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(Fark)   Subby just found out he is going to be a father today. What sage advice/snark do you have for the future dad?   ( fark.com) divider line
    More: Spiffy  
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2316 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Jan 2013 at 9:28 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



571 Comments     (+0 »)
 
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2013-01-07 06:29:35 PM  
Congratulations. Don't fark up.
 
2013-01-07 06:29:55 PM  
blood test ...

/no, congrats
 
2013-01-07 06:29:56 PM  
You're going to be a father today? That's pretty short notice.
 
2013-01-07 06:30:25 PM  
Your kid is going to kill a bunch of people in a theater.

And that is all on you, amigo.

You f*cked up.
 
2013-01-07 06:31:10 PM  
If she has waited nine months to tell you, your in for a rough ride.
 
2013-01-07 06:31:46 PM  
Teach him how to throw
 
2013-01-07 06:31:47 PM  
Keep her off the pole.
 
2013-01-07 06:32:02 PM  
Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.
 
2013-01-07 06:32:22 PM  
I hope you find the priesthood very rewarding.
 
2013-01-07 06:32:30 PM  
Don't screw up!
 
2013-01-07 06:32:48 PM  
Dishsoap will get puke and poop out of most fabrics.
 
2013-01-07 06:33:20 PM  
Who found out first, you or Maury?
 
2013-01-07 06:34:02 PM  
When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.
 
2013-01-07 06:34:04 PM  
Buy a couple of sets of really small screw drivers:  Everything for children takes batteries and the battery doors are all secured by really small (in some cases hard to reach) screws.

S

This is a late parrot: Teach him how to throw


Seriously, start playing with your kids as soon as they are able.
 
2013-01-07 06:34:05 PM  
give the kid  name that doesn't suck.
 
2013-01-07 06:34:15 PM  
Congrats, subby!
I don't have any advice. Just don't forget to take care of you and your SO, and your relationship. And discipline that little brat, please for the sake of humanity.
 
2013-01-07 06:34:45 PM  
it sure takes a load off MY chest.
 
2013-01-07 06:34:57 PM  
Depending upon who I'd like to say congratulations , or get a paternity test, or have that thing aborted before you completely ruin yet another life you sick bastard.
 
2013-01-07 06:34:59 PM  

sarahthustra: give the kid  name that doesn't suck.


I like the name Garth.
 
2013-01-07 06:35:13 PM  
Congrats on the sex. Don't spend the gestation period kvetching about fatherhood. Just do it.
 
2013-01-07 06:36:03 PM  

Professor Wormbog: it sure takes a load off MY chest.


Who shot their load on your chest?
 
2013-01-07 06:36:13 PM  
/subby
 
2013-01-07 06:36:19 PM  
Have you told the mother yet? Or might it not be hers?
 
2013-01-07 06:36:34 PM  
Congrats!
 
2013-01-07 06:36:50 PM  
Feed it french fries from McDonalds every day during its first few months and gradually get him used to eating cheeseburgers. Wait until he's at least five or six before his first tattoo.
 
2013-01-07 06:37:12 PM  

AdolfOliverPanties: Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.


Seriously, I cannot stress this enough.
 
2013-01-07 06:37:19 PM  
Congrats, atticus!
 
2013-01-07 06:37:44 PM  

platkat: Wait until he's at least five or six before his first tattoo.


Is that months or weeks?
 
2013-01-07 06:37:48 PM  
The trick to parenthood is redundancy. You'll definitely screw the first one up and possibly the second, so you'll need to have at least two more.
 
2013-01-07 06:38:30 PM  
I bet your kid will be gay.
 
2013-01-07 06:38:43 PM  
Time to grow the fark up, snowflake.
 
2013-01-07 06:40:11 PM  
If you have a girl, you should definitely sign her up for beauty pageants as soon as she can walk. The pageant world will teach her positive life skills that she will use in the real world.
 
2013-01-07 06:40:14 PM  
You come here for advice...?

You're going to be a terrible father.
 
2013-01-07 06:40:25 PM  
You're going to make mistakes.  Try not to make too many, and don't kick your own ass too much- kids are resilient.
 
2013-01-07 06:40:26 PM  

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


Also, the poo doesn't stink for the first couple of days. After that, and I suggest a little Vick's under your nostrils.

Oh and the thing about the umbilical chord stump, too.
 
2013-01-07 06:40:32 PM  
Don't get too irritated at people saying "I bet it'll be a boy" or "I bet you're having a girl."  That's just what they do.

I even had one person say "I bet it'll be a hermaphrodite."  I just smiled weakly and said "thanks a lot, mom."
 
2013-01-07 06:41:40 PM  

Phletchengreuber: The trick to parenthood is redundancy. You'll definitely screw the first one up and possibly the second, so you'll need to have at least two more.


There is much uncomfortable truth here.
 
2013-01-07 06:41:56 PM  
that's so weird, because i was definitely thinking you probably SHOULD smell the umbilical cord stump. i mean it just sounds so tempting, how could you not?
 
2013-01-07 06:42:33 PM  
sage is overrated.  use less of it in your dressing.
 
2013-01-07 06:42:53 PM  
If you drop your kid, blame it on the dog.
 
2013-01-07 06:43:46 PM  

Professor Wormbog: that's so weird, because i was definitely thinking you probably SHOULD smell the umbilical cord stump. i mean it just sounds so tempting, how could you not?


You ever smell the result of a laser scapel on human skin?  It would make a starving vulture vomit.
 
DGS [TotalFark]
2013-01-07 06:44:06 PM  
Congrats!
 
2013-01-07 06:44:41 PM  

sarahthustra: sage is overrated.  use less of it in your dressing.


Sage goes in every field.


//well maybe not anymore, but it usta-did.
 
2013-01-07 06:46:46 PM  
for real this is one of the best advice i've come across and i try to apply it to my sister because it really doesnt matter if theyre your kid or just a family member.

youre going to get angry, youre going to get stressed and life is going to fark with you. we can tell when someone is feeling like this but kids always find a way to internalize it so:

no matter how angry you are, no matter how sad or overloaded you are dont let that be the face you greet your child with. if you hear them toddle/run/walk into the room make sure that they see you smile whenever you see them. let the face they see when they find you be one that says 'i'm glad to see you, you make me happy' not your worried about bills face.

kids are special. make sure you always seem happy to see them, no matter how hard it is to put your own problems aside
 
2013-01-07 06:46:51 PM  
Don't forget to eat the placenta!!
 
2013-01-07 06:49:17 PM  

Ponzholio: If you drop your kid, blame it on the dog.


we have a home video of my parents bathing my sister and you hear my dad freak out because he thinks my mom was about to drop her.

hah i just laughed. sometimes we just tell her she was dropped
 
2013-01-07 06:49:31 PM  

LlamaGirl: Don't forget to eat the placenta!!


That's the tastiest part!
 
2013-01-07 06:49:56 PM  

AdolfOliverPanties: AdolfOliverPanties: Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.

Seriously, I cannot stress this enough.


That's so weird. Why would you do that? And what did it smell like?
 
2013-01-07 06:50:30 PM  

sgt cyanide: kids are special.


I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.
 
2013-01-07 06:50:59 PM  
Well, congratulations to you Dad to be. I don't have any parenting advice -- what works for me might not work for you.

But I will say this - run interference for your wife when strangers ask to touch her belly. You just never know how that shiat's gonna go down. It's all about the hormone levels.
 
2013-01-07 06:51:41 PM  

Mrs.Sharpier: AdolfOliverPanties: AdolfOliverPanties: Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.

Seriously, I cannot stress this enough.

That's so weird. Why would you do that? And what did it smell like?


Rotted meat.  Death.  It smelled like what it was: dead flesh.
 
2013-01-07 06:52:38 PM  
WHY?
 
2013-01-07 06:52:57 PM  

Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.


see? theyre like puppies. only better because they can hug you and literally shake with excitement when they see you.

i've gotten to pick my sister up from school a few times. because its so rare she doesnt expect to see me so its fun to see her stop her friends mid sentence so she can run up to me. i have to remind her to say goodbye.

and also its funny how she doesnt seem embarrassed that her sister is old. she corrects them all casually like 'no this isnt my mom its my sister'
 
2013-01-07 06:54:46 PM  

sgt cyanide: Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.

see? theyre like puppies. only better because they can hug you and literally shake with excitement when they see you.

i've gotten to pick my sister up from school a few times. because its so rare she doesnt expect to see me so its fun to see her stop her friends mid sentence so she can run up to me. i have to remind her to say goodbye.

and also its funny how she doesnt seem embarrassed that her sister is old. she corrects them all casually like 'no this isnt my mom its my sister'


Tori introduced me to her friend Kavia, and then had to run back in and hug Kavia goodbye.  SO CUTE.
 
2013-01-07 06:55:29 PM  
During labor and delivery, position yourself in such a way that you can help and support your wife. Do it in such a way that you don't actually see the baby coming out. There's nothing to be seen there that can't be unseen. Trust me.

Wait until the doctors clean everything up.
 
2013-01-07 06:55:33 PM  
Then she an Jack argued in the car and I was this close to going Bill Cosby and saying NOBODY IS GOING TO TOUCH ANYBODY ELSE!!
 
2013-01-07 06:55:34 PM  
it's only a game. Let the kid enjoy it and stop worrying about his playing to his potential.
 
2013-01-07 06:58:30 PM  
You'll get a lot of unsolicited advice. As soon as you have a kid, suddenly everyone has a degree in childhood psychology. They all mean well, so don't take offence. There isn't time to make all the mistakes yourself.

Time off from parenting is crucial. Make dates with the mom. Enlist family members to babysit. Let the mom call ten times if she wants to. Feel no guilt.

Put the kid in the "cute special" outfits. Let them wear stuff out rather than outgrow it. Stains are like scars, they're proof that you had a good time at one point.

Likewise, a broken toy is proof that a kid loved it to death.

Oh, and their immune systems are way better than you think they are. Let them get dirty and don't fuss about what they eat.

Get them their shots.

Take a lot of pictures, but keep only the good shots.

Learn hand signs. Kids can talk before their mouths can handle speech.

You're always on point with late-night emergencies, bug and bird disposal, and checking the baby for life.

Oh right, learn CPR and First Aid. I've held certification since 1993. My daughter passed out once from a fit, she stopped breathing and passed out. I remember thinking "Okay mag, This Is It. How much FA do you know right now? Let's. Go." As soon as my cold hands touched her chest, she took a deep breath in.

Sorry, got on a roll there.

Oh, and keep her off the pole. That's your number one job.
 
2013-01-07 07:01:39 PM  

Mrs.Sharpier: WHY?


I don't know why I smelled it.  It popped off my daughter when I was changing her and I just...sniffed it.

Imagine taking a deep whiff in a room full of dead rats.
 
2013-01-07 07:02:55 PM  
Sleep. Sleep now because you will never again know the luxury of going to bed whenever you want.
 
2013-01-07 07:04:10 PM  

Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.


Aw, heck, I still do that.
 
2013-01-07 07:04:34 PM  

Ceteris Paribus says: Then she an Jack argued in the car and I was this close to going Bill Cosby and saying NOBODY IS GOING TO TOUCH ANYBODY ELSE!!


bahaha i just watched bill cosby on jimmy fallon. i forget how funny he is. and yes. kids are cute. i wish my little sister had better taste in boys. this quinn kid is... definitely not up to standard
 
2013-01-07 07:05:19 PM  
Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.

Terrible.

Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.
 
2013-01-07 07:06:01 PM  
As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.
 
2013-01-07 07:06:53 PM  

TheSignPost: Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.

Terrible.

Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.


i miss the I ONLY DRINK MILK AND EAT CAPN CRUNCH phase. she thought she could control the color of her poo.

i have to ask my mom if she put that in her baby book. 'mmm purple. no no no today green!'
 
2013-01-07 07:07:57 PM  

TheSignPost: Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.

Terrible.

Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.


I thought formula poop was the worst -- anecdotally, that is -- no first hand experience in any of those matters.
 
2013-01-07 07:08:12 PM  

Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.


the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird
 
2013-01-07 07:11:59 PM  

sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.

the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird


DAMMIT! My coworker just walked by as I was feeling the top of my head...
 
2013-01-07 07:12:00 PM  

sgt cyanide: Ceteris Paribus says: Then she an Jack argued in the car and I was this close to going Bill Cosby and saying NOBODY IS GOING TO TOUCH ANYBODY ELSE!!

bahaha i just watched bill cosby on jimmy fallon. i forget how funny he is. and yes. kids are cute. i wish my little sister had better taste in boys. this quinn kid is... definitely not up to standard


Last valentines day a little girl named Ainshu made my son a card.  We were out at dinner and I brought that up.  He got so instantly upset that he just fell out of his chair.  It was hysterically funny.
 
2013-01-07 07:12:16 PM  

sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.

the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird


I've drunkenly fallen and hit my head so many times, my head is full of soft spots.
 
2013-01-07 07:12:38 PM  

Ponzholio: sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.

the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird

DAMMIT! My coworker just walked by as I was feeling the top of my head...


She meant the one connected to your neck, man!
 
2013-01-07 07:14:46 PM  

Ceteris Paribus says: Ponzholio: sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.

the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird

DAMMIT! My coworker just walked by as I was feeling the top of my head...

She meant the one connected to your neck, man!


Oh... Well, I guess I'll have to clarify it was a miscommunication with HR tomorrow...
 
2013-01-07 07:21:04 PM  
Do not have sex with the baby.
 
2013-01-07 07:21:52 PM  

TheSignPost: Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.

Terrible.

Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.


Weird, I got Iron Stomach as a class feature. The only time I've puked in the last nine years was when I reacted really bad to some meds.

And I've had my daughter barf in my mouth (by accident). And one time she sneezed when I was changing her and poop went all over. Some... uh, some went in. :(

Oh, so there's some advice. Keep your mouth closed.
 
2013-01-07 07:28:38 PM  

Ponzholio: Oh... Well, I guess I'll have to clarify it was a miscommunication with HR tomorrow...


BUT COULD YOU FEEL IT?!
 
2013-01-07 07:40:11 PM  
you're getting ready to spend $250k over the next 17 yrs.

congrats
 
2013-01-07 07:52:01 PM  
Teenagers are not magically evil. Don't freak out. Yes, they're about to do stupid shiat, but they're not inherently malicious, they're still the same person they were yesterday. Just a bit dumber and more drama-prone. And they will really, really need you.

Overall, stay calm and make sure they know you love them, and it'll turn out okay.
 
2013-01-07 08:39:29 PM  
Don't make the mistake of lots of parents.  Your kid is not your best friend, he needs a parent, be a parent, not a friend.
 
2013-01-07 08:41:03 PM  
Have ONE and ONLY ONE child.

Seriously.. If you have one it's a fun hobby. Work yeah but good work.

BUT the work load when you add a second kid doesn't just double.. oh no. It increases by an order of magnitude. Let's use the term 'work unit' as a measure of the work you do when having a child. If a single child is 10 work units a day, two children are 75 work units a day..

No one ever listens to me on this, maybe you will be the first.
 
