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(Some Guy)   Monsanto cucumbers cause genital baldness -- Immediately banned in Nova Scotia, imported to Malibu   (thelapine.ca) divider line 89
    More: Weird, Monsanto Inc., Nova Scotia, Malibu, Dalhousie University, UPC  
•       •       •

15030 clicks; posted to Main » on 03 Jan 2013 at 9:50 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



89 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

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2013-01-03 08:15:14 AM  
Is this supposed to be satire? How can the same country that gave us the Kids in the Hall produce THIS?
 
2013-01-03 09:29:20 AM  
This finding? A welcome surprise.
Most cukes do not go to your thighs.
To think, that for ages
The beauty-gear ages
Have only put cukes on their EYES.
 
2013-01-03 09:52:36 AM  
I see a lot of salads in my wife's future.
 
2013-01-03 09:52:53 AM  
Good, now I can stop man-scaping.
 
2013-01-03 09:53:47 AM  
FTFA: The participants also complained of raw skin in their genital area and some bed wetting.

And that's where it lost me.

The stories linked on the right side of the page are also suspicious.
 
2013-01-03 09:54:09 AM  
Half Hour News Hour - The Daily Show
The Lapine - The Onion
 
2013-01-03 09:54:11 AM  

MaxxLarge: This finding? A welcome surprise.
Most cukes do not go to your thighs.
To think, that for ages
The beauty-gear ages
Have only put cukes on their EYES.


Burma shave.
 
2013-01-03 09:54:17 AM  
" result in serious side effects including total groin hair loss and chafing in "sensitive areas",

YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT!

i.imgur.com

/picture is unrelated.
 
2013-01-03 09:54:41 AM  
The irony of cucumbers causing a certain cucumber-shaped organ to lose it's hard can't help but pester me.
 
2013-01-03 09:55:21 AM  
You're supposed to EAT them.
 
2013-01-03 09:56:06 AM  
As long as it doesn't turn the area under discussion green, it's all good.
 
2013-01-03 09:57:00 AM  

doglover: Is this supposed to be satire? How can the same country that gave us the Kids in the Hall produce THIS?


LowbrowDeluxe: Half Hour News Hour - The Daily Show
The Lapine - The Onion


From Earth First News "* The following story is actually a satire-i.e., almost too good to be true..."
 
2013-01-03 09:57:26 AM  
I see a lot of salads in my wife's future.

Same here. Save a LOT of $ on Brazillians!
 
2013-01-03 09:57:47 AM  
GET A CLEAN BIKINI LINE BY EATING THIS ONE WEIRD FOOD
 
2013-01-03 09:58:39 AM  
The Rabbits Eat Onions slogan on the main page sorta gives it away.
 
2013-01-03 09:58:44 AM  
and we wonder why companies like monsanto are tanking with satire attacks like this, hippys criticizing business policies, etc...

why don't we have any jobs, maaahhhnnn ? oh yeah, we killed all the big jobmakers, ... bummer, let's smoke another bowl of california-carbofuran-weed... yah maaahhhnnnn farrrrr ooouuuwwwtttt.

this country is ghey now.
 
2013-01-03 09:59:07 AM  
knowyourmeme.ru
 
2013-01-03 09:59:27 AM  
markfara: It turned mine warty. Not green though.
 
2013-01-03 09:59:29 AM  
then there's this gem at the end of the article:

"They used to have the real cucumber slices in those salad things at the City Hall Dining Club," sighed Former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford on the courthouse steps after being impeached by a Provincial Judge. "Those were good times..."

good times indeed....
 
2013-01-03 10:00:47 AM  

H31N0US: I see a lot of salads in my wife's future.


For some reason, she already kept a lot of cucumbers around anyways.
 
2013-01-03 10:01:27 AM  

PirateKing: You're supposed to EAT them.


So my wife's been doing it wrong then?

/OK with this, etc.
 
2013-01-03 10:03:34 AM  

darch: I see a lot of salads in my wife's future.

Same here. Save a LOT of $ on Brazillians!


How many zeros are there in a Brazillion?
 
2013-01-03 10:05:17 AM  

RevMark: darch: I see a lot of salads in my wife's future.

Same here. Save a LOT of $ on Brazillians!

How many zeros are there in a Brazillion?


A lot. But it's worth it- no more zero's between my teeth...
 
