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(Yahoo)   To the left: Seven myths about divorce. To the right: bitter anecdotes about your meanspirited ex-spouses   (shine.yahoo.com) divider line 138
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19922 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Dec 2012 at 2:06 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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Archived thread
2012-12-26 10:26:22 PM
32 votes:
Divorce is ugly, but it's survivable.

The thing about it, is that it erodes confidence in your decision making capabilities. It shatters your conceptions of what you think you want. It means that what you thought you wanted, wasn't. It takes time to get over. It takes time to get your groove back. It changes said groove, or at least, if you're smart, it should.

You took someone into your life, and you swore before God and your family and friends that THIS was the one. And it wasn't. That means, if you're smart, you take a few to consider what you really wanted. What went wrong. What you missed. What you glossed over. What mistakes YOU made. There is plenty of time for recrimination, but if you're smart, take some time to figure YOUR sh*t out. Anger, recrimination, and the rest, those are natural, but at the end of things, you have to figure out your own culpability, or you're going to make the same damn mistakes again.

That means that maybe, just maybe, you don't date for a bit. And accept that the first time you do, that it's going to be a bit rocky, on your part. In part because you're out of practice, in part because no matter how ready you think you are, you're probably not. Chances are, you're going to f*ck up that Boobies divorce relationship. Don't pin your hopes and dreams on that one, because it's for practice. If the gal or guy you're dating post divorce is smart will realize this, and give you some space, and will be understanding. Chances are, you're going to screw it up by expecting things to be easy, and that you're ready. You probably won't be, and you'll realize that fairly soon. It's a learning curve. You may get lucky. You may be amazingly lucky, or you may find someone who realizes that you're damaged goods and is patient and decent, but the odds aren't great for that. Especially if they're post divorce too. Understand that going in. If and when it falls apart, you can't let that shake you back down to the core, but learn from it. And hopefully, be smart enough to stay friends with this person, because you owe them a lot.

The thing about divorce is, that it's like a cycle of addiction. You get out, and you are immediately set back emotionally to the place you were when you started the whole shebang. If that was a relationship you started in college, boy howdy, you are in for a rude awakening. Common wisdom says the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone, and in part, that can be true, but it's real hard on the folks you date. If you don't want to be an asshat, you might want to check that impulse, because these are real people, and they have feelings, and as screwed up as you are probably going to be for awhile, you might want to get back down to some hardcore YOU time. Taking time after you split is natural. It's time to reflect. Time to get your sh*t together. I urge you to do exactly that, so you do less damage. To yourself. To others.

There IS a good side. You learn a lot about yourself after a divorce. And during a divorce. You can take those lessons and do something constructive, or you can bury them and continue the cycles that got you into the mess in the first place. That is the route that most folks take, and it takes some time to master. You don't have to be a monk, but maybe take some time to figure out what you really want, and where you screwed up. And be honest about it. Not just with your partners, but with yourself. It probably means confronting some ugly sh*t about yourself. What your illusions were going into things. What your expectations were vs reality. It ain't easy. It IS worth the time you spend getting your head and heart right.

Not every relationship post divorce is going to be serious. Heck, it's probably a good idea to have something entirely casual, so you don't try to replace ONE serious relationship with another, because that is an ugly road, and it hangs a LOT of baggage on the new one. Let the new ones be their own thing. Celebrate those things. Celebrate the new. The new relationship. The new trust you have in yourself. The new person. The new road you're taking. Be careful, be honest, and don't try to force relationships into being something they ain't. That goes for any break up, but marriage is special in that you had all these dreams of getting old with someone that didn't pan out, and that rocks you. It's supposed to. If it doesn't, then there is something wrong. You might want to ponder that a moment, and figure out what that is, and THEN move on, otherwise you're going to wind up making the same damn mistakes. In choosing partners. In dealing with partners. In dealing with the relationship in general.

There is life after divorce, and even great times ahead, but you need to consider some things before getting back out there. Do that, and take the time to ponder a bit, and you'll be better for it. Swears.
2012-12-27 05:29:19 AM
6 votes:

hubiestubert: Divorce is ugly, but it's survivable.

The thing about it, is that it erodes confidence in your decision making capabilities. It shatters your conceptions of what you think you want. It means that what you thought you wanted, wasn't. It takes time to get over. It takes time to get your groove back. It changes said groove, or at least, if you're smart, it should.

You took someone into your life, and you swore before God and your family and friends that THIS was the one. And it wasn't. That means, if you're smart, you take a few to consider what you really wanted. What went wrong. What you missed. What you glossed over. What mistakes YOU made. There is plenty of time for recrimination, but if you're smart, take some time to figure YOUR sh*t out. Anger, recrimination, and the rest, those are natural, but at the end of things, you have to figure out your own culpability, or you're going to make the same damn mistakes again.

That means that maybe, just maybe, you don't date for a bit. And accept that the first time you do, that it's going to be a bit rocky, on your part. In part because you're out of practice, in part because no matter how ready you think you are, you're probably not. Chances are, you're going to f*ck up that Boobies divorce relationship. Don't pin your hopes and dreams on that one, because it's for practice. If the gal or guy you're dating post divorce is smart will realize this, and give you some space, and will be understanding. Chances are, you're going to screw it up by expecting things to be easy, and that you're ready. You probably won't be, and you'll realize that fairly soon. It's a learning curve. You may get lucky. You may be amazingly lucky, or you may find someone who realizes that you're damaged goods and is patient and decent, but the odds aren't great for that. Especially if they're post divorce too. Understand that going in. If and when it falls apart, you can't let that shake you back down to the core, but learn from it. And hopefully ...


This.

One thing I have learned is that there are worse things than being alone.

Sometimes there's being alone with someone.
2012-12-27 11:58:04 AM
5 votes:

Trance354: ...but I'm almost willing to go along just to keep the baby away from that POS.


Don't go there dude. Nothing good comes from a broken woman in a broken relationship. Advice, help, all good, but the second you stick your dick in that, you're in for a world of abuse.
2012-12-27 02:10:11 AM
5 votes:
You wanna know why divorce is expensive?

Because it's f*cking worth it.
2012-12-27 11:18:41 AM
4 votes:

Optimus Composite: This idea has been confirmed to me by every older married guy I ever met. They all say the same thing, "don't do it, it turns to crap no matter what you do, at best it's a tedious bore, at worst it's a living hell with financial ruin thrown in for good measure."


They're doing it wrong.

Optimus Composite: I see friends who are married and they're all miserable, both spouses in every marriage have gained significant weight, after a few drinks they privately tell me their sex life sucks, one said it's like being in prison with a big fat cellmate who doesn't want to have sex with you.


See above.

Optimus Composite: Today after work I'm going to stop off for a pizza and a few beers, I dare one of the married men to do that without their wife's permission and see how that works out for you.


Works out fine for me. If it doesn't, again: you're doing it wrong.

Optimus Composite: If you get married once, fine, you were in love, or thought you were. If you get divorced and then marry again, you have a concussion.


Your mileage may in no way vary from anyone else's. And it will certainly not vary due to any action on your own part- not only in choosing to marry or not, but how you conduct your marriage going forward from that moment (should you opt to marry).

/sagenod

35 years old, married seven years. Quite happy with it. It's not always perfect of course, but if omnipresent bliss was the expectation you had going in, well, once again, you're doing it wrong. Oh so very wrong.

And I'd be the first to admit, it's certainly not for everyone. It's not required for an existing relationship to flourish, nor is it anathema to any given already happy relationship or lifestyle. You have to know yourself and the other person well enough to judge whether it's a good direction to go in or not.

If you do decide to go that way the effort hardly stops there. It's an ongoing thing. It requires a commitment, sure.

It's tempting to say people are flawed if they can't (or won't) commit, and I think that stigma's unfair too. If you know long-term commitments aren't your thing, then the smart thing to do- the mature thing to do, is not to make them. Our culture is more than a little neurotic on this point. I think if it was socially okay to admit that this wasn't your thing, then you'd see less people making the wrong call under pressure, and overall, less people unhappy with that choice.

You'd see less people this bitter about it.
2012-12-27 11:00:09 AM
4 votes:

steamingpile: Optimus Composite:

Today after work I'm going to stop off for a pizza and a few beers, I dare one of the married men to do that without their wife's permission and see how that works out for you. If you get married once, fine, you were in love, or thought you were. If you get divorced and then marry again, you have a concussion.

I don't get that last statement, if I want to do that all I do is tell her what I'm doing and she if she wants to meet me or bring her anything. She doesn't get mad and frequently joins me so I have no frame of reference you speak of, hell one time I stopped at Hooters to grab a bite since it was flooding outside and traffic going home sucked. She called after about an hour to see if I had left yet, when I told her I was just walking out she told me to go back inside and she would be there in a minute.

Maybe I am spoiled like my friends keep saying.....


I was thinking the same thing. I don't understand the relationship dynamic some people have where one has to 'ask permission' to do normal, every day things. If I want to stop somewhere after work, I do. If the wife wants to go out with her friends, she does. I appreciate some notification (and vice versa) just so neither one is waiting around on the other for dinner or anything, but permission doesn't even come into the equation.
2012-12-27 03:47:26 AM
4 votes:
A REAL WOMAN IS MAN'S BEST FRIEND

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.

No wait ... Sorry ...
I'm thinking of whiskey.
It's whiskey that does all that shiat.
Nevermind.
2012-12-27 03:14:27 AM
4 votes:

7th Son of a 7th Son: not_an_indigo: Nothing in there about how young marriage=higher chance of divorce?

Or how having divorced parents decreases one's chances of having a successful marriage?

A coworker of mine got married to his HS sweetheart when he was 21. Didn't even last 2 years. She went through his phone one day and read half of a text convo (which was purely innocent) and she flipped out. He basically said "biatch you're crazy!" and started divorce proceedings.


But then I've been with my girl since we were 18 and we are still just as happy as clams.

Anecdotal evidence is anecdotal. Don't associate with people who are prone to drama. When I want drama I read about other people's terrible relationships on fark.
2012-12-27 03:12:56 AM
4 votes:

Atomic Spunk: On those days where you feel that nothing is going right, it sure is nice to have someone to offer you words of encouragement and support. If you ever feel sorry for yourself, it's great to have someone who can remind you of all of the good things in your life.


This is much better...
www.petside.com
2012-12-27 02:20:54 AM
4 votes:
Luckily (in a strange way), my ex tried to kill me, so I didn't have to pay alimony. He was in prison. YAY!

I am known for my poor decisions when it comes to men, that's why I finally just took some time off and said "no more dating, die alone, you stupid, chubby biatch". Now I have my first date in years, coming up New Year's Eve. I am being very, very cautious with this one, and he knows it. When I asked him out today (yes, I got brave!) we had lunch together and talked for a couple hours. We're both pretty battered by our pasts, but we both gave it a rest for a long time, so he's being cautious as well. I think that's a good thing. I also think it's a good sign that once the ice was broken we were able to be so open and honest with each other. At least I hope it is a good sign, otherwise I'll lose faith in myself completely. I just started regaining it after years of solitude, so I really don't want to lose it again.

*fingers crossed*
2012-12-27 02:11:43 AM
4 votes:
The problem is biatches be crazy.
2012-12-27 01:38:17 PM
3 votes:
This thread makes me want to get a vasectomy.
2012-12-27 09:34:59 AM
3 votes:

tom baker's scarf: She has a bad case of "If I think life should be a certain way then reality must conform to make my vision true."


So she's a woman?
2012-12-27 06:02:43 AM
3 votes:

Genevieve Marie: Diogenes The Cynic: Someone is defensive Genevieve

Nah, it was just a little decent advice. I actually wasn't trying to be a jerk- although I really don't overly care for the idea that women all share one crazy hive mind, and that seems to come out in Fark relationship threads.

