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(Fark)   Subby just found out he is going to be a father today. What sage advice/snark do you have for the future dad?   (fark.com) divider line 572
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2294 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Jan 2013 at 9:28 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-01-07 06:29:35 PM
Congratulations. Don't fark up.
 
2013-01-07 06:29:55 PM
blood test ...

/no, congrats
 
2013-01-07 06:29:56 PM
You're going to be a father today? That's pretty short notice.
 
2013-01-07 06:30:25 PM
Your kid is going to kill a bunch of people in a theater.

And that is all on you, amigo.

You f*cked up.
 
2013-01-07 06:31:10 PM
If she has waited nine months to tell you, your in for a rough ride.
 
2013-01-07 06:31:46 PM
Teach him how to throw
 
2013-01-07 06:31:47 PM
Keep her off the pole.
 
2013-01-07 06:32:02 PM
Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.
 
2013-01-07 06:32:22 PM
I hope you find the priesthood very rewarding.
 
2013-01-07 06:32:30 PM
Don't screw up!
 
2013-01-07 06:32:48 PM
Dishsoap will get puke and poop out of most fabrics.
 
2013-01-07 06:33:20 PM
Who found out first, you or Maury?
 
2013-01-07 06:34:02 PM
When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.
 
2013-01-07 06:34:04 PM
Buy a couple of sets of really small screw drivers:  Everything for children takes batteries and the battery doors are all secured by really small (in some cases hard to reach) screws.

S

This is a late parrot: Teach him how to throw


Seriously, start playing with your kids as soon as they are able.
 
2013-01-07 06:34:05 PM
give the kid  name that doesn't suck.
 
2013-01-07 06:34:15 PM
Congrats, subby!
I don't have any advice. Just don't forget to take care of you and your SO, and your relationship. And discipline that little brat, please for the sake of humanity.
 
2013-01-07 06:34:45 PM
it sure takes a load off MY chest.
 
2013-01-07 06:34:57 PM
Depending upon who I'd like to say congratulations , or get a paternity test, or have that thing aborted before you completely ruin yet another life you sick bastard.
 
2013-01-07 06:34:59 PM

sarahthustra: give the kid  name that doesn't suck.


I like the name Garth.
 
2013-01-07 06:35:13 PM
Congrats on the sex. Don't spend the gestation period kvetching about fatherhood. Just do it.
 
2013-01-07 06:36:03 PM

Professor Wormbog: it sure takes a load off MY chest.


Who shot their load on your chest?
 
2013-01-07 06:36:13 PM
/subby
 
2013-01-07 06:36:19 PM
Have you told the mother yet? Or might it not be hers?
 
2013-01-07 06:36:34 PM
Congrats!
 
2013-01-07 06:36:50 PM
Feed it french fries from McDonalds every day during its first few months and gradually get him used to eating cheeseburgers. Wait until he's at least five or six before his first tattoo.
 
2013-01-07 06:37:12 PM

AdolfOliverPanties: Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.


Seriously, I cannot stress this enough.
 
2013-01-07 06:37:19 PM
Congrats, atticus!
 
2013-01-07 06:37:44 PM

platkat: Wait until he's at least five or six before his first tattoo.


Is that months or weeks?
 
2013-01-07 06:37:48 PM
The trick to parenthood is redundancy. You'll definitely screw the first one up and possibly the second, so you'll need to have at least two more.
 
2013-01-07 06:38:30 PM
I bet your kid will be gay.
 
2013-01-07 06:38:43 PM
Time to grow the fark up, snowflake.
 
2013-01-07 06:40:11 PM
If you have a girl, you should definitely sign her up for beauty pageants as soon as she can walk. The pageant world will teach her positive life skills that she will use in the real world.
 
2013-01-07 06:40:14 PM
You come here for advice...?

You're going to be a terrible father.
 
2013-01-07 06:40:25 PM
You're going to make mistakes.  Try not to make too many, and don't kick your own ass too much- kids are resilient.
 
2013-01-07 06:40:26 PM

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


Also, the poo doesn't stink for the first couple of days. After that, and I suggest a little Vick's under your nostrils.

Oh and the thing about the umbilical chord stump, too.
 
2013-01-07 06:40:32 PM
Don't get too irritated at people saying "I bet it'll be a boy" or "I bet you're having a girl."  That's just what they do.

I even had one person say "I bet it'll be a hermaphrodite."  I just smiled weakly and said "thanks a lot, mom."
 
2013-01-07 06:41:40 PM

Phletchengreuber: The trick to parenthood is redundancy. You'll definitely screw the first one up and possibly the second, so you'll need to have at least two more.


There is much uncomfortable truth here.
 
2013-01-07 06:41:56 PM
that's so weird, because i was definitely thinking you probably SHOULD smell the umbilical cord stump. i mean it just sounds so tempting, how could you not?
 
2013-01-07 06:42:33 PM
sage is overrated.  use less of it in your dressing.
 
2013-01-07 06:42:53 PM
If you drop your kid, blame it on the dog.
 
2013-01-07 06:43:46 PM

Professor Wormbog: that's so weird, because i was definitely thinking you probably SHOULD smell the umbilical cord stump. i mean it just sounds so tempting, how could you not?


You ever smell the result of a laser scapel on human skin?  It would make a starving vulture vomit.
 
DGS [TotalFark]
2013-01-07 06:44:06 PM
Congrats!
 
2013-01-07 06:44:41 PM

sarahthustra: sage is overrated.  use less of it in your dressing.


Sage goes in every field.


//well maybe not anymore, but it usta-did.
 
2013-01-07 06:46:46 PM
for real this is one of the best advice i've come across and i try to apply it to my sister because it really doesnt matter if theyre your kid or just a family member.

youre going to get angry, youre going to get stressed and life is going to fark with you. we can tell when someone is feeling like this but kids always find a way to internalize it so:

no matter how angry you are, no matter how sad or overloaded you are dont let that be the face you greet your child with. if you hear them toddle/run/walk into the room make sure that they see you smile whenever you see them. let the face they see when they find you be one that says 'i'm glad to see you, you make me happy' not your worried about bills face.

kids are special. make sure you always seem happy to see them, no matter how hard it is to put your own problems aside
 
2013-01-07 06:46:51 PM
Don't forget to eat the placenta!!
 
2013-01-07 06:49:17 PM

Ponzholio: If you drop your kid, blame it on the dog.


we have a home video of my parents bathing my sister and you hear my dad freak out because he thinks my mom was about to drop her.

hah i just laughed. sometimes we just tell her she was dropped
 
2013-01-07 06:49:31 PM

LlamaGirl: Don't forget to eat the placenta!!


That's the tastiest part!
 
2013-01-07 06:49:56 PM

AdolfOliverPanties: AdolfOliverPanties: Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.

Seriously, I cannot stress this enough.


That's so weird. Why would you do that? And what did it smell like?
 
2013-01-07 06:50:30 PM

sgt cyanide: kids are special.


I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.
 
2013-01-07 06:50:59 PM
Well, congratulations to you Dad to be. I don't have any parenting advice -- what works for me might not work for you.

But I will say this - run interference for your wife when strangers ask to touch her belly. You just never know how that shiat's gonna go down. It's all about the hormone levels.
 
2013-01-07 06:51:41 PM

Mrs.Sharpier: AdolfOliverPanties: AdolfOliverPanties: Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.

Seriously, I cannot stress this enough.

That's so weird. Why would you do that? And what did it smell like?


Rotted meat.  Death.  It smelled like what it was: dead flesh.
 
2013-01-07 06:52:38 PM
WHY?
 
2013-01-07 06:52:57 PM

Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.


see? theyre like puppies. only better because they can hug you and literally shake with excitement when they see you.

i've gotten to pick my sister up from school a few times. because its so rare she doesnt expect to see me so its fun to see her stop her friends mid sentence so she can run up to me. i have to remind her to say goodbye.

and also its funny how she doesnt seem embarrassed that her sister is old. she corrects them all casually like 'no this isnt my mom its my sister'
 
2013-01-07 06:54:46 PM

sgt cyanide: Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.

see? theyre like puppies. only better because they can hug you and literally shake with excitement when they see you.

i've gotten to pick my sister up from school a few times. because its so rare she doesnt expect to see me so its fun to see her stop her friends mid sentence so she can run up to me. i have to remind her to say goodbye.

and also its funny how she doesnt seem embarrassed that her sister is old. she corrects them all casually like 'no this isnt my mom its my sister'


Tori introduced me to her friend Kavia, and then had to run back in and hug Kavia goodbye.  SO CUTE.
 
2013-01-07 06:55:29 PM
During labor and delivery, position yourself in such a way that you can help and support your wife. Do it in such a way that you don't actually see the baby coming out. There's nothing to be seen there that can't be unseen. Trust me.

Wait until the doctors clean everything up.
 
2013-01-07 06:55:33 PM
Then she an Jack argued in the car and I was this close to going Bill Cosby and saying NOBODY IS GOING TO TOUCH ANYBODY ELSE!!
 
2013-01-07 06:55:34 PM
it's only a game. Let the kid enjoy it and stop worrying about his playing to his potential.
 
2013-01-07 06:58:30 PM
You'll get a lot of unsolicited advice. As soon as you have a kid, suddenly everyone has a degree in childhood psychology. They all mean well, so don't take offence. There isn't time to make all the mistakes yourself.

Time off from parenting is crucial. Make dates with the mom. Enlist family members to babysit. Let the mom call ten times if she wants to. Feel no guilt.

Put the kid in the "cute special" outfits. Let them wear stuff out rather than outgrow it. Stains are like scars, they're proof that you had a good time at one point.

Likewise, a broken toy is proof that a kid loved it to death.

Oh, and their immune systems are way better than you think they are. Let them get dirty and don't fuss about what they eat.

Get them their shots.

Take a lot of pictures, but keep only the good shots.

Learn hand signs. Kids can talk before their mouths can handle speech.

You're always on point with late-night emergencies, bug and bird disposal, and checking the baby for life.

Oh right, learn CPR and First Aid. I've held certification since 1993. My daughter passed out once from a fit, she stopped breathing and passed out. I remember thinking "Okay mag, This Is It. How much FA do you know right now? Let's. Go." As soon as my cold hands touched her chest, she took a deep breath in.

Sorry, got on a roll there.

Oh, and keep her off the pole. That's your number one job.
 
2013-01-07 07:01:39 PM

Mrs.Sharpier: WHY?


I don't know why I smelled it.  It popped off my daughter when I was changing her and I just...sniffed it.

Imagine taking a deep whiff in a room full of dead rats.
 
2013-01-07 07:02:55 PM
Sleep. Sleep now because you will never again know the luxury of going to bed whenever you want.
 
2013-01-07 07:04:10 PM

Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.


Aw, heck, I still do that.
 
2013-01-07 07:04:34 PM

Ceteris Paribus says: Then she an Jack argued in the car and I was this close to going Bill Cosby and saying NOBODY IS GOING TO TOUCH ANYBODY ELSE!!


bahaha i just watched bill cosby on jimmy fallon. i forget how funny he is. and yes. kids are cute. i wish my little sister had better taste in boys. this quinn kid is... definitely not up to standard
 
2013-01-07 07:05:19 PM
Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.

Terrible.

Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.
 
2013-01-07 07:06:01 PM
As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.
 
2013-01-07 07:06:53 PM

TheSignPost: Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.

Terrible.

Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.


i miss the I ONLY DRINK MILK AND EAT CAPN CRUNCH phase. she thought she could control the color of her poo.

i have to ask my mom if she put that in her baby book. 'mmm purple. no no no today green!'
 
2013-01-07 07:07:57 PM

TheSignPost: Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.

Terrible.

Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.


I thought formula poop was the worst -- anecdotally, that is -- no first hand experience in any of those matters.
 
2013-01-07 07:08:12 PM

Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.


the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird
 
2013-01-07 07:11:59 PM

sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.

the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird


DAMMIT! My coworker just walked by as I was feeling the top of my head...
 
2013-01-07 07:12:00 PM

sgt cyanide: Ceteris Paribus says: Then she an Jack argued in the car and I was this close to going Bill Cosby and saying NOBODY IS GOING TO TOUCH ANYBODY ELSE!!

bahaha i just watched bill cosby on jimmy fallon. i forget how funny he is. and yes. kids are cute. i wish my little sister had better taste in boys. this quinn kid is... definitely not up to standard


Last valentines day a little girl named Ainshu made my son a card.  We were out at dinner and I brought that up.  He got so instantly upset that he just fell out of his chair.  It was hysterically funny.
 
2013-01-07 07:12:16 PM

sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.

the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird


I've drunkenly fallen and hit my head so many times, my head is full of soft spots.
 
2013-01-07 07:12:38 PM

Ponzholio: sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.

the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird

DAMMIT! My coworker just walked by as I was feeling the top of my head...


She meant the one connected to your neck, man!
 
2013-01-07 07:14:46 PM

Ceteris Paribus says: Ponzholio: sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.

the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird

DAMMIT! My coworker just walked by as I was feeling the top of my head...

She meant the one connected to your neck, man!


Oh... Well, I guess I'll have to clarify it was a miscommunication with HR tomorrow...
 
2013-01-07 07:21:04 PM
Do not have sex with the baby.
 
2013-01-07 07:21:52 PM

TheSignPost: Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.

Terrible.

Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.


Weird, I got Iron Stomach as a class feature. The only time I've puked in the last nine years was when I reacted really bad to some meds.

And I've had my daughter barf in my mouth (by accident). And one time she sneezed when I was changing her and poop went all over. Some... uh, some went in. :(

Oh, so there's some advice. Keep your mouth closed.
 
2013-01-07 07:28:38 PM

Ponzholio: Oh... Well, I guess I'll have to clarify it was a miscommunication with HR tomorrow...


BUT COULD YOU FEEL IT?!
 
2013-01-07 07:40:11 PM
you're getting ready to spend $250k over the next 17 yrs.

congrats
 
2013-01-07 07:52:01 PM
Teenagers are not magically evil. Don't freak out. Yes, they're about to do stupid shiat, but they're not inherently malicious, they're still the same person they were yesterday. Just a bit dumber and more drama-prone. And they will really, really need you.

Overall, stay calm and make sure they know you love them, and it'll turn out okay.
 
2013-01-07 08:39:29 PM
Don't make the mistake of lots of parents.  Your kid is not your best friend, he needs a parent, be a parent, not a friend.
 
2013-01-07 08:41:03 PM
Have ONE and ONLY ONE child.

Seriously.. If you have one it's a fun hobby. Work yeah but good work.

BUT the work load when you add a second kid doesn't just double.. oh no. It increases by an order of magnitude. Let's use the term 'work unit' as a measure of the work you do when having a child. If a single child is 10 work units a day, two children are 75 work units a day..

No one ever listens to me on this, maybe you will be the first.
 
2013-01-07 08:41:40 PM
Just let it go.
You are the father, not the mother. When the kid farks up, tell him/her. Yelling can get their attention, but keep it to a minimum. Most kids tune that shiat out, but do pay attention to a calm voice.
 
2013-01-07 08:59:02 PM
Congrats!

When you go into the delivery room, bring a paper lunch bag filled with candies and mints - mom will appreciate them during labor. When the contractions start, and you feel a little woozy, you can rebreathe through the bag until it passes. Then, when she's having trouble pushing just that last bit, you can pop the paper bag loudly behind her head. She will appreciate it, trust me.

/seriously, though, congrats. Smile like an idiot for the next 8 months, then be totally baffled for the next 18-plus years. It's worked for me.
 
2013-01-07 09:00:48 PM

sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: Oh... Well, I guess I'll have to clarify it was a miscommunication with HR tomorrow...

BUT COULD YOU FEEL IT?!


I found two Skittles.
 
2013-01-07 09:16:27 PM

Rev.K: Sleep. Sleep now because you will never again know the luxury of going to bed whenever you want.


THIS

also, the first poop is black as tar and sqeezes out like toothpaste
 
2013-01-07 09:20:16 PM
Whatever you think it will be like is wrong.

Other people's experience won't mean a lot to you. You'll do things your own way. Relax and enjoy it.

Congratulations.
 
2013-01-07 09:26:05 PM
Subby, if you're anywhere near Philly (specifically the western suburbs) I have a crapload of infant stuff (stroller, car seats, ect) we don't need any longer. Email is not in profile, but is my fark handle @gmail.Goes for anyone else local who has a need, btw - Goodwill won't take them and I'm struggling to find a place to donate them where they'll be used
 
2013-01-07 09:29:51 PM

stratagos: Subby, if you're anywhere near Philly (specifically the western suburbs) I have a crapload of infant stuff (stroller, car seats, ect) we don't need any longer. Email is not in profile, but is my fark handle @gmail.Goes for anyone else local who has a need, btw - Goodwill won't take them and I'm struggling to find a place to donate them where they'll be used


this went green.perhaps , in the future, you might consider not posting personal stuff like that.
Enjoy your inbox being flooded !
 
2013-01-07 09:30:21 PM
Time flies so pay attention and don't miss it.
 
2013-01-07 09:30:32 PM
You're unlikely to ever do anything more important. Just sayin'.

Put your kids' psyche/welfare above whatever trivial crap you're going through with their mother.

Don't take it personally, they're all like that.

Don't forget they'll still be your kid when their kid is the age you are now.

Your dad might start getting a lot smarter.
 
2013-01-07 09:30:40 PM
Time to give up the TotalFark.
 
2013-01-07 09:31:11 PM
Start drinking heavily.
 
2013-01-07 09:31:14 PM
 
2013-01-07 09:31:33 PM
Oh, and I'm available for babysitting when she turns 16
 
2013-01-07 09:31:46 PM

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


word is my father found this out the hard way.
 
2013-01-07 09:32:49 PM
Sleep now while you still have the chance.
 
2013-01-07 09:33:08 PM
You about to welcome somebody into this world who shall, for the rest of your days, man more to you than your own life. Be honest, be firm, be kind.
 
2013-01-07 09:33:21 PM
Sleep when the infant, baby, toddler sleeps. It's ok to have a messier-than-usual house for awhile.

/my third is due in two weeks
 
2013-01-07 09:33:28 PM
scottystarnes.files.wordpress.com
 
2013-01-07 09:33:45 PM
mean more... still can't type.
 
2013-01-07 09:34:00 PM
You're going to be a father today? You should get off the PC, go to the Hospital and make sure the wife/babby okay.
 
2013-01-07 09:34:01 PM
Don't ask for advice from childless farkers.
 
2013-01-07 09:34:21 PM
Pull out next time.
 
2013-01-07 09:34:38 PM
For these next however many months left, sleep. For the love of God, sleep.

/sleep
 
2013-01-07 09:34:52 PM
Tell them stories about your childhood every chance you get. Especially stories about when you did something dumb. Get them to understand early that screwing something up isn't the end of the world.
 
2013-01-07 09:34:54 PM
Teach everyday.
 
2013-01-07 09:35:08 PM
imgs.xkcd.com
 
2013-01-07 09:35:48 PM
Condoms.

/too late

Have the tal about condoms.

//too son

Enjoy the ride.

///you bought your ticket.
 
2013-01-07 09:35:56 PM
Get a job.

Keep it.
 
2013-01-07 09:36:17 PM
Run away
 
2013-01-07 09:36:18 PM
Don't put baby in a corner.
 
2013-01-07 09:36:32 PM

sleep lack: [imgs.xkcd.com image 650x214]


kind of a simulpost
sort of
 
2013-01-07 09:36:33 PM

rotsky: During labor and delivery, position yourself in such a way that you can help and support your wife. Do it in such a way that you don't actually see the baby coming out. There's nothing to be seen there that can't be unseen. Trust me.

Wait until the doctors clean everything up.


If it ends up being a C-section, be sure you can see what's going on. There's so much blood everywhere it's AWESOME. By far one of the coolest things I've ever seen. Pulling that baby outta there, tossing the placenta aside. Describing it all to the girlfriend because she can't see beyond the screen. Epic.
 
2013-01-07 09:36:41 PM
Get all the farking sleep you can get now.
fark as much as you can now.
 
2013-01-07 09:36:45 PM
Be patient with yourself as well as your child. You'll both be doing a lot of learning and growing.
 
2013-01-07 09:36:59 PM
Sell it on ebay.
 
2013-01-07 09:37:16 PM
Don't panic.
 
2013-01-07 09:37:35 PM

AdolfOliverPanties: Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.


This, it makes dogfarts smell like fresh baked cookies in comparison.

Other than that, have fun!
 
2013-01-07 09:37:36 PM
Do not set up a facebook for your baby. It makes you look like an asshole.
 
2013-01-07 09:38:16 PM
Should have pulled out.
 
2013-01-07 09:38:21 PM
NOTHING IS MORE STRESS INDUCING THAN THE CONSTANT CRYING OF A BABY.

NO BABY EVER DIED FROM CRYING!

Sorry for yelling, but it drives me nuts to hear of child abuse to infants because a parent lost their head.

Seriously, if the baby is fed and the diaper is dry, put them in the crib and shut the door. Go outside and breath. Give it 5-10 minutes to cry while you calm yourself.

And LOVE LOVE LOVE that baby! They are the best thing in the world.

/father of 6
 
2013-01-07 09:38:34 PM
Oh, and talk to the baby -- a lot. Very good for brain development.
 
2013-01-07 09:38:50 PM
Be a better Dad than your father was.....
 
2013-01-07 09:38:52 PM
Try not to be late with child support - they really don't like that.
 
2013-01-07 09:38:55 PM

rotsky: During labor and delivery, position yourself in such a way that you can help and support your wife. Do it in such a way that you don't actually see the baby coming out. There's nothing to be seen there that can't be unseen. Trust me.

Wait until the doctors clean everything up.


I dunno about this. I can say plenty bad about my ex but he held my hand and snapped pictures during my Csection.
Oh subby - you did this to her. Depending on time of gestation, she may be huge during the summer. Kinda sucks to be you.
 
2013-01-07 09:39:08 PM

SilentStrider: gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.

word is my father found this out the hard way.


My mother mentioned once that, when the doctor weighed my brother as a baby, they had his diaper off and back on in less than a minute. Apparently, something went wrong the first time.
 
2013-01-07 09:40:25 PM
Wait? TFers are reproducing now?

*Preps for the end of the world*
 
2013-01-07 09:40:55 PM
Penis.
 
2013-01-07 09:40:55 PM
Assuming you found out early in the pregnancy....
Buy some Ben and Jerry's or Hagan Dass or whatever the little lady is into. Hide it in the freezer and be able to produce it when the hormone fairy arrives. Yeah... it's an old Robin Willaim's joke but I swear this will save your relationship and maybe your life.
 
2013-01-07 09:41:31 PM
Congrats to you and the Mom - you are both in for a wonderful ride.

It will be all the things above and so much more. There is no instruction manual, no guide book. Everyone has an opinion but you and Mom should decide what YOU two want and to hell with the rest.

Good luck

/due in 4 weeks
//agree with comments about what works for me may not for you
///Seriously agree with the comments about staying near mom and getting sleep now
 
2013-01-07 09:41:34 PM
Don't let the mother of the child get any angrier than necessary.
 
2013-01-07 09:41:51 PM
Run
 
2013-01-07 09:42:00 PM
Bank some sleep.
Bank some more sleep.
 
2013-01-07 09:42:04 PM

Indubitably: Penis.


to penis
 
2013-01-07 09:42:48 PM
Run dude
 
2013-01-07 09:43:11 PM
get a DNA test. She is lying
 
2013-01-07 09:43:47 PM
Kids are not that complicated. Feed them. Change their diapers. Keep them out of traffic. You'll figure it out. Start saving your money. It's expensive but worth it.
 
2013-01-07 09:44:00 PM

cretinbob: Just let it go.
You are the father, not the mother. When the kid farks up, tell him/her. Yelling can get their attention, but keep it to a minimum. Most kids tune that shiat out, but do pay attention to a calm voice.


this
 
2013-01-07 09:44:01 PM
Do not let the kid on an airplane for a few years. The rest of us will thank you in advance.
 
2013-01-07 09:44:05 PM
Here are things I've found that aren't necessarily obvious, but most vitally important:
- Always keep precedents/consistency in mind.  You can't let your kid do something when they're little because it seems cute, and then expect them to stop doing it when they're older.

- People have gone through horrible, horrible childhoods (abuse, loss of parents, etc.) and come out as fairly functional adults.  Don't get worked up thinking you've scarred them for life just because you embarrassed them in front of their friends.

- The above notwithstanding, even doing your best you're almost certainly going to be responsible for some bit of emotional baggage.  We all have some. Get over it.

- You'll miss bath times, hand feeding, and all the other chores when they're too old for it, so enjoy them now.
 
2013-01-07 09:44:08 PM
wwwimage.cbsstatic.com
 
2013-01-07 09:44:56 PM
You will learn to love another human being in a way that far exceeds any love you have for yourself or anyone else. And there will always be a part of you that worries constantly that somehow your child will die before you do, and the notion will frighten you deeper than almost any other feeling that you may ever experience.
 
2013-01-07 09:45:37 PM
No matter what you're facing, never lose your sense of humor. It will save you and your child a lot of heartache.
 
