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(Fark)   Subby just found out he is going to be a father today. What sage advice/snark do you have for the future dad?   (fark.com) divider line 572
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2294 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Jan 2013 at 9:28 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-01-07 10:43:39 PM  
it's not about you anymore and from here on out it's all on autopilot, brah. enjoy it, your cards are on the table.
 
2013-01-07 10:44:12 PM  
Your job as a father is to provide opportunities and experiences for your child. Some cost money, many do not.

Read to your child, every day until they wont let you any longer (it will be later than you think)

Take your child to the zoo, the aquarium, and every museum within reasonable distance of where you live. Taking that dream vacation to Disney World, subtract one day from the theme parks and take them to the local science museum. Better yet take them to the Kennedy Space Center.

Your child will get interested in something out of your comfort zone, get involved, coach it if you can.

If you have a daughter, she might gravitate towards dolls and makeup. Let her. But dont let her see these as a substitute for math and science.

If you have a daughter, he might gravitate towards sports and video games. Let him. But dont let him see these as a substitute for reading and the arts.

You wont break them. You wont screw them up. Unless you aren't there.
 
2013-01-07 10:44:13 PM  

Mr. Murder: /subby


Get this man a drink and some lotion.

/Welcome to the rest of your life
 
2013-01-07 10:44:14 PM  

CoronaMikl: Just wait until they are six and yell at you from the top of the stairs "I hate you and hope you die. But first can you drive me to the mall?"


six and already hooking at the mall ?
yer kids are advanced
 
2013-01-07 10:44:33 PM  
No matter how cute it looks, don't eat it.
 
2013-01-07 10:45:23 PM  
Hospitals have waiting rooms for a reason. You did your job 9 months ago. Now leave it to the professionals.
 
2013-01-07 10:45:28 PM  
I started late(38) - my boy is now 10 and I'm SO glad that I didn't miss out on this ride - enjoy every minute - even the rough spots at the beginning because it goes too fast. Watching them develop into their own little person is amazing. And it's true, stay involved and they keep you young - it's a gift they give to you, don't miss it.
 
2013-01-07 10:45:33 PM  
Speaking of becoming a dad...Link
 
2013-01-07 10:45:40 PM  

Buddha Belly: Oh, and talk to the baby -- a lot. Very good for brain development.


Dont allow baby talk around your child. It entertains old women and nothing else.
 
2013-01-07 10:45:41 PM  
But seriously, major congrats. Don't pay too much attention to other people's advice and just be the best parent and partner you can be and ignore the fact that I'm drunk as shiat and being very ultra-careful to type this right. Do the best you can and don't worry, be happy!
 
2013-01-07 10:46:52 PM  

skullkrusher: Congrats subs!
You are going to be objectively right an awful lot of times over the next 7 or 8 months. Know that in your head but admit you are wrong every time.


Holy crap, this.

My wife's due date was today. Looks like we're going into overtime. She is...less than pleased with this development.

And, because now I'm going to get curious, I'm probably going to sniff the umbilical cord stump.
 
2013-01-07 10:47:08 PM  
Even babies have a way of letting you know how they are feeling...


i417.photobucket.com
 
2013-01-07 10:48:53 PM  
Keep her off the pole
 
2013-01-07 10:51:37 PM  

willicus: And, because now I'm going to get curious, I'm probably going to sniff the umbilical cord stump.


That never crossed my mind, but I could never look a piece of beef jerky the same again.
 
2013-01-07 10:51:53 PM  
some good advice in here

one more?

when you baby reaches school age, introduce him/her to a close neighbor you know - (and if you don't know any, start now) - in case of some emergencies, someone they know next door can be a hell of a lot better than 911

latch key kids, unite!
 
2013-01-07 10:52:16 PM  
The good news is that if you really screw up it's fun to make more.
 
2013-01-07 10:52:38 PM  
Mama is always right.
 
2013-01-07 10:53:16 PM  
It's good that you already know to come to Fark for parenting advice.
 
2013-01-07 10:53:35 PM  
"Gross" is a sliding scale.
 
2013-01-07 10:53:50 PM  

Tom_Slick: willicus: And, because now I'm going to get curious, I'm probably going to sniff the umbilical cord stump.

