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(Fark)   Subby just found out he is going to be a father today. What sage advice/snark do you have for the future dad?   (fark.com) divider line 572
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2294 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Jan 2013 at 9:28 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-01-07 10:20:45 PM

Mr. Murder: /subby


Congrats! IANAParent, but from what I hear, you'd better enjoy sleeping now because after the kid is born, it's going to be tough getting a good night's sleep for a while.
 
2013-01-07 10:20:55 PM
Watch your cornhole...

Oh wait that's prison. Sorry, I got nothing.
 
2013-01-07 10:21:14 PM
Best reading advice ever.  Read daily to your child.  Read smart.
If You Give A Mouse a Cookie You're Farked.
 
2013-01-07 10:21:40 PM
This is the advice my Dad gave my brother and me... "Dogs and kids (he also added women to the list shortly after the divorce)- nothin' but trouble..."

The older I get, the truer it becomes, haha!

Congrats, and may the journey go as smoothly as possible! There will be bumps, try not to stress out about 'em too much. Best of luck to you and your family!
 
2013-01-07 10:22:42 PM
I can't add any sage 'advice' per se, but you should definitely add some to the umbilical cord stump prior to smelling and subsequently making a soup from it.
 
2013-01-07 10:23:17 PM
stagevu.com
but seriously, congrats, dude. hmmm, my one piece of advice.... oh yeah, your kid will have ESP and know exactly at the precise nanosecond you're starting to relax. be prepared for that.
 
2013-01-07 10:23:27 PM
Reassure, her. Tell her you are going to meditate on the situation for (hours, days) in order to properly react to the good news. Say that your emotions need to catch up to reality and that this is a normal response to sudden, life changing information. Explain that you are not going to abandon her and that all you need is to contemplate the new facts about your life.

Then get a pet sitter if you have a pet, leave your phone at home. Take a week off of work and rent a hotel room at a nice hotel and get really hammered. Locking the door so you don't leave or invite anyone in. Spend those last few days by yourself and resist the temptation to communicate with anyone. This will be the last truly personal time you will have for the rest of your life.
 
2013-01-07 10:23:41 PM
Are you sure it's hers?


As for advice, sleep when the kid sleeps.
 
2013-01-07 10:24:06 PM
On having kids.
Your life, as you know it, is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk, and... and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most... delightful people... you will ever meet in your life.

Bill Murray in Lost in Translation.
 
2013-01-07 10:24:08 PM
Always... no, no... never... forget to check your references.
 
2013-01-07 10:24:39 PM
Teach it that the value of profits is greater than the value of wages.
 
2013-01-07 10:24:42 PM
spend little time on fark, facebook or anywhere else online. take plenty of photos and videos, enjoy the mother and the child.
 
2013-01-07 10:24:50 PM

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


And tuck it down, or the pee will just spout out the top of the diaper.
 
2013-01-07 10:25:49 PM
Congrats, your life has changed and will never be the same. Life will be You have difficult, more scary than ever before. But, it will also be fooled with more live and emotion than you have ever known. As frustrating and difficult as being a father gas been at times, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

  I am the father of two and step-father of for. The best advice I can give you is do what you say you are going to do. If you sold your child and put in place a punishment, follow through to the letter. A child who knows you won't follow through, will never listen to you. Also don't be afraid to say no. Teach you kid that they don't need everything in life, that sometimes they have to wait.

 As your kid gets older TEACH him or her. Don't just let them hold the flashlight and hand you tools, let them tighten the screw or put that new purchase together under your supervision. You won't believe how much more confident they will become knowing that they can do something. And the bonding experience is priceless.

Once again, congrats. You are officially the luckiest person on the planet!
 
2013-01-07 10:25:55 PM

Clarence Beeks: Always have three bottles of formula/breast milk ready in the fridge. Putting those things together in the dark at 3am can get very messy. Grabbing a pre-made version out of the fridge is easy.

Arrange your changing table to where you know where everything is with your eyes closed. Because at 3am, they will often be half-closed.

Steel your mind that the first two months will suck. After that, when they start sleeping ~5 hours at a time at night, the next two months will suck slightly less. Once they start sleeping 7 hours at a time, life will start kind of getting back to normal.

From about 8-20 months is just nirvana - it's great seeing them develop right in front of your eyes.

