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(Huffington Post UK)   The 50 Shades Of Grey effect: classic literature to be republished with enhanced sex scenes and audiobook versions to be given 70's funkerific soundtracks   (huffingtonpost.co.uk) divider line 68
    More: Silly, Jane Eyre, Pride and Prejudice, Sherlock Holmes, Arthur Conan Doyle, Dr Watson, sex scenes, Wuthering Heights  
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2477 clicks; posted to Main » on 31 Dec 2012 at 10:45 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-12-31 08:49:06 AM
will gilbert gottfried read them as well?
 
2012-12-31 10:48:03 AM

elvisaintdead: will gilbert gottfried read them as well?


As narrated by Betty White
 
2012-12-31 10:50:11 AM
Audio books don't typically have soundtracks.
 
2012-12-31 10:50:31 AM
now give me some tale tale heart with graphic sex scene up till the point he dismembers someone while farking them in their skill where the pale eye use to be..
 
2012-12-31 10:52:42 AM

Thunderboy: Audio books don't typically have soundtracks.



Bow-chicka-wow-wow!
 
2012-12-31 10:55:23 AM
"mummy porn"

wat
 
2012-12-31 10:56:04 AM
briliiant idea

doh - copyright on Nabokov's Lolita doesn't expire til 2050. stupid copyright law. still...

*off to dig thru Project Gutenberg for good stuff to alter for fun n profit.*
 
2012-12-31 10:59:43 AM

suthrnrunt: now give me some tale tale heart with graphic sex scene up till the point he dismembers someone while farking them in their skill where the pale eye use to be..


Jesus. Think about switching to decaf.
 
2012-12-31 11:00:03 AM
Get the HBO CEO of Boobs right on that.
 
2012-12-31 11:02:01 AM
So we finally get that Rosasharn slahfic?
 
2012-12-31 11:02:10 AM

suthrnrunt: now give me some tale tale heart with graphic sex scene up till the point he dismembers someone while farking them in their skill where the pale eye use to be..


The Cock of Amontillado
The Masque of the Red Wings
The Oval Orifice
AIDS. Found in a Bottle
The Safeword of Doctor Tarr and Professor Fether
 
2012-12-31 11:03:32 AM
That has to be bizarre though. If they leave the author's original content and just insert(ha!) the erotic scenes in where they see fit. You are just reading along to Conan Doyle's Sherlock stories and all of a sudden "He took his tallywhacker in hand..."

/can't imagine Northanger with sex scenes in it.
 
2012-12-31 11:04:47 AM
Pride and Prejudice and Assplay. Do we leave the zombies in?
 
2012-12-31 11:05:40 AM

the801: briliiant idea

doh - copyright on Nabokov's Lolita doesn't expire til 2050. stupid copyright law. still...

*off to dig thru Project Gutenberg for good stuff to alter for fun n profit.*


thanks for answering my unask question. they are doing this to stuff in the public domain, gotcha.

read a few of the examples, man that is some seriously bad porno. and seriously bad writing.
 
2012-12-31 11:06:35 AM
Good, someone is making Northanger Abbey bearable.

/still want those hours of my life back
 
2012-12-31 11:09:53 AM
Did anyone look at the slideshow of bad sex writing? I have never laughed so hard in my life.

/yes I know it's a slideshow, but it was well worth it
 
2012-12-31 11:09:58 AM
'No one hath seen beauty in its highest lustre who hath never seen it in distress. Bow chicka-wow-wow.

In other news, last week I listened to Gilbert Gottfried read his book-on-tape. Gilbert Gottfried is one thing. Gilbert Gottfried making a concerted effort to enunciate is another.
 
2012-12-31 11:10:45 AM
They're going to get these 250 hack writers to do this and it'll fit right in to the novels? WTF?
 
2012-12-31 11:13:05 AM
WTF is it with this SoG fad? Seriously are you people so f*cking sexually primitive and stupid that you act like a pair of teenage boys who snuck dads Hustler out of the house and are making boner jokes about it all while you turn the pages.

All of you on the SoG dick...just STFU for gods sake............


