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(Fark)   Subby just found out he is going to be a father today. What sage advice/snark do you have for the future dad?   ( divider line
    More: Spiffy  
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2317 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Jan 2013 at 9:28 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2013-01-08 01:26:29 AM  
Don't fark the nanny.
2013-01-08 01:28:21 AM  
2013-01-08 01:32:00 AM  
Enjoy the first two years of life.  After they hit that second birthday, they develop this thing called 'attitude' and it is not necessarily a good thing!  Potty training... um, sometimes they do it, sometimes they don't, and I think it partially depends on if there is a younger sibling.  My two-year-old started going potty, but once she kept seeing her baby sister keep getting her diaper changed, well she missed us doing that and now her going to the potty is spotty.

Also, you will find once you have your second child that you've been there, done that, and know what to expect almost like a natural reflex.  The first kid, though, you will not be prepared for no matter how much preparation you have.  The second one, however, will take to things MUCH quicker than the first. Like with our second, she's on all solid food now at ten months old; the first was still on stage 3 at this point.  Also with an older sibling around, if they're at the right age they'll even help out.  I have a video of our baby on her belly trying to crawl, and our oldest is yelling at her, "Crawl!  Crawl!," and showing her how.

And take LOTS of pics and video.  They put one terrabyte hard drives in computers and make external hard drives for a reason; use every last byte.
2013-01-08 01:34:45 AM  
There's NO way you'll see this by now, but I'm putting it here anyway.

Always try to explain things. Even the littlest of people appreciate knowing why the fark the farked-up shiat that is happening, is happening. You'll get better at dialing concepts of 10th-level intensity down to a 1.5 or a 2 (which will help you with the adult idiots in your life), and they won't want to kick you in the shin and break something from constantly hearing "Because I said so!"

Also, the easiest way to get through the "why" phase is to turn it around after one or two honest answers. "Why do YOU think?" is like crack for kids because no one ever farking asks kids for an informed opinion or explanation.

Eventually they'll get older and you'll have to bust out gems like "I have 33 YEARS of experience dealing with this, and you have ELEVEN." (which is an explanation, if snarky) but it won't be for a good while.
2013-01-08 01:35:35 AM  
When he or she is old enough, get him or her into good music. Start with some In Flames & Children of Bodom before birth, then in the birthing center blast some Megadeth or Slayer. And forget about the usual nursery rhymes, read them Edguy or Avantasia lyrics.
2013-01-08 01:38:09 AM  
I was playing basketball nearby when the beeper went off.  Rushed home, drove the wife to the hospital and our first child was born.  Since then I've given up sleep, money, exercise, privacy, and dignity.  Unfortunately I'm committed to making sure there's at least three meals every day, so fat has arrived to fill all those empty spaces.
2013-01-08 01:38:18 AM  

erewhon: I am an MRE expert

You poor bastard.
/Especially if they were from the first two iterations.
2013-01-08 01:40:57 AM  

Soulcatcher: You get to watch them eat their first ice cream and first cotton candy, help them fly their first kite and ride a bike. They rekindle in you the possibilities of life and the beautiful things about this world that we all lose sight of as we get snarkier and farkier.

The first laugh is a goddamned miracle of life. I still remember the moment that my daughter laughed on her own for the first time, when we weren't tickling her or making goofy faces.
2013-01-08 01:44:23 AM  
Get as much sex and sleep as you can, and try to remember it
2013-01-08 01:46:07 AM  
almex for diaper rash

and don't forget to be a kid with your kids at times--they will love you for it.

and the one thing that i have told my daughter--i am your father, not your friend.

i have never failed to tell her that i love her
2013-01-08 01:49:02 AM  
sorry--that was balmex for diaper rash
2013-01-08 01:49:56 AM  

demaL-demaL-yeH: erewhon: I am an MRE expert

You poor bastard.
/Especially if they were from the first two iterations.

Pork patties, great. Corpse fingers/fingers of death, numbah 10.

And afterwards, oh my god. It's odd to have turds that "clink" when they hit the ground.
2013-01-08 01:50:54 AM  
Oh, and you'll want to lay in a supply of Boudreaux's Butt Paste, nothing NOTHING is better.
2013-01-08 01:53:23 AM  
Signing Time as soon as they hit 2.5-3 years. Watch it with `em so that if they choose to sign, it doesn't fall on deaf ears. (Blind eyes?) It won't change the times they're too cranky to let you know what they want (PROTIP: they have no clue), but it's great for all the times when they're in a decent mood.