Rhino_man: Second of all, what I learned is that I need to take the time to make sure that the woman I'm marrying isn't crazy before I marry her. True story, wife #2 had been pressuring me for about a year to be a farking polygamist because she didn't want to be alone at home while I was at work, and another wife would keep her company. The bad thing is that she started all of the crazy after it was too late... not just after the wedding, she waited until she was pregnant to go berserk.

And honestly, here's a little more decent advice: You married two women who weren't happy, and who obviously had their fair share of issues. Know what they have in common? You married both of them. At least some of that is you. And I'm really not saying that to be a jerk, or to be judgmental, or anything else. I'm just pointing out that if you want a chance to be happy in the future, an honest self-evaluation of what you've done wrong in the past is a good start. And blaming all the problems on the two women you married isn't going to help.

Advice rant off.


Trust me, I'm not trying to shunt the blame for not properly vetting them onto the women that I didn't properly vet. That's all me. I didn't take the time to really know whether or not their issues were insurmountable ones.

Wife #1 was a pretty simple case. She was a Navy brat, so she had daddy issues related to constant deployment. There's not much you can do when you leave an otherwise pretty good relationship for a 7 month deployment and come back to find that she's got a boyfriend.

Wife #2 was far more complicated. Daddy is a partner at an accounting firm and has, for as long as she can remember, been able to set his own office hours. When I got a job fixing medical equipment (which is evening/night work) she started flipping the fark out because "real men are home at night with their families." Throw in a little bit of constant fear because she was raised thinking "The knowledge of man will bring about the end of the world, Jesus said so!" and a whole lot of "I just don't think I'm wired for monogamy," shake it all up with a pregnancy, and that relationship isn't going to last very long.

I should have seen #2's issues coming from a mile away. I should have been able to steer clear... but, honestly, she was a rebound after #1. I tried to 'hit it and quit it,' never got around to the second part of that, and ended up marrying her because I was afraid to be alone.

In short, yes... I've done quite a bit of self assessment, thank you very much. There's even MORE crazy that I could lay on you, but I don't want to just throw a wall of text out there that everyone would immediately skip. I know that the common theme in both of them is that I married them, but it doesn't mean that they're not crazy... it just means that I have a poor record at detecting crazy before I marry it.
2012-12-27 05:31:17 AM
3 votes:

Rhino_man: So now I'm 25, working on divorce #2, and I haven't seen my daughter in almost a month because her coont of a mother decided she needed to move to another state and stop answering my calls.

Women.


First of all, two women probably don't constitute a representative sample of of half the world's population.

Second of all... if you came out of two bad marriages that ended the same way with the idea that they ended badly because women are bad, you didn't learn anything. You might want to spend a little time reflecting on your own contributions to making the relationships unhappy. Takes two, etc.
2012-12-27 04:34:53 AM
3 votes:

TomD9938: My brothers wife recently left him after 25 years marriage. No abuse, drunkenness or secret fabulousness, just that the kids were gone off to college and she got bored - wanted to start a new life.


Statistically, most divorces are initiated by the wife and the number one reason for wanting a divorce is "I don't feel fulfilled" or some variation such as your brother's ex gave.

Work 25 years building a home, raising children, taking care of the wife, trying to be a good husband.  Your reward for that is betrayal.
2012-12-27 03:13:40 AM
3 votes:
4.bp.blogspot.com
2012-12-27 02:44:48 AM
3 votes:

Real Women Drink Akvavit: Dinjiin: not_an_indigo: Nothing in there about how young marriage=higher chance of divorce?  Or how having divorced parents decreases one's chances of having a successful marriage?

I wonder if people getting married later in life has something to do with the overall declining divorce rates.

I would not be surprised if that were the case. I was married at 18 and I honestly don't think any 18 year old is fully equipped to make that kind of decision and pick up on warning signs, especially if they're in love. True, my ex ended up being diagnosed with significant mental health issues later, but someone a bit older than 18 probably would have picked up the warning signs a lot earlier than I did and known to leave ASAP when he quit taking his meds because he was "better". You never know, though. I've seen some stuff on Investigation Discovery about women who are the age I am now who are still not very good at the picking up on signs thingie.

/love truly is blind


No. Love is freaking dumb as a post.
2012-12-27 02:11:31 AM
3 votes:
FTA:

Myth 1 Headline: One in two marriages ends in divorce.
Myth 1 Body: A more accurate divorce rate for American marriages ranges from 40% to 50%

Uhhh...that's probably not how I would lead off the article, if I was writing it.
2012-12-28 03:09:32 AM
2 votes:

Genevieve Marie: DrExplosion: They are both bad things done by bad people and have the ability to devastate the victim psychologically for years to come. One may be more severe than the other, but logic applies to both. If it's wrong to blame the victim of one bad thing, it's wrong to blame the victim of another bad thing.

Except that everyone is entitled to be secure in their person and not have their body violated. That's a basic human right. No one  however, is entitled to someone else's love, fidelity, or body. That's something that's freely given and freely returned. And it sucks when one partner realizes they want out and exits the relationship in a hurtful way, but it isn't a criminal act.


I'm not saying that rape isn't worse than cheating. I'm saying that's irrelevant. If it is wrong to blame the victim of one bad thing, it is wrong to blame the victim of another bad thing. Rape doesn't have special exemption from that logic.

Saying "If he had just been more attentive to his wife" is no different from saying "If she had just been more attentive to her surroundings." In either case, you're blaming the victim for the actions of a bad person.
2012-12-27 05:24:00 PM
2 votes:
i.imgur.com
2012-12-27 04:00:49 PM
2 votes:

fredklein:
There was a story here on Fark about a man who had a vasectomy, didn't tell his GF, and waited until things got really far along the 'I'm pregnamt, you're the daddy' trail until he revealed it. Funny as hell. Wish i could find it again.


OMG Found it!! Teh Google, it does something! Link, about 9 posts down.

Reproduced here for your reading pleasure:
thismomentinblackhistory [TotalFark]
I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshiat insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the 2 test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshiat insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shiat. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are 2 test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshiat, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

29 Nov 2011 08:41 AM
2012-12-27 03:27:01 PM
2 votes:

Genevieve Marie: I just also tried to make it clear that generally, strong, solid relationships where both people are happy aren't the ones that end in cheating


That's not true. The percentage of affairs that happen while both partners claim to be happy is surprisingly high. If you believe this segment on This American Life, half of men and a third of women who cheat say their marriage is happy. Sometimes there's something wrong with the people, and not the relationship.


Genevieve Marie: Cheating is really, really hurtful and I feel terrible for anyone whose relationship ends that way, but even still- people usually act like cheating is the direct cause of breakups rather than a symptom that something was wrong in the relationship.


Because cheating IS the direct cause of a lot of breakups. A lot of problems that would have been solvable if only the person had spoken up, suddenly become unsolvable after cheating. It's like throwing a nuclear bomb into an already troubled relationship. I'm not saying self-reflection at the end of a relationship is a bad thing, but some of your posts do really come across as blaming the victim. There is never justification for cheating.

/cheated
2012-12-27 02:38:29 PM
2 votes:

KiwDaWabbit: corronchilejano: Trance354: ...but I'm almost willing to go along just to keep the baby away from that POS.

Don't go there dude. Nothing good comes from a broken woman in a broken relationship. Advice, help, all good, but the second you stick your dick in that, you're in for a world of abuse.

I second this. If only I would have seen this two and a half years ago.

And adding a baby into the mix?
.
No. Stop. Don't.


Thirded. I've noticed, women that have a history of being abused will turn the tables on the nice guy.
2012-12-27 02:32:45 PM
2 votes:

Genevieve Marie: pciszek: Genevieve Marie: Usually, in cheating situations, someone is looking for something that's missing from the relationship.

Do you similarly justify the actions of men who cheat? Just wondering.

That's why I very carefully made sure the statement was gender neutral.

Cheating is really, really hurtful and I feel terrible for anyone whose relationship ends that way, but even still- people usually act like cheating is the direct cause of breakups rather than a symptom that something was wrong in the relationship.


You must be a social worker the way you spin it so that it is the victim's fault their partner betrayed their trust and love. There is no excuse for infidelity, period. If things are so bad you must turn to someone else for sex or friendship then it's time to end the relationship.

See how I managed to keep it gender neutral too even though your bias shows in many of your previous posts?

Tell us how it is the victims fault for getting raped while you're at it.
2012-12-27 02:21:57 PM
2 votes:

Benni K Rok: Aside from ALL of the sound advice above, see if you can catch up with some of the other baby mammas, and get some charges pressed against him. I know of at least one other deadbeat "dad" that needs to spend some time in jail.


And yet these are the guys who are winning the reproduction game. The reason men are such jerks is that women have been selectively breeding for the traits they prefer in a sperm donor, and that seems to be what they prefer. It's like the peacock's tail.
2012-12-27 01:46:14 PM
2 votes:

ShavedApe: This thread makes me want to get a vasectomy.


Do it. No joke. A few days on the couch playing video games and you'll feel good as new. And never be afraid of getting swindled by some chick who's biological clock made her stop taking birth control without telling you again.
2012-12-27 12:10:32 PM
2 votes:
The one thing i have to add. When I went through my divorce, it was pretty much about the time I joined Fark. It was a rocky time, and a few of you wiley bastiches helped me through it. With laughs, with thoughtful commentary, with jibes, and more. My friends outside, and on the site were instrumental in getting my head on straight. You NEED the outside perspective. Even if it's wrong, because you have to know how folks are perceiving your behavior. Take their advice. Good and bad, it comes from a place that is trying to help, and while you don't have to follow everything folks tell you, it helps to know that you're not alone in things. Hearing other folks' divorce stories is sometimes...well, it's sometimes disheartening. Everyone has their tale, and it's very interesting and fresh for them, but for other folks, maybe not so much. They'll help you, they'll listen, but have a care that you don't drown the folks closest to you with drear and dull and endlessly repetitive tales of bitter and angst. It's a tightrope, but it helps to know that going in, and that is part of the socialization that will help you through to the other side.

It IS possible to have an entirely amicable divorce. Depending on circumstances and the people involved, but it will still rock your preconceptions of what you thought you had. Take the time to consider that, and then get back out there. Learn to trust yourself again, and others as well. It is not the end, it's a new chapter. Use that perspective and learn from it.
2012-12-27 11:07:35 AM
2 votes:

pciszek: Genevieve Marie: Usually, in cheating situations, someone is looking for something that's missing from the relationship.


Yeah, but if you have the emotional maturity of a preschooler or better, you talk about what's missing from the relationship well before it comes to cheating.
2012-12-27 10:58:00 AM
2 votes:

TapDancingTamarin: I packed up and moved to southern Missouri where he was


In my experience, that should be a huge red flag to most people.
2012-12-27 10:36:21 AM
2 votes:

Genevieve Marie: Usually, in cheating situations, someone is looking for something that's missing from the relationship.


Do you similarly justify the actions of men who cheat? Just wondering.
2012-12-27 10:18:00 AM
2 votes:
And some people wonder why people my age are less and less interested in getting married.
2012-12-27 10:03:17 AM
2 votes:

Genevieve Marie: Or you can acknowledge that there's a reason the story keeps repeating and start looking for what that is. Self-reflection is hard, but it's generally worthwhile.


The problem is that few ever have the strength to consider they could be contributing to what they feel is a problem that is centered around the opposite sex.  In their mind it is a very straight forward issue that is beyond their control and is always brought onto them by the other half of the relationship.

It also astounds me the of men that think most women are these highly controlling "princesses" that expect everybody in their lives to cater to their every whim.  I know there are women like that out there, but by the amount of complaining that you see one would think that 90% of women would fall in that category.

/it's nice to have to have the time to be back.
2012-12-27 09:56:34 AM
2 votes:
The only thing I learned from my parents divorce, after 30 years of marriage, was never get married. This idea has been confirmed to me by every older married guy I ever met. They all say the same thing, "don't do it, it turns to crap no matter what you do, at best it's a tedious bore, at worst it's a living hell with financial ruin thrown in for good measure." I see friends who are married and they're all miserable, both spouses in every marriage have gained significant weight, after a few drinks they privately tell me their sex life sucks, one said it's like being in prison with a big fat cellmate who doesn't want to have sex with you.

