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(Wired)   How Navy Seals would rescue Han Solo, escape from zombies, and upstage batman   (wired.com) divider line 44
    More: Interesting, Navy SEALs, college kids, SimCity, Zero Dark Thirty, rescues, Design for Loving, Wired magazine  
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5090 clicks; posted to Geek » on 01 Jan 2013 at 4:57 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-12-31 11:53:52 PM
On the nuclear weapon:

If it is a known type of device that is manufactured to not detonate unless properly triggered, then it would probably be faster and safer to hit all the trucks with airstrikes simultaneously. There might be a small amount of local radioactive contamination similar to a dirty bomb, but it would prevent an actual nuclear detonation.

In other words, you don't really need the SEALs for that one. A classic problem in military thinking is selecting the wrong resource for the job.
 
2013-01-01 02:01:33 AM
Batman should be capitalized.
 
2013-01-01 03:04:39 AM
encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com
I don't know old chum, why would a seal want to rescue a han solo? i do know what a zombie is though...
 
2013-01-01 04:59:48 AM
Let me guess, it goes something like this:

How It Should Have Ended: Return of the Jedi
 
2013-01-01 05:02:10 AM

Sid_6.7: If it is a known type of device that is manufactured to not detonate unless properly triggered, then it would probably be faster and safer to hit all the trucks with airstrikes simultaneously. There might be a small amount of local radioactive contamination similar to a dirty bomb, but it would prevent an actual nuclear detonation.


The problem is not someone using the nuclear weapon itself, as the PAL would never allow that to happen to begin with, but using the physics package or the fissile material within in their own weapon's design.
 
2013-01-01 05:42:00 AM
FTFA: "Anyone with a weapon is a threat, and SEALs shoot the threats."

Han SEALs shot first!
 
2013-01-01 05:51:37 AM
Lets see....
Return of the Jedi: Not sure if Jabba's place has any windows, which could screw up the plans. Then, of course, there's the matter of not knowing where (on their bodies) its most effective to shoot some of the aliens.

Willow: They don't really address how they'd handle the evil queens magic.

Dawn of the Dead: Sounds reasonable. They know they're screwed.

Dark Knight: A whole lot of 'as long as things go right' in that scenario. I think Bane would've reacted poorly to seeing helicopters buzzing around.
 
2013-01-01 06:35:14 AM
Step 1: Wait until Hans Solo's been dead for 10 years.
Step 2: Shoot some patsy in a made-up video.
Step 3: Profit.
 
2013-01-01 06:38:43 AM
A scenario I thought of ...

- Necropolis from Gaunt's Ghosts/Warhammer 40k novel series.

Situation: Navy Seals, along with an allied tank and soldier regiments, as well as civilian defenders armed with explosives (many work in mining, oil and munitions industries), are held up in besieged walled portion of a major city. The city is surrounded by enemy soldiers, tanks and artillery. Neither side has air support. The waterway is too rapid to swim and boats have been destroyed. Operatives must deal with enemy infantry charging the walls during a heavy artillery barrage, followed immediately by a tank wave, then deal with enemy saboteur teams who have infiltrated the city via oil pipelines. Seals must then kill traitorous city leaders residing in the main skyscraper. Following that, Seals would have to exit the walled city, navigate ruins while avoiding patrols and armor, and infiltrate the enemy leaders' command "landship", which is likely the size of a typical oceangoing cargo vessel. The bridge and communications area must be destroyed and the enemy commander needs to die for the siege to be broken.
 
2013-01-01 07:05:01 AM

DrPainMD: Step 1: Wait until Hans Solo's been dead for 10 years.
Step 2: Shoot some patsy in a made-up video.
Step 3: Profit.



you missed a few steps:
"make sure there is no trial"
"make a propaganda film with Kathy Jiggalo called "Point Broke: Torture Boogaloo!"
"dump the body at sea"
"provide ZERO evidence"

etc etc...
 
2013-01-01 07:18:25 AM
Willow (1988)
Scenario: An evil queen holes up at the top of a high-walled castle, protected by archers and swordsmen. The gates open only from the inside.

Mann: "A Special Purpose Insertion and Extraction rig lets seven or so guys hang on a helicopter line-they can come off the line or provide security from the line, shooting into the castle. The archers and swordsmen are easily taken out by these snipers. Throw in gas and the rest come out choking; rush in with gas masks on, put a gas mask on the queen, hook her to the SPIE rig, and pull her out from the top."


Needs more pee-pee
 
2013-01-01 07:20:37 AM
All the entries were basically "sneak in, shoot stuff, rescue/deactivate, gtfo"

Not really anything a kid that is a pro at the Call of Duty or Ghost Recon couldn't type up.
 
2013-01-01 08:20:04 AM

LiberalWeenie: Let me guess, it goes something like this:

How It Should Have Ended: Return of the Jedi


I want a T-shirt that says "But I wanted to do something stupid complicated".
 
