Rule #1:
Don't give a 13 year-old a phone.

Dear moms, remember what you were like as a teenager? That's what you're kid is like. Remember when your mom said don't do that, but you did it anyway? That's what your kid is like.

zez: There is no need to document everything. Live your experiences. They will be stored in your memory for eternity.

And that's why she posted that to her blog and probably facebook and twitter too and then called up the news station so they could post it as well along with a picture and video.

/I learned it from you mom, I learned it from yoooouuuuuuuuu

Yeah, I'm sure her don't be an attention whore grandstanding is going to go over really well once he finds out the story has been plastered all over the local news and internet. But I think the real issue here is what is worse: stupid AW mom believing she is being hip and edgy with her groundrules, or the local news station that somehow thinks this is broadcast worthy?

Wonder without googling? Seriously? "This band is cool. I wonder what the name of it is?" "I wonder who said 'Give me liberty or give me death'?" Seriously, lady? This is an instant research tool!

And turning it in before 9pm on a weekend? He's farking 13! 8th grade! What does he do after 9 on a Friday? Go to bed? And certainly no Friday night games or anything like that. Better not go to the movies that start at 7:30. You'll miss your turn in deadline.

And, access to music like no other? Seriously? You're encouraging him to torrent and break the law? Because, otherwise, iTunes and other legit sources are exactly the same as a music store. You know the ones that closed up after Napster started? What do you think kids bought? And they had snobby music kids running the store to recommend old stuff.

As a parent of a soon-to-be 13 year old. Telling them not to take it to school or leave the house without it is dumb. I yell at my daughter when she leaves her cell phone (It's an Optimus S, no way an iphone's coming into my house) at home. The only reason for kids to have the bloody thing is to make it easier for me to contact her when needed. "Oh, you're over at your friends house? Great, I'll text you and tell you to come home now" "At school and your way home is no longer what you thought it was when you left for school? Great, I'll text you what to do instead."

Sure, there are other ways to deal with such situations. None are as convenient for me to make sure the message is received.

LazarusLong42: Thank you, random mom, for putting in writing so much of what's wrong with helicopter parenting.

Meh. Expecting your kid to not carelessly trash several hundred dollars of electronics, or end up on charges of child porn, is not helicopter parenting. Besides which, the phrase pretty much has no meaning while the kid is still a minor anyway. Parents are legally required to be responsible for what a minor does.

Helicoptering is when you do things for your 18+ emancipated child that he/she should be doing themselves. Such as talking to his college freshman comp teacher about why he got a b- on his essay, or sitting in on a job interview with him.

DeathCipris: This one. Right here. Why bother "gifting" the phone if you are just going to remind him that "IT IS MY PHONE. I WORKED TO PAY FOR IT. NAH NAH!"? My Dad used to pull this EXACT stunt and I still resent him for it. It is a dick move and if you can't afford to give it away, don't gift it. Simple as that.

Do you think the 13 year old would rather have had a loaned phone or no phone at all?

browntimmy: Dear moms, remember what you were like as a teenager? That's what you're kid is like. Remember when your mom said don't do that, but you did it anyway? That's what your kid is like.

No no no! It's DIFFERENT when you're the parent! Everything will be perfect. The father with young daughter thinks he can shelter her until she's 21 and married, because he KNOWS what boys are like, having been one himself, and his little princess will always be 10yrs old and "daddy's little girl". She'd NEVER do anything behind his back. Oh no. He's in CONTROL.

Except he's not. They act crazy and irresponsible like nearly every other teenager and college student in the farking world. And then when they grow up and they're done rebelling or going nuts, they turn into overcompensating mommy or daddy and do the same exact thing to their kids, under the same illusions.


/grandparents just sit back and laugh

So if it says mom or dad he always has to answer even if he's in the bathroom or in class?

Molavian: sigdiamond2000: It's so much easier to just not have kids.

I bet it is. Of course, you become a developmentally challenged adult. Basically you remain a socially stunted semi-child for the rest of your life.

[ohsnap.jpg]

No pr0n? She is a monster.

if your mom writes you a letter that includes the phrase "i love you madly", you've got bigger problems coming than violating your 18 point agreement

Braindeath: So if it says mom or dad he always has to answer even if he's in the bathroom or in class?

