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(Yahoo)   To the left: Seven myths about divorce. To the right: bitter anecdotes about your meanspirited ex-spouses   (shine.yahoo.com) divider line 430
    More: Interesting, divorce rates, primary caregiver, civil laws, divorces  
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19921 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Dec 2012 at 2:06 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-12-26 07:52:18 PM
The only good thing I got from the state of North Carolina was the divorce laws.

/no alimony
 
2012-12-26 09:35:55 PM
No alimony, no child support for kids that weren't mine. Didn't even have to pay any court fees or pay for a lawyer.

/God bless divorce laws in Texas!
 
2012-12-26 09:44:58 PM
You don't even have to go to court in Minnesota... I mailed in the notarized papers and a month later got a response from the courts saying a judge approved the divorce.
 
2012-12-26 10:26:22 PM
Divorce is ugly, but it's survivable.

The thing about it, is that it erodes confidence in your decision making capabilities. It shatters your conceptions of what you think you want. It means that what you thought you wanted, wasn't. It takes time to get over. It takes time to get your groove back. It changes said groove, or at least, if you're smart, it should.

You took someone into your life, and you swore before God and your family and friends that THIS was the one. And it wasn't. That means, if you're smart, you take a few to consider what you really wanted. What went wrong. What you missed. What you glossed over. What mistakes YOU made. There is plenty of time for recrimination, but if you're smart, take some time to figure YOUR sh*t out. Anger, recrimination, and the rest, those are natural, but at the end of things, you have to figure out your own culpability, or you're going to make the same damn mistakes again.

That means that maybe, just maybe, you don't date for a bit. And accept that the first time you do, that it's going to be a bit rocky, on your part. In part because you're out of practice, in part because no matter how ready you think you are, you're probably not. Chances are, you're going to f*ck up that Boobies divorce relationship. Don't pin your hopes and dreams on that one, because it's for practice. If the gal or guy you're dating post divorce is smart will realize this, and give you some space, and will be understanding. Chances are, you're going to screw it up by expecting things to be easy, and that you're ready. You probably won't be, and you'll realize that fairly soon. It's a learning curve. You may get lucky. You may be amazingly lucky, or you may find someone who realizes that you're damaged goods and is patient and decent, but the odds aren't great for that. Especially if they're post divorce too. Understand that going in. If and when it falls apart, you can't let that shake you back down to the core, but learn from it. And hopefully, be smart enough to stay friends with this person, because you owe them a lot.

The thing about divorce is, that it's like a cycle of addiction. You get out, and you are immediately set back emotionally to the place you were when you started the whole shebang. If that was a relationship you started in college, boy howdy, you are in for a rude awakening. Common wisdom says the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone, and in part, that can be true, but it's real hard on the folks you date. If you don't want to be an asshat, you might want to check that impulse, because these are real people, and they have feelings, and as screwed up as you are probably going to be for awhile, you might want to get back down to some hardcore YOU time. Taking time after you split is natural. It's time to reflect. Time to get your sh*t together. I urge you to do exactly that, so you do less damage. To yourself. To others.

There IS a good side. You learn a lot about yourself after a divorce. And during a divorce. You can take those lessons and do something constructive, or you can bury them and continue the cycles that got you into the mess in the first place. That is the route that most folks take, and it takes some time to master. You don't have to be a monk, but maybe take some time to figure out what you really want, and where you screwed up. And be honest about it. Not just with your partners, but with yourself. It probably means confronting some ugly sh*t about yourself. What your illusions were going into things. What your expectations were vs reality. It ain't easy. It IS worth the time you spend getting your head and heart right.

Not every relationship post divorce is going to be serious. Heck, it's probably a good idea to have something entirely casual, so you don't try to replace ONE serious relationship with another, because that is an ugly road, and it hangs a LOT of baggage on the new one. Let the new ones be their own thing. Celebrate those things. Celebrate the new. The new relationship. The new trust you have in yourself. The new person. The new road you're taking. Be careful, be honest, and don't try to force relationships into being something they ain't. That goes for any break up, but marriage is special in that you had all these dreams of getting old with someone that didn't pan out, and that rocks you. It's supposed to. If it doesn't, then there is something wrong. You might want to ponder that a moment, and figure out what that is, and THEN move on, otherwise you're going to wind up making the same damn mistakes. In choosing partners. In dealing with partners. In dealing with the relationship in general.

There is life after divorce, and even great times ahead, but you need to consider some things before getting back out there. Do that, and take the time to ponder a bit, and you'll be better for it. Swears.
 
2012-12-26 10:29:23 PM

Pokey.Clyde: No alimony, no child support for kids that weren't mine. Didn't even have to pay any court fees or pay for a lawyer.

/God bless divorce laws in Texas!


A dude i used to work with moved to Texas from Colorado specifically to take advantage of the divorce laws.

/someone else's cool story bro
 
2012-12-27 12:00:47 AM

hubiestubert: Divorce is ugly, but it's survivable. Bunch of words


Your advice is probably much better than mine. I moved 700 miles away from the ex to advance my career and put some distance between me and the ex so I wouldn't be tempted to burn her house down. The career thing worked wonderfully and I was making way too much money for a man that was as damaged as I was. I intentionally went full manwhore and adopted the 10 year rule. I would not entertain dating any woman that was not at least 10 years younger than me. I told every woman girl I was hanging out with that it was not exclusive and there were others. It's amazing what women will put up with when you are completely honest about what an asshole you are. My wife was as broken as I was and I really didn't see it. After many over the top crazy life events we found a way to fix each other. I'm sure it sounds like the most unstable marriage one could imagine. But it is the exact opposite. I will be faithful to her the rest of my days and do not have the slightest doubt she will do the dame.

/don't be like me kids. It was a hard road.
 
2012-12-27 12:46:30 AM
I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.
 
2012-12-27 02:08:31 AM

hubiestubert: Chances are, you're going to f*ck up that Boobies divorce relationship.


Never divorce the boobies
 
2012-12-27 02:10:11 AM
You wanna know why divorce is expensive?

Because it's f*cking worth it.
 
2012-12-27 02:10:13 AM
Nothing in there about how young marriage=higher chance of divorce?

Or how having divorced parents decreases one's chances of having a successful marriage?
 
2012-12-27 02:11:31 AM
FTA:

Myth 1 Headline: One in two marriages ends in divorce.
Myth 1 Body: A more accurate divorce rate for American marriages ranges from 40% to 50%

Uhhh...that's probably not how I would lead off the article, if I was writing it.
 
2012-12-27 02:11:43 AM
The problem is biatches be crazy.
 
2012-12-27 02:12:25 AM

not_an_indigo: Nothing in there about how young marriage=higher chance of divorce?

Or how having divorced parents decreases one's chances of having a successful marriage?


A coworker of mine got married to his HS sweetheart when he was 21. Didn't even last 2 years. She went through his phone one day and read half of a text convo (which was purely innocent) and she flipped out. He basically said "biatch you're crazy!" and started divorce proceedings.
 
2012-12-27 02:14:31 AM

cheap_thoughts: I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.


And sometimes the kids would've been far,far better off had the parents gotten divorced earlier or maybe if they had let my mom keep her gun.
 
2012-12-27 02:14:59 AM

sammyk: I will be faithful to her the rest of my days and do not have the slightest doubt she will do the dame.


Gigity.
 
2012-12-27 02:15:12 AM
Divorce...what married people deserve.

/too bad not everyone gets what they deserve.
 
2012-12-27 02:15:35 AM

hubiestubert: Divorce is ugly


Myth #8 right here.

It isn't always.
 
2012-12-27 02:18:29 AM

A Terrible Human: cheap_thoughts: I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.

And sometimes the kids would've been far,far better off had the parents gotten divorced earlier or maybe if they had let my mom keep her gun.


CSB.

Divorced. Co-parenting kids (50/50 custody). Kids are well adjusted and thriving.

It can be done but it takes work on our part. We decided early on to do what was best for them and it is working out pretty well. We agree that we weren't good partners, but good parents.
 
2012-12-27 02:20:54 AM
Luckily (in a strange way), my ex tried to kill me, so I didn't have to pay alimony. He was in prison. YAY!

I am known for my poor decisions when it comes to men, that's why I finally just took some time off and said "no more dating, die alone, you stupid, chubby biatch". Now I have my first date in years, coming up New Year's Eve. I am being very, very cautious with this one, and he knows it. When I asked him out today (yes, I got brave!) we had lunch together and talked for a couple hours. We're both pretty battered by our pasts, but we both gave it a rest for a long time, so he's being cautious as well. I think that's a good thing. I also think it's a good sign that once the ice was broken we were able to be so open and honest with each other. At least I hope it is a good sign, otherwise I'll lose faith in myself completely. I just started regaining it after years of solitude, so I really don't want to lose it again.

*fingers crossed*
 
2012-12-27 02:21:28 AM
Things I got in the divorce:

-the house
-my truck
-my motorcycle
-my restored mustang
-my retirement accounts

Things she got:
-her Pruis (which she wrecked two weeks after I filed)
-her piles of credit card debt (which she hid from me before and during the marriage)

The courts don't take too well to women hiding debt, and then admitting to it. Thank FSM we had agreed to keep 50% of our take-home income in separate accounts for personal expenses. That officailly made anything purchased with the money "separate" property. Mine went to toys, and paying down the mortgage, most of hers secretly went to cover her interest payments (it costs quite a bit to pay $20k of debt at 30% interest).

After the divorce, I was made partner at the company and bought myself a sailboat. It's much cheaper than a wife, and gets me a lot more sexy time too.
 
2012-12-27 02:22:20 AM

wildcardjack: The problem is biatches be crazy.


...and file 2/3's of all divorces.
 
2012-12-27 02:23:37 AM
As someone who recently ended an engagement, I can say at least we didn't go through with it before calling it off.

I'm a 31 year old dude and I'll probably never get married, and I'm ok with that.
 