Today after work I'm going to stop off for a pizza and a few beers, I dare one of the married men to do that without their wife's permission and see how that works out for you. If you get married once, fine, you were in love, or thought you were. If you get divorced and then marry again, you have a concussion.
2012-12-27 09:45:17 AM
2 votes:

UtopianDevil: I think number four is on the hook as we speak). At least when I was dumb enough to fall into the trap she didn't already have children.

Oh well - lesson learned. Don't stick it in crazy and you can't trust products from the Trojan company.


I'm sorry about your luck, but reading stuff like this makes me love having gotten a vasectomy more and more. I decided long ago I didn't want kids, but the "You never know..." argument always made me hesitate. Then an army buddy knocked up a chick he met at a bar. We both ended up taking some slightly above mediocre chicks home using the "just home from Afghanistan" card. I got whiskey-dick, or in my case vodak-dick, and ended up passing out before pulling the proverbial trigger. He ended up with a kid and child support payments. I got the vasectomy about a month after he got the "you're gonna be a daddy" call.
2012-12-27 09:02:26 AM
2 votes:
Unmarried for life here. I am convinced that, even in the highly unlikely even that I find a woman willing to put up with my shiat, she wouldn't put up with it for long. The good thing about never marrying is never having to get divorced.

/"get the f**k out of this thread, Pfom!!, you loser"
2012-12-27 08:51:23 AM
2 votes:

Two16: Wow that article couldn't be more full of shiat if it was a toilet.


People aren't here for the article.
2012-12-27 08:16:46 AM
2 votes:
2009- 36 years old, alcoholic cheating soon to be ex-wife, divorce court, bankruptcy, no car, living in my parent's basement sleeping on a pile of blankets, no social life, barely able to concentrate on my job...

2012- 39 years old, nice apartment, new car, healthy savings and retirement accounts, several vacations per year to wherever I feel like going, active social life, several promotions at work...

NEVER getting married again!
2012-12-27 08:03:44 AM
2 votes:
I dodged the bullet, and purely by chance.

Dated a girl for 4 years, got engaged on our 4th anniversary in October, and planned to get married on the 5th anniversary the next year. Somewhere during that last year, she started cheating on me with someone she worked with and doing a lot of partying. It was her last year in school and she was the classic cute, silly, good girl for most of her life. I think she had a "I'm graduating college, getting married, and never did anything wild" breakdown, at least from the looks of it. So she went off the deep end and went from a mild-mannered(but awesome in bed) loving, overachiever studying logistics and supply chain management to drunken club whore in a few months. She hid it pretty well at first, but in the summer I was gone for three weeks for Army training, and apparently that's when it really took off. We had a trip planned to Cedar Point for the weekend right when I got back. Nothing huge as we only live a few hours away, but a nice fun weekend together. We did end up going and she was really really nice and sweet the whole time. I thought she got over her party girl phase and was back to her old self. We had a great weekend, spent the night together when we got home, and she left for work the next morning after some awesome morning sex.

Texted me 10 minutes after she left that she was leaving me for a guy from her work. Never saw her again. I found the engagement ring sitting on my dresser. I did end up getting some straight answers out of one of her friends that I kinda knew. She told me all about my exes partying and club nights, and said my ex told her that her and I broke up months ago, so she never even knew that she was cheating on my the whole time she was banging other guys.

Getting dumped like that after 4 and half years, and finding out that the person I thought I was going to marry turned into a whole different person really shook me up. I started drinking a lot and probably would have gotten a lot worse, but I ended up getting deployed to Afghanistan 6 months after that happened. Now, a few years later, I realize that if it was going to happen at all, I'm glad it happened how and why it did. If my ex had been more ruthless and cunning and not as caught up in the partying, she could have gone through with the marriage and probably made off with a ton of my deployment money, plus the ring. Dumping me and leaving the ring before we got married saved me tens of thousands of dollars in the end, plus no lawyers, judges, etc.

I dodged the bullet that time, and I don't plan on jumping in front of the gun again.
2012-12-27 07:54:11 AM
2 votes:
Marine dudes. Don't they warn servicemen that some women are predatory toward men in the service? I know when a friend's brother enlisted many years ago (though he was in the army) they warned all the young enlisted men that there were women who would know they were lonely, had guaranteed income and would pretty much fling themselves at the service dudes - and it wasn't a good thing. He was trippin' on that for days, because he had just met this cute girl (he was only 18 at the time, I think) and she was all over him like white on rice. It did give him  pause and made him scrutinize her a bit more, that's for sure.

They did eventually marry and have children and are still together, more than 20 years later, but that's not always the case as you both sadly found out. (So sorry that happened to both of you, btw. Should never happen to anyone.)
2012-12-27 04:45:40 AM
2 votes:

Genevieve Marie: I just can't imagine why any of you guys have troublesome relationships with women.


The correlatory truism to "No matter how beautiful she is, someone somewhere is tired of her shiat" is, "No matter how much of an asshole he is, someone somewhere will put up with his shiat". :)
2012-12-27 04:39:08 AM
2 votes:
I just can't imagine why any of you guys have troublesome relationships with women.
2012-12-27 04:37:23 AM
2 votes:
If you wonder why divorces favors the female, you're smart enough to not get married.

Its a terrible contract for a man to enter and will only benefit a crazy woman timebomb you'll have to hire a lawyer to get out of your bank accounts and then you still might be buying Jody's new truck while he's sleeping in the house you used to own but still make payments on.

But if youre the sort who knows that love is important and your wife will never change.....go right on a head.
2012-12-27 04:27:36 AM
2 votes:
Myth #6: The mother almost always gets custody of the children.

The article goes on to say how both parents are granted equal time and that custody is awarded based on the best interest of the children.  None of this contradicts the myth, which isn't a farking myth.  Custody is usually granted to the mother unless she is bloody obviously unfit, and sometimes not even then.
2012-12-27 03:59:59 AM
2 votes:
I've given up. But I don't have a sour ex story to tell. Sure, I could tell a few entertaining/horror tales, but in the end, it's always been me.

Honestly, I'm just not that into relationships. Things go okay, then I start withdrawing, because I love making things and I'd rather do that than spend time with someone. Things that are not children. Computer programs, generally, but other things too - food, clothes, whatever. I enjoy it more than sex. Often less messy, too.
2012-12-27 03:38:21 AM
2 votes:
Ex-wife started making noise about alimony and taking the house. I threatened to sue for custody of her daughter from a previous marriage. She stopped pursuing alimony, and I got the house. There's no room for honor in a divorce.
2012-12-27 03:18:54 AM
2 votes:
Marriage stopped making sense a long time ago.
2012-12-27 03:16:42 AM
2 votes:

mikefinch: Anecdotal evidence is anecdotal. Don't associate with people who are prone to drama. When I want drama I read about other people's terrible relationships on fark.


Best advice I have ever seen here on fark.  My boyfriend and I have zero drama and we don't get bent out of shape over pointless stuff.
2012-12-27 03:05:04 AM
2 votes:
Marriage is a mistake every man should make.
2012-12-27 02:35:55 AM
2 votes:
Myth #6: The mother almost always gets custody of the children.

Legally, though, that's not the case....The best interest of the child also could preclude a mom from gaining custody, says Dr. Tessina. If a judge doesn't deem that the mother meets the state's standards for being a fit parent, she won't be awarded primary custody. If both parents are fit to raise the child, they're typically granted shared custody.


So in other words, the mother doesn't always get custody of the children, but she almost always gets custody of the children. Busted yet another myth!
2012-12-27 12:00:47 AM
2 votes:

hubiestubert: Divorce is ugly, but it's survivable. Bunch of words


Your advice is probably much better than mine. I moved 700 miles away from the ex to advance my career and put some distance between me and the ex so I wouldn't be tempted to burn her house down. The career thing worked wonderfully and I was making way too much money for a man that was as damaged as I was. I intentionally went full manwhore and adopted the 10 year rule. I would not entertain dating any woman that was not at least 10 years younger than me. I told every woman girl I was hanging out with that it was not exclusive and there were others. It's amazing what women will put up with when you are completely honest about what an asshole you are. My wife was as broken as I was and I really didn't see it. After many over the top crazy life events we found a way to fix each other. I'm sure it sounds like the most unstable marriage one could imagine. But it is the exact opposite. I will be faithful to her the rest of my days and do not have the slightest doubt she will do the dame.

/don't be like me kids. It was a hard road.
2012-12-26 07:52:18 PM
2 votes:
The only good thing I got from the state of North Carolina was the divorce laws.

/no alimony
2012-12-29 04:48:22 PM
1 votes:
You are correct. I acted like an ass. I jumped the gun, posted impseulsively and was out of line. I apologise.
2012-12-28 08:36:03 AM
1 votes:

Genevieve Marie: I agree, and I don't think I expressed the point I was trying to make particularly well when I started posting.


Possibly, you made it sound rather banal and run-of-the-mill. Like a housefly buzzing in the kitchen. I think that strikes the wrong tone.

Genevieve Marie: I was just trying to point out that generally, it does take two people to create a toxic relationship, even when one person bears most of the responsibility, and that trying to figure out what went wrong should be a more involved process than just blaming everything on the other partner all of the time. And if you've been involved in multiple toxic relationships, than you probably have a few issues of your own to work through.


I don't really disagree with this in essence, but when it comes to willful acts (cheating is one of those), well, there's no one responsible for them save for the person who committed them.

As I was saying before, Cheating is an act that is really the culmination of an utter lack of respect for another human being. In a business relationship, it's considered good form to notify all affected parties when the nature of that relationship changes. And before anyone says "business relationships aren't personal relationships", I know, and it's part of my point. Business relationships often denote a certain lack of warmth and an impersonal nature, yet somehow manage a decorum that is more considerate than many romantic relationships- where cheating seems to be expected and apparently to some just part of the playing field.

Assuming you began the marriage with an honest slate- meaning the commitment and respect from both parties was genuine- then you might do well to ponder the vagaries of what you might have done to lose that esteem with your partner. But even if you come up with a laundry list of valid reasons for your fall from grace, the decision to react to that with infidelity was still your partner's, not yours.

No one forces another person to do something (short of an actual hostage situation or blackmail of some sort). Your actions and reactions are entirely your own.

I get testy with my wife sometimes. And arguably there are things she does sometimes which are less than respectful or graceful and could be fairly construed to be provocative of my ire. Raising my voice or yelling at her is still my call to make and no one else's. For my part, I happen to know I have a temper, and I'm mindful to keep it in check- even when given "just cause" to let it run free.

My own commitment to react reasonably and respectfully- even when provoked- is also my own. I've once been a "homewrecker" and was in turn cheated on in that same relationship (which ironically came full-circle). I was a dumb kid at the time, but I learned quick. I've never cheated on anyone and I never will. There's no provocation in the world that would ever make that compulsory from my standpoint, nor would it lift the responsibility for that action from my shoulders.

In fact, I resigned that I would never even be a party to cheating ever again. I've seen what it does to people. I've seen it used by people as a "quick and dirty" way to end a relationship. But any way you slice it, it's a rotten, deceitful, disrespectful and cowardly thing to do to another human being- and no amount of interpersonal grief you may have suffered at the hands of the other person justifies it or necessitates it.

My current wife sometimes asks me if we'll always be together, and I've always been careful never to answer in certainty. I've told her that I can't predict the future, and that's true. What I can commit to quite easily, and what I have told her is that- no matter what happens between us- if our relationship should ever change in that way, I will tell her.

It's the very least I could do for any human being- let alone one I've shared this much of my life with.
2012-12-28 03:48:59 AM
1 votes:

Genevieve Marie: And blaming someone for their own abuse would be a horrible thing to do, but infidelity is not always abuse. It can be part of a bigger pattern of emotional abuse, but it is not emotional abuse in and of itself. It's also not a crime.