Dammit. Came here to say the exact same thing.

Most Definitely NSFW!!!

/headphones needed

Poor kid, with guidance like that he's destined to be a virgin well into his 50s.

/which is what Mom wants him to be
//at least until all her friends start proudly clucking about their grandchildren ten years from now
///also what FARK wants him to be, obviously... misery, company, etc.

Molavian: sigdiamond2000: It's so much easier to just not have kids.

I bet it is. Of course, you become a developmentally challenged adult. Basically you remain a socially stunted semi-child for the rest of your life.

Yes... because having kids is the only purpose in life and the only thing that makes you an adult. Right.

/has two kids
//doesn't see how that's somehow a requirement for adulthood

LazarusLong42: Molavian: sigdiamond2000: It's so much easier to just not have kids.

I bet it is. Of course, you become a developmentally challenged adult. Basically you remain a socially stunted semi-child for the rest of your life.

Yes... because having kids is the only purpose in life and the only thing that makes you an adult. Right.

/has two kids
//doesn't see how that's somehow a requirement for adulthood

Apparently "being an adult" is equated with sacrificing your happiness in order to raise the next generation, rather than living for your own sake.

What a control freak. Don't take pictures or video? Why did you buy him this phone if you aren't going to allow him to actually enjoy it?

The contract says nothing about apps. Strange.

jeez mom.. controlling much?

I agree. If the first thing one says about a "gift" is "It's still mine", then it's not a gift. And, dear parents. that sort of thinking scars people for life. My sister and I paid out a lot of our hard-earned to rid ourselves of that horrible sensation that one could be undressed on the street by the "owners" of the clothes we wore.

Second, whether 13 or 31 or 81, there is nothing I would want enough to make me knuckle under that dictatorial biatch. I had one like that, and I literally crossed out the days until my 18th birthday. (I ran away once while still a minor. The cops brought me back. Thanks a lot, piggies). I would tell her "It's your phone, well... here. Have a lot of fun with it". Chopper parents deserve the same treatment the Mujaheddin gave real choppers in the eighties: Stinger up the arse.

ace in your face:
Bullshiat, we are getting smarter. We used to sit around arguing and wondering and now we look things up and actually know what the fark we are talking about. We have beautiful devices like wiki and factcheck and snopes so we don't have to walk around like idiots believing in bullshiat, and can correct the idiots spreading it. If most of your conversations include "man did you see that awesome video?" then you need new friends not more wondering.

Were you in a different solar system during the recent elections?

misanthropicsob: Wonder without googling? Seriously? "This band is cool. I wonder what the name of it is?" "I wonder who said 'Give me liberty or give me death'?" Seriously, lady? This is an instant research tool!

That isn't wondering, that is trivia research. Wondering about something would be "I wonder what would happen if..." or "Why does X happen?" Thinking about things before you google them helps you in learning to think. If you always rely on tech to do everything for you, you will end up using a calculator to figure out what your share of a 40 dollar restaurant bill is. besides, trying to figure stuff out is way more fun than simply googling the relevant facts.

And, access to music like no other? Seriously? You're encouraging him to torrent and break the law? Because, otherwise, iTunes and other legit sources are exactly the same as a music store. You know the ones that closed up after Napster started? What do you think kids bought? And they had snobby music kids running the store to recommend old stuff.

Yeah, there is no way that between itunes, spotify and who knows what else that the kids have access to more obscure bands than people had 20 years ago. A day of random clicking in spotify will expose you to more bands you never knew existed than browsing record stores ever could.

The lesson being "Attention whoring is only bad when your shiatty blog has a low hit-count, son." What a load. Can anyone do anything without contacting the media these days? How about realizing that lil Billy is a CHILD and will break every single one of those rules before the toner sets. I have yet to see one that didn't eventually fall in the hole of internet pr0n fun. Give him a burner dumbphone and pray that those old 900 numbers still work lol.

Land Ark: I dunno, a parent expecting her kid to take personal responsibility and be a respectful member of society instead of a bot is starting to seem more and more like news.

Then she shouldn't have bought the kid a 600 dollar smartphone.

19. Do not taunt iPhone.

Molavian: LazarusLong42: Yes... because having kids is the only purpose in life and the only thing that makes you an adult. Right.

