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(First Coast News)   Jacksonville police officer files the best report of the year just in the nick of time   (firstcoastnews.com) divider line 45
    More: Florida, Jacksonville Sheriff, Jacksonville, police officers, Jacksonville Sheriff's Office, public information officer, JSO  
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20632 clicks; posted to Main » on 29 Dec 2012 at 1:49 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



45 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2012-12-28 10:57:00 PM
It was a dark and stormy night . . .
 
2012-12-28 11:04:27 PM
50 Shades of Blue
 
2012-12-28 11:46:00 PM
Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll whisper "no."
 
2012-12-28 11:58:51 PM
"I was really drunk that night, I really was,"

Dunno about you guys but I believe him.
 
2012-12-29 12:18:57 AM
 
2012-12-29 01:54:27 AM
fusillade762: "I was really drunk that night, I really was,"

Dunno about you guys but I believe him.

Yeah. He quit drinking for three whole days after the incident!
 
2012-12-29 02:03:15 AM

dv-ous: fusillade762: "I was really drunk that night, I really was,"

Dunno about you guys but I believe him.

Yeah. He quit drinking for three whole days after the incident!


I don't believe the last part.
 
2012-12-29 02:03:21 AM
As I was leaving, I could once again in the background hear the melodic vocals of the Dire Straits tune, only slightly subdued by the overpowering bellows of an intoxicated Mr. Johnson's, "Money for Nothing."

He really knows how to elevate a drunk hick's shenanigans. I would read this aspiring author's future novella.
 
2012-12-29 02:04:01 AM
This part cracked me up..."and then
rushed inside of the Manufactured Home"...
Aren't all homes manufactured? Or do some just magically appear? :)
 
2012-12-29 02:05:41 AM

Maestro's Girl: This part cracked me up..."and then
rushed inside of the Manufactured Home"...
Aren't all homes manufactured? Or do some just magically appear? :)


well...prefab or mobile or modular....take your pick.

Prefab homes can be in the million dollar range.
 
2012-12-29 02:09:16 AM
You're a cop, not a writer for Saturday Night Live.
 
2012-12-29 02:09:27 AM

Maestro's Girl: This part cracked me up..."and then
rushed inside of the Manufactured Home"...
Aren't all homes manufactured? Or do some just magically appear? :)


Most are constructed.
 
2012-12-29 02:09:34 AM
I don't mind a cop enjoying his work with a keyboard over, say, a truncheon.

Penis mightier.
 
2012-12-29 02:11:06 AM
When you _live_ in Florida, this really is just like any other Thursday.
 
2012-12-29 02:11:30 AM
Unalaska Police Blotter is better.
 
2012-12-29 02:12:29 AM

Fat-D: Maestro's Girl: This part cracked me up..."and then
rushed inside of the Manufactured Home"...
Aren't all homes manufactured? Or do some just magically appear? :)

well...prefab or mobile or modular....take your pick.

Prefab homes can be in the million dollar range.


Fark! :( I was hoping for a magcial home.
/illusion shattered
 
2012-12-29 02:13:01 AM

BarkingUnicorn: 50 Shades of Blue



Funny'd :3
 
2012-12-29 02:17:06 AM
Manufactured housing (commonly known as mobile homes in the United States) is a type of prefabricated housing that is largely assembled in factories and then transported to sites of use. The definition of the term in the United States is regulated by federal law (Code of Federal Regulations, 24 CFR 3280): "Manufactured homes are built as dwelling units of at least 320 square feet (30 m2) in size with a permanent chassis to assure the initial and continued transportability of the home."[1] The requirement to have a wheeled chassis permanently attached differentiates "manufactured housing" from other types of prefabricated homes, such as modular homes.
 
2012-12-29 02:31:09 AM
This thread needs....

Money For Nothing
 
2012-12-29 02:33:05 AM
That was floridly unreadable.

You're not getting paid by the syllable, dude.
 
2012-12-29 02:36:25 AM
Heh, glad to see a man taking some joy in the most mundane aspects of his work.
 
2012-12-29 02:37:28 AM
Why would anyone stop drinking for three full days? Dazes , Daisies. Uh nevermind.
 
2012-12-29 02:40:46 AM

Maestro's Girl: This part cracked me up..."and then
rushed inside of the Manufactured Home"...
Aren't all homes manufactured? Or do some just magically appear? :)


Homes in general are hand built on-site, a Manufactured Home is built in a factory and relocated.
 
2012-12-29 02:48:51 AM
I laughed out loud at some of it. Well done, sir.
 
2012-12-29 02:50:48 AM

Chinchillazilla: I laughed out loud at some of it. Well done, sir.


I did as well, nice to see a good sense of humor 'On the Job'.
 