2013-01-07 09:45:42 PM
Dirt is a necessary part of a kids diet and helps build a strong immune system. Hand Sanitizer really isnt doing anyone any favors.

/good thing kids are bouncy
 
2013-01-07 09:46:22 PM
Congrats Subbs,

The best and truest advice i can offer is this;

It is all about your child now.

Everything you do from this point on is all about him or her...

Period.

Everything you do should have your offspring in mind first.

You will never be happier, or sadder, but following this advice, you will never be richer.

Enjoy!
 
2013-01-07 09:46:23 PM
You will always be one ill-advised meth binge away from becoming the subject of a FARK headline for the second time in your life.
 
2013-01-07 09:46:24 PM
Get term life insurance and long term disability insurance tomorrow. If you die, make sure he/she is taken care of. The odds are you'll become disabled instead of dying early. So get disability to take care of the family in case you can't. Oh, and take lots of pictures and periodically go back and look. Not only will you see how far he/she has come, but you'll see how far you have come too. Congratulations.
 
2013-01-07 09:47:29 PM

Atomic Spunk: You will learn to love another human being in a way that far exceeds any love you have for yourself or anyone else. And there will always be a part of you that worries constantly that somehow your child will die before you do, and the notion will frighten you deeper than almost any other feeling that you may ever experience.


Exactly! (new dad here with a 14 month old)
 
2013-01-07 09:47:55 PM
speak softly so they have to pay attention when you say 'Don't make me pull the hammer back, kid...'
 
2013-01-07 09:48:02 PM
Paternity test
 
2013-01-07 09:48:20 PM
People won't admit it, but babies are welcome everywhere. The movies, restaurants, strip clubs.
 
2013-01-07 09:48:26 PM
Don't stick your dick in crazy?

/too soon?
//too late?
 
2013-01-07 09:49:00 PM
Lord loves a workin' man. Don't trust whitey. Get a shot and get rid of it.
 
2013-01-07 09:49:36 PM
I got that news in August. My farking crazy biatch ex-fiance ran away to another state and got an abortion at week 15. I hope you have a better experience than I did.
 
2013-01-07 09:50:12 PM
When it comes to discipline, never count to 3. Just chuck their toy in the trash, or turn off their computer or do whatever you're going to do. Once the kid learns that correction is stern and comes without warning, they behave much better. And above all else, do it without getting angry, because it's not personal, it's just responsible parenting. If it's not personal, they will accept it and not fight it.

Also, there is no aspect of parenting that can't be helped by a glass of wine. Sometimes two.
 
2013-01-07 09:50:27 PM
Plastics.
 
2013-01-07 09:50:57 PM
Always have three bottles of formula/breast milk ready in the fridge. Putting those things together in the dark at 3am can get very messy. Grabbing a pre-made version out of the fridge is easy.

Arrange your changing table to where you know where everything is with your eyes closed. Because at 3am, they will often be half-closed.

Steel your mind that the first two months will suck. After that, when they start sleeping ~5 hours at a time at night, the next two months will suck slightly less. Once they start sleeping 7 hours at a time, life will start kind of getting back to normal.

From about 8-20 months is just nirvana - it's great seeing them develop right in front of your eyes.

As a dear friend said to me, "You spend the first two years of their life getting them to walk and talk and the next 20 wishing they'd sit down and shut up." :)

Good luck, sir - it's been a fun ride for us so far.
 
2013-01-07 09:51:20 PM
You are going to learn that your folks were not entirely crazy. You are going to learn the value of naps. You are going to learn a lot of things that you've forgotten. The journey is going to be a fun ride.
 
2013-01-07 09:51:26 PM
Some animals eat their young. By the end of your child's 18th year, you have complete understanding. Which is nice.
 
2013-01-07 09:52:12 PM
There's a 50% chance you're going to end up paying your wife a hell of a lot more than is required to care for your child. Good luck.

/assumptions
 
2013-01-07 09:52:52 PM
Congrats on the pending loin fruit. Don't sweat the small stuff, pick your battles, and never microwave a bottle with the nipple attached. It's funny, but messy.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:02 PM
It takes time to bond with your infant. Won't happen overnight. I didn't like my oldest daughter much until she was 4 months old. It's normal. Don't sweat it.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:05 PM
Can't figure out HTML on the mobile app but this article is super important so you don't go mad reading to your child:

http://m.deadspin.com/5889376/if-you-give-a-mouse-a-cookie-youre-fark e d-10-tips-for-avoiding-terrible-childrens-books

Oh and scheduling our kids sleep (Baby Wise) was the best. She slept through the night at 8 weeks.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:26 PM
Not gonna sugar coat it - at first it's hell. Of course there's those precious Hallmark moments, but for the most part its piss, shiat, puke, slimy baby food everywhere, quick nap, repeat. So its a lot like a weekend with your mom.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:42 PM
Read to the baby as often as possible. Doesn't matter what. It could be blogs or car-repair manuals or whatever, so long as you're reading to them.

And avoid convertible automobiles.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:44 PM
Congrats subs. My wife and I found out three weeks ago that she is pregnant.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:45 PM
I have six kids. I still don't know a farking thing. Only advice I can give you is get all the sleep you can now.

And congrats!
 
2013-01-07 09:53:52 PM
Don't think that your parents or grandparents were all-wise when it came to raising their children. They were just winging it. That's what you'll be doing, too.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:54 PM
They're all cute 'n stuff until they wreck the car.
 
2013-01-07 09:54:43 PM
Give your baby a goddamn reasonable name. I can forgive everything else, but baby "Spatula" isnt going to cut it.
 
2013-01-07 09:55:23 PM
Just say you're going out to get a pack of smokes.
 
2013-01-07 09:55:56 PM
From Patton Oswalt's first album, The Most Amazing Father (NSFW language).
 
2013-01-07 09:56:01 PM

Majick Thise: Have ONE and ONLY ONE child.

Seriously.. If you have one it's a fun hobby. Work yeah but good work.

BUT the work load when you add a second kid doesn't just double.. oh no. It increases by an order of magnitude. Let's use the term 'work unit' as a measure of the work you do when having a child. If a single child is 10 work units a day, two children are 75 work units a day..

No one ever listens to me on this, maybe you will be the first.


OMG yes! Whenever I'm playing my Sim family, it takes forever to get stuff done with more than one kid. Usually I'll send them away to boarding school once they're old enough.
 
2013-01-07 09:56:05 PM
Never play "Flying Baby" within an hour of feeding time.
 
2013-01-07 09:56:16 PM

azmoviez: Can't figure out HTML on the mobile app but this article is super important so you don't go mad reading to your child:

http://m.deadspin.com/5889376/if-you-give-a-mouse-a-cookie-youre-fark e d-10-tips-for-avoiding-terrible-childrens-books

Oh and scheduling our kids sleep (Baby Wise) was the best. She slept through the night at 8 weeks.


Damn filter. Will post working link soon.
 
2013-01-07 09:56:17 PM
Don't panic, stock up on booze, Sleep as much as you can now.

/Congrats.
 
2013-01-07 09:56:40 PM
Write your congressman and make sure they are on board with 40th trimester abortions

/works with sitting presidents
 
2013-01-07 09:57:15 PM
Leave the fresh new diaper open longer than it seems necessary, or you will have to change again.
Don't sweat the details.
When he/she turns 18 get a hot tub and encourage nude parties at your place.
 
2013-01-07 09:57:15 PM
indianapublicmedia.org
 
2013-01-07 09:57:20 PM
Sell 'em on Ebay while they're still cute!! Either that or keep them but harvest their organs before they turn 18.
 
2013-01-07 09:57:33 PM
Serious response here. 1. Plenty of physical contact when the child is small. 2. Tell the child that you love him/her often. 3. Always look the child in the eye when conversing. This will require you to squat down frequently. 4. Treat the child with the same level of respect that you would like to receive from anyone you meet. 5. Always give them a choice i.e. shower or bath tonight? or do you want to brush your teeth during the commercial or at the end of the program. You'll get what you want and they will learn good habits.

tl;dr hold them a lot and tell them you love them.

I am 2 for 2 with this approach as a single (widower) dad. Congratulations and enjoy!
 
2013-01-07 09:58:05 PM
Your children are never too young to learn about disappointment.
 
2013-01-07 09:58:59 PM
Try anal next time.

/I keed
//congrats
 
2013-01-07 09:59:02 PM

Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.


I get that everyday when I pick my kid at the daycare... Best. Feeling. Ever.
 
2013-01-07 09:59:08 PM

Flatulent_Flea: They're all cute 'n stuff until they wreck the car.


*That* is why I never let babies drive my car. Their depth perception and basic motor skills are poor.
 
2013-01-07 09:59:30 PM
Use it as an attempt to get attention in a news aggregate discussion thread.
 
2013-01-07 09:59:34 PM
Remember to check the water temp before bathing the little twerp. No one likes a flesh peeling baby! Unless you do you sick bastard o.O
 
2013-01-07 09:59:52 PM

Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.


I only get to see my kids twice a week. If I were a chick, your post would make me start lactating...

/love my kids
/best thing ever
/no, really
 
2013-01-07 10:00:11 PM

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


My daughter was able to do the same thing. We used to do what we called "priming the pump": we curled her legs up into her abdomen a few times to push help empty the bladder. Worked great.

My advice to the soon to-be dad: don't sweat the small stuff. Seriously.

/Wife is eight weeks along with number 2
 
2013-01-07 10:00:21 PM
img.photobucket.com
img.photobucket.com
 
2013-01-07 10:00:59 PM

jpo2269: Your children are never too young to learn about disappointment.


Or too old to review the lessons.
 
2013-01-07 10:01:11 PM
Don't sell it to the first guy who comes along. Play the market a bit, wait for the right offer. People will pay a lot for a white kid, so don't let them nickle and dime you about little nicks and scratches.
 
2013-01-07 10:01:19 PM
Prepare for the next 15 years to fly by like they never happened.
Take lots of photos and video. Do video interviews when nobody is watching and hide them away. They will be priceless in the future.

You can never say "I love you" too much!
 
2013-01-07 10:01:36 PM
She can't get any more pregnant; shag while you can. Sleep a lot. Like to travel? Get it out of your system before you two get stuck. Do not shoot medicine down the baby's throat with a syringe, unless you enjoy volcanoes of puke.
 
2013-01-07 10:02:02 PM
Having a kid is an important step, sure. Just remember that it's infinitely more important to you than it is to us.
 
2013-01-07 10:02:22 PM
Vasectomy so accidents don't happen again.
 
2013-01-07 10:03:03 PM
Talk with the wife about parenting styles so you know before what you want. Cry it out or not? Attachment parenting? Spanking or not?

Once you two know what you want, then do your thing, and humor all the "experts" who will try to tell you what to do. They mean well, but it'll get old.

Don't spend all your time comparing your kid to others. They all grow differently.

Read a book about how the pregnancy will affect your wife. Hormones are a crazy thing, and if you understand now what to expect, things will go so much better for you.

I have a son about to turn 3 and a baby due this month. Being a father is the greatest joy imaginable, so have fun with it. Feel free to be as goofy as you want. Play hard, they won't break. Have a schedule, and break it just often enough so that when you do its special.
 
2013-01-07 10:03:09 PM

Clarence Beeks: Always have three bottles of formula/breast milk ready in the fridge. Putting those things together in the dark at 3am can get very messy. Grabbing a pre-made version out of the fridge is easy.


This is why tits were made.
 
2013-01-07 10:03:11 PM
1 medium baby
3 shallots, finely minced
1 cup sherry
4 cloves garlic, peeled and smashed
6 strips of bacon
lemon and thyme to taste
 
2013-01-07 10:03:54 PM
Sleep. A lot. You won't sleep right until your youngest is 5 1/2.*

*Your results may vary
 
2013-01-07 10:05:12 PM

rotsky: During labor and delivery, position yourself in such a way that you can help and support your wife. Do it in such a way that you don't actually see the baby coming out. There's nothing to be seen there that can't be unseen. Trust me.

Wait until the doctors clean everything up.


Oh,and this
 
2013-01-07 10:05:31 PM
They are always cute when little, so was Hitler.
 
2013-01-07 10:05:44 PM
I'm a father of a 9 month old boy.

All I can say is sleep now. Sleep often and enjoy your free time like you've been sentenced to death.

Seriously the best thing that's ever happened to me though.
 
2013-01-07 10:06:07 PM
Stock up on paperback books, and get a rocking chair. You're going to be doing a lot of one-handed reading at 2 AM.
 
2013-01-07 10:06:13 PM
start secretly saving money for a lawyer, or college fund if divorce never occurs; luck and wishes will not help you now
 
2013-01-07 10:06:36 PM
Don't let the kid sleep in the bed with you. You'll have a hell of a time getting them not to later.
If they bite you, don't bite them back, that doesn't help the matter.
Test out the different diaper brands before committing. NEVER buy Luvs, you may as well wrap them in a Kleenex.
An iPod touch is a sanity saver at the store or doctor's office.
Don't buy too many clothes in one size as they'll grow out of them before they can wear them all....that goes for shoes too.
Wipes warmers are awesome for those middle of the night changes, much less firehosing.

/I know there's more but that'll do for now
 
2013-01-07 10:06:39 PM
Take up drinking, preferably hard liquor like bourbon or scotch. If already do, double your daily dose. You kid will automatically have a reason to hate you and when you quit later you have a reason to get back in their life.

Then you can go out drinking with them...
 
2013-01-07 10:07:06 PM
Don't join a cult that molests yer kid.
 
2013-01-07 10:07:23 PM
Always ask yourself this question before doing something... Will my actions get me a call from the local news or a daytime talk show...

If the answer is "yes", don't do it!
 
2013-01-07 10:07:30 PM
Kill yourself
 
2013-01-07 10:07:53 PM

Atomic Spunk: You will learn to love another human being in a way that far exceeds any love you have for yourself or anyone else. And there will always be a part of you that worries constantly that somehow your child will die before you do, and the notion will frighten you deeper than almost any other feeling that you may ever experience.


Get out of my head.
 
2013-01-07 10:08:07 PM
Screw your still-beautiful wife/girlfriend every damn day while you can because she will never, ever, be the same again.

What has been seen cannot be unseen and what has been stretched will never snap back:
Click, but eye-bleach recommended
 
2013-01-07 10:08:27 PM
Don't worry about a thing. I was stolen by wolves and raised in a cave and I turned out just fine.

Just fine.
 
2013-01-07 10:08:31 PM
www.sproutsanfrancisco.com

This book will save your life, or at least your sanity.
 
2013-01-07 10:08:51 PM
i172.photobucket.com
 
2013-01-07 10:09:06 PM
Hold him/her every day as much/often as you can.
 
2013-01-07 10:09:42 PM
Mec is really gross (it's the first stuff they poop out), but don't worry, it will turn into real poop in a couple of days, and that will be really gross as well. Don't worry you'll get used to it. You will get used to a lot of really gross disgusting things. Honest. Also, as your child gets older and you talk to other parents and you think to yourself, "Wow, their kids are way better than mine. Their kids don't get into trouble and they do their homework without being hounded and they're polite and great at math blah blah blah. I'm a bad parent." DON'T BELIEVE THEM! NONE OF THEM ARE TELLING THE TRUTH! THEIR KIDS ARE JUST AS SCREWED UP AS YOURS!
And by that I mean normal.
 
2013-01-07 10:10:13 PM
Fatherhood is the best thing in the world. You will forever be loved and love another.

Schedule, schedule schedule. Keep the baby on a schedule - feeding, sleeping, resting, It may seem anal, but it pays off huge dividends as they grow up, It makes them better adjusted and healthier.

Also, don't let the breastfeeding nazis get to you. If you decide not to breastfeed, you are not a horrible parent and your kid will not grow up tarded. Formula fed babies do just fine. Breastfeeding is better, that is true, but some women have trouble with it. It is okay to try, fail, and switch to formula.

Good luck!
 
2013-01-07 10:10:17 PM
Congratulations!

My advice: You will want to take lots of pictures and videos. That's fine. But be sure to put the camera down and just be in the moment too.
 
2013-01-07 10:10:24 PM
if you dont like suprises, keep your mouth closed around your toddler
 
2013-01-07 10:10:39 PM
Chaining the kid to a radiator is like fight club....never talk about it.
 
2013-01-07 10:10:43 PM
One piece of advice my friend gave me was: don't be too quiet around the baby.  They were quiet around their first kid and she woke up at the drop of a pin.  So I took this advice and  mine could sleep through everything, like his second daughter.

The weird item I was happy I eventually bought but would have liked to have from the start:  Get a mirror that attaches to the back seat headrest and reflects to the front mirror, some have lights and music too.  In my state for the first year, the baby must face the rear, and be in the back seat.  New parents are naturally paranoid, but it is great to be able to know at a glance if they are sleeping or what they are up to.

Don't sweat the germs, it helps build the immune system; antiseptic children may have more allergies and illnesses.  (This is a theory with high correlation, but still only a theory.)
 
2013-01-07 10:10:44 PM

det0321: Serious response here. 1. Plenty of physical contact when the child is small. 2. Tell the child that you love him/her often. 3. Always look the child in the eye when conversing. This will require you to squat down frequently. 4. Treat the child with the same level of respect that you would like to receive from anyone you meet. 5. Always give them a choice i.e. shower or bath tonight? or do you want to brush your teeth during the commercial or at the end of the program. You'll get what you want and they will learn good habits.

tl;dr hold them a lot and tell them you love them.

I am 2 for 2 with this approach as a single (widower) dad. Congratulations and enjoy!


Other than all the sappy and hilarious advice, this is the best. #5 is the cardinal rule for avoiding 'NO!'
 
2013-01-07 10:10:55 PM
1. Don't worry about making mistakes... kids are tough and enormously forgiving.
2. Hold them, love them, and play with them.
3. Have fun, be silly, and laugh with them.
4. Teach them the things that you ended up having to learn the hard way (and as much as you can).
5. Be fair, but firm.
6. Learn from them... while you have a lot to teach them, they have a lot to teach you about yourself.
7. Get used to gross stuff... there will be plenty of it to clean up.
8. Give them rules to follow and enforce those rules (don't be a pushover).
9. If the baby is screaming and crying and you feel yourself tensing up from the stress, put the baby in it's crib for a little while and walk away... this is more important than most people realize.
10. Let them make mistakes... then help them to understand their mistakes.
11. Teach them to cook... someday they'll be on their own and they're going to need to know how.
12. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you make along the way.

There is plenty else you'll figure out along the way... but as a father of three, that's my advice.

Oh yeah... as for the birthing... See what you can do about finding an excellent midwife instead of relying on doctors. They're WAY WAY better for uncomplicated/healthy birthing in my opinion.
 
2013-01-07 10:11:04 PM
Sleep fast.
 
2013-01-07 10:11:09 PM
Right there with you, subby. We're due July 4th.

*fistbump*

pick their fark handle now
 
2013-01-07 10:12:09 PM
Patience... and Mama is queen... always.
 
2013-01-07 10:12:48 PM
Your baby mama will be "nesting" around 6-7 months. don't push back on that shiat, or you will suffer severely.
 
2013-01-07 10:13:24 PM
As soon as you can, lay him/her down on a small blanket and outline them with magic marker with the date. Mine's 9yr old now and looking at that together is an amazing thing.
 
2013-01-07 10:13:38 PM
Congrats subs!
You are going to be objectively right an awful lot of times over the next 7 or 8 months. Know that in your head but admit you are wrong every time.
 
2013-01-07 10:13:46 PM

Tatt2wand: Mec is really gross (it's the first stuff they poop out), but don't worry, it will turn into real poop in a couple of days, and that will be really gross as well. Don't worry you'll get used to it. You will get used to a lot of really gross disgusting things. Honest. Also, as your child gets older and you talk to other parents and you think to yourself, "Wow, their kids are way better than mine. Their kids don't get into trouble and they do their homework without being hounded and they're polite and great at math blah blah blah. I'm a bad parent." DON'T BELIEVE THEM! NONE OF THEM ARE TELLING THE TRUTH! THEIR KIDS ARE JUST AS SCREWED UP AS YOURS!
And by that I mean normal.


When you have vomit running down the front of you, and poop running down the back of you, that's one of those parenting moments we call "Tuesday". :-)
 
2013-01-07 10:14:11 PM
don't be abnormally quiet when the baby sleeps. Vacuum, watch tv, whatever. Once you condition them to need quiet you will tiptoe around the house for 4 years.
 
2013-01-07 10:14:27 PM
I believe all we've learned today is that your wife is pregnant. I'm not prepared to jump to any further conclusions.

/'grats subs
 
2013-01-07 10:14:51 PM
oh, and whatever you do, don't eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. You can literally buy a case of them to replace it and it won't be the same because she wanted THAT Almond Joy Easter Egg.

/true story
 
2013-01-07 10:15:02 PM
Adam Baldwin was an extra in a Stargate SG-1 episode, and he had a lot to say about having kids.
Video
 
2013-01-07 10:15:04 PM
Duct tape. Congratulations!!
 
2013-01-07 10:15:33 PM

dramboxf: Keep her off the pole.


This.

And make sure any guy she talks to knows that you have no problem going back to prison.
 
2013-01-07 10:15:33 PM
Enjoy every moment.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
Share the responsibilities of parenthood and child maintenance with your SO. I know a guy who said, "I never changed my kids' diapers because I was never any good at it." Bullshiat. You're the dad. It's your job to GET good at it.
Remember how they look when they're bald, have no teeth and are covered in drool. If you're like me, you'll long for the simplicity of those days as they grow.
You can never love your own child too much.
Don't make excuses for your own behavior as a parent based on what was done to you during your childhood. My dad was an alcoholic. My mom used to beat me, and once got so mad at me she threw an ironing board at my head. And I have chosen to take those experiences and make them an example of what *not* to do as a parent.
You can either make excuses or make progress. Make progress.
Talk to your baby. Cuddle her. Kiss her belly. Nuzzle her. Babies become toddlers who become kids that eventually reach an age where they no longer want to be touched by you. Soak it all up now.
Be silly. Play with your baby. Instill a self-deprecating sense of humor in her as she grows. A child that can laugh at herself is rarely laughed at by others.
Don't spend every moment behind the camera. Save some of those wonderful moments for yourself, and allow yourself to be as present as you possibly can. Life is better when it's experienced face-to-face rather than seen through a 2.5" screen.
Enjoy all that is to come. I envy all the amazement that you will experience.
I truly wish you and your family the very, very best.
 
2013-01-07 10:16:04 PM
www.wired.com
 
2013-01-07 10:16:47 PM
If she chooses to go to a hospital, and she has a plan for how she wants things to happen, you stick up for her and don't cave in to the staff, and ask her to make a "nice gesture".  They also expect things to go a certain way, and don't like to be told otherwise.

/still bitter almost 16 years later
 
2013-01-07 10:16:53 PM
An iPod touch in a otter box at the age of 3 is amazing.

Great tool for learning. Use 2-3 times a week as a reward for being good.cousin has this set up and the kid patiently asks when getting a chore done to read a book with animations on the iPod touch. An old smart phone may be capable of doing the same.

It's awesome to see them read and wonder, but also learn how to love technology.

Not an Apple fanboy, but just observing the fact that the device is a great learning tool.
 
2013-01-07 10:17:07 PM
Best parenting advice I ever received: Don't take parenting advice from anyone.
 
2013-01-07 10:17:29 PM
1. Buy these aden + anais swaddle blankets

2. Babby cries. Sometimes just to cry. If they are fed, clean, not hot, not cold. It is OK to step outside for 5-10 minutes and let them cry. This is highly contested and you will hear arguments for both sides. Only you know your babby.

3. Hormones are still driving the wife's actions even after babby is born

4. BED TIME ROUTINE

5. BED TIME ROUTINE

6. BED TIME ROUTINE

20 month old. Slept through the night from 8 weeks on. Goes to bed now at 7:30pm and gets up at 6:45am. Every weekday. On the weekends she lets us sleep until 8am.
 
2013-01-07 10:17:35 PM
Hm. I'd suggest you keep a closer eye on your missus the next time.

zing!
 
2013-01-07 10:17:55 PM

Rev.K: Sleep. Sleep now because you will never again know the luxury of going to bed whenever you want.


When my first one came along, a friend advised me to get used to being tired... for the next 18 years.
 
2013-01-07 10:18:26 PM
Sage Advice:

sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net

/Hotlinked like a mofo.
 
2013-01-07 10:18:31 PM
Abort! Abort! Abort!
 
2013-01-07 10:18:34 PM

skullkrusher: oh, and whatever you do, don't eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. You can literally buy a case of them to replace it and it won't be the same because she wanted THAT Almond Joy Easter Egg.

/true story


Eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. Teach them that you don't always get what you want.
 
2013-01-07 10:19:13 PM
Don't get married because of this.

Don't have another kid right away because of this.

I am not married nor have ever been, and I only have one child. We aren't getting married and we are not together.

That's all, really.
 
2013-01-07 10:20:01 PM

Blushing Wall Flower: sarahthustra: give the kid  name that doesn't suck.

I like the name Garth.


Garp? What kind of name is Garp?
 
2013-01-07 10:20:15 PM
Just wait until they are six and yell at you from the top of the stairs "I hate you and hope you die. But first can you drive me to the mall?"
 