That never crossed my mind, but I could never look a piece of beef jerky the same again.


It never occurred to me either, until everyone in this thread said "Don't sniff the stump!"
 
2013-01-07 10:54:03 PM  
Save me some afterbirth. And placenta.
I'm gonna make soup.
 
2013-01-07 10:54:57 PM  
Congrats Mr. and Mrs. Murder, now starts the rest of your life. The best advice I can give is get the both of you into a parenting class ASAP. Don't assume that because you were once children, that you know how to raise a kid. This will give you a chance to see different parenting strategies, and decide which one will work for you. Once you find a strategy, STICK WITH IT. If you and your partner present a united front when it comes to discipline, it will make things a lot easier over the long run.

//father of 5
//// yes Mrs Engineer and I know what causes them
//// and we are very good at it.
 
2013-01-07 10:55:49 PM  

Mr. Murder: /subby


1. Never wake a sleeping baby.
2. Form a habit and try not to break it. Eat meals together. Always.
3. Learn to cook as a hobby. Involve your kid at a young age. It will improve both your diets/nutrition. No time? Why yes you do. Shut the stupid TV off.
4. Never treat the like they are stupid. Kids are naturally very intelligent and curious.
5. Never lie. Even the simple stuff. This takes all forms. For instance, if you are going to leave them in their bedroom and go to sleep do not tell them you will come back in 10 minutes and lay down with them to go to sleep. It is better to just tell them the truth no matter how small they are. Deal with the crying up front and they will stop it. Never try to "slip out" on them when you leave them somewhere like a babysitter or if you have one over to your house. For instance if you drop your kid off at day care do not just pop out when their back is turned to avoid crying. Let them cry and tell them the truth "I have to go to work now and I'll be back later to pick you up". This seems stupid and simple but it is a huge deal. They will trust you after just a few days whereas otherwise they will learn to despise you and mistrust you.
6. Do not use sarcasm or "kid" them. This is immature of you and also you have a position of authority over them.
7. Do not tickle excessively or let others do it. It is a sign of abuse.
8. Do not feed them juice. It is not nutrition. Numerous studies show that even small amounts stunt their growth, contribute to obesity, and lower IQ.
9. Involve them with helping you even when it is easier to do yourself. They will learn to love to help you (see cooking as an example). This almost always means taking longer to do basic chores like vacuuming. It almost always means they will do it wrong. It means broken things. This is the "cost of doing business".
10. Learn to play again.
11. Do not tolerate lying.
12. Improve your own behavior now in order to perform items 1-11.
 
2013-01-07 10:57:30 PM  

indylaw: People won't admit it, but babies are welcome everywhere. The movies, restaurants, strip clubs.


It's true, strippers LOVE kids.
 
2013-01-07 10:57:39 PM  
Babies are cute and all but it's also harrrrrrrd work. The toughest so far was the first 6 months or so until my daughter started sleeping thru the nights (oh thank you sweet Jesus that getting up 5 times a night is finally over. Then we had a short reprieve where things were perfect as could be but now she's 21 months and hitting those terrible two's. Gaaaaaahhhhh all the crying over everrrrythiiiing!!!

LoL I love my daughter more than anyone or anything but so farking glad I had to have my uterus ripped from my body.

Good luck ;)
 
2013-01-07 10:58:30 PM  

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


So I hear, but it's never happened to me.

Get all the sleep you can, because once your kiddo hits about two weeks old, forget it, you're NEVER.SLEEPING.AGAIN.
 
2013-01-07 10:59:55 PM  
1) Have a sprayer attachment put on your kitchen faucet if you don't have one already, they're easier to wash into the sink.
2) When you first start feeding them adult food, take their clothes off first.
 
2013-01-07 11:00:00 PM  

Tom_Slick: Tom_Slick: The Evil That Lies In The Hearts Of Men: Baby girl: Wipe from front to back.

