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(Fark)   Subby just found out he is going to be a father today. What sage advice/snark do you have for the future dad?   (fark.com) divider line 572
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2297 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Jan 2013 at 9:28 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-01-07 09:49:00 PM  
Lord loves a workin' man. Don't trust whitey. Get a shot and get rid of it.
 
2013-01-07 09:49:36 PM  
I got that news in August. My farking crazy biatch ex-fiance ran away to another state and got an abortion at week 15. I hope you have a better experience than I did.
 
2013-01-07 09:50:12 PM  
When it comes to discipline, never count to 3. Just chuck their toy in the trash, or turn off their computer or do whatever you're going to do. Once the kid learns that correction is stern and comes without warning, they behave much better. And above all else, do it without getting angry, because it's not personal, it's just responsible parenting. If it's not personal, they will accept it and not fight it.

Also, there is no aspect of parenting that can't be helped by a glass of wine. Sometimes two.
 
2013-01-07 09:50:27 PM  
Plastics.
 
2013-01-07 09:50:57 PM  
Always have three bottles of formula/breast milk ready in the fridge. Putting those things together in the dark at 3am can get very messy. Grabbing a pre-made version out of the fridge is easy.

Arrange your changing table to where you know where everything is with your eyes closed. Because at 3am, they will often be half-closed.

Steel your mind that the first two months will suck. After that, when they start sleeping ~5 hours at a time at night, the next two months will suck slightly less. Once they start sleeping 7 hours at a time, life will start kind of getting back to normal.

From about 8-20 months is just nirvana - it's great seeing them develop right in front of your eyes.

As a dear friend said to me, "You spend the first two years of their life getting them to walk and talk and the next 20 wishing they'd sit down and shut up." :)

Good luck, sir - it's been a fun ride for us so far.
 
2013-01-07 09:51:20 PM  
You are going to learn that your folks were not entirely crazy. You are going to learn the value of naps. You are going to learn a lot of things that you've forgotten. The journey is going to be a fun ride.
 
2013-01-07 09:51:26 PM  
Some animals eat their young. By the end of your child's 18th year, you have complete understanding. Which is nice.
 
2013-01-07 09:52:12 PM  
There's a 50% chance you're going to end up paying your wife a hell of a lot more than is required to care for your child. Good luck.

/assumptions
 
2013-01-07 09:52:52 PM  
Congrats on the pending loin fruit. Don't sweat the small stuff, pick your battles, and never microwave a bottle with the nipple attached. It's funny, but messy.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:02 PM  
It takes time to bond with your infant. Won't happen overnight. I didn't like my oldest daughter much until she was 4 months old. It's normal. Don't sweat it.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:05 PM  
Can't figure out HTML on the mobile app but this article is super important so you don't go mad reading to your child:

http://m.deadspin.com/5889376/if-you-give-a-mouse-a-cookie-youre-fark e d-10-tips-for-avoiding-terrible-childrens-books

Oh and scheduling our kids sleep (Baby Wise) was the best. She slept through the night at 8 weeks.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:26 PM  
Not gonna sugar coat it - at first it's hell. Of course there's those precious Hallmark moments, but for the most part its piss, shiat, puke, slimy baby food everywhere, quick nap, repeat. So its a lot like a weekend with your mom.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:42 PM  
Read to the baby as often as possible. Doesn't matter what. It could be blogs or car-repair manuals or whatever, so long as you're reading to them.

And avoid convertible automobiles.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:44 PM  
Congrats subs. My wife and I found out three weeks ago that she is pregnant.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:45 PM  
I have six kids. I still don't know a farking thing. Only advice I can give you is get all the sleep you can now.

And congrats!
 
2013-01-07 09:53:52 PM  
Don't think that your parents or grandparents were all-wise when it came to raising their children. They were just winging it. That's what you'll be doing, too.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:54 PM  
They're all cute 'n stuff until they wreck the car.
 
2013-01-07 09:54:43 PM  
Give your baby a goddamn reasonable name. I can forgive everything else, but baby "Spatula" isnt going to cut it.
 
2013-01-07 09:55:23 PM  
Just say you're going out to get a pack of smokes.
 
2013-01-07 09:55:56 PM  
From Patton Oswalt's first album, The Most Amazing Father (NSFW language).
 
2013-01-07 09:56:01 PM  

Majick Thise: Have ONE and ONLY ONE child.

Seriously.. If you have one it's a fun hobby. Work yeah but good work.

BUT the work load when you add a second kid doesn't just double.. oh no. It increases by an order of magnitude. Let's use the term 'work unit' as a measure of the work you do when having a child. If a single child is 10 work units a day, two children are 75 work units a day..

No one ever listens to me on this, maybe you will be the first.


OMG yes! Whenever I'm playing my Sim family, it takes forever to get stuff done with more than one kid. Usually I'll send them away to boarding school once they're old enough.
 
2013-01-07 09:56:05 PM  
Never play "Flying Baby" within an hour of feeding time.
 
2013-01-07 09:56:16 PM  

azmoviez: Can't figure out HTML on the mobile app but this article is super important so you don't go mad reading to your child:

http://m.deadspin.com/5889376/if-you-give-a-mouse-a-cookie-youre-fark e d-10-tips-for-avoiding-terrible-childrens-books

Oh and scheduling our kids sleep (Baby Wise) was the best. She slept through the night at 8 weeks.


Damn filter. Will post working link soon.
 