2013-01-07 10:20:34 PM
Buy a Diaper Genie II.
 
2013-01-07 10:20:45 PM

Mr. Murder: /subby


Congrats! IANAParent, but from what I hear, you'd better enjoy sleeping now because after the kid is born, it's going to be tough getting a good night's sleep for a while.
 
2013-01-07 10:20:55 PM
Watch your cornhole...

Oh wait that's prison. Sorry, I got nothing.
 
2013-01-07 10:21:14 PM
Best reading advice ever.  Read daily to your child.  Read smart.
If You Give A Mouse a Cookie You're Farked.
 
2013-01-07 10:21:40 PM
This is the advice my Dad gave my brother and me... "Dogs and kids (he also added women to the list shortly after the divorce)- nothin' but trouble..."

The older I get, the truer it becomes, haha!

Congrats, and may the journey go as smoothly as possible! There will be bumps, try not to stress out about 'em too much. Best of luck to you and your family!
 
2013-01-07 10:22:42 PM
I can't add any sage 'advice' per se, but you should definitely add some to the umbilical cord stump prior to smelling and subsequently making a soup from it.
 
2013-01-07 10:23:17 PM
stagevu.com
but seriously, congrats, dude. hmmm, my one piece of advice.... oh yeah, your kid will have ESP and know exactly at the precise nanosecond you're starting to relax. be prepared for that.
 
2013-01-07 10:23:27 PM
Reassure, her. Tell her you are going to meditate on the situation for (hours, days) in order to properly react to the good news. Say that your emotions need to catch up to reality and that this is a normal response to sudden, life changing information. Explain that you are not going to abandon her and that all you need is to contemplate the new facts about your life.

Then get a pet sitter if you have a pet, leave your phone at home. Take a week off of work and rent a hotel room at a nice hotel and get really hammered. Locking the door so you don't leave or invite anyone in. Spend those last few days by yourself and resist the temptation to communicate with anyone. This will be the last truly personal time you will have for the rest of your life.
 
2013-01-07 10:23:41 PM
Are you sure it's hers?


As for advice, sleep when the kid sleeps.
 
2013-01-07 10:24:06 PM
On having kids.
Your life, as you know it, is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk, and... and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most... delightful people... you will ever meet in your life.

Bill Murray in Lost in Translation.
 
2013-01-07 10:24:08 PM
Always... no, no... never... forget to check your references.
 
2013-01-07 10:24:39 PM
Teach it that the value of profits is greater than the value of wages.
 
2013-01-07 10:24:42 PM
spend little time on fark, facebook or anywhere else online. take plenty of photos and videos, enjoy the mother and the child.
 
2013-01-07 10:24:50 PM

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


And tuck it down, or the pee will just spout out the top of the diaper.
 
2013-01-07 10:25:49 PM
Congrats, your life has changed and will never be the same. Life will be You have difficult, more scary than ever before. But, it will also be fooled with more live and emotion than you have ever known. As frustrating and difficult as being a father gas been at times, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

  I am the father of two and step-father of for. The best advice I can give you is do what you say you are going to do. If you sold your child and put in place a punishment, follow through to the letter. A child who knows you won't follow through, will never listen to you. Also don't be afraid to say no. Teach you kid that they don't need everything in life, that sometimes they have to wait.

 As your kid gets older TEACH him or her. Don't just let them hold the flashlight and hand you tools, let them tighten the screw or put that new purchase together under your supervision. You won't believe how much more confident they will become knowing that they can do something. And the bonding experience is priceless.

Once again, congrats. You are officially the luckiest person on the planet!
 
2013-01-07 10:25:55 PM

Clarence Beeks: Always have three bottles of formula/breast milk ready in the fridge. Putting those things together in the dark at 3am can get very messy. Grabbing a pre-made version out of the fridge is easy.

Arrange your changing table to where you know where everything is with your eyes closed. Because at 3am, they will often be half-closed.

Steel your mind that the first two months will suck. After that, when they start sleeping ~5 hours at a time at night, the next two months will suck slightly less. Once they start sleeping 7 hours at a time, life will start kind of getting back to normal.

From about 8-20 months is just nirvana - it's great seeing them develop right in front of your eyes.

As a dear friend said to me, "You spend the first two years of their life getting them to walk and talk and the next 20 wishing they'd sit down and shut up." :)

Good luck, sir - it's been a fun ride for us so far.


The thing about pre-flighting the milk in the fridge is SO true. I once got up, poured some breast milk into a bottle, brought it into the baby and collapsed into bed. I held the bottle so he could tip it up to his mouth...and in my sleep-induced stupor, I had forgotten to screw the nipple and cap back onto the bottle. Poor baby was drenched in milk. Guess who had to get up, change the baby, wash the baby, change the bedding, start some laundry at 3am...
 
2013-01-07 10:25:55 PM
http://static.quickmeme.com/media/social/qm.gif
 
2013-01-07 10:26:04 PM
Diaper Genie.

Seriously, you'll wonder how you ever lived without one.
 
2013-01-07 10:27:36 PM
Congratulations. You're probably not going to get much sleep for the next few weeks so stock up on coffee.
 
2013-01-07 10:28:13 PM
Don't let your stepbrother raise him/her on some desert shiathole. That will only end badly.

i3.mirror.co.uk
 
2013-01-07 10:28:17 PM
Now that you are going to be a father, from one father to the other, I can only offer you one piece of advice that will do you the most good:

farm6.static.flickr.com
Two is exponentially more difficult than one.
 
2013-01-07 10:28:19 PM
Sleep NOW! www.traemcneely.com
 
2013-01-07 10:29:12 PM
Don't treat your kid(s) like they're idiots.
 
2013-01-07 10:29:25 PM
Book recommendations:
upload.wikimedia.org
It's fuzzy! :D
upload.wikimedia.org
(it is required to read this in the voice of Christopher Walken, btw)
and for you, this gem:
upload.wikimedia.org
I got this one for myself as a joke to read to my youngest (now 9). He receives energy from the air or something because when I crash at 11:30-12:00 he's still awake even though his bedtime is 8:30.
 
2013-01-07 10:29:59 PM

Donnchadha: skullkrusher: oh, and whatever you do, don't eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. You can literally buy a case of them to replace it and it won't be the same because she wanted THAT Almond Joy Easter Egg.

/true story

Eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. Teach them that you don't always get what you want.


I was talking about wifey, not the kids.
Don't fark with wifey when she's preggo
 
2013-01-07 10:30:03 PM
When you get the kid home, turn on the radio or tv at a normal volume so they get used to background noise.
My kids will sleep through anything.
 
2013-01-07 10:30:31 PM
...fate and events willing? remember you "rent" children. as they are growing and getting ready
to fly the nest don't forget your wife....the one you married before you were parents

...i have 20 years into my "baby" - it will pass faster than you will ever credit - congrats :)
 
2013-01-07 10:30:44 PM
1.) Hoping you're married to/cohabiting with the mother, my main advice is to prepare HARDCORE for the first three months. Everything goes much, much better if you have a cooperative plan for that time period and execute it from the start.

2.) On the same lines, DO NOT be afraid to incorporate your in-laws in that plan if they and your wife are willing. Few of us are big fans of the mother-in-law, but having her around is a calming influence and valuable learning tool for your wife if they have a good relationship. If you absolutely cannot handle her then have her around when you are at work or, if you take time off too, use that time to go shopping for baby supplies/groceries/whatever else is plausibly necessary and allows you to leave the house.

3.) Expect absolutely nothing of your partner for the next 6 months-1 year. Giving birth wipes women's brain clean. She will leave stuff in weird places, forget what day it is, get behind on her share of the chores, etc. Mommy Brain is real and near-universal and you need to be understanding and tolerant.

4.) Expect less than nothing from your partner for 6 weeks after delivery. She just had her vagina torn open, possibly had her taint cut off during delivery, lost tons of blood, lost tons of female hormones, and is adjusting to a little thing that can only communicate in screams suckling at her bewbs every two hours. She'll get back to the sexy sex. Trust me.

5.) Make normal household noise while your infant sleeps. If people are over, talk at normal volumes. Watch TV at NORMAL volumes. Walk around, clean, etc. At this point s/he is going to sleep anyway because when you've been floating in goo for nine months just being awake is exhausting enough. Get him/her used to sleeping through normal noise now and s/he'll be able to do the same when being awake becomes more interesting at around the 4-6 month mark--and likely thereafter.

6.) That thing I said about talking if people come over? Tell people NOW not to come over. Except for grandparents, people aren't coming over to help. They're coming over to see the widdle biddy bubba baby bumper and that's it. And the only people you need over right now, are people who will help in other ways too, like washing dishes/bottles or bringing food.

7.) Tell grandparents NOW that when they visit early on, you really need them to help DO things other than holdthe widdle biddy bubba baby bumper. If they get pissy then they become subject to Rule 6 because they are just stereotypical Baby Boomers and not real grandparents.

8.) YOU CAN'T "SPOIL" AN INFANT." An infant is a helpless little creature that depends on your for every physical and emotional need. When an infant cries there is a REASON and it is your duty to address it. Discipline and spoilation starts when your child can meet a particular need on its own, or when it whines over non-needs (e.g. "THAT toy, not this one"). You will know that time when it comes. For now, lots of holding/cuddling, and when it cries immediately check the diaper, then offer the bottle, then rock a while and put to bed. That covers about all the needs and thus all your necessary reactions.

9.) Chronicle everything. You may feel like you're taking too many pics, but you will never complain about HAVING too many pics.

10.) CONGRATULATIONS! Babies are GOOD THINGS despite the protestations of probably 200 of the 220+ comments I didn't even bother to read before I posted.
 
2013-01-07 10:31:11 PM
kill it with fire.
 
2013-01-07 10:32:02 PM
Pregnant sex. It's great.

Also, parenthood is fark'n tough. Fun as hell, though. Good luck.

/pregnant sex
 
2013-01-07 10:32:14 PM

OBBN: Congrats, your life has changed and will never be the same. Life will be You have difficult, more scary than ever before. But, it will also be fooled with more live and emotion than you have ever known. As frustrating and difficult as being a father gas been at times, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

  I am the father of two and step-father of for. The best advice I can give you is do what you say you are going to do. If you sold your child and put in place a punishment, follow through to the letter. A child who knows you won't follow through, will never listen to you. Also don't be afraid to say no. Teach you kid that they don't need everything in life, that sometimes they have to wait.

 As your kid gets older TEACH him or her. Don't just let them hold the flashlight and hand you tools, let them tighten the screw or put that new purchase together under your supervision. You won't believe how much more confident they will become knowing that they can do something. And the bonding experience is priceless.

Once again, congrats. You are officially the luckiest person on the planet!


Argggggggggggg crap, stupid auto correct and Swype typing. I won't try to correct it, you will get the gist of it.
 
2013-01-07 10:32:43 PM

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


/Or don't, 'cause it's hilarious, and you'll maybe be needing that memory when he dents up your Dodge.
 
2013-01-07 10:32:46 PM
Keep them away from the nude Olympics in Australia.
 
2013-01-07 10:34:06 PM
Never, ever, ever hit your kid. Seriously, kill yourself first. You'll do a lot less damage.
 
2013-01-07 10:34:39 PM
Be prepared to be amazed, constantly.

Cuddle, Snuggle, Hold, your baby from day 1, don't worry you won't break it.

If the baby is breastfed, do not hold with out a shirt if you are a man, it hurts like hell (how did my wife deal with that?) and they scream bloody murder when no milk comes out.

Read to your child as often as possible

Get a jogging stroller and/or a bicycle trailer, you will not have much exercise time but these will but the child to sleep, give your partner a break, get you healthy, and get you out of the house.
 
2013-01-07 10:34:42 PM
Baby girl: Wipe from front to back.
Baby boy: Put a towel over his penis while changing diapers.
Breast fed baby poop doesn't smell bad.
 
2013-01-07 10:34:53 PM
Kids can't see beyond their own needs. So they'll act like little selfish assholes, try not to let it get to you.
 
2013-01-07 10:35:07 PM
1. Stop at one kid so the planet doesn't blow up and you and the Mrs. don't have to play zone defense.
2. Enjoy every minute - it goes by so very fast.
 
2013-01-07 10:35:15 PM
My son is 7 months old. We had a few rough weeks early on and I didn't get any photos of him in that timeframe. I can't get that time back, take photos and video when things are going rough.
 
2013-01-07 10:36:06 PM
Pregnant women don't "glow". Pregnant women fart a lot. Pregnant sex is disgusting. Lactation is not erotic in the least. You are not going to get more than 4 hours sleep per night for the next 4 years. Other than that it is great.
 
2013-01-07 10:36:13 PM
At first they're kinda like crummy parasites that keep you up all night and can't even focus on your face. You just have to trust it'll get better when they start to get interactive.

Then they smile back at you and then laugh and eventually talk, and you totally forget how you kinda didn't like this little thing at first. And you tell people all about how being a parent is amazing, leaving out that it wasn't like that immediately.
 
2013-01-07 10:36:56 PM

TrixieDelite: Clarence Beeks: Always have three bottles of formula/breast milk ready in the fridge. Putting those things together in the dark at 3am can get very messy. Grabbing a pre-made version out of the fridge is easy.

Arrange your changing table to where you know where everything is with your eyes closed. Because at 3am, they will often be half-closed.

Steel your mind that the first two months will suck. After that, when they start sleeping ~5 hours at a time at night, the next two months will suck slightly less. Once they start sleeping 7 hours at a time, life will start kind of getting back to normal.

From about 8-20 months is just nirvana - it's great seeing them develop right in front of your eyes.

As a dear friend said to me, "You spend the first two years of their life getting them to walk and talk and the next 20 wishing they'd sit down and shut up." :)

Good luck, sir - it's been a fun ride for us so far.

The thing about pre-flighting the milk in the fridge is SO true. I once got up, poured some breast milk into a bottle, brought it into the baby and collapsed into bed. I held the bottle so he could tip it up to his mouth...and in my sleep-induced stupor, I had forgotten to screw the nipple and cap back onto the bottle. Poor baby was drenched in milk. Guess who had to get up, change the baby, wash the baby, change the bedding, start some laundry at 3am...


Breast-feeding usually solves this.
 
2013-01-07 10:37:20 PM

Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.


Spelling class?
 
2013-01-07 10:38:16 PM
This is advice for both you and your wife. It is your job as a unit to see to your child's needs. It is your job as husband to see to your wife's needs and her job to see to yours. Don't get so caught up in baby that you lose sight of one another. I've seen it happen so many times where one parent or the other becomes "all about the baby" and it causes resentment from the spouse. I remember as a kid, my dad would come home from work. I could be there at the door to greet him, he would come in smile tell me he'd love to hear about my day in just a minute and then go find my mom to kiss her hello. These things stick with a kid, and knowing that mommy and daddy are still in love is very very good.
 
2013-01-07 10:38:33 PM
My lady is 15 weeks today. All I can say is embrace it. Take your pregnant girl with a grain of salt, and take care if and love her. If you go through all of this spiteful, you've screwed your relationship, child, and yourself. All I can say it is humbling. Time to realize you aren't number one anymore, and it is beautiful.
 
2013-01-07 10:38:50 PM
Wait...Farkers are allowed to procreate? Really? Never mind. i'm gay anyway...
 
2013-01-07 10:40:05 PM
My advice is to go easy on the Facebook pictures it's OK in small doses but nobody needs to see every damn thing your kid does that you feel is remotely cute.
 
2013-01-07 10:41:15 PM
Yes, you will make mistakes. Get over it, do the best you can, and don't forget to enjoy the ride. The little suckers grow up really quickly.
 
2013-01-07 10:42:10 PM
Don't get mad when he or she scribbles in your books. Bath tub crayons are the best bath toy. Read a story to them every day. If you buy them a hundred different movies, they will watch just one a hundred times. Buy paper plates and cups to cut back on dishes. Learn how to make your own sammich.
 
2013-01-07 10:42:49 PM

The Evil That Lies In The Hearts Of Men: Baby girl: Wipe from front to back.


This, So Much this, oh and be prepared for diaper explosions at the most inopportune times, i.e. 5 minutes after you changed a wet diaper and put her in a car seat for a 2 hour ride to grandma's house, there are good times for diaper explosions i.e. 5 minutes after you have handed her to grandma, seriously your mother will think it is cute and rush off to change her before you can say "mom give her back I will take care of it"
 
2013-01-07 10:43:01 PM
I asked this exact thread a couple months ago. There's some great stuff in here.

http://www.fark.com/comments/7370101/Subby-found-out-his-wife-was-pre g nant-this-morning-Expected-planned-Breeders-Whats-one-piece-of-advice- you-WISH-you-could-have-had-on-day-one-regarding-your-impending-crotch fruit?startid=79874457
 
2013-01-07 10:43:39 PM
it's not about you anymore and from here on out it's all on autopilot, brah. enjoy it, your cards are on the table.
 
2013-01-07 10:44:12 PM
Your job as a father is to provide opportunities and experiences for your child. Some cost money, many do not.

Read to your child, every day until they wont let you any longer (it will be later than you think)

Take your child to the zoo, the aquarium, and every museum within reasonable distance of where you live. Taking that dream vacation to Disney World, subtract one day from the theme parks and take them to the local science museum. Better yet take them to the Kennedy Space Center.

Your child will get interested in something out of your comfort zone, get involved, coach it if you can.

If you have a daughter, she might gravitate towards dolls and makeup. Let her. But dont let her see these as a substitute for math and science.

If you have a daughter, he might gravitate towards sports and video games. Let him. But dont let him see these as a substitute for reading and the arts.

You wont break them. You wont screw them up. Unless you aren't there.
 
2013-01-07 10:44:13 PM

Mr. Murder: /subby


Get this man a drink and some lotion.

/Welcome to the rest of your life
 
2013-01-07 10:44:14 PM

CoronaMikl: Just wait until they are six and yell at you from the top of the stairs "I hate you and hope you die. But first can you drive me to the mall?"


six and already hooking at the mall ?
yer kids are advanced
 
2013-01-07 10:44:33 PM
No matter how cute it looks, don't eat it.
 
2013-01-07 10:45:23 PM
Hospitals have waiting rooms for a reason. You did your job 9 months ago. Now leave it to the professionals.
 
2013-01-07 10:45:28 PM
I started late(38) - my boy is now 10 and I'm SO glad that I didn't miss out on this ride - enjoy every minute - even the rough spots at the beginning because it goes too fast. Watching them develop into their own little person is amazing. And it's true, stay involved and they keep you young - it's a gift they give to you, don't miss it.
 
2013-01-07 10:45:33 PM
Speaking of becoming a dad...Link
 
2013-01-07 10:45:40 PM

Buddha Belly: Oh, and talk to the baby -- a lot. Very good for brain development.


Dont allow baby talk around your child. It entertains old women and nothing else.
 
2013-01-07 10:45:41 PM
But seriously, major congrats. Don't pay too much attention to other people's advice and just be the best parent and partner you can be and ignore the fact that I'm drunk as shiat and being very ultra-careful to type this right. Do the best you can and don't worry, be happy!
 
2013-01-07 10:46:52 PM

skullkrusher: Congrats subs!
You are going to be objectively right an awful lot of times over the next 7 or 8 months. Know that in your head but admit you are wrong every time.


Holy crap, this.

My wife's due date was today. Looks like we're going into overtime. She is...less than pleased with this development.

And, because now I'm going to get curious, I'm probably going to sniff the umbilical cord stump.
 
2013-01-07 10:47:08 PM
Even babies have a way of letting you know how they are feeling...


i417.photobucket.com
 
2013-01-07 10:48:53 PM
Keep her off the pole
 
2013-01-07 10:51:37 PM

willicus: And, because now I'm going to get curious, I'm probably going to sniff the umbilical cord stump.


That never crossed my mind, but I could never look a piece of beef jerky the same again.
 
2013-01-07 10:51:53 PM
some good advice in here

one more?

when you baby reaches school age, introduce him/her to a close neighbor you know - (and if you don't know any, start now) - in case of some emergencies, someone they know next door can be a hell of a lot better than 911

latch key kids, unite!
 
2013-01-07 10:52:16 PM
The good news is that if you really screw up it's fun to make more.
 
2013-01-07 10:52:38 PM
Mama is always right.
 
2013-01-07 10:53:16 PM
It's good that you already know to come to Fark for parenting advice.
 
2013-01-07 10:53:35 PM
"Gross" is a sliding scale.
 
2013-01-07 10:53:50 PM

Tom_Slick: willicus: And, because now I'm going to get curious, I'm probably going to sniff the umbilical cord stump.

That never crossed my mind, but I could never look a piece of beef jerky the same again.


It never occurred to me either, until everyone in this thread said "Don't sniff the stump!"
 
2013-01-07 10:54:03 PM
Save me some afterbirth. And placenta.
I'm gonna make soup.
 
2013-01-07 10:54:57 PM
Congrats Mr. and Mrs. Murder, now starts the rest of your life. The best advice I can give is get the both of you into a parenting class ASAP. Don't assume that because you were once children, that you know how to raise a kid. This will give you a chance to see different parenting strategies, and decide which one will work for you. Once you find a strategy, STICK WITH IT. If you and your partner present a united front when it comes to discipline, it will make things a lot easier over the long run.

//father of 5
//// yes Mrs Engineer and I know what causes them
//// and we are very good at it.
 
2013-01-07 10:55:49 PM

Mr. Murder: /subby


1. Never wake a sleeping baby.
2. Form a habit and try not to break it. Eat meals together. Always.
3. Learn to cook as a hobby. Involve your kid at a young age. It will improve both your diets/nutrition. No time? Why yes you do. Shut the stupid TV off.
4. Never treat the like they are stupid. Kids are naturally very intelligent and curious.
5. Never lie. Even the simple stuff. This takes all forms. For instance, if you are going to leave them in their bedroom and go to sleep do not tell them you will come back in 10 minutes and lay down with them to go to sleep. It is better to just tell them the truth no matter how small they are. Deal with the crying up front and they will stop it. Never try to "slip out" on them when you leave them somewhere like a babysitter or if you have one over to your house. For instance if you drop your kid off at day care do not just pop out when their back is turned to avoid crying. Let them cry and tell them the truth "I have to go to work now and I'll be back later to pick you up". This seems stupid and simple but it is a huge deal. They will trust you after just a few days whereas otherwise they will learn to despise you and mistrust you.
6. Do not use sarcasm or "kid" them. This is immature of you and also you have a position of authority over them.
7. Do not tickle excessively or let others do it. It is a sign of abuse.
8. Do not feed them juice. It is not nutrition. Numerous studies show that even small amounts stunt their growth, contribute to obesity, and lower IQ.
9. Involve them with helping you even when it is easier to do yourself. They will learn to love to help you (see cooking as an example). This almost always means taking longer to do basic chores like vacuuming. It almost always means they will do it wrong. It means broken things. This is the "cost of doing business".
10. Learn to play again.
11. Do not tolerate lying.
12. Improve your own behavior now in order to perform items 1-11.
 
2013-01-07 10:57:30 PM

indylaw: People won't admit it, but babies are welcome everywhere. The movies, restaurants, strip clubs.


It's true, strippers LOVE kids.
 
2013-01-07 10:57:39 PM
Babies are cute and all but it's also harrrrrrrd work. The toughest so far was the first 6 months or so until my daughter started sleeping thru the nights (oh thank you sweet Jesus that getting up 5 times a night is finally over. Then we had a short reprieve where things were perfect as could be but now she's 21 months and hitting those terrible two's. Gaaaaaahhhhh all the crying over everrrrythiiiing!!!

LoL I love my daughter more than anyone or anything but so farking glad I had to have my uterus ripped from my body.

Good luck ;)
 
2013-01-07 10:58:30 PM

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


So I hear, but it's never happened to me.

Get all the sleep you can, because once your kiddo hits about two weeks old, forget it, you're NEVER.SLEEPING.AGAIN.
 
2013-01-07 10:59:55 PM
1) Have a sprayer attachment put on your kitchen faucet if you don't have one already, they're easier to wash into the sink.
2) When you first start feeding them adult food, take their clothes off first.
 
2013-01-07 11:00:00 PM

Tom_Slick: Tom_Slick: The Evil That Lies In The Hearts Of Men: Baby girl: Wipe from front to back.

This, So Much this, oh and be prepared for diaper explosions at the most inopportune times, i.e. 5 minutes after you changed a wet diaper and put her in a car seat for a 2 hour ride to grandma's house, there are good times for diaper explosions i.e. 5 minutes after you have handed her to grandma, seriously your mother will think it is cute and rush off to change her before you can say "mom give her back I will take care of it"


OTOH, frequent diaper explosions over a long period of time can indicate a problem.  Mine came down with ulcerative colitis when she was nine.

/was hosing her down in the back yard when the WTC got hit
 
2013-01-07 11:00:02 PM
1. Mylicon gas drops. There will come a time when your baby is screaming bloody murder. The usuals suspects have been eliminated: diaper's dry, they've been feed, temp is good, etc. That's when you reach for the gas drops.

2. Beware parenting advice from people who do not live with your kid 24/7 like you do - which is likely everyone. Not all kids are the same... You'll figure it out.
 