...wow. I don't think I've ever heard someone claim with a straight face that cheating on someone that you're in a committed relationship with isn't emotionally abusive. I dare say you have a secret that you just can't find it in yourself to admit responsibility for. Methinks doth protest too much, and all that.

"It's also not a crime." Jesus Christ. Do you tell this to your dating prospects, that you don't see anything wrong with cheating on them?
2012-12-28 03:19:15 AM
1 votes:

mooseboots: Trance354:

We have joint custody, 50/50 shared parenting. We do alternating weeks. It's the only reality our son will ever know/remember, and I suppose that's a good thing.

Grandparents and other associated family members don't have guaranteed legal access to the children of a divorce - but my family and half of my wife's extended family accesses their time with our son via me.

I've been reminding myself this week that any of the Sandy Hook families, anyone who has lost a child to an illness, etc. - would happily have their child back 50% of the time.

I have to walk a tightrope, though. On the one hand, I want my son to love his mother, grow up with a normal relationship with her, etc. On the other hand, I don't want him to inherit some of her thinking about how to treat other people. How do I teach him to love and respect her, while rejecting her most destructive character traits?

Most of the time, I'm not even mad at her. I'm sorry for her. Going through life, going to war with virtually everyone - her maid of honor, her father, her father's family, her employers, our neighbors and neighborhood friends, etc. - it's really no way to live.


My best friend has been in exactly this situation for the last 12 years and he has handled it just perfectly, though it took him quite some time to figure it out. His daughter just turned 18 and is off to University now, and is one of the most amazing people I've ever met. Whenever I weep for the future of humanity I remember she will be running the planet when I'm old and senile and I feel much better. But I digress... According to him, there are two keys to what he's managed to pull off.

First, you must accept the fact that you have absolutely no control over the relationship with the mother or how she behaves. The only possible influence you might exert would be via manipulation of the child and that is the polar opposite of what you want so don't even think about it.

Second, you must be the role model for the attitudes and behaviors you want to instill and you must stick to them rigidly. It will be a hard road - when your child has two very different role models to choose from they will not always choose the right one at first, but you must have faith that they will come around. Most any kid with at least two brain cells to rub together will eventually come to the realization that Mom's life is a disaster because she does A, B, and C, while Dad does X, Y, and Z, and his life is sane and stable.
2012-12-27 09:59:08 PM
1 votes:
Myth # 8: It's not you, it's me.
2012-12-27 09:24:31 PM
1 votes:
Trance354:

We have joint custody, 50/50 shared parenting. We do alternating weeks. It's the only reality our son will ever know/remember, and I suppose that's a good thing.

Grandparents and other associated family members don't have guaranteed legal access to the children of a divorce - but my family and half of my wife's extended family accesses their time with our son via me.

I've been reminding myself this week that any of the Sandy Hook families, anyone who has lost a child to an illness, etc. - would happily have their child back 50% of the time.

I have to walk a tightrope, though. On the one hand, I want my son to love his mother, grow up with a normal relationship with her, etc. On the other hand, I don't want him to inherit some of her thinking about how to treat other people. How do I teach him to love and respect her, while rejecting her most destructive character traits?

Most of the time, I'm not even mad at her. I'm sorry for her. Going through life, going to war with virtually everyone - her maid of honor, her father, her father's family, her employers, our neighbors and neighborhood friends, etc. - it's really no way to live.
2012-12-27 09:13:14 PM
1 votes:

pciszek: dionosaur: So he tries to get out of the child support payments and the court says that because he let his name be put on the birth certificate, he is liable.

In some states, if a woman you are married to has a kid you are liable for support, end of story. Even if you had been deployed in Afghanistan when the kid was conceived and genetics prove that the kid could not possibly be yours.


I would consider prison, suicide, or murder to be better than paying a cheating whore for being a cheating whore.
2012-12-27 07:41:59 PM
1 votes:

buzzcut73: Cyclonic Cooking Action: Why does the common denominator to this thread appear to be the enlisted?

One part of the equation is that unmarried officers don't live in barracks like unmarried low level enlisted folks do. That seems to push a lot of the younger enlisted to marry..they get a little bit of a pay bump and can live off base, or in base family housing.


I was told when I was in uniform that it was a much better deal all around back in the day when you needed a sergeant's permission to get married. And from my personal experience I would have to agree - one of my duties for a few months was to play taxi for a few married privates who lived off base and had shiatty cars. I got to deal with the traffic of going through the front gate of Camp Lejuene four times a day at both rush hours - without getting any of the benefits such as a housing allowance or not living in a barracks. And since they were fellow Marines, I couldn't even in good conscience buddy-fark them over the gas money. I had to settle with forcing them to let me use their full kitchens on the weekends.


Trance354: First off, thanks all for the advice, though still mulling over the points. The girl is smart, active, very beautiful(glasses, can't resist the glasses), but has low self-worth, which is why this guy latched on to her and has been able to continue to do so for so long. He is the POS that she is making the error with, and her next could be the one that so many of you re-married(and happy) farkers said was the one who got you. Seems kinda 50/50. I have time, so time will tell.


The girl is definitely damaged goods. I won't go so far as the other farkers as to say run away screaming, but I will say be damn sure she's got her life together and stable by herself before you get into a relationship with her - otherwise it's just a ticking bomb. Sure, give her a helping hand if you can, but being somebodies lifejacket is no way to start off a relationship.
2012-12-27 07:18:37 PM
1 votes:

badgerb: [i.imgur.com image 507x401]


You don't know how right you are on that one......
2012-12-27 07:11:32 PM
1 votes:

gingerjet: Just because you had a bitter painful experience with marriage and are now living with your parents doesn't mean its not right for others.


I'll bite.
Why get married? Sure, you do get some additional rights regarding healthcare of your spouse, and there are tax incentives, but that's about it.

Marriage doesn't make you love someone more, it doesn't make you "more committed" -- you either are those things, or you aren't, marriage isn't going to change that. It's a legal contract and nothing more.

Now as to why people don't get married: read up or talk to people about their nasty, drawn out divorces. Ask about how one partner financially ruins another. Ask how there were no warning signs, and how their spouse just went off the deep end after several years/decades of happy matrimony.
For example:

Harry_Seldon: This happened to a friend of mine. Got divorced, and paying for her kid from a previous marriage because it is in the child's best interest. He is absolutely, completely financially devastated. She is forcing him to pay for private school for their two children, and then the third from her previous marriage, plus support. Oh, I forgot, she is also remarried. She hauls him back to court every chance she gets. It is like a hobby for her. Awful woman.

2012-12-27 05:38:23 PM
1 votes:

Cyclonic Cooking Action: Why does the common denominator to this thread appear to be the enlisted?


One part of the equation is that unmarried officers don't live in barracks like unmarried low level enlisted folks do. That seems to push a lot of the younger enlisted to marry..they get a little bit of a pay bump and can live off base, or in base family housing.
2012-12-27 05:36:31 PM
1 votes:

OgreMagi: Rhino_man: True story, wife #2 had been pressuring me for about a year to be a farking polygamist because she didn't want to be alone at home while I was at work, and another wife would keep her company.

I fail to see the problem.


The problem is that monogamy is critical to my happiness in a relationship. That might be strange, but it's how I'm wired.
2012-12-27 05:16:51 PM
1 votes:

Cyclonic Cooking Action: Why does the common denominator to this thread appear to be the enlisted?


They generally are compelled to make marry/not marry decisions much earlier in life than most people.
2012-12-27 05:13:20 PM
1 votes:

KiwDaWabbit: It bears repeating: shiatty people aren't gender specific.


This. You have to remember that bad behavior is bad behavior regardless of who commits it. You can't let something like a divorce turn you into a bitter man/woman hating person.

I decided that just because my ex wife was vile I wasn't going to let it color my views against all Woman. I've seen too many Men and Women who become bitter about everyone of the opposite sex after a bad divorce. I know there are plenty of good woman out there and dated one for a while after my divorce. I have had female friends for many years and see no reason become sexist just because of what I've been through.
2012-12-27 05:10:59 PM
1 votes:
Why does the common denominator to this thread appear to be the enlisted?
2012-12-27 04:05:12 PM
1 votes:

wingnut396: Stay
The
Fark
Away

Nothing good can come of this. This idiot woman who is putting up with the loser may want a 'real' man now, but she will change. Lets say you start dating her and get serious. You start looking after the kid. Pretty soon she will be looking for the excitement and spontaneity that an asshole boyfriend (or biatchy girlfriend) brings. You'll be the one left holding the bag and picking up the crap that falls outs. Find a sensible gal in the first place.

Thankfully I've avoided such gals through dumb luck. Some of girls I dated way back when, but left me for whatever reason, are now on husbands 3 and 4. They still lament on Facebook why then can't find a 'real' man who will give them and their kids a good stable home. Well, if they are not stable and they prefer unstable partners... good luck with that.


I think there is something to be said that the only common denominator in your failed relationships is you. This isn't meant as in "you personally" (i.e., wingnut396), but as a generality. In this case, "you" also applies to me. That is why having the ability to critique yourself is so crucial and why not having that ability will be one of the reasons that my ex will continue wondering why shiat keeps falling from the sky onto her.
2012-12-27 03:32:33 PM
1 votes:

Genevieve Marie: Yup. And I'd say that it's almost never entirely one person's fault- even in cheating situations.

Usually, in cheating situations, someone is looking for something that's missing from the relationship. Granted, it's a terrible way to handle it. But if you've been repeatedly cheated on, you can go one of two ways: You can assume that it means all relationships, everywhere, are doomed to failure and that women are crazy/evil or men are pigs/assholes.

Or you can acknowledge that there's a reason the story keeps repeating and start looking for what that is. Self-reflection is hard, but it's generally worthwhile.


Genevieve Marie: And I wasn't even trying to imply that people who get cheated on are responsible for the fact that they got cheated on. I was just saying that reflecting back on the other parts of the relationship and trying to figure out what went wrong is a more productive way to move forward than clinging to bitter hatred of an ex.


Really?
2012-12-27 03:29:23 PM
1 votes:

unatnaes: farkin_noob: /My sisters were pissed because I didn't make him pay child support for a kid that wasn't his.

This is honorable. And in the arena of divorce, for heaven's sake?? People will make up abuse for a few dollars a month. You get a very shiny gold star.

/not worth any more than no child support, but still.


Haha...thanks. Sometimes I think to myself I'm an idiot for being honorable, but I'd rather struggle a bit than be like my greedy, wretched sisters.
2012-12-27 03:28:29 PM
1 votes:

Genevieve Marie: SkunkWerks: Genevieve Marie: And blaming someone for their own abuse would be a horrible thing to do, but infidelity is not always abuse.

This is something like saying an apple is not always an orange to me. Seems pretty self-evident that infidelity isn't abuse. It's rare, if not downright uncommon that the primary goal for the adulterer is to harm the other person, the goal is to satisfy their own desires- considerations their partner are entirely omitted from that transaction.

The only way cheating could be defined as abuse is from the perspective of a person who seems to be laboring under the delusion that absolutely everything in the world happens for the sole purpose of directly affecting them- either to their benefit, or to their detriment- as in this case.

And this is precisely why it isn't a "symptom" of a failing relationship anymore than having a cracked skull is a symptom of having done a swan dive from five stories onto concrete, it's the result of a process.

There's a whole lot of things that come before that result- that enable it. And if you missed them, well then that may be part of the problem there (assuming that it isn't that you think the sun rises and sets in your own ass).

You just expressed exactly the point I was trying to make in a much more straightforward way. Thank you.


You're welcome?

I still strongly disagree that cheating is a symptom of a failing relationship. "Failing" sounds like it'll last a while.

It's the hallmark of a failed relationship. As in: the final stage. Over. Done.