2013-01-07 09:56:17 PM  
Don't panic, stock up on booze, Sleep as much as you can now.

/Congrats.
 
2013-01-07 09:56:40 PM  
Write your congressman and make sure they are on board with 40th trimester abortions

/works with sitting presidents
 
2013-01-07 09:57:15 PM  
Leave the fresh new diaper open longer than it seems necessary, or you will have to change again.
Don't sweat the details.
When he/she turns 18 get a hot tub and encourage nude parties at your place.
 
2013-01-07 09:57:15 PM  
indianapublicmedia.org
 
2013-01-07 09:57:20 PM  
Sell 'em on Ebay while they're still cute!! Either that or keep them but harvest their organs before they turn 18.
 
2013-01-07 09:57:33 PM  
Serious response here. 1. Plenty of physical contact when the child is small. 2. Tell the child that you love him/her often. 3. Always look the child in the eye when conversing. This will require you to squat down frequently. 4. Treat the child with the same level of respect that you would like to receive from anyone you meet. 5. Always give them a choice i.e. shower or bath tonight? or do you want to brush your teeth during the commercial or at the end of the program. You'll get what you want and they will learn good habits.

tl;dr hold them a lot and tell them you love them.

I am 2 for 2 with this approach as a single (widower) dad. Congratulations and enjoy!
 
2013-01-07 09:58:05 PM  
Your children are never too young to learn about disappointment.
 
2013-01-07 09:58:59 PM  
Try anal next time.

/I keed
//congrats
 
2013-01-07 09:59:02 PM  

Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.


I get that everyday when I pick my kid at the daycare... Best. Feeling. Ever.
 
2013-01-07 09:59:08 PM  

Flatulent_Flea: They're all cute 'n stuff until they wreck the car.


*That* is why I never let babies drive my car. Their depth perception and basic motor skills are poor.
 
2013-01-07 09:59:30 PM  
Use it as an attempt to get attention in a news aggregate discussion thread.
 
2013-01-07 09:59:34 PM  
Remember to check the water temp before bathing the little twerp. No one likes a flesh peeling baby! Unless you do you sick bastard o.O
 
2013-01-07 09:59:52 PM  

Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.


I only get to see my kids twice a week. If I were a chick, your post would make me start lactating...

/love my kids
/best thing ever
/no, really
 
2013-01-07 10:00:11 PM  

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


My daughter was able to do the same thing. We used to do what we called "priming the pump": we curled her legs up into her abdomen a few times to push help empty the bladder. Worked great.

My advice to the soon to-be dad: don't sweat the small stuff. Seriously.

/Wife is eight weeks along with number 2
 
2013-01-07 10:00:21 PM  
img.photobucket.com
img.photobucket.com
 
2013-01-07 10:00:59 PM  

jpo2269: Your children are never too young to learn about disappointment.


Or too old to review the lessons.
 
2013-01-07 10:01:11 PM  
Don't sell it to the first guy who comes along. Play the market a bit, wait for the right offer. People will pay a lot for a white kid, so don't let them nickle and dime you about little nicks and scratches.
 
2013-01-07 10:01:19 PM  
Prepare for the next 15 years to fly by like they never happened.
Take lots of photos and video. Do video interviews when nobody is watching and hide them away. They will be priceless in the future.

You can never say "I love you" too much!
 
2013-01-07 10:01:36 PM  
She can't get any more pregnant; shag while you can. Sleep a lot. Like to travel? Get it out of your system before you two get stuck. Do not shoot medicine down the baby's throat with a syringe, unless you enjoy volcanoes of puke.
 
2013-01-07 10:02:02 PM  
Having a kid is an important step, sure. Just remember that it's infinitely more important to you than it is to us.
 
2013-01-07 10:02:22 PM  
Vasectomy so accidents don't happen again.
 
2013-01-07 10:03:03 PM  
Talk with the wife about parenting styles so you know before what you want. Cry it out or not? Attachment parenting? Spanking or not?

Once you two know what you want, then do your thing, and humor all the "experts" who will try to tell you what to do. They mean well, but it'll get old.

Don't spend all your time comparing your kid to others. They all grow differently.

Read a book about how the pregnancy will affect your wife. Hormones are a crazy thing, and if you understand now what to expect, things will go so much better for you.

I have a son about to turn 3 and a baby due this month. Being a father is the greatest joy imaginable, so have fun with it. Feel free to be as goofy as you want. Play hard, they won't break. Have a schedule, and break it just often enough so that when you do its special.
 
2013-01-07 10:03:09 PM  

Clarence Beeks: Always have three bottles of formula/breast milk ready in the fridge. Putting those things together in the dark at 3am can get very messy. Grabbing a pre-made version out of the fridge is easy.


This is why tits were made.
 
2013-01-07 10:03:11 PM  
1 medium baby
3 shallots, finely minced
1 cup sherry
4 cloves garlic, peeled and smashed
6 strips of bacon
lemon and thyme to taste
 
2013-01-07 10:03:54 PM  
Sleep. A lot. You won't sleep right until your youngest is 5 1/2.*

*Your results may vary
 
2013-01-07 10:05:12 PM  

rotsky: During labor and delivery, position yourself in such a way that you can help and support your wife. Do it in such a way that you don't actually see the baby coming out. There's nothing to be seen there that can't be unseen. Trust me.

Wait until the doctors clean everything up.


Oh,and this
 
2013-01-07 10:05:31 PM  
They are always cute when little, so was Hitler.
 
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