2013-01-07 11:00:46 PM
My little dude is about 3.5 months and we just transitioned him to the crib. ERMAGHERD it is the best thing ever. That night he sleeps through for the first time will be the greatest moment of your life. And, oh man, they are wayyyyy fun!
 
2013-01-07 11:01:49 PM
Sleep. Sleep from right now until you have to drive to the hospital.

And drink

But mostly sleep.
 
2013-01-07 11:01:55 PM
If your wife breastfeeds, don't worry about if the baby is getting 'enough'. As long as the plumbing is working they are getting plenty.
 
2013-01-07 11:02:04 PM

gunsmack: You're going to be a father today? That's pretty short notice.


Came to say this. Glad I'm not the only one. Sad I'm the only one to reply to your post...
 
2013-01-07 11:02:29 PM
If that's what your conscience tells you, go ahead and be a father but just remember what's said in the booth is secret and hands off the altar boys.
 
2013-01-07 11:02:37 PM
1-Tell them that you Love them often.
2-For fever Tylenol for kids-wait 4 hours, Advil for kids-wait 8 hours. 99% of high fevers do not need a trip to the doctor.
3-Religion should require informed consent
4-Get a baby food mill for starting solid food
5-Let them eat dirt
6-The media is not reflective of actual statistics
7-Before giving a gift, unpack it then put it back in the box. They will play with the box if it is big enough
 
2013-01-07 11:02:50 PM
Don't treat your pregnant SO like she's delicate Chinaware, but when she gives you the signal that she's had enough, offer her something (tea, crackers, neck rub, foot stool, cold compress... whatever works for her).

Discuss ahead of time with your SO what you (really SHE) wants from the birthing process - I was firm that I did not want to give birth on my back, ended up in a birthing chair and it was the best thing ever for me. And if you find an OB that insists on something you or she doesn't want, find a new one. And if they try and push something else while in the hospital, don't let them unless it's a medical emergency.

As far as parenthood, you're going to fark up. Accept that and move on. We all do the best we can. Ask friends/family for advice but don't follow it unless it resonates. Don't let someone try and dictate how you should or shouldn't do something that works for your family. I tossed so-called "friends" out of my life completely for getting WAYYY too much up in my business.

If you have a girl, play dolls with her, let her dress you up, and sit down and have tea with her. Also show her how to throw a ball, climb a tree, and look for salamanders. If you have a boy, do the same thing.

Don't let them rule the roost. Put rules into place and have consequences when the rules are broken. Children respond very well when they are given boundaries and it is their job to test you. If you keep letting them slide, they have learned that you don't mean what you say and all they need to do is manipulate you a little more to get what they want.

Those are the bare bones I can offer. Aside from that, trust your judgement. CONGRATULATIONS. You are soon to be responsible for a micro-human. Enjoy!
 
2013-01-07 11:03:07 PM
Sleep when the baby sleeps. Hahahahaha, just kidding. That never works. But seriously, don't hit your kid.
 
2013-01-07 11:03:39 PM
Paternity test. Don't ask, just do it. Doubly true if you're not married.

Don't ever look comfortable, because that's a signal for the kid to bug you.

Don't expect anything by the book.

Don't expect sleep.

Forget about sex for the next year, well, 50/50 chance of that.

Always offer them something new, even if you don't like it: skiing, football (soccer), dance, gymnastics, swimming, et al.

Be prepared to live at the parks in the summer.

Teach them to cook, clean, and be respectful starting as young as you can.

LET THEM PLAY, HAVE FUN, AND BE KIDS.

Don't take yourself too seriously.

Don't explain things at more of a level than they need at a given time, my daughter saw me get out of the shower, and literally asked what "that" was at age 3. "Daddy is a boy and has boy parts. You're a girl like mommy and have girl parts." That ended that conversation for several years.

Have fun.
 
2013-01-07 11:04:59 PM
 
2013-01-07 11:05:18 PM
Sleep now. You won't be able to for a looong time. If you're one of those people that like to sleep in on the weekend... I'm so sorry :)

/father of two and lovin' it
//also, sleep-deprived
 
2013-01-07 11:05:35 PM
A lesson I learned recently: when your spawn begins practising her (or his) verbal communication skills, it is a good idea to be careful what you say until they understand the concepts of context and appropriateness of venue. When it comes to language, kids are like sponges...sponges which immediately get the words squeezed right back out of them.

/Learned this the hard way when I was telling my wife I thought that somebody was a coont
//My lovely two-year-old daughter who hears all looked straight at me and sweetly said, "coont."
///Thinking fast, I grabbed her coat and said, "you want your COAT? Here's your COAT. I'm holding your COAT right here!"
////Slashies
 
2013-01-07 11:05:51 PM
Best advice I can give you is this:

Don't be an asshole to your kid. This includes putting the kid down, using the kid as built in forced labor, etc.
 
2013-01-07 11:05:55 PM
Beethoven's 3rd Symphony, Georg Solti conducting. Sit the child down to listen ot it. Get the the kids's attention for a second. Tell the child it's about them. If they wander off, it's OK.
 
2013-01-07 11:07:32 PM
remember, when you run out of olive oil you can make more from squeezing olives
when you run out of lemon oil, you can make some more by squeezing lemons

both under great pressure

note--if you run out of baby oil--you can't squeeze the babay!!
 
2013-01-07 11:08:19 PM
If I was subby, I would turn myself in for rape right now. After all, rape is any sexual act a man performs on a woman.
 
2013-01-07 11:10:01 PM
They typically make better men out of most of us. Congrats!!!
 
2013-01-07 11:10:27 PM
The best thing you can do with your kid is spend time with them, paying attention to them. It almost doesn't matter what or where or how or whatever, just do it with them, involving them when at all possible.

Oh, and eff your wife as much as possible during pregnancy, as much as she will put up with. Don't be a sissy and let the life growing inside her put you off your grub, just be a man and do it.
 
2013-01-07 11:11:58 PM

thrgd456: The best thing you can do with your kid is spend time with them, paying attention to them. It almost doesn't matter what or where or how or whatever, just do it with them, involving them when at all possible.

Oh, and eff your wife as much as possible during pregnancy, as much as she will put up with. Don't be a sissy and let the life growing inside her put you off your grub, just be a man and do it.


You shouldn't be advising him to rape his wife. That's illegal.
 
2013-01-07 11:12:03 PM
During delivery, don't look under the sheet that will be placed over your wife's knees. That sheet is there for your protection. It protects you from a nightmarish vision that you cannot UNSEE. Not kidding. Seriously, don't look. You don't want to see that. You will be scarred.

Don't believe me? Go get a nice roast beef sandwich from the deli, nice warm bread, perfectly marbled meat, crisp fresh lettuce, the perfect amount of sauce.....looks delicious doesn't it? A work of art.........Now, ad a little too much ketchup to that sandwich, and set it on the ground. Now stomp on it a few times, kick some dirt into it......now do you want to eat that sandwich? Will you ever see another roast beef sandwich without remembering what that stomped-ketchupy-mess looked like after you mangled it?
 
2013-01-07 11:12:33 PM
Just as all my children the second they were cleaned up and handed to me, I told them that I would do everything in my power to protect them and I would love them forever... I wrote them a letter of the times that they were born, Sadly, I predicted the end of my first born. He was a protector, a hater of bullies and was a lover of history... RIP SPC Micheal "Pokey" Phillips.. the world someday may see you again, may you live in peace in the next one.
 
2013-01-07 11:12:51 PM
Just do the best you can; children are surprisingly resilient to your minor mistakes.

It's worth having/raising kids because that's the only way to get grandchildren; you'll have figured it out by then.
 
2013-01-07 11:13:20 PM
Go easy on the infant toys and convince your relatives and friends to do the same.
My 11 mo nephew has thousands of dollars in highly rated infant development toys he doesn't give a rats ass about.
You need a couple of flashy light music playing things, not dozens of them. Limit yourself to a couple from each category of stuffed animals, squishy plastic books you can throw in the dishwasher, multitextured fabric and plastic thingies with loads of tags on them, squishy fabric thingies that make crinkly noises, and chewy rubber squeaky things.
Have the relatives gift useful things like pharmacy and kiddy clothing store gift cards instead of toys the the kid will never play with for more than 30 seconds.
Start a college fund now and have relatives give to that now instead of buying a 30th plush penguin. Compound interest isn't just a theory.
Most importantly, don't be a dick and teach your kid not to be a dick.
 
2013-01-07 11:15:00 PM
Subby - congrats!

The only advice I have is to watch out for Charlie Sheen...

He's out there..

and waiting....
 
2013-01-07 11:15:02 PM
Congratulations. My only advice would be to save something every pay to begin building an education fund for Junior.
 
2013-01-07 11:15:07 PM
They will physically hurt you. Bad. And their cuteness will prevent you from defending yourself. Wear protection:

www.kochmartialarts.net

www.silvermane.com
 
2013-01-07 11:15:15 PM

wjmorris3: If I was subby, I would turn myself in for rape right now. After all, rape is any sexual act a man performs on a woman.


But she wouldn't have gotten pregnant if that were the case. The woman's body has defenses against that, remember. The Repubs said so.
 
2013-01-07 11:15:44 PM
Put a diaper over your shoulder before burping the kid, unless you have a spit-up fetish.

View nighttime feedings/diaper changing as little happy visits instead of a chore. I have a lot of happy memories of sitting in the near dark with John and a bottle ALL BY MYSELF. Mwa ha ha!

If he's breast feeding, be careful how you hold him unless you've got a tshirt on, because they'll latch onto YOU, and it really feels weird as hell.

Keep a hand on him when changing, they wait for you to turn your back and try to throw themselves on the floor. I never had it happen to me, but the missus was changing John at about 10 months and he did a snap roll off the changing table, landed in the drawer full of diapers below, no harm no foul.

Also if it's a boy, he'll try to pee on you when you change him. Peel the thing back, let the cold air hit, then put the old diaper back on for a few seconds. Unless you like faceful-o'-pee.
 
BBH
2013-01-07 11:15:52 PM
The more parenting you do early, even through the "terrible twos", will ease the "terrible teens".
 
2013-01-07 11:16:50 PM
You guys...I'm so torn after reading all of this.

I'm a single Dad.

I don't know what the fark I am doing and I need help for my brains.

The only true love I'll defend to the death was when the three of us hugged and were close. No one can ever take that away from me.
 
2013-01-07 11:19:09 PM
1. Baby Signing: Kids can learn basic sign language as early as 6-9 months. Knowing that they want "more" or a "drink" or "eat" or they "pooped" covers 90% of the conversations and cuts down on your stress and their screaming.
2. I know people have mentioned sleep, but it bears mentioning again. Your wife will want to "take care of stuff" when the baby is napping. Until your kid sleeps through the night, your wife should be napping when the baby is napping. Especially if she's breast feeding.
3. breast feeding: Do what every you can to support your wife in this. Go to breast feeding classes with her. Breast feeding is great. it's good for the kid, good for the mom, it's free, and their poop doesn't smell (or at least doesn't smell bad).
4. Post-birth visitors: Any visitor who stays for more than an hour should be helping! They should be cooking, cleaning, holding the baby. You should not be serving them.
5. If you can afford it, we had umbilical blood drawn and sent off to store umbilical stem cells. In case your kid gets some weird disease, you'll have access to their own stem cells.
6. Make sure you have a support system, either friends or family who can help. If your wife will be home alone with the kid without support, she'll start to go MORE nutso than she would otherwise.
7. Enjoy your baby and all the things that happen. It'll be hard at first. You'll fight with your wife, you'll snap at each other. You'll get the wrong diapers, or you won't do it they way she wants you to. Just try to be reasonable and realize that it'll get easier.
8. Getting out of the house on time will be nearly impossible. Understand that you will be late to almost everything. Don't stress it. People who have kids will understand. People who don't--fark 'em.
9. Sleep. SLEEP damnit. There's a line from one of the Bourne books about how sleep is a weapon. The better rested you are, the better you'll be able to deal with everything.
10. Baby's do NOT need a bath every day.

Good luck!
 
2013-01-07 11:19:52 PM
Oh, and be consistent. Being wishy-washy or letting the kid split you and the missus leads to endless whiny negotiations later, and I think the kid feels like he knows where his boundaries are a bit better if you're as consistent as possible. If you're NOT going to be consistent, that's the time to explain. It saves a lot of grief later.

/Dad, can I ...
//Can you?
///No.
////There you go, then. Next year, we'll reevaluate that. But for now, you can't without your mother or myself there. Maybe if you're at Uncle Todd or Dan's. But not with your buddies.
 
2013-01-07 11:20:48 PM
Oh, and be aware that baby-brain is a real thing. A woman's brain shrinks by like 6% during pregnancy. It's believed that the baby takes lipids or something. It takes 6 months to 2 years to recover. So if your wife seems a little more scatterbrained than usually, she can't help it.
 
2013-01-07 11:22:51 PM
Move out of the USA. This ship is going down.

In the parlance of the Eco-Communists and their brethren who are responsible for its demise, the current situation is not "sustainable."
 
2013-01-07 11:22:57 PM
Some to add:

During pregnancy: Almost every symptom imaginable is apparently both a normal symptom of pregnancy and a symptom of a serious life threatening condition. Not much to do about this but be prepared for frustration if you try looking up whether something is harmless or not.

Take your SO's side on visitation scheduling for your parents/siblings immediately after the baby is born.

Adopt a "haters gonna hate" attitude to the multitudes who will offer unsolicited advice and/or commentary on parenting and naming choices.
 
2013-01-07 11:23:16 PM
Oh, and breast fed kids hardly ever spit up. When they're bottle fed they tend to drink too much.
If your kid seems colicky then look up "elimination diet". My wife cut out everything except turkey, rice, and two other plain things (I can't remember which) and my kid went from screaming all the time to screaming 10% of the time. Something my wife was eating was bothering the kid when breast feeding. Most of the stuff the elimination diet eliminated was stuff she ate a lot of.
 
2013-01-07 11:25:33 PM
Falcon Punch?
 
2013-01-07 11:25:50 PM

White_Scarf_Syndrome: I'm a single Dad.

I don't know what the fark I am doing and I need help for my brains.



As another single dad, I can offer the following advice, ignore the woman who act like they know better than you because you are a man. Also you will find a lot of married women will suddenly try to fix you up with single friends. You can do this by yourself, I've done it for the last 4 years since my wife died.

/did recently get engaged to my daughters babysitter, long strange story there.
 
2013-01-07 11:26:07 PM
No snark here as I'm a sucker for my kids (one turned 2 on Saturday and the other is 6 months). This has probably been stated, but I'm too lazy to read all the comments:
1. If your wife wants to breastfeed and can't or cannot sustain it for very long, just be supportive no matter what. Nursing is hard work and a lot of women feel like failures if they can't do it, so just lend an ear if she wants to talk about it and support her.

2. If your wife doesn't want to breastfeed at all, support her in that too.

3. You CANNOT spoil a baby. Their brains are not developed enough to link cause and effect (eg, If I cry, they'll pay attention). Crying is their only way to communicate when they're new, so pick them up, cuddle them, tend to them immediately. And don't give your wife crap if she drops everything to tend to the baby when he/she is crying. The crying of a baby causes a very realistic painful feeling for most moms.

4. Make sure you and your wife give yourselves a break from the baby. Parenting is hard work and you'll have times where you just want a break. That's totally okay and you should allow yourselves that freedom from time to time.

5. Read, sing, talk to the baby. They love to hear your voices.

6. You know what's best for your child. Take everyone's advice with a grain of salt as no one will know your child's quirks better than you. Follow your gut. If you feel like something's wrong and you want to ask your doctor, call them. That's why they're there. Don't feel stupid or that you should know better.

And remember:
The cleaning and scrubbing can wait 'til tomorrow
For children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow
So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep

/yes, I'm a sap
 
2013-01-07 11:26:45 PM
You can not own enough bibs. There are dishwasher safe silicone bibs for solid feeding time. Buy them.
 
2013-01-07 11:27:39 PM

farkerintx: During delivery, don't look under the sheet that will be placed over your wife's knees. That sheet is there for your protection. It protects you from a nightmarish vision that you cannot UNSEE. Not kidding. Seriously, don't look. You don't want to see that. You will be scarred.

Don't believe me? Go get a nice roast beef sandwich from the deli, nice warm bread, perfectly marbled meat, crisp fresh lettuce, the perfect amount of sauce.....looks delicious doesn't it? A work of art.........Now, ad a little too much ketchup to that sandwich, and set it on the ground. Now stomp on it a few times, kick some dirt into it......now do you want to eat that sandwich? Will you ever see another roast beef sandwich without remembering what that stomped-ketchupy-mess looked like after you mangled it?


I saw my kids before my wife did. If I hadn't looked I wouldn't have seen:

My son come out with his fist up by his head (making it even harder on my wife).
My daughter come out with a full head of hair that looked like a mass of freshly cut grass because there was meconium in the amniotic sac (meconium is baby poop).

Those are some of the most vivid and exciting memories I have of those days.
 
2013-01-07 11:28:11 PM
farm4.staticflickr.com
 
2013-01-07 11:29:37 PM

willicus: skullkrusher: Congrats subs!
You are going to be objectively right an awful lot of times over the next 7 or 8 months. Know that in your head but admit you are wrong every time.

Holy crap, this.

My wife's due date was today. Looks like we're going into overtime. She is...less than pleased with this development.

And, because now I'm going to get curious, I'm probably going to sniff the umbilical cord stump.


hehe good luck. My wife went almost a week over. If he waited another 2 days she was going in to be induced.
Now i have the funniest little adorable monster ever entertaining the hell out of me the whole time I am home :)
 
2013-01-07 11:31:10 PM

Jixa: wjmorris3: If I was subby, I would turn myself in for rape right now. After all, rape is any sexual act a man performs on a woman.

But she wouldn't have gotten pregnant if that were the case. The woman's body has defenses against that, remember. The Repubs said so.


The Bible says "Thou shalt not lie with... a woman, this is an abomination."
 
2013-01-07 11:31:28 PM
Speak to your kids using real words, not baby talk. The more real words you use, the less they have to learn then unlearn.

e.g. use cut or scrape instead of "boo boo". use vagina instead of "hoo hoo". :) Use the real words. You can use them in a soothing voice, but made up words just makes the learning harder.
 
2013-01-07 11:34:13 PM

Zelron: Speak to your kids using real words, not baby talk. The more real words you use, the less they have to learn then unlearn.

e.g. use cut or scrape instead of "boo boo". use vagina instead of "hoo hoo". :) Use the real words. You can use them in a soothing voice, but made up words just makes the learning harder.


No, the word is vulva.
 
2013-01-07 11:34:29 PM

prickle27



Kids can't see beyond their own needs. So they'll act like little selfish assholes, try not to let it get to you.


weird you say that, because I was just listening to "Ideas" on CBC radio, and the guest speaker on it was talking about how around the age of 7 or 8, kids get out of the "self centered" era into the "putting yourself in another's shoes" era of their life.
 
2013-01-07 11:35:31 PM

blueyd1:
2. If your wife doesn't want to breastfeed at all, support her in that too.


And there's no reason she can't pump enough for the night, then it's YOUR turn to take up the load. I got to where I could hear my babies stirring around just before they'd wake up, I could change 'em and plug a bottle in before they started crying. Gives the missus a bit of unbroken rest.


5. Read, sing, talk to the baby. They love to hear your voices.


And dance. Don't forget dancing. Pick 'em up, hold 'em close, sing and dance around like an idiot.
 
2013-01-07 11:36:15 PM

Majick Thise: Have ONE and ONLY ONE child.

Seriously.. If you have one it's a fun hobby. Work yeah but good work.

BUT the work load when you add a second kid doesn't just double.. oh no. It increases by an order of magnitude. Let's use the term 'work unit' as a measure of the work you do when having a child. If a single child is 10 work units a day, two children are 75 work units a day..

No one ever listens to me on this, maybe you will be the first.


I think we have more free time with two kids, because they play with each other. My son helps his younger sister. Sure they fight sometimes, but they spend a lot more time playing together. Making two sandwiches isn't that much harder than making one, and it doesn't take any more time for them to be eaten, etc.
 
2013-01-07 11:36:42 PM

theMagni: Take a lot of pictures, but keep only the good shots.


No. Save a few special pictures that you can use to completely embarrass your child when he/she hits those teen years and is a miserable human being to be around.  It's the only power you will have at that point.
 
2013-01-07 11:37:10 PM
One of you will be Soylent Green. Flip him for it.

And now the real advice: Teach the kid to read, to write and to do four-function math and to think critically. Because the schools aren't doing that to their precious snowflakes, although everyone is having fun with a capital farked.
 
2013-01-07 11:37:41 PM
Don't let her read any of the blogs or birth sites while pregnant as there is just too much trauma there. If she has something that makes her wonder you look it up and only tell her when things might be an issue, it saves a lot of drama and worry and with her hormones on full tilt it helps to filter out the crazy.

There are a lot of people with opinions on what is best, and what you should do, but your best option is to read up a lot of different sides and find what you will be happy with tell the others to go fly a kite it is your kid you will raise them as you see fit.

There is never such a thing as giving your kid too much love, things yes, love no.

Remember that your kid is watching you at all times and trying to mimic you so when you are mad sad or indifferent remember that is what they will see and try to emulate.

Get ahead of the game and get the room ready asap so you have plenty of time to chill later and if you cherish sleep try to enjoy a few months of what you will remember as the last few months you actually slept well. The first 6 months are tough on the sleep side but it gets better.

When you are at the hospital just after birth, if you haven't slept in the last day or two let the nurses take the baby for a few hours and get sleep. You might not want to but it is best for the baby as well as the safety for them at that point is rapidly diminishing.

In the end it can be as great or horrible as you allow it to be. Life is what you make it. Having a kid is the best thing in the world but if you don't step back a bit and realize how great it is, you get caught up in some of the drudgery. There are tons of poopy diapers, getting peed on spit up on, a huge learning curve and all the rest of the fun, laugh about as much as you can because again this is how they will learn through you to deal with adversity and they will be the thing you love more than you can imagine possible.
 
2013-01-07 11:40:16 PM

katerbug72: Don't let the kid sleep in the bed with you. You'll have a hell of a time getting them not to later.
If they bite you, don't bite them back, that doesn't help the matter.
Test out the different diaper brands before committing. NEVER buy Luvs, you may as well wrap them in a Kleenex.
An iPod touch is a sanity saver at the store or doctor's office.
Don't buy too many clothes in one size as they'll grow out of them before they can wear them all....that goes for shoes too.
Wipes warmers are awesome for those middle of the night changes, much less firehosing.

/I know there's more but that'll do for now


Well, unless you're practicing attachment parenting. Yah, it'll be hard to get them out of bed, but my kids always have friends and seem to be the kids that everyone in the class likes.
 
2013-01-07 11:40:50 PM

skullkrusher: willicus: skullkrusher: Congrats subs!
You are going to be objectively right an awful lot of times over the next 7 or 8 months. Know that in your head but admit you are wrong every time.

Holy crap, this.

My wife's due date was today. Looks like we're going into overtime. She is...less than pleased with this development.

And, because now I'm going to get curious, I'm probably going to sniff the umbilical cord stump.

hehe good luck. My wife went almost a week over. If he waited another 2 days she was going in to be induced.
Now i have the funniest little adorable monster ever entertaining the hell out of me the whole time I am home :)


Thanks. I made her some spicy brownies that are supposed to help jump start labor, but they don't seem to be working yet. She's going to be induced on Sunday night if the kid waits that long. Man, I hope the kid doesn't wait that long.
 
2013-01-07 11:41:22 PM
Sometimes it's really hard but you will survive!
 
2013-01-07 11:41:40 PM
Oh - and say goodbye to friends who don't have kids.
 
2013-01-07 11:43:06 PM
RUN!
 
2013-01-07 11:44:15 PM
My advice:
You're preparing a future adult for a life worth living. Every attitude you demonstrate will be considered and absorbed by your children. They have a vibrant mind even before they're born. They're like a sponge: make sure they absorb the wonders, manners, and attitudes that will turn them into confident, compassionate, productive members of society.
Every person is a work of art. Go full Michelangelo on this one.
 
2013-01-07 11:44:28 PM

Tom_Slick: /did recently get engaged to my daughters babysitter, long strange story there.


And that story starts, "Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me...."
 
2013-01-07 11:44:49 PM
As soon as my son picked a stuffed dog that he had to sleep with every night and wanted to take everywhere, I went online and ordered two more of them. I kept them hidden, and ran them through with every load of laundry for a couple of weeks until they were as worn as the original. This way, any time he spilled juice on his dog, or soaked it with urine, or threw up on it, or his diaper failed and that got all over it, I could take the fouled dog to the laundry room "to wash him up" and simply swap it for a fresh one instead of having to go into immediate panic laundry mode while a crying kid waits for his stuffed animal. Having secret body doubles also came in handy a couple of times when the dog got left at grandma's house and it was too far to go back: "Oh, I bet he'll already be home by the time we get there, little buddy."
 
2013-01-07 11:45:27 PM

willicus: skullkrusher: willicus: skullkrusher: Congrats subs!
You are going to be objectively right an awful lot of times over the next 7 or 8 months. Know that in your head but admit you are wrong every time.