2013-01-07 08:41:40 PM  
Just let it go.
You are the father, not the mother. When the kid farks up, tell him/her. Yelling can get their attention, but keep it to a minimum. Most kids tune that shiat out, but do pay attention to a calm voice.
 
2013-01-07 08:59:02 PM  
Congrats!

When you go into the delivery room, bring a paper lunch bag filled with candies and mints - mom will appreciate them during labor. When the contractions start, and you feel a little woozy, you can rebreathe through the bag until it passes. Then, when she's having trouble pushing just that last bit, you can pop the paper bag loudly behind her head. She will appreciate it, trust me.

/seriously, though, congrats. Smile like an idiot for the next 8 months, then be totally baffled for the next 18-plus years. It's worked for me.
 
2013-01-07 09:00:48 PM  

sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: Oh... Well, I guess I'll have to clarify it was a miscommunication with HR tomorrow...

BUT COULD YOU FEEL IT?!


I found two Skittles.
 
2013-01-07 09:16:27 PM  

Rev.K: Sleep. Sleep now because you will never again know the luxury of going to bed whenever you want.


THIS

also, the first poop is black as tar and sqeezes out like toothpaste
 
2013-01-07 09:20:16 PM  
Whatever you think it will be like is wrong.

Other people's experience won't mean a lot to you. You'll do things your own way. Relax and enjoy it.

Congratulations.
 
2013-01-07 09:26:05 PM  
Subby, if you're anywhere near Philly (specifically the western suburbs) I have a crapload of infant stuff (stroller, car seats, ect) we don't need any longer. Email is not in profile, but is my fark handle @gmail.Goes for anyone else local who has a need, btw - Goodwill won't take them and I'm struggling to find a place to donate them where they'll be used
 
2013-01-07 09:29:51 PM  

stratagos: Subby, if you're anywhere near Philly (specifically the western suburbs) I have a crapload of infant stuff (stroller, car seats, ect) we don't need any longer. Email is not in profile, but is my fark handle @gmail.Goes for anyone else local who has a need, btw - Goodwill won't take them and I'm struggling to find a place to donate them where they'll be used


this went green.perhaps , in the future, you might consider not posting personal stuff like that.
Enjoy your inbox being flooded !
 
2013-01-07 09:30:21 PM  
Time flies so pay attention and don't miss it.
 
2013-01-07 09:30:32 PM  
You're unlikely to ever do anything more important. Just sayin'.

Put your kids' psyche/welfare above whatever trivial crap you're going through with their mother.

Don't take it personally, they're all like that.

Don't forget they'll still be your kid when their kid is the age you are now.

Your dad might start getting a lot smarter.
 
2013-01-07 09:30:40 PM  
Time to give up the TotalFark.
 
2013-01-07 09:31:11 PM  
Start drinking heavily.
 
2013-01-07 09:31:14 PM  
 
2013-01-07 09:31:33 PM  
Oh, and I'm available for babysitting when she turns 16
 
2013-01-07 09:31:46 PM  

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


word is my father found this out the hard way.
 
2013-01-07 09:32:49 PM  
Sleep now while you still have the chance.
 
2013-01-07 09:33:08 PM  
You about to welcome somebody into this world who shall, for the rest of your days, man more to you than your own life. Be honest, be firm, be kind.
 
2013-01-07 09:33:21 PM  
Sleep when the infant, baby, toddler sleeps. It's ok to have a messier-than-usual house for awhile.

/my third is due in two weeks
 
2013-01-07 09:33:28 PM  
scottystarnes.files.wordpress.com
 
2013-01-07 09:33:45 PM  
mean more... still can't type.
 
2013-01-07 09:34:00 PM  
You're going to be a father today? You should get off the PC, go to the Hospital and make sure the wife/babby okay.
 
2013-01-07 09:34:01 PM  
Don't ask for advice from childless farkers.
 
2013-01-07 09:34:21 PM  
Pull out next time.
 
2013-01-07 09:34:38 PM  
For these next however many months left, sleep. For the love of God, sleep.

/sleep
 
2013-01-07 09:34:52 PM  
Tell them stories about your childhood every chance you get. Especially stories about when you did something dumb. Get them to understand early that screwing something up isn't the end of the world.
 
2013-01-07 09:34:54 PM  
Teach everyday.
 
2013-01-07 09:35:08 PM  
imgs.xkcd.com
 
2013-01-07 09:35:48 PM  
Condoms.

/too late

Have the tal about condoms.

//too son

Enjoy the ride.

///you bought your ticket.
 
2013-01-07 09:35:56 PM  
Get a job.

Keep it.
 
2013-01-07 09:36:17 PM  
Run away
 
2013-01-07 09:36:18 PM  
Don't put baby in a corner.
 
2013-01-07 09:36:32 PM  

sleep lack: [imgs.xkcd.com image 650x214]


kind of a simulpost
sort of
 
2013-01-07 09:36:33 PM  

rotsky: During labor and delivery, position yourself in such a way that you can help and support your wife. Do it in such a way that you don't actually see the baby coming out. There's nothing to be seen there that can't be unseen. Trust me.

Wait until the doctors clean everything up.


If it ends up being a C-section, be sure you can see what's going on. There's so much blood everywhere it's AWESOME. By far one of the coolest things I've ever seen. Pulling that baby outta there, tossing the placenta aside. Describing it all to the girlfriend because she can't see beyond the screen. Epic.
 
2013-01-07 09:36:41 PM  
Get all the farking sleep you can get now.
fark as much as you can now.
 
2013-01-07 09:36:45 PM  
Be patient with yourself as well as your child. You'll both be doing a lot of learning and growing.
 
2013-01-07 09:36:59 PM  
Sell it on ebay.
 
2013-01-07 09:37:16 PM  
Don't panic.
 
2013-01-07 09:37:35 PM  

AdolfOliverPanties: Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.


This, it makes dogfarts smell like fresh baked cookies in comparison.

Other than that, have fun!
 
2013-01-07 09:37:36 PM  
Do not set up a facebook for your baby. It makes you look like an asshole.
 
2013-01-07 09:38:16 PM  
Should have pulled out.
 
2013-01-07 09:38:21 PM  
NOTHING IS MORE STRESS INDUCING THAN THE CONSTANT CRYING OF A BABY.

NO BABY EVER DIED FROM CRYING!

Sorry for yelling, but it drives me nuts to hear of child abuse to infants because a parent lost their head.

Seriously, if the baby is fed and the diaper is dry, put them in the crib and shut the door. Go outside and breath. Give it 5-10 minutes to cry while you calm yourself.

And LOVE LOVE LOVE that baby! They are the best thing in the world.

/father of 6
 
2013-01-07 09:38:34 PM  
Oh, and talk to the baby -- a lot. Very good for brain development.
 
2013-01-07 09:38:50 PM  
Be a better Dad than your father was.....
 
2013-01-07 09:38:52 PM  
Try not to be late with child support - they really don't like that.
 
2013-01-07 09:38:55 PM  

rotsky: During labor and delivery, position yourself in such a way that you can help and support your wife. Do it in such a way that you don't actually see the baby coming out. There's nothing to be seen there that can't be unseen. Trust me.

Wait until the doctors clean everything up.


I dunno about this. I can say plenty bad about my ex but he held my hand and snapped pictures during my Csection.
Oh subby - you did this to her. Depending on time of gestation, she may be huge during the summer. Kinda sucks to be you.
 
2013-01-07 09:39:08 PM  

SilentStrider: gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.

word is my father found this out the hard way.


My mother mentioned once that, when the doctor weighed my brother as a baby, they had his diaper off and back on in less than a minute. Apparently, something went wrong the first time.
 
2013-01-07 09:40:25 PM  
Wait? TFers are reproducing now?

*Preps for the end of the world*
 
2013-01-07 09:40:55 PM  
Penis.
 
2013-01-07 09:40:55 PM  
Assuming you found out early in the pregnancy....
Buy some Ben and Jerry's or Hagan Dass or whatever the little lady is into. Hide it in the freezer and be able to produce it when the hormone fairy arrives. Yeah... it's an old Robin Willaim's joke but I swear this will save your relationship and maybe your life.
 
2013-01-07 09:41:31 PM  
Congrats to you and the Mom - you are both in for a wonderful ride.

It will be all the things above and so much more. There is no instruction manual, no guide book. Everyone has an opinion but you and Mom should decide what YOU two want and to hell with the rest.

Good luck

/due in 4 weeks
//agree with comments about what works for me may not for you
///Seriously agree with the comments about staying near mom and getting sleep now
 
2013-01-07 09:41:34 PM  
Don't let the mother of the child get any angrier than necessary.
 
2013-01-07 09:41:51 PM  
Run
 
2013-01-07 09:42:00 PM  
Bank some sleep.
Bank some more sleep.
 
2013-01-07 09:42:04 PM  

Indubitably: Penis.


to penis
 
2013-01-07 09:42:48 PM  
Run dude
 
2013-01-07 09:43:11 PM  
get a DNA test. She is lying
 
2013-01-07 09:43:47 PM  
Kids are not that complicated. Feed them. Change their diapers. Keep them out of traffic. You'll figure it out. Start saving your money. It's expensive but worth it.
 
2013-01-07 09:44:00 PM  

cretinbob: Just let it go.
You are the father, not the mother. When the kid farks up, tell him/her. Yelling can get their attention, but keep it to a minimum. Most kids tune that shiat out, but do pay attention to a calm voice.


this
 
2013-01-07 09:44:01 PM  
Do not let the kid on an airplane for a few years. The rest of us will thank you in advance.
 
2013-01-07 09:44:05 PM  
Here are things I've found that aren't necessarily obvious, but most vitally important:
- Always keep precedents/consistency in mind.  You can't let your kid do something when they're little because it seems cute, and then expect them to stop doing it when they're older.

- People have gone through horrible, horrible childhoods (abuse, loss of parents, etc.) and come out as fairly functional adults.  Don't get worked up thinking you've scarred them for life just because you embarrassed them in front of their friends.

- The above notwithstanding, even doing your best you're almost certainly going to be responsible for some bit of emotional baggage.  We all have some. Get over it.

- You'll miss bath times, hand feeding, and all the other chores when they're too old for it, so enjoy them now.
 
2013-01-07 09:44:08 PM  
wwwimage.cbsstatic.com
 
2013-01-07 09:44:56 PM  
You will learn to love another human being in a way that far exceeds any love you have for yourself or anyone else. And there will always be a part of you that worries constantly that somehow your child will die before you do, and the notion will frighten you deeper than almost any other feeling that you may ever experience.
 
2013-01-07 09:45:37 PM  
No matter what you're facing, never lose your sense of humor. It will save you and your child a lot of heartache.
 
2013-01-07 09:45:42 PM  
Dirt is a necessary part of a kids diet and helps build a strong immune system. Hand Sanitizer really isnt doing anyone any favors.

/good thing kids are bouncy
 
2013-01-07 09:46:22 PM  
Congrats Subbs,

The best and truest advice i can offer is this;

It is all about your child now.

Everything you do from this point on is all about him or her...

Period.

Everything you do should have your offspring in mind first.

You will never be happier, or sadder, but following this advice, you will never be richer.

Enjoy!
 
2013-01-07 09:46:23 PM  
You will always be one ill-advised meth binge away from becoming the subject of a FARK headline for the second time in your life.
 
2013-01-07 09:46:24 PM  
Get term life insurance and long term disability insurance tomorrow. If you die, make sure he/she is taken care of. The odds are you'll become disabled instead of dying early. So get disability to take care of the family in case you can't. Oh, and take lots of pictures and periodically go back and look. Not only will you see how far he/she has come, but you'll see how far you have come too. Congratulations.
 
2013-01-07 09:47:29 PM  

Atomic Spunk: You will learn to love another human being in a way that far exceeds any love you have for yourself or anyone else. And there will always be a part of you that worries constantly that somehow your child will die before you do, and the notion will frighten you deeper than almost any other feeling that you may ever experience.


Exactly! (new dad here with a 14 month old)
 
2013-01-07 09:47:55 PM  
speak softly so they have to pay attention when you say 'Don't make me pull the hammer back, kid...'
 
2013-01-07 09:48:02 PM  
Paternity test
 
2013-01-07 09:48:20 PM  
People won't admit it, but babies are welcome everywhere. The movies, restaurants, strip clubs.
 
2013-01-07 09:48:26 PM  
Don't stick your dick in crazy?

/too soon?
//too late?
 
2013-01-07 09:49:00 PM  
Lord loves a workin' man. Don't trust whitey. Get a shot and get rid of it.
 
2013-01-07 09:49:36 PM  
I got that news in August. My farking crazy biatch ex-fiance ran away to another state and got an abortion at week 15. I hope you have a better experience than I did.
 
2013-01-07 09:50:12 PM  
When it comes to discipline, never count to 3. Just chuck their toy in the trash, or turn off their computer or do whatever you're going to do. Once the kid learns that correction is stern and comes without warning, they behave much better. And above all else, do it without getting angry, because it's not personal, it's just responsible parenting. If it's not personal, they will accept it and not fight it.

Also, there is no aspect of parenting that can't be helped by a glass of wine. Sometimes two.
 
2013-01-07 09:50:27 PM  
Plastics.
 
2013-01-07 09:50:57 PM  
Always have three bottles of formula/breast milk ready in the fridge. Putting those things together in the dark at 3am can get very messy. Grabbing a pre-made version out of the fridge is easy.

Arrange your changing table to where you know where everything is with your eyes closed. Because at 3am, they will often be half-closed.

Steel your mind that the first two months will suck. After that, when they start sleeping ~5 hours at a time at night, the next two months will suck slightly less. Once they start sleeping 7 hours at a time, life will start kind of getting back to normal.

From about 8-20 months is just nirvana - it's great seeing them develop right in front of your eyes.

As a dear friend said to me, "You spend the first two years of their life getting them to walk and talk and the next 20 wishing they'd sit down and shut up." :)

Good luck, sir - it's been a fun ride for us so far.
 
2013-01-07 09:51:20 PM  
You are going to learn that your folks were not entirely crazy. You are going to learn the value of naps. You are going to learn a lot of things that you've forgotten. The journey is going to be a fun ride.
 
2013-01-07 09:51:26 PM  
Some animals eat their young. By the end of your child's 18th year, you have complete understanding. Which is nice.
 
2013-01-07 09:52:12 PM  
There's a 50% chance you're going to end up paying your wife a hell of a lot more than is required to care for your child. Good luck.

/assumptions
 
2013-01-07 09:52:52 PM  
Congrats on the pending loin fruit. Don't sweat the small stuff, pick your battles, and never microwave a bottle with the nipple attached. It's funny, but messy.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:02 PM  
It takes time to bond with your infant. Won't happen overnight. I didn't like my oldest daughter much until she was 4 months old. It's normal. Don't sweat it.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:05 PM  
Can't figure out HTML on the mobile app but this article is super important so you don't go mad reading to your child:

http://m.deadspin.com/5889376/if-you-give-a-mouse-a-cookie-youre-fark e d-10-tips-for-avoiding-terrible-childrens-books

Oh and scheduling our kids sleep (Baby Wise) was the best. She slept through the night at 8 weeks.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:26 PM  
Not gonna sugar coat it - at first it's hell. Of course there's those precious Hallmark moments, but for the most part its piss, shiat, puke, slimy baby food everywhere, quick nap, repeat. So its a lot like a weekend with your mom.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:42 PM  
Read to the baby as often as possible. Doesn't matter what. It could be blogs or car-repair manuals or whatever, so long as you're reading to them.