As soon as you can justifiably leave them with someone else for 90 minutes, YOU GO OUT ONCE A WEEK LIKE CLOCKWORK AND NEVER SKIP IT BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO TIRED. Being away from a needy, uncommunicative responsibility and having adult conversations with people whose asses you need not wipe will always recharge your batteries.
2013-01-08 01:54:57 AM  
Crawl around the house on hands and knees. looking to baby-proof everything you can find at that level.
2013-01-08 01:56:01 AM  
Those Gerber child insurance adds are a scam unless you have an Oscar-winning child actor kid.
2013-01-08 02:00:11 AM  

erewhon: demaL-demaL-yeH: erewhon: I am an MRE expert

You poor bastard.
/Especially if they were from the first two iterations.

Pork patties, great. Corpse fingers/fingers of death, numbah 10.

And afterwards, oh my god. It's odd to have turds that "clink" when they hit the ground.

Human/Lizard Loaf? It was a blessing when those tiny bottles of Tabasco magically appeared. Some of the stuff even became edible.
What did you think about track pads and sawdust bars?

No, subby. The Target generic A&D that's 40% zinc is the very best for diaper rash.

/And monkey butt.
2013-01-08 02:01:02 AM  
Read this book.
Link Act accordingly.

Enjoy! It can be scary but also so much fun.
2013-01-08 02:20:50 AM  

demaL-demaL-yeH: No, subby. The Target generic A&D that's 40% zinc is the very best for diaper rash.

2013-01-08 02:30:48 AM  
"The key to being a good dad...well, sometimes things work out just the way you want. Sometimes they don't. But you gotta hang in there. Because when all is said and done, 90% of being a dad is just showing up."
/Modern Family
///didn't read the comments neither
////like Dr. Spock wrote: "You know more than you think you do."
2013-01-08 02:34:01 AM  
So, you're a priest now?
2013-01-08 02:37:03 AM  
When you have poop in the diaper, give it 5 minutes. There's more where that came from.
2013-01-08 02:58:23 AM  
I guess I'm late, as usual, but I'd say the first year sucks. (It even sucked for me, and my wife did almost all the work.) If you can make it through the first year, you're set.

theMagni: Take a lot of pictures, but keep only the good shots.

I can't agree with this. Sometimes, those mistakes have the coolest information, and you don't notice it until later. My oldest son took a very close-up picture of himself when he was three or four years old. It's blurry and out of focus, but the smile on his face is pretty cool. It's one of my favorite pictures, ever.
2013-01-08 03:06:37 AM  
Sleep as much as you can, when you can. Our second kid is one in a few days and I live today only because I obey this rule. Congrats subby!
2013-01-08 03:21:39 AM  
You weren't the guy on FML who got told via pixt and then updated his Facebook status to "This is the most depressing day of my life", were you?
2013-01-08 03:25:59 AM  
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2013-01-08 03:38:05 AM  
Congratulations, I hope it works out for you.

One thing: With children, whenever possible give them advance warning about what's going to happen next. For example, if you're at the park, and you want to leave, don't wait until it's time to get in the car to tell them it's time to go, because they will always protest. What I found worked miracles with my daughter was if I gave her a heads-up, say a 5-minute warning, and then maybe a 1-minute warning, then when it's time to leave she's prepared for it, and goes relatively willingly. Saved me no end of grief.

Also, if it's a girl, be prepared for puberty, it can be a very bumpy ride. Knowing that it gets better starting around age 16 would definitely have helped me cope with all the drama.
2013-01-08 03:39:34 AM  

Dadoo: I guess I'm late, as usual, but I'd say the first year sucks. (It even sucked for me, and my wife did almost all the work.) If you can make it through the first year, you're set.

Sorry to quote myself, but I just remembered a few more things.

1) If you're like me, you'll completely lose it, once in a (great) while, when your kids misbehave - especially when their safety is involved - and feel compelled to give them a good swat to get their attention. Naturally, this will nearly always occur when the largest possible number of people are watching you, and at least a few of them will accuse you of child abuse. As long as you're not leaving black-and-blue marks (or worse), ignore them. It won't be obvious until after your kids are grown, but they'll be better for it.