2013-01-03 10:05:31 AM  
Is Fark going to start greenlighting Onion articles now?
 
2013-01-03 10:05:31 AM  
So the AOL users will be posting this on face book next month?
 
2013-01-03 10:06:50 AM  
Monsanto... isn't that Cnadiun? MMMMM.... hair free Celine Dion.

I'll be in my bunk.
 
2013-01-03 10:07:22 AM  
Sent this around the office to see who catches the satire.

/prefers the term 'Manfro'
 
2013-01-03 10:08:05 AM  
Organic foods are one of the few things that liberals are right about.
 
2013-01-03 10:09:07 AM  
None of my girlfriends was ever partial to hairy cucumbers.
 
2013-01-03 10:09:15 AM  

doglover: Is this supposed to be satire? How can the same country that gave us the Kids in the Hall produce THIS?


Yes, it is satire.
 
2013-01-03 10:09:39 AM  

doglover: Is this supposed to be satire? How can the same country that gave us the Kids in the Hall produce THIS?


Alexa site ranking information: http://www.alexa.com/siteinfo/thelapine.ca#

This is so farking stupid. Not funny material from a site nobody even in Canada goes to.
 
2013-01-03 10:11:17 AM  

darwinpolice: GET A CLEAN BIKINI LINE BY EATING THIS ONE WEIRD FOOD


I always wondered who those were targeted towards.
 
2013-01-03 10:11:31 AM  
Is anyone actually surprised?

/cheaper than a Brazilian and can be readily incorporated into sex-play
 
2013-01-03 10:11:35 AM  

utah dude: and we wonder why companies like monsanto are tanking with satire attacks like this, hippys criticizing business policies, etc...

why don't we have any jobs, maaahhhnnn ? oh yeah, we killed all the big jobmakers, ... bummer, let's smoke another bowl of california-carbofuran-weed... yah maaahhhnnnn farrrrr ooouuuwwwtttt.

this country is ghey now.


Let's be clear here. Satire or not, Monsanto is evil and should be run off the face of the earth.
 
2013-01-03 10:11:53 AM  

computerguyUT: Monsanto... isn't that Cnadiun? MMMMM.... hair free Celine Dion.

I'll be in my bunk.


i50.tinypic.com
 
2013-01-03 10:14:23 AM  

utah dude: and we wonder why companies like monsanto are tanking with satire attacks like this, hippys criticizing business policies, etc...

why don't we have any jobs, maaahhhnnn ? oh yeah, we killed all the big jobmakers, ... bummer, let's smoke another bowl of california-carbofuran-weed... yah maaahhhnnnn farrrrr ooouuuwwwtttt.

this country is ghey now.


A lot of us just are'nt needed anymore.

Thank you modern military.
 
2013-01-03 10:14:23 AM  
You can take my Monsanto genetically modified cucumbers when you pry them FROM MY COLD, DEAD, BALD FINGERS!
/I didn't have to poop to shop a cucumber on to the "from my cold dead hands" meme of Charlton Heston and his flintlock
 
2013-01-03 10:15:14 AM  

ChipNASA: " result in serious side effects including total groin hair loss and chafing in "sensitive areas",

YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT!

[i.imgur.com image 850x567]

/picture is unrelated.


Why can't she be using a cordless grinder? That just looks ridiculous with the cord.
 
2013-01-03 10:17:35 AM  
but i've been assured repeatedly here on fark that all the advents in modern food (gmo etc.) is just good science and science is the best so it couldn't possible be bad and anyone who thinks otherwise is an anti-vaxxer / conspiracy theorist / birther / truther / hipster

/dnrtfa
 
2013-01-03 10:18:34 AM  
"Fully 3/4 of the people who ate these cukes had their crotch area hair fall out. This is not a joking matter at all...these people now have hairless heinies."

Just, just stop.  Please stop.
 
2013-01-03 10:19:34 AM  

inner ted: but i've been assured repeatedly here on fark that all the advents in modern food (gmo etc.) is just good science and science is the best so it couldn't possible be bad and anyone who thinks otherwise is an anti-vaxxer / conspiracy theorist / birther / truther / hipster

/dnrtfa


2/10

I don't think you'll get a bite. +2 for DNRTFA.
 
2013-01-03 10:19:46 AM  
This could cause a real pickle of an incident.
 
