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(CNN)   "You mean that Jesus might have had severe diarrhea?" "Yep, That's exactly what I mean." Holy crap   (religion.blogs.cnn.com) divider line 46
    More: Amusing, Nazareth, self-help, Liberty University, Christian mythology  
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17068 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Jan 2013 at 4:08 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2013-01-07 04:25:05 PM  
8 votes:
medievalotaku.files.wordpress.com

"Dude, pull my finger ... No, just do it. C'mon..."

www.miamibeach411.com

1.bp.blogspot.com
2013-01-07 04:36:14 PM  
6 votes:
"Imodium BCE" just doesn't sound right.
2013-01-07 04:14:03 PM  
6 votes:
The best part about hanging around with Jesus when he had dysentery was when he turned the explosive diarrhea into delicious chocolate milk shakes.
2013-01-07 04:18:36 PM  
5 votes:

downstairs: [www.jimbo.info image 558x220]


i.imgur.com
2013-01-07 05:18:47 PM  
4 votes:

F22raptom: Me and jesus have something in common


Your boss is working you to death?
2013-01-07 05:13:02 PM  
4 votes:

elchip: Everybody knows that a Paladin gains immunity to disease at level 3.

Jesus had to be at least level 6, because he could clearly cast "Remove Disease" on others.

We know he's a Paladin rather than a Cleric because he showed proficiency with a whip, and Clerics are restricted to simple weapons (which doesn't include whips).


Did you forget that Jesus raised several people from death? No Paladin would be able to do that, because Raise Dead is not on the Paladin spell list.

When Jesus wielded the whip, he accepted the -4 penalty to hit because of His lack of the exotic weapon proficiency. The money changers would have had a low Armor Class. Jesus would have a reasonably good Base Attack Bonus as a high-level cleric, and He would have been able to cast some decent attack buffs on Himself.
2013-01-07 05:11:23 PM  
4 votes:
i.imgur.com
2013-01-07 04:38:06 PM  
4 votes:
I guess that's what the Bible means when it says, "And it came to pass."
2013-01-07 04:26:54 PM  
4 votes:

TwilightZone: How can a purely fictional character have any disease? That's like saying Zeus had gallstones.


I dunno about that, but Taranis had Gaulstones.
2013-01-07 03:14:48 PM  
4 votes:
www.jimbo.info
2013-01-07 04:44:37 PM  
3 votes:
Everybody knows that a Paladin gains immunity to disease at level 3.

Jesus had to be at least level 6, because he could clearly cast "Remove Disease" on others.

We know he's a Paladin rather than a Cleric because he showed proficiency with a whip, and Clerics are restricted to simple weapons (which doesn't include whips).
2013-01-07 04:43:52 PM  
3 votes:
"I call this the dirty side of Jesus "

Next he's going to tell us about the softer side of Sears.
2013-01-07 04:29:37 PM  
3 votes:

HAMMERTOE: Holy Hershey squirts, Batman!


Jesus Hershey-squirts Christ!

//we now know what the H. stood for.
2013-01-07 04:18:11 PM  
3 votes:
That might explain all the foot washing. Splashback is a biatch
2013-01-08 08:39:13 AM  
2 votes:
img.photobucket.com
2013-01-07 06:00:44 PM  
2 votes:

Felix_T_Cat: Slaves2Darkness: hdhale: suthrnrunt: Supes: TwilightZone: How can a purely fictional character have any disease? That's like saying Zeus had gallstones.

...snip... except those texts supposedly written by Jesus himself...snip...

Am curious, no snark really, what texts written by Jesus himself? Am not aware of any.


"Having Fun with FORTRAN: 44 Easy Projects to Master Today's Computing"
2013-01-07 05:24:06 PM  
2 votes:
Did he also have Industrial Disease?
2013-01-07 04:33:59 PM  
2 votes:

Supes: TwilightZone: How can a purely fictional character have any disease? That's like saying Zeus had gallstones.