2012-12-27 02:25:25 AM
I read the yahoo article earlier and it gave me hope! But reading these stories makes me sad.

/I iz a sad.
 
2012-12-27 02:25:39 AM

not_an_indigo: Nothing in there about how young marriage=higher chance of divorce?  Or how having divorced parents decreases one's chances of having a successful marriage?


I wonder if people getting married later in life has something to do with the overall declining divorce rates.
 
2012-12-27 02:29:38 AM

Dinjiin: not_an_indigo: Nothing in there about how young marriage=higher chance of divorce?  Or how having divorced parents decreases one's chances of having a successful marriage?

I wonder if people getting married later in life has something to do with the overall declining divorce rates.


Or just not getting married at all, unless they have strong religious reasons to.
 
2012-12-27 02:29:43 AM
Myth #1: One in two marriages ends in divorce.

...A more accurate divorce rate for American marriages ranges from 40% to 50%.



Ah, so it might be only as high as 50%. How does the outrageous "1 in 2" myth ever persist ?!!!
 
2012-12-27 02:31:21 AM
Myth #2: Living together before marriage lowers the chance of divorce.

... "do it carefully," suggests Dr. Tessina. "It can reduce the chance of divorce..."


ANOTHER ridiculous myth busted. I'm learning so much!!!
 
2012-12-27 02:35:52 AM

Dinjiin: not_an_indigo: Nothing in there about how young marriage=higher chance of divorce?  Or how having divorced parents decreases one's chances of having a successful marriage?

I wonder if people getting married later in life has something to do with the overall declining divorce rates.


I would not be surprised if that were the case. I was married at 18 and I honestly don't think any 18 year old is fully equipped to make that kind of decision and pick up on warning signs, especially if they're in love. True, my ex ended up being diagnosed with significant mental health issues later, but someone a bit older than 18 probably would have picked up the warning signs a lot earlier than I did and known to leave ASAP when he quit taking his meds because he was "better". You never know, though. I've seen some stuff on Investigation Discovery about women who are the age I am now who are still not very good at the picking up on signs thingie.

/love truly is blind
 
2012-12-27 02:35:55 AM
Myth #6: The mother almost always gets custody of the children.

Legally, though, that's not the case....The best interest of the child also could preclude a mom from gaining custody, says Dr. Tessina. If a judge doesn't deem that the mother meets the state's standards for being a fit parent, she won't be awarded primary custody. If both parents are fit to raise the child, they're typically granted shared custody.


So in other words, the mother doesn't always get custody of the children, but she almost always gets custody of the children. Busted yet another myth!
 
2012-12-27 02:36:01 AM
I liked my ex. We were friends. We talked about the kid when we needed, not much contact other than that - but I always thought he was a good guy. A good dad.

Almost 3 months ago he got a job transfer about 2 hours away. I knew it would suck at first, my kid not getting to spend a few weekends a month with his brothers (her 2 and their 1 - all good kids) - but we would make it work.

He's called twice since then. Nothing in the last 2 months. His mom swears he's fine and she has no idea what's happening. He's 12. He stopped asking about a month ago and he doesn't say much about it. I now hate him with the fire of a thousand suns...our son is a good kid, and he didn't deserve this.
 
2012-12-27 02:37:18 AM
Haven't been divorced, but I've been engaged twice.

However, I've performed lots of divorces.

Prenups are worth it.  Totally worth it.  It's worth paying for your future spouse's lawyer, too.

Divorces go pretty smoothly if you get everything nailed down beforehand.  Kids can be sticky.  Pets, too.

Every divorce tends to get hung up on some symbolic material good.  One memorable one stalled over a $200 pickup bed liner.  I sat my client down and asked him how much he was paying me per hour.  Then I asked how much the bed liner was worth.  Then I told him how much it would cost to fight over the thing.  He wasn't happy about just giving it to her, but it made economic sense.  After that, we agreed on the rest and it went through without some stupid, expensive fight.
 
2012-12-27 02:37:33 AM

Christian Bale: So in other words, the mother doesn't always get custody of the children, but she almost always gets custody of the children. Busted yet another myth!


It then goes on to say that if both parents are considered fit, then joint custody is typically awarded.
 
2012-12-27 02:37:44 AM
After she was kicked out of her mom's house, I invited my girlfriend at the time to stay with me in my apartment for free in exchange for helping with housework. Not only did she not help with the housework, but she cheated on me for opium.
 
2012-12-27 02:39:45 AM

MrSteve007: After the divorce, I was made partner at the company and bought myself a sailboat. It's much cheaper than a wife, and gets me a lot more sexy time too.


If it flies, floats or farks it is always cheaper to rent.
 
2012-12-27 02:40:21 AM
i3.ytimg.com

LOVE STINKS! Yeah, yeah.
 
2012-12-27 02:40:44 AM
Ok, who would have even remotely thought this one was true? All 180+ countries?

Myth #7: The US's divorce rate is higher than every other country's.

Not true, but we're definitely up there on the list. According to the United Nations's Demographic Yearbook, the US has the sixth-highest divorce rate. Russia, Belarus, Ukraine, Moldova and the Cayman Islands take the top five spots in that order.



Good thing those count as separate entities now or we'd be #3, and very, very close to actually being higher than every other country in the world! Hardly a debunked "myth."

So, three myths out of seven were debunked. Pretty good job, Yahoo!, pretty good.
 
2012-12-27 02:41:48 AM

Genevieve Marie: Christian Bale: So in other words, the mother doesn't always get custody of the children, but she almost always gets custody of the children. Busted yet another myth!

It then goes on to say that if both parents are considered fit, then joint custody is typically awarded.


It doesn't exactly say that.

Even if the mom is the child's primary caregiver throughout the marriage, both parents are "entitled to equal time with the kids," says Raso. The best interest of the child also could preclude a mom from gaining custody, says Dr. Tessina. If a judge doesn't deem that the mother meets the state's standards for being a fit parent, she won't be awarded primary custody. If both parents are fit to raise the child, they're typically granted shared custody.

This is the opinion of one person, it really depends on the state. In some states "primary caregiver" is still given a lot of weight.
 
2012-12-27 02:42:44 AM

Genevieve Marie: Christian Bale: So in other words, the mother doesn't always get custody of the children, but she almost always gets custody of the children. Busted yet another myth!

It then goes on to say that if both parents are considered fit, then joint custody is typically awarded.


But it doesn't even mention primary custody, which is the "myth" being addressed. Without doing that, they didn't really address the "myth". Article is poorly researched and written terribly, let's face it.

And I'm cherry-picking so don't bother me with details :)
 
2012-12-27 02:44:05 AM

cheap_thoughts: I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.


as someone in that situation - wtf exactly do you suggest? I don't want to ever be away from my kid, but marriage is pretty miserable (I suspect it's not for me in general).
 
2012-12-27 02:44:48 AM

Real Women Drink Akvavit: Dinjiin: not_an_indigo: Nothing in there about how young marriage=higher chance of divorce?  Or how having divorced parents decreases one's chances of having a successful marriage?

I wonder if people getting married later in life has something to do with the overall declining divorce rates.

I would not be surprised if that were the case. I was married at 18 and I honestly don't think any 18 year old is fully equipped to make that kind of decision and pick up on warning signs, especially if they're in love. True, my ex ended up being diagnosed with significant mental health issues later, but someone a bit older than 18 probably would have picked up the warning signs a lot earlier than I did and known to leave ASAP when he quit taking his meds because he was "better". You never know, though. I've seen some stuff on Investigation Discovery about women who are the age I am now who are still not very good at the picking up on signs thingie.

/love truly is blind


No. Love is freaking dumb as a post.
 
2012-12-27 02:46:24 AM

kremvax: cheap_thoughts: I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.

as someone in that situation - wtf exactly do you suggest? I don't want to ever be away from my kid, but marriage is pretty miserable (I suspect it's not for me in general).


Divorce. Not ever wanting to be away from your kid isn't healthy.
 
2012-12-27 02:48:58 AM

serial_crusher: Pokey.Clyde: No alimony, no child support for kids that weren't mine. Didn't even have to pay any court fees or pay for a lawyer.

/God bless divorce laws in Texas!

A dude i used to work with moved to Texas from Colorado specifically to take advantage of the divorce laws.

/someone else's cool story bro



Damn it, I went the other direction Texas to Colorado, got married in Denver and divorced there too, was not cheap either.
 
2012-12-27 02:50:11 AM
My brothers wife recently left him after 25 years marriage. No abuse, drunkenness or secret fabulousness, just that the kids were gone off to college and she got bored - wanted to start a new life.

I can absolutely appreciate that and I understand splitting the property down the middle. What I dont understand is why she then gets 4k/mo for life (just under half his income) and a similar percentage of his pension upon retiring.

Makes the 100k or so I paid in child support over 18 years seem like so much chicken-feed.
 
2012-12-27 02:50:18 AM
hubiestubert:
That was incredibly wise. Thanks for that.
 
2012-12-27 02:50:33 AM

Christian Bale: Article is poorly researched and written terribly, let's face it.


I'll give you that one. It's a terrible article.

And man, I always hate going to the weddings where it's obvious to everyone that the wedding is a terrible idea. I've seen a few in the last couple of years.
 
2012-12-27 02:51:31 AM
If you have never been married, don't give up hope because of what you read here. Being married can be really fulfilling. On those days where you feel that nothing is going right, it sure is nice to have someone to offer you words of encouragement and support. If you ever feel sorry for yourself, it's great to have someone who can remind you of all of the good things in your life. And while you don't need a marriage certificate to have this kind of relationship, it certainly works for the millions of couples who've gone through it.

/married 19 years, together for 5 years before marriage
//neither of us has ever brought up the possibility of divorce in our relationship
///we do argue, but we never fight "dirty"
 
2012-12-27 02:53:00 AM

ThighsofGlory: Real Women Drink Akvavit: Dinjiin: not_an_indigo: Nothing in there about how young marriage=higher chance of divorce?  Or how having divorced parents decreases one's chances of having a successful marriage?