When police investigate a murder in which a person was stabbed 70+ times, the first person they typically suspect is the spouse. Takes a lot of time to hate a person that hard. Just like it takes a lot of time to disrespect another human being that flagrantly- assuming you began from a sincere wish to honor and cherish that person anyway.

...if that wasn't the intention from the outset you've got an entirely different issue, one where that Ounce of Prevention is looking pretty damn peachy.
2012-12-27 03:21:46 PM
1 votes:

Trance354: Ditto!
Currently watching the slow and painful breakup of a girl 2 doors down and her mentally abusive live-in bf. He doesn't work. He doesn't cook. I've seen the inside of their apartment, so I know he doesn't clean. She is 3 months pregnant, and that waste of a human being is the father. Apparently he can fark, because this is not his first, and the other kids never see him, so I have the feeling that when the newborn is crying all night, someone will bail and she will not seek alimony or child support due to his lack of employment.
On a side note, she has said she wants to be free of him, and has come right out and told me she'd love to date me, a "real man." Don't know what she's looking at, cause it isn't me, but I'm almost willing to go along just to keep the baby away from that POS. And yes, she is very attractive, a lot smarter than she gives herself credit for, and can do anything she puts her mind to do, but has low self-worth due to the mental abuse from the sperm donor. I just don't know...

/She likes my cooking
//so does he, and he eats all of it
///never seen such selfish behavior


Stay
The
Fark
Away

Nothing good can come of this. This idiot woman who is putting up with the loser may want a 'real' man now, but she will change. Lets say you start dating her and get serious. You start looking after the kid. Pretty soon she will be looking for the excitement and spontaneity that an asshole boyfriend (or biatchy girlfriend) brings. You'll be the one left holding the bag and picking up the crap that falls outs. Find a sensible gal in the first place.

Thankfully I've avoided such gals through dumb luck. Some of girls I dated way back when, but left me for whatever reason, are now on husbands 3 and 4. They still lament on Facebook why then can't find a 'real' man who will give them and their kids a good stable home. Well, if they are not stable and they prefer unstable partners... good luck with that.
2012-12-27 02:58:07 PM
1 votes:

pciszek: Benni K Rok: Aside from ALL of the sound advice above, see if you can catch up with some of the other baby mammas, and get some charges pressed against him. I know of at least one other deadbeat "dad" that needs to spend some time in jail.

And yet these are the guys who are winning the reproduction game. The reason men are such jerks is that women have been selectively breeding for the traits they prefer in a sperm donor, and that seems to be what they prefer. It's like the peacock's tail.


That was going to be my response for why he should stay away from that one. People have a type they gravitate towards, and in her case it's deadbeats who treat her like shiat. She'll likely get bored quickly by a stable guy who wants a normal relationship.
2012-12-27 02:56:38 PM
1 votes:

Ohlookabutterfly: Genevieve Marie: Ohlookabutterfly: Genevieve Marie: pciszek: Genevieve Marie: Usually, in cheating situations, someone is looking for something that's missing from the relationship.

Do you similarly justify the actions of men who cheat? Just wondering.

That's why I very carefully made sure the statement was gender neutral.

Cheating is really, really hurtful and I feel terrible for anyone whose relationship ends that way, but even still- people usually act like cheating is the direct cause of breakups rather than a symptom that something was wrong in the relationship.

You must be a social worker the way you spin it so that it is the victim's fault their partner betrayed their trust and love. There is no excuse for infidelity, period. If things are so bad you must turn to someone else for sex or friendship then it's time to end the relationship.

See how I managed to keep it gender neutral too even though your bias shows in many of your previous posts?

Tell us how it is the victims fault for getting raped while you're at it.

The rape comparison is really stupid, and a little offensive.

And I'm pretty sure I said repeatedly that cheating is a horrible thing to do to someone. I just also tried to make it clear that generally, strong, solid relationships where both people are happy aren't the ones that end in cheating, and that if people want to move on to happier, better relationships, trying to figure out what really went wrong in their past ones is a good place to start.

I'm sorry you choose to feel offended but I feel the comparison is valid if a bit strong. I strongly believe in empathy and at least trying to see a disagreement from the other persons perspective but it isn't fair to say all people that are cheated on were somehow partly responsible.

I ended a horribly emotionally and verbally abusive relationship and my always tactful brother said it was my fault I was abused, I chose to stay with her. I pulled out the rape comparison then too.


And blaming someone for their own abuse would be a horrible thing to do, but infidelity is not always abuse. It can be part of a bigger pattern of emotional abuse, but it is not emotional abuse in and of itself. It's also not a crime.

And I wasn't even trying to imply that people who get cheated on are responsible for the fact that they got cheated on. I was just saying that reflecting back on the other parts of the relationship and trying to figure out what went wrong is a more productive way to move forward than clinging to bitter hatred of an ex.
2012-12-27 02:52:53 PM
1 votes:

kaseyfarksdaladies: KiwDaWabbit: corronchilejano: Trance354: ...but I'm almost willing to go along just to keep the baby away from that POS.

Don't go there dude. Nothing good comes from a broken woman in a broken relationship. Advice, help, all good, but the second you stick your dick in that, you're in for a world of abuse.

I second this. If only I would have seen this two and a half years ago.

And adding a baby into the mix?
.
No. Stop. Don't.

Thirded. I've noticed, women that have a history of being abused will turn the tables on the nice guy.


I think that's also part of the catalog of what happened to me, but not in that she became abusive.

It was much more like she became entitled and didn't show gratitude for anything (along with being physically, emotionally, and mentally detatched). I was actually the one who began saying mean-spirited things on a routine basis both out of stress and frustration (which ultimately metastasized into anger). Let me be the first to say that no one deserves written or verbal abuse. I know. Trust me, I was bad and I feel bad. I erroneously thought that I didn't have the capacity for such things and found myself acting out of character. I am addressing that now on my own.

We even did a short stint with therapy about nine months before the shiat really started to hit the fan, and I feel like it turned into two on one and that I should feel crazy for even asking for love and affection. Then, of course, I said something stupid, allowing her the chance to skip a session and then blame me because we weren't trying therapy.

Again, this is all anecdotal, but do not settle. I know it pains you to see this girl get hurt, but unless you've got a few letters behind your name, you're probably not equipped to handle her. If you want to make the judgement to get involved, by all means, get involved, but make sure that your involvement is helping her to find routes to the professionals out there who will be able to provide her with care.
2012-12-27 02:50:30 PM
1 votes:

Genevieve Marie: Ohlookabutterfly: Genevieve Marie: pciszek: Genevieve Marie: Usually, in cheating situations, someone is looking for something that's missing from the relationship.

Do you similarly justify the actions of men who cheat? Just wondering.

That's why I very carefully made sure the statement was gender neutral.

Cheating is really, really hurtful and I feel terrible for anyone whose relationship ends that way, but even still- people usually act like cheating is the direct cause of breakups rather than a symptom that something was wrong in the relationship.

You must be a social worker the way you spin it so that it is the victim's fault their partner betrayed their trust and love. There is no excuse for infidelity, period. If things are so bad you must turn to someone else for sex or friendship then it's time to end the relationship.

See how I managed to keep it gender neutral too even though your bias shows in many of your previous posts?

Tell us how it is the victims fault for getting raped while you're at it.

The rape comparison is really stupid, and a little offensive.

And I'm pretty sure I said repeatedly that cheating is a horrible thing to do to someone. I just also tried to make it clear that generally, strong, solid relationships where both people are happy aren't the ones that end in cheating, and that if people want to move on to happier, better relationships, trying to figure out what really went wrong in their past ones is a good place to start.


I'm sorry you choose to feel offended but I feel the comparison is valid if a bit strong. I strongly believe in empathy and at least trying to see a disagreement from the other persons perspective but it isn't fair to say all people that are cheated on were somehow partly responsible.

I ended a horribly emotionally and verbally abusive relationship and my always tactful brother said it was my fault I was abused, I chose to stay with her. I pulled out the rape comparison then too.
2012-12-27 02:40:52 PM
1 votes:
My ex wife seem to make farking with me a hobby of hers.
Since our divorce 12 years ago, she has:
1) Had our daughter start calling herself by the last name of her current husband
2) Tried to register the child in school under the new last name
3) Made up reasons she can't come to visit
4) Intercepted mail and phone calls so it appears as though I am not interested in seeing or communicating with our daughter
5) Scuttled a trip to Hawaii for the (legally my year) holidays
6) Waited until I was working out in the Pacific territories (mail lead time, 4-6 weeks) to file papers seeking CS adjustment that was way out of line with what I was making (ensuring I wouldn't get notices until the time to respond had passed)
7) When I returned and filed for an adjustment, made excuses to have the hearing continued for TWO FARKING YEARS just to keep the bill running up, even though it exceeded what I was making
8) Tried to have my spouse's income added in as part of my resources when it did come time for the hearing

And on, and on and on. The thing that pisses me off the most is that the courts let people get away with that kind of crap. My CS payments exceed my income. Nobody can afford an attorney when they're in that position, and she knows it and takes advantage of that fact.

I did finally get the CS adjusted, but like I said, it took 2 years, and I'm still on the hook for the balance, even though the judge did agree that I should have been paying about a quarter of that for that two years, his hands were tied due to federal laws.

My point is, the system if farked up, and if you have a vindictive ex, it can be hell for years.
Thankfully, our daughter turns 18 in a few months, and after that her mom will have no cause to screw with me anymore.
What I don't get, is why. Why would you dedicate 12 years of your life to screwing over somebody that is no longer a part of it? Maybe it's just me, I tend to pick up and move on with life when things change, and I would never screw up the relationship a child has with a parent. It doesn't make sense to me...she has a decent life now, a husband that she constantly henpecks (at least that's what I've seen the times we've been around each other) that seems happy to put up with it, a decent career, all that stuff.

/Rant off
2012-12-27 02:40:20 PM
1 votes:

Genevieve Marie: pciszek: Genevieve Marie: Usually, in cheating situations, someone is looking for something that's missing from the relationship.

Do you similarly justify the actions of men who cheat? Just wondering.

That's why I very carefully made sure the statement was gender neutral.

Cheating is really, really hurtful and I feel terrible for anyone whose relationship ends that way, but even still- people usually act like cheating is the direct cause of breakups rather than a symptom that something was wrong in the relationship.


'Cause there are no other "symptoms" that come before Cheating... like dishonesty or flagrant disrespect for the person you promised to honor and cherish...

...nnope. Sure aren't.
2012-12-27 02:40:18 PM
1 votes:

Genevieve Marie: Oh absolutely, and I'm not justifying the behavior at all or trying to insinuate that it's an acceptable way to handle things. Just saying that sometimes, reflecting on what went wrong with a little more depth than "Stupid cheating whore" is probably a good idea if someone wants to learn from past relationship mistakes. Doesn't sound like you have that issue.


Well, hopefully, I'll get to test that theory some day.

Introspection isn't a problem for me, though. I'm more at the other end of the spectrum where it becomes more of a hinderance than anything, to the point where it's not helpful at all with the all-important "meeting new people" phase.

I have been trying to read a lot and figure out the "post-mortem" of my recent break-up, if you will. From what I have gathered so far, the major themes are that I settled and I didn't enforce any boundaries.
2012-12-27 02:17:52 PM
1 votes:

KrustyKitten: Irritated that Myth #5 implys that it's always the women who get alimony.

Sometimes the exwife has to pay up too. You know, as punishment for actually have a wonderful career that she'd worked her ass of for.

There you go guys, get a great lady with a full life and career and lap it up (pun intended) until you get scared that she "doesn't need you enough", quit your job, pretend to be looking for another but really spend your time picking up chicks by telling them that your wife doesn't understand you and never has time for you (neglecting to mention it's because she's working to keep the FARKING house from going into foreclosure), leave her and sue for alimony. In California, you'll win.


It bears repeating: shiatty people aren't gender specific.
2012-12-27 01:59:08 PM
1 votes:

taurusowner: ShavedApe: This thread makes me want to get a vasectomy.

