If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Fark)   Subby just found out he is going to be a father today. What sage advice/snark do you have for the future dad?   (fark.com) divider line 572
    More: Spiffy  
•       •       •

2294 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Jan 2013 at 9:28 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



572 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Archived thread

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | » | Last | Show all
 
2013-01-07 06:51:41 PM

Mrs.Sharpier: AdolfOliverPanties: AdolfOliverPanties: Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.

Seriously, I cannot stress this enough.

That's so weird. Why would you do that? And what did it smell like?


Rotted meat.  Death.  It smelled like what it was: dead flesh.
 
2013-01-07 06:52:38 PM
WHY?
 
2013-01-07 06:52:57 PM

Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.


see? theyre like puppies. only better because they can hug you and literally shake with excitement when they see you.

i've gotten to pick my sister up from school a few times. because its so rare she doesnt expect to see me so its fun to see her stop her friends mid sentence so she can run up to me. i have to remind her to say goodbye.

and also its funny how she doesnt seem embarrassed that her sister is old. she corrects them all casually like 'no this isnt my mom its my sister'
 
2013-01-07 06:54:46 PM

sgt cyanide: Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.

see? theyre like puppies. only better because they can hug you and literally shake with excitement when they see you.

i've gotten to pick my sister up from school a few times. because its so rare she doesnt expect to see me so its fun to see her stop her friends mid sentence so she can run up to me. i have to remind her to say goodbye.

and also its funny how she doesnt seem embarrassed that her sister is old. she corrects them all casually like 'no this isnt my mom its my sister'


Tori introduced me to her friend Kavia, and then had to run back in and hug Kavia goodbye.  SO CUTE.
 
2013-01-07 06:55:29 PM
During labor and delivery, position yourself in such a way that you can help and support your wife. Do it in such a way that you don't actually see the baby coming out. There's nothing to be seen there that can't be unseen. Trust me.

Wait until the doctors clean everything up.
 
2013-01-07 06:55:33 PM
Then she an Jack argued in the car and I was this close to going Bill Cosby and saying NOBODY IS GOING TO TOUCH ANYBODY ELSE!!
 
2013-01-07 06:55:34 PM
it's only a game. Let the kid enjoy it and stop worrying about his playing to his potential.
 
2013-01-07 06:58:30 PM
You'll get a lot of unsolicited advice. As soon as you have a kid, suddenly everyone has a degree in childhood psychology. They all mean well, so don't take offence. There isn't time to make all the mistakes yourself.

Time off from parenting is crucial. Make dates with the mom. Enlist family members to babysit. Let the mom call ten times if she wants to. Feel no guilt.

Put the kid in the "cute special" outfits. Let them wear stuff out rather than outgrow it. Stains are like scars, they're proof that you had a good time at one point.

Likewise, a broken toy is proof that a kid loved it to death.

Oh, and their immune systems are way better than you think they are. Let them get dirty and don't fuss about what they eat.

Get them their shots.

Take a lot of pictures, but keep only the good shots.

Learn hand signs. Kids can talk before their mouths can handle speech.

You're always on point with late-night emergencies, bug and bird disposal, and checking the baby for life.

Oh right, learn CPR and First Aid. I've held certification since 1993. My daughter passed out once from a fit, she stopped breathing and passed out. I remember thinking "Okay mag, This Is It. How much FA do you know right now? Let's. Go." As soon as my cold hands touched her chest, she took a deep breath in.

Sorry, got on a roll there.

Oh, and keep her off the pole. That's your number one job.
 
2013-01-07 07:01:39 PM

Mrs.Sharpier: WHY?


I don't know why I smelled it.  It popped off my daughter when I was changing her and I just...sniffed it.

Imagine taking a deep whiff in a room full of dead rats.
 
2013-01-07 07:02:55 PM
Sleep. Sleep now because you will never again know the luxury of going to bed whenever you want.
 
2013-01-07 07:04:10 PM

Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.


Aw, heck, I still do that.
 
