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(Chicago Trib)   Breaking into your neighbor's condo with a knife, duct tape and an 8 inch sexual device is no way to spend a Saturday night, even if you are the Fire Chief   (chicagotribune.com) divider line 71
    More: Dumbass, Tinley Park, Illinois, fire chiefs, condos, knife, Cook County Circuit Court, Gary M. Swiercz  
•       •       •

9043 clicks; posted to Main » on 06 Jan 2013 at 8:44 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



71 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Archived thread
 
2013-01-06 08:48:11 PM  
Double check the apartment number before getting freaky with your gf.
 
2013-01-06 08:50:54 PM  
How about a Tuesday?
 
2013-01-06 08:51:03 PM  
Good thing she was/wasn't armed, or there would be...

/wrong thread
 
2013-01-06 08:51:17 PM  
People who join Fire Departments are weird.
/And coming from me...
 
2013-01-06 08:51:38 PM  
an 8-inch sexual device...

Are we talking length, or girth?
 
2013-01-06 08:51:40 PM  
Sexual assault with a concrete dildo.
 
2013-01-06 08:52:51 PM  
Whose sexual device was it?
 
2013-01-06 08:53:57 PM  
Was he going to steal an apostrophe?

/grammar naxi
 
2013-01-06 08:54:31 PM  
Did she have a burning bush?
 
2013-01-06 08:55:17 PM  
A Fire Chief? He's a goddamn hero, anyone approach by him with a sexual device should feel honored to receive it!
 
2013-01-06 08:55:19 PM  
lol the suburbs lol
 
2013-01-06 08:56:09 PM  
8 inches? What, was this some kind of beginner orientation or something?
 
2013-01-06 09:00:50 PM  

ongbok: Sexual assault with a concrete dildo.


Leaving satisfied.
 
2013-01-06 09:01:56 PM  
The hell you say! That's the beginning of a GREAT weekend around these parts.
 
2013-01-06 09:02:18 PM  
If he was a cop, he'd be...still spending the rest of his life in prison.

I think it was funny that they felt the need to mention that the sexual device was eight inches.
 
2013-01-06 09:02:24 PM  
replace breaking in with get invited and you really do have a hero.
 
2013-01-06 09:02:30 PM  
Swiercz's attorney, Colleen McSweeney Moore, called the incident out of character for the fire chief.

Oh well then, let bygones be bygones.
 
2013-01-06 09:03:16 PM  
lube?
 
2013-01-06 09:04:32 PM  

ongbok: Sexual assault with a concrete dildo.


That's ridiculous! Where is this evidence?

/Well, it.......burned in the fire.
 
2013-01-06 09:04:45 PM  

Nina Haagen Dazs: Whose sexual device was it?


Officiail policy is to use the indefinite article "a" dildo...never "his" dildo.
 
2013-01-06 09:05:14 PM  
Or as I call it Tuesday night.
 
2013-01-06 09:05:37 PM  
...And I suppose if she put a bullet in this guy, the government would have found her at fault somehow.
 
2013-01-06 09:05:59 PM  
Apparently not all fires are the same.
 
2013-01-06 09:07:07 PM  
He just wanted to show her his fire hose.
 
2013-01-06 09:08:40 PM  
Did someone say assault dildo?
 
2013-01-06 09:09:48 PM  
Breaking into your neighbors condo with a knife, duct tape and an 8 inch sexual device-
blogs.telegraph.co.uk
I came.
 
2013-01-06 09:10:00 PM  
Uh.....so what length of sexual device Is considered "OK" then??? Jeeez. Picky picky!
 
2013-01-06 09:11:21 PM  
Hey he brought lubricant, so at least he was thinking of her comfort....


/unless of course the 8 inch sexual device was for his exclusive use
 
2013-01-06 09:11:59 PM  
Some of us pay extra for that, subby.
 
2013-01-06 09:13:46 PM  
"Swiercz's attorney, Colleen McSweeney Moore, called the incident out of character for the fire chief."

Indeed. Normally he's found carrying two dildos, a knife, duct tape, and lube.
 
2013-01-06 09:13:50 PM  
Was the 8 inch device a modified wooden toilet paper roller?
 
2013-01-06 09:14:21 PM  

the_chief: ongbok: Sexual assault with a concrete dildo.

Leaving satisfied.


I bet you did chief.
 
2013-01-06 09:15:13 PM  
According to TFA, his lawyer says this was not typical behavior. Bath salts? Or just the first time he got caught?
 
2013-01-06 09:16:57 PM  
I had to give a death notification several years ago to a wife whose husband had died. Apparently the respectable businessman father of 2 decided to pick up a crack ho, take her to a sleazy motel, have lots of sex, then croak while doing a line of blow. The best part was the recovered newly purchased and used strap-on called "the violator 1000". Biggest damn thing I ever seen. That was a very awkward conversation with his wife.
 
2013-01-06 09:18:12 PM  
I knew a fire chief named Gary I guess you could say he was a sex fiend,
I met him in a condo lobby holding a dildo that was really obscene.
 