2013-01-01 08:33:16 AM

BronyMedic: The problem is not someone using the nuclear weapon itself, as the PAL would never allow that to happen to begin with, but using the physics package or the fissile material within in their own weapon's design.


Well, that's assuming the PAL code is a little more complicated than 00000000.
 
2013-01-01 08:54:57 AM

some_beer_drinker: [encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com image 252x200]
I don't know old chum, why would a seal want to rescue a han solo? i do know what a zombie is though...


"Maybe it's a riddle, Batman! Seal...solo...zombie...how does it add up?!"
 
2013-01-01 09:07:21 AM
So basically what I got from that was, Rope in from a Helo, shoot everyone, leave.

/sounds like a good plan.
 
2013-01-01 09:10:02 AM
What if the bad guys have stingers? There go the helos, and the Seals.
 
2013-01-01 10:09:11 AM
Drop in on helicopter and kill everyone?
 
2013-01-01 10:14:02 AM
Dawn of the Dead

There were a couple hundreds of zombies around the mall. It would took the SEALs about 5 minutes of target practice to clean the area. Actually, when I was watching the movie I wondered why the survivors didn't start shooting them up one by one, they had guns and could have finished the job in less than an hour.

Wait, it was a stupid movie.
 
2013-01-01 10:20:02 AM

traylor: There were a couple hundreds of zombies around the mall.


4.bp.blogspot.com

Just a few more then a couple hundred.

/was stupid
//I enjoyed it though
 
2013-01-01 10:21:19 AM

traylor: Dawn of the Dead

There were a couple hundreds of zombies around the mall. It would took the SEALs about 5 minutes of target practice to clean the area. Actually, when I was watching the movie I wondered why the survivors didn't start shooting them up one by one, they had guns and could have finished the job in less than an hour.

Wait, it was a stupid movie.


Well that goes for most zombie movies. Get high ground and ammunition, kill all zombies, win.
 
2013-01-01 10:54:53 AM

Smackledorfer: traylor: Dawn of the Dead

There were a couple hundreds of zombies around the mall. It would took the SEALs about 5 minutes of target practice to clean the area. Actually, when I was watching the movie I wondered why the survivors didn't start shooting them up one by one, they had guns and could have finished the job in less than an hour.

Wait, it was a stupid movie.

Well that goes for most zombie movies. Get high ground and ammunition, kill all zombies, win.


Just rig a cantilever with heavy weights and rope/chain.

1. Drop weights on zombies to kill some.

2. Winch it back up.

3. Repeat.
 
2013-01-01 11:39:28 AM
Zombies? Not a problem.
 
2013-01-01 11:41:05 AM
Damn! Should have previewed first.
upload.wikimedia.org
 
2013-01-01 11:49:06 AM
But how would fly navy handle Black Hawk Down?
 
2013-01-01 11:53:09 AM
TFA would be more impressive if the SEALs had only used the weaponry/technology available in the movies.
 
2013-01-01 12:48:44 PM

Fano: But how would fly navy handle Black Hawk Down?


He would call in the Marine Core.
 
2013-01-01 12:56:03 PM
Evil queen in Willow turned an entire army into pigs.

Remind me how SEALs deal with magic again?
 
2013-01-01 01:16:11 PM
don't forget the torture porn!
 
2013-01-01 01:49:47 PM

kim jong-un: Evil queen in Willow turned an entire army into pigs.

Remind me how SEALs deal with magic again?



If the evil queen turns the SEAL team into pigs, they would of course be a team of angry, bad-ass pigs that will easily kill any threat in their path and then accomplish their mission.

During the debriefing, the commanding pig will snort "She must have thought turning us into pigs would slow us down."
 
2013-01-01 02:07:01 PM
Fall of the Lich King (World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King)

The Lich King is held up on a giant frozen spire above a glacier - he sits there on a throne above a large, icy platform. A Hostage (former military leader Bolvar Fordring) is held in chains above him quartered. He is equipped with cold-generating spells, the ability to raise the dead that follow him unquestioningly, a group of winged beings that pick people up and throw them off the platform, and a soul-sucking sword. He can also insta-gib everyone. Your commander has been frozen in a block of ice.

Explain how you survive.
 
2013-01-01 02:35:24 PM

saintstryfe: Fall of the Lich King (World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King)

The Lich King is held up on a giant frozen spire above a glacier - he sits there on a throne above a large, icy platform. A Hostage (former military leader Bolvar Fordring) is held in chains above him quartered. He is equipped with cold-generating spells, the ability to raise the dead that follow him unquestioningly, a group of winged beings that pick people up and throw them off the platform, and a soul-sucking sword. He can also insta-gib everyone. Your commander has been frozen in a block of ice.

Explain how you survive.


th03.deviantart.net
 
2013-01-01 02:43:31 PM
I'm sorry, Seal Team, but your helicoper isn't getting anywhere near Jabba's palace in the first place.
 
2013-01-01 03:29:13 PM
img443.imageshack.us
These highly trained individuals didn't even need to storm anything - they had elevators. See what good it did them.
 