I wonder if people getting married later in life has something to do with the overall declining divorce rates.

I would not be surprised if that were the case. I was married at 18 and I honestly don't think any 18 year old is fully equipped to make that kind of decision and pick up on warning signs, especially if they're in love. True, my ex ended up being diagnosed with significant mental health issues later, but someone a bit older than 18 probably would have picked up the warning signs a lot earlier than I did and known to leave ASAP when he quit taking his meds because he was "better". You never know, though. I've seen some stuff on Investigation Discovery about women who are the age I am now who are still not very good at the picking up on signs thingie.

/love truly is blind

No. Love is freaking dumb as a post.


I would have gone with "dumb as a box of rocks" or "I can count to potato!" just to mock me, but I like yours, too.
;-)
 
2012-12-27 02:53:49 AM

rogue_L_chick: I liked my ex. We were friends. We talked about the kid when we needed, not much contact other than that - but I always thought he was a good guy. A good dad.

Almost 3 months ago he got a job transfer about 2 hours away. I knew it would suck at first, my kid not getting to spend a few weekends a month with his brothers (her 2 and their 1 - all good kids) - but we would make it work.

He's called twice since then. Nothing in the last 2 months. His mom swears he's fine and she has no idea what's happening. He's 12. He stopped asking about a month ago and he doesn't say much about it. I now hate him with the fire of a thousand suns...our son is a good kid, and he didn't deserve this.


Thats what you get for marrying a 12 year old. You perv.
 
2012-12-27 02:56:57 AM

jst3p: kremvax: cheap_thoughts: I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.

as someone in that situation - wtf exactly do you suggest? I don't want to ever be away from my kid, but marriage is pretty miserable (I suspect it's not for me in general).

Divorce. Not ever wanting to be away from your kid isn't healthy.


Come on, I don't mean literally days! Business trips are great. I just can't imagine packing up and walking out at some point, even though I done it before, before the kid. And we don't even fight much and I'm relatively not a doormat. Just quiet misery. Oh well.
 
2012-12-27 02:58:22 AM
Thankfully...*FAPFAPFAPFAP*.....I...*FAPPITY*...I'm an....*FAPFAPFAP*....an Inde*FAP*pendent...*FAPFAPFAPFAPFAAAAAAAAP*

*foop*
 
2012-12-27 03:00:12 AM

A Terrible Human: cheap_thoughts: I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.

And sometimes the kids would've been far,far better off had the parents gotten divorced earlier or maybe if they had let my mom keep her gun.


the key word here is "sometimes".
When I was younger I was totally in the "staying together for the kids is stupid" camp. But as I got older I realized that not all failed marriages are the same. Some get to the stage where you have people screaming at each other every day, or worse - and yeah, you're not doing your kid any favors by prolonging the ordeal.

But in others you basically get two strangers who no longer love each other living under the same roof. They either aren't the confrontational type, or have completely stopped caring for their spouse and see no point in fighting. If their child is still relatively young, he'll be better off if they at least postpone the divorce until he gets older. Having both parents there for their child has become underrated somehow.
So yes, maybe they do deserve their misery, but it's not always done for the "wrong" reasons.
 
2012-12-27 03:00:50 AM

rogue_L_chick: I liked my ex.


A number of us liked your ex.

//sorry, couldn't resist
//We didn't like her that much
 
2012-12-27 03:01:04 AM
I didn't get married but unfortunately in Canada breaking up after being considered common law is pretty much the same as a divorce in terms of what you could be entitled to pay and you are considered common law after living together for a year. So yeah Canada kind of sucks.
 
2012-12-27 03:01:37 AM
My ex wasn't mean spirited...just a cheating whore who used my at the time very limited pot smoking ( once or twice a month) to divorce me when in reality she was sleeping around behind my back and shortly after the divorce was finalized o.d.ed on meth had a seizure and did a face plant into a coffee table at a party. No kids and at the time very few possessions she could have taken so the divorce cost me nothing.
 
2012-12-27 03:05:04 AM
Marriage is a mistake every man should make.
 
2012-12-27 03:06:04 AM

Harry_Seldon: rogue_L_chick: I liked my ex.

A number of us liked your ex.

//sorry, couldn't resist
//We didn't like her that much


From the "chick" part of her username, I'm thinking her ex was probably a dude. NTTAWWT.
 
2012-12-27 03:09:11 AM

kremvax: cheap_thoughts: I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.

as someone in that situation - wtf exactly do you suggest? I don't want to ever be away from my kid, but marriage is pretty miserable (I suspect it's not for me in general).


Honestly, I grew up on a house where I would have preferred if my Dad divorced my Mom. I love them both... but he should have. The SO's parents divorced his freshman year of college (bonus they married really young) and he wished they had done it years earlier when the writing was on the wall.

If your kids are really young it's one thing. If they're past say 12 IMHO it's worse to put on a happy face when reality is not only stupidly obvious but also affecting their lives as well.

I really wish my Mom got a desperately needed wake up call and my Dad got a chance to be happier. It still would have sucked but in the long run...
 
2012-12-27 03:11:49 AM

Atomic Spunk: Harry_Seldon: rogue_L_chick: I liked my ex.

A number of us liked your ex.

//sorry, couldn't resist
//We didn't like her that much

From the "chick" part of her username, I'm thinking her ex was probably a dude. NTTAWWT.


Ah, times like this make me feel way better that everyone always assumes I'm a dude at first on this site.

/seriously it says chick...
 
2012-12-27 03:12:56 AM

Atomic Spunk: On those days where you feel that nothing is going right, it sure is nice to have someone to offer you words of encouragement and support. If you ever feel sorry for yourself, it's great to have someone who can remind you of all of the good things in your life.


This is much better...
www.petside.com
 
2012-12-27 03:13:40 AM
4.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-12-27 03:14:27 AM

7th Son of a 7th Son: not_an_indigo: Nothing in there about how young marriage=higher chance of divorce?

Or how having divorced parents decreases one's chances of having a successful marriage?

A coworker of mine got married to his HS sweetheart when he was 21. Didn't even last 2 years. She went through his phone one day and read half of a text convo (which was purely innocent) and she flipped out. He basically said "biatch you're crazy!" and started divorce proceedings.


But then I've been with my girl since we were 18 and we are still just as happy as clams.

Anecdotal evidence is anecdotal. Don't associate with people who are prone to drama. When I want drama I read about other people's terrible relationships on fark.
 
2012-12-27 03:16:42 AM

mikefinch: Anecdotal evidence is anecdotal. Don't associate with people who are prone to drama. When I want drama I read about other people's terrible relationships on fark.


Best advice I have ever seen here on fark.  My boyfriend and I have zero drama and we don't get bent out of shape over pointless stuff.
 
2012-12-27 03:18:54 AM
Marriage stopped making sense a long time ago.
 
2012-12-27 03:19:36 AM
I feel weird.
There was no animosity in my divorce. We knew it was over and decided to call it quits before someone got caught rubbin' their privates on someone the other had an issue with.
Settled up the accounts and house and split it 50/50, hell, we even decided our own visitation schedule for the kiddoes.(judge did change it up a tad since she was going out of state. We still keep to the original bargain though)

Judge said she wished all divorces were like ours.
 
2012-12-27 03:20:22 AM

Harry_Seldon: Atomic Spunk: On those days where you feel that nothing is going right, it sure is nice to have someone to offer you words of encouragement and support. If you ever feel sorry for yourself, it's great to have someone who can remind you of all of the good things in your life.

This is much better...
[www.petside.com image 624x475]


When I find a puppy that can earn a paycheck, do housework, produce a human child, have a lifespan greater than about 12 years and give me a decent blowjob, then I'll be inclined to agree.

Though I've heard that a healthy dose of peanut butter can assist with my last requirement.
 
2012-12-27 03:22:58 AM

jst3p: MrSteve007: After the divorce, I was made partner at the company and bought myself a sailboat. It's much cheaper than a wife, and gets me a lot more sexy time too.

If it flies, floats or farks it is always cheaper to rent.


If it farks, floats or flies...
better to rent than buy.

/FTFY
 
2012-12-27 03:23:29 AM

neaorin: A Terrible Human: cheap_thoughts: I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.

And sometimes the kids would've been far,far better off had the parents gotten divorced earlier or maybe if they had let my mom keep her gun.

the key word here is "sometimes".
When I was younger I was totally in the "staying together for the kids is stupid" camp. But as I got older I realized that not all failed marriages are the same. Some get to the stage where you have people screaming at each other every day, or worse - and yeah, you're not doing your kid any favors by prolonging the ordeal.

But in others you basically get two strangers who no longer love each other living under the same roof. They either aren't the confrontational type, or have completely stopped caring for their spouse and see no point in fighting. If their child is still relatively young, he'll be better off if they at least postpone the divorce until he gets older. Having both parents there for their child has become underrated somehow.
So yes, maybe they do deserve their misery, but it's not always done for the "wrong" reasons.


Well put.
 
2012-12-27 03:25:15 AM

Atomic Spunk: Harry_Seldon: Atomic Spunk: On those days where you feel that nothing is going right, it sure is nice to have someone to offer you words of encouragement and support. If you ever feel sorry for yourself, it's great to have someone who can remind you of all of the good things in your life.

This is much better...
[www.petside.com image 624x475]

When I find a puppy that can earn a paycheck, do housework, produce a human child, have a lifespan greater than about 12 years and give me a decent blowjob, then I'll be inclined to agree.

Though I've heard that a healthy dose of peanut butter can assist with my last requirement.


Atomic Spunk: Harry_Seldon: Atomic Spunk: On those days where you feel that nothing is going right, it sure is nice to have someone to offer you words of encouragement and support. If you ever feel sorry for yourself, it's great to have someone who can remind you of all of the good things in your life.