2013-01-03 10:20:18 AM  
".....and chafing in "sensitive areas", "

Maybe she should use more lube then.
 
2013-01-03 10:20:43 AM  

BitwiseShift: The Rabbits Eat Onions slogan on the main page sorta gives it away.


I thought the article itself gave it away. "Some bedwetting".

\I'm sure the article will be linked as real by a bunch of whackos
 
2013-01-03 10:21:01 AM  
Federal Minister of Health Leona Aglukkaq said a Canada-wide recall and ban will be issued within 24 hours. "The Government of Canada takes this very, very seriously," said the Minister. "Being hairless down there should be a matter of personal choice for Canadian men and women and not one taken away by a cucumber."



Are we sure this isn't from The Onion?
 
2013-01-03 10:22:52 AM  
I read that "Nova Scrotia", which of course is translated as "New Scotums".
 
2013-01-03 10:24:25 AM  

Mr.Hawk: Federal Minister of Health Leona Aglukkaq said a Canada-wide recall and ban will be issued within 24 hours. "The Government of Canada takes this very, very seriously," said the Minister. "Being hairless down there should be a matter of personal choice for Canadian men and women and not one taken away by a cucumber."


Are we sure this isn't from The Onion?


Didn't you RTFA? Rabbits eat Onions.
 
2013-01-03 10:26:32 AM  

Gleeman: PirateKing: You're supposed to EAT them.

So my wife's been doing it wrong then?

/OK with this, etc.


Felching is such a fun word
 
2013-01-03 10:28:22 AM  

Smoky Dragon Dish: Mr.Hawk: Federal Minister of Health Leona Aglukkaq said a Canada-wide recall and ban will be issued within 24 hours. "The Government of Canada takes this very, very seriously," said the Minister. "Being hairless down there should be a matter of personal choice for Canadian men and women and not one taken away by a cucumber."


Are we sure this isn't from The Onion?

Didn't you RTFA? Rabbits eat Onions.


Site seems legit:

http://www.thelapine.ca/atheist-suicide-bomber-kills-eighteen-agnosti c s
 
2013-01-03 10:30:44 AM  
serious side effects including total groin hair loss and chafing in "sensitive areas"

So, it's a win-lose?
 
2013-01-03 10:31:24 AM  

Mr.Hawk: Federal Minister of Health Leona Aglukkaq said a Canada-wide recall and ban will be issued within 24 hours. "The Government of Canada takes this very, very seriously," said the Minister. "Being hairless down there should be a matter of personal choice for Canadian men and women and not one taken away by a cucumber."


Are we sure this isn't from The Onion?


The Lapine is a satirical site. Go to it's main page and read the headlines and this becomes apparent. It is not as funny as The Onion, however.
 
2013-01-03 10:31:36 AM  
And this is why satirical news should be left to The Onion. I predict this gets picked up by Xinghua and goes around the world as a real story. Hippies will be biatching on Facebook about it within hours.
 
2013-01-03 10:31:49 AM  

Smoky Dragon Dish: Mr.Hawk: Federal Minister of Health Leona Aglukkaq said a Canada-wide recall and ban will be issued within 24 hours. "The Government of Canada takes this very, very seriously," said the Minister. "Being hairless down there should be a matter of personal choice for Canadian men and women and not one taken away by a cucumber."


Are we sure this isn't from The Onion?

Didn't you RTFA? Rabbits eat Onions.


Skimmed I would say. Coffee is in now though, and satire meter is on.
 
2013-01-03 10:32:55 AM  

JonnyG: doglover: Is this supposed to be satire? How can the same country that gave us the Kids in the Hall produce THIS?

Yes, it is satire.


No it's not, the tab at the top of the page that says "Canada's Best Satirical Newspaper" is just coincidence.
 
2013-01-03 10:34:34 AM  

ArcadianRefugee: serious side effects including total groin hair loss and chafing in "sensitive areas"

So, it's a win-lose?


That's premature, there's no details on what kind of friction caused the chafing.
 
2013-01-03 10:37:08 AM  

mbillips: And this is why satirical news should be left to The Onion. I predict this gets picked up by Xinghua and goes around the world as a real story. Hippies will be biatching on Facebook about it within hours.


There's a good chance it will be picked up by Natural News and then live on in infamy forever. You then might think it would make for good "gotcha!" moments when idiots start repeating it, but no. Being called out on fake news stories doesn't deter them in the least.
 