You didn't notice any changes in how you deal with life? Because I sure notice different levels of maturity in childless friends.

Lexx: Apparently "being an adult" is equated with sacrificing your happiness in order to raise the next generation, rather than living for your own sake.

Yes, that's exactly what I said. Good job.

Ooooooooh, a troll. My mistake for biting. Damn.

1. Greatest mom? More like "insufferable coont" for making a written list and "permanent embarrassment" for publicizing it.
2. You'll always know the password? Maybe to the lock screen. Good luck with the app and service profile passwords.
3. Answer voice calls? All that waxing nostalgic about wonder and reflection and admonishing against being a douchebag - yet you insist your kid be the one who interrupts all that in-person, unplugged time to slavishly answer *voice calls*? Voice calls are implicitly rude and presumptuous. The proper approach is to skeptically determine whether you want to talk to that person *right then*.
4. Hand the phone to a parent at 7:30? This will last a week. Then it will be "put it on the kitchen table at 7:30" for a couple weeks. Then you'll give up. Because it's nonsense and a pain in the ass. Way to go, setting obtuse boundaries for the sake of appearances.
5. It doesn't go to school? What exactly is the point of a cell phone the kid doesn't have with them? If it's a money thing, maybe you should've gotten an iPod Touch and line2?
6. "Save to fix/replace it" -- Sane parenting advice.
7. Don't lie? Whether your kid's personality incorporates deception and doucebaggery is pretty much set by thirteen. Saying it now is too little too late and if the kid *is* honest, you just took a shiat on them by supposing they're just itching not to be, or admitting you don't know if they are.
8. Don't say digitally what you wouldn't say in person -- Sane parenting advice.
9. "Censor yourself"? Wrong framing. It's not about shiat you can't say. It's about forethought; "shiat that might come back to bite you in the ass". Sometimes it's *right* to call someone a coont. Even (sometimes particularly) if their parents are in the room.
10. No porn? Good farking grief and Good farking luck.
11. Don't be a douchebag in public? Sane parenting advice.
12. Don't sext? Abstinence-only sext education doesn't work.
13. Live experiences rather than record everything? meh. six of one, half-dozen of the other.
14. Leave your phone at home sometimes? Random chance is going to leave you phone-less often enough. No need to be explicit about it.
15. Don't just listen to what your friends listen to? But what if his friends are _also_ trying to be different? Heart's in the right place on this one, but you just took a shiat over all his current and future friends and admitted you have no farking clue what he listens to *or* what other teenagers listen to.
16. Play word games and brain teasers? Jesus, what a controlling coont. Firstly, those are like "new iPhone 101" things. You don't need to lay that out in the "don't be a douchebag" speech. Secondly, just because the NYTimes had a crossword and not a Bad Piggies board doesn't mean the crossword is inherently better.
17. Don't just have your head in the phone? Solid parenting advice. if not for that earlier nonsense about *always* answering voice calls.
18. "i am on your team"? Not with this list you're not. It's very clear that it's *your* team and you're not ready to see if he'd join it by his own choice. Half this list makes me wonder if you even *know* your own kid.

Just got my kids their first cell phones ... I gave them a year's worth for time and texts... they blow it... it's their problem to buy more time...

Just got them the pre-paid cards, so no data, unless they are connected via WIFI...

These are for "needed" calls and not for blabbing... and that's pretty much fine with them as they are home bodies anyways... they do the tap-tap-tap all through the day, but kids are kids... considering that they are 17 and 18 and "survived" without cells so far...

It has just been a pain to know where they're at when they'd go out....

The mother is an idiot. Cases in point:

5. It does not go to school with you. Have a conversation with the people you text in person. It's a life skill. *Half days, field trips and after school activities will require special consideration.

Huh? Perhaps the greatest security device ever created, and you are going to make sure it never gets used that way. Nice thinking, Stooge.

6. If it falls into the toilet, smashes on the ground, or vanishes into thin air, you are responsible for the replacement costs or repairs. Mow a lawn, babysit, stash some birthday money. It will happen, you should be prepared.

If that option is open, then how about just making him buy his own phone, and teach him a real life lesson?

useless video link

How did this become a story? She had to tell the news orgs about it. Self promoting biatch.