2013-01-07 07:04:34 PM

Ceteris Paribus says: Then she an Jack argued in the car and I was this close to going Bill Cosby and saying NOBODY IS GOING TO TOUCH ANYBODY ELSE!!


bahaha i just watched bill cosby on jimmy fallon. i forget how funny he is. and yes. kids are cute. i wish my little sister had better taste in boys. this quinn kid is... definitely not up to standard
 
2013-01-07 07:05:19 PM
Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.

Terrible.

Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.
 
2013-01-07 07:06:01 PM
As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.
 
2013-01-07 07:06:53 PM

TheSignPost: Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.

Terrible.

Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.


i miss the I ONLY DRINK MILK AND EAT CAPN CRUNCH phase. she thought she could control the color of her poo.

i have to ask my mom if she put that in her baby book. 'mmm purple. no no no today green!'
 
2013-01-07 07:07:57 PM

TheSignPost: Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.

Terrible.

Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.


I thought formula poop was the worst -- anecdotally, that is -- no first hand experience in any of those matters.
 
2013-01-07 07:08:12 PM

Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.


the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird
 
2013-01-07 07:11:59 PM

sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.

the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird


DAMMIT! My coworker just walked by as I was feeling the top of my head...
 
2013-01-07 07:12:00 PM

sgt cyanide: Ceteris Paribus says: Then she an Jack argued in the car and I was this close to going Bill Cosby and saying NOBODY IS GOING TO TOUCH ANYBODY ELSE!!

bahaha i just watched bill cosby on jimmy fallon. i forget how funny he is. and yes. kids are cute. i wish my little sister had better taste in boys. this quinn kid is... definitely not up to standard


Last valentines day a little girl named Ainshu made my son a card.  We were out at dinner and I brought that up.  He got so instantly upset that he just fell out of his chair.  It was hysterically funny.
 
2013-01-07 07:12:16 PM

sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.

the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird


I've drunkenly fallen and hit my head so many times, my head is full of soft spots.
 
2013-01-07 07:12:38 PM

Ponzholio: sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.

the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird

DAMMIT! My coworker just walked by as I was feeling the top of my head...


She meant the one connected to your neck, man!
 
2013-01-07 07:14:46 PM

Ceteris Paribus says: Ponzholio: sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.

the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird

DAMMIT! My coworker just walked by as I was feeling the top of my head...

She meant the one connected to your neck, man!


Oh... Well, I guess I'll have to clarify it was a miscommunication with HR tomorrow...
 
2013-01-07 07:21:04 PM
Do not have sex with the baby.
 
2013-01-07 07:21:52 PM

TheSignPost: Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.

Terrible.

Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.


Weird, I got Iron Stomach as a class feature. The only time I've puked in the last nine years was when I reacted really bad to some meds.

And I've had my daughter barf in my mouth (by accident). And one time she sneezed when I was changing her and poop went all over. Some... uh, some went in. :(

Oh, so there's some advice. Keep your mouth closed.
 
2013-01-07 07:28:38 PM

Ponzholio: Oh... Well, I guess I'll have to clarify it was a miscommunication with HR tomorrow...


BUT COULD YOU FEEL IT?!
 
2013-01-07 07:40:11 PM
you're getting ready to spend $250k over the next 17 yrs.

congrats
 
2013-01-07 07:52:01 PM
Teenagers are not magically evil. Don't freak out. Yes, they're about to do stupid shiat, but they're not inherently malicious, they're still the same person they were yesterday. Just a bit dumber and more drama-prone. And they will really, really need you.

Overall, stay calm and make sure they know you love them, and it'll turn out okay.
 
2013-01-07 08:39:29 PM
Don't make the mistake of lots of parents.  Your kid is not your best friend, he needs a parent, be a parent, not a friend.
 
2013-01-07 08:41:03 PM
Have ONE and ONLY ONE child.

Seriously.. If you have one it's a fun hobby. Work yeah but good work.

BUT the work load when you add a second kid doesn't just double.. oh no. It increases by an order of magnitude. Let's use the term 'work unit' as a measure of the work you do when having a child. If a single child is 10 work units a day, two children are 75 work units a day..