This is much better...
[www.petside.com image 624x475]

When I find a puppy that can earn a paycheck, do housework, produce a human child, have a lifespan greater than about 12 years and give me a decent blowjob, then I'll be inclined to agree.

Though I've heard that a healthy dose of peanut butter can assist with my last requirement.


Got the decent paycheck worked out...

images.starpulse.com
 
2012-12-27 03:25:33 AM

Hagenhatesyouall: Marriage stopped making sense a long time ago.


Just because you had a bitter painful experience with marriage and are now living with your parents doesn't mean its not right for others.

/gay
//can't get married in the state where I'm in
 
2012-12-27 03:28:19 AM

Christian Bale: So, three myths out of seven were debunked. Pretty good job, Yahoo!, pretty good.


"You know what Yahoo... we're going to hang this article right on the fridge. Now grandma will see it when she visits! You want some milk?"
 
2012-12-27 03:29:39 AM

7th Son of a 7th Son: not_an_indigo: Nothing in there about how young marriage=higher chance of divorce?

Or how having divorced parents decreases one's chances of having a successful marriage?

A coworker of mine got married to his HS sweetheart when he was 21. Didn't even last 2 years. She went through his phone one day and read half of a text convo (which was purely innocent) and she flipped out. He basically said "biatch you're crazy!" and started divorce proceedings.


On the flip side, there's Mr. Cuzsis and I. We're high school sweethearts and I have divorced parents. (My mom remarried to great guy and everything is cool between both sides, which is awesome.)

As of this Christmas we've been together for 11 years.

/know several other couples who are high school sweethearts (various age ranges, including my parents age) that are still together too.
 
2012-12-27 03:30:41 AM

StreetlightInTheGhetto: Atomic Spunk: Harry_Seldon: rogue_L_chick: I liked my eSNIPSNIP

From the "chick" part of her username, I'm thinking her ex was probably a dude. NTTAWWT.

Ah, times like this make me feel way better that everyone always assumes I'm a dude at first on this site.

/seriously it says chick...


I assume all farkers are genderless overweight white people who have disgusting amounts of money to spend on booze I couldn't ever choke down while they try and find reasons the days pornography is not up to snuff.
 
2012-12-27 03:31:05 AM

StreetlightInTheGhetto: kremvax: cheap_thoughts: I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.

as someone in that situation - wtf exactly do you suggest? I don't want to ever be away from my kid, but marriage is pretty miserable (I suspect it's not for me in general).

Honestly, I grew up on a house where I would have preferred if my Dad divorced my Mom. I love them both... but he should have. The SO's parents divorced his freshman year of college (bonus they married really young) and he wished they had done it years earlier when the writing was on the wall.

If your kids are really young it's one thing. If they're past say 12 IMHO it's worse to put on a happy face when reality is not only stupidly obvious but also affecting their lives as well.

I really wish my Mom got a desperately needed wake up call and my Dad got a chance to be happier. It still would have sucked but in the long run...


really young. But what about the other school of thought -

StreetlightInTheGhetto: neaorin: A Terrible Human: cheap_thoughts: I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.

And sometimes the kids would've been far,far better off had the parents gotten divorced earlier or maybe if they had let my mom keep her gun.

the key word here is "sometimes".
When I was younger I was totally in the "staying together for the kids is stupid" camp. But as I got older I realized that not all failed marriages are the same. Some get to the stage where you have people screaming at each other every day, or worse - and yeah, you're not doing your kid any favors by prolonging the ordeal.

But in others you basically get two strangers who no longer love each other living under the same roof. They either aren't the confrontational type, or have completely stopped caring for their spouse and see no point in fighting. If their child is still relatively young, he'll be better off if they at least postpone the divorce until he gets older. Having both parents there for their child has become underrated somehow.
So yes, maybe they do deserve their misery, but it's not always done for the "wrong" reasons.

Well put.


Yeah, that's exactly what it's like (and hilariously what I suspect my own parents marriage is). Kid's pretty young too. And yeah, I know, what were we thinking, it gets very complicated at that point... So it's OK to be miserable in that case? I'll sleep better I guess.
 
2012-12-27 03:31:53 AM
This looks like a good thread for picking up chicks.
 
2012-12-27 03:34:51 AM

StreetlightInTheGhetto: Atomic Spunk: Harry_Seldon: rogue_L_chick: I liked my ex.

A number of us liked your ex.

//sorry, couldn't resist
//We didn't like her that much

From the "chick" part of her username, I'm thinking her ex was probably a dude. NTTAWWT.

Ah, times like this make me feel way better that everyone always assumes I'm a dude at first on this site.

/seriously it says chick...


I assume everyone is trans gender on Fark.
 
2012-12-27 03:35:50 AM

TomD9938: My brothers wife recently left him after 25 years marriage. No abuse, drunkenness or secret fabulousness, just that the kids were gone off to college and she got bored - wanted to start a new life.

I can absolutely appreciate that and I understand splitting the property down the middle. What I dont understand is why she then gets 4k/mo for life (just under half his income) and a similar percentage of his pension upon retiring.

Makes the 100k or so I paid in child support over 18 years seem like so much chicken-feed.


That sucks.

If it's no-fault, she can go pay her own way if she's "bored". What a mooching looser!

/sorry, people like that piss me off.
 
2012-12-27 03:38:21 AM
Ex-wife started making noise about alimony and taking the house. I threatened to sue for custody of her daughter from a previous marriage. She stopped pursuing alimony, and I got the house. There's no room for honor in a divorce.
 
2012-12-27 03:38:36 AM

gingerjet: mikefinch: Anecdotal evidence is anecdotal. Don't associate with people who are prone to drama. When I want drama I read about other people's terrible relationships on fark.

Best advice I have ever seen here on fark.  My boyfriend and I have zero drama and we don't get bent out of shape over pointless stuff.


Same. I can't even remember the last time we argued.
 
2012-12-27 03:38:54 AM

cuzsis: TomD9938: My brothers wife recently left him after 25 years marriage. No abuse, drunkenness or secret fabulousness, just that the kids were gone off to college and she got bored - wanted to start a new life.

I can absolutely appreciate that and I understand splitting the property down the middle. What I dont understand is why she then gets 4k/mo for life (just under half his income) and a similar percentage of his pension upon retiring.

Makes the 100k or so I paid in child support over 18 years seem like so much chicken-feed.

That sucks.

If it's no-fault, she can go pay her own way if she's "bored". What a mooching looser!

/sorry, people like that piss me off.


I assume she thought that after 25 years, she earned it the hard way.
 
2012-12-27 03:44:53 AM
My ex husband is gay.
 
2012-12-27 03:47:26 AM
A REAL WOMAN IS MAN'S BEST FRIEND

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.

No wait ... Sorry ...
I'm thinking of whiskey.
It's whiskey that does all that shiat.
Nevermind.
 
2012-12-27 03:58:33 AM

NicoFinn: My ex husband is gay.


way to go.
 
2012-12-27 03:59:39 AM

log_jammin: NicoFinn: My ex husband is gay.

way to go.


Thanks. It wasn't easy, but the divorce was friendly.
 
2012-12-27 03:59:56 AM
My parents divorced once all the kids were out of the house. Turns out they were unhappy for years, but none of us really knew. Anyway they're both happier and settled down with someone else. I married much later in life, relatively, so as to avoid the same scenario. You're not *really* an adult until about 27, so there's no point trying to meet a life partner before then

/YMMV
 
2012-12-27 03:59:59 AM
I've given up. But I don't have a sour ex story to tell. Sure, I could tell a few entertaining/horror tales, but in the end, it's always been me.

Honestly, I'm just not that into relationships. Things go okay, then I start withdrawing, because I love making things and I'd rather do that than spend time with someone. Things that are not children. Computer programs, generally, but other things too - food, clothes, whatever. I enjoy it more than sex. Often less messy, too.
 
2012-12-27 04:04:45 AM

Pokey.Clyde: No alimony, no child support for kids that weren't mine. Didn't even have to pay any court fees or pay for a lawyer.

/God bless divorce laws in Texas!


Texas doesn't have any law prohibiting alimony, temporary alimony is given to just about any nonworking spouse who asks for it.  Permanent alimony can be given to if the marriage lasted more than 10 years but it's rare for anything under that time.

I've never heard of anyone paying child support for kids that weren't theirs unless they adopted them.  As far as attorney fees, if you got through a divorce without hiring one, you're simply lucky.
 
2012-12-27 04:05:05 AM

starsrift: I've given up. But I don't have a sour ex story to tell. Sure, I could tell a few entertaining/horror tales, but in the end, it's always been me.

Honestly, I'm just not that into relationships. Things go okay, then I start withdrawing, because I love making things and I'd rather do that than spend time with someone. Things that are not children. Computer programs, generally, but other things too - food, clothes, whatever. I enjoy it more than sex. Often less messy, too.


Set the boundaries early and do so with at least a handful of partners. You'll have a harem and won't get distracted from your true love. Perfect
 
2012-12-27 04:07:41 AM

ReapTheChaos: I've never heard of anyone paying child support for kids that weren't theirs unless they adopted them.


If you want to read some farked up stories about that, try google.

Long story short. even if you prove by a DNA test that the kid isn't yours, the judge can still make you pay if "it's in the child's best interest."
 
2012-12-27 04:07:57 AM

kptchris: A REAL WOMAN IS MAN'S BEST FRIEND

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.

No wait ... Sorry ...
I'm thinking of whiskey.
It's whiskey that does all that shiat.
Nevermind.


Thank god. It would be totally unhealthy for a sentient being to completely lack agency and totally revolve around someone else.

I was relieved by the conclusion.
 