2013-01-06 09:19:20 PM  

ROGUECOP: I had to give a death notification several years ago to a wife whose husband had died. Apparently the respectable businessman father of 2 decided to pick up a crack ho, take her to a sleazy motel, have lots of sex, then croak while doing a line of blow. The best part was the recovered newly purchased and used strap-on called "the violator 1000". Biggest damn thing I ever seen. That was a very awkward conversation with his wife.


Link to the public report or I call BS.
 
2013-01-06 09:22:24 PM  
"The violator 1000" part was left out of the report. You would be amazed how much silly stupid stuff will NEVER make it into an official report. Actually probably not
 
2013-01-06 09:24:12 PM  

ROGUECOP: I had to give a death notification several years ago to a wife whose husband had died. Apparently the respectable businessman father of 2 decided to pick up a crack ho, take her to a sleazy motel, have lots of sex, then croak while doing a line of blow. The best part was the recovered newly purchased and used strap-on called "the violator 1000". Biggest damn thing I ever seen. That was a very awkward conversation with his wife.


Did he have a receipt? You could have returned it for store credit on the side.
 
2013-01-06 09:25:37 PM  
 FTA: "Officials said Swiercz was off duty at the time and and will not be performing any official duties for the Chicago Ridge Fire Department."

What good is a fire dept. with no break, tape and rape service?
 
2013-01-06 09:26:13 PM  

ROGUECOP: "The violator 1000" part was left out of the report. You would be amazed how much silly stupid stuff will NEVER make it into an official report. Actually probably not


I've read some good ones on FARK, like the television meteorologist who's friend died (strangled) during a drug-fueled BSDM Jacuzzi orgy.
 
2013-01-06 09:34:47 PM  
Did a Google search for "The Violator 1000", came up with two results: an attorney and a Mormon.

Coincidence?
 
2013-01-06 09:37:39 PM  
With all that equipment and violence, I have to assume the motive for the attack was sexual assault. However, since he arrived with a "sexual device" I also have to assume he couldn't, shall we say, achieve penetration of his own volition. So will his attorney be making that point at his trial, one wonders? That he couldn't actually have raped the victim? Is that the kind of defense a potential rapist wants to present?

Decisions, decisions...
 
2013-01-06 09:38:20 PM  
Easy there, Chief. I don't see 8-inch-dildo wound on the menu.
 
2013-01-06 09:46:16 PM  

Gyrfalcon: With all that equipment and violence, I have to assume the motive for the attack was sexual assault. However, since he arrived with a "sexual device" I also have to assume he couldn't, shall we say, achieve penetration of his own volition. So will his attorney be making that point at his trial, one wonders? That he couldn't actually have raped the victim? Is that the kind of defense a potential rapist wants to present?

Decisions, decisions...


Maybe his girlfriend was in the next room, waiting for the "exciting surprise" he had planned for the night.
 
2013-01-06 09:47:26 PM  

UsikFark: Gyrfalcon: With all that equipment and violence, I have to assume the motive for the attack was sexual assault. However, since he arrived with a "sexual device" I also have to assume he couldn't, shall we say, achieve penetration of his own volition. So will his attorney be making that point at his trial, one wonders? That he couldn't actually have raped the victim? Is that the kind of defense a potential rapist wants to present?

Decisions, decisions...

Maybe his girlfriend was in the next room, waiting for the "exciting surprise" he had planned for the night.


You know, sometimes you really deserve your handle....
 
2013-01-06 09:54:16 PM  

ROGUECOP: "The violator 1000" part was left out of the report. You would be amazed how much silly stupid stuff will NEVER make it into an official report. Actually probably not


Than why did you have to tell the wife about it?
 
2013-01-06 09:57:59 PM  

Gyrfalcon: UsikFark: Gyrfalcon: With all that equipment and violence, I have to assume the motive for the attack was sexual assault. However, since he arrived with a "sexual device" I also have to assume he couldn't, shall we say, achieve penetration of his own volition. So will his attorney be making that point at his trial, one wonders? That he couldn't actually have raped the victim? Is that the kind of defense a potential rapist wants to present?

Decisions, decisions...

Maybe his girlfriend was in the next room, waiting for the "exciting surprise" he had planned for the night.

You know, sometimes you really deserve your handle....


related: youtube
 
2013-01-06 09:58:04 PM  
Speak for yourself subby
 
2013-01-06 10:02:29 PM  
This thread embodies the laughter at horror that Fark brings.

I laughed, I cried.

/window seat please, I want a good look at Gandhi.
 
2013-01-06 10:11:26 PM  

Ed 'Too Tall' Jones: Indeed. Normally he's found carrying two dildos, a knife, duct tape, and lube.


Gaffers tape.
 
2013-01-06 10:11:41 PM  

uncleacid: Did she have a burning bush?


Maybe he wanted to give her the "Flaming Amazon'.
 