This, So Much this, oh and be prepared for diaper explosions at the most inopportune times, i.e. 5 minutes after you changed a wet diaper and put her in a car seat for a 2 hour ride to grandma's house, there are good times for diaper explosions i.e. 5 minutes after you have handed her to grandma, seriously your mother will think it is cute and rush off to change her before you can say "mom give her back I will take care of it"


OTOH, frequent diaper explosions over a long period of time can indicate a problem.  Mine came down with ulcerative colitis when she was nine.

/was hosing her down in the back yard when the WTC got hit
 
2013-01-07 11:00:02 PM  
1. Mylicon gas drops. There will come a time when your baby is screaming bloody murder. The usuals suspects have been eliminated: diaper's dry, they've been feed, temp is good, etc. That's when you reach for the gas drops.

2. Beware parenting advice from people who do not live with your kid 24/7 like you do - which is likely everyone. Not all kids are the same... You'll figure it out.
 
2013-01-07 11:00:46 PM  
My little dude is about 3.5 months and we just transitioned him to the crib. ERMAGHERD it is the best thing ever. That night he sleeps through for the first time will be the greatest moment of your life. And, oh man, they are wayyyyy fun!
 
2013-01-07 11:01:49 PM  
Sleep. Sleep from right now until you have to drive to the hospital.

And drink

But mostly sleep.
 
2013-01-07 11:01:55 PM  
If your wife breastfeeds, don't worry about if the baby is getting 'enough'. As long as the plumbing is working they are getting plenty.
 
2013-01-07 11:02:04 PM  

gunsmack: You're going to be a father today? That's pretty short notice.


Came to say this. Glad I'm not the only one. Sad I'm the only one to reply to your post...
 
2013-01-07 11:02:29 PM  
If that's what your conscience tells you, go ahead and be a father but just remember what's said in the booth is secret and hands off the altar boys.
 
2013-01-07 11:02:37 PM  
1-Tell them that you Love them often.
2-For fever Tylenol for kids-wait 4 hours, Advil for kids-wait 8 hours. 99% of high fevers do not need a trip to the doctor.
3-Religion should require informed consent
4-Get a baby food mill for starting solid food
5-Let them eat dirt
6-The media is not reflective of actual statistics
7-Before giving a gift, unpack it then put it back in the box. They will play with the box if it is big enough
 
2013-01-07 11:02:50 PM  
Don't treat your pregnant SO like she's delicate Chinaware, but when she gives you the signal that she's had enough, offer her something (tea, crackers, neck rub, foot stool, cold compress... whatever works for her).

Discuss ahead of time with your SO what you (really SHE) wants from the birthing process - I was firm that I did not want to give birth on my back, ended up in a birthing chair and it was the best thing ever for me. And if you find an OB that insists on something you or she doesn't want, find a new one. And if they try and push something else while in the hospital, don't let them unless it's a medical emergency.

As far as parenthood, you're going to fark up. Accept that and move on. We all do the best we can. Ask friends/family for advice but don't follow it unless it resonates. Don't let someone try and dictate how you should or shouldn't do something that works for your family. I tossed so-called "friends" out of my life completely for getting WAYYY too much up in my business.

If you have a girl, play dolls with her, let her dress you up, and sit down and have tea with her. Also show her how to throw a ball, climb a tree, and look for salamanders. If you have a boy, do the same thing.

Don't let them rule the roost. Put rules into place and have consequences when the rules are broken. Children respond very well when they are given boundaries and it is their job to test you. If you keep letting them slide, they have learned that you don't mean what you say and all they need to do is manipulate you a little more to get what they want.

Those are the bare bones I can offer. Aside from that, trust your judgement. CONGRATULATIONS. You are soon to be responsible for a micro-human. Enjoy!
 
2013-01-07 11:03:07 PM  
Sleep when the baby sleeps. Hahahahaha, just kidding. That never works. But seriously, don't hit your kid.
 
2013-01-07 11:03:39 PM  
Paternity test. Don't ask, just do it. Doubly true if you're not married.

Don't ever look comfortable, because that's a signal for the kid to bug you.

Don't expect anything by the book.

Don't expect sleep.

Forget about sex for the next year, well, 50/50 chance of that.

Always offer them something new, even if you don't like it: skiing, football (soccer), dance, gymnastics, swimming, et al.

Be prepared to live at the parks in the summer.