Do it. No joke. A few days on the couch playing video games and you'll feel good as new. And never be afraid of getting swindled by some chick who's biological clock made her stop taking birth control without telling you again.


Seriously... ^^^^THIS^^^^ x1000000.

Right after the procedure the doc looks at me and says "Congratulation. You just made $250000 for yourself.".

THE BEST decision I *ever* made. There is nothing quite like the look on some chick grifter's face when she pulls the "Oop! You're going to be a daddy" speach and you counter with "Ohhhhhhh... REALLY?!".
2012-12-27 01:28:09 PM
1 votes:

KiwDaWabbit: I think all too many fall into that trap of getting married and having kids...


...going to college, becoming an accountant, reading "Hunger Games"...

KiwDaWabbit: ...because it's what society dicates rather than thinking through it for five minutes and figuring out what they want.


Pretty much.

Like I said, if you ever want an excellent opportunity to reflect on just how much pressure society exerts on you in such weighty matters, just try saying "no" to one of these things.

Like I said, it's the harder decision to make, and that is mostly why. People at large tend to treat you something just short of you being clinically insane.
2012-12-27 01:27:49 PM
1 votes:

Rhino_man: Genevieve Marie: Diogenes The Cynic: Someone is defensive Genevieve

Nah, it was just a little decent advice. I actually wasn't trying to be a jerk- although I really don't overly care for the idea that women all share one crazy hive mind, and that seems to come out in Fark relationship threads.

Rhino_man: Second of all, what I learned is that I need to take the time to make sure that the woman I'm marrying isn't crazy before I marry her. True story, wife #2 had been pressuring me for about a year to be a farking polygamist because she didn't want to be alone at home while I was at work, and another wife would keep her company. The bad thing is that she started all of the crazy after it was too late... not just after the wedding, she waited until she was pregnant to go berserk.

And honestly, here's a little more decent advice: You married two women who weren't happy, and who obviously had their fair share of issues. Know what they have in common? You married both of them. At least some of that is you. And I'm really not saying that to be a jerk, or to be judgmental, or anything else. I'm just pointing out that if you want a chance to be happy in the future, an honest self-evaluation of what you've done wrong in the past is a good start. And blaming all the problems on the two women you married isn't going to help.

Advice rant off.

Every time someone starts off with "I'm not trying to sound like a jerk but..." you are being a jerk and you are aware of it. What this girl is doing to you Rhino is akin to blaming the victim of rape, period. Ther is NEVER an excuse for what your ex's did to you. I don't know her at all but I would venture a guess that Genevieve is another selfish, spoiled, white North American woman with an overblown sense of entitlement who actively takes part in the pussification of the North American male. Not every woman is like this just like not every man is physically abusive.

I finally managed to escape an abusive relationship a year ago which lasted three years. I am constntly self-reflective and tried to see if I was doing wrong to make the relationship so difficult but in the end it wasn't me. Some women are just abusive, controlling, and unable to admit fault of any kind. She had some weird form of ODD and had no idea what compromise is. She once told me out loud that if I didn't do what she said she was going to get someone bigger than me to make me. Two days later she baited me into a fight about something I did six months before that pissed her off and I left the room to hide from her. 2 hours later the RCMP show up to haul me away because she told them I yelled at her and she was afraid of me.

The third time she abused me by cop I was finally leaving and on the friday of my last weekend she went to court and got a protection order against me, cops came once more and removed me from the property forcing me to ask my 64yr old father and brother to move my stuff out because I wasn't allowed on the property. She sure made me pay for trying to leave her.

I should have never given her warning I was leaving, just disappeared when she was at work. Never laid a finger on the mean coont, actually dislike arguments and confrontation and hate what she turnd me into. So you retards that spout it takes two to tango, stfu you smarmy self-righteous pricks. Women are equally as guilty of abusing their partners IF NOT MORE with all your stupid selfish shiat.

/now in a relationship with a gentle caring woman who also has ADHD and she takes all the love I have to give and returns it ten-fold. I can be the good man I know I am with her and it feels great.

2012-12-27 12:51:48 PM
1 votes:

Trance354: Iceman_Cometh: Real Women Drink Akvavit: Luckily (in a strange way), my ex tried to kill me, so I didn't have to pay alimony. He was in prison. YAY!

I am known for my poor decisions when it comes to men, that's why I finally just took some time off and said "no more dating, die alone, you stupid, chubby biatch". Now I have my first date in years, coming up New Year's Eve. I am being very, very cautious with this one, and he knows it. When I asked him out today (yes, I got brave!) we had lunch together and talked for a couple hours. We're both pretty battered by our pasts, but we both gave it a rest for a long time, so he's being cautious as well. I think that's a good thing. I also think it's a good sign that once the ice was broken we were able to be so open and honest with each other. At least I hope it is a good sign, otherwise I'll lose faith in myself completely. I just started regaining it after years of solitude, so I really don't want to lose it again.

*fingers crossed*

Good Luck!

Ditto!
Currently watching the slow and painful breakup of a girl 2 doors down and her mentally abusive live-in bf. He doesn't work. He doesn't cook. I've seen the inside of their apartment, so I know he doesn't clean. She is 3 months pregnant, and that waste of a human being is the father. Apparently he can fark, because this is not his first, and the other kids never see him, so I have the feeling that when the newborn is crying all night, someone will bail and she will not seek alimony or child support due to his lack of employment.
On a side note, she has said she wants to be free of him, and has come right out and told me she'd love to date me, a "real man." Don't know what she's looking at, cause it isn't me, but I'm almost willing to go along just to keep the baby away from that POS. And yes, she is very attractive, a lot smarter than she gives herself credit for, and can do anything she puts her mind to do, but has low self-worth due to the mental abuse from the sperm donor. I just don't know...

/She likes my cooking
//so does he, and he eats all of it
///never seen such selfish behavior


While others have already said it, I still feel the need to reinforce what they've said.

Back away. Seriously.
2012-12-27 12:48:59 PM
1 votes:

vudukungfu: littlett's: I love the fact that it is pretty much always the woman's fault too.


shiatty people aren't gender specific.
2012-12-27 12:46:46 PM
1 votes:

littlett's: I love the fact that it is pretty much always the woman's fault too.


In my case, the female lawyer I hired and the female judge who heard the case granted me a TRO in 5 minutes time and the female bailiff was smiling as she dragged my ex out of the courtroom.

I got to put a live round inbetween the ex's knees as a warning shot 4 days later when she showed up with a guy and a truck to burglarize my house, since she thought I was at my father's funeral. State police were so happy for her that she called to report it, that they gave her an extra week in jail and yes, I did press charges.

Karma kicked her sorry ass to the gutter and she has 5 adorable crack babbys now. None mine.

SO the whole gender thing? If she's a sonuvabiaotch, she's going down.
2012-12-27 12:38:51 PM
1 votes:

taurusowner: farkin_noob: /My sisters were pissed because I didn't make him pay child support for a kid that wasn't his.

No offense to you or your family as a whole, but your sisters should be put against a wall and shot.


I take no offense. My sisters are crazy biatches. Being the youngest of six girls means they got all the crazy. ;-)
2012-12-27 12:35:45 PM
1 votes:

SkunkWerks: doing it

Optimus Composite: Today after work I'm going to stop off for a pizza and a few beers, I dare one of the married men to do that without their wife's permission and see how that works out for you.

I should have amended that, it should have said "try doing that without telling your wife". My point was that when you're married every decision, literally every decision you make, from where to go on vacation from where to go for dinner, has to be run by and cleared by another person. Do you honestly believe you can stop somewhere on your way home and eat something without calling her first and running it by her? And to that guy who said his wife usually joins him, what if you told her, don't bother, I'd rather be alone right now. We both know that would go over as well as a fart in a crowded elevator.


You know what? Making that call is totally worth it to me.
If it's not for you, that is fine. But don't think you know what other people want and that they are missing out on something because they are married (or in a married like relationship).
My wife is awesome and we are both very busy, any time I get to sit with her, hangout, and eat a pizza is a plus -- something I would look forward to.
If you are someone who would rather eat a pizza alone than with the woman you truly love, than that's cool. Eat that pizza. Marriage is not for you... and CERTAINLY, if you want to just stop off on the way home without telling anyone, fatherhood is very much not for you -- but that's okay. There is nothing wrong with that (unless, of course, you are anyone's father). Just don't think you know that everyone feels the way that you do. I don't miss being alone with that pizza one bit.
There is not one second of any day that I think that I would be better off or happier if I were not married.
2012-12-27 12:26:33 PM
1 votes:

mikefinch: Don't associate with people who are prone to drama.


i.imgur.com

Married young and still together after 27 mostly good years; currently pretty happy with each other and the comfort and security a longterm strategic alliance brings. A long marriage is like a phoenix bird: every ten years or so it goes up in flames and you have to rebuild from the ashes. Choose a solid & mentally healthy partner you can do this with.
2012-12-27 12:21:20 PM
1 votes:

willfullyobscure: mikefinch: willfullyobscure: this entire thread smells like ballsack and Cheetos. ought to be a sign out front that says STINKY GURLS NOT ALOWD.

It's like going to the zoo but instead of tigers and monkeys you get to peer into the lives of sad crazy people.

I like it.


But seriously, this can't be a healthy place for any female, whatever the status of their relationship, the entire thing is a snowball of misogyny and fingerpointing and dudes that probably should be in prison boasting about how they put their ex wives in the poor house out of spite. brrr. creep-tastic.


Women are more than welcome to complain about their ex-spouses here, I know i would like to hear more. And I disagree with your assement of most of the guys here. Unless they were genuinely being abusive or cheating themselves, nothing justifies getting cheated on.
2012-12-27 12:06:46 PM
1 votes:

gingerjet: Hagenhatesyouall: Marriage stopped making sense a long time ago.

Just because you had a bitter painful experience with marriage and are now living with your parents doesn't mean its not right for others.

/gay
//can't get married in the state where I'm in


I'm sorry to hear you can't get married as you wish to, and of course it's wrong that it's that way, but there are legitimate reasons that marriage is becoming an outdated model of companionship.

One reason, for example, is that lifespans are radically different now (even compared to 100 years ago). People who get married now (as opposed to then) can expect to be together much, much longer- which could present all sorts of problems in a marriage that didn't exist back then (even psychologically- knowing you're going to have to put up with someone's little ticks or annoyances for a long time.)

Another way to think of it is that the state shouldn't really continue to use what was originally a religious ceremony to recognize companionship, as you should be able to have the fulfillment of living with someone you love without having to get an accomplishment slip from the government that gives you preferential treatment over people who haven't.

/Ever read or seen Freakonomics? This is kinda like the correlation that was found between the abillity to have abortions and the drop in violent crime rates- its possible they are connected because women who didn't want to have children, and therefore were less likely to raise healthy, mentally stable kids, were able to not have them.)
2012-12-27 12:03:28 PM
1 votes:

corronchilejano: Trance354: ...but I'm almost willing to go along just to keep the baby away from that POS.

Don't go there dude. Nothing good comes from a broken woman in a broken relationship. Advice, help, all good, but the second you stick your dick in that, you're in for a world of abuse.


I second this. If only I would have seen this two and a half years ago.

And adding a baby into the mix?
.
No. Stop. Don't.
2012-12-27 11:23:56 AM
1 votes:
American women are useless whores, they're good for a fark but that's it.
2012-12-27 11:09:39 AM
1 votes:
why live with a selfish shiat?

/life is short
2012-12-27 10:57:14 AM
1 votes:
I like the structure of this article. I think I will copy it. Here are my top three myths about wood:

#1: Wood comes from trees

Not so! According to Dr. Steven Baumgartner, botanist and author of Where Does Wood Come From?, "It's trees. Wood comes from trees. How do you not know this?"


#2: North America contains over 15% of the entire world's forest area

Actually, North America contains 17% of the entire world's forest area according to the Commission for Environmental Cooperation


#3: Allowing wood to dry, or "season", before burning reduces smokiness and heat output.