2013-01-06 10:25:20 PM  

Gyrfalcon: With all that equipment and violence, I have to assume the motive for the attack was sexual assault. However, since he arrived with a "sexual device" I also have to assume he couldn't, shall we say, achieve penetration of his own volition. So will his attorney be making that point at his trial, one wonders? That he couldn't actually have raped the victim? Is that the kind of defense a potential rapist wants to present?

Decisions, decisions...


Did you RTFA? His attorney clearly stated that this attack was out of character for him, he is a fire chief you know.
 
2013-01-06 11:11:24 PM  
What a shiatstain.
 
2013-01-06 11:18:10 PM  
I think "tool" would have been a better term than "device".
 
2013-01-06 11:20:45 PM  

Unemployedingreenland: The hell you say! That's the beginning of a GREAT weekend around these parts.


This.

But subby did follow code from the airport security guy from Fight Club: "In the event of a dildo, we have to use the indefinite article 'a dildo', never 'your dildo'."

Lord Howard Hurtz: Easy there, Chief. I don't see 8-inch-dildo wound on the menu.


holy crap, I didn't expect a GPB reference when I woke up today. But that's the joy of life I guess.

/boudreau's coming! woofwoofwoof!
 
2013-01-06 11:28:22 PM  
Sexual assault with a concrete dildo...?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_fTtgMqUNm4
 
2013-01-06 11:30:53 PM  
Than why did you have to tell the wife about it?


Actually I did not tell her about the dildo. It was plenty awkward just telling her about where we found him and in what condition with the cocaine and such. There is no way she could have taken any additional horror details to her evening. Needless to say, she didn't know about his extracurricular activities. Any of them
 
2013-01-06 11:34:58 PM  

AbbeySomeone: Gyrfalcon: With all that equipment and violence, I have to assume the motive for the attack was sexual assault. However, since he arrived with a "sexual device" I also have to assume he couldn't, shall we say, achieve penetration of his own volition. So will his attorney be making that point at his trial, one wonders? That he couldn't actually have raped the victim? Is that the kind of defense a potential rapist wants to present?

Decisions, decisions...

Did you RTFA? His attorney clearly stated that this attack was out of character for him, he is a fire chief you know.


Is there some attack that would have been IN character for him, then? These character-based defenses become so complex.
 
2013-01-06 11:39:46 PM  

Gyrfalcon: AbbeySomeone: Gyrfalcon: With all that equipment and violence, I have to assume the motive for the attack was sexual assault. However, since he arrived with a "sexual device" I also have to assume he couldn't, shall we say, achieve penetration of his own volition. So will his attorney be making that point at his trial, one wonders? That he couldn't actually have raped the victim? Is that the kind of defense a potential rapist wants to present?

Decisions, decisions...

Did you RTFA? His attorney clearly stated that this attack was out of character for him, he is a fire chief you know.

Is there some attack that would have been IN character for him, then? These character-based defenses become so complex.


Such a feeble excuse, she may as well have said that he broke in to rape her but changed his mind so it's all good, right?
 
2013-01-07 12:02:49 AM  
Subby is a liar. The article said nothing about the sex toy being 8 inches long. I feel cheated.
 
2013-01-07 12:07:30 AM  
FTFA: And Becky, who ran illegal brothels in the Home Counties for 20 years before retiring in 2010

Has Britain legalized brothels in the last couple of years?
 
2013-01-07 12:09:03 AM  
wrong thread. {sigh}
 
2013-01-07 12:32:02 AM  
And He's on paid leave?

It's good to be king.
 
2013-01-07 12:32:38 AM  

pueblonative: Did a Google search for "The Violator 1000", came up with two results: an attorney and a Mormon.

Coincidence?


Hey, use Bing and you'll find some mp3s by a MySpace band called The Violator 1000.
 
2013-01-07 12:53:41 AM  

vudukungfu: People who join Fire Departments are weird.
/And coming from me...


Guilty...

/at least my weird is harmless
 
2013-01-07 01:40:52 AM  
Deputy Fire Chief, subby.
 
2013-01-07 01:46:11 AM  
What a dildo in the news may look like. Probably (NSFW) or prime time.
 
2013-01-07 06:59:25 AM  
images.tvrage.com
 
2013-01-07 06:54:37 PM  

Sparky the Fire Dog: vudukungfu: People who join Fire Departments are weird.
/And coming from me...

Guilty...

/at least my weird is harmless


NO worries. This guy was "Bring lube to an abduction, rape, and murder scenario" weird.
That's a special kind of weird.
 
2013-01-07 06:56:12 PM  

WeenerGord: What a dildo in the news may look like. Probably (NSFW) or prime time.


(Q_o'

OMFG

Can't breathe.... laughing too hard.
 
2013-01-07 11:11:43 PM  

vudukungfu: Sparky the Fire Dog: vudukungfu: People who join Fire Departments are weird.
/And coming from me...

Guilty...

/at least my weird is harmless

NO worries. This guy was "Bring lube to an abduction, rape, and murder scenario" weird.
That's a special kind of weird.


Yeah. I'm more the Firefighter, RPG fan, and knows how to knit (WTF?) kind of weird.
 
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