Holy crap, this.

My wife's due date was today. Looks like we're going into overtime. She is...less than pleased with this development.

And, because now I'm going to get curious, I'm probably going to sniff the umbilical cord stump.

hehe good luck. My wife went almost a week over. If he waited another 2 days she was going in to be induced.
Now i have the funniest little adorable monster ever entertaining the hell out of me the whole time I am home :)

Thanks. I made her some spicy brownies that are supposed to help jump start labor, but they don't seem to be working yet. She's going to be induced on Sunday night if the kid waits that long. Man, I hope the kid doesn't wait that long.


Indian food kicked my wife off. If this is your first, don't stress. It's scary as shiat for everyone I think but it is awesome. Go home after the first night and get some sleep assuming your wife is going to be in the hospital until the next day (after some free shots at the local of course). You'll both need all your energy especially until you get a routine down.

If it's not your first, what the fark you having another for?? didn't you learn your lesson???
 
2013-01-07 11:46:21 PM

Mr. Murder: /subby


Be careful of any advice given.  Pregnancy and parenthood tend to bring out people's inner moron.  Take all advice with a grain of salt.
 
2013-01-07 11:48:14 PM

The Evil That Lies In The Hearts Of Men: Oh - and say goodbye to friends who don't have kids.


We found the opposite. We supply the booze and they are happy to come over and hang out here. Luckily the boy sleeps like a rock and has a nice, solid 2 hour nap in the late morning so mommy and daddy can sleep it off if need be.
 
2013-01-07 11:49:12 PM
For boys' middle names, "Lee" and "Wayne" always lead to fame.

For a girl, you enjoy much more leeway to ensure her a lucrative career:
- Cars: Lexus/Lexi, Sable, Mercedes, Prius
- Minerals: Christal/Krystall, Diamond, Jade, Amber, Feldspar
- Foods/Spices: Ginger, Sage, Pepper, Jasmine, Candy, Cinnamon, Cinnabon
- Weather: Misty, Stormee, Cloud, Wendy, Snowe, Rayne, Windcock
- Places: Dakota, Savannah, China, Cheyenne, Asia, Dubuque
 
2013-01-07 11:49:51 PM

skullkrusher: willicus: skullkrusher: willicus: skullkrusher: Congrats subs!
You are going to be objectively right an awful lot of times over the next 7 or 8 months. Know that in your head but admit you are wrong every time.

Holy crap, this.

My wife's due date was today. Looks like we're going into overtime. She is...less than pleased with this development.

And, because now I'm going to get curious, I'm probably going to sniff the umbilical cord stump.

hehe good luck. My wife went almost a week over. If he waited another 2 days she was going in to be induced.
Now i have the funniest little adorable monster ever entertaining the hell out of me the whole time I am home :)

Thanks. I made her some spicy brownies that are supposed to help jump start labor, but they don't seem to be working yet. She's going to be induced on Sunday night if the kid waits that long. Man, I hope the kid doesn't wait that long.

Indian food kicked my wife off. If this is your first, don't stress. It's scary as shiat for everyone I think but it is awesome. Go home after the first night and get some sleep assuming your wife is going to be in the hospital until the next day (after some free shots at the local of course). You'll both need all your energy especially until you get a routine down.

If it's not your first, what the fark you having another for?? didn't you learn your lesson???


It is our first. My wife used to love Indian food, but ever since she got pregnant, it makes her queasy. We're both excited and, while still nervous, ready for the kid to show up. She's excited to no longer have something squashing her bladder.
 
2013-01-07 11:52:42 PM
Twins are much more common than you think, and they will own you 24/7 (x2).
 
2013-01-07 11:52:58 PM
1. Then whenFor the next 9 months. Learn patience, and how to say 'yes dear'

2. Keep telling her how beautiful she is. She feels fat and ugly, and needs reassurance.

3. Learn how to give back rubs and foot massages.

4. When you pack a bag for that fateful night don't forget yourself. You'll need one to. I didn't and she threw up on me twice.

5. Then when the child is newly born and is looking you in the eye, as you wonder 'can I do this' the answer is 'yes you can'
 
2013-01-07 11:55:36 PM

willicus: It is our first. My wife used to love Indian food, but ever since she got pregnant, it makes her queasy. We're both excited and, while still nervous, ready for the kid to show up. She's excited to no longer have something squashing her bladder.


my wife couldn't stand the taste or even smell of cooking red meat. She did find a post-partum fondness for Guinness that she never had before though.
Good luck dude, after a few weeks it is a shiatload easier than it sounds. Still a ton of work but once you're past your fear of breaking him/her and learn to relax it goes a lot more smoothly.
Sitz baths, ice packs and Tucks medicated pads will make your wife happy especially if she gets an episiotomy. Pick some up and have them ready to go at home.
 
2013-01-07 11:57:26 PM
My dad is very special to me. He tells me the truth but is also encouraging. Do the best you an and she/he will appreciate it a lot!
 
2013-01-08 12:00:57 AM
Know the signs of autism and get screened. The smallest little things wrong can be warnings for something huge.

//early intervention helps a lot.
 
2013-01-08 12:01:49 AM
I didn't read the whole thread because I am a dad who is dealing with a 2 1/2 year old who decided sleep isn't cool. He can't find his teeny tiny Luke Skywalker angry bird figure and he is freaking the hell out. Here's my advice: you are going to screw up many times, but kids are hard to break. Don't be too hard on yourself. Also, get an external hard drive to save videos and photos. Smart phones fail or get broken all the time, and chances are you will use your phone to capture most stuff. The most important advice, though... routine. Work the sleep schedule. Believe in it, never vary. It is easy to let the kid into your bed at two AM because you are exhausted and half brain dead. You think it is a one time thing. It is not.

Also, get the "happiest baby on the block" video. Nevermind, Email me your address and I will send you mine.That stuff is golden, man. Congrats.
 
2013-01-08 12:02:01 AM
Good news: Most days it's really not as bad as what people say there are.

Bad news: Some days are actually worst than what people say they are.

Also for the first time ever in your life you will actually know that there is someone whom you value more than your very own life and more than everything or anything in this world... that my friend changes EVERYTHING!
 
2013-01-08 12:02:55 AM
Oh yeah, When she yacks during delivery, buckle up daddy...babby is imminent.

I was not informed of the Transition Phase.

Lots of shaking and the ONLY time I vomited during the entire pregnancy.
 
2013-01-08 12:06:13 AM

erewhon: blueyd1:


5. Read, sing, talk to the baby. They love to hear your voices.


And dance. Don't forget dancing. Pick 'em up, hold 'em close, sing and dance around like an idiot.


This... very importantly this.
 
2013-01-08 12:07:08 AM
You are likely going to see your wife shiat for (probably) the first time.
 
2013-01-08 12:07:46 AM
I have 5 kids in various stages of maturity/psychosis

1. You're going to make mistakes. It's ok. Humans are resilient. The fact that you're asking for help means you care enough to succeed. There are millions of people out there that don't have the resources, intelligence, or investment that you do and the vast majority of those kids get along just fine.

2. Nothing is more important than time. "Quality Time" is horse shiat. Quantity. You can't spend too much time with them at any age.

3. Let them make mistakes that don't have permanent consequences. It's going to hurt you a whole lot more than it hurts them, and it's the best and fastest way for them to learn.

4. Need help? These are as good as it gets:

http://www.amazon.com/Power-Positive-Parenting-Wonderful-Children/dp/ 1 567131751

http://www.loveandlogic.com/

5. Set the example. If you want them to serve others, let them see you serve. If you want them to work hard, let them work with you. They WILL mimic you, sooner or later. Be prepared to see the uncomfortable truths about yourself revealed in their behavior as they grow up. If you sit in front of the computer all day playing video games be prepared for them to do the same, etc.
 
2013-01-08 12:08:53 AM
Always bear in mind that it's not as easy as you'd hoped, but it's not as hard as you think.
 
2013-01-08 12:10:21 AM
Go to bed now and don't wake up until she goes into labor. You're not going to sleep for the first year, so stock up now.
/Became father in March 2011, didn't get a full night's sleep until Feb 2012
//Congrats! It's the best thing that will ever happen to you.
 
2013-01-08 12:15:10 AM

bilgemaster: gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.

/Or don't, 'cause it's hilarious, and you'll maybe be needing that memory when he dents up your Dodge.


In fact, videotape it. It will come in useful later. Like when all his buddies are visiting and you want to get him back for denting up your Dodge.

My dad was kinder, he just beat me.
 
2013-01-08 12:15:32 AM
Congrats. Soon, the 18 month sleep depravation experiment will begin....

I'll second the advice about getting the kid out of bed with you sooner than later. Basically, your wife will want to have your little one there between you forever. When you finally get them to a crib, they'll start bawling their eyes out. DON'T LISTEN. Your wife will cave first and try to calm the kid, and it will make it worse. You need to let the kid cry themselves out of it - oh, and the longer you wait to separate you from them the worse it will be.

When they get older you'll have a ton of stuff to do and they'll seem like an interruption - make time for them. Go over homework, read with them, etc. Make sure they KNOW they're important to you.

Key: Make sure you prioritize your wife first (and she to you as well). Make sure the kids know that Mom gets first dibs. Otherwise, your kids will come first to both of you, and your marriage will suffer.

Diaper stuff is messy as everyone above says - but you'll get through it. Just go to the Army surplus store and buy a gas mask.

Lastly, watch this: Bill Cosby on Childbirth
 
2013-01-08 12:18:24 AM

FozzyNOK: Just as all my children the second they were cleaned up and handed to me, I told them that I would do everything in my power to protect them and I would love them forever... I wrote them a letter of the times that they were born, Sadly, I predicted the end of my first born. He was a protector, a hater of bullies and was a lover of history... RIP SPC Micheal "Pokey" Phillips.. the world someday may see you again, may you live in peace in the next one.


I am so sorry. God bless you and your son.
 
2013-01-08 12:18:41 AM

Zelron: Well, unless you're practicing attachment parenting. Yah, it'll be hard to get them out of bed, but my kids always have friends and seem to be the kids that everyone in the class likes.


I loved having my son in the bed when he was smaller. He's two now and still gets up in the night to come sleep in our bed and the rest of the night I'm getting kicked and assed in the face. Some mornings I feel completely beat up. It took months to get him into his own room to sleep and he's still not entirely there. Last night he slept on the couch and then crawled in with us at four. Tonight he's sleeping on his little sofa bed on the living room floor. I put him in his bed tonight and he got up ten minutes later and went back on the couch, fell off onto his sofa bed and stayed there. Someday, I hope he sleeps in his own bed all night.
 
2013-01-08 12:20:11 AM
regarding sleep

awake newbies at night? once dry, fed? i had good luck sitting and rocking quietly outside, yes, in the dark. no lights, no tv, etc - worked well and didn't bother my husband.

then, later? they will sleep 10-15 hours a day - usually starting when they have to be in class by 7 am but have been on line until 2 am

you will sleep again. really
 
2013-01-08 12:20:24 AM
Remember, every kid is different, any advice you get is based on one person's experience, and may not work at all with your child.
 
2013-01-08 12:23:33 AM
Oh, yeah. Start teaching them languages early while they can still learn them correctly.

I recommend Mandarin, maybe a couple of the more common African languages.

When he gets about six, start teaching him how to climb and rappel, get him a little ALICE and make him run a lot, teach him to land nav without gps.

He'll have a great career later.

/this is a fuze. Some people call them blasting caps. This one's a 250ms delayed electric fuze. You can tell by the markings. Why would we use delayed fuzing?
 
2013-01-08 12:24:56 AM

parasol: regarding sleep

awake newbies at night? once dry, fed? i had good luck sitting and rocking quietly outside, yes, in the dark. no lights, no tv, etc - worked well and didn't bother my husband.

then, later? they will sleep 10-15 hours a day - usually starting when they have to be in class by 7 am but have been on line until 2 am

you will sleep again. really


the sleep issues for us were really just the first 6 months, and only occasionally. Teeth have been the biggest culprit so far for preventing sleep.
 
2013-01-08 12:25:25 AM

skullkrusher: You are likely going to see your wife shiat for (probably) the first time.


My husband got to see my intestines laying on my stomach. He never lets me forget it.
 
HBK
2013-01-08 12:28:22 AM

phuquetarde: Fatherhood is the best thing in the world. You will forever be loved and love another.


Haha, no.
 
2013-01-08 12:29:36 AM
Have an abortion Subby
 
2013-01-08 12:30:48 AM
mistakes will be made. dont sweat it
as long as he knows you're on his side , you'll be ok
 
2013-01-08 12:32:52 AM

katerbug72: Last night he slept on the couch and then crawled in with us at four. Tonight he's sleeping on his little sofa bed on the living room floor. I put him in his bed tonight and he got up ten minutes later and went back on the couch, fell off onto his sofa bed and stayed there. Someday, I hope he sleeps in his own bed all night.


Our son did the same stuff. Right about the time he started hating naps, actually. We tried a few things, but the only thing that worked was really physical play to exhaust him. It got us over the sleep hump, anyway. Maybe it's a boy thing, but he sleeps like a champ when we run him ragged every evening. I schedule at least a half hour for light saber battles every evening. The kid is getting pretty good.
 
2013-01-08 12:34:35 AM

SilentStrider: gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.

word is my father found this out the hard way.


one of many educational advantages of AFV
 
2013-01-08 12:36:41 AM
The F*ck?
 
2013-01-08 12:38:04 AM
I have two kids - my daughter is 4, my son is 3. Daughter was planned (IVF) and son arrived 15.5 months later (natural). They're about the same size, same eyes, quite different otherwise. It's a fantastic feeling to have em yell "Daddy" and give me the leg-hug when I pick them up from daycare. Congratulations on joining the party!

Advice (trying not to repeat here)

1. Sleep while you can.
2. Take care of yourself and wife/gf/so during pregnancy.
3. Birth plans can occasionally go out the window. My wife didn't want an epidural when giving birth to our daughter, but she was induced and when her water broke, it was like going from 0-200 MPH. She asked for the epidural, actually fell asleep during a lot of active labor, woke up and 30 mins later we were parents. At first she thought she'd failed somehow, but realized that the epidural probably helped her relax and avoid the emergency c-section. However, when our son came along, wife had pre-eclampsia bad enough to threaten the baby, so son was born at 28 weeks and spent two months in the NICU. Not the way we wanted him to come into the world, but now he's doing fine and weighs more than his sister does.
4. You can never have too many burp cloths.
5. Take pictures and video, back them up, but live in the moment too. Example - we got our daughter's first roll-over on video. I had the camera on and pointed at her, but I was watching her rather than the viewfinder. Much better experience, and we have it on video, too.
6. Baby gas-x, teething tablets, baby tylenol. If you use these, buy more before you run out to avoid those 3 am trips to CVS, Walgreen's, etc. Same goes for diapers and wipes.
7. Breastfeeding is awesome. Some moms can do it, some can't, don't judge. Formula farts suck. Son was on a special brand due to the premature birth. You would not believe the eye-watering, room-clearing farts that came out of that boy.
8. When it's solid food time, make your own if you can. There are books on the subject and as long as you have a blender, food processor or food mill, it's easy to pulverize food, then either serve or freeze for later Costs less and is much more nutritious than the jarred stuff.
9. Be firm, be fair, and don't be afraid to change activities and do something silly if everybody's crabby. There aren't a lot of sounds that are more fun than giggling toddlers.
10. Read to your kids every day. There are plenty of good book suggestions by others in this thread.
11. My daughter was a pee fountain during diaper changes. My son never peed on me, probably because I followed the maxim of positioning the baby and myself to avoid such things, then treating him as if he was loaded and ready to go off at any second. In other words, duck, change fast, breathe easy.
12. Enjoy being a parent. Best job ever.
 
2013-01-08 12:38:10 AM

ZombieApocalypseKitten: Know the signs of autism and get screened. The smallest little things wrong can be warnings for something huge.

//early intervention helps a lot.


And in all seriousness, please please please please do not let the doctor prescribe your child antibiotics until they are at least in primary school. Unless it's for something quite obviously fatal.
 
2013-01-08 12:40:28 AM

discgolfguru: katerbug72: Last night he slept on the couch and then crawled in with us at four. Tonight he's sleeping on his little sofa bed on the living room floor. I put him in his bed tonight and he got up ten minutes later and went back on the couch, fell off onto his sofa bed and stayed there. Someday, I hope he sleeps in his own bed all night.

Our son did the same stuff. Right about the time he started hating naps, actually. We tried a few things, but the only thing that worked was really physical play to exhaust him. It got us over the sleep hump, anyway. Maybe it's a boy thing, but he sleeps like a champ when we run him ragged every evening. I schedule at least a half hour for light saber battles every evening. The kid is getting pretty good.


Light saber battles. Awesome! My kid has energy to spare and I have no idea where he gets it as he lives off goldfish crackers and air. He runs and runs all day, doesn't nap too often and still goes to bed after 8pm.
 
2013-01-08 12:44:23 AM
Don't listen to all those people who are telling you to sleep now. Take this opportunity to become accustomed to lack of sleep, prior to the new stressor being added to your environment.
 
2013-01-08 12:44:31 AM
Teach him by example, provide him with the tools he needs to obtain the best education he can get, teach him the value of hard work,that he is responsible for his own way thru life, be caring of others and humble in nature, grant everyone the respect that all men should give each other until that person shows you they are not worthy of respect.

Honor and integrity before anything else.

Always try to do the right thing, it is self evident most of the time.

Congrats to you subby.


\Unless subby is Corvus, they pray for us all.
 
2013-01-08 12:44:37 AM
Don't be selfish. As a parent, you're going to have to go without... a lot of things.
 
2013-01-08 12:44:44 AM
Fill what's empty
Empty what's full
And if you have time, scratch where it itches.
 
2013-01-08 12:46:12 AM

katerbug72: skullkrusher: You are likely going to see your wife shiat for (probably) the first time.

My husband got to see my intestines laying on my stomach. He never lets me forget it.


whoa - friend of mine watched his wife's c-section. Has not forgotten it.
 
2013-01-08 12:46:26 AM
Here's my list in no particular order.

Growth Spurts: They happen in cycles. You can tell because you kids suddenly eats you out of house and home and is constantly tired. Just go with it. Feed them as much nutritious food as you can (esp protein!) and keep things calm and easy at home while they are going through what is basically constant sleep deprivation. This happens until the leave home so just be aware.

Sleep: Even into elementary school kids need between 10-12hrs. Everyone is different though. If your kid is happy and handles disappointment well, they're probably getting enough sleep. If they're easily frustrated, prone to tears, and can't handle basic stuff (No, you can't watch tv until 10pm.) they need more sleep.

Apologize: Kids can figure out pretty quickly if you just got after them for something dumb. You're tired, you misunderstood something, whatever. It happens from time to time. Don't be afraid to say you're sorry. It's not weakness, it's called not being an asshole.

Become a behaviorologist: I scared the every loving heck out of my parents as a baby. I had been playing quietly that day. A little more low key than usual, but still up and about and having fun. Until they felt my forehead and realized I had a raging fever and was actually very sick. If your kid suddenly starts acting different than normal, check into it, regardless of how innocent it seems.

Keep them alive: Seems silly until you realize kids have a knack for trying to kill themselves. Whether it's sticking things in electrical outlets, eating pretty colored things, suddenly and completely inexplicable dashing in front of a car, or chugging a bottle of nyquil because hey why not? There is no end to the amount of life threatening activities kids will suddenly decide to engage in for no particular reason. This happens all the way into their 20's. Try to head them off at the pass as best you can.

Light speed has nothing on baby speed: More than one parent has had a heart attack because junior was suddenly "just here a second ago!" If you're not in a place where you can safely leave them to go to the bathroom, keep your eye on them! If you're in public, hold hands.

Become a Prepper: Well, for kids that is. Keep all necessary medication, tools and other items in the house at all times. Kids have a knack for getting hurt or coming down with the sick once all the stores and doctors are closed. Having a thermometer, infant tylenol, pedialyte, ace bandage, bandaids and such on hand is a huge help. Save your sick days, you'll need them for your kids...and then yourself after your kids are well. Keep extra food on hand for those evenings where your kid can suddenly eat more than you can. And...yes it sounds silly, extra large clothes on hand as well. One day they'll be getting dressed and all of a sudden their clothes don't fit. Literally, they can't move their arms or button their pants. Having some pjs and a day outfit or two on hand will get you to the next shopping trip.

And last but not least...

Results matter: If your kid is developing into a nice and decent human being, you're doing it right. If your kid is developing into a self-centered unfeeling asshole, you're doing it wrong. It doesn't matter if you're following every "child raising" book out there. It doesn't matter if you're doing everything that worked for *you* as a kid. If your kid isn't developing into a decent human being, you need to change what you're doing. And you need to keep doing it until you find what works for this particular child (everyone is different, if you have a second child you are right back at square one.)

And don't let your personal beliefs on what constitutes "proper discipline" get in the way of effectively parenting your child. If you need to, change those beliefs.

If you've exhausted your repertoire and still haven't had any luck, don't be afraid to get professional help. Hopefully your kid doesn't have a mental disorder, but who knows?

********************************************************************* * ********************************************************************** ****

Enjoy it! You are about to have one of the most fun, insane, drive you crazy (in both good and bad ways) time of your life! ;)

/best wishes to you and the new family! :)
 
2013-01-08 12:46:55 AM
Being Grandpa is more fun than being Dad.

/much more
 
2013-01-08 12:49:13 AM

erewhon: Oh, yeah. Start teaching them languages early while they can still learn them correctly.

I recommend Mandarin, maybe a couple of the more common African languages.

When he gets about six, start teaching him how to climb and rappel, get him a little ALICE and make him run a lot, teach him to land nav without gps.

He'll have a great career later.

/this is a fuze. Some people call them blasting caps. This one's a 250ms delayed electric fuze. You can tell by the markings. Why would we use delayed fuzing?


You forgot to include lessons on stockpiling gold and MREs.
 
2013-01-08 12:49:24 AM
Best advice was from my younger brother, who had kids first.

MISTAKES WILL BE MADE. And the kid will probably live.
 
2013-01-08 12:50:49 AM
Learn some DIY home renovation skills.

newsimg.bbc.co.uk
 
2013-01-08 12:51:17 AM
Foam earplugs. They're comfortable, and you can lovingly cuddle and care for a screaming infant at night, while remaining calm and patient yourself. It's much easier to do the things you need to do if you're not under sonic attack. Likewise, you can take turns with your wife wearing them at night, so at least one of you gets some sleep each night. Don't forget to keep some in the car, for those car trips where a screaming kid can be dangerously distracting.

Some kids cry more than others, but they all cry.
 
2013-01-08 12:52:18 AM

skullkrusher: katerbug72: skullkrusher: You are likely going to see your wife shiat for (probably) the first time.

My husband got to see my intestines laying on my stomach. He never lets me forget it.

whoa - friend of mine watched his wife's c-section. Has not forgotten it.


My wife was a C section, but I only saw her from the chest up. The rest was curtained off. The thing they don't tell you about C sections is that the docs have to really muscle the baby out. When the delivery moment came, I had one thought... it's like my wife's lower extremities are being ravaged by wolves. It's pretty violent. Her whole body was being jerked around. They had a plastic sheet that I could see hung over a partition, and it had a whole lot of pockets that were filled with little bloody things. I didn't ask about those.Probably best not to.
 
2013-01-08 01:02:58 AM
Put your kid's interests ahead of your's. And before he leaves the nest, make sure he has an idea what he wants to be and what he wants to do with his life.

My mom took zero interest in me as a kid. She couldn't be bothered to leave her couch and sober up to help me out as a kid. And instead of helping me academically, she kept mum on all the help I could've gotten in getting ahead in this world.

I'm 55 now. No family, no career, no future. And all because my mom wanted a lifelong bar stool buddy to keep her company.
 
2013-01-08 01:03:48 AM
Read to the little one. Even when he's in the womb, read to him, talk to him.
 
2013-01-08 01:04:30 AM
Change your name, wipe out all your financial accounts and move to Europe and become one with the gypsies.
 
2013-01-08 01:04:35 AM

discgolfguru: My wife was a C section, but I only saw her from the chest up. The rest was curtained off. The thing they don't tell you about C sections is that the docs have to really muscle the baby out. When the delivery moment came, I had one thought... it's like my wife's lower extremities are being ravaged by wolves. It's pretty violent. Her whole body was being jerked around. They had a plastic sheet that I could see hung over a partition, and it had a whole lot of pockets that were filled with little bloody things. I didn't ask about those.Probably best not to.


Weird. Pockets of bloody things. I didn't see a thing but it sure felt weird and I couldn't stop shivering because of the morphine. I couldn't really feel anything but a little pressure and I felt much lighter after they took him out. Everyone had a face mask except the anesthesiologist. He was a weird guy with no personality. Why wasn't he wearing a mask?!!?
 
2013-01-08 01:07:14 AM
I've raised three an the oldest is 18.

Dad is the anchor, the security, the defender, the provider, the teacher, and the lawgiver.