And avoid convertible automobiles.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:44 PM  
Congrats subs. My wife and I found out three weeks ago that she is pregnant.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:45 PM  
I have six kids. I still don't know a farking thing. Only advice I can give you is get all the sleep you can now.

And congrats!
 
2013-01-07 09:53:52 PM  
Don't think that your parents or grandparents were all-wise when it came to raising their children. They were just winging it. That's what you'll be doing, too.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:54 PM  
They're all cute 'n stuff until they wreck the car.
 
2013-01-07 09:54:43 PM  
Give your baby a goddamn reasonable name. I can forgive everything else, but baby "Spatula" isnt going to cut it.
 
2013-01-07 09:55:23 PM  
Just say you're going out to get a pack of smokes.
 
2013-01-07 09:55:56 PM  
From Patton Oswalt's first album, The Most Amazing Father (NSFW language).
 
2013-01-07 09:56:01 PM  

Majick Thise: Have ONE and ONLY ONE child.

Seriously.. If you have one it's a fun hobby. Work yeah but good work.

BUT the work load when you add a second kid doesn't just double.. oh no. It increases by an order of magnitude. Let's use the term 'work unit' as a measure of the work you do when having a child. If a single child is 10 work units a day, two children are 75 work units a day..

No one ever listens to me on this, maybe you will be the first.


OMG yes! Whenever I'm playing my Sim family, it takes forever to get stuff done with more than one kid. Usually I'll send them away to boarding school once they're old enough.
 
2013-01-07 09:56:05 PM  
Never play "Flying Baby" within an hour of feeding time.
 
2013-01-07 09:56:16 PM  

azmoviez: Can't figure out HTML on the mobile app but this article is super important so you don't go mad reading to your child:

http://m.deadspin.com/5889376/if-you-give-a-mouse-a-cookie-youre-fark e d-10-tips-for-avoiding-terrible-childrens-books

Oh and scheduling our kids sleep (Baby Wise) was the best. She slept through the night at 8 weeks.


Damn filter. Will post working link soon.
 
2013-01-07 09:56:17 PM  
Don't panic, stock up on booze, Sleep as much as you can now.

/Congrats.
 
2013-01-07 09:56:40 PM  
Write your congressman and make sure they are on board with 40th trimester abortions

/works with sitting presidents
 
2013-01-07 09:57:15 PM  
Leave the fresh new diaper open longer than it seems necessary, or you will have to change again.
Don't sweat the details.
When he/she turns 18 get a hot tub and encourage nude parties at your place.
 
2013-01-07 09:57:15 PM  
indianapublicmedia.org
 
2013-01-07 09:57:20 PM  
Sell 'em on Ebay while they're still cute!! Either that or keep them but harvest their organs before they turn 18.
 
2013-01-07 09:57:33 PM  
Serious response here. 1. Plenty of physical contact when the child is small. 2. Tell the child that you love him/her often. 3. Always look the child in the eye when conversing. This will require you to squat down frequently. 4. Treat the child with the same level of respect that you would like to receive from anyone you meet. 5. Always give them a choice i.e. shower or bath tonight? or do you want to brush your teeth during the commercial or at the end of the program. You'll get what you want and they will learn good habits.

tl;dr hold them a lot and tell them you love them.

I am 2 for 2 with this approach as a single (widower) dad. Congratulations and enjoy!
 
2013-01-07 09:58:05 PM  
Your children are never too young to learn about disappointment.
 
2013-01-07 09:58:59 PM  
Try anal next time.

/I keed
//congrats
 
2013-01-07 09:59:02 PM  

Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.


I get that everyday when I pick my kid at the daycare... Best. Feeling. Ever.
 
2013-01-07 09:59:08 PM  

Flatulent_Flea: They're all cute 'n stuff until they wreck the car.


*That* is why I never let babies drive my car. Their depth perception and basic motor skills are poor.
 
2013-01-07 09:59:30 PM  
Use it as an attempt to get attention in a news aggregate discussion thread.
 
2013-01-07 09:59:34 PM  
Remember to check the water temp before bathing the little twerp. No one likes a flesh peeling baby! Unless you do you sick bastard o.O
 
2013-01-07 09:59:52 PM  

Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.


I only get to see my kids twice a week. If I were a chick, your post would make me start lactating...

/love my kids
/best thing ever
/no, really
 
2013-01-07 10:00:11 PM  

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


My daughter was able to do the same thing. We used to do what we called "priming the pump": we curled her legs up into her abdomen a few times to push help empty the bladder. Worked great.

My advice to the soon to-be dad: don't sweat the small stuff. Seriously.

/Wife is eight weeks along with number 2
 
2013-01-07 10:00:21 PM  
img.photobucket.com
img.photobucket.com
 
2013-01-07 10:00:59 PM  

jpo2269: Your children are never too young to learn about disappointment.


Or too old to review the lessons.
 
2013-01-07 10:01:11 PM  
Don't sell it to the first guy who comes along. Play the market a bit, wait for the right offer. People will pay a lot for a white kid, so don't let them nickle and dime you about little nicks and scratches.
 
2013-01-07 10:01:19 PM  
Prepare for the next 15 years to fly by like they never happened.
Take lots of photos and video. Do video interviews when nobody is watching and hide them away. They will be priceless in the future.

You can never say "I love you" too much!
 
2013-01-07 10:01:36 PM  
She can't get any more pregnant; shag while you can. Sleep a lot. Like to travel? Get it out of your system before you two get stuck. Do not shoot medicine down the baby's throat with a syringe, unless you enjoy volcanoes of puke.
 
2013-01-07 10:02:02 PM  
Having a kid is an important step, sure. Just remember that it's infinitely more important to you than it is to us.
 
2013-01-07 10:02:22 PM  
Vasectomy so accidents don't happen again.
 
2013-01-07 10:03:03 PM  
Talk with the wife about parenting styles so you know before what you want. Cry it out or not? Attachment parenting? Spanking or not?

Once you two know what you want, then do your thing, and humor all the "experts" who will try to tell you what to do. They mean well, but it'll get old.

Don't spend all your time comparing your kid to others. They all grow differently.

Read a book about how the pregnancy will affect your wife. Hormones are a crazy thing, and if you understand now what to expect, things will go so much better for you.

I have a son about to turn 3 and a baby due this month. Being a father is the greatest joy imaginable, so have fun with it. Feel free to be as goofy as you want. Play hard, they won't break. Have a schedule, and break it just often enough so that when you do its special.
 
2013-01-07 10:03:09 PM  

Clarence Beeks: Always have three bottles of formula/breast milk ready in the fridge. Putting those things together in the dark at 3am can get very messy. Grabbing a pre-made version out of the fridge is easy.


This is why tits were made.
 
2013-01-07 10:03:11 PM  
1 medium baby
3 shallots, finely minced
1 cup sherry
4 cloves garlic, peeled and smashed
6 strips of bacon
lemon and thyme to taste
 
2013-01-07 10:03:54 PM  
Sleep. A lot. You won't sleep right until your youngest is 5 1/2.*

*Your results may vary
 
2013-01-07 10:05:12 PM  

rotsky: During labor and delivery, position yourself in such a way that you can help and support your wife. Do it in such a way that you don't actually see the baby coming out. There's nothing to be seen there that can't be unseen. Trust me.

Wait until the doctors clean everything up.


Oh,and this
 
2013-01-07 10:05:31 PM  
They are always cute when little, so was Hitler.
 
2013-01-07 10:05:44 PM  
I'm a father of a 9 month old boy.

All I can say is sleep now. Sleep often and enjoy your free time like you've been sentenced to death.

Seriously the best thing that's ever happened to me though.
 
2013-01-07 10:06:07 PM  
Stock up on paperback books, and get a rocking chair. You're going to be doing a lot of one-handed reading at 2 AM.
 
2013-01-07 10:06:13 PM  
start secretly saving money for a lawyer, or college fund if divorce never occurs; luck and wishes will not help you now
 
2013-01-07 10:06:36 PM  
Don't let the kid sleep in the bed with you. You'll have a hell of a time getting them not to later.
If they bite you, don't bite them back, that doesn't help the matter.
Test out the different diaper brands before committing. NEVER buy Luvs, you may as well wrap them in a Kleenex.
An iPod touch is a sanity saver at the store or doctor's office.
Don't buy too many clothes in one size as they'll grow out of them before they can wear them all....that goes for shoes too.
Wipes warmers are awesome for those middle of the night changes, much less firehosing.

/I know there's more but that'll do for now
 
2013-01-07 10:06:39 PM  
Take up drinking, preferably hard liquor like bourbon or scotch. If already do, double your daily dose. You kid will automatically have a reason to hate you and when you quit later you have a reason to get back in their life.

Then you can go out drinking with them...
 
2013-01-07 10:07:06 PM  
Don't join a cult that molests yer kid.
 
2013-01-07 10:07:23 PM  
Always ask yourself this question before doing something... Will my actions get me a call from the local news or a daytime talk show...

If the answer is "yes", don't do it!
 
2013-01-07 10:07:30 PM  
Kill yourself
 
2013-01-07 10:07:53 PM  

Atomic Spunk: You will learn to love another human being in a way that far exceeds any love you have for yourself or anyone else. And there will always be a part of you that worries constantly that somehow your child will die before you do, and the notion will frighten you deeper than almost any other feeling that you may ever experience.


Get out of my head.
 
2013-01-07 10:08:07 PM  
Screw your still-beautiful wife/girlfriend every damn day while you can because she will never, ever, be the same again.

What has been seen cannot be unseen and what has been stretched will never snap back:
Click, but eye-bleach recommended
 
2013-01-07 10:08:27 PM  
Don't worry about a thing. I was stolen by wolves and raised in a cave and I turned out just fine.

Just fine.
 
2013-01-07 10:08:31 PM  
www.sproutsanfrancisco.com

This book will save your life, or at least your sanity.
 
2013-01-07 10:08:51 PM  
i172.photobucket.com
 
2013-01-07 10:09:06 PM  
Hold him/her every day as much/often as you can.
 
2013-01-07 10:09:42 PM  
Mec is really gross (it's the first stuff they poop out), but don't worry, it will turn into real poop in a couple of days, and that will be really gross as well. Don't worry you'll get used to it. You will get used to a lot of really gross disgusting things. Honest. Also, as your child gets older and you talk to other parents and you think to yourself, "Wow, their kids are way better than mine. Their kids don't get into trouble and they do their homework without being hounded and they're polite and great at math blah blah blah. I'm a bad parent." DON'T BELIEVE THEM! NONE OF THEM ARE TELLING THE TRUTH! THEIR KIDS ARE JUST AS SCREWED UP AS YOURS!
And by that I mean normal.
 
2013-01-07 10:10:13 PM  
Fatherhood is the best thing in the world. You will forever be loved and love another.

Schedule, schedule schedule. Keep the baby on a schedule - feeding, sleeping, resting, It may seem anal, but it pays off huge dividends as they grow up, It makes them better adjusted and healthier.

Also, don't let the breastfeeding nazis get to you. If you decide not to breastfeed, you are not a horrible parent and your kid will not grow up tarded. Formula fed babies do just fine. Breastfeeding is better, that is true, but some women have trouble with it. It is okay to try, fail, and switch to formula.

Good luck!
 
2013-01-07 10:10:17 PM  
Congratulations!

My advice: You will want to take lots of pictures and videos. That's fine. But be sure to put the camera down and just be in the moment too.
 
2013-01-07 10:10:24 PM  
if you dont like suprises, keep your mouth closed around your toddler
 
2013-01-07 10:10:39 PM  
Chaining the kid to a radiator is like fight club....never talk about it.
 
2013-01-07 10:10:43 PM  
One piece of advice my friend gave me was: don't be too quiet around the baby.  They were quiet around their first kid and she woke up at the drop of a pin.  So I took this advice and  mine could sleep through everything, like his second daughter.

The weird item I was happy I eventually bought but would have liked to have from the start:  Get a mirror that attaches to the back seat headrest and reflects to the front mirror, some have lights and music too.  In my state for the first year, the baby must face the rear, and be in the back seat.  New parents are naturally paranoid, but it is great to be able to know at a glance if they are sleeping or what they are up to.

Don't sweat the germs, it helps build the immune system; antiseptic children may have more allergies and illnesses.  (This is a theory with high correlation, but still only a theory.)
 
2013-01-07 10:10:44 PM  

det0321: Serious response here. 1. Plenty of physical contact when the child is small. 2. Tell the child that you love him/her often. 3. Always look the child in the eye when conversing. This will require you to squat down frequently. 4. Treat the child with the same level of respect that you would like to receive from anyone you meet. 5. Always give them a choice i.e. shower or bath tonight? or do you want to brush your teeth during the commercial or at the end of the program. You'll get what you want and they will learn good habits.

tl;dr hold them a lot and tell them you love them.

I am 2 for 2 with this approach as a single (widower) dad. Congratulations and enjoy!


Other than all the sappy and hilarious advice, this is the best. #5 is the cardinal rule for avoiding 'NO!'
 
2013-01-07 10:10:55 PM  
1. Don't worry about making mistakes... kids are tough and enormously forgiving.
2. Hold them, love them, and play with them.
3. Have fun, be silly, and laugh with them.
4. Teach them the things that you ended up having to learn the hard way (and as much as you can).
5. Be fair, but firm.
6. Learn from them... while you have a lot to teach them, they have a lot to teach you about yourself.
7. Get used to gross stuff... there will be plenty of it to clean up.
8. Give them rules to follow and enforce those rules (don't be a pushover).
9. If the baby is screaming and crying and you feel yourself tensing up from the stress, put the baby in it's crib for a little while and walk away... this is more important than most people realize.
10. Let them make mistakes... then help them to understand their mistakes.
11. Teach them to cook... someday they'll be on their own and they're going to need to know how.
12. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you make along the way.

There is plenty else you'll figure out along the way... but as a father of three, that's my advice.

Oh yeah... as for the birthing... See what you can do about finding an excellent midwife instead of relying on doctors. They're WAY WAY better for uncomplicated/healthy birthing in my opinion.
 
2013-01-07 10:11:04 PM  
Sleep fast.
 
2013-01-07 10:11:09 PM  
Right there with you, subby. We're due July 4th.

*fistbump*

pick their fark handle now
 
2013-01-07 10:12:09 PM  
Patience... and Mama is queen... always.
 
2013-01-07 10:12:48 PM  
Your baby mama will be "nesting" around 6-7 months. don't push back on that shiat, or you will suffer severely.
 
2013-01-07 10:13:24 PM  
As soon as you can, lay him/her down on a small blanket and outline them with magic marker with the date. Mine's 9yr old now and looking at that together is an amazing thing.
 