2013-01-01 05:43:38 PM

AbiNormal: Damn! Should have previewed first.
[upload.wikimedia.org image 800x458]


You should read WWZ. It did a pretty good job of explaining why tank rounds are ineffective VS zombies. Think shooting a gun at a swarm of gnats.

However, it didn't explain why just driving tanks and APCs over the hordes to crush them wouldn't work...
 
2013-01-01 06:12:12 PM

MadMattressMack: AbiNormal: Damn! Should have previewed first.
[upload.wikimedia.org image 800x458]

You should read WWZ. It did a pretty good job of explaining why tank rounds are ineffective VS zombies. Think shooting a gun at a swarm of gnats.

However, it didn't explain why just driving tanks and APCs over the hordes to crush them wouldn't work...


Better?
www.greatlakes4x4.com
 
2013-01-01 08:47:33 PM

MadMattressMack: AbiNormal: Damn! Should have previewed first.
[upload.wikimedia.org image 800x458]

You should read WWZ. It did a pretty good job of explaining why tank rounds are ineffective VS zombies. Think shooting a gun at a swarm of gnats.

However, it didn't explain why just driving tanks and APCs over the hordes to crush them wouldn't work...


You know that tank rounds explode, right? You don't have to be extremely accurate firing into a mass of targets which aren't trying to avoid being hit.
 
2013-01-01 08:55:44 PM

LoneWolf343: You know that tank rounds explode, right? You don't have to be extremely accurate firing into a mass of targets which aren't trying to avoid being hit.


And WWZ goes into why explosions were useless in masses of Zombies. All they do is start crawling and limping towards you. Blast trauma means nothing when the only way to kill them is to destroy the brain.

andrewagill: Well, that's assuming the PAL code is a little more complicated than 00000000.


IANANWT (I am not a Nuclear Weapons Technician), but as I understand it from reading FAS and other resources, modern PAL links have to be armed by specific software and hardware systems that are far more complex than just two men with a key each and a code, and starts from the top down. Non-missile weapons, like the modern B61s and Nuclear Hawks carried by the B1Bs, B2s and B52s have to be armed with a specific computer system matched to the PAL version they are equipped with. Remote sites can even dial in the yield of individual weapons and MIRVS launched from a site to limit the scope of a nuclear attack/counter-attack rather than going all out.
 
2013-01-01 11:14:28 PM
Just turn the tank into a big shotgun.
www.g2mil.com
 
2013-01-01 11:33:53 PM

RabidJade: All the entries were basically "sneak in, shoot stuff, rescue/deactivate, gtfo"

Not really anything a kid that is a pro at the Call of Duty or Ghost Recon couldn't type up.


Would be cool to be able to use twist-tie cuffs on someone in an FPS. Kinda like the humiliation of getting knifed.

Just twitch on the ground a little bit then respawn.
 
2013-01-02 01:55:38 AM
Here's a synopsis of WWZ and the US military's big stand at Yonkers. Big spoilers if you ever plan to read the book and possibly the movie. Though the movie looks a lot different than the book. Then again, it would be hard to have the book as a movie as the preface tells you how everything turns out in the book. Then it's just a journey getting there.

I recommend reading it. I'd never read a zombie book before it (other than one short story in one of Stephen King's collections), but it's one of my favorite books now. I'd put it up there with Red Storm Rising.

Battle of Yonkers
 
2013-01-02 02:53:47 AM

BronyMedic: And WWZ goes into why explosions were useless in masses of Zombies. All they do is start crawling and limping towards you. Blast trauma means nothing when the only way to kill them is to destroy the brain.


Look...zombies are bullshiat. Trying to make them more "scientific" just makes them look more like bullshiat, like saying that the only thing that makes a body move is a functioning nervous system. In the real world, muscles won't work if they are ripped to shreds no matter how well the nerves are working, so your zombie ain't crawling anywhere. At the very least, he'll be slowed down for more conventional weaponry to pick off.

Face it, zombies are overused MacGuffins which only survive because of Idiot Plots, and they were at one time a metaphor for capitalism, but now they're just a metaphor for their own franchise.

/saw the WWZ trailer tonight
//Interesting visuals, which means it will probably drag out a genre which should have been dead decades ago.
 
2013-01-02 08:11:10 AM

BronyMedic: And WWZ goes into why explosions were useless in masses of Zombies. All they do is start crawling and limping towards you. Blast trauma means nothing when the only way to kill them is to destroy the brain.


I had a problem with this in that book.

A bat to the head can often kill zombies (iirc it worked in that book) the blast from something like that can often be equivalent.

Plus they still need muscles and limbs to move, things that will be missing int he event of a bombing.
 
2013-01-02 06:06:02 PM
Getting reasonably tired of hearing about Navy Seals.

Individual assasination of unsuspecting targets is a great feat, but slogging it out on the ground in Afghanistan deserves a little more appreciation. Spending years driving back and forth making yourself a target for every Tom, Dick and Harry to plant an IED or setup an ambush is how occupations are sustained.
 
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