First of all, let me congratulate you on sticking around to BE a father. This is not the given situation which previous generations expected of any real man. Children who grow up without a strong father figure grow up with lots of problems and have a much harder time in life. Statistically, they are much more likely to end up dead or in prison at an earlier age without a male elder role model. We learn best from a 2-parent family, I feel. A single parent, as good and hard as they work at doing their job, still lacks the second perspective to give a child, as well as early examples of how a couple should live in harmony and with respect and love for each other. I think that works for gay OR straight couples. These things are best taught by day to day examples, like letting a kid see you two hug and kiss and call each other pet names and show affection and talk out problems and console each other in sadness and sharing joy. So I thank and salute you for just showing the hell UP. You're unfortunately the minority these days, But it is good news for your kid that they have a mom AND a dad.


The kids are yours, but not forever: your first duty is not to be their "bro", but to raise good human beings who can function in the world and make their own way without you, because some day you will be dead and no longer there to handle problems. You are trying to work your way out of this job as soon as practical. That means sometimes they will hate you or be angry or resentful. Don't let that get to you, and don't cave on principles: they will come around eventually and understand and appreciate what you've done when they are older. Consistent love and discipline is your gift to them. More on this later.

First, in the caveman/ bring home the bacon department:

Before the birth, bank a lot of prepared food away so all you need to do is reheat and serve. You will both be dead-ass tired all the time the first month or two. Arrange easy-care clothing and laundry. Arrange the bills and put as much of your "outside" life as possible on auto-pilot.

If you can take advantage of the family leave act, take at least a month off, then slowly taper off with short work weeks or half-days for another 2 weeks. More if a c-section birth. She's going to need it.

In-laws can be a huge help. We couldn't have made it without my MIL helping out a bit.

Take the lamaze class with her, even if you're doing a regular hospital delivery: the same breathing and pain control techniques they teach in LaMaze will help if she ends up having a c-section and being in pain every time she gets up, lies down, or moves.

YOU will let her sleeping and recover as much as possible, YOU do the late night bottle feedings and bring the baby from the crib to mom for breast feeding and YOU wlll take the baby back to the crib when feeding is over. You will do your share of diaper changing and never complain. These maintenance tasks are humble but very important for proper bonding and building trust with the kid. Promote breastfeeding for six months up to a year old if you can; stats show it makes the baby healthier and smarter.

Rub her feet, good and hard, every day; pregnancy is murder on women's feet. Start the rubs by mid-pregnancy and never stop. Do it while you watch TV together. Back rubs are good too, but keep them non-sexual, without expectations. This will keep some physical intimacy going between you, as well, until she's ready for something more. That, BTW, has to happen on HER time table, not yours. So what else is new? However, you can hasten the happy return to normal sex by being very encouraging every day regarding affirming your love for her and telling her she's still beautiful to you and desirable. Use the foot rub or back rub time to just talk things over. Later, try going to workouts together to help her get back into shape sooner.


The crying is very hard to deal with for first-timers: there were times the first week where I could start to understand how some parents snap and hurt their kids, and I'm not living in a trailer on food stamps or nothing: I was a mature, well-educated, employed 30-year-old man and it nearly broke me from the sleep deprivation and pure ennervation a baby's cries can cause. You were genetically programmed to respond to this noise. You can survive it, take a time-out outside or go sit in the car for a while if you have to, or call a relative to come spell you for the mental health break. After about 2 weeks, you will be over the hump and so will the baby start toning it down on their own. You will become expert at discerning a feed me cry from a change me cry from a I'm too hot or cold or bored or jazzed up/over-stimulated and need my sleepy time cry.

We didn't do much baby talking to our kids: we always spoke proper english and used good grammar around the kids from infancy, and my kids were all 3rd-grade readers with 5th grade vocabularies by pre-school or kindergarten. We did do a lot of singing and had music every day of some sort. A dad thing can be gathering and curating these materials. Have reading materials around all over the place, make sure the kids get physical little books from an early age, and let them see and hear you reading all the time. Reading aloud to the kids, doing the voices of characters, was one of mine and their most favorite activities, and we always made a big deal out of it with special lighting (candles) and rituals like where to sit and etc. Your kids today with your fancy gadgets and screens, sure, let the kids get familiar with these tech toys but don't skimp on old-fashioned cardboard and felt picture books and etc. and keep their exposure to the idiot box low and highly controlled for quality content. Openly and verbally critique what you watch together; discuss what you see and ask about what they think of the character's behavior and actions, use the TV examples to explain and teach your values... explain the lies and traps of commercials, teach them to be critical viewers. Same with gaming.

Along with literacy and numeracy teaching of your kids, it would be nice to instill in them healthy habits and attitudes about fun and exercise and even sports. They can help jeep YOU in shape, as they grow, you can lay on the floor and use them as free weights and later, run/chase/play tag/play catch/ wrestle/ticklefight, etc. Be active and they will be active too. Eat good things in front of them and they will grow up having a taste for good things as well. Any example they get to SEE you living is worth ten lectures. And the corollary is: if you tell them what's good for them but you don't get seen following that, you lose status and respect and you teach them bad things. Fatass.

Once the baby is born, within a few weeks, you will go to the bank and set up what is called a 529 plan, this is basically like a 401K plan but for paying for college, which by the time YOUR kids are 18, will cost as much as the GDP of a small nation. Tell your relatives you have done this, and they will enjoy adding contributions to this plan from time to time on birthdays and etc, believe it or not. It's better than getting savings bonds. Set up payroll deductions at work to automatically put away a slice of your pay into that 529 right off the top, you will pretend you don't even know it is happening. Payroll deduction and compounding interest is awesome as well for your own retirement, which you should be working at the whole time, do NOT wait to start that because the kid expenses are high right now. Explore if your state has a 529 plan that locks in tuition and other costs for state colleges at today's rates, and get enrolled in that plan, pronto. Such plans are tax free, insured, and portable; that is, if they decide they don't want to go to State after high school, they can take that money out and put it into some other school without too much trouble. If they decide to not go to school, you can convert some or most of it to cash to fund their search for meaning or whatever. By the time your kid is 18, they will have school pre-paid for, and can concentrate on working a job thru high school to put away cash for living expenses when they move out of your house to live on their own, which was your goal.


Key items we found most useful: a baby "bouncer", which is a cloth and wire baby lounge chair kind of thing you put on the floor, and you can make it bounce or rock with just your foot. The baby soon learns THEY can make it bounce with their own foot, and they will soothe themselves into long peaceful naps this way. The springy harness-thing that hangs in a doorway like a paratrooper training aid, that shiat keeps them exercised and entertained for hours if they can always see into both rooms and see what you're doing. A good way to get them to sleep as well, but for when they are a little older. These things are portable and handy to take on road trips.

Use cameras that are good in low light and need no flashes, and you'll get tons of great candid shots over time, without conditioning the baby against cameras. Great for peek a boo games.

Light weight umbrella strollers are super handy and cheap. You don't always need the heavy duty pram for everything.

The "Snugli" baby carrier is handy for moms or dads and lets you keep both hands free while hauling the kid around. Let unmarried guys snicker: women seeing you with this are all going to get moist from seeing your hot dad-ness.

Get a good quality rocker or gliding type rocking chair with a footstool. This is essential for breastfeeding as well as soothing rocking action while watching TV or whatnot, she NEEDS this.

Babies and toddlers grow out of things before they wear out. DO use resale stores for used baby clothes and toys, you will save LOTS of money and the kids don't miss out on anything.

Get a baby monitor if you want, get them used, because after a couple of months you will be over the need for them. Old model baby monitors used the same radio channels as portable house phones, beware that sometimes your neighbors can eavesdrop on you all day this way. Same goes for unsecured nanny cams and wireless monitoring.


I'm going to say this once: your movie-going life is over for about four years. Do not take your baby to the movies, not for any movies. Any movie you want to see bad enough, you can afford to arrange a sitter, or you can wait for it to be available for download or DVD rental or whatever. You are a PARENT now. Parenting is sacrifice. More over, you should be a RESPONSIBLE parent, and not inflict your new parenthood on others at theatres when not absolutely necessary. The noise and lights are not good for the kid, nor are the adult themes.

A corollary to this is, if you are church-going folk, or temple or whatever, sit in the farthest back row, close to the exits or the "crying room" if the venue has one. Everybody in the church thinks you are an ass if you come in late, sit up front and let the baby or toddler make noise and/or disrupt services the whole time, it is NOT cute yo just let them cry or carry on, you are just a shiatty parent without consideration for others. Start in the back row, where it doesn't matter you came in late again because the kid pooped just as you were getting in the car. What helps with that, is to keep the kids on a rigid time schedule for feeding and pooping, timed so they are not needing either for the hour of church. Feeding them a slug of formula about fifteen minutes ahead will usually conk them out for 45 minutes at least. As they get to toddlerhood, SILENT toys and maybe a handful of cherios IF THEY STAY QUIET will keep them in line. When they act up, IMMEDIATELY remove them to a quiet spot and stay there until you can get them quiet. God will forgive.

In the discipline department, I highly recommend the "1,2,3, Magic" system; grab the book or video and watch it and decide for yourself. I will say it completely turned around our kid with ADHD and in church, at public functions, in stores, or a real restaurant, our kids never embarrassed us; quite the contrary, people went out of their way to come up to us and complement us on how well-behaved the kids were. We would joke that the key was "regular beatings", but truthfully, with the 123 magic system, you don't need physical violence to make it work, and it remains effective if you are consistent. A very short description of the technique goes like this: kids are not little versions of grown-ups that can be reasoned with; they are not born with reason functioning, they are more like animals and tou the lion tamer, the first year or so. Kids are also born scientists: everything they do, they do to test the world around them and to discover what the real natural laws of the world are. Dropping spoons off the table over and over, that is a game but also it is checking to see that gravity remains a constant. Violating a limit you have set on something, whatever that is, is testing to see if you really mean it or are bullshiatting them, and if you fail, you ar teaching them to ignore you and figure out some other system of rules. They learn consequences and cause and effect from the moment they are born. And they NEED to learn cause and effect and consequences for breaking rules or hurting people, in order to learn empathy for others and how to get along in a society. Your greatest gift to them is to be constant in your love as you are in your setting clear boundaries, and sticking to what you say you will do. The 123 method is a way of cuing the child when they approach a boundary or limit, and the first couple of times they WILL violate the limits you set, to see what happens. If you love them, you will be CONSISTENT and always follow a warning with the consequence, not with anger, just conviction. We found that four or five years old was about the right time to start this program, the year before preschool or kindergarten.
 
2013-01-08 01:08:09 AM
You won't get a decent nights sleep for at least 3-4 months. The key in the beginning is to sleep whenever the baby does (any wierd hour of the day). When the baby falls asleep- you go lay down and try to shut your big brain off for long enough to grab a few Zs.

Make sure you tag team responsibilities with your partner. A new baby situation where only one parent is doing all the work is not only unfair, but it will come back to bite the other parent on the ass one day, and maybe every day for the rest of their lives.

Once you get over the 6 month hump, you will be blown away by how amazingly engaging the kid is and you can't remember a time when they weren't a part of your life, and Christmas is 1000 times more fun than when you were a kid.

You get to watch them eat their first ice cream and first cotton candy, help them fly their first kite and ride a bike. They rekindle in you the possibilities of life and the beautiful things about this world that we all lose sight of as we get snarkier and farkier.
 
2013-01-08 01:08:20 AM

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


While laughing with gusto.

Achievement unlocked!
 
2013-01-08 01:09:18 AM
Lots of great advice here.  Sleep is big.  You also are done having money anywhere near you. DON'T SHAKE THE BABY, VERY BAD .
Buy three months of diaper service AND THEN give the delivery guy a tip when he shows up.  He will spend a few moments thanking you.  Those few words will be the only human sounds you'll hear all week, if you're a stay at home dad.  You will learn to cherish those words.

Good luck . . . We're all counting on you.
 
2013-01-08 01:14:32 AM
Say goodbye to Fark for at least two years. You aren't gonna have time.
 
2013-01-08 01:16:39 AM
Buy the brand name condoms in the future.
 
2013-01-08 01:16:51 AM
If you put in the work. The kid will turn out great.

If the kid is smarter than you, that's a GOOD thing.
 
2013-01-08 01:18:32 AM
My wife is a "hovermom" around our son. He just turned 15, so he' had his drivers ed, and now learners permit.I'm waiting for the day when her takes her new Camry SE out at night, and takes our credit cards.He was born 7 weeks premature, spent a month in NICU, and didn't start talking until 4 years old. Now he won't shut up.He had the umbilical cord around his neck at birth, when my wife would push, he'd poke out, then when she relaxed, he'd go back in.The doc had to perform an episiotomy to cut the cord and get him out.Blood and amniotic fluid everywhere.THe nurses rushed him out of the room to an incubator, said it was a girl. when they brought him out, all in pink, my wife took one look and said "That's not a girl".He's 5'9"now, and really good in soccer and track. If you get down, remember it's not permanent, just do the best you can, it'll pass.
When my wife planned her pregnancy, she had me pick her up an E.P.T. I was inthe back yard splitting firewood when she said "It's turning pink!". hen I hung my head and said "I've done a baaaad thing".(Lou Costello voice).
 
2013-01-08 01:19:48 AM

Suckmaster Burstingfoam:
You forgot to include lessons on stockpiling gold and MREs.


I never got enough gold to stockpile but I am an MRE expert, sad to say.

I would have been bad-ass if I'd had my languages down without any accent when I got there, though. It's tough to do if you don't start early.
 
2013-01-08 01:25:58 AM

Third_Uncle_Eno: prickle27


Kids can't see beyond their own needs. So they'll act like little selfish assholes, try not to let it get to you.

weird you say that, because I was just listening to "Ideas" on CBC radio, and the guest speaker on it was talking about how around the age of 7 or 8, kids get out of the "self centered" era into the "putting yourself in another's shoes" era of their life.


You're right, I should've been more specific. By the time all three of my kids reached the third grade they had learned that the world doesn't revolve around them.
 
2013-01-08 01:26:29 AM
Don't fark the nanny.
 
2013-01-08 01:28:21 AM
Congratulations!
 
2013-01-08 01:32:00 AM
Enjoy the first two years of life.  After they hit that second birthday, they develop this thing called 'attitude' and it is not necessarily a good thing!  Potty training... um, sometimes they do it, sometimes they don't, and I think it partially depends on if there is a younger sibling.  My two-year-old started going potty, but once she kept seeing her baby sister keep getting her diaper changed, well she missed us doing that and now her going to the potty is spotty.

Also, you will find once you have your second child that you've been there, done that, and know what to expect almost like a natural reflex.  The first kid, though, you will not be prepared for no matter how much preparation you have.  The second one, however, will take to things MUCH quicker than the first. Like with our second, she's on all solid food now at ten months old; the first was still on stage 3 at this point.  Also with an older sibling around, if they're at the right age they'll even help out.  I have a video of our baby on her belly trying to crawl, and our oldest is yelling at her, "Crawl!  Crawl!," and showing her how.

And take LOTS of pics and video.  They put one terrabyte hard drives in computers and make external hard drives for a reason; use every last byte.
 
2013-01-08 01:34:45 AM
There's NO way you'll see this by now, but I'm putting it here anyway.

Always try to explain things. Even the littlest of people appreciate knowing why the fark the farked-up shiat that is happening, is happening. You'll get better at dialing concepts of 10th-level intensity down to a 1.5 or a 2 (which will help you with the adult idiots in your life), and they won't want to kick you in the shin and break something from constantly hearing "Because I said so!"

Also, the easiest way to get through the "why" phase is to turn it around after one or two honest answers. "Why do YOU think?" is like crack for kids because no one ever farking asks kids for an informed opinion or explanation.

Eventually they'll get older and you'll have to bust out gems like "I have 33 YEARS of experience dealing with this, and you have ELEVEN." (which is an explanation, if snarky) but it won't be for a good while.
 
2013-01-08 01:35:35 AM
When he or she is old enough, get him or her into good music. Start with some In Flames & Children of Bodom before birth, then in the birthing center blast some Megadeth or Slayer. And forget about the usual nursery rhymes, read them Edguy or Avantasia lyrics.
 
2013-01-08 01:38:09 AM
I was playing basketball nearby when the beeper went off.  Rushed home, drove the wife to the hospital and our first child was born.  Since then I've given up sleep, money, exercise, privacy, and dignity.  Unfortunately I'm committed to making sure there's at least three meals every day, so fat has arrived to fill all those empty spaces.
 
2013-01-08 01:38:18 AM

erewhon: I am an MRE expert


You poor bastard.
/Especially if they were from the first two iterations.
 
2013-01-08 01:40:57 AM

Soulcatcher: You get to watch them eat their first ice cream and first cotton candy, help them fly their first kite and ride a bike. They rekindle in you the possibilities of life and the beautiful things about this world that we all lose sight of as we get snarkier and farkier.


The first laugh is a goddamned miracle of life. I still remember the moment that my daughter laughed on her own for the first time, when we weren't tickling her or making goofy faces.
 
2013-01-08 01:44:23 AM
Get as much sex and sleep as you can, and try to remember it
 
2013-01-08 01:46:07 AM
almex for diaper rash

and don't forget to be a kid with your kids at times--they will love you for it.

and the one thing that i have told my daughter--i am your father, not your friend.

i have never failed to tell her that i love her
 
2013-01-08 01:49:02 AM
sorry--that was balmex for diaper rash
 
2013-01-08 01:49:56 AM

demaL-demaL-yeH: erewhon: I am an MRE expert

You poor bastard.
/Especially if they were from the first two iterations.


Pork patties, great. Corpse fingers/fingers of death, numbah 10.

And afterwards, oh my god. It's odd to have turds that "clink" when they hit the ground.
 
2013-01-08 01:50:54 AM
Oh, and you'll want to lay in a supply of Boudreaux's Butt Paste, nothing NOTHING is better.
 
2013-01-08 01:53:23 AM
Signing Time as soon as they hit 2.5-3 years. Watch it with `em so that if they choose to sign, it doesn't fall on deaf ears. (Blind eyes?) It won't change the times they're too cranky to let you know what they want (PROTIP: they have no clue), but it's great for all the times when they're in a decent mood.

As soon as you can justifiably leave them with someone else for 90 minutes, YOU GO OUT ONCE A WEEK LIKE CLOCKWORK AND NEVER SKIP IT BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO TIRED. Being away from a needy, uncommunicative responsibility and having adult conversations with people whose asses you need not wipe will always recharge your batteries.
 
2013-01-08 01:54:57 AM
Crawl around the house on hands and knees. looking to baby-proof everything you can find at that level.
 
2013-01-08 01:56:01 AM
Those Gerber child insurance adds are a scam unless you have an Oscar-winning child actor kid.
 
2013-01-08 02:00:11 AM

erewhon: demaL-demaL-yeH: erewhon: I am an MRE expert

You poor bastard.
/Especially if they were from the first two iterations.

Pork patties, great. Corpse fingers/fingers of death, numbah 10.

And afterwards, oh my god. It's odd to have turds that "clink" when they hit the ground.


Human/Lizard Loaf? It was a blessing when those tiny bottles of Tabasco magically appeared. Some of the stuff even became edible.
What did you think about track pads and sawdust bars?

No, subby. The Target generic A&D that's 40% zinc is the very best for diaper rash.

/And monkey butt.
 
2013-01-08 02:01:02 AM
Read this book.
Link Act accordingly.

Enjoy! It can be scary but also so much fun.
 
2013-01-08 02:20:50 AM

demaL-demaL-yeH: No, subby. The Target generic A&D that's 40% zinc is the very best for diaper rash.


YUP.
 
2013-01-08 02:30:48 AM
"The key to being a good dad...well, sometimes things work out just the way you want. Sometimes they don't. But you gotta hang in there. Because when all is said and done, 90% of being a dad is just showing up."
/Modern Family
//DNRTFA
///didn't read the comments neither
////like Dr. Spock wrote: "You know more than you think you do."
 
2013-01-08 02:34:01 AM
So, you're a priest now?
 
2013-01-08 02:37:03 AM
When you have poop in the diaper, give it 5 minutes. There's more where that came from.
 
2013-01-08 02:58:23 AM
I guess I'm late, as usual, but I'd say the first year sucks. (It even sucked for me, and my wife did almost all the work.) If you can make it through the first year, you're set.

theMagni: Take a lot of pictures, but keep only the good shots.


I can't agree with this. Sometimes, those mistakes have the coolest information, and you don't notice it until later. My oldest son took a very close-up picture of himself when he was three or four years old. It's blurry and out of focus, but the smile on his face is pretty cool. It's one of my favorite pictures, ever.
 
2013-01-08 03:06:37 AM
Sleep as much as you can, when you can. Our second kid is one in a few days and I live today only because I obey this rule. Congrats subby!
 
2013-01-08 03:21:39 AM
You weren't the guy on FML who got told via pixt and then updated his Facebook status to "This is the most depressing day of my life", were you?
 
2013-01-08 03:25:59 AM
cdn-static.zdnet.com
 
2013-01-08 03:38:05 AM
Congratulations, I hope it works out for you.

One thing: With children, whenever possible give them advance warning about what's going to happen next. For example, if you're at the park, and you want to leave, don't wait until it's time to get in the car to tell them it's time to go, because they will always protest. What I found worked miracles with my daughter was if I gave her a heads-up, say a 5-minute warning, and then maybe a 1-minute warning, then when it's time to leave she's prepared for it, and goes relatively willingly. Saved me no end of grief.

Also, if it's a girl, be prepared for puberty, it can be a very bumpy ride. Knowing that it gets better starting around age 16 would definitely have helped me cope with all the drama.
 
2013-01-08 03:39:34 AM

Dadoo: I guess I'm late, as usual, but I'd say the first year sucks. (It even sucked for me, and my wife did almost all the work.) If you can make it through the first year, you're set.


Sorry to quote myself, but I just remembered a few more things.

1) If you're like me, you'll completely lose it, once in a (great) while, when your kids misbehave - especially when their safety is involved - and feel compelled to give them a good swat to get their attention. Naturally, this will nearly always occur when the largest possible number of people are watching you, and at least a few of them will accuse you of child abuse. As long as you're not leaving black-and-blue marks (or worse), ignore them. It won't be obvious until after your kids are grown, but they'll be better for it.

2) While they're babies, you won't be able to wait until they're old enough to do stuff with you. The second they are old enough, you'll miss when they were babies.

3) I hate kids. I had long decided I wasn't going to have any, but I fell in love, and she insisted that we had to have them. Yeah, I know, that was probably pretty stupid. I have to tell you, though, my kids are awesome, and I'm glad my wife talked me into it.
 
2013-01-08 04:02:37 AM
I looked over the curtain during a C-section. Don't. Don't even think about it. Just don't.

It looks like Highlander missed and used a sword to gut your loved one. When they sew her up, it looks like a roast being strung together.

And kids don't come out pretty. They are covered in this white creamy stuff that protects the skin.

Rethink circumcision. Just watch videos of how it's done before you sign off on that for your child. Look. Just do it.

Since it's your first, here is how it's going to feel.

When it's time, it going to be like a roller coaster ride emotionally. You will never be as worried for your spouse and child...and as happy when the baby is delivered and cries for the first time. You emotions are going to go from one end of the scale to the other.

Bring some things to the hospital you like to sleep on or in if you are sleeping in a private room with her and the baby.

You will get through this. There is no instruction booklet. Just be good to your kids and guard them like they were the air you breathe.

No matter how cute they are, kids become teenagers. They will grow out of it if they survive it.
 
2013-01-08 04:14:00 AM

Dr Jack Badofsky: Abort! Abort! Abort!


Take, that, Tim Tebow!
 
2013-01-08 04:14:59 AM
Am I the first to suggest falcon punch?
 
2013-01-08 04:24:31 AM
SLEEP WHILE YOU STILL CAN


/seriously
 
2013-01-08 04:24:47 AM
keep 'em alive
and your priorities just changed to keeping 'em alive.
 
2013-01-08 04:35:31 AM
Relax, don't sweat the small stuff and enjoy it.
 
2013-01-08 04:40:55 AM
At a young age, buy him or her a telescope and a microscope. This will give him or her perspective. Also teach him or her to play chess. This will teach him or her to think before making a decision. Good luck. Oh yeah, LOVE that kid, man.
 
2013-01-08 05:09:24 AM
Oh, yeah, when they get into the 3-4 zone, he won't be able to switch emotional gears easily. Don't go telling him to quit crying or you'll give him something to cry about, he just can't. A bit of patience will go a long way.

Also, they will quit wetting the bed. The proper mantra is "This, too, shall pass", the corollary to "it's a phase".
 
2013-01-08 05:10:55 AM

yagottabefarkinkiddinme: Bring some things to the hospital you like to sleep on or in if you are sleeping in a private room with her and the baby.


In my experience, this depends on whether or not your wife already knows about your girlfriend.
 
2013-01-08 05:12:53 AM
I didn't get to comment yesterday because I took my little boy out for his first birthday.

There's so much advice, much of it contradictory, that I wish that someone had said to me at the start that this would be the case. As many wise Farkers have already said, kids are resilient. As long as you're not bouncing them off their heads or rolling them down the stairs then you're good.