Sh*ttiest literature schtick ever...............
 
2012-12-31 11:13:36 AM
I've always thought that Little Women could benefit from the addition of lots more porn.
 
2012-12-31 11:14:59 AM

QueenMamaBee: Did anyone look at the slideshow of bad sex writing? I have never laughed so hard in my life.

/yes I know it's a slideshow, but it was well worth it


LOL
it looks like they are making sherlock look for the way out of the closet and captain nemo will really be surrounded by seamen
 
2012-12-31 11:15:58 AM
With that, Attractive and Successful Jim slid off his tattered wet pants.

Huck donned a huge smile and licked his lips as he was taught through so many delightful lashings. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "That's bigger than Pap and Tom both put together!"

/it's a big handbasket and i'm taking all of you with me.
 
2012-12-31 11:15:59 AM
I don't get it, this can't be the first erotic book for women. Whats the big deal?

/know nothing about the book except it is supposedly ultra-erotic
//please excuse my ignorance
 
2012-12-31 11:19:04 AM
So the bluehairs decided on another sexual revolution? How fascinating.
 
2012-12-31 11:21:59 AM

weirdneighbour: I don't get it, this can't be the first erotic book for women. Whats the big deal?

/know nothing about the book except it is supposedly ultra-erotic
//please excuse my ignorance


Someone invented sex again. Shhhh
 
2012-12-31 11:24:43 AM
The Tale of Genji was a hot one too.

/oldest school
 
2012-12-31 11:27:01 AM
I bought the entire series for my wife. Niether one of us could make it through the 1st third of the first book before we were like, "pffft... What a flaming pile of crap."

I can oly imagine that most people's sex lives are very boring. Because there was nothing particularly interesting in that book to us.

As a final review, all I can really say is that there is NO STORY whatsoever. It's all about some virgin getting taken advantage of by a sexual devient. Nothing else happensl. I mean, even Twlight had a story to go along with all the sexual angst.
 
2012-12-31 11:29:37 AM
The final nail in the coffin of English literature. Pack it up, everyone. We're done here.
 
2012-12-31 11:33:03 AM

Vlad_the_Inaner: "mummy porn"

wat


www.alicia-logic.com

There you go. Victorian era Mummy / bondage porn.
 
2012-12-31 11:35:07 AM
"Captain Ahab plunged his harpoon into the exposed flank of Moby Dick, harder, and harder, over and over again. "I Stab at thee." he said, through half-closed grey eyes. "From hell's heart." Another plunge of his mighty harpoon. "I stab at thee". "
 
2012-12-31 11:35:36 AM
I can't wait until they start doing this for kids books:

Where The Girls Gone Wild Things Are, by Maurice Sendak and Joe Francis.
Harriet The Voyeur, by Louise Fitzhugh and that creepy guy who looks in your window at night.
The Cumstain Bears, by Jan and Stan Berenstain
One Fish, Two Fish, Red Snapper, Blue Waffle, by Dr. Seuss and some coked-up hooker
 
2012-12-31 11:35:56 AM

LazarusLong42: The final nail in the coffin of English literature. Pack it up, everyone. We're done here.


I don't know about that, it usually takes us 40 years and the author's death to figure out if a book is good or not.
 
2012-12-31 11:37:55 AM
They should have it narrated by Bea Arthur
 
2012-12-31 11:38:41 AM

bugmn99: suthrnrunt: now give me some tale tale heart with graphic sex scene up till the point he dismembers someone while farking them in their skill where the pale eye use to be..

Jesus. Think about switching to decaf.


OOOOO they could redo Frankenstein....
Dr Farkenstein could create Lady MaggotBush instead of the monster and she could be his undead sex slave.... cept she gets loose and starts giving them men around town a crotch rot so they go after her with "big sticks" and all take turn bludgeoning her around the mouth and forehead and chest
 
2012-12-31 11:45:23 AM

suthrnrunt: now give me some tale tale heart with graphic sex scene up till the point he dismembers someone while farking them in their skill where the pale eye use to be..