Jenna Harper, who writes a blog on MySpace called "How to Make a Fire!", notes that if you chop your own wood, you may want to get a good head start. "Don't try to burn unseasoned wood," she said. "It's smoky and doesn't burn very well."


There you have it! Myths -- DEBUNKED!!!!
2012-12-27 10:48:54 AM
1 votes:

Optimus Composite: The only thing I learned from my parents divorce, after 30 years of marriage, was never get married. This idea has been confirmed to me by every older married guy I ever met. They all say the same thing, "don't do it, it turns to crap no matter what you do, at best it's a tedious bore, at worst it's a living hell with financial ruin thrown in for good measure." I see friends who are married and they're all miserable, both spouses in every marriage have gained significant weight, after a few drinks they privately tell me their sex life sucks, one said it's like being in prison with a big fat cellmate who doesn't want to have sex with you.

Today after work I'm going to stop off for a pizza and a few beers, I dare one of the married men to do that without their wife's permission and see how that works out for you. If you get married once, fine, you were in love, or thought you were. If you get divorced and then marry again, you have a concussion.


I don't get that last statement, if I want to do that all I do is tell her what I'm doing and she if she wants to meet me or bring her anything. She doesn't get mad and frequently joins me so I have no frame of reference you speak of, hell one time I stopped at Hooters to grab a bite since it was flooding outside and traffic going home sucked. She called after about an hour to see if I had left yet, when I told her I was just walking out she told me to go back inside and she would be there in a minute.

Maybe I am spoiled like my friends keep saying.....
2012-12-27 10:46:47 AM
1 votes:
Husband #1- I was 20, he was 22, and while he was definitely an oddball from an oddball family, I thought I could handle it. I had been in a severe car accident when we first moved in together, and had no choice but to rely on him for help for the most basic stuff, which I guess built up this need to control in him. I went with it, thinking that my willing to compromise on everything meant we had a good relationship, never mind that when he wanted something, he got it, or there was hell to pay. I wasn't allowed to see my family, I wasn't allowed to spend time with my friends, I wasn't allowed to leave the house without permission or stay out too late without checking in. I started closing up emotionally and distancing myself when I told him I wanted to spend a few days with my friends out of state, and he absolutely flipped out, and the verbal and emotional abuse started. Suddenly, I was a mean-spirited, hateful, selfish biatch for daring to want to spend time away from him, and he began to use the threat of divorce if I didn't fall back in line. For months, I wasn't allowed to go anywhere without him accompanying me, not even to the classes I was taking at the local community college.

The following year, I wound up pregnant, and not long after miscarried. His response was to start sleeping with one of the two friends I'd made at college, since obviously I was defective, but he was too fond of me to divorce me. His plan was to keep us both, since he saw no reason why he couldn't 'share his love.' We started arguing a lot, and he'd guilt me and argue that I was hateful and just jealous because he found someone else to love like he loved me. He only ever got physical once, but by that point I was scared to death of him and had such low self-esteem that I gave up fighting. I very nearly ate a bullet because I couldn't see a way out, and I still don't know what made me instead grab the phone and call my dad, but I'm glad I did- he drove up a few days later to help me move out completely and let me move in with him to try and get back on my feet. I haven't heard from ex #1 since.

Husband #2- I was stupid with this one. He was a former friend of the first ex, and I'd only been divorced a few months when he gave me some tips on job leads up in his area. I packed up and moved to southern Missouri where he was, and found work immediately, and he let me stay at his place outside of town. Almost immediately it became twisted, he confessed he'd had a crush on me for a few years, and didn't want to say anything, but once I was there it was very heavily implied that I owed him. We eloped, because at the time I didn't think anyone would want someone as messed up as me, and this was all I deserved. I ended up being the sole provider, because he preferred to spend his paycheck on the latest electronic toys, so I had to pay the bills, the car notes, the feed for the livestock, plus still make sure everything was fed before I came inside to cook dinner, do laundry, clean the house, everything he wouldn't do. I started to get angry at the situation, at myself for letting it all happen, at him for being a lazy, entitled douche, and mentally kicking myself for just being so stupid.

We ended up moving back to my parents because he quit his job making more than I did because they had him scanning and filing paperwork, which he couldn't stand. That lasted all of 2 months, when he quit working with my dad once I got my job, on top of his constant threats to move back to Missouri because God forbid he actually was expected to follow the house rules and not badmouth my stepmom on Facebook. He finally got a job in New Orleans, which was a 2 hour daily drive, and then decided at the dinner table one night that it was the perfect time to tell me I had to choose between him and my family. It's been 14 months since I last saw him.

Now, I've been living alone for the first time in a decade, working a job I enjoy, and just figuring out who I am and what I want to do with my life. I'm just beginning to date again, but so far it's nothing serious. I never intend on marrying again though, that's for damn sure.

/2013 should be interesting
//Jeebus I type a lot
2012-12-27 10:35:54 AM
1 votes:

Optimus Composite: One said it's like being in prison with a big fat cellmate who doesn't want to have sex with you.


Forget marriage, that's what my last relationship was like.

/And then I found out she was a sex addict who has taken money for sex.
2012-12-27 10:25:21 AM
1 votes:
My parents divorced when I was ten. I'm thirty seven now, never married. If you're thinking of getting married, don't. There's around a seventy five to eighty percent chance she will file (it's nearly impossible to get accurate percentages regarding divorce because, unlike criminal cases, their kept sealed from the public) and when she does, she has the power of the state behind her. She'll win custody. Estimates as upwards of ninety eight percent of all children are granted to the mom and the child support you'll pay is based on what you're making now, if anything. However, if your making thirty thousand now and suddenly land a higher paying job, those payments are adjusted. If you then lose that job and end up on the street, the payment rates never go down, they stay the same and depending on how much you owe her, you could end up in jail or prison.

And you're kids end up being twisted, emasculated drug addicts.

Have a nice day.
2012-12-27 10:15:40 AM
1 votes:
Oh and as someone from divorced parents, staying together for the "kids" is moronic, 90% of the time the kids know the parents are miserable.

My sister and I knew our parents were tired of each others crap years before they got divorced.
2012-12-27 10:15:26 AM
1 votes:

tom baker's scarf: taurusowner: tom baker's scarf: She has a bad case of "If I think life should be a certain way then reality must conform to make my vision true."

So she's a woman?

well everyone suffers once and a while suffers from "It made sense to me, why didn't everyone else see it?" syndrome. That's just part of being human. the ex elevates it to an (dark) art. When other people fall victim to their own beliefs they have a tendency to, at some level, say "That didn't work out. Maybe my idea was inherently flawed?" Sometimes the answer is that it didn't work out because life doesn't always work out and there wasn't anything you could do about it. However, if it NEVER works out then you should probably start thinking about the common element in all your failed plans. That second part is the leap she can't quite make, again in no small part due to low self esteem/daddy issues.


Just out of curiosity, but do you know if your ex was really hot in high school and college? it seems women who grew into adulthood as very attractive young women get so used to men doing everything they can for them, that the attitude sticks with them for life. Even if they get old and nasty, gaining that "well OF COURSE everyone around me should do what I like because I'm pretty" attitude early in life seems to really set in and cause all sorts of problems later on when they're expected to act like an equal half of a relationship with a man, You're right that not all women are like this all the time, but I think that the hotter they were when they were younger, the more likely it is. They learn early what it's like to be treated like a princess and how to manipulate men, and they never want to give it up, even when it causes misery and disaster.
2012-12-27 10:02:21 AM
1 votes:
Divorce was sprung on me the day after New Years, because if we didn't get divorced she would wind up sleeping around, her words not mine. Said she wanted to live for herself (pour ma gueule she said in french) and do things her way. I had always been under the assumption that we already were. Divorce was the right thing, probably at the wrong time, at least it was for me and my daughter. I pay way too much child support compared to what is considered normal here. When she asked for more money I told her to fark off, and that if she pressed me on it I would simply leave this country, and she would get nothing(her family is loaded). I only stayed/stay as I grew up without my parents, and I intend to always be there for my daughter, but I will no longer be pushed into paying more.
Never thought I would get married again, then I met a wonderful women from Illinois, living in Paris, what are the odds? Wedding is planned for next year
2012-12-27 09:33:17 AM
1 votes:
100 % of all divorces start in marriage..
2012-12-27 09:06:20 AM
1 votes:

JesusJuice: Ex-wife started making noise about alimony and taking the house. I threatened to sue for custody of her daughter from a previous marriage. She stopped pursuing alimony, and I got the house. There's no room for honor in a divorce.


Well there is no room to be stupid but if you have kids being openly mean and petty will bite you in the tush. If you can stay calm while the ex is losing their shiat the kids (and friends/family) really start to see the hidden dynamics. Our ten year old picked up on the situation. One day she commented that it seemed strange that mommy wanted a divorce because she so unhappy and angry now.
2012-12-27 08:29:46 AM
1 votes:
11 years married to a california delta-trash princess
she never left the sofa, never wanted to evolve beyond where she grew up
(even had me turn down a job in hawaii)
daddy issues led her to farking a string of 60+y/o men

didn't kill her

I'm 3000 miles away from it,
got a 200 pound mastiff at home who thinks I'm awesome
a best pal who joined me to run with the bulls in july
a gal I dated 20 years ago who loves me to death (and digs chicks)
I've done more, and gone more places even just in the last year..than in 11 years of marriage

marriage can be awesome
divorce can be spectacular

I really feel for you poor bastardos who are stuck in misery
or paying vaginamony to someone you would happily bury alive
raise a glass for you
one day you'll be free
2012-12-27 08:28:11 AM
1 votes:

Tat'dGreaser: I love divorce threads on Fark

"Oh man that b*tch was crazy! She really screwed me over"

"Well what was she like before you married her?"

"Well she f*cked all of my friends, stabbed me and emptied my bank account but I was getting laid so I proposed"


My divorce was the opposite, nobody got screwed figuratively or literally. Our lives just grew apart and we were living like roommates so we pulled the plug. Whole divorce cost about $500.
2012-12-27 08:18:35 AM
1 votes:

Christian Bale: Myth #6: The mother almost always gets custody of the children.

Legally, though, that's not the case....The best interest of the child also could preclude a mom from gaining custody, says Dr. Tessina. If a judge doesn't deem that the mother meets the state's standards for being a fit parent, she won't be awarded primary custody. If both parents are fit to raise the child, they're typically granted shared custody.

So in other words, the mother doesn't always get custody of the children, but she almost always gets custody of the children. Busted yet another myth!


I came here to address this point as well. The article basically says that is the woman is not deemed insane by the state, she will get custody. I find that to be true in my experience as well. I suppose it is a myth that I always use 87 Octane gas then because a couple of times a year I put premium in.
2012-12-27 08:00:25 AM
1 votes:
While mine was a 'long term' marriage (in NC) she got one of the houses (McMansion) the kids, my 1/2 of the business, 1/2 of 70% of my money markets/401K/etc (her attorney forgot the other ones - oops) and I have the satisfaction of sleeping in a real bed for the first time in 4 years, can watch/do/say whatever I want and have iron-clad faith that despite the coldest, loneliness night of my future life, it will still be more comforting, satisfying and warm that trying to poke that dried, smokey husky a Brillo pad that had once been a vagina... nor will I miss her 'Stevie Wonder', areola s as large as slices of fried bologna or the endless options of either missionary position, missionary position or missionary position.

Oh - and I finally found (albeit temporary) a woman that absolutely loved to schtup and finally FINALLY got a hummer - first one since 1989 - but I got one orally fixated, swimmer slurping woman - so I know they're out there.
2012-12-27 07:21:09 AM
1 votes:
I love divorce threads on Fark

"Oh man that b*tch was crazy! She really screwed me over"

"Well what was she like before you married her?"