There's more evidence for a historical Jesus than an historical Zeus... Whether he was divine or not, you can make a credible argument an individual named Jesus existed.


just like you can prove that robin hood existed and merlin?

oh wait... no, no you can't.
2013-01-07 04:22:11 PM  
2 votes:
Of course he was dirty.

When did you last see a clean gardener?
2013-01-07 04:20:50 PM  
2 votes:
No! Jesus was a Caucasian man that spoke English!
2013-01-07 04:12:45 PM  
2 votes:
i.imgur.com
2013-01-07 04:11:28 PM  
2 votes:
I dunno, I think if I had the ability to turn water into wine I'd also do something about that emergency roadside diarrhea.
2013-01-07 02:01:04 PM  
2 votes:
I was laughing at the headline before clicking the link.

+1 subby
2013-01-07 09:32:55 PM  
1 votes:

darth_badger: I bet His poops smelled like fresh baked cookies.


Real estate agents in Bethlehem used to put out plates of fresh, warm Jesus poop when trying to sell a hovel. The smell made them think of a manger-y smell and sealed the deal 57% of the time!
2013-01-07 07:47:08 PM  
1 votes:
That explains cursing the fig tree. All the apostles probably ate them all. If Jesus can't poop regularly, no one does!
2013-01-07 06:48:30 PM  
1 votes:
weknowmemes.com
2013-01-07 06:27:40 PM  
1 votes:
jesus-withyoualways.com

"Hey, you better pull over here, or I'm gonna squirt butt lava in your cab"
"That's like the third time in an hour- bro, are you even bringing gas money on this trip?"
2013-01-07 05:40:18 PM  
1 votes:
Lord Dimwit

Supes: suthrnrunt: Supes: TwilightZone: How can a purely fictional character have any disease? That's like saying Zeus had gallstones.

There's more evidence for a historical Jesus than an historical Zeus... Whether he was divine or not, you can make a credible argument an individual named Jesus existed.

just like you can prove that robin hood existed and merlin?

oh wait... no, no you can't.

Please. I'm Jewish and could give a rat's ass whether he actually existed or not, and I definitely don't believe he's divine. But there's no question at all there's a significant amount of historical evidence that a "Jesus" existed, and most historical scholars believe this.

Can anyone prove it? Of course not. But there's way more evidence there than for a historical Robin Hood or Merlin.

I've always been interested in the question of whether or not Jesus actually existed. I used to just accept the consensus of scholars that he probably did, but as I've gotten older I've changed my views back and forth several times. First off, most scholars who have even asked the question throughout history are Christian, and so have a bias.

There are no writings from Jesus's life that mention him. Zero. None. None of the Gospels were written during his life or even by anyone who knew him (the attributions of the Gospels to Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John doesn't hold up to any kind of literary criticism). The Pauline Epistles, written before the Gospels, were written by Paul, a man who never knew of an Earthly Jesus and certainly never met him. In these letters, Jesus is usually described in metaphorical and spiritual terms.

Non-Christian mentions of Jesus happen well after his death (more than a hundred years) and almost always just repeat things as hearsay or just talk about "Christians" in general. No one doubts Christians in general existed in those times, though.

Anyway, it doesn't really matter to me since I'm a hell-bound heathen, but I'm just saying that there's not as much evidence as everyone seems to think.


Only chistians go to hell. Heathens get Valhalla.
2013-01-07 05:28:09 PM  
1 votes:

xkillyourfacex: Non-sequiter. Being "fully man" doesn't mean experiencing each possible biological complication a human might be subject to experience. If I believe Jesus was fully man, there is no logical chain of reasoning holding me to other beliefs regarding his humanity. It is no rational contradiction to believe Jesus did not have dysentery in his life time. To wit, I have yet to succumb to gingivitis, as often humans do. Does that make me not human?


While God was willing to allow His only begotten Son to be tortured to death and spend several days in Hell... He did not require that Jesus get married!

Think about that!

/married
2013-01-07 05:17:08 PM  
1 votes:
i.imgur.com

Also, for you D&D old-schoolers:

i.imgur.com
2013-01-07 05:14:01 PM  
1 votes:

Parthenogenetic: elchip: Everybody knows that a Paladin gains immunity to disease at level 3.