Teach them to cook, clean, and be respectful starting as young as you can.

LET THEM PLAY, HAVE FUN, AND BE KIDS.

Don't take yourself too seriously.

Don't explain things at more of a level than they need at a given time, my daughter saw me get out of the shower, and literally asked what "that" was at age 3. "Daddy is a boy and has boy parts. You're a girl like mommy and have girl parts." That ended that conversation for several years.

Have fun.
 
2013-01-07 11:04:59 PM  
 
2013-01-07 11:05:18 PM  
Sleep now. You won't be able to for a looong time. If you're one of those people that like to sleep in on the weekend... I'm so sorry :)

/father of two and lovin' it
//also, sleep-deprived
 
2013-01-07 11:05:35 PM  
A lesson I learned recently: when your spawn begins practising her (or his) verbal communication skills, it is a good idea to be careful what you say until they understand the concepts of context and appropriateness of venue. When it comes to language, kids are like sponges...sponges which immediately get the words squeezed right back out of them.

/Learned this the hard way when I was telling my wife I thought that somebody was a coont
//My lovely two-year-old daughter who hears all looked straight at me and sweetly said, "coont."
///Thinking fast, I grabbed her coat and said, "you want your COAT? Here's your COAT. I'm holding your COAT right here!"
////Slashies
 
2013-01-07 11:05:51 PM  
Best advice I can give you is this:

Don't be an asshole to your kid. This includes putting the kid down, using the kid as built in forced labor, etc.
 
2013-01-07 11:05:55 PM  
Beethoven's 3rd Symphony, Georg Solti conducting. Sit the child down to listen ot it. Get the the kids's attention for a second. Tell the child it's about them. If they wander off, it's OK.
 
2013-01-07 11:07:32 PM  
remember, when you run out of olive oil you can make more from squeezing olives
when you run out of lemon oil, you can make some more by squeezing lemons

both under great pressure

note--if you run out of baby oil--you can't squeeze the babay!!
 
2013-01-07 11:08:19 PM  
If I was subby, I would turn myself in for rape right now. After all, rape is any sexual act a man performs on a woman.
 
2013-01-07 11:10:01 PM  
They typically make better men out of most of us. Congrats!!!
 
2013-01-07 11:10:27 PM  
The best thing you can do with your kid is spend time with them, paying attention to them. It almost doesn't matter what or where or how or whatever, just do it with them, involving them when at all possible.

Oh, and eff your wife as much as possible during pregnancy, as much as she will put up with. Don't be a sissy and let the life growing inside her put you off your grub, just be a man and do it.
 
2013-01-07 11:11:58 PM  

thrgd456: The best thing you can do with your kid is spend time with them, paying attention to them. It almost doesn't matter what or where or how or whatever, just do it with them, involving them when at all possible.

Oh, and eff your wife as much as possible during pregnancy, as much as she will put up with. Don't be a sissy and let the life growing inside her put you off your grub, just be a man and do it.


You shouldn't be advising him to rape his wife. That's illegal.
 
2013-01-07 11:12:03 PM  
During delivery, don't look under the sheet that will be placed over your wife's knees. That sheet is there for your protection. It protects you from a nightmarish vision that you cannot UNSEE. Not kidding. Seriously, don't look. You don't want to see that. You will be scarred.

Don't believe me? Go get a nice roast beef sandwich from the deli, nice warm bread, perfectly marbled meat, crisp fresh lettuce, the perfect amount of sauce.....looks delicious doesn't it? A work of art.........Now, ad a little too much ketchup to that sandwich, and set it on the ground. Now stomp on it a few times, kick some dirt into it......now do you want to eat that sandwich? Will you ever see another roast beef sandwich without remembering what that stomped-ketchupy-mess looked like after you mangled it?
 
2013-01-07 11:12:33 PM  
Just as all my children the second they were cleaned up and handed to me, I told them that I would do everything in my power to protect them and I would love them forever... I wrote them a letter of the times that they were born, Sadly, I predicted the end of my first born. He was a protector, a hater of bullies and was a lover of history... RIP SPC Micheal "Pokey" Phillips.. the world someday may see you again, may you live in peace in the next one.
 
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