2013-01-07 10:13:38 PM  
Congrats subs!
You are going to be objectively right an awful lot of times over the next 7 or 8 months. Know that in your head but admit you are wrong every time.
 
2013-01-07 10:13:46 PM  

Tatt2wand: Mec is really gross (it's the first stuff they poop out), but don't worry, it will turn into real poop in a couple of days, and that will be really gross as well. Don't worry you'll get used to it. You will get used to a lot of really gross disgusting things. Honest. Also, as your child gets older and you talk to other parents and you think to yourself, "Wow, their kids are way better than mine. Their kids don't get into trouble and they do their homework without being hounded and they're polite and great at math blah blah blah. I'm a bad parent." DON'T BELIEVE THEM! NONE OF THEM ARE TELLING THE TRUTH! THEIR KIDS ARE JUST AS SCREWED UP AS YOURS!
And by that I mean normal.


When you have vomit running down the front of you, and poop running down the back of you, that's one of those parenting moments we call "Tuesday". :-)
 
2013-01-07 10:14:11 PM  
don't be abnormally quiet when the baby sleeps. Vacuum, watch tv, whatever. Once you condition them to need quiet you will tiptoe around the house for 4 years.
 
2013-01-07 10:14:27 PM  
I believe all we've learned today is that your wife is pregnant. I'm not prepared to jump to any further conclusions.

/'grats subs
 
2013-01-07 10:14:51 PM  
oh, and whatever you do, don't eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. You can literally buy a case of them to replace it and it won't be the same because she wanted THAT Almond Joy Easter Egg.

/true story
 
2013-01-07 10:15:02 PM  
Adam Baldwin was an extra in a Stargate SG-1 episode, and he had a lot to say about having kids.
Video
 
2013-01-07 10:15:04 PM  
Duct tape. Congratulations!!
 
2013-01-07 10:15:33 PM  

dramboxf: Keep her off the pole.


This.

And make sure any guy she talks to knows that you have no problem going back to prison.
 
2013-01-07 10:15:33 PM  
Enjoy every moment.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
Share the responsibilities of parenthood and child maintenance with your SO. I know a guy who said, "I never changed my kids' diapers because I was never any good at it." Bullshiat. You're the dad. It's your job to GET good at it.
Remember how they look when they're bald, have no teeth and are covered in drool. If you're like me, you'll long for the simplicity of those days as they grow.
You can never love your own child too much.
Don't make excuses for your own behavior as a parent based on what was done to you during your childhood. My dad was an alcoholic. My mom used to beat me, and once got so mad at me she threw an ironing board at my head. And I have chosen to take those experiences and make them an example of what *not* to do as a parent.
You can either make excuses or make progress. Make progress.
Talk to your baby. Cuddle her. Kiss her belly. Nuzzle her. Babies become toddlers who become kids that eventually reach an age where they no longer want to be touched by you. Soak it all up now.
Be silly. Play with your baby. Instill a self-deprecating sense of humor in her as she grows. A child that can laugh at herself is rarely laughed at by others.
Don't spend every moment behind the camera. Save some of those wonderful moments for yourself, and allow yourself to be as present as you possibly can. Life is better when it's experienced face-to-face rather than seen through a 2.5" screen.
Enjoy all that is to come. I envy all the amazement that you will experience.
I truly wish you and your family the very, very best.
 
2013-01-07 10:16:04 PM  
www.wired.com
 
2013-01-07 10:16:47 PM  
If she chooses to go to a hospital, and she has a plan for how she wants things to happen, you stick up for her and don't cave in to the staff, and ask her to make a "nice gesture".  They also expect things to go a certain way, and don't like to be told otherwise.

/still bitter almost 16 years later
 
2013-01-07 10:16:53 PM  
An iPod touch in a otter box at the age of 3 is amazing.

Great tool for learning. Use 2-3 times a week as a reward for being good.cousin has this set up and the kid patiently asks when getting a chore done to read a book with animations on the iPod touch. An old smart phone may be capable of doing the same.

It's awesome to see them read and wonder, but also learn how to love technology.

Not an Apple fanboy, but just observing the fact that the device is a great learning tool.
 
2013-01-07 10:17:07 PM  
Best parenting advice I ever received: Don't take parenting advice from anyone.
 
2013-01-07 10:17:29 PM  
1. Buy these aden + anais swaddle blankets

2. Babby cries. Sometimes just to cry. If they are fed, clean, not hot, not cold. It is OK to step outside for 5-10 minutes and let them cry. This is highly contested and you will hear arguments for both sides. Only you know your babby.

3. Hormones are still driving the wife's actions even after babby is born

4. BED TIME ROUTINE

5. BED TIME ROUTINE

6. BED TIME ROUTINE

20 month old. Slept through the night from 8 weeks on. Goes to bed now at 7:30pm and gets up at 6:45am. Every weekday. On the weekends she lets us sleep until 8am.
 
2013-01-07 10:17:35 PM  
Hm. I'd suggest you keep a closer eye on your missus the next time.

zing!
 
2013-01-07 10:17:55 PM  

Rev.K: Sleep. Sleep now because you will never again know the luxury of going to bed whenever you want.


When my first one came along, a friend advised me to get used to being tired... for the next 18 years.
 
2013-01-07 10:18:26 PM  
Sage Advice:

sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net

/Hotlinked like a mofo.
 
2013-01-07 10:18:31 PM  
Abort! Abort! Abort!
 
2013-01-07 10:18:34 PM  

skullkrusher: oh, and whatever you do, don't eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. You can literally buy a case of them to replace it and it won't be the same because she wanted THAT Almond Joy Easter Egg.

/true story


Eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. Teach them that you don't always get what you want.
 
2013-01-07 10:19:13 PM  
Don't get married because of this.

Don't have another kid right away because of this.

I am not married nor have ever been, and I only have one child. We aren't getting married and we are not together.

That's all, really.
 
2013-01-07 10:20:01 PM  

Blushing Wall Flower: sarahthustra: give the kid  name that doesn't suck.

I like the name Garth.


Garp? What kind of name is Garp?
 
2013-01-07 10:20:15 PM  
Just wait until they are six and yell at you from the top of the stairs "I hate you and hope you die. But first can you drive me to the mall?"
 
2013-01-07 10:20:34 PM  
Buy a Diaper Genie II.
 
2013-01-07 10:20:45 PM  

Mr. Murder: /subby


Congrats! IANAParent, but from what I hear, you'd better enjoy sleeping now because after the kid is born, it's going to be tough getting a good night's sleep for a while.
 
2013-01-07 10:20:55 PM  
Watch your cornhole...

Oh wait that's prison. Sorry, I got nothing.
 
2013-01-07 10:21:14 PM  
Best reading advice ever.  Read daily to your child.  Read smart.
If You Give A Mouse a Cookie You're Farked.
 
2013-01-07 10:21:40 PM  
This is the advice my Dad gave my brother and me... "Dogs and kids (he also added women to the list shortly after the divorce)- nothin' but trouble..."

The older I get, the truer it becomes, haha!

Congrats, and may the journey go as smoothly as possible! There will be bumps, try not to stress out about 'em too much. Best of luck to you and your family!
 
2013-01-07 10:22:42 PM  
I can't add any sage 'advice' per se, but you should definitely add some to the umbilical cord stump prior to smelling and subsequently making a soup from it.
 
2013-01-07 10:23:17 PM  
stagevu.com
but seriously, congrats, dude. hmmm, my one piece of advice.... oh yeah, your kid will have ESP and know exactly at the precise nanosecond you're starting to relax. be prepared for that.
 
2013-01-07 10:23:27 PM  
Reassure, her. Tell her you are going to meditate on the situation for (hours, days) in order to properly react to the good news. Say that your emotions need to catch up to reality and that this is a normal response to sudden, life changing information. Explain that you are not going to abandon her and that all you need is to contemplate the new facts about your life.

Then get a pet sitter if you have a pet, leave your phone at home. Take a week off of work and rent a hotel room at a nice hotel and get really hammered. Locking the door so you don't leave or invite anyone in. Spend those last few days by yourself and resist the temptation to communicate with anyone. This will be the last truly personal time you will have for the rest of your life.
 
2013-01-07 10:23:41 PM  
Are you sure it's hers?


As for advice, sleep when the kid sleeps.
 
2013-01-07 10:24:06 PM  
On having kids.
Your life, as you know it, is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk, and... and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most... delightful people... you will ever meet in your life.

Bill Murray in Lost in Translation.
 
2013-01-07 10:24:08 PM  
Always... no, no... never... forget to check your references.
 
2013-01-07 10:24:39 PM  
Teach it that the value of profits is greater than the value of wages.
 
2013-01-07 10:24:50 PM  

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


And tuck it down, or the pee will just spout out the top of the diaper.
 
2013-01-07 10:25:49 PM  
Congrats, your life has changed and will never be the same. Life will be You have difficult, more scary than ever before. But, it will also be fooled with more live and emotion than you have ever known. As frustrating and difficult as being a father gas been at times, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

  I am the father of two and step-father of for. The best advice I can give you is do what you say you are going to do. If you sold your child and put in place a punishment, follow through to the letter. A child who knows you won't follow through, will never listen to you. Also don't be afraid to say no. Teach you kid that they don't need everything in life, that sometimes they have to wait.

 As your kid gets older TEACH him or her. Don't just let them hold the flashlight and hand you tools, let them tighten the screw or put that new purchase together under your supervision. You won't believe how much more confident they will become knowing that they can do something. And the bonding experience is priceless.

Once again, congrats. You are officially the luckiest person on the planet!
 
2013-01-07 10:25:55 PM  

Clarence Beeks: Always have three bottles of formula/breast milk ready in the fridge. Putting those things together in the dark at 3am can get very messy. Grabbing a pre-made version out of the fridge is easy.

Arrange your changing table to where you know where everything is with your eyes closed. Because at 3am, they will often be half-closed.

Steel your mind that the first two months will suck. After that, when they start sleeping ~5 hours at a time at night, the next two months will suck slightly less. Once they start sleeping 7 hours at a time, life will start kind of getting back to normal.

From about 8-20 months is just nirvana - it's great seeing them develop right in front of your eyes.

As a dear friend said to me, "You spend the first two years of their life getting them to walk and talk and the next 20 wishing they'd sit down and shut up." :)

Good luck, sir - it's been a fun ride for us so far.


The thing about pre-flighting the milk in the fridge is SO true. I once got up, poured some breast milk into a bottle, brought it into the baby and collapsed into bed. I held the bottle so he could tip it up to his mouth...and in my sleep-induced stupor, I had forgotten to screw the nipple and cap back onto the bottle. Poor baby was drenched in milk. Guess who had to get up, change the baby, wash the baby, change the bedding, start some laundry at 3am...
 
2013-01-07 10:25:55 PM  
http://static.quickmeme.com/media/social/qm.gif
 
2013-01-07 10:26:04 PM  
Diaper Genie.

Seriously, you'll wonder how you ever lived without one.
 
2013-01-07 10:27:36 PM  
Congratulations. You're probably not going to get much sleep for the next few weeks so stock up on coffee.
 
2013-01-07 10:28:13 PM  
Don't let your stepbrother raise him/her on some desert shiathole. That will only end badly.

i3.mirror.co.uk
 
2013-01-07 10:28:17 PM  
Now that you are going to be a father, from one father to the other, I can only offer you one piece of advice that will do you the most good:

farm6.static.flickr.com
Two is exponentially more difficult than one.
 
2013-01-07 10:28:19 PM  
Sleep NOW! www.traemcneely.com
 
2013-01-07 10:29:12 PM  

Don't treat your kid(s) like they're idiots.

 
2013-01-07 10:29:25 PM  
Book recommendations:
upload.wikimedia.org
It's fuzzy! :D
upload.wikimedia.org
(it is required to read this in the voice of Christopher Walken, btw)
and for you, this gem:
upload.wikimedia.org
I got this one for myself as a joke to read to my youngest (now 9). He receives energy from the air or something because when I crash at 11:30-12:00 he's still awake even though his bedtime is 8:30.
 
2013-01-07 10:29:59 PM  

Donnchadha: skullkrusher: oh, and whatever you do, don't eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. You can literally buy a case of them to replace it and it won't be the same because she wanted THAT Almond Joy Easter Egg.

/true story

Eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. Teach them that you don't always get what you want.


I was talking about wifey, not the kids.
Don't fark with wifey when she's preggo
 
2013-01-07 10:30:03 PM  
When you get the kid home, turn on the radio or tv at a normal volume so they get used to background noise.
My kids will sleep through anything.
 
2013-01-07 10:30:31 PM  
...fate and events willing? remember you "rent" children. as they are growing and getting ready
to fly the nest don't forget your wife....the one you married before you were parents

...i have 20 years into my "baby" - it will pass faster than you will ever credit - congrats :)
 
2013-01-07 10:30:44 PM  
1.) Hoping you're married to/cohabiting with the mother, my main advice is to prepare HARDCORE for the first three months. Everything goes much, much better if you have a cooperative plan for that time period and execute it from the start.

2.) On the same lines, DO NOT be afraid to incorporate your in-laws in that plan if they and your wife are willing. Few of us are big fans of the mother-in-law, but having her around is a calming influence and valuable learning tool for your wife if they have a good relationship. If you absolutely cannot handle her then have her around when you are at work or, if you take time off too, use that time to go shopping for baby supplies/groceries/whatever else is plausibly necessary and allows you to leave the house.

3.) Expect absolutely nothing of your partner for the next 6 months-1 year. Giving birth wipes women's brain clean. She will leave stuff in weird places, forget what day it is, get behind on her share of the chores, etc. Mommy Brain is real and near-universal and you need to be understanding and tolerant.

4.) Expect less than nothing from your partner for 6 weeks after delivery. She just had her vagina torn open, possibly had her taint cut off during delivery, lost tons of blood, lost tons of female hormones, and is adjusting to a little thing that can only communicate in screams suckling at her bewbs every two hours. She'll get back to the sexy sex. Trust me.

5.) Make normal household noise while your infant sleeps. If people are over, talk at normal volumes. Watch TV at NORMAL volumes. Walk around, clean, etc. At this point s/he is going to sleep anyway because when you've been floating in goo for nine months just being awake is exhausting enough. Get him/her used to sleeping through normal noise now and s/he'll be able to do the same when being awake becomes more interesting at around the 4-6 month mark--and likely thereafter.

6.) That thing I said about talking if people come over? Tell people NOW not to come over. Except for grandparents, people aren't coming over to help. They're coming over to see the widdle biddy bubba baby bumper and that's it. And the only people you need over right now, are people who will help in other ways too, like washing dishes/bottles or bringing food.

7.) Tell grandparents NOW that when they visit early on, you really need them to help DO things other than holdthe widdle biddy bubba baby bumper. If they get pissy then they become subject to Rule 6 because they are just stereotypical Baby Boomers and not real grandparents.

