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(Curbed)   The most gloriously hideous real estate listings of 2012, including our grand prize winner from Sulphur, Louisiana. And that's quite a prize in a field with entrants from LA, Miami Beach--and the faux chateau island retreat designed by Celine Dion   (curbed.com ) divider line
    More: Scary, Los Angeles, chateau, private island, prizes  
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32113 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Dec 2012 at 8:25 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Smartest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2012-12-27 06:20:30 PM  
3 votes:

Elzar: Jesus - who are their realtors? Why are half of the shots done in surrealist HDR? They do want to sell these piles of shiat I presume... so why the amateur hour photos?


You're right, but depressingly most of these pictures are pretty good compared to the majority of listings. It's incredible how many listings - even million-dollar homes - were obviously shot with somebody's iPhone. And when they *do* hire someone, it's usually some friend of the realtors', a bored housewife with a DSLR, a copy of Photoshop, and absolutely no idea how to use light or stage a room.  And especially no concept of when to stop with the saturation.

(If I sound bitter it's because my wife actually does real-estate photography, and it's tough for her to get jobs.)
2012-12-27 05:48:07 PM  
3 votes:

Elzar: Jesus - who are their realtors? Why are half of the shots done in surrealist HDR? They do want to sell these piles of shiat I presume... so why the amateur hour photos?


No one wants to pay for professional photography. Just like Graphic Designers, Photographers are now victims of the digital age-it's easy to shoo and put on the Internet or provide to a printer.  People haven't realized that a tool is only as good as it's user.
2012-12-27 09:41:30 PM  
2 votes:
THIS is EXACTLY why TAXES need to be RAISED on the RICH... and significantly!

IF and WHEN they spend their money they cannot be trusted with their decisions!
2012-12-27 09:25:37 PM  
2 votes:

ProfessorOhki: Skirl Hutsenreiter: I do landscape photography as a hobby. Recently I met a kid who'd made a solid start in real estate photography by virtue of having a little UAV. He asked for advice, so after a look at some listings I mentioned lighting at different times of day and filters to make them pop - it was all totally new to him. But the realtors are clueless.

Pretty sure commercial UAS flight isn't allowed by the FAA so my advice would be to not get caught.



There's a hobby ceiling. You can go up to 500ft or something like that.

www.blogcdn.com
2012-12-27 09:19:30 PM  
2 votes:
Goes to show ya -- trophy wives have no sense of style.
2012-12-27 07:35:59 PM  
2 votes:

fusillade762: This one looks like a child's playroom. If your child drank a lot, that is.


In other words, the perfect place for Farkers to hang out
2012-12-27 04:40:53 PM  
2 votes:
I can excuse Houston in that it looks like it hasn't been updated since the 1970s - yes, metallic wallpaper was hot in the 70s.  I had a friend whose home was unchanged like that after his mother died.

The rest seem to be people who didn't get that the director's choice of decor in "Scarface" wasn't meant to be complimentary.
2012-12-28 02:54:40 AM  
1 vote:

Aidan: Tellingthem: I love Victorian homes. I'm looking at this job in a small town in Michigan. You can get Victorian mansions for 400K

Umm. Manistee is on the west side of the state. Two words, man: Lake. Effect.

I've seen amazing homes in SE Michigan that need a lot more work (if finished homes are your thing, good on ya), but also have a lot more land.


Born and raised in a small town by GR so I'm pretty familiar with the weather. Yeah I know there are tons of them in the metro Detroit area. I've just never been a big fan of out there. As I'm getting older the small town country-ish lifestyle is coming back to me.

saturn badger: Tellingthem: Haha I wish it paid that much. No i just really love old Victorian homes. And am constantly amazed at how much different housing prices are around the country. You really do pay for the weather out here,

I have a friend who lives in a over 100 year old victorian home. Nice place but the upkeep can get be a hit on the pocket book so you have to factor that in. Also things like water. Waiting for hot water for a shower on the upper level adds up when it takes ten minutes for the pipes to heat up enough to make it comfortable.

Repaint if you don't do it yourself? 5k or more.

So there are hidden costs but if you really want one you will get one.

I do love his house. Lots of rooms and high ceilings. Original glass with the bubbles. It is a nice pad.