No one ever listens to me on this, maybe you will be the first.
 
2013-01-07 08:41:40 PM
Just let it go.
You are the father, not the mother. When the kid farks up, tell him/her. Yelling can get their attention, but keep it to a minimum. Most kids tune that shiat out, but do pay attention to a calm voice.
 
2013-01-07 08:59:02 PM
Congrats!

When you go into the delivery room, bring a paper lunch bag filled with candies and mints - mom will appreciate them during labor. When the contractions start, and you feel a little woozy, you can rebreathe through the bag until it passes. Then, when she's having trouble pushing just that last bit, you can pop the paper bag loudly behind her head. She will appreciate it, trust me.

/seriously, though, congrats. Smile like an idiot for the next 8 months, then be totally baffled for the next 18-plus years. It's worked for me.
 
2013-01-07 09:00:48 PM

sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: Oh... Well, I guess I'll have to clarify it was a miscommunication with HR tomorrow...

BUT COULD YOU FEEL IT?!


I found two Skittles.
 
2013-01-07 09:16:27 PM

Rev.K: Sleep. Sleep now because you will never again know the luxury of going to bed whenever you want.


THIS

also, the first poop is black as tar and sqeezes out like toothpaste
 
2013-01-07 09:20:16 PM
Whatever you think it will be like is wrong.

Other people's experience won't mean a lot to you. You'll do things your own way. Relax and enjoy it.

Congratulations.
 
2013-01-07 09:26:05 PM
Subby, if you're anywhere near Philly (specifically the western suburbs) I have a crapload of infant stuff (stroller, car seats, ect) we don't need any longer. Email is not in profile, but is my fark handle @gmail.Goes for anyone else local who has a need, btw - Goodwill won't take them and I'm struggling to find a place to donate them where they'll be used
 
2013-01-07 09:29:51 PM

stratagos: Subby, if you're anywhere near Philly (specifically the western suburbs) I have a crapload of infant stuff (stroller, car seats, ect) we don't need any longer. Email is not in profile, but is my fark handle @gmail.Goes for anyone else local who has a need, btw - Goodwill won't take them and I'm struggling to find a place to donate them where they'll be used


this went green.perhaps , in the future, you might consider not posting personal stuff like that.
Enjoy your inbox being flooded !
 
2013-01-07 09:30:21 PM
Time flies so pay attention and don't miss it.
 
2013-01-07 09:30:32 PM
You're unlikely to ever do anything more important. Just sayin'.

Put your kids' psyche/welfare above whatever trivial crap you're going through with their mother.

Don't take it personally, they're all like that.

Don't forget they'll still be your kid when their kid is the age you are now.

Your dad might start getting a lot smarter.
 
2013-01-07 09:30:40 PM
Time to give up the TotalFark.
 
2013-01-07 09:31:11 PM
Start drinking heavily.
 
2013-01-07 09:31:14 PM
 
2013-01-07 09:31:33 PM
Oh, and I'm available for babysitting when she turns 16
 
2013-01-07 09:31:46 PM

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


word is my father found this out the hard way.
 
2013-01-07 09:32:49 PM
Sleep now while you still have the chance.
 
2013-01-07 09:33:08 PM
You about to welcome somebody into this world who shall, for the rest of your days, man more to you than your own life. Be honest, be firm, be kind.
 
2013-01-07 09:33:21 PM
Sleep when the infant, baby, toddler sleeps. It's ok to have a messier-than-usual house for awhile.

/my third is due in two weeks
 
2013-01-07 09:33:28 PM
scottystarnes.files.wordpress.com
 
2013-01-07 09:33:45 PM
mean more... still can't type.
 
2013-01-07 09:34:00 PM
You're going to be a father today? You should get off the PC, go to the Hospital and make sure the wife/babby okay.
 
2013-01-07 09:34:01 PM
Don't ask for advice from childless farkers.
 
Displayed 50 of 572 comments

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | » | Last | Show all

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »






Report