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(Curbed)   The most gloriously hideous real estate listings of 2012, including our grand prize winner from Sulphur, Louisiana. And that's quite a prize in a field with entrants from LA, Miami Beach--and the faux chateau island retreat designed by Celine Dion   (curbed.com) divider line 166
    More: Scary, Los Angeles, chateau, private island, prizes  
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32084 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Dec 2012 at 8:25 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-12-27 04:40:53 PM  
I can excuse Houston in that it looks like it hasn't been updated since the 1970s - yes, metallic wallpaper was hot in the 70s.  I had a friend whose home was unchanged like that after his mother died.

The rest seem to be people who didn't get that the director's choice of decor in "Scarface" wasn't meant to be complimentary.
 
2012-12-27 04:43:15 PM  
I guess if you have to live in Sulphur, may as well go for it. I didn't the respirator rack, must be quite nice.
 
2012-12-27 04:57:48 PM  

simplicimus: I guess if you have to live in Sulphur, may as well go for it. I didn't the respirator rack, must be quite nice.


The whole Lake Charles area of Louisiana is actually really nice.
 
2012-12-27 05:01:16 PM  

downstairs: simplicimus: I guess if you have to live in Sulphur, may as well go for it. I didn't the respirator rack, must be quite nice.

The whole Lake Charles area of Louisiana is actually really nice.


Oh, I know. And the air seems a lot cleaner than it used to be.
 
2012-12-27 05:24:11 PM  
The shot of just the staircase in the Brooklyn one is really pretty--until you realize there's an entire floor's worth of marble, etched glass, and upholstered junk you have to pass before you even get to it.
 
2012-12-27 05:40:52 PM  
Jesus - who are their realtors? Why are half of the shots done in surrealist HDR? They do want to sell these piles of shiat I presume... so why the amateur hour photos?
 
2012-12-27 05:48:07 PM  

Elzar: Jesus - who are their realtors? Why are half of the shots done in surrealist HDR? They do want to sell these piles of shiat I presume... so why the amateur hour photos?


No one wants to pay for professional photography. Just like Graphic Designers, Photographers are now victims of the digital age-it's easy to shoo and put on the Internet or provide to a printer.  People haven't realized that a tool is only as good as it's user.
 
2012-12-27 06:20:30 PM  

Elzar: Jesus - who are their realtors? Why are half of the shots done in surrealist HDR? They do want to sell these piles of shiat I presume... so why the amateur hour photos?


You're right, but depressingly most of these pictures are pretty good compared to the majority of listings. It's incredible how many listings - even million-dollar homes - were obviously shot with somebody's iPhone. And when they *do* hire someone, it's usually some friend of the realtors', a bored housewife with a DSLR, a copy of Photoshop, and absolutely no idea how to use light or stage a room.  And especially no concept of when to stop with the saturation.

(If I sound bitter it's because my wife actually does real-estate photography, and it's tough for her to get jobs.)
 
2012-12-27 06:22:10 PM  
Aaaahahahaha!  The glass monstrosity in Mukilteo made the list.
 
2012-12-27 06:23:25 PM  
cdn.cstatic.net

This one looks like a child's playroom. If your child drank a lot, that is.
 
2012-12-27 07:35:59 PM  

fusillade762: This one looks like a child's playroom. If your child drank a lot, that is.


In other words, the perfect place for Farkers to hang out
 
2012-12-27 08:32:45 PM  

WhyteRaven74: fusillade762: This one looks like a child's playroom. If your child drank a lot, that is.

In other words, the perfect place for Farkers to hang out


Compared to all the other "make my house look like a set from a Victorian period piece" houses listed, that one is great. No chandeliers or grand piano, just good straight up, "you know what? I want a bar that looks like a space station as envisioned in the 1950s and I can."

The mirror on the ceiling over the bed the other hand.... c'mon now, that's just tacky.
 
2012-12-27 08:35:19 PM  
Money can't buy happiness. Nor taste, it would seem.
 
2012-12-27 08:35:50 PM  
In 2003, you could've bought this for $1.4m in Red Lodge, Montana:

3.bp.blogspot.com

Does it look familiar at all?