Oh god yeah the heating bills alone can be astronomical. But i do like working on houses. For me updating (furnace, electrical, etc.) and restoring (paint, trim, etc) a home would be ideal. With a more regular sized house and not a mansion it's actually not that expensive. And after seeing what kind of garbage homes they are building out here, i don't think I would want any of the newer houses and the problems would end up being even worse.
2012-12-28 02:15:34 AM  
1 vote:

saturn badger: Tellingthem: Haha I wish it paid that much. No i just really love old Victorian homes. And am constantly amazed at how much different housing prices are around the country. You really do pay for the weather out here,

I have a friend who lives in a over 100 year old victorian home. Nice place but the upkeep can get be a hit on the pocket book so you have to factor that in. Also things like water. Waiting for hot water for a shower on the upper level adds up when it takes ten minutes for the pipes to heat up enough to make it comfortable.

Repaint if you don't do it yourself? 5k or more.

So there are hidden costs but if you really want one you will get one.

I do love his house. Lots of rooms and high ceilings. Original glass with the bubbles. It is a nice pad.


Sounds nice. Probably still better built than anything from the '70s on.

/glad I purchased a home from the 50s. Solid as a rock, brick, wet plaster.
2012-12-28 02:13:12 AM  
1 vote:

Tellingthem: Haha I wish it paid that much. No i just really love old Victorian homes. And am constantly amazed at how much different housing prices are around the country. You really do pay for the weather out here,


I have a friend who lives in a over 100 year old victorian home. Nice place but the upkeep can get be a hit on the pocket book so you have to factor that in. Also things like water. Waiting for hot water for a shower on the upper level adds up when it takes ten minutes for the pipes to heat up enough to make it comfortable.

Repaint if you don't do it yourself? 5k or more.

So there are hidden costs but if you really want one you will get one.

I do love his house. Lots of rooms and high ceilings. Original glass with the bubbles. It is a nice pad.
2012-12-28 02:00:44 AM  
1 vote:

Isildur: is there a shiny torso hovering over those cribs? Wh-why is there a shiny torso hovering over those cribs? Make it go away.

So very confused...


It looks like a casting taken of pregnant mommy's front, but instead of painting it a neutral tone it's been given a metallic car paint. Ick.
2012-12-28 02:00:34 AM  
1 vote:
I've seen some ugly "old money" homes on Palm Beach, but these take the cake.
2012-12-28 01:41:04 AM  
1 vote:

Tellingthem: saturn badger: Tellingthem: I love Victorian homes. I'm looking at this job in a small town in Michigan. You can get Victorian mansions for 400K

Depends on the cost of living. If the new job qualifies you for a loan in a small town for a house like that more power to ya.

Good luck!

Haha I wish it paid that much. No i just really love old Victorian homes. And am constantly amazed at how much different housing prices are around the country. You really do pay for the weather out here,


I am more impressed with the low cost of waterfront in michigan. I mean, I know there is a lot of it, but I have two docks in my backyard (only one boat though :( )
2012-12-28 01:23:31 AM  
1 vote:

saturn badger: Tellingthem: I love Victorian homes. I'm looking at this job in a small town in Michigan. You can get Victorian mansions for 400K

Depends on the cost of living. If the new job qualifies you for a loan in a small town for a house like that more power to ya.

Good luck!


Haha I wish it paid that much. No i just really love old Victorian homes. And am constantly amazed at how much different housing prices are around the country. You really do pay for the weather out here,
2012-12-28 01:16:52 AM  
1 vote:
The Houston one didn't look hideous, just imitation. And not bad. I wouldn't be ashamed to live there.

Well, in a house LIKE that, in somewhere that isn't Houston.
2012-12-28 12:32:20 AM  
1 vote:

pciszek: buntz: I actually didn't think the Celine Dion one was bad at all! I mean, a little more 'oppulent' than my tastes, but I didn't think it was ugly.

Yeah, I go more for the late fifties-early sixties look myself, but I didn't see what was wrong with that one if you like something more old fashioned. OK, the stone dining room was a little over the top, but other than that.


Not my style, but actually pretty well done. It at least has an overall feel to it, unlike so many of the others. Most of them a, "this is nice, and this is nice, and this is nice, so if we put all three together in the same room, it'll be three times as nice" feel. Eclecticism is one thing, those are just bad taste enabled by new money.