2012-12-27 04:09:16 AM
Perspective from the other end of "staying together for the kids": never tell one of the kids in question that you were actually going to divorce a few years in, but then decided to have her instead, giving you an incentive to stay together. Only to have an oops baby five years later, and ended up suddenly divorcing five years after that. After having kept up a front of reasonably happy domestic bliss the whole time so that the kids had no idea why it happened until it happened.

I mean, you can do that shiat, but don't tell the kids any of it. Or tell them all of it. Just don't keep up the front unless you plan to stick with it.

/almost 30
//still confused about the whole thing
 
2012-12-27 04:12:35 AM

hubiestubert: Divorce is ugly, but it's survivable.


Thank you for this whole post. I'm going through an amicable divorce right now, but I'm still depressed and scared to death about how to deal with the future.

It's hard to have a whole lot of confidence when your husband walks out ...
 
2012-12-27 04:14:03 AM
My not-so-cool story brah...

My ex fell in love with our WoW guild leader. She was 31, he was 22. We lived in NH, he lived in Florida. I quit WoW when I saw how addicted we were and the kids weren't getting taken care of. I'd come home at from work to find the kids hadn't eaten and were still in the same diapers from the morning. And I thought it was just the game that sucked her in.

Then I found the 72 pages of chat logs from her instant messenger on her computer. Took a copy. Confronted her. She said she'd rather be with him (never met face to face) then me and the kids. Moved back in with my parents (and the three kids) that day. 2 days later, she hands me a notarized letter assigning full custody. 2 months later, she took off for Florida.

I have full custody, no alimony (I was making all the money, she was a stay at home mom. Plus, she stopped home schooling them and didn't tell me. Made stuff up that the kids "worked on" each day. I ended up enrolling them in one school before we moved out and had to move them to a new school.) She didn't show up for a single divorce hearing. Never hired a lawyer. Signed whatever we put in front of her. All the court would assign however is $300/month TOTAL (not for each kid) that she pays in support.

She's remarried with 2 kids and still can't take care of them. I'm married now to the girl that beat me up in sixth grade. I refused to hit her back. She remembered that. Yes, she does loan me my spine and scrotum from time to time.

And I'm ok with that. She cares more about my kids than their mother does.

Lots of f'd up details being intentionally left out. But you get the gist.

And the bs about dads getting the kids... NEVER happens in this state. I have lawyers and state legislators who have asked me how the hell I did it, because it's so uncommon. My lawyer was worth every penny. She knew how to write things up so that the kids will stay with me and make it very hard for my ex to challenge.

Gotta go now... kids will be up soon and I love hanging out with them in the mornings when I work from home.
 
2012-12-27 04:14:22 AM

log_jammin: ReapTheChaos: I've never heard of anyone paying child support for kids that weren't theirs unless they adopted them.

If you want to read some farked up stories about that, try google.

Long story short. even if you prove by a DNA test that the kid isn't yours, the judge can still make you pay if "it's in the child's best interest."


This happened to a friend of mine. Got divorced, and paying for her kid from a previous marriage because it is in the child's best interest. He is absolutely, completely financially devastated. She is forcing him to pay for private school for their two children, and then the third from her previous marriage, plus support. Oh, I forgot, she is also remarried. She hauls him back to court every chance she gets. It is like a hobby for her. Awful woman.
 
2012-12-27 04:18:44 AM
"But alimony may not be granted even if the woman wasn't working during the marriage-if she has the skill set and physical ability to find a job that pays as well as her ex's."

Wow. Sexist much, article?
 
2012-12-27 04:20:32 AM

Genevieve Marie: gingerjet: mikefinch: Anecdotal evidence is anecdotal. Don't associate with people who are prone to drama. When I want drama I read about other people's terrible relationships on fark.

Best advice I have ever seen here on fark.  My boyfriend and I have zero drama and we don't get bent out of shape over pointless stuff.

Same. I can't even remember the last time we argued.


THIS

I don't know if it's luck, fate, destiny, karma or just that sometimes good sht happens. I'm grateful every damn day for my husband.

/married almost 19 years
 
2012-12-27 04:26:50 AM

hubiestubert: Divorce is ugly, but it's survivable.

The thing about it, is that it erodes confidence in your decision making capabilities. It shatters your conceptions of what you think you want. It means that what you thought you wanted, wasn't. It takes time to get over. It takes time to get your groove back. It changes said groove, or at least, if you're smart, it should.

You took someone into your life, and you swore before God and your family and friends that THIS was the one. And it wasn't. That means, if you're smart, you take a few to consider what you really wanted. What went wrong. What you missed. What you glossed over. What mistakes YOU made. There is plenty of time for recrimination, but if you're smart, take some time to figure YOUR sh*t out. Anger, recrimination, and the rest, those are natural, but at the end of things, you have to figure out your own culpability, or you're going to make the same damn mistakes again.

That means that maybe, just maybe, you don't date for a bit. And accept that the first time you do, that it's going to be a bit rocky, on your part. In part because you're out of practice, in part because no matter how ready you think you are, you're probably not. Chances are, you're going to f*ck up that Boobies divorce relationship. Don't pin your hopes and dreams on that one, because it's for practice. If the gal or guy you're dating post divorce is smart will realize this, and give you some space, and will be understanding. Chances are, you're going to screw it up by expecting things to be easy, and that you're ready. You probably won't be, and you'll realize that fairly soon. It's a learning curve. You may get lucky. You may be amazingly lucky, or you may find someone who realizes that you're damaged goods and is patient and decent, but the odds aren't great for that. Especially if they're post divorce too. Understand that going in. If and when it falls apart, you can't let that shake you back down to the core, but learn from it. And hopefully, be smart enough to stay friends with this person, because you owe them a lot.

The thing about divorce is, that it's like a cycle of addiction. You get out, and you are immediately set back emotionally to the place you were when you started the whole shebang. If that was a relationship you started in college, boy howdy, you are in for a rude awakening. Common wisdom says the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone, and in part, that can be true, but it's real hard on the folks you date. If you don't want to be an asshat, you might want to check that impulse, because these are real people, and they have feelings, and as screwed up as you are probably going to be for awhile, you might want to get back down to some hardcore YOU time. Taking time after you split is natural. It's time to reflect. Time to get your sh*t together. I urge you to do exactly that, so you do less damage. To yourself. To others.

There IS a good side. You learn a lot about yourself after a divorce. And during a divorce. You can take those lessons and do something constructive, or you can bury them and continue the cycles that got you into the mess in the first place. That is the route that most folks take, and it takes some time to master. You don't have to be a monk, but maybe take some time to figure out what you really want, and where you screwed up. And be honest about it. Not just with your partners, but with yourself. It probably means confronting some ugly sh*t about yourself. What your illusions were going into things. What your expectations were vs reality. It ain't easy. It IS worth the time you spend getting your head and heart right.

Not every relationship post divorce is going to be serious. Heck, it's probably a good idea to have something entirely casual, so you don't try to replace ONE serious relationship with another, because that is an ugly road, and it hangs a LOT of baggage on the new one. Let the new ones be their own thing. Celebrate those things. Celebrate the new. The new relationship. The new trust you have in yourself. The new person. The new road you're taking. Be careful, be honest, and don't try to force relationships into being something they ain't. That goes for any break up, but marriage is special in that you had all these dreams of getting old with someone that didn't pan out, and that rocks you. It's supposed to. If it doesn't, then there is something wrong. You might want to ponder that a moment, and figure out what that is, and THEN move on, otherwise you're going to wind up making the same damn mistakes. In choosing partners. In dealing with partners. In dealing with the relationship in general.

There is life after divorce, and even great times ahead, but you need to consider some things before getting back out there. Do that, and take the time to ponder a bit, and you'll be better for it. Swears.


Outstanding...you're now in green, my first fav...popped my cherry.
 
2012-12-27 04:27:36 AM
Myth #6: The mother almost always gets custody of the children.

The article goes on to say how both parents are granted equal time and that custody is awarded based on the best interest of the children.  None of this contradicts the myth, which isn't a farking myth.  Custody is usually granted to the mother unless she is bloody obviously unfit, and sometimes not even then.
 
2012-12-27 04:30:12 AM
Old man used to say the 40k buyout and attorney fees to end the divorce and get rid of her was the best deal of his life.
 
2012-12-27 04:31:02 AM

NicoFinn: My ex husband is gay.


He meant it when he said he wanted a beej.  You should have believed him.
 
2012-12-27 04:32:48 AM

OgreMagi: Myth #6: The mother almost always gets custody of the children.

The article goes on to say how both parents are granted equal time and that custody is awarded based on the best interest of the children.  None of this contradicts the myth, which isn't a farking myth.  Custody is usually granted to the mother unless she is bloody obviously unfit, and sometimes not even then.


And some states, it is MUCH harder to get to that standard than others. My niece is now $40K and 4 1/2 years into getting custody of her step daughter. Bio unit has been arrested twice and has absconded with the child three times. And the judge still keeps letting her slide.
 
2012-12-27 04:32:51 AM
Lets see...
Divorce #1, she got the kids, then later when I made more money then she had ever seen, she asked for 2/3rds of it in child support, I asked for the kids, judge told me no because I owed child support from before I made tons of money (I was paying it down), then told her he was tir3ed of seeing people like her try to take every dime the guy had..and ordered the minimum child support he was allowed to. $50/month per kid. Attorney was so upset that I didn't get custody that he waived his fee. (no joke). 6 years later she asked me to take one of them saying she was "too much like you". Asked me if I wanted to go to court to get the child support re-evaluated. heck no..any judge looking at it again would have nailed me for $1000/mo even if I had one of the two kids because she made so little. So for the last 5 years I paid child support on a kid that lived with me.

Divorce #2, she got the kids, claimed abuse, etc etc. I didn't get to see my kids for 5 years. Finally got to see them again-long story short in the end she ran off again, I hired a PI and a lawyer, and had her served with custody papers...the same day the state took the kids from her for neglect. They placed the kids with me, and thousands of dollars later in attorney fee's I have custody of my kids.