It's where Teddy Roosevelt lived during his "Montana Days", when he would talk about plotting the boundaries that would become the first "open-access preserve" (The Beartooth Mountains), and Yellowstone Park's expansion.

It's symbol of a moose is used in reference to Roosevelt.
 
2012-12-27 08:35:51 PM  
Chateau D'or was very ornate. It looked like a Titanic set. Woudl visit any of these houses. The glass one in mukilteo is probably really expensive to heat.
 
2012-12-27 08:35:57 PM  
Should I be shamed for actually liking the Olympia, WA one?

Sure, it's disgustingly lavish, but they picked an interesting theme and executed it pretty well.
 
2012-12-27 08:36:09 PM  
proof positive: some peoples taste is all in their mouth.
 
2012-12-27 08:36:11 PM  

WhyteRaven74: fusillade762: This one looks like a child's playroom. If your child drank a lot, that is.

In other words, the perfect place for Farkers to hang out


Meh. It's missing a ball pit.
 
2012-12-27 08:36:43 PM  
That one in Brooklyn is just... wtf?
 
2012-12-27 08:36:49 PM  

mr intrepid: Money can't buy happiness. Nor taste, it would seem.


50% of my family and friends are millionaires, and the other 50% are impoverished.
It's true.

It can't but you mental health, either.
Sadly.
 
2012-12-27 08:37:41 PM  

fusillade762: [cdn.cstatic.net image 500x333]

This one looks like a child's playroom. If your child drank a lot, that is.


The Boozer Barbie playset.
I always wanted one.
 
2012-12-27 08:37:58 PM  

Jedekai: In 2003, you could've bought this for $1.4m in Red Lodge, Montana:

[3.bp.blogspot.com image 640x480]

Does it look familiar at all?

It's where Teddy Roosevelt lived during his "Montana Days", when he would talk about plotting the boundaries that would become the first "open-access preserve" (The Beartooth Mountains), and Yellowstone Park's expansion.

It's symbol of a moose is used in reference to Roosevelt.


The Pollard's an amazing little hotel.
 
2012-12-27 08:38:39 PM  
Most of them look quite nice. The purple monster is not to my taste but I would probably take it over my own house.
 
2012-12-27 08:41:13 PM  
Oh, these are beyond awesome.
 
2012-12-27 08:41:21 PM  
Swamplot.com does "bad listing photos" almost every day and some of them are pretty hysterical:

swamplot.com

swamplot.com

Just as a few examples...
 
2012-12-27 08:41:58 PM  
I actually didn't think the Celine Dion one was bad at all! I mean, a little more 'oppulent' than my tastes, but I didn't think it was ugly.

And to be honest, I loved the stone castley "dining room"
 
2012-12-27 08:42:08 PM  
The Mukilteo, Wash one (the first set of pics) is kinda cool. I wouldn't pay $1.89M for it, but I'd live in it, sure, and enjoy it, too.
 
2012-12-27 08:42:20 PM  
Sure it's ugly, but it has the Emperor's window from the Death Star. How can that be bad?

cdn.cstatic.net
 
2012-12-27 08:42:42 PM  

CmndrFish: Should I be shamed for actually liking the Olympia, WA one?

Sure, it's disgustingly lavish, but they picked an interesting theme and executed it pretty well.


I like that some people want a completely out of date style in their home and have the money to do it. The biggest issue with that Olympia one is that horrible face painting that dominates the room. Otherwise, I think some of these are pretty and pretty interesting. That 70s one was pretty hysterical, like if some 70s swinger suddenly came into money and wanted to make the most MODERN house ever!
 
2012-12-27 08:44:50 PM  
That huge mansion in Houston is only $499,000.00? Seems like a bargain unless there are very serious issues.
 
2012-12-27 08:45:08 PM  
The Sulphur house's crenellations would be ideal for sniping from. Of course, that's what they're for.
 
2012-12-27 08:45:42 PM  
cdn.cstatic.net

It's creepy and it's kookie,
Mysterious and spooky,
All together ookie,
It's Celine Dion's house.