8.) YOU CAN'T "SPOIL" AN INFANT." An infant is a helpless little creature that depends on your for every physical and emotional need. When an infant cries there is a REASON and it is your duty to address it. Discipline and spoilation starts when your child can meet a particular need on its own, or when it whines over non-needs (e.g. "THAT toy, not this one"). You will know that time when it comes. For now, lots of holding/cuddling, and when it cries immediately check the diaper, then offer the bottle, then rock a while and put to bed. That covers about all the needs and thus all your necessary reactions.

9.) Chronicle everything. You may feel like you're taking too many pics, but you will never complain about HAVING too many pics.

10.) CONGRATULATIONS! Babies are GOOD THINGS despite the protestations of probably 200 of the 220+ comments I didn't even bother to read before I posted.
 
2013-01-07 10:31:11 PM  
kill it with fire.
 
2013-01-07 10:32:02 PM  
Pregnant sex. It's great.

Also, parenthood is fark'n tough. Fun as hell, though. Good luck.

/pregnant sex
 
2013-01-07 10:32:14 PM  

OBBN: Congrats, your life has changed and will never be the same. Life will be You have difficult, more scary than ever before. But, it will also be fooled with more live and emotion than you have ever known. As frustrating and difficult as being a father gas been at times, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

  I am the father of two and step-father of for. The best advice I can give you is do what you say you are going to do. If you sold your child and put in place a punishment, follow through to the letter. A child who knows you won't follow through, will never listen to you. Also don't be afraid to say no. Teach you kid that they don't need everything in life, that sometimes they have to wait.

 As your kid gets older TEACH him or her. Don't just let them hold the flashlight and hand you tools, let them tighten the screw or put that new purchase together under your supervision. You won't believe how much more confident they will become knowing that they can do something. And the bonding experience is priceless.

Once again, congrats. You are officially the luckiest person on the planet!


Argggggggggggg crap, stupid auto correct and Swype typing. I won't try to correct it, you will get the gist of it.
 
2013-01-07 10:32:43 PM  

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


/Or don't, 'cause it's hilarious, and you'll maybe be needing that memory when he dents up your Dodge.
 
2013-01-07 10:32:46 PM  
Keep them away from the nude Olympics in Australia.
 
2013-01-07 10:34:06 PM  
Never, ever, ever hit your kid. Seriously, kill yourself first. You'll do a lot less damage.
 
2013-01-07 10:34:39 PM  
Be prepared to be amazed, constantly.

Cuddle, Snuggle, Hold, your baby from day 1, don't worry you won't break it.

If the baby is breastfed, do not hold with out a shirt if you are a man, it hurts like hell (how did my wife deal with that?) and they scream bloody murder when no milk comes out.

Read to your child as often as possible

Get a jogging stroller and/or a bicycle trailer, you will not have much exercise time but these will but the child to sleep, give your partner a break, get you healthy, and get you out of the house.
 
2013-01-07 10:34:42 PM  
Baby girl: Wipe from front to back.
Baby boy: Put a towel over his penis while changing diapers.
Breast fed baby poop doesn't smell bad.
 
2013-01-07 10:34:53 PM  
Kids can't see beyond their own needs. So they'll act like little selfish assholes, try not to let it get to you.
 
2013-01-07 10:35:07 PM  
1. Stop at one kid so the planet doesn't blow up and you and the Mrs. don't have to play zone defense.
2. Enjoy every minute - it goes by so very fast.
 
2013-01-07 10:35:15 PM  
My son is 7 months old. We had a few rough weeks early on and I didn't get any photos of him in that timeframe. I can't get that time back, take photos and video when things are going rough.
 
2013-01-07 10:36:06 PM  
Pregnant women don't "glow". Pregnant women fart a lot. Pregnant sex is disgusting. Lactation is not erotic in the least. You are not going to get more than 4 hours sleep per night for the next 4 years. Other than that it is great.
 
2013-01-07 10:36:13 PM  
At first they're kinda like crummy parasites that keep you up all night and can't even focus on your face. You just have to trust it'll get better when they start to get interactive.

Then they smile back at you and then laugh and eventually talk, and you totally forget how you kinda didn't like this little thing at first. And you tell people all about how being a parent is amazing, leaving out that it wasn't like that immediately.
 
2013-01-07 10:36:56 PM  

TrixieDelite: Clarence Beeks: Always have three bottles of formula/breast milk ready in the fridge. Putting those things together in the dark at 3am can get very messy. Grabbing a pre-made version out of the fridge is easy.

Arrange your changing table to where you know where everything is with your eyes closed. Because at 3am, they will often be half-closed.

Steel your mind that the first two months will suck. After that, when they start sleeping ~5 hours at a time at night, the next two months will suck slightly less. Once they start sleeping 7 hours at a time, life will start kind of getting back to normal.

From about 8-20 months is just nirvana - it's great seeing them develop right in front of your eyes.

As a dear friend said to me, "You spend the first two years of their life getting them to walk and talk and the next 20 wishing they'd sit down and shut up." :)

Good luck, sir - it's been a fun ride for us so far.

The thing about pre-flighting the milk in the fridge is SO true. I once got up, poured some breast milk into a bottle, brought it into the baby and collapsed into bed. I held the bottle so he could tip it up to his mouth...and in my sleep-induced stupor, I had forgotten to screw the nipple and cap back onto the bottle. Poor baby was drenched in milk. Guess who had to get up, change the baby, wash the baby, change the bedding, start some laundry at 3am...


Breast-feeding usually solves this.
 
2013-01-07 10:37:20 PM  

Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.


Spelling class?
 
2013-01-07 10:38:16 PM  
This is advice for both you and your wife. It is your job as a unit to see to your child's needs. It is your job as husband to see to your wife's needs and her job to see to yours. Don't get so caught up in baby that you lose sight of one another. I've seen it happen so many times where one parent or the other becomes "all about the baby" and it causes resentment from the spouse. I remember as a kid, my dad would come home from work. I could be there at the door to greet him, he would come in smile tell me he'd love to hear about my day in just a minute and then go find my mom to kiss her hello. These things stick with a kid, and knowing that mommy and daddy are still in love is very very good.
 
2013-01-07 10:38:33 PM  
My lady is 15 weeks today. All I can say is embrace it. Take your pregnant girl with a grain of salt, and take care if and love her. If you go through all of this spiteful, you've screwed your relationship, child, and yourself. All I can say it is humbling. Time to realize you aren't number one anymore, and it is beautiful.
 
2013-01-07 10:38:50 PM  
Wait...Farkers are allowed to procreate? Really? Never mind. i'm gay anyway...
 
2013-01-07 10:40:05 PM  
My advice is to go easy on the Facebook pictures it's OK in small doses but nobody needs to see every damn thing your kid does that you feel is remotely cute.
 
2013-01-07 10:41:15 PM  
Yes, you will make mistakes. Get over it, do the best you can, and don't forget to enjoy the ride. The little suckers grow up really quickly.
 
2013-01-07 10:42:10 PM  
Don't get mad when he or she scribbles in your books. Bath tub crayons are the best bath toy. Read a story to them every day. If you buy them a hundred different movies, they will watch just one a hundred times. Buy paper plates and cups to cut back on dishes. Learn how to make your own sammich.
 
2013-01-07 10:42:49 PM  

The Evil That Lies In The Hearts Of Men: Baby girl: Wipe from front to back.


This, So Much this, oh and be prepared for diaper explosions at the most inopportune times, i.e. 5 minutes after you changed a wet diaper and put her in a car seat for a 2 hour ride to grandma's house, there are good times for diaper explosions i.e. 5 minutes after you have handed her to grandma, seriously your mother will think it is cute and rush off to change her before you can say "mom give her back I will take care of it"
 
2013-01-07 10:43:01 PM  
I asked this exact thread a couple months ago. There's some great stuff in here.

http://www.fark.com/comments/7370101/Subby-found-out-his-wife-was-pre g nant-this-morning-Expected-planned-Breeders-Whats-one-piece-of-advice- you-WISH-you-could-have-had-on-day-one-regarding-your-impending-crotch fruit?startid=79874457
 
2013-01-07 10:43:39 PM  
it's not about you anymore and from here on out it's all on autopilot, brah. enjoy it, your cards are on the table.
 
2013-01-07 10:44:12 PM  
Your job as a father is to provide opportunities and experiences for your child. Some cost money, many do not.

Read to your child, every day until they wont let you any longer (it will be later than you think)

Take your child to the zoo, the aquarium, and every museum within reasonable distance of where you live. Taking that dream vacation to Disney World, subtract one day from the theme parks and take them to the local science museum. Better yet take them to the Kennedy Space Center.

Your child will get interested in something out of your comfort zone, get involved, coach it if you can.

If you have a daughter, she might gravitate towards dolls and makeup. Let her. But dont let her see these as a substitute for math and science.

If you have a daughter, he might gravitate towards sports and video games. Let him. But dont let him see these as a substitute for reading and the arts.

You wont break them. You wont screw them up. Unless you aren't there.
 
2013-01-07 10:44:13 PM  

Mr. Murder: /subby


Get this man a drink and some lotion.

/Welcome to the rest of your life
 
2013-01-07 10:44:14 PM  

CoronaMikl: Just wait until they are six and yell at you from the top of the stairs "I hate you and hope you die. But first can you drive me to the mall?"


six and already hooking at the mall ?
yer kids are advanced
 
2013-01-07 10:44:33 PM  
No matter how cute it looks, don't eat it.
 
2013-01-07 10:45:23 PM  
Hospitals have waiting rooms for a reason. You did your job 9 months ago. Now leave it to the professionals.
 
2013-01-07 10:45:28 PM  
I started late(38) - my boy is now 10 and I'm SO glad that I didn't miss out on this ride - enjoy every minute - even the rough spots at the beginning because it goes too fast. Watching them develop into their own little person is amazing. And it's true, stay involved and they keep you young - it's a gift they give to you, don't miss it.
 
2013-01-07 10:45:33 PM  
Speaking of becoming a dad...Link
 
2013-01-07 10:45:40 PM  

Buddha Belly: Oh, and talk to the baby -- a lot. Very good for brain development.


Dont allow baby talk around your child. It entertains old women and nothing else.
 
2013-01-07 10:45:41 PM  
But seriously, major congrats. Don't pay too much attention to other people's advice and just be the best parent and partner you can be and ignore the fact that I'm drunk as shiat and being very ultra-careful to type this right. Do the best you can and don't worry, be happy!
 
2013-01-07 10:46:52 PM  

skullkrusher: Congrats subs!
You are going to be objectively right an awful lot of times over the next 7 or 8 months. Know that in your head but admit you are wrong every time.


Holy crap, this.

My wife's due date was today. Looks like we're going into overtime. She is...less than pleased with this development.

And, because now I'm going to get curious, I'm probably going to sniff the umbilical cord stump.
 
2013-01-07 10:47:08 PM  
Even babies have a way of letting you know how they are feeling...


i417.photobucket.com
 
2013-01-07 10:48:53 PM  
Keep her off the pole
 
2013-01-07 10:51:37 PM  

willicus: And, because now I'm going to get curious, I'm probably going to sniff the umbilical cord stump.


That never crossed my mind, but I could never look a piece of beef jerky the same again.
 
2013-01-07 10:51:53 PM  
some good advice in here

one more?

when you baby reaches school age, introduce him/her to a close neighbor you know - (and if you don't know any, start now) - in case of some emergencies, someone they know next door can be a hell of a lot better than 911

latch key kids, unite!
 
2013-01-07 10:52:16 PM  
The good news is that if you really screw up it's fun to make more.
 
2013-01-07 10:52:38 PM  
Mama is always right.
 
2013-01-07 10:53:16 PM  
It's good that you already know to come to Fark for parenting advice.
 
2013-01-07 10:53:35 PM  
"Gross" is a sliding scale.
 
2013-01-07 10:53:50 PM  

Tom_Slick: willicus: And, because now I'm going to get curious, I'm probably going to sniff the umbilical cord stump.

That never crossed my mind, but I could never look a piece of beef jerky the same again.


It never occurred to me either, until everyone in this thread said "Don't sniff the stump!"
 
2013-01-07 10:54:03 PM  
Save me some afterbirth. And placenta.
I'm gonna make soup.
 
2013-01-07 10:54:57 PM  
Congrats Mr. and Mrs. Murder, now starts the rest of your life. The best advice I can give is get the both of you into a parenting class ASAP. Don't assume that because you were once children, that you know how to raise a kid. This will give you a chance to see different parenting strategies, and decide which one will work for you. Once you find a strategy, STICK WITH IT. If you and your partner present a united front when it comes to discipline, it will make things a lot easier over the long run.

//father of 5
//// yes Mrs Engineer and I know what causes them
//// and we are very good at it.
 
2013-01-07 10:55:49 PM  

Mr. Murder: /subby


1. Never wake a sleeping baby.
2. Form a habit and try not to break it. Eat meals together. Always.
3. Learn to cook as a hobby. Involve your kid at a young age. It will improve both your diets/nutrition. No time? Why yes you do. Shut the stupid TV off.
4. Never treat the like they are stupid. Kids are naturally very intelligent and curious.
5. Never lie. Even the simple stuff. This takes all forms. For instance, if you are going to leave them in their bedroom and go to sleep do not tell them you will come back in 10 minutes and lay down with them to go to sleep. It is better to just tell them the truth no matter how small they are. Deal with the crying up front and they will stop it. Never try to "slip out" on them when you leave them somewhere like a babysitter or if you have one over to your house. For instance if you drop your kid off at day care do not just pop out when their back is turned to avoid crying. Let them cry and tell them the truth "I have to go to work now and I'll be back later to pick you up". This seems stupid and simple but it is a huge deal. They will trust you after just a few days whereas otherwise they will learn to despise you and mistrust you.
6. Do not use sarcasm or "kid" them. This is immature of you and also you have a position of authority over them.
7. Do not tickle excessively or let others do it. It is a sign of abuse.
8. Do not feed them juice. It is not nutrition. Numerous studies show that even small amounts stunt their growth, contribute to obesity, and lower IQ.
9. Involve them with helping you even when it is easier to do yourself. They will learn to love to help you (see cooking as an example). This almost always means taking longer to do basic chores like vacuuming. It almost always means they will do it wrong. It means broken things. This is the "cost of doing business".
10. Learn to play again.
11. Do not tolerate lying.
12. Improve your own behavior now in order to perform items 1-11.
 
2013-01-07 10:57:30 PM  

indylaw: People won't admit it, but babies are welcome everywhere. The movies, restaurants, strip clubs.


It's true, strippers LOVE kids.
 
2013-01-07 10:57:39 PM  
Babies are cute and all but it's also harrrrrrrd work. The toughest so far was the first 6 months or so until my daughter started sleeping thru the nights (oh thank you sweet Jesus that getting up 5 times a night is finally over. Then we had a short reprieve where things were perfect as could be but now she's 21 months and hitting those terrible two's. Gaaaaaahhhhh all the crying over everrrrythiiiing!!!

LoL I love my daughter more than anyone or anything but so farking glad I had to have my uterus ripped from my body.

Good luck ;)
 
2013-01-07 10:58:30 PM  

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


So I hear, but it's never happened to me.