As a dear friend said to me, "You spend the first two years of their life getting them to walk and talk and the next 20 wishing they'd sit down and shut up." :)

Good luck, sir - it's been a fun ride for us so far.


The thing about pre-flighting the milk in the fridge is SO true. I once got up, poured some breast milk into a bottle, brought it into the baby and collapsed into bed. I held the bottle so he could tip it up to his mouth...and in my sleep-induced stupor, I had forgotten to screw the nipple and cap back onto the bottle. Poor baby was drenched in milk. Guess who had to get up, change the baby, wash the baby, change the bedding, start some laundry at 3am...
 
2013-01-07 10:25:55 PM
http://static.quickmeme.com/media/social/qm.gif
 
2013-01-07 10:26:04 PM
Diaper Genie.

Seriously, you'll wonder how you ever lived without one.
 
2013-01-07 10:27:36 PM
Congratulations. You're probably not going to get much sleep for the next few weeks so stock up on coffee.
 
2013-01-07 10:28:13 PM
Don't let your stepbrother raise him/her on some desert shiathole. That will only end badly.

i3.mirror.co.uk
 
2013-01-07 10:28:17 PM
Now that you are going to be a father, from one father to the other, I can only offer you one piece of advice that will do you the most good:

farm6.static.flickr.com
Two is exponentially more difficult than one.
 
2013-01-07 10:28:19 PM
Sleep NOW! www.traemcneely.com
 
2013-01-07 10:29:12 PM
Don't treat your kid(s) like they're idiots.
 
2013-01-07 10:29:25 PM
Book recommendations:
upload.wikimedia.org
It's fuzzy! :D
upload.wikimedia.org
(it is required to read this in the voice of Christopher Walken, btw)
and for you, this gem:
upload.wikimedia.org
I got this one for myself as a joke to read to my youngest (now 9). He receives energy from the air or something because when I crash at 11:30-12:00 he's still awake even though his bedtime is 8:30.
 
2013-01-07 10:29:59 PM

Donnchadha: skullkrusher: oh, and whatever you do, don't eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. You can literally buy a case of them to replace it and it won't be the same because she wanted THAT Almond Joy Easter Egg.

/true story

Eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. Teach them that you don't always get what you want.


I was talking about wifey, not the kids.
Don't fark with wifey when she's preggo
 
2013-01-07 10:30:03 PM
When you get the kid home, turn on the radio or tv at a normal volume so they get used to background noise.
My kids will sleep through anything.
 
2013-01-07 10:30:31 PM
...fate and events willing? remember you "rent" children. as they are growing and getting ready
to fly the nest don't forget your wife....the one you married before you were parents

...i have 20 years into my "baby" - it will pass faster than you will ever credit - congrats :)
 
2013-01-07 10:30:44 PM
1.) Hoping you're married to/cohabiting with the mother, my main advice is to prepare HARDCORE for the first three months. Everything goes much, much better if you have a cooperative plan for that time period and execute it from the start.

2.) On the same lines, DO NOT be afraid to incorporate your in-laws in that plan if they and your wife are willing. Few of us are big fans of the mother-in-law, but having her around is a calming influence and valuable learning tool for your wife if they have a good relationship. If you absolutely cannot handle her then have her around when you are at work or, if you take time off too, use that time to go shopping for baby supplies/groceries/whatever else is plausibly necessary and allows you to leave the house.

3.) Expect absolutely nothing of your partner for the next 6 months-1 year. Giving birth wipes women's brain clean. She will leave stuff in weird places, forget what day it is, get behind on her share of the chores, etc. Mommy Brain is real and near-universal and you need to be understanding and tolerant.

4.) Expect less than nothing from your partner for 6 weeks after delivery. She just had her vagina torn open, possibly had her taint cut off during delivery, lost tons of blood, lost tons of female hormones, and is adjusting to a little thing that can only communicate in screams suckling at her bewbs every two hours. She'll get back to the sexy sex. Trust me.

5.) Make normal household noise while your infant sleeps. If people are over, talk at normal volumes. Watch TV at NORMAL volumes. Walk around, clean, etc. At this point s/he is going to sleep anyway because when you've been floating in goo for nine months just being awake is exhausting enough. Get him/her used to sleeping through normal noise now and s/he'll be able to do the same when being awake becomes more interesting at around the 4-6 month mark--and likely thereafter.