2) While they're babies, you won't be able to wait until they're old enough to do stuff with you. The second they are old enough, you'll miss when they were babies.

3) I hate kids. I had long decided I wasn't going to have any, but I fell in love, and she insisted that we had to have them. Yeah, I know, that was probably pretty stupid. I have to tell you, though, my kids are awesome, and I'm glad my wife talked me into it.
2013-01-08 04:02:37 AM  
I looked over the curtain during a C-section. Don't. Don't even think about it. Just don't.

It looks like Highlander missed and used a sword to gut your loved one. When they sew her up, it looks like a roast being strung together.

And kids don't come out pretty. They are covered in this white creamy stuff that protects the skin.

Rethink circumcision. Just watch videos of how it's done before you sign off on that for your child. Look. Just do it.

Since it's your first, here is how it's going to feel.

When it's time, it going to be like a roller coaster ride emotionally. You will never be as worried for your spouse and child...and as happy when the baby is delivered and cries for the first time. You emotions are going to go from one end of the scale to the other.

Bring some things to the hospital you like to sleep on or in if you are sleeping in a private room with her and the baby.

You will get through this. There is no instruction booklet. Just be good to your kids and guard them like they were the air you breathe.

No matter how cute they are, kids become teenagers. They will grow out of it if they survive it.
2013-01-08 04:14:00 AM  

Dr Jack Badofsky: Abort! Abort! Abort!

Take, that, Tim Tebow!
2013-01-08 04:14:59 AM  
Am I the first to suggest falcon punch?
2013-01-08 04:24:31 AM  


2013-01-08 04:24:47 AM  
keep 'em alive
and your priorities just changed to keeping 'em alive.
2013-01-08 04:35:31 AM  
Relax, don't sweat the small stuff and enjoy it.
2013-01-08 04:40:55 AM  
At a young age, buy him or her a telescope and a microscope. This will give him or her perspective. Also teach him or her to play chess. This will teach him or her to think before making a decision. Good luck. Oh yeah, LOVE that kid, man.
2013-01-08 05:09:24 AM  
Oh, yeah, when they get into the 3-4 zone, he won't be able to switch emotional gears easily. Don't go telling him to quit crying or you'll give him something to cry about, he just can't. A bit of patience will go a long way.

Also, they will quit wetting the bed. The proper mantra is "This, too, shall pass", the corollary to "it's a phase".
2013-01-08 05:10:55 AM  

yagottabefarkinkiddinme: Bring some things to the hospital you like to sleep on or in if you are sleeping in a private room with her and the baby.

In my experience, this depends on whether or not your wife already knows about your girlfriend.
2013-01-08 05:12:53 AM  
I didn't get to comment yesterday because I took my little boy out for his first birthday.

There's so much advice, much of it contradictory, that I wish that someone had said to me at the start that this would be the case. As many wise Farkers have already said, kids are resilient. As long as you're not bouncing them off their heads or rolling them down the stairs then you're good.

After 2 weeks my BIL and his wife came and watched the baby. My wife and I went to the pub. It was the first time we'd been out of the house and away from him for two weeks and it was a godsend. It gave us a break and some much-needed perspective. If you can, do something similar. Doesn't have to be for long, an hour was all we had, but it was like a tonic.

Get this book for your wife: Link. READ IT TOO. Help her out.

Do not try "cry it out", it's developmentally damaging.
Talk and play and sing and dance as much as you can.
Do not let them watch hours of TV. A few minutes a day.
Housework can wait.
When you change them, undo the dirty one, do as much wiping as possible, then swap out for the clean one. Do not leave the area uncovered for any longer than you have to.
If the umbilical stump gets wet, dab it dry with a paper towel (not tissue, bits will stick). The stench is rotting flesh - gangrene. If you keep it dry you shouldn't have this.

Above all, just immerse yourself in it. Your life will change but the rewards are phenomenal. They may take a while to come, but they do in the end. Have fun and love your baby, tell them as much as you can.
2013-01-08 05:13:18 AM  
Oh, and quit smoking. The missus too, if she does. I gave up a pipe/cigar habit, then fought a dip habit for about two years before I conquered it. I've been tobacco free (mostly) since the kids could remember. The old lady made me a really nice glass front box with my three favorite pipes in, that says "break in case of emergency", when the kids are gone in a few years I might do it. But probably not.