The one that made me choke was the '"impeccably detailed" architectural marvel in Mukilteo, Wash'. One quick trip through the slideshow and I saw: crooked/wane/warped deck boards; interior beams that were exposed to the rain for so long that they weathered along the bottoms; water stains on the interior window casings; water stains on the T&G ceilings; delaminating siding; bubbles in the paint from water intrusion; and arbor capitals starting to rot. In a house like that, who in his right mind uses 2 1/4 clamshell casings and picture-molds the windows? That's a 1960 tract home detail.

That home is so well detailed that the next owners will probably have to spend tens of thousands of dollars to stop the water from coming in.
2012-12-27 11:30:39 PM  
1 vote:

Evil Canadian: What I find wild is how cheap real estate is in some locations. Houston for under $500K? In Toronto, you would need to add a hundred K or two to buy a detached house in my old area. It's a decent area, but not horridly expensive for Toronto. Under 1 million for that mess in Indy? Good lord, you couldn't get anything near that size for that price.

That people have horrible taste and stage things terribly is no shock at all - the prices for some IS!

/We sold our 850 sq ft house (3 stories, 2 bedrooms) for 300K over a year ago - and it was a dump. Not even a pretense at decoration.


One thing we have in Texas is room. Our house is a builder house in an average subdivision near Houston, 3100sq ft on 0.22 of an acre (I think). It's only $250k. We have a hunting ranch in the Hill Country, only 215+ acres, $80k. One of the nicer things about the state is the real estate values....
2012-12-27 11:27:47 PM  
1 vote:

Ima4nic8or: Most of them look quite nice. The purple monster is not to my taste but I would probably take it over my own house.


If it were some color other than purple--or at least in addition to purple, you know, different colors for different rooms--I could actually enjoy that sort of tacky. It has its own theater! You could do movie nights!
2012-12-27 11:26:57 PM  
1 vote:
Maybe I've been living in cheap digs for too long, but all these homes look nauseating. Could you really prepare a simple grilled sausage for one person in a kitchen that could feed hundreds? And looks like the final scenes in 2001? Ugh.
2012-12-27 10:52:10 PM  
1 vote:

CmndrFish: Should I be shamed for actually liking the Olympia, WA one?

Sure, it's disgustingly lavish, but they picked an interesting theme and executed it pretty well.


I live in the area, and based on the address, it's on the tip of a long point, overlooking the islands of south Puget Sound. If nothing else, the view out the windows must be pretty spectacular.
2012-12-27 10:36:20 PM  
1 vote:
Darth_LukecashPeople haven't realized that a tool is only as good as it's user.

Like the apostrophe.
2012-12-27 10:05:21 PM  
1 vote:
Having done some work there, I can tell you that many of the houses in destin are similar to the one shown.

Rednecks with money almost always results in poor decisions. Look at the guy who bought the Browns.
2012-12-27 09:35:40 PM  
1 vote:

Skirl Hutsenreiter: Anyways, if I photographed the most beautiful valley in the world the way most realtors do houses you'd go "meh, looks okay".


thats because realtors, who stand to make thousands on a sale, would rather use their cell phone than hire a real photographer for a few hundred dollars. But then again, you cant expect much forethought for someone with a GED and a certificate from a weekend-long agent course.
2012-12-27 09:18:51 PM  
1 vote:
img685.imageshack.us
img826.imageshack.us
This is a lovely room of death.
2012-12-27 09:05:18 PM  
1 vote:

Ima4nic8or: Most of them look quite nice.


Let's go down the list, shall we?
Lead picture (unidentified) looks like a Guido casino.
You'll probably find frozen corpses next to the South African frozen half losbster tails in the freezer.
And nothing says Tacky Shiat like South African frozen half losbster tails in the freezer.
OK?
#2, the Miami Beach, $35M, is a pretentious, piece of shait that would be used in the "Layer Cake" as a country club, Fortunately, the producers of that movie knew what a budget was.
Chateau d'Or, Los Angeles, $25M comes in next, looking like a Dago whore house designed by Scarface.
#3: Destin, Fla., $2.295M. Don't get me started on the cheesy attempt at upholstery or the fact that the fireplace doesn't even have a wood box or wood rack near it. I'm not even clicking on the time wasting little jpegs here. No need to waste my life when people who have more money than they have taste buy crap like this. And time, is, money.
Fort Lauderdale, Fla. comes in at #4 as Scarface's second home. The one he reserved for his Shiksa whore mistress. Piece of crap should be used as a hotel for people who want to treat the mistress to a "Romantic" get away while the wife thinks he's out on a "business trip"
Bleah.
Carmel, Ind., $5.5M is boozer Barbie, covered that one already.
#6: Oh, great. I got loaded and won big at the craps table and told the cabbie to I-Phone the nicest place in town and put me up. Slipped him a C-Note, and woke up...
UNDERWATER! GAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhh.
Who puked the wallpaper?
Trompe-l'œil, my ass. It's like waking up in a farking fish bowl!!!
/better be a long assed snorkel under my pillow.