After 2 weeks my BIL and his wife came and watched the baby. My wife and I went to the pub. It was the first time we'd been out of the house and away from him for two weeks and it was a godsend. It gave us a break and some much-needed perspective. If you can, do something similar. Doesn't have to be for long, an hour was all we had, but it was like a tonic.

Get this book for your wife: Link. READ IT TOO. Help her out.

Do not try "cry it out", it's developmentally damaging.
Talk and play and sing and dance as much as you can.
Do not let them watch hours of TV. A few minutes a day.
Housework can wait.
When you change them, undo the dirty one, do as much wiping as possible, then swap out for the clean one. Do not leave the area uncovered for any longer than you have to.
If the umbilical stump gets wet, dab it dry with a paper towel (not tissue, bits will stick). The stench is rotting flesh - gangrene. If you keep it dry you shouldn't have this.

Above all, just immerse yourself in it. Your life will change but the rewards are phenomenal. They may take a while to come, but they do in the end. Have fun and love your baby, tell them as much as you can.
 
2013-01-08 05:13:18 AM
Oh, and quit smoking. The missus too, if she does. I gave up a pipe/cigar habit, then fought a dip habit for about two years before I conquered it. I've been tobacco free (mostly) since the kids could remember. The old lady made me a really nice glass front box with my three favorite pipes in, that says "break in case of emergency", when the kids are gone in a few years I might do it. But probably not.

In the meantime, the kids will be sicker and more likely to smoke if you do. My brothers went through the same fight, none of our kids smoke. It's worth the pain.
 
2013-01-08 05:33:30 AM
If you can hold it in a closed hand, throw it out or lock it up.
Find nitrile gloves that fit you, beats smelling baby shiat on your fingers and they won't remember the gloves.
Big t-shirts for you for while you hold/change baby.
Make sure the head lays both directions, rotate the child in the bed every night.
Teach baby early that loud noises are ok.
Rub that belly, wiggle your fingers on it, jiggle it like a nice firm tit. This is like controlled demolition.
Pull-ups OVER the diaper when traveling. Less smell, less accident.
Keep all washed baby bottles and nipples, etc, in ziplocks. That way you can handle them in the bag and put em together even if your hands are covered in toxic materials that won't wash off. Or in viruses and bacteria.
Rice flakes in the formula the moment baby can finish an 8oz bottle in one go.
Never give baby more than 3oz per half hour... Asphyxia and bloating can kill baby.
Old old blankets from that lady with the cats are safer than ANYTHING new from the store... and they're often free.
If you're close enough to touch you aren't important, if you're too far to piss on you still aren't important. 2 to 4 foot range for talking to baby.
TV does not teach, music does not educate, food does not nourish. Be your kid's entertainment by doing things in front of them. If they stop paying attention quickly, be the ONLY thing in front of them.

If your wife tells you different... yell "bullshiat" loud enough to get evicted.


And stop smoking, drinking and doping up. Things you simply can't taste or smell due to these habits can poison your child anyway.

Double stick tape on the legs of the crib.
No bumper, weave long scarves in and out and tie em onto the side.
Floor lamps, no overhead light used in the room.
Always take all toys out of their mouth, always, every time, all day, constantly.
Stop drinking caffeine now. Caffeine makes you yell when the baby is crying.
 
2013-01-08 05:39:27 AM
Protect the mother of your child from the 'Mommy Mafia.' Women carry the high school clique mentality into motherhood along with all the personal judgement, insecurity and group think. The Mafia will try and influence breastfeeding, education, what activities your kid should do, along with all the other minutia of raising a child. Try and keep your SO shielded from this by constantly reminding her that she is a good mother... and Fark those snotty know-it-all mommy biatches.
 
2013-01-08 06:19:37 AM

prjindigo: Rice flakes in the formula the moment baby can finish an 8oz bottle in one go.


That, in spades. Also the lamp idea. Glare from overhead lights upsets them. Me too, for that matter.
 
2013-01-08 06:39:35 AM
Read one of the hundred Fark threads over the last five years on this exact same topic.
 
2013-01-08 06:44:58 AM
Try to live in the moment and pay attention. Maybe even keep a little journal. Remember.

They grow up SO FAST.
 
2013-01-08 06:51:30 AM
Stop visiting Fark.com
 
2013-01-08 07:05:39 AM
SLEEP WHEN THE KID SLEEPS. Trust me on this.

Oh, and beware the poop fountain. No one warned me about that.
 
2013-01-08 07:25:20 AM

RexTalionis: Congratulations. Don't fark up.


No.

Accept the fact that you *WILL* fark up. Then, when you do fark up, admit to it instead of trying to rationalize it or blame others.

My best advice is to not just be a father, also be a dad. Sound vague? You'll figure it out. It's a growth and learning experience for you as well as your child.

As for practical advice, even before your child can talk, read to him or her every single day, and keep doing it until the child can start reading on their own. Every moment is a potential teaching moment, don't waste them. This is the reason for my advice above.

Remember that the education of your child is ultimately your responsibility. That education isn't just ABCs and 123s, it's also how to handle conflict and how to handle yourself in public. Do *NOT* let others handle that for you, take an active role.
 
2013-01-08 07:26:05 AM
www.lolbrary.com
/subby should have known better than to ask on Fark. No sympathy.
 
2013-01-08 07:34:21 AM

Blushing Wall Flower: sarahthustra: give the kid  name that doesn't suck.

I like the name Garth.


That's Lord Garth.
 
2013-01-08 07:40:41 AM
Be their father, not their friend.
 
2013-01-08 07:44:14 AM
The diaper goes on the bottom half
 
2013-01-08 07:48:14 AM

Sneakytoes: Tom_Slick: Tom_Slick: The Evil That Lies In The Hearts Of Men: Baby girl: Wipe from front to back.

This, So Much this, oh and be prepared for diaper explosions at the most inopportune times, i.e. 5 minutes after you changed a wet diaper and put her in a car seat for a 2 hour ride to grandma's house, there are good times for diaper explosions i.e. 5 minutes after you have handed her to grandma, seriously your mother will think it is cute and rush off to change her before you can say "mom give her back I will take care of it"

OTOH, frequent diaper explosions over a long period of time can indicate a problem.  Mine came down with ulcerative colitis when she was nine.

/was hosing her down in the back yard when the WTC got hit


That's a hell of a diaper explosion!
 
2013-01-08 07:51:38 AM
Congrats, soon to be Dad. The best advice I was given was from my mom- "All you *really* need are food and diapers." It's so true. Second runner up would be- "Sleep when the baby sleeps." Another pearl of wisdom from mom, when I was wringing my hands over potty training- "I've never met an adult who hadn't learned to use the bathroom."

I had no baby care experience when I brought my oldest son home from the hospital. I just did what felt right, managed fine, and didn't eff up and kill him. He's 21 now.
 
pc
2013-01-08 07:53:57 AM
Sleep.
A lot.
While you can.
 
2013-01-08 07:54:57 AM
If you don't have 500 bucks get a loan...
 
2013-01-08 08:07:32 AM
Likewise. Hope yours goes smoothly.
 
2013-01-08 08:10:24 AM

Donnchadha: platkat: Wait until he's at least five or six before his first tattoo.

Is that months or weeks?


Minutes.
 
2013-01-08 08:18:59 AM
img.photobucket.com
 
2013-01-08 08:29:32 AM
1. If your boy grows up with the ability to treat women well without being a doormat you won't have to worry about him choosing poor relationships and nothing jeopardize manhood worse than a bad relationship.

2. Academic fundamentals; reading, writing and arithmetic - and, not "or." Don't buy in to the idea that your boy is good at some things, poor at others and should focus only on what people tell him he is good at; there are plenty of people out there who are much better thinkers than they have been lead to believe. There is a reason colleges and universities call them "schools of Arts and Sciences;" we are meant to know algebra and literature, geometry and composition, physics and philosophy.

3. Catch. Hoops. Kick around. Pig-skin toss. Tennis. Video-games are fun as hell but pushing a bunch of buttons all day long doesn't really accomplish anything. Having a wicked jump-shot, a deceptive second serve or pin-point accuracy in any sport lasts much longer and feels infinitely better than being the neighborhood champ at Halo. I've long forgotten every video game I could whup any three people at at any moment but I remember many more aces, goals, go-routes and outs-at-first.

4. You are the King, Mom is the Queen, then that makes your son a Prince. A Prince should feel that the castle is his home as well; these things are called the "family" car, the "family" room and the "family" dog for a reason. Pride of ownership can be instilled at a young age and if your Prince understands that the castle is partly his, he'll take an active role in helping you run it, clean it, keep it safe and later on perhaps even building more of it.

5. A skill; HVAC, plumbing, automotive, carpentry - often even a basic understanding of any of these can keep your son from reaching for his wallet as the first option to solve any problem.

.... and Cheerios, standard yellow box, plain, with chopped bananas.
 
2013-01-08 08:31:58 AM

White_Scarf_Syndrome: You guys...I'm so torn after reading all of this.

I'm a single Dad.

I don't know what the fark I am doing and I need help for my brains.

The only true love I'll defend to the death was when the three of us hugged and were close. No one can ever take that away from me.


Remember Ben Kenobi's advice to Luke when he was practicing his laser sabre skills on the Millenium Falcon. Use your instinct. Let the Force flow through you.

And when that doesn't work, ask for help. Either a neighbor/relative/coworker who you trust, or your area may have a toll-free Parents hot-line. I've called it multiple time to get tips and tricks to deal with small stuff like bedtime warfare or how to explain to a three-year-old that Mommy is in the hospital and that your brother arrived too early and he'll stay at the hospital for a while.
 
2013-01-08 08:36:33 AM
Get a bigger house for all the baby stuff: swing, pack n play, bouncer, bungee cord thing, kick in' coaster, bumpo chair and other random toys. My long coveted workout room is full of baby crap. Out of all those things, my baby only likes the bumpo and bouncer. Craigslist is your best friend.
 
2013-01-08 08:39:55 AM
Congratulations!
Kids make life worth living. Make sure that when you threaten them with punishment, you follow through. If you don't do what you say, you will lose the ability to discipline and you will lose their respect.
 
2013-01-08 08:40:11 AM
Take lots of pictures and video.

Don't get into the whole "I changed the last diaper, so it's your turn this time" thing with your spouse. If you detect that a diaper needs changing, change it. Even if you end up changing more of them. Trust me, this will be a huge boost to matrimonial harmony.

Don't let the la leche Nazis make you feel guilty if you decide to bottle feed. Your child will do just fine on formula.

If your baby is having a particularly rough night and is waking up every 45 minutes, don't alternate who gets up but rather split the night into two shifts. That way you each get at least a good half a night's sleep. If necessary, the "off-duty" parent should go sleep in the guest room to avoid being disturbed when the "on-duty" parent gets up.

Get comfortable taking your baby outside the house (e.g. the mall) on your own. Give your spouse a break every now & then. Plus, you'll get lots & lots of attention from attractive women when you do.
 
2013-01-08 08:42:16 AM
Father of three (now grown) children. Here are a few things I've learned:
1. They're tougher than you think. Yes, it hurts when a kid trips and hits the corner of the coffee table, but the kid will survive. They're pretty bouncy.
2. If they're crying, they're still breathing. Handle the situation calmly.
3. Things will happen that Mom DOES NOT need to find out about. Don't be embarassed to say, "Let's not tell mom about this."
4. Do NOT have more than two under the age of five. It's bad enough to be outnumbered by the kids, but it's worse when you have to try to do anything without having the second parent there. With three little ones, it's nearly impossible to go to any store or event with only one parent.
 
2013-01-08 08:43:34 AM
GET THE VASECTOMY NOW. Not three more kids down the road. And remember: it's down the road NOT across the street!
 
2013-01-08 08:45:01 AM
Fark answer on:

pregnancy brain will make your baby's momma ultra stupid for a couple of weeks. Use the window to finagle the three-way you've always wanted before she gets too fat.

also that life you have... you're going to want to put that into storage for a couple of decades. you won't be needing it.

Fark answer off:


Useful answer on:

Start lining up babysitters now. look for 15-20yr old girls with slightly younger sisters so they can take over when big sis quits babysitting. After the initial chaos of the baby plan regular nights out with the wife unit. expect that the first couple will be a right-off because she'll be constantly worried about the baby.

also that life you have... you're going to want to put that into storage for a couple of decades. you won't be needing it.

\\some things are true, even on Fark

Useful answer off
 
2013-01-08 08:47:19 AM
Can't think of anything snarky so 2 things:

1 - Tell them that you love them often, don't assume they know it (they don't0

2 - You can't make them be anything, so help them be the best whatever they end up being.
 
2013-01-08 08:47:31 AM
Mommas milk fountains start flowing; add some to your coffee, best coffee you'll ever drink.
 
2013-01-08 09:16:43 AM

Ceteris Paribus says: I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me. I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up. She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.


Ceteris 10 or so years later:
"So it was after curfew and I went looking for my daughter at the local submarine races. She was in the backseat with some guy and didn't see me, but when she heard my voice "DAMMIT TORI!" she yelled "IT'S MY DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE" and the kid took off running. The joke's on him though, he left his wallet in his pants!
 
2013-01-08 09:17:24 AM

Committee_For_Aesthetic_Deletions: 2. If they're crying, they're still breathing. Handle the situation calmly.


You'd be surprised how many don't understand that for adults as well -- mostly, if they're coughing a lung out, they aren't choking.

You only do the Heimlich when they STOP coughing -- also, learn the baby Heimlich, it's not quite the same as the adult version.
 
2013-01-08 09:20:39 AM

Donnchadha: TheSignPost: Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.

Terrible.

Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.

I thought formula poop was the worst -- anecdotally, that is -- no first hand experience in any of those matters.


Food is worst, but soy formula is distinctly unpleasant, too.

Breastmilk poos are completely inoffensive in comparison.
 
2013-01-08 09:24:18 AM
1) Have another; having a sibling to play with on cold/rainy days is the best way to occupy their time. They'll also have each others back in life.

2) Avoid the drool! If they have a cold, it'll knock you out for a week.

3) Table manners - get on him/her early and often.

4) From time to time, just sit back and watch. It's fun.

5) Don't let him/her sleep in your bed, breaking that habit is a pain.

6) Breast milk is tasty, you know what to do.
 
2013-01-08 09:25:35 AM
Cuddle them. You won't be able to forever.

Mine like to sit on my lap and I nestle their head under my chin and I hum or read to them. Something about the vibrations gets to them and relaxes them.


Aside from the screaming and lack of sleep for the 8 months I have to say: Having kids has been the most fun and interesting thing ever.

EVER.
 
2013-01-08 09:29:08 AM
When he's eight years old and accidentally sets fire to the living room rug... go easy on him.
 
2013-01-08 09:30:39 AM
Congrats-

If its a boy, you only have to worry about one dick, if its a girl, you have to worry about every other dick in the world.
 
2013-01-08 09:34:46 AM

dj_spanmaster: When he's eight years old and accidentally sets fire to the living room rug... go easy on him.


That's heavy, man...
 
2013-01-08 09:35:24 AM
Do what she says around the house or else prepare to die.
 
2013-01-08 09:38:32 AM
Guys and gals, also the submitter, I must extend a huge

britscollegebound.files.wordpress.com

Mrs. Croesius and I are expecting our first two in April, just recently found out that both twins are boys. I have the most recent thread bookmarked (involving "crotch fruit" in the headline) as well as this one and have read every post. Lots of varied food for thought, some worthwhile, some asinine, but I just wanted to say I appreciate all these tidbits.

Anyone got any particular advice for two twin boys?
 
2013-01-08 09:49:07 AM
If the baby has colic, Gripe Water is your friend, Also, if you wife/gf/so is nursing, no green vegetables.

Also, If you don't have a TiVo, then you won't get to watch sports for like 2 or 3 years.

If the baby is a girl, pre-emptively go to Babies R Us and buy a black diaper bag/backpack. Otherwise, you will carry around a bright pink Hello Kitty backpack for 2-3 years. Not a big deal, but can be circumvented.

Baby Bottle bags (with the icepack inside) are encouraged, as they also make an excellent two-beer cooler later on.
 
2013-01-08 10:04:55 AM
Patience and understanding.
 
2013-01-08 10:21:03 AM
1. Being with your loved one as she gives birth is an amazing and wonderful thing, but be prepared for angry things to be said at you & for the afterbirth, a rather disgusting discharge of uterine stuff (think of it aas the baby's luggage) that happens after the baby is born. However, you will regret it if you miss it & not regret it if you are there for it.

2. Work it out with your loved one that you will take shifts regarding late-night feedings and other attendance. An inequitable distribution of baby labor and sleep allowance will cause untold resentment. BOTH of you need sleep, so help each other out.

3. The baby won't give you much feedback (i.e., smiles, giggles, etc.) for the first couple months, but don't take that personally.

4. At Starbucks and certain other coffee joints, they will warm bottles that you bring with you. So you can have the caffeine you desperately need & the baby can have a warm bottle.

5. Things you will be thankful you bought: a vibrating baby chair, a diaper genie (unless you go the reusable diaper route), lullabye CDs, an audio-only baby monitor, a Baby bjorn or a baby sling, and a DVR or TiVo.
Things you will wonder why you bought since they never got used: an electric bottle warmer and a baby monitor with video capacity (the sound of your baby crying is enough and, more importantly, you don't want to broadcast a signal of when you are home/not home to anyone outside your house with a receiver.)

6. IF you can get away with never using pacifiers, do it, but don't consider yourself a failure if you can't (same goes for disposable diapers.)

I'm sure I have more, but I'll have to refresh my memory (my sons are 8 and 2 now.) :) Congratulations!!!
 
2013-01-08 10:38:07 AM
Sleep now.

Seriously.

Sleep.
Now.
 
2013-01-08 10:47:57 AM
For the love of god, please teach your offspring to have some manners and be a decent person.

/Too many brats running around these days
 
2013-01-08 10:54:41 AM
Welcome to the multiple birth club!
This worked for us: Controlled Crying
 
2013-01-08 10:58:09 AM
If he can't tell when you're lying by the time he's 6, figure he's retarded.

/obscure?
 
2013-01-08 11:00:14 AM
Remember that, by definition, you come from a long, perfectly unbroken streak of ancestors who, through the ages, have successfully produced and raised children to the point that they could also successfully reproduce. It's in your genetics to be a successful parent.
 
2013-01-08 11:05:53 AM
croesius -

used to babysit for a set of boys - angelic to behold and as ornery as racoons

1- do not bother buying new clothes - this includes school uniforms if you go that path
2 - if you want them to be polite, be polite - use "please" and "thank you" - esp once they pass the new baby phase......"I apologize" as well
4 - mrs croesius will be outnumbered - make sure they respect her and try not to list her faults in anger in front of them
5 - you are also outnumbered - treat them like individuals - take each alone on occasion
6 - some twins don't have that "special magical bond" and will engage in battles royal - remind them when you can they will have each other for a long time
7 - buy at least one large plastic storage container and keep a modest supply of "junk" food in it - chips, crackers, granola - healthy boys reach a two-for stage: lots of friends you will want to meet/ have over and unending abilities to eat and burn calories - buy non perishables on sale and stash for that "hey, mom/dad? our friends mike, billy, tom, ralph and tj are here - is that ok?"
8 - if you have a yard of your own? buy a tent - use it for fun and profit outside while mom recoups inside

good luck
 
2013-01-08 11:18:35 AM

GaperKiller: Right there with you, subby. We're due July 4th.

*fistbump*

pick their fark handle now


July 14 here. Cant wait for my wiife to be huge and angry in the middle of summer.
 
2013-01-08 11:21:21 AM

CoronaMikl: Just wait until they are six and yell at you from the top of the stairs "I hate you and hope you die. But first can you drive me to the mall?"


Thats one pissed off kindergartener with a cinnibun jones.
 
2013-01-08 11:22:43 AM

preybyemail: CoronaMikl: Just wait until they are six and yell at you from the top of the stairs "I hate you and hope you die. But first can you drive me to the mall?"

Thats one pissed off kindergartener with a cinnibun jones.


What do you think makes the icing so good? Crack for color, heroin for texture.
 
2013-01-08 11:32:48 AM
Go out for a meal, and each and every time you have a meal at home, enjoy each other's company and the moments of contented silence.


Nobody tells you this.
 
2013-01-08 11:51:53 AM

Donnchadha: dj_spanmaster: When he's eight years old and accidentally sets fire to the living room rug... go easy on him.

That's heavy, man...


Weight has nothing to do with it.
 
2013-01-08 12:07:58 PM

bigtommyg: 1.) Hoping you're married to/cohabiting with the mother, my main advice is to prepare HARDCORE for the first three months. Everything goes much, much better if you have a cooperative plan for that time period and execute it from the start.

2.) On the same lines, DO NOT be afraid to incorporate your in-laws in that plan if they and your wife are willing. Few of us are big fans of the mother-in-law, but having her around is a calming influence and valuable learning tool for your wife if they have a good relationship. If you absolutely cannot handle her then have her around when you are at work or, if you take time off too, use that time to go shopping for baby supplies/groceries/whatever else is plausibly necessary and allows you to leave the house.

3.) Expect absolutely nothing of your partner for the next 6 months-1 year. Giving birth wipes women's brain clean. She will leave stuff in weird places, forget what day it is, get behind on her share of the chores, etc. Mommy Brain is real and near-universal and you need to be understanding and tolerant.

4.) Expect less than nothing from your partner for 6 weeks after delivery. She just had her vagina torn open, possibly had her taint cut off during delivery, lost tons of blood, lost tons of female hormones, and is adjusting to a little thing that can only communicate in screams suckling at her bewbs every two hours. She'll get back to the sexy sex. Trust me.

5.) Make normal household noise while your infant sleeps. If people are over, talk at normal volumes. Watch TV at NORMAL volumes. Walk around, clean, etc. At this point s/he is going to sleep anyway because when you've been floating in goo for nine months just being awake is exhausting enough. Get him/her used to sleeping through normal noise now and s/he'll be able to do the same when being awake becomes more interesting at around the 4-6 month mark--and likely thereafter.

6.) That thing I said about talking if people come over? Tell people NOW not to come over. Except for grandparents, people aren't coming over to help. They're coming over to see the widdle biddy bubba baby bumper and that's it. And the only people you need over right now, are people who will help in other ways too, like washing dishes/bottles or bringing food.

7.) Tell grandparents NOW that when they visit early on, you really need them to help DO things other than holdthe widdle biddy bubba baby bumper. If they get pissy then they become subject to Rule 6 because they are just stereotypical Baby Boomers and not real grandparents.

8.) YOU CAN'T "SPOIL" AN INFANT." An infant is a helpless little creature that depends on your for every physical and emotional need. When an infant cries there is a REASON and it is your duty to address it. Discipline and spoilation starts when your child can meet a particular need on its own, or when it whines over non-needs (e.g. "THAT toy, not this one"). You will know that time when it comes. For now, lots of holding/cuddling, and when it cries immediately check the diaper, then offer the bottle, then rock a while and put to bed. That covers about all the needs and thus all your necessary reactions.

9.) Chronicle everything. You may feel like you're taking too many pics, but you will never complain about HAVING too many pics.

10.) CONGRATULATIONS! Babies are GOOD THINGS despite the protestations of probably 200 of the 220+ comments I didn't even bother to read before I posted.


Good show man. Great advice.

Alot of people dont have kids, and take every opportunity to tell folks how awful something they dont have is.
 
2013-01-08 12:16:39 PM

Dwangerous: My advice is to go easy on the Facebook pictures it's OK in small doses but nobody needs to see every damn thing your kid does that you feel is remotely cute.


People do that for themselves and close family. Im sure i couldnt give two shiats if one of my friends thinks i post to many baby pics. Anyone force you to read a facebookk page at gunpoint lately?
 
2013-01-08 12:16:58 PM

FozzyNOK: Just as all my children the second they were cleaned up and handed to me, I told them that I would do everything in my power to protect them and I would love them forever... I wrote them a letter of the times that they were born, Sadly, I predicted the end of my first born. He was a protector, a hater of bullies and was a lover of history... RIP SPC Micheal "Pokey" Phillips.. the world someday may see you again, may you live in peace in the next one.


You have my deepest sympathies. I can't imagine your grief. If he were here, I'd thank him for his service. So, in lieu, thank YOU.
 
2013-01-08 12:23:31 PM
I'd like to say congratulations and just do your best and enjoy, treasure every moment, take lots of videos and photos and memento's and BACK them up. just do your best. be honest and no idea if this is appropriate but remember there is no such thing as woman's jobs or men's jobs when raising a child, there is a parents job and everyone else is how i look at it. currently helping raise my 2 year old grandson.

best of all enjoy.
 
2013-01-08 12:46:47 PM

bdhobbs:
Baby Bottle bags (with the icepack inside) are encouraged, as they also make an excellent two-beer cooler later on.


There is much wisdom in this post.
I will add: On the "daddy's day out with the baby" it becomes a "one for you, one for me" cooler. Bottle of formula/ bewb milk for the baby, bottle of beer for daddy. Great for ballgames, zoos museums, whatever. Put the formula bottle on top, wrap the beer bottle in a white trashbag/grocery bag. They see the top one never see/suspect the bottom one is anything out of the ordinary.
 