In the meantime, the kids will be sicker and more likely to smoke if you do. My brothers went through the same fight, none of our kids smoke. It's worth the pain.
2013-01-08 05:33:30 AM  
If you can hold it in a closed hand, throw it out or lock it up.
Find nitrile gloves that fit you, beats smelling baby shiat on your fingers and they won't remember the gloves.
Big t-shirts for you for while you hold/change baby.
Make sure the head lays both directions, rotate the child in the bed every night.
Teach baby early that loud noises are ok.
Rub that belly, wiggle your fingers on it, jiggle it like a nice firm tit. This is like controlled demolition.
Pull-ups OVER the diaper when traveling. Less smell, less accident.
Keep all washed baby bottles and nipples, etc, in ziplocks. That way you can handle them in the bag and put em together even if your hands are covered in toxic materials that won't wash off. Or in viruses and bacteria.
Rice flakes in the formula the moment baby can finish an 8oz bottle in one go.
Never give baby more than 3oz per half hour... Asphyxia and bloating can kill baby.
Old old blankets from that lady with the cats are safer than ANYTHING new from the store... and they're often free.
If you're close enough to touch you aren't important, if you're too far to piss on you still aren't important. 2 to 4 foot range for talking to baby.
TV does not teach, music does not educate, food does not nourish. Be your kid's entertainment by doing things in front of them. If they stop paying attention quickly, be the ONLY thing in front of them.

If your wife tells you different... yell "bullshiat" loud enough to get evicted.

And stop smoking, drinking and doping up. Things you simply can't taste or smell due to these habits can poison your child anyway.

Double stick tape on the legs of the crib.
No bumper, weave long scarves in and out and tie em onto the side.
Floor lamps, no overhead light used in the room.
Always take all toys out of their mouth, always, every time, all day, constantly.
Stop drinking caffeine now. Caffeine makes you yell when the baby is crying.
2013-01-08 05:39:27 AM  
Protect the mother of your child from the 'Mommy Mafia.' Women carry the high school clique mentality into motherhood along with all the personal judgement, insecurity and group think. The Mafia will try and influence breastfeeding, education, what activities your kid should do, along with all the other minutia of raising a child. Try and keep your SO shielded from this by constantly reminding her that she is a good mother... and Fark those snotty know-it-all mommy biatches.
2013-01-08 06:19:37 AM  

prjindigo: Rice flakes in the formula the moment baby can finish an 8oz bottle in one go.

That, in spades. Also the lamp idea. Glare from overhead lights upsets them. Me too, for that matter.
2013-01-08 06:39:35 AM  
Read one of the hundred Fark threads over the last five years on this exact same topic.
2013-01-08 06:44:58 AM  
Try to live in the moment and pay attention. Maybe even keep a little journal. Remember.

They grow up SO FAST.
2013-01-08 06:51:30 AM  
Stop visiting
2013-01-08 07:05:39 AM  
SLEEP WHEN THE KID SLEEPS. Trust me on this.

Oh, and beware the poop fountain. No one warned me about that.
2013-01-08 07:25:20 AM  

RexTalionis: Congratulations. Don't fark up.


Accept the fact that you *WILL* fark up. Then, when you do fark up, admit to it instead of trying to rationalize it or blame others.

My best advice is to not just be a father, also be a dad. Sound vague? You'll figure it out. It's a growth and learning experience for you as well as your child.

As for practical advice, even before your child can talk, read to him or her every single day, and keep doing it until the child can start reading on their own. Every moment is a potential teaching moment, don't waste them. This is the reason for my advice above.

Remember that the education of your child is ultimately your responsibility. That education isn't just ABCs and 123s, it's also how to handle conflict and how to handle yourself in public. Do *NOT* let others handle that for you, take an active role.
2013-01-08 07:26:05 AM  
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/subby should have known better than to ask on Fark. No sympathy.
2013-01-08 07:34:21 AM  

Blushing Wall Flower: sarahthustra: give the kid  name that doesn't suck.

I like the name Garth.

That's Lord Garth.
2013-01-08 07:40:41 AM  
Be their father, not their friend.
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