Get all the sleep you can, because once your kiddo hits about two weeks old, forget it, you're NEVER.SLEEPING.AGAIN.
 
2013-01-07 10:59:55 PM  
1) Have a sprayer attachment put on your kitchen faucet if you don't have one already, they're easier to wash into the sink.
2) When you first start feeding them adult food, take their clothes off first.
 
2013-01-07 11:00:00 PM  

Tom_Slick: Tom_Slick: The Evil That Lies In The Hearts Of Men: Baby girl: Wipe from front to back.

This, So Much this, oh and be prepared for diaper explosions at the most inopportune times, i.e. 5 minutes after you changed a wet diaper and put her in a car seat for a 2 hour ride to grandma's house, there are good times for diaper explosions i.e. 5 minutes after you have handed her to grandma, seriously your mother will think it is cute and rush off to change her before you can say "mom give her back I will take care of it"


OTOH, frequent diaper explosions over a long period of time can indicate a problem.  Mine came down with ulcerative colitis when she was nine.

/was hosing her down in the back yard when the WTC got hit
 
2013-01-07 11:00:02 PM  
1. Mylicon gas drops. There will come a time when your baby is screaming bloody murder. The usuals suspects have been eliminated: diaper's dry, they've been feed, temp is good, etc. That's when you reach for the gas drops.

2. Beware parenting advice from people who do not live with your kid 24/7 like you do - which is likely everyone. Not all kids are the same... You'll figure it out.
 
2013-01-07 11:00:46 PM  
My little dude is about 3.5 months and we just transitioned him to the crib. ERMAGHERD it is the best thing ever. That night he sleeps through for the first time will be the greatest moment of your life. And, oh man, they are wayyyyy fun!
 
2013-01-07 11:01:49 PM  
Sleep. Sleep from right now until you have to drive to the hospital.

And drink

But mostly sleep.
 
2013-01-07 11:01:55 PM  
If your wife breastfeeds, don't worry about if the baby is getting 'enough'. As long as the plumbing is working they are getting plenty.
 
2013-01-07 11:02:04 PM  

gunsmack: You're going to be a father today? That's pretty short notice.


Came to say this. Glad I'm not the only one. Sad I'm the only one to reply to your post...
 
2013-01-07 11:02:29 PM  
If that's what your conscience tells you, go ahead and be a father but just remember what's said in the booth is secret and hands off the altar boys.
 
2013-01-07 11:02:37 PM  
1-Tell them that you Love them often.
2-For fever Tylenol for kids-wait 4 hours, Advil for kids-wait 8 hours. 99% of high fevers do not need a trip to the doctor.
3-Religion should require informed consent
4-Get a baby food mill for starting solid food
5-Let them eat dirt
6-The media is not reflective of actual statistics
7-Before giving a gift, unpack it then put it back in the box. They will play with the box if it is big enough
 
2013-01-07 11:02:50 PM  
Don't treat your pregnant SO like she's delicate Chinaware, but when she gives you the signal that she's had enough, offer her something (tea, crackers, neck rub, foot stool, cold compress... whatever works for her).

Discuss ahead of time with your SO what you (really SHE) wants from the birthing process - I was firm that I did not want to give birth on my back, ended up in a birthing chair and it was the best thing ever for me. And if you find an OB that insists on something you or she doesn't want, find a new one. And if they try and push something else while in the hospital, don't let them unless it's a medical emergency.

As far as parenthood, you're going to fark up. Accept that and move on. We all do the best we can. Ask friends/family for advice but don't follow it unless it resonates. Don't let someone try and dictate how you should or shouldn't do something that works for your family. I tossed so-called "friends" out of my life completely for getting WAYYY too much up in my business.

If you have a girl, play dolls with her, let her dress you up, and sit down and have tea with her. Also show her how to throw a ball, climb a tree, and look for salamanders. If you have a boy, do the same thing.

Don't let them rule the roost. Put rules into place and have consequences when the rules are broken. Children respond very well when they are given boundaries and it is their job to test you. If you keep letting them slide, they have learned that you don't mean what you say and all they need to do is manipulate you a little more to get what they want.

Those are the bare bones I can offer. Aside from that, trust your judgement. CONGRATULATIONS. You are soon to be responsible for a micro-human. Enjoy!
 
2013-01-07 11:03:07 PM  
Sleep when the baby sleeps. Hahahahaha, just kidding. That never works. But seriously, don't hit your kid.
 
2013-01-07 11:03:39 PM  
Paternity test. Don't ask, just do it. Doubly true if you're not married.

Don't ever look comfortable, because that's a signal for the kid to bug you.

Don't expect anything by the book.

Don't expect sleep.

Forget about sex for the next year, well, 50/50 chance of that.

Always offer them something new, even if you don't like it: skiing, football (soccer), dance, gymnastics, swimming, et al.

Be prepared to live at the parks in the summer.

Teach them to cook, clean, and be respectful starting as young as you can.

LET THEM PLAY, HAVE FUN, AND BE KIDS.

Don't take yourself too seriously.

Don't explain things at more of a level than they need at a given time, my daughter saw me get out of the shower, and literally asked what "that" was at age 3. "Daddy is a boy and has boy parts. You're a girl like mommy and have girl parts." That ended that conversation for several years.

Have fun.
 
2013-01-07 11:04:59 PM  
 
2013-01-07 11:05:18 PM  
Sleep now. You won't be able to for a looong time. If you're one of those people that like to sleep in on the weekend... I'm so sorry :)

/father of two and lovin' it
//also, sleep-deprived
 
2013-01-07 11:05:35 PM  
A lesson I learned recently: when your spawn begins practising her (or his) verbal communication skills, it is a good idea to be careful what you say until they understand the concepts of context and appropriateness of venue. When it comes to language, kids are like sponges...sponges which immediately get the words squeezed right back out of them.

/Learned this the hard way when I was telling my wife I thought that somebody was a coont
//My lovely two-year-old daughter who hears all looked straight at me and sweetly said, "coont."
///Thinking fast, I grabbed her coat and said, "you want your COAT? Here's your COAT. I'm holding your COAT right here!"
////Slashies
 
2013-01-07 11:05:51 PM  
Best advice I can give you is this:

Don't be an asshole to your kid. This includes putting the kid down, using the kid as built in forced labor, etc.
 
2013-01-07 11:05:55 PM  
Beethoven's 3rd Symphony, Georg Solti conducting. Sit the child down to listen ot it. Get the the kids's attention for a second. Tell the child it's about them. If they wander off, it's OK.
 
2013-01-07 11:07:32 PM  
remember, when you run out of olive oil you can make more from squeezing olives
when you run out of lemon oil, you can make some more by squeezing lemons

both under great pressure

note--if you run out of baby oil--you can't squeeze the babay!!
 
2013-01-07 11:08:19 PM  
If I was subby, I would turn myself in for rape right now. After all, rape is any sexual act a man performs on a woman.
 
2013-01-07 11:10:01 PM  
They typically make better men out of most of us. Congrats!!!
 
2013-01-07 11:10:27 PM  
The best thing you can do with your kid is spend time with them, paying attention to them. It almost doesn't matter what or where or how or whatever, just do it with them, involving them when at all possible.

Oh, and eff your wife as much as possible during pregnancy, as much as she will put up with. Don't be a sissy and let the life growing inside her put you off your grub, just be a man and do it.
 
2013-01-07 11:11:58 PM  

thrgd456: The best thing you can do with your kid is spend time with them, paying attention to them. It almost doesn't matter what or where or how or whatever, just do it with them, involving them when at all possible.

Oh, and eff your wife as much as possible during pregnancy, as much as she will put up with. Don't be a sissy and let the life growing inside her put you off your grub, just be a man and do it.


You shouldn't be advising him to rape his wife. That's illegal.
 
2013-01-07 11:12:03 PM  
During delivery, don't look under the sheet that will be placed over your wife's knees. That sheet is there for your protection. It protects you from a nightmarish vision that you cannot UNSEE. Not kidding. Seriously, don't look. You don't want to see that. You will be scarred.

Don't believe me? Go get a nice roast beef sandwich from the deli, nice warm bread, perfectly marbled meat, crisp fresh lettuce, the perfect amount of sauce.....looks delicious doesn't it? A work of art.........Now, ad a little too much ketchup to that sandwich, and set it on the ground. Now stomp on it a few times, kick some dirt into it......now do you want to eat that sandwich? Will you ever see another roast beef sandwich without remembering what that stomped-ketchupy-mess looked like after you mangled it?
 
2013-01-07 11:12:33 PM  
Just as all my children the second they were cleaned up and handed to me, I told them that I would do everything in my power to protect them and I would love them forever... I wrote them a letter of the times that they were born, Sadly, I predicted the end of my first born. He was a protector, a hater of bullies and was a lover of history... RIP SPC Micheal "Pokey" Phillips.. the world someday may see you again, may you live in peace in the next one.
 
2013-01-07 11:12:51 PM  
Just do the best you can; children are surprisingly resilient to your minor mistakes.

It's worth having/raising kids because that's the only way to get grandchildren; you'll have figured it out by then.
 
2013-01-07 11:13:20 PM  
Go easy on the infant toys and convince your relatives and friends to do the same.
My 11 mo nephew has thousands of dollars in highly rated infant development toys he doesn't give a rats ass about.
You need a couple of flashy light music playing things, not dozens of them. Limit yourself to a couple from each category of stuffed animals, squishy plastic books you can throw in the dishwasher, multitextured fabric and plastic thingies with loads of tags on them, squishy fabric thingies that make crinkly noises, and chewy rubber squeaky things.
Have the relatives gift useful things like pharmacy and kiddy clothing store gift cards instead of toys the the kid will never play with for more than 30 seconds.
Start a college fund now and have relatives give to that now instead of buying a 30th plush penguin. Compound interest isn't just a theory.
Most importantly, don't be a dick and teach your kid not to be a dick.
 
2013-01-07 11:15:00 PM  
Subby - congrats!

The only advice I have is to watch out for Charlie Sheen...

He's out there..

and waiting....
 
2013-01-07 11:15:02 PM  
Congratulations. My only advice would be to save something every pay to begin building an education fund for Junior.
 
2013-01-07 11:15:07 PM  
They will physically hurt you. Bad. And their cuteness will prevent you from defending yourself. Wear protection:

www.kochmartialarts.net

www.silvermane.com
 
2013-01-07 11:15:15 PM  

wjmorris3: If I was subby, I would turn myself in for rape right now. After all, rape is any sexual act a man performs on a woman.


But she wouldn't have gotten pregnant if that were the case. The woman's body has defenses against that, remember. The Repubs said so.
 
2013-01-07 11:15:44 PM  
Put a diaper over your shoulder before burping the kid, unless you have a spit-up fetish.

View nighttime feedings/diaper changing as little happy visits instead of a chore. I have a lot of happy memories of sitting in the near dark with John and a bottle ALL BY MYSELF. Mwa ha ha!

If he's breast feeding, be careful how you hold him unless you've got a tshirt on, because they'll latch onto YOU, and it really feels weird as hell.

Keep a hand on him when changing, they wait for you to turn your back and try to throw themselves on the floor. I never had it happen to me, but the missus was changing John at about 10 months and he did a snap roll off the changing table, landed in the drawer full of diapers below, no harm no foul.

Also if it's a boy, he'll try to pee on you when you change him. Peel the thing back, let the cold air hit, then put the old diaper back on for a few seconds. Unless you like faceful-o'-pee.
 
BBH
2013-01-07 11:15:52 PM  
The more parenting you do early, even through the "terrible twos", will ease the "terrible teens".
 
2013-01-07 11:16:50 PM  
You guys...I'm so torn after reading all of this.

I'm a single Dad.

I don't know what the fark I am doing and I need help for my brains.

The only true love I'll defend to the death was when the three of us hugged and were close. No one can ever take that away from me.
 
2013-01-07 11:19:09 PM  
1. Baby Signing: Kids can learn basic sign language as early as 6-9 months. Knowing that they want "more" or a "drink" or "eat" or they "pooped" covers 90% of the conversations and cuts down on your stress and their screaming.
2. I know people have mentioned sleep, but it bears mentioning again. Your wife will want to "take care of stuff" when the baby is napping. Until your kid sleeps through the night, your wife should be napping when the baby is napping. Especially if she's breast feeding.
3. breast feeding: Do what every you can to support your wife in this. Go to breast feeding classes with her. Breast feeding is great. it's good for the kid, good for the mom, it's free, and their poop doesn't smell (or at least doesn't smell bad).
4. Post-birth visitors: Any visitor who stays for more than an hour should be helping! They should be cooking, cleaning, holding the baby. You should not be serving them.
5. If you can afford it, we had umbilical blood drawn and sent off to store umbilical stem cells. In case your kid gets some weird disease, you'll have access to their own stem cells.
6. Make sure you have a support system, either friends or family who can help. If your wife will be home alone with the kid without support, she'll start to go MORE nutso than she would otherwise.
7. Enjoy your baby and all the things that happen. It'll be hard at first. You'll fight with your wife, you'll snap at each other. You'll get the wrong diapers, or you won't do it they way she wants you to. Just try to be reasonable and realize that it'll get easier.
8. Getting out of the house on time will be nearly impossible. Understand that you will be late to almost everything. Don't stress it. People who have kids will understand. People who don't--fark 'em.
9. Sleep. SLEEP damnit. There's a line from one of the Bourne books about how sleep is a weapon. The better rested you are, the better you'll be able to deal with everything.
10. Baby's do NOT need a bath every day.

Good luck!
 
2013-01-07 11:19:52 PM  
Oh, and be consistent. Being wishy-washy or letting the kid split you and the missus leads to endless whiny negotiations later, and I think the kid feels like he knows where his boundaries are a bit better if you're as consistent as possible. If you're NOT going to be consistent, that's the time to explain. It saves a lot of grief later.

/Dad, can I ...
//Can you?
///No.
////There you go, then. Next year, we'll reevaluate that. But for now, you can't without your mother or myself there. Maybe if you're at Uncle Todd or Dan's. But not with your buddies.
 
2013-01-07 11:20:48 PM  
Oh, and be aware that baby-brain is a real thing. A woman's brain shrinks by like 6% during pregnancy. It's believed that the baby takes lipids or something. It takes 6 months to 2 years to recover. So if your wife seems a little more scatterbrained than usually, she can't help it.
 
2013-01-07 11:22:51 PM  
Move out of the USA. This ship is going down.

In the parlance of the Eco-Communists and their brethren who are responsible for its demise, the current situation is not "sustainable."
 
2013-01-07 11:22:57 PM  
Some to add:

During pregnancy: Almost every symptom imaginable is apparently both a normal symptom of pregnancy and a symptom of a serious life threatening condition. Not much to do about this but be prepared for frustration if you try looking up whether something is harmless or not.

Take your SO's side on visitation scheduling for your parents/siblings immediately after the baby is born.

Adopt a "haters gonna hate" attitude to the multitudes who will offer unsolicited advice and/or commentary on parenting and naming choices.
 