Divorce #3, no kids, she left me for a friend. long story. But...get this...her kids refused to go with her, and instead ended up staying with me. she paid child support as did her ex, but not nearly enough to really cover the cost. Her son just came up to visit for the holidays, he spent 2 weeks at my house...and 5 hours at hers. LOL.

And I DO know someone whose ex-wife takes 1/2 his income, and while doing so got herself a phd, and a BF with a ton of money..but she wont marry him because then she would lose 1/2 her income from this guy. Thats down in California. If he is any guide..dont get divorced in CA.
 
2012-12-27 04:34:53 AM

TomD9938: My brothers wife recently left him after 25 years marriage. No abuse, drunkenness or secret fabulousness, just that the kids were gone off to college and she got bored - wanted to start a new life.


Statistically, most divorces are initiated by the wife and the number one reason for wanting a divorce is "I don't feel fulfilled" or some variation such as your brother's ex gave.

Work 25 years building a home, raising children, taking care of the wife, trying to be a good husband.  Your reward for that is betrayal.
 
2012-12-27 04:37:23 AM
If you wonder why divorces favors the female, you're smart enough to not get married.

Its a terrible contract for a man to enter and will only benefit a crazy woman timebomb you'll have to hire a lawyer to get out of your bank accounts and then you still might be buying Jody's new truck while he's sleeping in the house you used to own but still make payments on.

But if youre the sort who knows that love is important and your wife will never change.....go right on a head.
 
2012-12-27 04:37:53 AM

Christian Bale: Myth #6: The mother almost always gets custody of the children.

Legally, though, that's not the case....The best interest of the child also could preclude a mom from gaining custody, says Dr. Tessina. If a judge doesn't deem that the mother meets the state's standards for being a fit parent, she won't be awarded primary custody. If both parents are fit to raise the child, they're typically granted shared custody.

So in other words, the mother doesn't always get custody of the children, but she almost always gets custody of the children. Busted yet another myth!


/CSB

My dear sweet abusive alcoholic brother, that I wouldn't trust to make an adult decision if his life depended on it, was actually awarded full custody of his kid in a divorce.

Apparently the wife was just that farked up that HE looked like the good option to the judge.
 
2012-12-27 04:38:43 AM

Bomb Head Mohammed: "But alimony may not be granted even if the woman wasn't working during the marriage-if she has the skill set and physical ability to find a job that pays as well as her ex's."

Wow. Sexist much, article?


Nope. That's how the law reads in a lot of states.

Alimony is not nearly as common as it used to be for this reason.
 
2012-12-27 04:39:08 AM
I just can't imagine why any of you guys have troublesome relationships with women.
 
2012-12-27 04:42:38 AM

Another Government Employee: OgreMagi: Myth #6: The mother almost always gets custody of the children.

The article goes on to say how both parents are granted equal time and that custody is awarded based on the best interest of the children.  None of this contradicts the myth, which isn't a farking myth.  Custody is usually granted to the mother unless she is bloody obviously unfit, and sometimes not even then.

And some states, it is MUCH harder to get to that standard than others. My niece is now $40K and 4 1/2 years into getting custody of her step daughter. Bio unit has been arrested twice and has absconded with the child three times. And the judge still keeps letting her slide.


My brother's ex was spending all the money on coke.  After he divorced her, he did everything he could to gain custody and failed. Even after she became physically violent when the judge ordered an immediate drug test and was literally dragged off for the test (which she failed), he didn't gain custody.  We had never heard of a judge putting up with that kind of behavior in a court.  Must be the same judge.
 
2012-12-27 04:44:23 AM

Greywar: Lets see...
Divorce #1
Divorce #2
Divorce #3


Dude. You're supposed to get with the hot crazy chicks, and fark them silly... not MARRY them.
 
2012-12-27 04:45:40 AM

Genevieve Marie: I just can't imagine why any of you guys have troublesome relationships with women.


The correlatory truism to "No matter how beautiful she is, someone somewhere is tired of her shiat" is, "No matter how much of an asshole he is, someone somewhere will put up with his shiat". :)
 
2012-12-27 04:46:52 AM

Genevieve Marie: Christian Bale: So in other words, the mother doesn't always get custody of the children, but she almost always gets custody of the children. Busted yet another myth!

It then goes on to say that if both parents are considered fit, then joint custody is typically awarded.


There are two types of custody: physical custody and legal custody. Physical custody, which determines where the kids live and who has to pay child support, is almost always granted to the mother unless she is unfit, which is a very high standard to prove. Unless Mom is demonstrably crazy, on drugs, or in and out of jail, she normally gets physical custody if she wants it. Legal custody, which is often awarded jointly, just gives both parents the right to participate in major life decisions such as religion and education. It's basically veto power, and it's not very effective when the two ex-spouses aren't reasonably cooperative with each other.

One thing that sucks about child support, in my state at least, is that there is no guarantee that the money will actually be used for the child's benefit. And there is no credit given for the expenses incurred by the parent without physical custody for having a larger home than would otherwise be needed to accommodate the kids, or for the non-custodial parent's purchases of food, clothing and other items for the children. I don't have any sympathy for deadbeats, but it's definitely a broken system.
 
2012-12-27 04:48:28 AM

OgreMagi: Statistically, most divorces are initiated by the wife and the number one reason for wanting a divorce is "I don't feel fulfilled" or some variation such as your brother's ex gave.


I'd LOVE to see some numbers to back that up.
 
2012-12-27 04:51:18 AM

Naptowner: Genevieve Marie: Christian Bale: So in other words, the mother doesn't always get custody of the children, but she almost always gets custody of the children. Busted yet another myth!

It then goes on to say that if both parents are considered fit, then joint custody is typically awarded.

There are two types of custody: physical custody and legal custody. Physical custody, which determines where the kids live and who has to pay child support, is almost always granted to the mother unless she is unfit, which is a very high standard to prove. Unless Mom is demonstrably crazy, on drugs, or in and out of jail, she normally gets physical custody if she wants it. Legal custody, which is often awarded jointly, just gives both parents the right to participate in major life decisions such as religion and education. It's basically veto power, and it's not very effective when the two ex-spouses aren't reasonably cooperative with each other.

One thing that sucks about child support, in my state at least, is that there is no guarantee that the money will actually be used for the child's benefit. And there is no credit given for the expenses incurred by the parent without physical custody for having a larger home than would otherwise be needed to accommodate the kids, or for the non-custodial parent's purchases of food, clothing and other items for the children. I don't have any sympathy for deadbeats, but it's definitely a broken system.


That's a fair assessment. I wasn't trying to imply that I think child custody laws are perfect by any stretch.

starsrift: Genevieve Marie: I just can't imagine why any of you guys have troublesome relationships with women.

The correlatory truism to "No matter how beautiful she is, someone somewhere is tired of her shiat" is, "No matter how much of an asshole he is, someone somewhere will put up with his shiat". :)


Eh, truthfully? I've always hated the first statement. It completely discounts the possibility of a happy relationship, or  that the woman being viewed is a great person who makes the people around her happy.

The second one I would say is probably true, simply because there are definitely a lot of people who make terrible choices. It could also be a gender neutral statement. I say we adopt that one and retire the first saying entirely.
 
2012-12-27 04:53:15 AM
Thinking about it, of the 8 weddings I have been to in the last 10 years, 3 of them ended in divorce

Depressingly average
 
2012-12-27 05:07:59 AM

Naptowner: One thing that sucks about child support, in my state at least, is that there is no guarantee that the money will actually be used for the child's benefit.


As I mentioned in a previous post, my brother's ex was doing a lot of coke. She kept snorting the child support my brother was paying, resulting in no food in the house, lose of electricity for non-payment, etc.  My brother tried to get the judge to let him pay bills directly and get credit on his child support.  The judge denied the request.
 
2012-12-27 05:23:53 AM

From the abyssal chaos of despair and rage, I summon forth the manifestation of marital fury.

i.imgur.com

Arise, KrispyKritter.
 
2012-12-27 05:24:45 AM
Got married at 20. I was a young Corporal of Marines, she was an even younger college student... I paid her way through a five-year master's program, and we had a fairly decent relationship - a few fights, but nothing too serious - until my first deployment. She decided that her limit for time without penis was 4 months, I was out of the country for 7.

I came home and was extremely distressed by the lack of enthusiasm that she showed for my return. Quick kiss, then into the car... mostly silent ride home (45 minute drive) and then a few awkward, sexless nights. She decided on morning #3 that she was ready for sex with me... woke me up for it in the wee hours of the morning, and hopped in the shower right after it was done, leaving her phone on the night stand. While she was in the shower, she got a text from a guy that she'd known for longer than she'd known me saying "Good morning to the most beautiful woman in the world!"

I flipped the hell out and accused her of cheating on me... I started going through all the bank records and looking at the activity on the cell phone... and all of it pointed to an affair, but there was nothing conclusive that couldn't be attributed to "He's been a really supportive friend." Three weeks of constant fighting went by, and I finally just said "screw this, I'm taking leave and going to my mom's house. I don't know when I'll be back."

I set up her MSN messenger account to record everything (because that had always been her primary means of communication with people) and took off. I came back unnanounced, while she was at work, a week later. I immediately hopped on the computer and found 12 pages of chat logs between the two of them talking about places where they'd screwed (including HER PARENTS' BED), ways that they'd spent my money (including buying clothes with money that my grandfather sent for my birthday while I was deployed, and I had no idea about) and how much of a dick they thought I was. I called her, screaming at the phone so loudly that she couldn't understand a word for the first half an hour, until I finally calmed down enough to say "I read your conversations with him, biatch. You're done." and hung up.

I then called her dad and told him what was happening, and I read him the excerpt about screwing on his bed. His response was as concise as it gets, "It's a 4 hour drive to your house. I'll rent a trailer and I'll be there in 6 hours to pick up her stuff."