Jesus had to be at least level 6, because he could clearly cast "Remove Disease" on others.

We know he's a Paladin rather than a Cleric because he showed proficiency with a whip, and Clerics are restricted to simple weapons (which doesn't include whips).

Did you forget that Jesus raised several people from death? No Paladin would be able to do that, because Raise Dead is not on the Paladin spell list.

When Jesus wielded the whip, he accepted the -4 penalty to hit because of His lack of the exotic weapon proficiency. The money changers would have had a low Armor Class. Jesus would have a reasonably good Base Attack Bonus as a high-level cleric, and He would have been able to cast some decent attack buffs on Himself.


THAC0 is heretical. Invented by Satan.
2013-01-07 05:12:26 PM  
1 votes:
imageshack.us


Despite all the renown and the adulation, we have no idea what in hell the Jesus actually looked like. For example, the guy on the left is Italian football darling, Francesco Totti. The guy on right ... is a complete and utter figment of the imagination of the Roman Catholic Church.
2013-01-07 05:11:37 PM  
1 votes:

turbocucumber: MyNameIsMofuga: The best part about hanging around with Jesus when he had dysentery was when he turned the explosive diarrhea into delicious chocolate milk shakes.

Right after he served beer, straight from the tap.



And that, my children, is where Budweiser comes from.
2013-01-07 04:56:52 PM  
1 votes:

MyNameIsMofuga: The best part about hanging around with Jesus when he had dysentery was when he turned the explosive diarrhea into delicious chocolate milk shakes.


Right after he served beer, straight from the tap.
2013-01-07 04:54:14 PM  
1 votes:

FuryOfFirestorm: MyNameIsMofuga: The best part about hanging around with Jesus when he had dysentery was when he turned the explosive diarrhea into delicious chocolate milk shakes.

Well they need something to wash down those fishes and loaves he served at the Mount of Olives.


Olive Loaf?! No wonder he had the runs.
2013-01-07 04:20:18 PM  
1 votes:

Hack Patooey: Peaceboy: I dunno, I think if I had the ability to turn water into wine I'd also do something about that emergency roadside diarrhea.

Where do you think all those loaves and fishes came from?


One of my favorite miracle explanations is that Jesus loved to trip on shrooms (how he spoke to god, angels, etc.). The active ingredients in shrooms are excreted in urine which is darkly colored. Jesus created the bread by breaking up dried shrooms (look like bread). Jesus created wine by staining water with his dark urine. Everyone was tripping balls, so they weren't hungry.
2013-01-07 04:16:55 PM  
1 votes:
I bet His poops smelled like fresh baked cookies.
2013-01-07 04:16:05 PM  
1 votes:
Johnnie Moore is ... a professor of religion and vice president at Liberty University.

You're asking me to read an awful lot of words about something that happened 2000 years ago when those words come from a guy who is completely unqualified to talk about anything that happened on this planet before he was about five years old...
2013-01-07 04:16:02 PM  
1 votes:
How can a purely fictional character have any disease? That's like saying Zeus had gallstones.
2013-01-07 04:14:53 PM  
1 votes:
Holy Hershey squirts, Batman!
2013-01-07 04:12:56 PM  
1 votes:
Everybody poops
2013-01-07 04:11:40 PM  
1 votes:

Ed Finnerty: So the Shroud of Turin may be the Toilet Paper of Turin?


Shroud Of Turdin?
2013-01-07 04:09:55 PM  
1 votes:

Ed Finnerty: So the Shroud of Turin may be the Toilet Paper of Turin?


Ewwwww. He wiped his face with it?
2013-01-07 03:33:02 PM  
1 votes:
So the Shroud of Turin may be the Toilet Paper of Turin?
vpb [TotalFark]
2013-01-07 02:08:50 PM  
1 votes:
i wonder if anyone ever passed off a desiccated turd as a Jesus relic?  There was a whole industry for that sort of thing.

65.96.0.19

This is his poo!
2013-01-07 01:51:48 PM  
1 votes:
Was Japanese.
 
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