*snap* *snap*
 
2012-12-27 08:45:56 PM  

BadReligion: That huge mansion in Houston is only $499,000.00? Seems like a bargain unless there are very serious issues.


Nah, that's just Houston prices. I think it is outside of the loop, that knocks off like 200k from the price right there.
 
2012-12-27 08:46:03 PM  
I have no taste. Those all looked cool.
 
2012-12-27 08:46:17 PM  

Osomatic: Elzar: Jesus - who are their realtors? Why are half of the shots done in surrealist HDR? They do want to sell these piles of shiat I presume... so why the amateur hour photos?

You're right, but depressingly most of these pictures are pretty good compared to the majority of listings. It's incredible how many listings - even million-dollar homes - were obviously shot with somebody's iPhone. And when they *do* hire someone, it's usually some friend of the realtors', a bored housewife with a DSLR, a copy of Photoshop, and absolutely no idea how to use light or stage a room.  And especially no concept of when to stop with the saturation.

(If I sound bitter it's because my wife actually does real-estate photography, and it's tough for her to get jobs.)


I do landscape photography as a hobby. Recently I met a kid who'd made a solid start in real estate photography by virtue of having a little UAV. He asked for advice, so after a look at some listings I mentioned lighting at different times of day and filters to make them pop - it was all totally new to him. But the realtors are clueless.

I see the worst pictures on listings. I like my realtor a lot, but still, one look at the shots he took with his pocket camera and I went ahead and sent my own set to him. You'd think pictures that at least make the rooms look as big as possible would justify the price of a good camera and lens combo.
 
2012-12-27 08:47:00 PM  
At first glance none of them look that bad. If you can afford any of these I doubt you'd care what "common folks" say about it.
 
2012-12-27 08:47:12 PM  
The movie basement is completely awesome.
 
2012-12-27 08:51:45 PM  
I recently bought a home. I picked location, price range, rooms and bathrooms etc. Then I made my realtor show me everything in that range.

Who wouldn't still see a home simply because of shiatty, obviously shiatty no less, pics?
 
2012-12-27 08:52:47 PM  
buntz:
I actually didn't think the Celine Dion one was bad at all! I mean, a little more 'oppulent' than my tastes, but I didn't think it was ugly.

And to be honest, I loved the stone castley "dining room"


That''s probably her version of "subdued".

/Celine Dion, while she's a cheesy singer with terrible aesthetic sense, is not, I think, a bad person, and I have a hard time speaking ill of her.
 
2012-12-27 08:52:58 PM  
ew, yuck. a curbed article.
 
2012-12-27 08:53:24 PM  
Anyways, if I photographed the most beautiful valley in the world the way most realtors do houses you'd go "meh, looks okay".
 
2012-12-27 08:53:26 PM  
I'm pretty sure I've seen pornos shot at most of these locations.
 
2012-12-27 08:54:48 PM  

ProfessorOhki: WhyteRaven74: fusillade762: This one looks like a child's playroom. If your child drank a lot, that is.

In other words, the perfect place for Farkers to hang out

Compared to all the other "make my house look like a set from a Victorian period piece" houses listed, that one is great. No chandeliers or grand piano, just good straight up, "you know what? I want a bar that looks like a space station as envisioned in the 1950s and I can."

The mirror on the ceiling over the bed the other hand.... c'mon now, that's just tacky.


Still? Damn, might want to windex that thing before the open house.
 
2012-12-27 08:56:10 PM  

Skirl Hutsenreiter: I do landscape photography as a hobby. Recently I met a kid who'd made a solid start in real estate photography by virtue of having a little UAV. He asked for advice, so after a look at some listings I mentioned lighting at different times of day and filters to make them pop - it was all totally new to him. But the realtors are clueless.


Pretty sure commercial UAS flight isn't allowed by the FAA so my advice would be to not get caught.
 
2012-12-27 08:56:40 PM  

ProfessorOhki: WhyteRaven74: fusillade762: This one looks like a child's playroom. If your child drank a lot, that is.