6.) That thing I said about talking if people come over? Tell people NOW not to come over. Except for grandparents, people aren't coming over to help. They're coming over to see the widdle biddy bubba baby bumper and that's it. And the only people you need over right now, are people who will help in other ways too, like washing dishes/bottles or bringing food.

7.) Tell grandparents NOW that when they visit early on, you really need them to help DO things other than holdthe widdle biddy bubba baby bumper. If they get pissy then they become subject to Rule 6 because they are just stereotypical Baby Boomers and not real grandparents.

8.) YOU CAN'T "SPOIL" AN INFANT." An infant is a helpless little creature that depends on your for every physical and emotional need. When an infant cries there is a REASON and it is your duty to address it. Discipline and spoilation starts when your child can meet a particular need on its own, or when it whines over non-needs (e.g. "THAT toy, not this one"). You will know that time when it comes. For now, lots of holding/cuddling, and when it cries immediately check the diaper, then offer the bottle, then rock a while and put to bed. That covers about all the needs and thus all your necessary reactions.

9.) Chronicle everything. You may feel like you're taking too many pics, but you will never complain about HAVING too many pics.

10.) CONGRATULATIONS! Babies are GOOD THINGS despite the protestations of probably 200 of the 220+ comments I didn't even bother to read before I posted.
 
2013-01-07 10:31:11 PM
kill it with fire.
 
2013-01-07 10:32:02 PM
Pregnant sex. It's great.

Also, parenthood is fark'n tough. Fun as hell, though. Good luck.

/pregnant sex
 
2013-01-07 10:32:14 PM

OBBN: Congrats, your life has changed and will never be the same. Life will be You have difficult, more scary than ever before. But, it will also be fooled with more live and emotion than you have ever known. As frustrating and difficult as being a father gas been at times, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

  I am the father of two and step-father of for. The best advice I can give you is do what you say you are going to do. If you sold your child and put in place a punishment, follow through to the letter. A child who knows you won't follow through, will never listen to you. Also don't be afraid to say no. Teach you kid that they don't need everything in life, that sometimes they have to wait.

 As your kid gets older TEACH him or her. Don't just let them hold the flashlight and hand you tools, let them tighten the screw or put that new purchase together under your supervision. You won't believe how much more confident they will become knowing that they can do something. And the bonding experience is priceless.

Once again, congrats. You are officially the luckiest person on the planet!


Argggggggggggg crap, stupid auto correct and Swype typing. I won't try to correct it, you will get the gist of it.
 
2013-01-07 10:32:43 PM

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


/Or don't, 'cause it's hilarious, and you'll maybe be needing that memory when he dents up your Dodge.
 
2013-01-07 10:32:46 PM
Keep them away from the nude Olympics in Australia.
 
2013-01-07 10:34:06 PM
Never, ever, ever hit your kid. Seriously, kill yourself first. You'll do a lot less damage.
 
2013-01-07 10:34:39 PM
Be prepared to be amazed, constantly.

Cuddle, Snuggle, Hold, your baby from day 1, don't worry you won't break it.

If the baby is breastfed, do not hold with out a shirt if you are a man, it hurts like hell (how did my wife deal with that?) and they scream bloody murder when no milk comes out.

Read to your child as often as possible

Get a jogging stroller and/or a bicycle trailer, you will not have much exercise time but these will but the child to sleep, give your partner a break, get you healthy, and get you out of the house.
 
2013-01-07 10:34:42 PM
Baby girl: Wipe from front to back.
Baby boy: Put a towel over his penis while changing diapers.
Breast fed baby poop doesn't smell bad.
 
2013-01-07 10:34:53 PM
Kids can't see beyond their own needs. So they'll act like little selfish assholes, try not to let it get to you.
 
2013-01-07 10:35:07 PM
1. Stop at one kid so the planet doesn't blow up and you and the Mrs. don't have to play zone defense.
2. Enjoy every minute - it goes by so very fast.
 
2013-01-07 10:35:15 PM
My son is 7 months old. We had a few rough weeks early on and I didn't get any photos of him in that timeframe. I can't get that time back, take photos and video when things are going rough.
 
2013-01-07 10:36:06 PM
Pregnant women don't "glow". Pregnant women fart a lot. Pregnant sex is disgusting. Lactation is not erotic in the least. You are not going to get more than 4 hours sleep per night for the next 4 years. Other than that it is great.
 
