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(Fark)   Subby just found out he is going to be a father today. What sage advice/snark do you have for the future dad?   (fark.com) divider line 572
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2297 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Jan 2013 at 9:28 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-01-07 09:34:21 PM  
Pull out next time.
 
2013-01-07 09:34:38 PM  
For these next however many months left, sleep. For the love of God, sleep.

/sleep
 
2013-01-07 09:34:52 PM  
Tell them stories about your childhood every chance you get. Especially stories about when you did something dumb. Get them to understand early that screwing something up isn't the end of the world.
 
2013-01-07 09:34:54 PM  
Teach everyday.
 
2013-01-07 09:35:08 PM  
imgs.xkcd.com
 
2013-01-07 09:35:48 PM  
Condoms.

/too late

Have the tal about condoms.

//too son

Enjoy the ride.

///you bought your ticket.
 
2013-01-07 09:35:56 PM  
Get a job.

Keep it.
 
2013-01-07 09:36:17 PM  
Run away
 
2013-01-07 09:36:18 PM  
Don't put baby in a corner.
 
2013-01-07 09:36:32 PM  

sleep lack: [imgs.xkcd.com image 650x214]


kind of a simulpost
sort of
 
2013-01-07 09:36:33 PM  

rotsky: During labor and delivery, position yourself in such a way that you can help and support your wife. Do it in such a way that you don't actually see the baby coming out. There's nothing to be seen there that can't be unseen. Trust me.

Wait until the doctors clean everything up.


If it ends up being a C-section, be sure you can see what's going on. There's so much blood everywhere it's AWESOME. By far one of the coolest things I've ever seen. Pulling that baby outta there, tossing the placenta aside. Describing it all to the girlfriend because she can't see beyond the screen. Epic.
 
2013-01-07 09:36:41 PM  
Get all the farking sleep you can get now.
fark as much as you can now.
 
2013-01-07 09:36:45 PM  
Be patient with yourself as well as your child. You'll both be doing a lot of learning and growing.
 
2013-01-07 09:36:59 PM  
Sell it on ebay.
 
2013-01-07 09:37:16 PM  
Don't panic.
 
2013-01-07 09:37:35 PM  

AdolfOliverPanties: Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.


This, it makes dogfarts smell like fresh baked cookies in comparison.

Other than that, have fun!
 
2013-01-07 09:37:36 PM  
Do not set up a facebook for your baby. It makes you look like an asshole.
 
2013-01-07 09:38:16 PM  
Should have pulled out.
 
2013-01-07 09:38:21 PM  
NOTHING IS MORE STRESS INDUCING THAN THE CONSTANT CRYING OF A BABY.

NO BABY EVER DIED FROM CRYING!

Sorry for yelling, but it drives me nuts to hear of child abuse to infants because a parent lost their head.

Seriously, if the baby is fed and the diaper is dry, put them in the crib and shut the door. Go outside and breath. Give it 5-10 minutes to cry while you calm yourself.

And LOVE LOVE LOVE that baby! They are the best thing in the world.

/father of 6
 
2013-01-07 09:38:34 PM  
Oh, and talk to the baby -- a lot. Very good for brain development.
 
2013-01-07 09:38:50 PM  
Be a better Dad than your father was.....
 
2013-01-07 09:38:52 PM  
Try not to be late with child support - they really don't like that.
 
2013-01-07 09:38:55 PM  

rotsky: During labor and delivery, position yourself in such a way that you can help and support your wife. Do it in such a way that you don't actually see the baby coming out. There's nothing to be seen there that can't be unseen. Trust me.

Wait until the doctors clean everything up.


I dunno about this. I can say plenty bad about my ex but he held my hand and snapped pictures during my Csection.
Oh subby - you did this to her. Depending on time of gestation, she may be huge during the summer. Kinda sucks to be you.
 
2013-01-07 09:39:08 PM  

SilentStrider: gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.

word is my father found this out the hard way.


My mother mentioned once that, when the doctor weighed my brother as a baby, they had his diaper off and back on in less than a minute. Apparently, something went wrong the first time.
 
2013-01-07 09:40:25 PM  
Wait? TFers are reproducing now?

*Preps for the end of the world*
 
2013-01-07 09:40:55 PM  
Penis.
 
2013-01-07 09:40:55 PM  
Assuming you found out early in the pregnancy....
Buy some Ben and Jerry's or Hagan Dass or whatever the little lady is into. Hide it in the freezer and be able to produce it when the hormone fairy arrives. Yeah... it's an old Robin Willaim's joke but I swear this will save your relationship and maybe your life.
 