2013-01-03 10:37:20 AM  

Mr.Hawk: Smoky Dragon Dish: Mr.Hawk: Federal Minister of Health Leona Aglukkaq said a Canada-wide recall and ban will be issued within 24 hours. "The Government of Canada takes this very, very seriously," said the Minister. "Being hairless down there should be a matter of personal choice for Canadian men and women and not one taken away by a cucumber."


Are we sure this isn't from The Onion?

Didn't you RTFA? Rabbits eat Onions.

Skimmed I would say. Coffee is in now though, and satire meter is on.


Maybe you missed it because it's BAD satire?
 
2013-01-03 10:43:31 AM  
I don't know why they should be banned. It's hard enough using my razor, and Nair/Veet burns like hell.
 
2013-01-03 10:50:40 AM  
I'm surprised that they didn't include a play on the name of Monsanto's seed division Seminis.
 
2013-01-03 10:51:49 AM  
Lapine is Satire. Subby is fail.
 
2013-01-03 10:59:10 AM  
Sorry, I'm having a rough morning and have a few family members who are emotionally tied to GM food (as in they rant about its evils on FB all the time... ) so this gave me a good laugh. I actually posted it (with full disclosure that it was Satire).

I needed something silly to laugh at, this was it.
 
2013-01-03 11:02:18 AM  

JonnyG:
Let's be clear here. Satire or not, Monsanto is evil and should be run off the face of the earth.


[citation needed]

/and not some nut-conspiracy site either
 
rpm
2013-01-03 11:02:41 AM  

Smoky Dragon Dish: Is Fark going to start greenlighting Onion articles now?


I don't know, you tell me.

img1.fark.net
 
2013-01-03 11:07:43 AM  
Not the best news satire site in the world, perhaps, but I did like the headline "Obama calls Harper 'Large Lump'". (Not Subby. Obviously some other Canadian Farker--which answers your question about the same country producing KITH and La Lapine.)

I suspect that Obama's exact words were "ovarian cyst*", and also that "all pudge and hair" is a euphemism for all "pudendum and hair*".

*Punched that up for you for the sack of Canadian Farkers' reputation. After, all we have a tradition of strong, colourful unParliamentary language to defend.

All Pudendum and Hair is my new nickname for President Sweatervest's New and Unimproved Government of Canada (Patent pending).
 
2013-01-03 11:16:24 AM  

Weatherkiss: Burma shave.


You must be new.
 
2013-01-03 11:23:58 AM  

JonnyG: utah dude: and we wonder why companies like monsanto are tanking with satire attacks like this, hippys criticizing business policies, etc...

why don't we have any jobs, maaahhhnnn ? oh yeah, we killed all the big jobmakers, ... bummer, let's smoke another bowl of california-carbofuran-weed... yah maaahhhnnnn farrrrr ooouuuwwwtttt.

this country is ghey now.

Let's be clear here. Satire or not, Monsanto is evil and should be run off the face of the earth.


Millions are alive because of Monsanto's work with GM products.
 
2013-01-03 11:28:40 AM  
Twinks everywhere rejoice! Bottle this shiat and sell it for that purpose. Profit!
 
2013-01-03 11:49:06 AM  
Monsanto may be evil, but fear of GMOs is stupid and evil. Golden rice for everyone.
 
2013-01-03 11:52:07 AM  
Where can I get some? Hate shaving, love being smooth down there.
 
2013-01-03 11:56:31 AM  
I fully expect this to pop up in my news feed courtesy of some pushy vegans I know...
 
2013-01-03 12:04:42 PM  
Unfunny satire is the worst. When they quote puported experts who say things that are completely out of character (e.g. "hairless heinies") it just ruins the tone and the jokes fall flat. Humor is in the sarcasm, Onion style.
 
2013-01-03 12:10:06 PM  

dopekitty74: Where can I get some? Hate shaving, love being smooth down there.


Warning: AW alert. This one really, really wants some horny male attention so she can feel better about herself.
 
2013-01-03 12:15:38 PM  
Canadian. Never heard of the site before. Started reading it assuming it was legit. Couldn't get past the sleeve-snickering tone of the article, knew it had to be someone's misheard-interpretation of satire. Which was kind of a pity because I was hoping Monsanto finally farked something up bad enough to leave them with a stain in their genetically-modified shorts, the evil pricks.
 