2013-01-07 11:23:16 PM  
Oh, and breast fed kids hardly ever spit up. When they're bottle fed they tend to drink too much.
If your kid seems colicky then look up "elimination diet". My wife cut out everything except turkey, rice, and two other plain things (I can't remember which) and my kid went from screaming all the time to screaming 10% of the time. Something my wife was eating was bothering the kid when breast feeding. Most of the stuff the elimination diet eliminated was stuff she ate a lot of.
 
2013-01-07 11:25:33 PM  
Falcon Punch?
 
2013-01-07 11:25:50 PM  

White_Scarf_Syndrome: I'm a single Dad.

I don't know what the fark I am doing and I need help for my brains.



As another single dad, I can offer the following advice, ignore the woman who act like they know better than you because you are a man. Also you will find a lot of married women will suddenly try to fix you up with single friends. You can do this by yourself, I've done it for the last 4 years since my wife died.

/did recently get engaged to my daughters babysitter, long strange story there.
 
2013-01-07 11:26:07 PM  
No snark here as I'm a sucker for my kids (one turned 2 on Saturday and the other is 6 months). This has probably been stated, but I'm too lazy to read all the comments:
1. If your wife wants to breastfeed and can't or cannot sustain it for very long, just be supportive no matter what. Nursing is hard work and a lot of women feel like failures if they can't do it, so just lend an ear if she wants to talk about it and support her.

2. If your wife doesn't want to breastfeed at all, support her in that too.

3. You CANNOT spoil a baby. Their brains are not developed enough to link cause and effect (eg, If I cry, they'll pay attention). Crying is their only way to communicate when they're new, so pick them up, cuddle them, tend to them immediately. And don't give your wife crap if she drops everything to tend to the baby when he/she is crying. The crying of a baby causes a very realistic painful feeling for most moms.

4. Make sure you and your wife give yourselves a break from the baby. Parenting is hard work and you'll have times where you just want a break. That's totally okay and you should allow yourselves that freedom from time to time.

5. Read, sing, talk to the baby. They love to hear your voices.

6. You know what's best for your child. Take everyone's advice with a grain of salt as no one will know your child's quirks better than you. Follow your gut. If you feel like something's wrong and you want to ask your doctor, call them. That's why they're there. Don't feel stupid or that you should know better.

And remember:
The cleaning and scrubbing can wait 'til tomorrow
For children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow
So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep

/yes, I'm a sap
 
2013-01-07 11:26:45 PM  
You can not own enough bibs. There are dishwasher safe silicone bibs for solid feeding time. Buy them.
 
2013-01-07 11:27:39 PM  

farkerintx: During delivery, don't look under the sheet that will be placed over your wife's knees. That sheet is there for your protection. It protects you from a nightmarish vision that you cannot UNSEE. Not kidding. Seriously, don't look. You don't want to see that. You will be scarred.

Don't believe me? Go get a nice roast beef sandwich from the deli, nice warm bread, perfectly marbled meat, crisp fresh lettuce, the perfect amount of sauce.....looks delicious doesn't it? A work of art.........Now, ad a little too much ketchup to that sandwich, and set it on the ground. Now stomp on it a few times, kick some dirt into it......now do you want to eat that sandwich? Will you ever see another roast beef sandwich without remembering what that stomped-ketchupy-mess looked like after you mangled it?


I saw my kids before my wife did. If I hadn't looked I wouldn't have seen:

My son come out with his fist up by his head (making it even harder on my wife).
My daughter come out with a full head of hair that looked like a mass of freshly cut grass because there was meconium in the amniotic sac (meconium is baby poop).

Those are some of the most vivid and exciting memories I have of those days.
 
2013-01-07 11:28:11 PM  
farm4.staticflickr.com
 
2013-01-07 11:29:37 PM  

willicus: skullkrusher: Congrats subs!
You are going to be objectively right an awful lot of times over the next 7 or 8 months. Know that in your head but admit you are wrong every time.

Holy crap, this.

My wife's due date was today. Looks like we're going into overtime. She is...less than pleased with this development.

And, because now I'm going to get curious, I'm probably going to sniff the umbilical cord stump.


hehe good luck. My wife went almost a week over. If he waited another 2 days she was going in to be induced.
Now i have the funniest little adorable monster ever entertaining the hell out of me the whole time I am home :)
 
2013-01-07 11:31:10 PM  

Jixa: wjmorris3: If I was subby, I would turn myself in for rape right now. After all, rape is any sexual act a man performs on a woman.

But she wouldn't have gotten pregnant if that were the case. The woman's body has defenses against that, remember. The Repubs said so.


The Bible says "Thou shalt not lie with... a woman, this is an abomination."
 
2013-01-07 11:31:28 PM  
Speak to your kids using real words, not baby talk. The more real words you use, the less they have to learn then unlearn.

e.g. use cut or scrape instead of "boo boo". use vagina instead of "hoo hoo". :) Use the real words. You can use them in a soothing voice, but made up words just makes the learning harder.
 
2013-01-07 11:34:13 PM  

Zelron: Speak to your kids using real words, not baby talk. The more real words you use, the less they have to learn then unlearn.

e.g. use cut or scrape instead of "boo boo". use vagina instead of "hoo hoo". :) Use the real words. You can use them in a soothing voice, but made up words just makes the learning harder.


No, the word is vulva.
 
2013-01-07 11:34:29 PM  

prickle27



Kids can't see beyond their own needs. So they'll act like little selfish assholes, try not to let it get to you.


weird you say that, because I was just listening to "Ideas" on CBC radio, and the guest speaker on it was talking about how around the age of 7 or 8, kids get out of the "self centered" era into the "putting yourself in another's shoes" era of their life.
 
2013-01-07 11:35:31 PM  

blueyd1:
2. If your wife doesn't want to breastfeed at all, support her in that too.


And there's no reason she can't pump enough for the night, then it's YOUR turn to take up the load. I got to where I could hear my babies stirring around just before they'd wake up, I could change 'em and plug a bottle in before they started crying. Gives the missus a bit of unbroken rest.


5. Read, sing, talk to the baby. They love to hear your voices.


And dance. Don't forget dancing. Pick 'em up, hold 'em close, sing and dance around like an idiot.
 
2013-01-07 11:36:15 PM  

Majick Thise: Have ONE and ONLY ONE child.

Seriously.. If you have one it's a fun hobby. Work yeah but good work.

BUT the work load when you add a second kid doesn't just double.. oh no. It increases by an order of magnitude. Let's use the term 'work unit' as a measure of the work you do when having a child. If a single child is 10 work units a day, two children are 75 work units a day..

No one ever listens to me on this, maybe you will be the first.


I think we have more free time with two kids, because they play with each other. My son helps his younger sister. Sure they fight sometimes, but they spend a lot more time playing together. Making two sandwiches isn't that much harder than making one, and it doesn't take any more time for them to be eaten, etc.
 
2013-01-07 11:36:42 PM  

theMagni: Take a lot of pictures, but keep only the good shots.


No. Save a few special pictures that you can use to completely embarrass your child when he/she hits those teen years and is a miserable human being to be around.  It's the only power you will have at that point.
 
2013-01-07 11:37:10 PM  
One of you will be Soylent Green. Flip him for it.

And now the real advice: Teach the kid to read, to write and to do four-function math and to think critically. Because the schools aren't doing that to their precious snowflakes, although everyone is having fun with a capital farked.
 
2013-01-07 11:37:41 PM  
Don't let her read any of the blogs or birth sites while pregnant as there is just too much trauma there. If she has something that makes her wonder you look it up and only tell her when things might be an issue, it saves a lot of drama and worry and with her hormones on full tilt it helps to filter out the crazy.

There are a lot of people with opinions on what is best, and what you should do, but your best option is to read up a lot of different sides and find what you will be happy with tell the others to go fly a kite it is your kid you will raise them as you see fit.

There is never such a thing as giving your kid too much love, things yes, love no.

Remember that your kid is watching you at all times and trying to mimic you so when you are mad sad or indifferent remember that is what they will see and try to emulate.

Get ahead of the game and get the room ready asap so you have plenty of time to chill later and if you cherish sleep try to enjoy a few months of what you will remember as the last few months you actually slept well. The first 6 months are tough on the sleep side but it gets better.

When you are at the hospital just after birth, if you haven't slept in the last day or two let the nurses take the baby for a few hours and get sleep. You might not want to but it is best for the baby as well as the safety for them at that point is rapidly diminishing.

In the end it can be as great or horrible as you allow it to be. Life is what you make it. Having a kid is the best thing in the world but if you don't step back a bit and realize how great it is, you get caught up in some of the drudgery. There are tons of poopy diapers, getting peed on spit up on, a huge learning curve and all the rest of the fun, laugh about as much as you can because again this is how they will learn through you to deal with adversity and they will be the thing you love more than you can imagine possible.
 
2013-01-07 11:40:16 PM  

katerbug72: Don't let the kid sleep in the bed with you. You'll have a hell of a time getting them not to later.
If they bite you, don't bite them back, that doesn't help the matter.
Test out the different diaper brands before committing. NEVER buy Luvs, you may as well wrap them in a Kleenex.
An iPod touch is a sanity saver at the store or doctor's office.
Don't buy too many clothes in one size as they'll grow out of them before they can wear them all....that goes for shoes too.
Wipes warmers are awesome for those middle of the night changes, much less firehosing.

/I know there's more but that'll do for now


Well, unless you're practicing attachment parenting. Yah, it'll be hard to get them out of bed, but my kids always have friends and seem to be the kids that everyone in the class likes.
 
2013-01-07 11:40:50 PM  

skullkrusher: willicus: skullkrusher: Congrats subs!
You are going to be objectively right an awful lot of times over the next 7 or 8 months. Know that in your head but admit you are wrong every time.

Holy crap, this.

My wife's due date was today. Looks like we're going into overtime. She is...less than pleased with this development.

And, because now I'm going to get curious, I'm probably going to sniff the umbilical cord stump.

hehe good luck. My wife went almost a week over. If he waited another 2 days she was going in to be induced.
Now i have the funniest little adorable monster ever entertaining the hell out of me the whole time I am home :)


Thanks. I made her some spicy brownies that are supposed to help jump start labor, but they don't seem to be working yet. She's going to be induced on Sunday night if the kid waits that long. Man, I hope the kid doesn't wait that long.
 
2013-01-07 11:41:22 PM  
Sometimes it's really hard but you will survive!
 
2013-01-07 11:41:40 PM  
Oh - and say goodbye to friends who don't have kids.
 
2013-01-07 11:43:06 PM  
RUN!
 
2013-01-07 11:44:15 PM  
My advice:
You're preparing a future adult for a life worth living. Every attitude you demonstrate will be considered and absorbed by your children. They have a vibrant mind even before they're born. They're like a sponge: make sure they absorb the wonders, manners, and attitudes that will turn them into confident, compassionate, productive members of society.
Every person is a work of art. Go full Michelangelo on this one.
 
2013-01-07 11:44:28 PM  

Tom_Slick: /did recently get engaged to my daughters babysitter, long strange story there.


And that story starts, "Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me...."
 
2013-01-07 11:44:49 PM  
As soon as my son picked a stuffed dog that he had to sleep with every night and wanted to take everywhere, I went online and ordered two more of them. I kept them hidden, and ran them through with every load of laundry for a couple of weeks until they were as worn as the original. This way, any time he spilled juice on his dog, or soaked it with urine, or threw up on it, or his diaper failed and that got all over it, I could take the fouled dog to the laundry room "to wash him up" and simply swap it for a fresh one instead of having to go into immediate panic laundry mode while a crying kid waits for his stuffed animal. Having secret body doubles also came in handy a couple of times when the dog got left at grandma's house and it was too far to go back: "Oh, I bet he'll already be home by the time we get there, little buddy."
 
2013-01-07 11:45:27 PM  

willicus: skullkrusher: willicus: skullkrusher: Congrats subs!
You are going to be objectively right an awful lot of times over the next 7 or 8 months. Know that in your head but admit you are wrong every time.

Holy crap, this.

My wife's due date was today. Looks like we're going into overtime. She is...less than pleased with this development.

And, because now I'm going to get curious, I'm probably going to sniff the umbilical cord stump.

hehe good luck. My wife went almost a week over. If he waited another 2 days she was going in to be induced.
Now i have the funniest little adorable monster ever entertaining the hell out of me the whole time I am home :)

Thanks. I made her some spicy brownies that are supposed to help jump start labor, but they don't seem to be working yet. She's going to be induced on Sunday night if the kid waits that long. Man, I hope the kid doesn't wait that long.


Indian food kicked my wife off. If this is your first, don't stress. It's scary as shiat for everyone I think but it is awesome. Go home after the first night and get some sleep assuming your wife is going to be in the hospital until the next day (after some free shots at the local of course). You'll both need all your energy especially until you get a routine down.

If it's not your first, what the fark you having another for?? didn't you learn your lesson???
 
2013-01-07 11:46:21 PM  

Mr. Murder: /subby


Be careful of any advice given.  Pregnancy and parenthood tend to bring out people's inner moron.  Take all advice with a grain of salt.
 
2013-01-07 11:48:14 PM  

The Evil That Lies In The Hearts Of Men: Oh - and say goodbye to friends who don't have kids.


We found the opposite. We supply the booze and they are happy to come over and hang out here. Luckily the boy sleeps like a rock and has a nice, solid 2 hour nap in the late morning so mommy and daddy can sleep it off if need be.
 
2013-01-07 11:49:12 PM  
For boys' middle names, "Lee" and "Wayne" always lead to fame.

For a girl, you enjoy much more leeway to ensure her a lucrative career:
- Cars: Lexus/Lexi, Sable, Mercedes, Prius
- Minerals: Christal/Krystall, Diamond, Jade, Amber, Feldspar
- Foods/Spices: Ginger, Sage, Pepper, Jasmine, Candy, Cinnamon, Cinnabon
- Weather: Misty, Stormee, Cloud, Wendy, Snowe, Rayne, Windcock
- Places: Dakota, Savannah, China, Cheyenne, Asia, Dubuque
 
2013-01-07 11:49:51 PM  

skullkrusher: willicus: skullkrusher: willicus: skullkrusher: Congrats subs!
You are going to be objectively right an awful lot of times over the next 7 or 8 months. Know that in your head but admit you are wrong every time.

Holy crap, this.

My wife's due date was today. Looks like we're going into overtime. She is...less than pleased with this development.

And, because now I'm going to get curious, I'm probably going to sniff the umbilical cord stump.

hehe good luck. My wife went almost a week over. If he waited another 2 days she was going in to be induced.
Now i have the funniest little adorable monster ever entertaining the hell out of me the whole time I am home :)

Thanks. I made her some spicy brownies that are supposed to help jump start labor, but they don't seem to be working yet. She's going to be induced on Sunday night if the kid waits that long. Man, I hope the kid doesn't wait that long.

Indian food kicked my wife off. If this is your first, don't stress. It's scary as shiat for everyone I think but it is awesome. Go home after the first night and get some sleep assuming your wife is going to be in the hospital until the next day (after some free shots at the local of course). You'll both need all your energy especially until you get a routine down.