Then I went on base and headed straight for medical to get a blood test for STDs. Thankfully, all clear.

A week later, my unit got called up to respond to the earthquake in Haiti, leaving me with no way to make sure the bills were paid except to have HER pay them... she agreed to stop by twice per month until I returned and pay all the bills in return for a smoother divorce. A month after I left, she started sending me emails threatening to stop paying my bills, and saying that she was going to take me to court to get alimony. My reply was simple, "If you try to take one dime, I'll have your boyfriend thrown in the brig. I know he's helping you pay your tuition, so you'd have to either quit school or start stripping to make ends meet." She dropped the matter entirely and cooperated with the divorce from then on out. She got a dresser that was hers before the wedding, and her POS '95 Chevy Cavalier with 215k on it... and that's it.

I then made the mistake of quickly re-marrying, this time having a kid with her... two or three times a week, we'd have these fights that lasted half a day or more. After one of them, I went to work... she put an ad on Craigslist - yes, one of THOSE ads on Craigslist - and got about 20 replies, most of them just dickpics... but one guy "was nice" so she started talking to him. They never met, but he was an 'internet boyfriend' for about a month, and the only thing that stopped them from meeting was the lack of a discrete enough babysitter. She confessed it to me because she felt bad about it and thought it would mean a chance to fix the relationship... but it cut open the same wound that hadn't healed properly the first time. She had to go.

So now I'm 25, working on divorce #2, and I haven't seen my daughter in almost a month because her coont of a mother decided she needed to move to another state and stop answering my calls.

Women.
 
2012-12-27 05:29:19 AM

hubiestubert: Divorce is ugly, but it's survivable.

The thing about it, is that it erodes confidence in your decision making capabilities. It shatters your conceptions of what you think you want. It means that what you thought you wanted, wasn't. It takes time to get over. It takes time to get your groove back. It changes said groove, or at least, if you're smart, it should.

You took someone into your life, and you swore before God and your family and friends that THIS was the one. And it wasn't. That means, if you're smart, you take a few to consider what you really wanted. What went wrong. What you missed. What you glossed over. What mistakes YOU made. There is plenty of time for recrimination, but if you're smart, take some time to figure YOUR sh*t out. Anger, recrimination, and the rest, those are natural, but at the end of things, you have to figure out your own culpability, or you're going to make the same damn mistakes again.

That means that maybe, just maybe, you don't date for a bit. And accept that the first time you do, that it's going to be a bit rocky, on your part. In part because you're out of practice, in part because no matter how ready you think you are, you're probably not. Chances are, you're going to f*ck up that Boobies divorce relationship. Don't pin your hopes and dreams on that one, because it's for practice. If the gal or guy you're dating post divorce is smart will realize this, and give you some space, and will be understanding. Chances are, you're going to screw it up by expecting things to be easy, and that you're ready. You probably won't be, and you'll realize that fairly soon. It's a learning curve. You may get lucky. You may be amazingly lucky, or you may find someone who realizes that you're damaged goods and is patient and decent, but the odds aren't great for that. Especially if they're post divorce too. Understand that going in. If and when it falls apart, you can't let that shake you back down to the core, but learn from it. And hopefully ...


This.

One thing I have learned is that there are worse things than being alone.

Sometimes there's being alone with someone.
 
2012-12-27 05:31:17 AM

Rhino_man: So now I'm 25, working on divorce #2, and I haven't seen my daughter in almost a month because her coont of a mother decided she needed to move to another state and stop answering my calls.

Women.


First of all, two women probably don't constitute a representative sample of of half the world's population.

Second of all... if you came out of two bad marriages that ended the same way with the idea that they ended badly because women are bad, you didn't learn anything. You might want to spend a little time reflecting on your own contributions to making the relationships unhappy. Takes two, etc.
 
2012-12-27 05:37:21 AM
Married a Japanese girl. She disappeared with our baby and left the country without warning while I was at work. Got a letter from her lawyer initiating divorce proceedings from Japan. When I flew there, I was arrested when I went to her house to speak to her. Had the pleasure of getting divorced in another country in another language. Haven't seen my son since then. The best thing is that there is no way they can compel alimony from me. Still don't know what the problem was - she never gave any reason.

Now for the real advice...there is only 1 way to recover from a divorce - that's to be farking a hot chick 10 years younger than the ex ;)
 
2012-12-27 05:38:33 AM

Genevieve Marie: Rhino_man: So now I'm 25, working on divorce #2, and I haven't seen my daughter in almost a month because her coont of a mother decided she needed to move to another state and stop answering my calls.

Women.

First of all, two women probably don't constitute a representative sample of of half the world's population.

Second of all... if you came out of two bad marriages that ended the same way with the idea that they ended badly because women are bad, you didn't learn anything. You might want to spend a little time reflecting on your own contributions to making the relationships unhappy. Takes two, etc.


Someone is defensive Genevieve
 
2012-12-27 05:38:39 AM

Genevieve Marie: Rhino_man: So now I'm 25, working on divorce #2, and I haven't seen my daughter in almost a month because her coont of a mother decided she needed to move to another state and stop answering my calls.

Women.

First of all, two women probably don't constitute a representative sample of of half the world's population.

Second of all... if you came out of two bad marriages that ended the same way with the idea that they ended badly because women are bad, you didn't learn anything. You might want to spend a little time reflecting on your own contributions to making the relationships unhappy. Takes two, etc.


First of all, it was an expression of frustration - not a judgment passed upon 51% of the world's population.

Second of all, what I learned is that I need to take the time to make sure that the woman I'm marrying isn't crazy before I marry her. True story, wife #2 had been pressuring me for about a year to be a farking polygamist because she didn't want to be alone at home while I was at work, and another wife would keep her company. The bad thing is that she started all of the crazy after it was too late... not just after the wedding, she waited until she was pregnant to go berserk.
 
2012-12-27 05:40:23 AM

Smirky the Wonder Chimp: Sometimes there's being alone with someone.


We have a winner. That is the worst feeling in the world, my friend.
 
2012-12-27 05:41:16 AM
This thread summarized:

one side of the story is so compelling!
 
2012-12-27 05:47:04 AM

serial_crusher: A dude i used to work with moved to Texas from Colorado specifically to take advantage of the divorce laws.


How's that work? You have to move there before you get divorced for it to work, and both of you have to move. "Honey, we're moving to Texas so I can divorce you."
 
2012-12-27 05:49:18 AM

Diogenes The Cynic: Someone is defensive Genevieve


Nah, it was just a little decent advice. I actually wasn't trying to be a jerk- although I really don't overly care for the idea that women all share one crazy hive mind, and that seems to come out in Fark relationship threads.

Rhino_man: Second of all, what I learned is that I need to take the time to make sure that the woman I'm marrying isn't crazy before I marry her. True story, wife #2 had been pressuring me for about a year to be a farking polygamist because she didn't want to be alone at home while I was at work, and another wife would keep her company. The bad thing is that she started all of the crazy after it was too late... not just after the wedding, she waited until she was pregnant to go berserk.


And honestly, here's a little more decent advice: You married two women who weren't happy, and who obviously had their fair share of issues. Know what they have in common? You married both of them. At least some of that is you. And I'm really not saying that to be a jerk, or to be judgmental, or anything else. I'm just pointing out that if you want a chance to be happy in the future, an honest self-evaluation of what you've done wrong in the past is a good start. And blaming all the problems on the two women you married isn't going to help.

Advice rant off.
 
2012-12-27 05:54:53 AM
Guess I have been very fortunate. Been married for 7 years and haven't once gone to bed mad at each other. Never once been at work pissed off and thinking about a fight we had earlier. Never once had my spouse give me the silent treatment, and when I ask her what is wrong, have her say "nothing". We air out our laundry, and then we are done, and we immediately move on. If you are going to bed or work mad at your SO, I would approach marriage very cautiously with them.
 
2012-12-27 05:55:55 AM

Christian Bale: Not true, but we're definitely up there on the list. According to the United Nations's Demographic Yearbook, the US has the sixth-highest divorce rate. Russia, Belarus, Ukraine, Moldova and the Cayman Islands take the top five spots in that order.


Good thing those count as separate entities now or we'd be #3, and very, very close to actually being higher than every other country in the world! Hardly a debunked "myth."



How many divorces taking place in the Caymans are actually Americans?
 
2012-12-27 06:02:37 AM

Rhino_man: Got married at 20. I was a young Corporal of Marines, she was an even younger college student... I paid her way through a five-year master's program, and we had a fairly decent relationship - a few fights, but nothing too serious - until my first deployment. She decided that her limit for time without penis was 4 months, I was out of the country for 7...


You're farked until you get a desk job, man.
That you're jumping into commitment so fast is a good sign you don't want a woman who doesn't really care about being alone for a long time. And so until you're in a position where you don't deploy, you're farked.
 
2012-12-27 06:02:43 AM

Genevieve Marie: Diogenes The Cynic: Someone is defensive Genevieve

Nah, it was just a little decent advice. I actually wasn't trying to be a jerk- although I really don't overly care for the idea that women all share one crazy hive mind, and that seems to come out in Fark relationship threads.

Rhino_man: Second of all, what I learned is that I need to take the time to make sure that the woman I'm marrying isn't crazy before I marry her. True story, wife #2 had been pressuring me for about a year to be a farking polygamist because she didn't want to be alone at home while I was at work, and another wife would keep her company. The bad thing is that she started all of the crazy after it was too late... not just after the wedding, she waited until she was pregnant to go berserk.

And honestly, here's a little more decent advice: You married two women who weren't happy, and who obviously had their fair share of issues. Know what they have in common? You married both of them. At least some of that is you. And I'm really not saying that to be a jerk, or to be judgmental, or anything else. I'm just pointing out that if you want a chance to be happy in the future, an honest self-evaluation of what you've done wrong in the past is a good start. And blaming all the problems on the two women you married isn't going to help.

Advice rant off.


