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(Fark)   Subby just found out he is going to be a father today. What sage advice/snark do you have for the future dad?   (fark.com) divider line 572
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2294 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Jan 2013 at 9:28 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-01-07 10:05:44 PM
I'm a father of a 9 month old boy.

All I can say is sleep now. Sleep often and enjoy your free time like you've been sentenced to death.

Seriously the best thing that's ever happened to me though.
 
2013-01-07 10:06:07 PM
Stock up on paperback books, and get a rocking chair. You're going to be doing a lot of one-handed reading at 2 AM.
 
2013-01-07 10:06:13 PM
start secretly saving money for a lawyer, or college fund if divorce never occurs; luck and wishes will not help you now
 
2013-01-07 10:06:36 PM
Don't let the kid sleep in the bed with you. You'll have a hell of a time getting them not to later.
If they bite you, don't bite them back, that doesn't help the matter.
Test out the different diaper brands before committing. NEVER buy Luvs, you may as well wrap them in a Kleenex.
An iPod touch is a sanity saver at the store or doctor's office.
Don't buy too many clothes in one size as they'll grow out of them before they can wear them all....that goes for shoes too.
Wipes warmers are awesome for those middle of the night changes, much less firehosing.

/I know there's more but that'll do for now
 
2013-01-07 10:06:39 PM
Take up drinking, preferably hard liquor like bourbon or scotch. If already do, double your daily dose. You kid will automatically have a reason to hate you and when you quit later you have a reason to get back in their life.

Then you can go out drinking with them...
 
2013-01-07 10:07:06 PM
Don't join a cult that molests yer kid.
 
2013-01-07 10:07:23 PM
Always ask yourself this question before doing something... Will my actions get me a call from the local news or a daytime talk show...

If the answer is "yes", don't do it!
 
2013-01-07 10:07:30 PM
Kill yourself
 
2013-01-07 10:07:53 PM

Atomic Spunk: You will learn to love another human being in a way that far exceeds any love you have for yourself or anyone else. And there will always be a part of you that worries constantly that somehow your child will die before you do, and the notion will frighten you deeper than almost any other feeling that you may ever experience.


Get out of my head.
 
2013-01-07 10:08:07 PM
Screw your still-beautiful wife/girlfriend every damn day while you can because she will never, ever, be the same again.

What has been seen cannot be unseen and what has been stretched will never snap back:
Click, but eye-bleach recommended
 
2013-01-07 10:08:27 PM
Don't worry about a thing. I was stolen by wolves and raised in a cave and I turned out just fine.

Just fine.
 
2013-01-07 10:08:31 PM
www.sproutsanfrancisco.com

This book will save your life, or at least your sanity.
 
2013-01-07 10:08:51 PM
i172.photobucket.com
 
2013-01-07 10:09:06 PM
Hold him/her every day as much/often as you can.
 
2013-01-07 10:09:42 PM
Mec is really gross (it's the first stuff they poop out), but don't worry, it will turn into real poop in a couple of days, and that will be really gross as well. Don't worry you'll get used to it. You will get used to a lot of really gross disgusting things. Honest. Also, as your child gets older and you talk to other parents and you think to yourself, "Wow, their kids are way better than mine. Their kids don't get into trouble and they do their homework without being hounded and they're polite and great at math blah blah blah. I'm a bad parent." DON'T BELIEVE THEM! NONE OF THEM ARE TELLING THE TRUTH! THEIR KIDS ARE JUST AS SCREWED UP AS YOURS!
And by that I mean normal.
 
2013-01-07 10:10:13 PM
Fatherhood is the best thing in the world. You will forever be loved and love another.

Schedule, schedule schedule. Keep the baby on a schedule - feeding, sleeping, resting, It may seem anal, but it pays off huge dividends as they grow up, It makes them better adjusted and healthier.

Also, don't let the breastfeeding nazis get to you. If you decide not to breastfeed, you are not a horrible parent and your kid will not grow up tarded. Formula fed babies do just fine. Breastfeeding is better, that is true, but some women have trouble with it. It is okay to try, fail, and switch to formula.

Good luck!
 
2013-01-07 10:10:17 PM
Congratulations!

My advice: You will want to take lots of pictures and videos. That's fine. But be sure to put the camera down and just be in the moment too.
 
2013-01-07 10:10:24 PM
if you dont like suprises, keep your mouth closed around your toddler
 
2013-01-07 10:10:39 PM
Chaining the kid to a radiator is like fight club....never talk about it.
 
2013-01-07 10:10:43 PM
One piece of advice my friend gave me was: don't be too quiet around the baby.  They were quiet around their first kid and she woke up at the drop of a pin.  So I took this advice and  mine could sleep through everything, like his second daughter.