You do realize that the pale eye is the first literary allusion to anal bleaching.
 
2012-12-31 11:47:31 AM
I love them saying that they're writing these stories in the voice of the original author, when they are talking about Victorian era authors who often kept their language clinical and were very reserved even in non-intimate settings? I honestly don't have a problem with Holmes/Watson slash (had a female friend who found it very peculiar that Watson having more than one faily marriage and having to move back in with Holmes), but ghostwrighting Doyle having Watson describe sex with Holmes?

"I felt the glans of Holmes' member penetrate my sphincter, and began to run short of breath. His lean physique was betrayed by the dimensions of his sex."

Yeah, good luck writing explicitly smutty things in Victorian language.
 
2012-12-31 11:52:25 AM

Grungehamster: I love them saying that they're writing these stories in the voice of the original author, when they are talking about Victorian era authors who often kept their language clinical and were very reserved even in non-intimate settings? I honestly don't have a problem with Holmes/Watson slash (had a female friend who found it very peculiar that Watson having more than one faily marriage and having to move back in with Holmes), but ghostwrighting Doyle having Watson describe sex with Holmes?

"I felt the glans of Holmes' member penetrate my sphincter, and began to run short of breath. His lean physique was betrayed by the dimensions of his sex."

Yeah, good luck writing explicitly smutty things in Victorian language.


Uhm, you are aware of things such as Fanny Hill, and The Pearl, right?
 
2012-12-31 12:01:17 PM

weirdneighbour: I don't get it, this can't be the first erotic book for women. Whats the big deal?

/know nothing about the book except it is supposedly ultra-erotic
//please excuse my ignorance


It's explicit S&M erotica that was originally written as a Twilight fanfic. It's written by a woman for women, and the male lead is the standard rich and powerful mysterious man with a tortured past who slowly teaches this ingénue to be his slave.

The big thing behind its success has been e-books, which has caused an explosion of popularity for erotica and religious books, as it allows people to purchase and read them without people noticing/judging them. It's bad fiction, but it's predictably bad fiction that allows for readers to feel they're taking a walk on the wild side while ultimately reading a plot straight out of any other bodice ripper. Good on the readers if it helps them awaken any sort of repressed desires as far as what they want in the bedroom (anything that helps people have more tolerant views is great), but at the end of the day it's just mainstream porn for women that primarily hits all the same beats every harlequin romance does.
 
2012-12-31 12:14:32 PM
So I guess the Shakespeare's play Titus Andronicus go mainstream?
 
2012-12-31 12:15:44 PM

Kurohone: Grungehamster: I love them saying that they're writing these stories in the voice of the original author, when they are talking about Victorian era authors who often kept their language clinical and were very reserved even in non-intimate settings? I honestly don't have a problem with Holmes/Watson slash (had a female friend who found it very peculiar that Watson having more than one faily marriage and having to move back in with Holmes), but ghostwrighting Doyle having Watson describe sex with Holmes?

"I felt the glans of Holmes' member penetrate my sphincter, and began to run short of breath. His lean physique was betrayed by the dimensions of his sex."

Yeah, good luck writing explicitly smutty things in Victorian language.

Uhm, you are aware of things such as Fanny Hill, and The Pearl, right?


Yes, I should have been more clear. Writing things in Victorian language to appeal to "modern sensibilities" in the voice of those authors is where they fail. There has always been erotica, but attempts to insert explicit sexual content in the works of authors whose voice avoids Romanticism in their prose would suffer from either being very lifeless or would outright conflict with the original language. Anyone would be able to tell which parts of Pride & Prejudice & Zombies were written by Austen and which were written by the other author, because the language used in the action sequences isn't a match for the feeling of the book even when it tries to use the language of the era. Wuthering Heights you might be able to pull off, but Sherlock Holmes is written in the first person perspective of a retired military man who has contacted Doyle to reprint accounts of his roommate's various cases, and I can't visualize him including passionate trysts into that narrative that tries so hard to leave their relationship as secondary to the details of the particular case at hand.
 