In other words, the perfect place for Farkers to hang out

Compared to all the other "make my house look like a set from a Victorian period piece" houses listed, that one is great. No chandeliers or grand piano, just good straight up, "you know what? I want a bar that looks like a space station as envisioned in the 1950s and I can."

The mirror on the ceiling over the bed the other hand.... c'mon now, that's just tacky.


Pfft.. you never comb hair in bed?
 
2012-12-27 08:57:07 PM  
Some of those are beautiful homes being covered up by shiatty decorating and '70s-'80s tile and wall coverings. Seriously who buys a $25 million home and can't afford to get rid of old, mildued bathroom tile?
 
2012-12-27 08:58:11 PM  

BadReligion: That huge mansion in Houston is only $499,000.00? Seems like a bargain unless there are very serious issues.


The only very serious issue I can think of is that you're living in Houston.
 
2012-12-27 08:58:59 PM  

fusillade762: [cdn.cstatic.net image 500x333]

This one looks like a child's playroom. If your child drank a lot, that is.


Screams "1980s leftover" to me. Rooms like that are to the 1980s what Harvest Gold and Avocado Green appliances were to the 1970s.

/misses lovelylisting.com
 
2012-12-27 09:05:18 PM  

Ima4nic8or: Most of them look quite nice.


Let's go down the list, shall we?
Lead picture (unidentified) looks like a Guido casino.
You'll probably find frozen corpses next to the South African frozen half losbster tails in the freezer.
And nothing says Tacky Shiat like South African frozen half losbster tails in the freezer.
OK?
#2, the Miami Beach, $35M, is a pretentious, piece of shait that would be used in the "Layer Cake" as a country club, Fortunately, the producers of that movie knew what a budget was.
Chateau d'Or, Los Angeles, $25M comes in next, looking like a Dago whore house designed by Scarface.
#3: Destin, Fla., $2.295M. Don't get me started on the cheesy attempt at upholstery or the fact that the fireplace doesn't even have a wood box or wood rack near it. I'm not even clicking on the time wasting little jpegs here. No need to waste my life when people who have more money than they have taste buy crap like this. And time, is, money.
Fort Lauderdale, Fla. comes in at #4 as Scarface's second home. The one he reserved for his Shiksa whore mistress. Piece of crap should be used as a hotel for people who want to treat the mistress to a "Romantic" get away while the wife thinks he's out on a "business trip"
Bleah.
Carmel, Ind., $5.5M is boozer Barbie, covered that one already.
#6: Oh, great. I got loaded and won big at the craps table and told the cabbie to I-Phone the nicest place in town and put me up. Slipped him a C-Note, and woke up...
UNDERWATER! GAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhh.
Who puked the wallpaper?
Trompe-l'œil, my ass. It's like waking up in a farking fish bowl!!!
/better be a long assed snorkel under my pillow.

Still with me here?
Houson,(sic) Texas, $499K, logs in at #7, looking like everyone who ever married a Bush left a snail trail on the toilet seat and every one who was a Bush peed in the shower.
#8: Brooklyn, N.Y., $14M. I can't imagine having money and wanting to live in farking Brooklyn, but I like this one. I like it for a BDSM porno shoot.
#9 is Indianapolis, Ind., $980K. Miss Indiana apparently married and old geezer who thought she needed a cheesy palace to go with her cheesy tiara. Christ on crutches, How about a security system for the garage? Don't leave the Bentley out in the Indiana winter with a 40' Roof over it.
#10: *clears throat* Sulphur, La., $5.2M. O.K, Now. Liberace just called from beyond th grave to say, "Too Gay". This will be reposted on a famous Star Trek actor's timeline on Facebook in a few days, I'm sure.

And now that I' at the end of the list, it's apparent that despite the mispellings, the author of the article has no idea how to write, because all the descriptions are below the titles.

Fark it all and you have no taste.

I say good day, Madman.
GOOD DAY!
 
2012-12-27 09:05:36 PM  
So Prince used to have a house in Carmel, Indiana?
 
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