The weird item I was happy I eventually bought but would have liked to have from the start:  Get a mirror that attaches to the back seat headrest and reflects to the front mirror, some have lights and music too.  In my state for the first year, the baby must face the rear, and be in the back seat.  New parents are naturally paranoid, but it is great to be able to know at a glance if they are sleeping or what they are up to.

Don't sweat the germs, it helps build the immune system; antiseptic children may have more allergies and illnesses.  (This is a theory with high correlation, but still only a theory.)
 
2013-01-07 10:10:44 PM

det0321: Serious response here. 1. Plenty of physical contact when the child is small. 2. Tell the child that you love him/her often. 3. Always look the child in the eye when conversing. This will require you to squat down frequently. 4. Treat the child with the same level of respect that you would like to receive from anyone you meet. 5. Always give them a choice i.e. shower or bath tonight? or do you want to brush your teeth during the commercial or at the end of the program. You'll get what you want and they will learn good habits.

tl;dr hold them a lot and tell them you love them.

I am 2 for 2 with this approach as a single (widower) dad. Congratulations and enjoy!


Other than all the sappy and hilarious advice, this is the best. #5 is the cardinal rule for avoiding 'NO!'
 
2013-01-07 10:10:55 PM
1. Don't worry about making mistakes... kids are tough and enormously forgiving.
2. Hold them, love them, and play with them.
3. Have fun, be silly, and laugh with them.
4. Teach them the things that you ended up having to learn the hard way (and as much as you can).
5. Be fair, but firm.
6. Learn from them... while you have a lot to teach them, they have a lot to teach you about yourself.
7. Get used to gross stuff... there will be plenty of it to clean up.
8. Give them rules to follow and enforce those rules (don't be a pushover).
9. If the baby is screaming and crying and you feel yourself tensing up from the stress, put the baby in it's crib for a little while and walk away... this is more important than most people realize.
10. Let them make mistakes... then help them to understand their mistakes.
11. Teach them to cook... someday they'll be on their own and they're going to need to know how.
12. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you make along the way.

There is plenty else you'll figure out along the way... but as a father of three, that's my advice.

Oh yeah... as for the birthing... See what you can do about finding an excellent midwife instead of relying on doctors. They're WAY WAY better for uncomplicated/healthy birthing in my opinion.
 
2013-01-07 10:11:04 PM
Sleep fast.
 
2013-01-07 10:11:09 PM
Right there with you, subby. We're due July 4th.

*fistbump*

pick their fark handle now
 
2013-01-07 10:12:09 PM
Patience... and Mama is queen... always.
 
2013-01-07 10:12:48 PM
Your baby mama will be "nesting" around 6-7 months. don't push back on that shiat, or you will suffer severely.
 
2013-01-07 10:13:24 PM
As soon as you can, lay him/her down on a small blanket and outline them with magic marker with the date. Mine's 9yr old now and looking at that together is an amazing thing.
 
2013-01-07 10:13:38 PM
Congrats subs!
You are going to be objectively right an awful lot of times over the next 7 or 8 months. Know that in your head but admit you are wrong every time.
 
2013-01-07 10:13:46 PM

Tatt2wand: Mec is really gross (it's the first stuff they poop out), but don't worry, it will turn into real poop in a couple of days, and that will be really gross as well. Don't worry you'll get used to it. You will get used to a lot of really gross disgusting things. Honest. Also, as your child gets older and you talk to other parents and you think to yourself, "Wow, their kids are way better than mine. Their kids don't get into trouble and they do their homework without being hounded and they're polite and great at math blah blah blah. I'm a bad parent." DON'T BELIEVE THEM! NONE OF THEM ARE TELLING THE TRUTH! THEIR KIDS ARE JUST AS SCREWED UP AS YOURS!
And by that I mean normal.


When you have vomit running down the front of you, and poop running down the back of you, that's one of those parenting moments we call "Tuesday". :-)
 
2013-01-07 10:14:11 PM
don't be abnormally quiet when the baby sleeps. Vacuum, watch tv, whatever. Once you condition them to need quiet you will tiptoe around the house for 4 years.
 
2013-01-07 10:14:27 PM
I believe all we've learned today is that your wife is pregnant. I'm not prepared to jump to any further conclusions.

/'grats subs
 
2013-01-07 10:14:51 PM
oh, and whatever you do, don't eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. You can literally buy a case of them to replace it and it won't be the same because she wanted THAT Almond Joy Easter Egg.