2013-01-08 12:58:51 PM
Follow through on your discipline. Be patient. Try never to use pacifiers. When it's time to have baby sleep in it's own room, start that process on a Fri night--and be firm with the not jumping up everytime it cries for you guys. Read to it every day from day one, and be prepared to read the same damn thing 5x a day. Also, at one point, you will feel like they ask you 10,000 questions a day, sometimes endless repeats. Also also, talk like a normal human being to it, not that baby gibberish shiat. All your hard work will pay off in the long term. You will sleep again.

/proud single dad with full custody for 16/18 years of one son.
//tough times
///good times
 
2013-01-08 01:02:25 PM
Shortly after I got married, my grandfather's wife (no, she's not my grandmother) decided to purchase a baby book for my wife and I. You know, despite the fact that we told the family that we weren't planning on having any kids for at least a couple of years. The book is from 1979, and full of hilarious inaccuracies.  Some things can be excused just because it is so old; for example, yes, we do have a chicken pox vaccine now, so I can forgive the book for claiming that there's nothing you can really do when you kid gets chicken pox.  Other things, however, are just fantastically wrong:

Here's how to get in touch with and gain "unconscious body knowledge" of your unborn child:
s13.postimage.org
If your child has something in their eye, here's how to stick something sharp near your kid's eyes so you can roll back their eyelid to can see if there's anything in there:
s2.postimage.org
Here's how to give your baby CPR.  You know, just in case you wanted to cave in their chest cavity. Your kid didn't need those lungs.
s2.postimage.org
And my favorite: here's how to tell if you child might be psychic. Psychic!
s14.postimage.org
 
2013-01-08 01:20:34 PM
A few things I've learned, or what they're worth.

1. It's no longer about you.

2. The first 6-9 months will make you mostly insane due to lack of sleep. Few new parents are prepared for just how little sleep they will get. Get your support network in place now. You'll need to be able to have friends/family come by and watch your little one so *you* can get some sleep.

3. You and your partner are going to be exhausted and pissy, a lot. You will likely take this out on each other. This will pass, but you need to be good at remembering that you are just tired and this phase will end soon.

4. Do you have nice furniture and clothes? Put them in storage. When you hold your infant before going to work, cover yourself with a receiving blanket as they will usually find a way to paint you with formula.

5. On baby-proofing. Think about the last time you came home really drunk. What did you bump into or hurt yourself on? Find those things and remove them or pad them.

6. Your kid will get bumps and bruises. It's going to happen and no, you probably aren't a bad parent because of it.

7. Infants are a lot of work and will tax your patience. Fortunately it gets a lot more challenging once they turn into toddlers and learn to walk, climb, and say "No."

Good luck!
 
2013-01-08 01:21:59 PM
Being with your loved one as she/he/it gives birth through their ass is an amazing and wonderful thing, but be prepared for "fun" things to be said at you & for the afterbirth, a rather interesting discharge of uterine stuff (think of it as the baby's ass luggage) that happens after the baby is born. However, you will not regret it if you are not there for it. Her twat will be permanently stretched out afterwards and cumming in her will be like cumming in a hallway.

Work it out with your loved one that you will NOT take shifts regarding late-night feedings and other attendance as you are the bread-winner, Winrar is YOU. An inequitable distribution of baby labor and sleep allowance is what you need.

The baby won't give you much feedback (i.e., smiles, giggles, shiatting, etc.) for the first couple months, but feel free to take that personally.

At Starbucks and certain other coffee joints, they will warm bottles of booze that you bring with you. So you can have the alcohol you desperately need & the baby can have a warm bottle, too!

Things you will be thankful you bought: a vibrating pussy, a diaper genie (unless you go the eat the diaper like it's Indian food route), lullabye CDs, an audio-only baby monitor, a baby sling to hang it by it's neck, and a DVR or TiVo.
 
2013-01-08 01:36:42 PM

rotsky: During labor and delivery, position yourself in such a way that you can help and support your wife. Do it in such a way that you don't actually see the baby coming out. There's nothing to be seen there that can't be unseen. Trust me.

Wait until the doctors clean everything up.


Omg you are so damn right I'm still scarred for life you can NEVER EVER EVER un see that stay away for the love of God
 
2013-01-08 01:46:34 PM

preybyemail: Dwangerous: My advice is to go easy on the Facebook pictures it's OK in small doses but nobody needs to see every damn thing your kid does that you feel is remotely cute.

People do that for themselves and close family. Im sure i couldnt give two shiats if one of my friends thinks i post to many baby pics. Anyone force you to read a facebookk page at gunpoint lately?


My general advice is let people ask to see pictures -- it doesn't matter what of. It's okay to say "Hey, I have pictures of X if you want to see them" but I don't want to be ambushed by a 50 picture slideshow of your baby, or your backyard or your trip to Tibet. I don't care if you think I can just scroll past or not click if I don't want to -- tact states that you don't publicly broadcast your personal business to everybody in the tri-county area just because you feel like it.
 
2013-01-08 01:49:38 PM

Donnchadha: preybyemail: Dwangerous: My advice is to go easy on the Facebook pictures it's OK in small doses but nobody needs to see every damn thing your kid does that you feel is remotely cute.

People do that for themselves and close family. Im sure i couldnt give two shiats if one of my friends thinks i post to many baby pics. Anyone force you to read a facebookk page at gunpoint lately?

My general advice is let people ask to see pictures -- it doesn't matter what of. It's okay to say "Hey, I have pictures of X if you want to see them" but I don't want to be ambushed by a 50 picture slideshow of your baby, or your backyard or your trip to Tibet. I don't care if you think I can just scroll past or not click if I don't want to -- tact states that you don't publicly broadcast your personal business to everybody in the tri-county area just because you feel like it.


Facebook was not built with tact in mind.
 
2013-01-08 01:56:10 PM

bk3k: Have an abortion Subby


Would have been sound advice to your mom, what, fifteen years or so ago?
 
2013-01-08 02:23:36 PM

azmoviez: Can't figure out HTML on the mobile app but this article is super important so you don't go mad reading to your child:

http://m.deadspin.com/5889376/if-you-give-a-mouse-a-cookie-youre-fark e d-10-tips-for-avoiding-terrible-childrens-books

Oh and scheduling our kids sleep (Baby Wise) was the best. She slept through the night at 8 weeks.


Funny omission in that commentary: sure, reading kids books is boring, but so is being read to. That's the big source of fidgety kids.

If you're not talking about the book as you go along, you're doing it wrong.

\Some books now have questions for the parents to ask in smaller font at the bottom of the page as a cue to do this.
 
2013-01-08 02:45:58 PM
One piece of advice that I never hear, but take it from me as a foster parent, it matters: If momma is on drugs (especially recreational ones), no breast feeding.

Breast feeding is absolutely the way to go normally, but you don't want to have put up with a baby who is crying all night because mommy was snorting cocaine.

/Happened to foster child we had.
//After the first night in our care, her "colic" magically disappeared.
///First night really sucked, though.
 
2013-01-08 03:55:06 PM
Be careful when picking up your child. At some point in their development, depending on their height, you WILL get kicked in the balls.
 
2013-01-08 03:58:30 PM

henryhill: Read one of the hundred Fark threads over the last five years on this exact same topic.


Almost like this cycle of birth and life continue regardless of how entertained you are personally!
 
2013-01-08 04:31:35 PM

rotsky: During labor and delivery, position yourself in such a way that you can help and support your wife. Do it in such a way that you don't actually see the baby coming out. There's nothing to be seen there that can't be unseen. Trust me.

Wait until the doctors clean everything up.


THIS..
Do not look down there.
/I still remember looking after my first came out.
//Looked like a grenade went off down there.
 
2013-01-08 04:53:39 PM
1) Go around your house now and break everything you like. Its easier to get over it if it all happens at once.

2) Buy a good steam cleaner.

3) Crawl around your house on your hands and knees and move anything that looks interesting.

4) Don't do everything for them. Your job is to prepare them to live on their own and take care of themselves.
 
2013-01-08 05:17:02 PM
Parenthood is the longest days, but the shortest years of your life.
 
2013-01-08 06:57:03 PM
Some good stuff in the midst of the usual snark. I only skimmed the comments and Any Pie Left is one that has a lot of useful stuff. Some of the book recommendations in other comments are good as well. I do have some to add as well.

Something that we were NEVER told is about gallstones and pancreatitus postpartum. It wasn't until six weeks after the birth that my wife was in so much pain that the gastroenterologist told us to go to the ER and then every doctor, including her OB/GYN that even did the damn delivery, friends, and family members said that this was textbook timing. OMGWTF people! Not a hit that this may be the problem; everyone was telling us her pain before the birth was her milk coming in and after the birth was that she was engorged and needed to feed or pump. So here's what you need to know.

Symptoms:
Pain right under her breasts that extend out to the back. This generally occurs after eating a meal, but sometimes a few hours later like in 2 AM. Early on the pain will last from a few minutes to maybe an hour. It will become more frequent and more painful progressively postpartum. Prenatal it may not be frequent and only happen a couple of times a month. After the birth when she was having an episode, feeding or pumping would cause her more pain. You're not engorged if there's a good latch with the baby or seal with a pump and barely anything is coming out.

What's going on:
Apparently a lot of people have gallstones and never have a problem with it. Pregnancy can cause gallstones to form. Pregnancy will make ducts for the pancreas and gallbladder get larger because more stuff needs to flow through them. If there're gallstones, the increased diameter of the ducts will allow the gallstones to move further down and potentially clog the ducts; the clogging results in pain. Postpartum the ducts go back to their original size and the gallstones that have moved down will clog things up, not let the fluids that the pancreas and gallbladder make move and the pancreas starts to digest itself. My wife described the pain as worse than childbirth.

What to do:
Talk with your OB and find a great Gastroenterologist, preferably one that can do surgery or knows of someone really good that can do surgery and follow-up care. The OB/GYN my wife sees is a great doctor and knows his shiat, but he really slipped on the gallstone thing. It may be a good idea to research these doctors now even if nothing happens. Research this condition further to get info I've left out. Ask the Gastro Doc info on this condition. Check your insurance to see what they will cover. Thankfully my insurance was a $1000 deductible that was met with the birth and the two week stay at the hospital for the pancreas and gallbladder thing six weeks later was covered 100%.

CSB:
We mentioned this every time she went to see a doctor about anything and they all said that it was her milk coming in. After the birth they said she was engorged and should feed or pump; this would only cause her more pain. Finally one night we called the postpartum nurse hotline for our hospital and the nurse knew exactly what it was. She recommended that we talk with our gastroenterologist. We called their hotline and the on-call doc said to drop everything and go to the ER. Her lipase levels were literally off the scale; lipase levels should be like >85 or something and they just stop counting at 3000 which they did with her. All they could do was give her IV pain meds and nutrients while her lipase and amylase levels came back down to normal. She wasn't allowed to eat anything but ice chips in small quantities. Her pain was so high that morphine took the edge off for a few minutes and they put her on morphone pump (IV meds that are administered when the patient hits a button, but is will not provide a dose if at least 10min have not passed between doses. The button part is to make sure the patient is concise enough to push it instead of a regular drip that could cause them to stop breathing and die). After four days from being admitted, they were able to perform surgery to remove the gallbladder and gallstones. Her pancreas was still pissed off and forced her to stay in the hospital until she could keep down a pain pill and food. As a result of her pancreas trying to digest itself, she has sudocysts that need on the pancreas that need to either go away on their own (good) or form into one so that she can have a "procedure" (minor surgery) to connect a tube from the cyst to her stomach to drain and then another "procedure "(minor surgery) to remove the tube later (bad) with the possibility that she could get internal bleeding that would require emergency surgery (Fark) and potentially die (Ultra Fark).

If You live in Greater Atlanta:
Northside Hospital has the whole birthing thing down to a science. They have large roomy facilities. Our birthing room was huge and could have sat some extended family if we were wierd like that. They have a great nursing staff for the Women's Center. Do check out other hospitals and see what their facilities are like especially if they're more convenient. If you need to go to a hospital for anything else, DO NOT GO TO NORTHSIDE! Seriously, their nursing staff tried to kill my wife on more than one occasion. Had I not lived at the hospital with her and the in-laws taking care of the baby, they probably would have killed her. We complained twice to Patient Relations with no action on the first complaint and leaving them speechless on the second complaint; we were thankfully discharged the next day. Also, the surgeon was a general surgeon and didn't full understand her post-surgery care needs even though he acted like he did. Instead, go to Emory. Our Gastroenterologist is professional enough to refer us to a different doctor that is better suited to her condition and that doctor was just as professional to refer us to an even better doctor that suited her needs. She's now seeing a Doctor that's a professor at Emory University, teaches, and practices this subject. So far the cysts are getting smaller and if it continues, she won't need to be cut open again.

Other things not related to gallstones:
Be patient with her. Her hormones just went sideways on her and crazy new things are going to happen. She will cry for no reason. She will demand that the baby's room will be setup in three months. The house must be clean. The house must be baby proofed even though it will be a year at best before the kid can crawl. You'll make her favorite meal for dinner and she'll take one whiff of it and want to vomit. Things she loved, she will hate. Things she hate, she will love. Things will change 180 degrees every minute on some things. You will not have anything that smells good to eat so you will find yourself driving down the road with her window down and pulling over at the first restaurant that smells good. Work with her on what's reasonable.

DO rub her feet and legs every night. DO help her stand up and sit down. DO open and close the door for her (you should be doing this anyways). DO tell her every day that you love her and she's beautiful and mean it when you say it (you should be doing this anyways as well and it's more important than ever because now she's going to feel like a fat cow regardless of how skinny or fat she is). This pays dividends! She will be in less pain, less cranky, possibly more able to help with certain chores, and most importantly it will make the pregnancy easier for the both of you to deal with. You will get major brownie points with her family and be envied by other women. The OB expected my wife's feet to be at least twice as large as they were and said that we should keep up the rubbing. Giving my wife a hand to stand up and sit down during the hospital tour got all of the other men in trouble because the women took notice of my attentiveness to my wife. You two are in this together and you're going to need to share in the burden; the previous status quo is no more. Your part as the father has begun and now you will need to do more.

Start working on at least two boy names and two girl names especially if you don't know if you're having twins or more. Please don't name your kid Aiden or something that rhymes with it; I will tease you behind your back. Family and non-family are happy to tell you what you should name your kid; these unsolicited names should be ignored unless there's an actual suggestion that sparks your fancy. Also, people are quick to start making up nicknames and if you don't like them, tell them immediately. After a few corrections at the first family gathering, for us everyone got the hint or forgot and was use to the name we gave her. Don't change a name you pick just because a nurse in the birthing room has the same name or something silly like that. We picked out names years before our daughter came along and anyone that feels like it should be different or is incorrectly honored by it is promptly and politely shot down to be informed that we picked chose it three years ago and not because of their nonsense.

Find a good pediatrician. You'll be visiting them quite often. Make sure you have some decent insurance for this. I believe Obamacare dictates that checkups don't require a copay. Speaking of insurance, your insurance will need to include the kid after it is born. Be sure to get this done quickly after birth since you will be sleep deprived and not firing on all cylinders; mine gave us a 30 day grace period. They did require us to give her SSN for this insurance, but we didn't have one since it would take two months to get; talk with HR and the insurance about this and they'll probably have you put in some kind of placeholder. Since this is a life event, this will be a good time to setup a FSA if you don't have it.

Get your Pertussis (Tdap) vaccination now! Mommy should be getting it right after birth. If there will be any other family members handling the baby a lot, tell them that they need to be up to date on this vaccine as well. Talk to your insurance and see how they'll cover your vaccination. I expect that you won't have to pay anything if you go to the Dr.'s office and a nurse gives you a shot. My insurance wouldn't cover it if I went to a pharmacy to get the shot. Pertussis, aka whooping cough can be lethal to a baby and kids. To an adult it may just seem like a slight cough that lasts a day or more, but could be transmitted to your kid. It's called whooping cough because when a kid gets it, it sounds like nothing you've heard of before. Depending on the kid, you may think they have a demon in them.

Sign up and go to the classes on breast feeding, basic baby care, and birthing. Yes, even the breastfeeding because it is relevant to you. You will also learn essentials in the baby class like swaddling and changing a diaper and hopefully they'll give you the Happiest Baby On The Block DVD. If they don't, rent it. It's cheesy, but practice the core skills and you'll be able to quite down that screamer quickly.

Make sure that financially if you, your partner, or both die, things will be taken care of. I'm the sole provider for my family and if I die, I have setup life insurance policies to ensure that their basic needs will be met for a time. I wish I could have larger policies, but we can't afford it. Do put together wills for you and your partner so things are in place legally; you don't want your kid going to some craptastic foster home because you and the SO were killed and your family doesn't have the money for a good lawyer to get custody.

Have a baby registry at Target and Baby's R Us and maybe Walmart or Amazon. Don't bother with Buy Buy Baby; they're overpriced. Amazon can have good deals on things, but Baby stuff is hit and miss. I can get most baby things cheaper from the local Target after tax than Amazon before shipping. Check Kids.Woot everyday; we got some great toys and a Bjorn for cheap on there. If there's a Kid 2 Kid local, check them out for deals on new and used stuff; I live in middle to a little lower class area and the local one has worn out crap, but the one a few miles down the road in a more well to do area has deals on gently used stuff. Watch for deal and coupons on Carter's stuff at Target, Costco, Carters.com, and other local kids clothing areas; we don't buy the kid a whole new wardrobe when she outgrows something because she's always outgrowing things.

Speaking of outgrowing. One day our pediatrician told us to stop swaddling her and go to a sleep sack; this was two weeks after we dropped $40 on a larger set of swaddlers. Halo and some others make convertible saddlers and sleep sacks. I never used any of them since this was all a bit abrupt.

Breastfeed the kid. Studies have shown this has major benefits long term. I think that breastfeeding is the lazier way to do it anyways. Breast milk is ready while formula has to be prepared and that formula will cost a fortune and get everywhere. Get a breastpump. I recommend the Madela Pump In Style; Madela is used by the hospitals and the bag it makes keeping everything easy. As the dad, having pumped milk on hand while mom is out or taking a break is helpful. If you find that the kid spits up a lot, get Dr. Brown bottles; they help quite a bit with excess air, but that may not be your kids only problem. BTW, when you're home, wear something that is ok to get messed up because the kid will probably spit up on you at some point. Gerber cloth diapers make great spitup cloths and are cheap.

Be polite to people, but guard your baby like they have the plague until he/she gets the 6th month round of vaccinations. Seriously, you don't know what they have and the first six months the kid won't have a good enough immune system to fend off some minor stuff for adults like Pertussis, but lethal to the kid. You don't know if they're up to date on their Tdap vaccination and they may not mention they've had slight cough. Most people are ignorant to how lethal some minor things can be and people that have raised kids don't always know or remember this. Just because someone is pregnant or how cute a kid is, that doesn't grant a free license to go all touchy on them whether one knows them or not. In a doctor's office or hospital it's even more dangerous and for some reason there're more people there that want to touch your kid.

In addition to keeping your kid safe from the infected masses, you need to get a car seat installed and inspected BEFORE the kid arrives! First, buy a new car seat. Don't get used unless you really trust the person you're buying it from, know for a fact that it has never been in an accident, and is within it's usage and age limits. It's better to get new to avoid all those risks. Research your seats thoroughly. I recommend finding a brand that has a system where the baby is in a carrier that can fit into a stroller and lock into a base that stays strapped in the car. This is especially useful if the kid will be transported in more than one car; bases can be $40-$60 and once they're in there and inspected, there's no need to worry. There're deals on these systems that include a compatible stroller. We presently use the Baby Trend line with their Flex-Loc system. I personally like the triangle handle on the carrier. They have kits that include the carrier, car seat base, and stroller for $150 at Target. Research your strollers as well. We kind of wish we got the kit that came with the jogging stroller since it can handle the sidewalks in our neighborhood better.

When you get the car seat, read the manual front to back and see if you can install it in your car in the middle seat in the back. Read your car's manual about whether the LATCH anchors can be used for the middle position or not. Don't use anything with the car seat unless it came with it or the car. Those seat saver mats are a load of BS and there is no regulations on crash tests for them; a company's definition of a crash test may be dropping the thing and seeing if it breaks or not. Also, those things for their head is a bad idea unless it came with the seat, in which case it was truly tested with the seat. After you've read the manual and tried to install the seat, call the local fire department and/or police station and see if they have a certified inspector and schedule a time. Go with the car, car manual, car seat, and car seat manual. Do this for each car including the grandparents if they'll be helping out at all.

Pay attention to what the inspector says and take notes if you have to. After we had our car done and the kid was born, the in-laws wanted to be able to look after her so they bought a base as well and we went with them to the inspection. The inspector loved that we had a live specimen instead of using their teddy bear and the grandparents got a good lesson on how secure the seat should be and how tight the straps should be. They got on my case before on how tight I made it for my kid, but that 5 point harness operates differently than regular seat belts and I'd rather my kid be a little more uncomfortable than ejected and dead.

Adjust the belts every time you put the kid in there and pay attention to when you need to move the straps or adjust the angle of the base. Also pay attention to your kids increasing weight and height. Once your kid outgrows one of the seat's limitations, it's time to upgrade. I recommend the Diono Radian RXT. You want your kid rear-facing for as long as possible and this seat is the only one so far that I've found that can do that. It's rated for up to 45lbs and 44 inches rear facing. Don't worry about their legs if they touch the car's seat; legs can bend and isn't as critical as the spine is. The regulations have changed within the last year on how long to keep the kid rear facing because of the number of kids that are paralyzed due to front facing too early.
 
2013-01-08 07:34:15 PM
During the birth, stay by her head and watch the machines that go beep. Under no circumstance should you give in to tempation and peek over the curtain.
 
2013-01-08 08:03:33 PM
But are you ready for children????

Test 1: Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.


Test 2: Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.


Test 3: Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.


Test 4: Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.


Test 5: Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.


Test 6: Going For a Walk

1. Wait.
2. Go out the front door.
3. Come back in again.
4. Go out.
5. Come back in again.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.


Test 7: Conversations with children

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.


Test 8: Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.


Test 9: Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.


Test 10: TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.


Test 11: Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.
5. Drag randomly items from one room to another room & leave them there.


Test 12: Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each 'Mummy'. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.


Test 13: Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.


Test 14: Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work


You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!
(credit: http://www.thebabablog.com/article/2012/10/03/steps-to-follow-before-y ou-decide-to-have-kids)
 
2013-01-08 08:44:56 PM
save a couple pairs of baby sneakers for the laundry (you'll go through dozens of pairs, trust me). throw 'em in the dryer with pillows or down-filled items. the sneakers will keep the stuff fluffy. also, 20 years from now, you'll be amazed that the kid actually used to fit in them with room to grow.
 
2013-01-08 09:10:10 PM
Lots of great advice here. I was fortunate to have been laid off when my daughter was 3mos old. I spent the next 4mos taking care of her while I searched for another job. The absolute best 4mos of my life and Im so glad it took me that long to secure employment again. I had a great time taking care of her, playing, watching her sleep, taking goofy photos/videos and just holding her for hours. It was pure enjoyment that I wish every dad could enjoy.

For the crying, at some point you will get frustrated/stressed that they will not stop. Well, the answer is you stop and walk away. Walk outside on the porch for 5 mins, take in the fresh air and relax. Repeat as needed. It certainly helped me, and yes being 2 feet from the front door is fine.

If you can find some, get a half or even a dozen of those washable diapers, they make great burping cloths and can soak up a lot of spit-up.
 
2013-01-08 09:22:53 PM

Donnchadha: preybyemail: Dwangerous: My advice is to go easy on the Facebook pictures it's OK in small doses but nobody needs to see every damn thing your kid does that you feel is remotely cute.

People do that for themselves and close family. Im sure i couldnt give two shiats if one of my friends thinks i post to many baby pics. Anyone force you to read a facebookk page at gunpoint lately?

My general advice is let people ask to see pictures -- it doesn't matter what of. It's okay to say "Hey, I have pictures of X if you want to see them" but I don't want to be ambushed by a 50 picture slideshow of your baby, or your backyard or your trip to Tibet. I don't care if you think I can just scroll past or not click if I don't want to -- tact states that you don't publicly broadcast your personal business to everybody in the tri-county area just because you feel like it.


Respectfully disagree. Im the last in a big circle of friends to have a kid. Ive been privy to baby madness for years now, but when it ccomes to pictures on line (seems like they post thousands) i can just scroll on by.
 
2013-01-08 09:27:30 PM
Go to the store for cigarettes and ice cream. Don't return. Start a new life. Wear a condom from now on.
 
2013-01-09 05:51:04 AM

preybyemail: abortion


31 years ago. If she had, I would not have had any complaints anyhow. Nor any opinion on anything or experiencing conscious thought even once. I would not have gained anything to start with, and therefore I would not have lost anything. So that would have been fine.

No I don't live in her basement either - before you ask. I live in my own trailer - just so you understand how classy and successful I am.
 
2013-01-09 05:51:57 AM

Trapper439: Learn some DIY home renovation skills.

[newsimg.bbc.co.uk image 466x468]


I LOLed
 
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