2012-12-31 12:20:42 PM

SirGunslinger: So I guess the Shakespeare's play Titus Andronicus go mainstream?


I'm waiting for people to realize there is centuries worth of sexual content available in the English language for them to peruse; Fanny Hill is just the beginning.

"Wait a minute, wait a goddamn second... You're telling me that there's a 400-year old public domain script involving incest and murder called "'Tis Pity She's a Whore", and the intellectual crowd likes it?"
 
2012-12-31 12:28:49 PM
This has been happening for years. Barnes and Noble has dirty versions of "Pride and Predjudice" beside the teen section.

\'with steamy scenes inserted by ______'
 
2012-12-31 12:32:07 PM
Grungehamster

weirdneighbour: I don't get it, this can't be the first erotic book for women. Whats the big deal?

/know nothing about the book except it is supposedly ultra-erotic
//please excuse my ignorance

It's explicit S&M erotica that was originally written as a Twilight fanfic. It's written by a woman for women, and the male lead is the standard rich and powerful mysterious man with a tortured past who slowly teaches this ingénue to be his slave.

The big thing behind its success has been e-books, which has caused an explosion of popularity for erotica and religious books, as it allows people to purchase and read them without people noticing/judging them. It's bad fiction, but it's predictably bad fiction that allows for readers to feel they're taking a walk on the wild side while ultimately reading a plot straight out of any other bodice ripper. Good on the readers if it helps them awaken any sort of repressed desires as far as what they want in the bedroom (anything that helps people have more tolerant views is great), but at the end of the day it's just mainstream porn for women that primarily hits all the same beats every harlequin romance does.


Ah, so it's more context(?) than content. That makes sense now.
 
2012-12-31 12:32:35 PM

Grungehamster: weirdneighbour: I don't get it, this can't be the first erotic book for women. Whats the big deal?

/know nothing about the book except it is supposedly ultra-erotic
//please excuse my ignorance

It's explicit S&M erotica that was originally written as a Twilight fanfic. It's written by a woman for women, and the male lead is the standard rich and powerful mysterious man with a tortured past who slowly teaches this ingénue to be his slave.

The big thing behind its success has been e-books, which has caused an explosion of popularity for erotica and religious books, as it allows people to purchase and read them without people noticing/judging them. It's bad fiction, but it's predictably bad fiction that allows for readers to feel they're taking a walk on the wild side while ultimately reading a plot straight out of any other bodice ripper. Good on the readers if it helps them awaken any sort of repressed desires as far as what they want in the bedroom (anything that helps people have more tolerant views is great), but at the end of the day it's just mainstream porn for women that primarily hits all the same beats every harlequin romance does.


And then there's the shiat Ringshadow writes...
 
2012-12-31 12:39:43 PM

Grungehamster: SirGunslinger: So I guess the Shakespeare's play Titus Andronicus go mainstream?

I'm waiting for people to realize there is centuries worth of sexual content available in the English language for them to peruse; Fanny Hill is just the beginning.

"Wait a minute, wait a goddamn second... You're telling me that there's a 400-year old public domain script involving incest and murder called "'Tis Pity She's a Whore", and the intellectual crowd likes it?"


Wait till they get to the Greek dramas like Odiepus Trilogy and Elektra. Hell, do a porno to various sex scenes of the Bible and make it as accurate as possible?
 
2012-12-31 12:40:20 PM
Wait till you read my re-write of Hamlet!

The big finale is a swordfight with poisoned tips, but a different kind of swordfight.

/IYKWIM.
//AITYD.
 
2012-12-31 12:53:50 PM
"He shot me in the excitement" is lacking from the 50 worst sex scenes .
 
2012-12-31 12:59:01 PM

CheekyMonkey:
The Cumstain Bears, by Jan and Stan Berenstain


My innocent childhood and the one I was trying to pass on to my daughter have just been ruined (inside my brain at least)
Well played.... (shakes tiny fist)
 
2012-12-31 01:16:18 PM
doocci.com
 
2012-12-31 01:29:45 PM
Why do people find it necessary to screw with other peoples work?
Just leave it how it was written/filmed etc.
 
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