Still with me here?
Houson,(sic) Texas, $499K, logs in at #7, looking like everyone who ever married a Bush left a snail trail on the toilet seat and every one who was a Bush peed in the shower.
#8: Brooklyn, N.Y., $14M. I can't imagine having money and wanting to live in farking Brooklyn, but I like this one. I like it for a BDSM porno shoot.
#9 is Indianapolis, Ind., $980K. Miss Indiana apparently married and old geezer who thought she needed a cheesy palace to go with her cheesy tiara. Christ on crutches, How about a security system for the garage? Don't leave the Bentley out in the Indiana winter with a 40' Roof over it.
#10: *clears throat* Sulphur, La., $5.2M. O.K, Now. Liberace just called from beyond th grave to say, "Too Gay". This will be reposted on a famous Star Trek actor's timeline on Facebook in a few days, I'm sure.

And now that I' at the end of the list, it's apparent that despite the mispellings, the author of the article has no idea how to write, because all the descriptions are below the titles.

Fark it all and you have no taste.

I say good day, Madman.
GOOD DAY!
2012-12-27 08:58:11 PM  
1 vote:

BadReligion: That huge mansion in Houston is only $499,000.00? Seems like a bargain unless there are very serious issues.


The only very serious issue I can think of is that you're living in Houston.
2012-12-27 08:47:00 PM  
1 vote:
At first glance none of them look that bad. If you can afford any of these I doubt you'd care what "common folks" say about it.
2012-12-27 08:46:03 PM  
1 vote:
I have no taste. Those all looked cool.
2012-12-27 08:45:42 PM  
1 vote:
cdn.cstatic.net

It's creepy and it's kookie,
Mysterious and spooky,
All together ookie,
It's Celine Dion's house.

*snap* *snap*
2012-12-27 08:42:20 PM  
1 vote:
Sure it's ugly, but it has the Emperor's window from the Death Star. How can that be bad?

cdn.cstatic.net
2012-12-27 08:41:58 PM  
1 vote:
I actually didn't think the Celine Dion one was bad at all! I mean, a little more 'oppulent' than my tastes, but I didn't think it was ugly.

And to be honest, I loved the stone castley "dining room"
2012-12-27 08:36:49 PM  
1 vote:

mr intrepid: Money can't buy happiness. Nor taste, it would seem.


50% of my family and friends are millionaires, and the other 50% are impoverished.
It's true.

It can't but you mental health, either.
Sadly.
2012-12-27 08:36:11 PM  
1 vote:

WhyteRaven74: fusillade762: This one looks like a child's playroom. If your child drank a lot, that is.

In other words, the perfect place for Farkers to hang out


Meh. It's missing a ball pit.
2012-12-27 08:36:09 PM  
1 vote:
proof positive: some peoples taste is all in their mouth.
2012-12-27 08:35:19 PM  
1 vote:
Money can't buy happiness. Nor taste, it would seem.
2012-12-27 08:32:45 PM  
1 vote:

WhyteRaven74: fusillade762: This one looks like a child's playroom. If your child drank a lot, that is.

In other words, the perfect place for Farkers to hang out


Compared to all the other "make my house look like a set from a Victorian period piece" houses listed, that one is great. No chandeliers or grand piano, just good straight up, "you know what? I want a bar that looks like a space station as envisioned in the 1950s and I can."

The mirror on the ceiling over the bed the other hand.... c'mon now, that's just tacky.
2012-12-27 05:40:52 PM  
1 vote:
Jesus - who are their realtors? Why are half of the shots done in surrealist HDR? They do want to sell these piles of shiat I presume... so why the amateur hour photos?
2012-12-27 05:24:11 PM  
1 vote:
The shot of just the staircase in the Brooklyn one is really pretty--until you realize there's an entire floor's worth of marble, etched glass, and upholstered junk you have to pass before you even get to it.
 
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