2013-01-03 12:26:56 PM  

dopekitty74: Where can I get some? Hate shaving, love being smooth down there.


How YOU doin?
 
2013-01-03 12:30:37 PM  

Quantum Apostrophe: markfara: It turned mine warty. Not green though.


img145.imageshack.us
It turned me into a Newt!
 
2013-01-03 12:43:14 PM  

rpm: Smoky Dragon Dish: Is Fark going to start greenlighting Onion articles now?

I don't know, you tell me.

[img1.fark.net image 77x27]


And how often do we see those?
 
2013-01-03 01:03:35 PM  
This article is hilarious. Monsanto are horrid, terrible people. I have a taste for tzatziki.
 
2013-01-03 01:07:56 PM  

bunner: tzatziki


OMG, I LOVE this stuff! I first had to look up the word and when I did, I immediately started getting hungry. Plus, I found a recipe. So -- thanks, Bunner! :)
 
2013-01-03 01:20:36 PM  
i.ytimg.com
I can't believe ...
 
2013-01-03 01:20:49 PM  

Psychopusher: Canadian. Never heard of the site before. Started reading it assuming it was legit. Couldn't get past the sleeve-snickering tone of the article, knew it had to be someone's misheard-interpretation of satire. Which was kind of a pity because I was hoping Monsanto finally farked something up bad enough to leave them with a stain in their genetically-modified shorts, the evil pricks.


I hear you. But just what if Monsanto products actually are safe and can feed the world more practically than conventional seeds? Why do we want something bad to happen to prove their evilness, rather than see nothing but full, seedless bellies for all?
 
2013-01-03 01:23:36 PM  
I we sure they were eating them?
 
2013-01-03 01:37:25 PM  

highendmighty: I hear you. But just what if Monsanto products actually are safe and can feed the world more practically than conventional seeds? Why do we want something bad to happen to prove their evilness, rather than see nothing but full, seedless bellies for all?


I've nothing against GM crops -- fact is, this planet would be farked and undergo some serious population reduction if we didn't have bountiful GM crops to sustain it. I have everything against Monsanto and their business practises, though. I'm not saying I want something to go wrong with a crop or anything, but I doubt anything short of that is going shake them from their virtual monopoly on GM products.
 
2013-01-03 02:32:25 PM  

JonnyG: utah dude: and we wonder why companies like monsanto are tanking with satire attacks like this, hippys criticizing business policies, etc...

why don't we have any jobs, maaahhhnnn ? oh yeah, we killed all the big jobmakers, ... bummer, let's smoke another bowl of california-carbofuran-weed... yah maaahhhnnnn farrrrr ooouuuwwwtttt.

this country is ghey now.

Let's be clear here. Satire or not, Monsanto is evil and should be run off the face of the earth.


hippy.
 
2013-01-03 02:33:37 PM  

jgilb: JonnyG: utah dude: and we wonder why companies like monsanto are tanking with satire attacks like this, hippys criticizing business policies, etc...

why don't we have any jobs, maaahhhnnn ? oh yeah, we killed all the big jobmakers, ... bummer, let's smoke another bowl of california-carbofuran-weed... yah maaahhhnnnn farrrrr ooouuuwwwtttt.

this country is ghey now.

Let's be clear here. Satire or not, Monsanto is evil and should be run off the face of the earth.

Millions are alive because of Monsanto's work with GM products.


a lot of topsoil ain't going down the mississippi river nomore's, either.
 
2013-01-03 05:45:44 PM  
i471.photobucket.com

Approves.

/David Letterman blushes, leaves desk and exits stage left
 
2013-01-03 08:22:35 PM  
The Lapine is a satire newspaper. The Canadian equivalent of the Onion.

You're a farking moron.
 
2013-01-04 12:20:50 AM  
Most likely luddite propaganda
 
2013-01-06 03:39:11 PM  
jgilb:

"Millions are alive because of Monsanto's work with GM products."

Now that's quality satire.

9/10
 
2013-01-06 05:41:17 PM  

o'really: jgilb:

"Millions are alive because of Monsanto's work with GM products."

Now that's quality satire.

9/10


The anti-GM folks sound a helluva lot like the anti-vaxxers

/Jenny McCarthy probably hates Monsanto too
 
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