2013-01-07 09:41:31 PM  
Congrats to you and the Mom - you are both in for a wonderful ride.

It will be all the things above and so much more. There is no instruction manual, no guide book. Everyone has an opinion but you and Mom should decide what YOU two want and to hell with the rest.

Good luck

/due in 4 weeks
//agree with comments about what works for me may not for you
///Seriously agree with the comments about staying near mom and getting sleep now
 
2013-01-07 09:41:34 PM  
Don't let the mother of the child get any angrier than necessary.
 
2013-01-07 09:41:51 PM  
Run
 
2013-01-07 09:42:00 PM  
Bank some sleep.
Bank some more sleep.
 
2013-01-07 09:42:04 PM  

Indubitably: Penis.


to penis
 
2013-01-07 09:42:48 PM  
Run dude
 
2013-01-07 09:43:11 PM  
get a DNA test. She is lying
 
2013-01-07 09:43:47 PM  
Kids are not that complicated. Feed them. Change their diapers. Keep them out of traffic. You'll figure it out. Start saving your money. It's expensive but worth it.
 
2013-01-07 09:44:00 PM  

cretinbob: Just let it go.
You are the father, not the mother. When the kid farks up, tell him/her. Yelling can get their attention, but keep it to a minimum. Most kids tune that shiat out, but do pay attention to a calm voice.


this
 
2013-01-07 09:44:01 PM  
Do not let the kid on an airplane for a few years. The rest of us will thank you in advance.
 
2013-01-07 09:44:05 PM  
Here are things I've found that aren't necessarily obvious, but most vitally important:
- Always keep precedents/consistency in mind.  You can't let your kid do something when they're little because it seems cute, and then expect them to stop doing it when they're older.

- People have gone through horrible, horrible childhoods (abuse, loss of parents, etc.) and come out as fairly functional adults.  Don't get worked up thinking you've scarred them for life just because you embarrassed them in front of their friends.

- The above notwithstanding, even doing your best you're almost certainly going to be responsible for some bit of emotional baggage.  We all have some. Get over it.

- You'll miss bath times, hand feeding, and all the other chores when they're too old for it, so enjoy them now.
 
2013-01-07 09:44:08 PM  
wwwimage.cbsstatic.com
 
2013-01-07 09:44:56 PM  
You will learn to love another human being in a way that far exceeds any love you have for yourself or anyone else. And there will always be a part of you that worries constantly that somehow your child will die before you do, and the notion will frighten you deeper than almost any other feeling that you may ever experience.
 
2013-01-07 09:45:37 PM  
No matter what you're facing, never lose your sense of humor. It will save you and your child a lot of heartache.
 
2013-01-07 09:45:42 PM  
Dirt is a necessary part of a kids diet and helps build a strong immune system. Hand Sanitizer really isnt doing anyone any favors.

/good thing kids are bouncy
 
2013-01-07 09:46:22 PM  
Congrats Subbs,

The best and truest advice i can offer is this;

It is all about your child now.

Everything you do from this point on is all about him or her...

Period.

Everything you do should have your offspring in mind first.

You will never be happier, or sadder, but following this advice, you will never be richer.

Enjoy!
 
2013-01-07 09:46:23 PM  
You will always be one ill-advised meth binge away from becoming the subject of a FARK headline for the second time in your life.
 
2013-01-07 09:46:24 PM  
Get term life insurance and long term disability insurance tomorrow. If you die, make sure he/she is taken care of. The odds are you'll become disabled instead of dying early. So get disability to take care of the family in case you can't. Oh, and take lots of pictures and periodically go back and look. Not only will you see how far he/she has come, but you'll see how far you have come too. Congratulations.
 
2013-01-07 09:47:29 PM  

Atomic Spunk: You will learn to love another human being in a way that far exceeds any love you have for yourself or anyone else. And there will always be a part of you that worries constantly that somehow your child will die before you do, and the notion will frighten you deeper than almost any other feeling that you may ever experience.


Exactly! (new dad here with a 14 month old)
 
2013-01-07 09:47:55 PM  
speak softly so they have to pay attention when you say 'Don't make me pull the hammer back, kid...'
 
2013-01-07 09:48:02 PM  
Paternity test
 
2013-01-07 09:48:20 PM  
People won't admit it, but babies are welcome everywhere. The movies, restaurants, strip clubs.
 
2013-01-07 09:48:26 PM  
Don't stick your dick in crazy?

/too soon?
//too late?
 
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