Thanks Mom, but I already bought myself an iPhone 5 last month financed from selling drugs, which you didn't notice while you were busy blogging...

Wow. It looks like his junior high school buddies are put in force to call out his mom. At least that's the only reason I can see for a parent attempting to actually, you know, parent.

I remember when setting limits and teaching children to be responsible was just called "parenting". Although I don't agree with every one of her rules, I do think that being up front with your child about what is expected of them is a good thing. And putting it in writing certainly can't hurt - teenagers are worst than lawyers when it comes to finding loopholes. ("your rule said that *I* couldn't download porn, mom. I gave the phone to my buddy and *he* downloaded it. I just looked at it.", etc)

There is no need to document everything. Live your experiences. They will be stored in your memory for eternity.

Ever hear of this little thing that happens late in life called Alzheimer's?

/She's an overprotective control freak.
//It's a wonder the kid isn't crazy... or is he?

I_Can't_Believe_it's_not_Boutros: Not in writing, but my parents put similar stipulations on me and my siblings when we started to drive. I was lucky enough to get a hand-me-down car, and it came with three basic rules.

I was responsible for gas and maintenance. If they caught me driving after drinking, it was their car again. And the one I still think was really smart: they paid my insurance as long as I was in school and I didn't get a ticket that raised the insurance rates.

It really makes you think twice about speeding if a ticket can mean paying your own insurance for the next few years.

My parents did something similar and you're right, it does make you think twice.

They never did find out about my one speeding ticket in college but man, was I sweating that one for a few months.

Cyno01: Pythagoras: LazarusLong42: Also, "Wonder without Googling?" Congratulations, you've missed the point if the Internet.

I actually miss trying to figure what happened or why something happens or who that person is without resorting to the Internet. Made for good conversation.

WHY?!

"Oh man, what was that other movie that guy was in, with that other guy..." "Oh, i know what youre talking about, its on the tip of my tongue." "fark, this is gonna bug me all night"


Ohh! Navy Seals!

/not obscure

I know of at least one 13-year-old who would have been all "JOY!" until seeing the rules, at which point the screaming, the stomping of feet, the slamming of doors, and possibly the smashing of the phone would have ensued.

If the phone weren't smashed, then there would have been eye-rolling promises to abide by all of the rules, which would have been broken, one after another, in the course of the next five minutes.

Verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry glad those days are behind me.

ChrisDe: Negotiate, kid. She already had the phone, if you refused to sign there would have been a counter-offer. You failed the first life lesson.

I thought the exact same thing.
"Mom, since my reluctance to sign this results in you nonetheless being locked into a minimum 2-year agreement for a device that will go unused, I think we can come to an agreement on more equitable terms of use. I'll be listening to my iPod touch, which incidentally allows me to communicate with friends via text message, the preferred mode of communication that's all the rage with us young people and a feature which you probably did not realize was included in a device that you thought was nothing more than a glorified jukebox. Let me know when you when you have a counter-offer ready and we'll set up a time to discuss."

Molavian: LazarusLong42: Yes... because having kids is the only purpose in life and the only thing that makes you an adult. Right.

You didn't notice any changes in how you deal with life? Because I sure notice different levels of maturity in childless friends.

Lexx: Apparently "being an adult" is equated with sacrificing your happiness in order to raise the next generation, rather than living for your own sake.

Yes, that's exactly what I said. Good job.

Nope, that's what I assumed you meant. Because that's the only difference I can see, in terms of maturity, between having a kid and not having a kid - whose sake you live for.

jack21221: DeathCipris: This one. Right here. Why bother "gifting" the phone if you are just going to remind him that "IT IS MY PHONE. I WORKED TO PAY FOR IT. NAH NAH!"? My Dad used to pull this EXACT stunt and I still resent him for it. It is a dick move and if you can't afford to give it away, don't gift it. Simple as that.

Do you think the 13 year old would rather have had a loaned phone or no phone at all?

Coming from the the same situation, I would rather go out and get it on my own or go without. It isn't a requisite like the car that I had to have to get to and from work when I was 15. I bought my own phone and my own car as soon as I could afford it because I was tired of hearing it doesn't belong to me and is just on loan.
And don't you dare say "Well it made you a better person!" No. It didn't. It made me bitter, cynical, and resentful of him.

We damn well better get a followup on this one.