2013-01-07 10:36:13 PM
At first they're kinda like crummy parasites that keep you up all night and can't even focus on your face. You just have to trust it'll get better when they start to get interactive.

Then they smile back at you and then laugh and eventually talk, and you totally forget how you kinda didn't like this little thing at first. And you tell people all about how being a parent is amazing, leaving out that it wasn't like that immediately.
 
2013-01-07 10:36:56 PM

TrixieDelite: Clarence Beeks: Always have three bottles of formula/breast milk ready in the fridge. Putting those things together in the dark at 3am can get very messy. Grabbing a pre-made version out of the fridge is easy.

Arrange your changing table to where you know where everything is with your eyes closed. Because at 3am, they will often be half-closed.

Steel your mind that the first two months will suck. After that, when they start sleeping ~5 hours at a time at night, the next two months will suck slightly less. Once they start sleeping 7 hours at a time, life will start kind of getting back to normal.

From about 8-20 months is just nirvana - it's great seeing them develop right in front of your eyes.

As a dear friend said to me, "You spend the first two years of their life getting them to walk and talk and the next 20 wishing they'd sit down and shut up." :)

Good luck, sir - it's been a fun ride for us so far.

The thing about pre-flighting the milk in the fridge is SO true. I once got up, poured some breast milk into a bottle, brought it into the baby and collapsed into bed. I held the bottle so he could tip it up to his mouth...and in my sleep-induced stupor, I had forgotten to screw the nipple and cap back onto the bottle. Poor baby was drenched in milk. Guess who had to get up, change the baby, wash the baby, change the bedding, start some laundry at 3am...


Breast-feeding usually solves this.
 
2013-01-07 10:37:20 PM

Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.


Spelling class?
 
2013-01-07 10:38:16 PM
This is advice for both you and your wife. It is your job as a unit to see to your child's needs. It is your job as husband to see to your wife's needs and her job to see to yours. Don't get so caught up in baby that you lose sight of one another. I've seen it happen so many times where one parent or the other becomes "all about the baby" and it causes resentment from the spouse. I remember as a kid, my dad would come home from work. I could be there at the door to greet him, he would come in smile tell me he'd love to hear about my day in just a minute and then go find my mom to kiss her hello. These things stick with a kid, and knowing that mommy and daddy are still in love is very very good.
 
2013-01-07 10:38:33 PM
My lady is 15 weeks today. All I can say is embrace it. Take your pregnant girl with a grain of salt, and take care if and love her. If you go through all of this spiteful, you've screwed your relationship, child, and yourself. All I can say it is humbling. Time to realize you aren't number one anymore, and it is beautiful.
 
2013-01-07 10:38:50 PM
Wait...Farkers are allowed to procreate? Really? Never mind. i'm gay anyway...
 
2013-01-07 10:40:05 PM
My advice is to go easy on the Facebook pictures it's OK in small doses but nobody needs to see every damn thing your kid does that you feel is remotely cute.
 
2013-01-07 10:41:15 PM
Yes, you will make mistakes. Get over it, do the best you can, and don't forget to enjoy the ride. The little suckers grow up really quickly.
 
2013-01-07 10:42:10 PM
Don't get mad when he or she scribbles in your books. Bath tub crayons are the best bath toy. Read a story to them every day. If you buy them a hundred different movies, they will watch just one a hundred times. Buy paper plates and cups to cut back on dishes. Learn how to make your own sammich.
 
2013-01-07 10:42:49 PM

The Evil That Lies In The Hearts Of Men: Baby girl: Wipe from front to back.


This, So Much this, oh and be prepared for diaper explosions at the most inopportune times, i.e. 5 minutes after you changed a wet diaper and put her in a car seat for a 2 hour ride to grandma's house, there are good times for diaper explosions i.e. 5 minutes after you have handed her to grandma, seriously your mother will think it is cute and rush off to change her before you can say "mom give her back I will take care of it"
 
2013-01-07 10:43:01 PM
I asked this exact thread a couple months ago. There's some great stuff in here.

http://www.fark.com/comments/7370101/Subby-found-out-his-wife-was-pre g nant-this-morning-Expected-planned-Breeders-Whats-one-piece-of-advice- you-WISH-you-could-have-had-on-day-one-regarding-your-impending-crotch fruit?startid=79874457
 
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