"Well she f*cked all of my friends, stabbed me and emptied my bank account but I was getting laid so I proposed"
2012-12-27 07:01:52 AM
1 votes:
Had an amicable divorce. We both changed in the years after marriage and there was no way it was going to work. Fortunately there was no fighting and no kids which made it much simpler.
We both moved on quickly and I was reminded of that when yesterday I got a text meant for his girlfriend. That was awkward.
Lucky for me the only thing we still share is a dog. The ex isn't a bad guy but we weren't gonna work out. Wish we had split sooner.
2012-12-27 06:50:06 AM
1 votes:
cdn.motinetwork.net

/oblig
2012-12-27 05:49:18 AM
1 votes:

Diogenes The Cynic: Someone is defensive Genevieve


Nah, it was just a little decent advice. I actually wasn't trying to be a jerk- although I really don't overly care for the idea that women all share one crazy hive mind, and that seems to come out in Fark relationship threads.

Rhino_man: Second of all, what I learned is that I need to take the time to make sure that the woman I'm marrying isn't crazy before I marry her. True story, wife #2 had been pressuring me for about a year to be a farking polygamist because she didn't want to be alone at home while I was at work, and another wife would keep her company. The bad thing is that she started all of the crazy after it was too late... not just after the wedding, she waited until she was pregnant to go berserk.


And honestly, here's a little more decent advice: You married two women who weren't happy, and who obviously had their fair share of issues. Know what they have in common? You married both of them. At least some of that is you. And I'm really not saying that to be a jerk, or to be judgmental, or anything else. I'm just pointing out that if you want a chance to be happy in the future, an honest self-evaluation of what you've done wrong in the past is a good start. And blaming all the problems on the two women you married isn't going to help.

Advice rant off.
2012-12-27 05:47:04 AM
1 votes:

serial_crusher: A dude i used to work with moved to Texas from Colorado specifically to take advantage of the divorce laws.


How's that work? You have to move there before you get divorced for it to work, and both of you have to move. "Honey, we're moving to Texas so I can divorce you."
2012-12-27 05:40:23 AM
1 votes:

Smirky the Wonder Chimp: Sometimes there's being alone with someone.


We have a winner. That is the worst feeling in the world, my friend.
2012-12-27 05:38:33 AM
1 votes:

Genevieve Marie: Rhino_man: So now I'm 25, working on divorce #2, and I haven't seen my daughter in almost a month because her coont of a mother decided she needed to move to another state and stop answering my calls.

Women.

First of all, two women probably don't constitute a representative sample of of half the world's population.

Second of all... if you came out of two bad marriages that ended the same way with the idea that they ended badly because women are bad, you didn't learn anything. You might want to spend a little time reflecting on your own contributions to making the relationships unhappy. Takes two, etc.


Someone is defensive Genevieve
2012-12-27 05:23:53 AM
1 votes:

From the abyssal chaos of despair and rage, I summon forth the manifestation of marital fury.

i.imgur.com

Arise, KrispyKritter.
2012-12-27 04:44:23 AM
1 votes:

Greywar: Lets see...
Divorce #1
Divorce #2
Divorce #3


Dude. You're supposed to get with the hot crazy chicks, and fark them silly... not MARRY them.
2012-12-27 04:14:03 AM
1 votes:
My not-so-cool story brah...

My ex fell in love with our WoW guild leader. She was 31, he was 22. We lived in NH, he lived in Florida. I quit WoW when I saw how addicted we were and the kids weren't getting taken care of. I'd come home at from work to find the kids hadn't eaten and were still in the same diapers from the morning. And I thought it was just the game that sucked her in.

Then I found the 72 pages of chat logs from her instant messenger on her computer. Took a copy. Confronted her. She said she'd rather be with him (never met face to face) then me and the kids. Moved back in with my parents (and the three kids) that day. 2 days later, she hands me a notarized letter assigning full custody. 2 months later, she took off for Florida.

I have full custody, no alimony (I was making all the money, she was a stay at home mom. Plus, she stopped home schooling them and didn't tell me. Made stuff up that the kids "worked on" each day. I ended up enrolling them in one school before we moved out and had to move them to a new school.) She didn't show up for a single divorce hearing. Never hired a lawyer. Signed whatever we put in front of her. All the court would assign however is $300/month TOTAL (not for each kid) that she pays in support.

She's remarried with 2 kids and still can't take care of them. I'm married now to the girl that beat me up in sixth grade. I refused to hit her back. She remembered that. Yes, she does loan me my spine and scrotum from time to time.

And I'm ok with that. She cares more about my kids than their mother does.

Lots of f'd up details being intentionally left out. But you get the gist.

And the bs about dads getting the kids... NEVER happens in this state. I have lawyers and state legislators who have asked me how the hell I did it, because it's so uncommon. My lawyer was worth every penny. She knew how to write things up so that the kids will stay with me and make it very hard for my ex to challenge.

Gotta go now... kids will be up soon and I love hanging out with them in the mornings when I work from home.
2012-12-27 04:12:35 AM
1 votes:

hubiestubert: Divorce is ugly, but it's survivable.


Thank you for this whole post. I'm going through an amicable divorce right now, but I'm still depressed and scared to death about how to deal with the future.

It's hard to have a whole lot of confidence when your husband walks out ...
2012-12-27 04:09:16 AM
1 votes:
Perspective from the other end of "staying together for the kids": never tell one of the kids in question that you were actually going to divorce a few years in, but then decided to have her instead, giving you an incentive to stay together. Only to have an oops baby five years later, and ended up suddenly divorcing five years after that. After having kept up a front of reasonably happy domestic bliss the whole time so that the kids had no idea why it happened until it happened.

I mean, you can do that shiat, but don't tell the kids any of it. Or tell them all of it. Just don't keep up the front unless you plan to stick with it.

/almost 30
//still confused about the whole thing
2012-12-27 04:05:05 AM
1 votes:

starsrift: I've given up. But I don't have a sour ex story to tell. Sure, I could tell a few entertaining/horror tales, but in the end, it's always been me.

Honestly, I'm just not that into relationships. Things go okay, then I start withdrawing, because I love making things and I'd rather do that than spend time with someone. Things that are not children. Computer programs, generally, but other things too - food, clothes, whatever. I enjoy it more than sex. Often less messy, too.


Set the boundaries early and do so with at least a handful of partners. You'll have a harem and won't get distracted from your true love. Perfect
2012-12-27 03:28:19 AM
1 votes:

Christian Bale: So, three myths out of seven were debunked. Pretty good job, Yahoo!, pretty good.


"You know what Yahoo... we're going to hang this article right on the fridge. Now grandma will see it when she visits! You want some milk?"
2012-12-27 03:09:11 AM
1 votes:

kremvax: cheap_thoughts: I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.

as someone in that situation - wtf exactly do you suggest? I don't want to ever be away from my kid, but marriage is pretty miserable (I suspect it's not for me in general).


Honestly, I grew up on a house where I would have preferred if my Dad divorced my Mom. I love them both... but he should have. The SO's parents divorced his freshman year of college (bonus they married really young) and he wished they had done it years earlier when the writing was on the wall.

If your kids are really young it's one thing. If they're past say 12 IMHO it's worse to put on a happy face when reality is not only stupidly obvious but also affecting their lives as well.

I really wish my Mom got a desperately needed wake up call and my Dad got a chance to be happier. It still would have sucked but in the long run...
2012-12-27 03:01:37 AM
1 votes:
My ex wasn't mean spirited...just a cheating whore who used my at the time very limited pot smoking ( once or twice a month) to divorce me when in reality she was sleeping around behind my back and shortly after the divorce was finalized o.d.ed on meth had a seizure and did a face plant into a coffee table at a party. No kids and at the time very few possessions she could have taken so the divorce cost me nothing.
2012-12-27 03:01:04 AM
1 votes:
I didn't get married but unfortunately in Canada breaking up after being considered common law is pretty much the same as a divorce in terms of what you could be entitled to pay and you are considered common law after living together for a year. So yeah Canada kind of sucks.
2012-12-27 02:51:31 AM
1 votes:
If you have never been married, don't give up hope because of what you read here. Being married can be really fulfilling. On those days where you feel that nothing is going right, it sure is nice to have someone to offer you words of encouragement and support. If you ever feel sorry for yourself, it's great to have someone who can remind you of all of the good things in your life. And while you don't need a marriage certificate to have this kind of relationship, it certainly works for the millions of couples who've gone through it.

/married 19 years, together for 5 years before marriage
//neither of us has ever brought up the possibility of divorce in our relationship
///we do argue, but we never fight "dirty"
2012-12-27 02:50:33 AM
1 votes:

Christian Bale: Article is poorly researched and written terribly, let's face it.


I'll give you that one. It's a terrible article.

And man, I always hate going to the weddings where it's obvious to everyone that the wedding is a terrible idea. I've seen a few in the last couple of years.
2012-12-27 02:50:18 AM
1 votes:
hubiestubert:
That was incredibly wise. Thanks for that.
2012-12-27 02:46:24 AM
1 votes:

kremvax: cheap_thoughts: I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.

as someone in that situation - wtf exactly do you suggest? I don't want to ever be away from my kid, but marriage is pretty miserable (I suspect it's not for me in general).


Divorce. Not ever wanting to be away from your kid isn't healthy.
2012-12-27 02:39:45 AM
1 votes:

MrSteve007: After the divorce, I was made partner at the company and bought myself a sailboat. It's much cheaper than a wife, and gets me a lot more sexy time too.


If it flies, floats or farks it is always cheaper to rent.
2012-12-27 02:37:33 AM
1 votes:

Christian Bale: So in other words, the mother doesn't always get custody of the children, but she almost always gets custody of the children. Busted yet another myth!


It then goes on to say that if both parents are considered fit, then joint custody is typically awarded.
2012-12-27 02:36:01 AM
1 votes:
I liked my ex. We were friends. We talked about the kid when we needed, not much contact other than that - but I always thought he was a good guy. A good dad.

Almost 3 months ago he got a job transfer about 2 hours away. I knew it would suck at first, my kid not getting to spend a few weekends a month with his brothers (her 2 and their 1 - all good kids) - but we would make it work.

He's called twice since then. Nothing in the last 2 months. His mom swears he's fine and she has no idea what's happening. He's 12. He stopped asking about a month ago and he doesn't say much about it. I now hate him with the fire of a thousand suns...our son is a good kid, and he didn't deserve this.
2012-12-27 02:29:43 AM
1 votes:
Myth #1: One in two marriages ends in divorce.

...A more accurate divorce rate for American marriages ranges from 40% to 50%.



Ah, so it might be only as high as 50%. How does the outrageous "1 in 2" myth ever persist ?!!!
2012-12-27 02:23:37 AM
1 votes:
As someone who recently ended an engagement, I can say at least we didn't go through with it before calling it off.

I'm a 31 year old dude and I'll probably never get married, and I'm ok with that.
2012-12-27 02:22:20 AM
1 votes:

wildcardjack: The problem is biatches be crazy.


...and file 2/3's of all divorces.
2012-12-27 02:21:28 AM
1 votes:
Things I got in the divorce:

-the house
-my truck
-my motorcycle
-my restored mustang
-my retirement accounts

Things she got:
-her Pruis (which she wrecked two weeks after I filed)
-her piles of credit card debt (which she hid from me before and during the marriage)

The courts don't take too well to women hiding debt, and then admitting to it. Thank FSM we had agreed to keep 50% of our take-home income in separate accounts for personal expenses. That officailly made anything purchased with the money "separate" property. Mine went to toys, and paying down the mortgage, most of hers secretly went to cover her interest payments (it costs quite a bit to pay $20k of debt at 30% interest).

After the divorce, I was made partner at the company and bought myself a sailboat. It's much cheaper than a wife, and gets me a lot more sexy time too.
2012-12-27 02:08:31 AM
1 votes:

hubiestubert: Chances are, you're going to f*ck up that Boobies divorce relationship.


Never divorce the boobies
2012-12-27 12:46:30 AM
1 votes:
I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.
 
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