2012-12-29 02:55:46 AM

gadian: Heh, glad to see a man taking some joy in the most mundane aspects of his work.


Lord above, if you don't laugh sometimes, you'll end up crying!
 
2012-12-29 03:26:44 AM
Shenanigans
 
2012-12-29 04:13:15 AM

Lenny_da_Hog: Unalaska Police Blotter is better.


Oh gods, you are so right. Now I'm hooked.

13 November, Tuesday
0125 - Suspicious Person/Activity - An amorous bloke who in a misguided attempt to attract a mate placed his genitals on full, flapping display in the roadway instead caught the attention of a passing police officer. The luckless lad was allowed to leave without charges since the intended victim couldn't be offended by what she couldn't see
 
2012-12-29 04:18:22 AM

skinink: You're a cop, not a writer for Saturday Night Live.


You write, he's better.
 
2012-12-29 04:18:27 AM

red5ish: Manufactured housing (commonly known as mobile homes in the United States) is a type of prefabricated housing that is largely assembled in factories and then transported to sites of use. The definition of the term in the United States is regulated by federal law (Code of Federal Regulations, 24 CFR 3280): "Manufactured homes are built as dwelling units of at least 320 square feet (30 m2) in size with a permanent chassis to assure the initial and continued transportability of the home."[1] The requirement to have a wheeled chassis permanently attached differentiates "manufactured housing" from other types of prefabricated homes, such as modular homes.


farm9.staticflickr.com

This message brought to you by the letter N, Mexico, and Baby's First sensual oil..
 
2012-12-29 04:25:10 AM
Arcata Eye Police Log

http://www.arcataeye.com/category/police-log/
 
2012-12-29 04:51:18 AM

calbert: Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll whisper "no."


www.thetimes.co.uk
 
2012-12-29 05:30:50 AM
The cop that biatched because he was fired for using Ebonics should take note.
 
2012-12-29 07:04:49 AM
Down here in a recent report, the officer wrote the arrestee is a "sioux chef."
 
2012-12-29 08:49:24 AM
the next time i'm down florida way i think i'll try to get arrested by this guy. just to read the report.
 
2012-12-29 09:37:37 AM

Keys dude: Down here in a recent report, the officer wrote the arrestee is a "sioux chef."


That could go either way. So which was it?
 
2012-12-29 10:06:14 AM
I hate alliteration.
 
2012-12-29 10:12:05 AM
www.odt.co.nz
 
2012-12-29 10:19:09 AM
"The night was moist..."
 
2012-12-29 10:41:58 AM
Not bad. Once read the police report of a person for having sex in public. She met the guy earlier in the evening and they left the bar in her Mazda Miata to have sex . . . with the top down. Anyway, the police reports states that the officer saw the car parked in an empty lot, well past midnight, and "fearing for the moral fiber of young America" (never forgot that line) he went to investigate. He saw "suspect 1 bouncing violently in the lap of suspect 2 with suspect 2's lips affixed to the exposed breast of suspect 1." Anyway, they were both arrested. She had to have her boyfriend come bail her out. End csb.

/it wasn't me (suspect 2 or the boyfriend)
//it wasn't my girlfriend
 
2012-12-29 12:46:19 PM

Notabunny: fta "After being repudiated, the puzzled paramedics packed up the paraphernalia ... and proceeded to part ways with the patient."


A thing of beauty ...
 
2012-12-29 05:40:19 PM
I think the officer reads Fark just for the Will Greenlee articles. He was probably the submitter too.

/ all I wanted for X-mas was a Out The Subby Button.
// Once again Santa has failed me.
/// Maybe I have to ask Cupid or the Easter Bunny.
 
2012-12-29 06:13:11 PM

SirTanon: "The night was moist..."


Gah!

Report is is just stunning. 'A' for effort.
 
2012-12-29 11:32:25 PM
I hate it when people who almost know the language think they know the language.

img.youtube.com
 
2012-12-31 09:59:58 AM
Warning: If you read the actual report, there's a fairly gruesome injury description in there. But here's a link straight to the goods: Link (PDF)

Oh yeah, and whoever mentioned the Unalaska blotter upthread, that is pure gold. Quick background - Unalaska is a fishing port out in the Aleutians and is mostly populated by drunken sailors who are not natives of Alaska or even sometimes the U.S. They all get paid pretty well from the fishing fleets and most of their living expenses are paid for by the company, plus it's Alaska, so they all get trashed regularly and have amusing adventures. These events sometimes require police intervention, who generally police the whole town with a somewhat tolerant, amused eye, like campus police at a party school. A ton of the calls are tossing people out of places - giving trespassing warnings and the like when somebody's been 86'd from the bar or fired and kicked out of the bunkhouse.
 
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