If it's not your first, what the fark you having another for?? didn't you learn your lesson???


It is our first. My wife used to love Indian food, but ever since she got pregnant, it makes her queasy. We're both excited and, while still nervous, ready for the kid to show up. She's excited to no longer have something squashing her bladder.
 
2013-01-07 11:52:42 PM  
Twins are much more common than you think, and they will own you 24/7 (x2).
 
2013-01-07 11:52:58 PM  
1. Then whenFor the next 9 months. Learn patience, and how to say 'yes dear'

2. Keep telling her how beautiful she is. She feels fat and ugly, and needs reassurance.

3. Learn how to give back rubs and foot massages.

4. When you pack a bag for that fateful night don't forget yourself. You'll need one to. I didn't and she threw up on me twice.

5. Then when the child is newly born and is looking you in the eye, as you wonder 'can I do this' the answer is 'yes you can'
 
2013-01-07 11:55:36 PM  

willicus: It is our first. My wife used to love Indian food, but ever since she got pregnant, it makes her queasy. We're both excited and, while still nervous, ready for the kid to show up. She's excited to no longer have something squashing her bladder.


my wife couldn't stand the taste or even smell of cooking red meat. She did find a post-partum fondness for Guinness that she never had before though.
Good luck dude, after a few weeks it is a shiatload easier than it sounds. Still a ton of work but once you're past your fear of breaking him/her and learn to relax it goes a lot more smoothly.
Sitz baths, ice packs and Tucks medicated pads will make your wife happy especially if she gets an episiotomy. Pick some up and have them ready to go at home.
 
2013-01-07 11:57:26 PM  
My dad is very special to me. He tells me the truth but is also encouraging. Do the best you an and she/he will appreciate it a lot!
 
2013-01-08 12:00:57 AM  
Know the signs of autism and get screened. The smallest little things wrong can be warnings for something huge.

//early intervention helps a lot.
 
2013-01-08 12:01:49 AM  
I didn't read the whole thread because I am a dad who is dealing with a 2 1/2 year old who decided sleep isn't cool. He can't find his teeny tiny Luke Skywalker angry bird figure and he is freaking the hell out. Here's my advice: you are going to screw up many times, but kids are hard to break. Don't be too hard on yourself. Also, get an external hard drive to save videos and photos. Smart phones fail or get broken all the time, and chances are you will use your phone to capture most stuff. The most important advice, though... routine. Work the sleep schedule. Believe in it, never vary. It is easy to let the kid into your bed at two AM because you are exhausted and half brain dead. You think it is a one time thing. It is not.

Also, get the "happiest baby on the block" video. Nevermind, Email me your address and I will send you mine.That stuff is golden, man. Congrats.
 
2013-01-08 12:02:01 AM  
Good news: Most days it's really not as bad as what people say there are.

Bad news: Some days are actually worst than what people say they are.

Also for the first time ever in your life you will actually know that there is someone whom you value more than your very own life and more than everything or anything in this world... that my friend changes EVERYTHING!
 
2013-01-08 12:02:55 AM  
Oh yeah, When she yacks during delivery, buckle up daddy...babby is imminent.

I was not informed of the Transition Phase.

Lots of shaking and the ONLY time I vomited during the entire pregnancy.
 
2013-01-08 12:06:13 AM  

erewhon: blueyd1:


5. Read, sing, talk to the baby. They love to hear your voices.


And dance. Don't forget dancing. Pick 'em up, hold 'em close, sing and dance around like an idiot.


This... very importantly this.
 
2013-01-08 12:07:08 AM  
You are likely going to see your wife shiat for (probably) the first time.
 
2013-01-08 12:07:46 AM  
I have 5 kids in various stages of maturity/psychosis

1. You're going to make mistakes. It's ok. Humans are resilient. The fact that you're asking for help means you care enough to succeed. There are millions of people out there that don't have the resources, intelligence, or investment that you do and the vast majority of those kids get along just fine.

2. Nothing is more important than time. "Quality Time" is horse shiat. Quantity. You can't spend too much time with them at any age.

3. Let them make mistakes that don't have permanent consequences. It's going to hurt you a whole lot more than it hurts them, and it's the best and fastest way for them to learn.

4. Need help? These are as good as it gets:

http://www.amazon.com/Power-Positive-Parenting-Wonderful-Children/dp/ 1 567131751

http://www.loveandlogic.com/

5. Set the example. If you want them to serve others, let them see you serve. If you want them to work hard, let them work with you. They WILL mimic you, sooner or later. Be prepared to see the uncomfortable truths about yourself revealed in their behavior as they grow up. If you sit in front of the computer all day playing video games be prepared for them to do the same, etc.
 
2013-01-08 12:08:53 AM  
Always bear in mind that it's not as easy as you'd hoped, but it's not as hard as you think.
 
2013-01-08 12:10:21 AM  
Go to bed now and don't wake up until she goes into labor. You're not going to sleep for the first year, so stock up now.
/Became father in March 2011, didn't get a full night's sleep until Feb 2012
//Congrats! It's the best thing that will ever happen to you.
 
2013-01-08 12:15:10 AM  

bilgemaster: gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.

/Or don't, 'cause it's hilarious, and you'll maybe be needing that memory when he dents up your Dodge.


In fact, videotape it. It will come in useful later. Like when all his buddies are visiting and you want to get him back for denting up your Dodge.

My dad was kinder, he just beat me.
 
2013-01-08 12:15:32 AM  
Congrats. Soon, the 18 month sleep depravation experiment will begin....

I'll second the advice about getting the kid out of bed with you sooner than later. Basically, your wife will want to have your little one there between you forever. When you finally get them to a crib, they'll start bawling their eyes out. DON'T LISTEN. Your wife will cave first and try to calm the kid, and it will make it worse. You need to let the kid cry themselves out of it - oh, and the longer you wait to separate you from them the worse it will be.

When they get older you'll have a ton of stuff to do and they'll seem like an interruption - make time for them. Go over homework, read with them, etc. Make sure they KNOW they're important to you.

Key: Make sure you prioritize your wife first (and she to you as well). Make sure the kids know that Mom gets first dibs. Otherwise, your kids will come first to both of you, and your marriage will suffer.

Diaper stuff is messy as everyone above says - but you'll get through it. Just go to the Army surplus store and buy a gas mask.

Lastly, watch this: Bill Cosby on Childbirth
 
2013-01-08 12:18:24 AM  

FozzyNOK: Just as all my children the second they were cleaned up and handed to me, I told them that I would do everything in my power to protect them and I would love them forever... I wrote them a letter of the times that they were born, Sadly, I predicted the end of my first born. He was a protector, a hater of bullies and was a lover of history... RIP SPC Micheal "Pokey" Phillips.. the world someday may see you again, may you live in peace in the next one.


I am so sorry. God bless you and your son.
 
2013-01-08 12:18:41 AM  

Zelron: Well, unless you're practicing attachment parenting. Yah, it'll be hard to get them out of bed, but my kids always have friends and seem to be the kids that everyone in the class likes.


I loved having my son in the bed when he was smaller. He's two now and still gets up in the night to come sleep in our bed and the rest of the night I'm getting kicked and assed in the face. Some mornings I feel completely beat up. It took months to get him into his own room to sleep and he's still not entirely there. Last night he slept on the couch and then crawled in with us at four. Tonight he's sleeping on his little sofa bed on the living room floor. I put him in his bed tonight and he got up ten minutes later and went back on the couch, fell off onto his sofa bed and stayed there. Someday, I hope he sleeps in his own bed all night.
 
2013-01-08 12:20:11 AM  
regarding sleep

awake newbies at night? once dry, fed? i had good luck sitting and rocking quietly outside, yes, in the dark. no lights, no tv, etc - worked well and didn't bother my husband.

then, later? they will sleep 10-15 hours a day - usually starting when they have to be in class by 7 am but have been on line until 2 am

you will sleep again. really
 
2013-01-08 12:20:24 AM  
Remember, every kid is different, any advice you get is based on one person's experience, and may not work at all with your child.
 
2013-01-08 12:23:33 AM  
Oh, yeah. Start teaching them languages early while they can still learn them correctly.

I recommend Mandarin, maybe a couple of the more common African languages.

When he gets about six, start teaching him how to climb and rappel, get him a little ALICE and make him run a lot, teach him to land nav without gps.

He'll have a great career later.

/this is a fuze. Some people call them blasting caps. This one's a 250ms delayed electric fuze. You can tell by the markings. Why would we use delayed fuzing?
 
2013-01-08 12:24:56 AM  

parasol: regarding sleep

awake newbies at night? once dry, fed? i had good luck sitting and rocking quietly outside, yes, in the dark. no lights, no tv, etc - worked well and didn't bother my husband.

then, later? they will sleep 10-15 hours a day - usually starting when they have to be in class by 7 am but have been on line until 2 am

you will sleep again. really


the sleep issues for us were really just the first 6 months, and only occasionally. Teeth have been the biggest culprit so far for preventing sleep.
 
2013-01-08 12:25:25 AM  

skullkrusher: You are likely going to see your wife shiat for (probably) the first time.


My husband got to see my intestines laying on my stomach. He never lets me forget it.
 
HBK
2013-01-08 12:28:22 AM  

phuquetarde: Fatherhood is the best thing in the world. You will forever be loved and love another.


Haha, no.
 
2013-01-08 12:29:36 AM  
Have an abortion Subby
 
2013-01-08 12:30:48 AM  
mistakes will be made. dont sweat it
as long as he knows you're on his side , you'll be ok
 
2013-01-08 12:32:52 AM  

katerbug72: Last night he slept on the couch and then crawled in with us at four. Tonight he's sleeping on his little sofa bed on the living room floor. I put him in his bed tonight and he got up ten minutes later and went back on the couch, fell off onto his sofa bed and stayed there. Someday, I hope he sleeps in his own bed all night.


Our son did the same stuff. Right about the time he started hating naps, actually. We tried a few things, but the only thing that worked was really physical play to exhaust him. It got us over the sleep hump, anyway. Maybe it's a boy thing, but he sleeps like a champ when we run him ragged every evening. I schedule at least a half hour for light saber battles every evening. The kid is getting pretty good.
 
2013-01-08 12:34:35 AM  

SilentStrider: gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.

word is my father found this out the hard way.


one of many educational advantages of AFV
 
2013-01-08 12:36:41 AM  
The F*ck?
 
2013-01-08 12:38:04 AM  
I have two kids - my daughter is 4, my son is 3. Daughter was planned (IVF) and son arrived 15.5 months later (natural). They're about the same size, same eyes, quite different otherwise. It's a fantastic feeling to have em yell "Daddy" and give me the leg-hug when I pick them up from daycare. Congratulations on joining the party!

Advice (trying not to repeat here)

1. Sleep while you can.
2. Take care of yourself and wife/gf/so during pregnancy.
3. Birth plans can occasionally go out the window. My wife didn't want an epidural when giving birth to our daughter, but she was induced and when her water broke, it was like going from 0-200 MPH. She asked for the epidural, actually fell asleep during a lot of active labor, woke up and 30 mins later we were parents. At first she thought she'd failed somehow, but realized that the epidural probably helped her relax and avoid the emergency c-section. However, when our son came along, wife had pre-eclampsia bad enough to threaten the baby, so son was born at 28 weeks and spent two months in the NICU. Not the way we wanted him to come into the world, but now he's doing fine and weighs more than his sister does.
4. You can never have too many burp cloths.
5. Take pictures and video, back them up, but live in the moment too. Example - we got our daughter's first roll-over on video. I had the camera on and pointed at her, but I was watching her rather than the viewfinder. Much better experience, and we have it on video, too.
6. Baby gas-x, teething tablets, baby tylenol. If you use these, buy more before you run out to avoid those 3 am trips to CVS, Walgreen's, etc. Same goes for diapers and wipes.
7. Breastfeeding is awesome. Some moms can do it, some can't, don't judge. Formula farts suck. Son was on a special brand due to the premature birth. You would not believe the eye-watering, room-clearing farts that came out of that boy.
8. When it's solid food time, make your own if you can. There are books on the subject and as long as you have a blender, food processor or food mill, it's easy to pulverize food, then either serve or freeze for later Costs less and is much more nutritious than the jarred stuff.
9. Be firm, be fair, and don't be afraid to change activities and do something silly if everybody's crabby. There aren't a lot of sounds that are more fun than giggling toddlers.
10. Read to your kids every day. There are plenty of good book suggestions by others in this thread.
11. My daughter was a pee fountain during diaper changes. My son never peed on me, probably because I followed the maxim of positioning the baby and myself to avoid such things, then treating him as if he was loaded and ready to go off at any second. In other words, duck, change fast, breathe easy.
12. Enjoy being a parent. Best job ever.
 
2013-01-08 12:38:10 AM  

ZombieApocalypseKitten: Know the signs of autism and get screened. The smallest little things wrong can be warnings for something huge.

//early intervention helps a lot.


And in all seriousness, please please please please do not let the doctor prescribe your child antibiotics until they are at least in primary school. Unless it's for something quite obviously fatal.
 
2013-01-08 12:40:28 AM  

discgolfguru: katerbug72: Last night he slept on the couch and then crawled in with us at four. Tonight he's sleeping on his little sofa bed on the living room floor. I put him in his bed tonight and he got up ten minutes later and went back on the couch, fell off onto his sofa bed and stayed there. Someday, I hope he sleeps in his own bed all night.

Our son did the same stuff. Right about the time he started hating naps, actually. We tried a few things, but the only thing that worked was really physical play to exhaust him. It got us over the sleep hump, anyway. Maybe it's a boy thing, but he sleeps like a champ when we run him ragged every evening. I schedule at least a half hour for light saber battles every evening. The kid is getting pretty good.


Light saber battles. Awesome! My kid has energy to spare and I have no idea where he gets it as he lives off goldfish crackers and air. He runs and runs all day, doesn't nap too often and still goes to bed after 8pm.
 
2013-01-08 12:44:23 AM  
Don't listen to all those people who are telling you to sleep now. Take this opportunity to become accustomed to lack of sleep, prior to the new stressor being added to your environment.
 
2013-01-08 12:44:31 AM  
Teach him by example, provide him with the tools he needs to obtain the best education he can get, teach him the value of hard work,that he is responsible for his own way thru life, be caring of others and humble in nature, grant everyone the respect that all men should give each other until that person shows you they are not worthy of respect.

Honor and integrity before anything else.

Always try to do the right thing, it is self evident most of the time.

Congrats to you subby.


\Unless subby is Corvus, they pray for us all.
 
2013-01-08 12:44:37 AM  
Don't be selfish. As a parent, you're going to have to go without... a lot of things.
 
2013-01-08 12:44:44 AM  
Fill what's empty
Empty what's full
And if you have time, scratch where it itches.
 
2013-01-08 12:46:12 AM  

katerbug72: skullkrusher: You are likely going to see your wife shiat for (probably) the first time.

My husband got to see my intestines laying on my stomach. He never lets me forget it.


whoa - friend of mine watched his wife's c-section. Has not forgotten it.