/true story
 
2013-01-07 10:15:02 PM
Adam Baldwin was an extra in a Stargate SG-1 episode, and he had a lot to say about having kids.
Video
 
2013-01-07 10:15:04 PM
Duct tape. Congratulations!!
 
2013-01-07 10:15:33 PM

dramboxf: Keep her off the pole.


This.

And make sure any guy she talks to knows that you have no problem going back to prison.
 
2013-01-07 10:15:33 PM
Enjoy every moment.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
Share the responsibilities of parenthood and child maintenance with your SO. I know a guy who said, "I never changed my kids' diapers because I was never any good at it." Bullshiat. You're the dad. It's your job to GET good at it.
Remember how they look when they're bald, have no teeth and are covered in drool. If you're like me, you'll long for the simplicity of those days as they grow.
You can never love your own child too much.
Don't make excuses for your own behavior as a parent based on what was done to you during your childhood. My dad was an alcoholic. My mom used to beat me, and once got so mad at me she threw an ironing board at my head. And I have chosen to take those experiences and make them an example of what *not* to do as a parent.
You can either make excuses or make progress. Make progress.
Talk to your baby. Cuddle her. Kiss her belly. Nuzzle her. Babies become toddlers who become kids that eventually reach an age where they no longer want to be touched by you. Soak it all up now.
Be silly. Play with your baby. Instill a self-deprecating sense of humor in her as she grows. A child that can laugh at herself is rarely laughed at by others.
Don't spend every moment behind the camera. Save some of those wonderful moments for yourself, and allow yourself to be as present as you possibly can. Life is better when it's experienced face-to-face rather than seen through a 2.5" screen.
Enjoy all that is to come. I envy all the amazement that you will experience.
I truly wish you and your family the very, very best.
 
2013-01-07 10:16:04 PM
www.wired.com
 
2013-01-07 10:16:47 PM
If she chooses to go to a hospital, and she has a plan for how she wants things to happen, you stick up for her and don't cave in to the staff, and ask her to make a "nice gesture".  They also expect things to go a certain way, and don't like to be told otherwise.

/still bitter almost 16 years later
 
2013-01-07 10:16:53 PM
An iPod touch in a otter box at the age of 3 is amazing.

Great tool for learning. Use 2-3 times a week as a reward for being good.cousin has this set up and the kid patiently asks when getting a chore done to read a book with animations on the iPod touch. An old smart phone may be capable of doing the same.

It's awesome to see them read and wonder, but also learn how to love technology.

Not an Apple fanboy, but just observing the fact that the device is a great learning tool.
 
2013-01-07 10:17:07 PM
Best parenting advice I ever received: Don't take parenting advice from anyone.
 
2013-01-07 10:17:29 PM
1. Buy these aden + anais swaddle blankets

2. Babby cries. Sometimes just to cry. If they are fed, clean, not hot, not cold. It is OK to step outside for 5-10 minutes and let them cry. This is highly contested and you will hear arguments for both sides. Only you know your babby.

3. Hormones are still driving the wife's actions even after babby is born

4. BED TIME ROUTINE

5. BED TIME ROUTINE

6. BED TIME ROUTINE

20 month old. Slept through the night from 8 weeks on. Goes to bed now at 7:30pm and gets up at 6:45am. Every weekday. On the weekends she lets us sleep until 8am.
 
2013-01-07 10:17:35 PM
Hm. I'd suggest you keep a closer eye on your missus the next time.

zing!
 
2013-01-07 10:17:55 PM

Rev.K: Sleep. Sleep now because you will never again know the luxury of going to bed whenever you want.


When my first one came along, a friend advised me to get used to being tired... for the next 18 years.
 
2013-01-07 10:18:26 PM
Sage Advice:

sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net

/Hotlinked like a mofo.
 
2013-01-07 10:18:31 PM
Abort! Abort! Abort!
 
2013-01-07 10:18:34 PM

skullkrusher: oh, and whatever you do, don't eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. You can literally buy a case of them to replace it and it won't be the same because she wanted THAT Almond Joy Easter Egg.

/true story


Eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. Teach them that you don't always get what you want.
 
2013-01-07 10:19:13 PM
Don't get married because of this.

Don't have another kid right away because of this.

I am not married nor have ever been, and I only have one child. We aren't getting married and we are not together.

That's all, really.
 
2013-01-07 10:20:01 PM

Blushing Wall Flower: sarahthustra: give the kid  name that doesn't suck.

I like the name Garth.


Garp? What kind of name is Garp?
 
2013-01-07 10:20:15 PM
Just wait until they are six and yell at you from the top of the stairs "I hate you and hope you die. But first can you drive me to the mall?"
 
2013-01-07 10:20:34 PM
Buy a Diaper Genie II.
 
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