Trust me, I'm not trying to shunt the blame for not properly vetting them onto the women that I didn't properly vet. That's all me. I didn't take the time to really know whether or not their issues were insurmountable ones.

Wife #1 was a pretty simple case. She was a Navy brat, so she had daddy issues related to constant deployment. There's not much you can do when you leave an otherwise pretty good relationship for a 7 month deployment and come back to find that she's got a boyfriend.

Wife #2 was far more complicated. Daddy is a partner at an accounting firm and has, for as long as she can remember, been able to set his own office hours. When I got a job fixing medical equipment (which is evening/night work) she started flipping the fark out because "real men are home at night with their families." Throw in a little bit of constant fear because she was raised thinking "The knowledge of man will bring about the end of the world, Jesus said so!" and a whole lot of "I just don't think I'm wired for monogamy," shake it all up with a pregnancy, and that relationship isn't going to last very long.

I should have seen #2's issues coming from a mile away. I should have been able to steer clear... but, honestly, she was a rebound after #1. I tried to 'hit it and quit it,' never got around to the second part of that, and ended up marrying her because I was afraid to be alone.

In short, yes... I've done quite a bit of self assessment, thank you very much. There's even MORE crazy that I could lay on you, but I don't want to just throw a wall of text out there that everyone would immediately skip. I know that the common theme in both of them is that I married them, but it doesn't mean that they're not crazy... it just means that I have a poor record at detecting crazy before I marry it.
 
2012-12-27 06:04:07 AM

starsrift: Rhino_man: Got married at 20. I was a young Corporal of Marines, she was an even younger college student... I paid her way through a five-year master's program, and we had a fairly decent relationship - a few fights, but nothing too serious - until my first deployment. She decided that her limit for time without penis was 4 months, I was out of the country for 7...

You're farked until you get a desk job, man.
That you're jumping into commitment so fast is a good sign you don't want a woman who doesn't really care about being alone for a long time. And so until you're in a position where you don't deploy, you're farked.


I'm out now. I got out right after I married #2.
 
2012-12-27 06:09:33 AM

Rhino_man: In short, yes... I've done quite a bit of self assessment, thank you very much. There's even MORE crazy that I could lay on you, but I don't want to just throw a wall of text out there that everyone would immediately skip. I know that the common theme in both of them is that I married them, but it doesn't mean that they're not crazy... it just means that I have a poor record at detecting crazy before I marry it.


Eh. You're still putting the onus for everything that happened on them- it happened because they were crazy. That may be completely and totally true, but it's still only part of the truth. Just think on it.

Best of luck to you.
 
2012-12-27 06:12:31 AM

Real Women Drink Akvavit: Luckily (in a strange way), my ex tried to kill me, so I didn't have to pay alimony. He was in prison. YAY!

I am known for my poor decisions when it comes to men, that's why I finally just took some time off and said "no more dating, die alone, you stupid, chubby biatch". Now I have my first date in years, coming up New Year's Eve. I am being very, very cautious with this one, and he knows it. When I asked him out today (yes, I got brave!) we had lunch together and talked for a couple hours. We're both pretty battered by our pasts, but we both gave it a rest for a long time, so he's being cautious as well. I think that's a good thing. I also think it's a good sign that once the ice was broken we were able to be so open and honest with each other. At least I hope it is a good sign, otherwise I'll lose faith in myself completely. I just started regaining it after years of solitude, so I really don't want to lose it again.

*fingers crossed*


Great, now I have to change your favorite label so it doesn't say Death Metal Nun anymore.
 
2012-12-27 06:14:21 AM

JesusJuice: Ex-wife started making noise about alimony and taking the house. I threatened to sue for custody of her daughter from a previous marriage. She stopped pursuing alimony, and I got the house. There's no room for honor in a divorce.


Sadly, this. My ex got it into her head that I had between 40 and 100K stashed away somewhere (loooooong story), and was aided and abetted by a dimwitted lawyer who had never done a divorce case in her career.The result was three years of misery while I waited for things to work themselves out.

Now, on the other hand, my lawyer could best be described as a cross between Matlock and Darth Vader. He counseled patience, and it paid off in the end. At just the time her lawyer figured out that the ex might be just a wee bit crazy, he threw a few curve balls and the ex's lawyer jumped at the chance to settle. The ex gets a chunk of my USAF retirement every month (Federal law requires it, I really don't have that much of a problem with it, and she doesn't get anywhere near as much as she thought she was getting) and nothing else.

And in the meantime, I met - and had the good sense to marry - a smart, hot, and loving woman who wants me to be happy...and I do my damnedest to repay the favor,
 
2012-12-27 06:15:19 AM

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: As someone who recently ended an engagement, I can say at least we didn't go through with it before calling it off.

I'm a 31 year old dude and I'll probably never get married, and I'm ok with that.


You can't find the crazy compatable with you either?

I'm 32 and probably in the same boat. I'm not sure I want that though.
 
2012-12-27 06:25:09 AM

Rhino_man: If you try to take one dime, I'll have your boyfriend thrown in the brig.


Boyfriend was in the service too? But he wasn't getting deployed? So far as I know, you can't get a civilian jailed for adultery anymore. Even if they are adulterating the wife of a Marine.
 
2012-12-27 06:29:55 AM

Greywar: Lets see...
Divorce #1, she got the kids, words and stuff if I had one of the two kids because she made so little. So for the last 5 years I paid child support on a kid that lived with me.

Divorce #2, she got the kids, still talking.

Divorce #3, dude, just whack it her kids refused to go with her, and instead ended up staying with me.
Something about california.


How many kids do you have? Holy crap dude, you're like a dysfunctional Cosby Show.

/Keep it in your pants.
 
2012-12-27 06:50:06 AM
cdn.motinetwork.net

/oblig
 
2012-12-27 07:01:52 AM
Had an amicable divorce. We both changed in the years after marriage and there was no way it was going to work. Fortunately there was no fighting and no kids which made it much simpler.
We both moved on quickly and I was reminded of that when yesterday I got a text meant for his girlfriend. That was awkward.
Lucky for me the only thing we still share is a dog. The ex isn't a bad guy but we weren't gonna work out. Wish we had split sooner.
 
2012-12-27 07:08:27 AM
My ex should be paying me alimony
 
2012-12-27 07:16:30 AM

pciszek: Rhino_man: If you try to take one dime, I'll have your boyfriend thrown in the brig.

Boyfriend was in the service too? But he wasn't getting deployed? So far as I know, you can't get a civilian jailed for adultery anymore. Even if they are adulterating the wife of a Marine.


Yup. He was also a Marine, and therefore subject to a maximum penalty of 1 year in the brig under Article 134 of the UCMJ.
 
2012-12-27 07:21:09 AM
I love divorce threads on Fark

"Oh man that b*tch was crazy! She really screwed me over"

"Well what was she like before you married her?"

"Well she f*cked all of my friends, stabbed me and emptied my bank account but I was getting laid so I proposed"
 
2012-12-27 07:29:22 AM

Benni K Rok: Real Women Drink Akvavit: Luckily (in a strange way), my ex tried to kill me, so I didn't have to pay alimony. He was in prison. YAY!

I am known for my poor decisions when it comes to men, that's why I finally just took some time off and said "no more dating, die alone, you stupid, chubby biatch". Now I have my first date in years, coming up New Year's Eve. I am being very, very cautious with this one, and he knows it. When I asked him out today (yes, I got brave!) we had lunch together and talked for a couple hours. We're both pretty battered by our pasts, but we both gave it a rest for a long time, so he's being cautious as well. I think that's a good thing. I also think it's a good sign that once the ice was broken we were able to be so open and honest with each other. At least I hope it is a good sign, otherwise I'll lose faith in myself completely. I just started regaining it after years of solitude, so I really don't want to lose it again.

*fingers crossed*

Great, now I have to change your favorite label so it doesn't say Death Metal Nun anymore.


I'll  probably still be a Death Metal Nun for quite a while. I'm not going to just yell "Yay! Penis!" and hop in bed with the dude even if we do get along smashingly. I've just got a really good shot at my first New Year's kiss in many years, and I'm totally stoked. Even if things don't work out, I've got a cool new friend to hang out with, and that's always good when you tend to isolate yourself from those you don't already know IRL.
 
2012-12-27 07:42:04 AM
CSB:

1st wife: Married at 18, had three kids, she cheated on me numerous times, and divorced at 27. No contest divorce, so I did it without a lawyer. Holy shiat was that a mistake. Not only did she try to keep the kids from me during our "mutually agreed parenting time" swap (went to court for an order to restore my share, which was each school year), but instead of just getting parenting time entered into court, she's keeps biatching for more from the judge, and delaying a settlement. She's accused me of child abuse repeatedly, but when each allegation comes back as the B.S. that it is, she backs off for the next hearing so the judge never hears the reports. But that doesn't stop her lawyer from brow-beating me in front of the judge like I'm an abusive father, when we weren't even there FOR custody. Still waiting on court to be settled, at least I'm not paying child support (I have the kids most of the time), or alimony (I told her that she cheated on me with another serviceman, she's not getting a dime, and she left it at that) while waiting. Child support may get brought up, because the wonderful state of Michigan doesn't consider her current spouse's income as hers, so I could end up paying her money even if she doesn't have the kids for a single overnight stay, and her boy-toy makes more than I do.

2nd wife: Daddy issues, combined with being abandoned by her mom at 5, we never got a chance at a good start because 1st wife went full retard X 1000 as soon as we announced our engagement. We're halfway through year # 2 now, and we spent nearly all of Xmas day in separate rooms in the house (my kids with their mom this year, her son ((I adopted to keep him away from his redneck EX-marine sperm donor)) with her dad). Day after Xmas was the same, and today is looking to be no different. Having no kids in the house means we don't fight as much, but it also means we don't see each other at all. Now I'm obviously not a marriage expert but this doesn't pass the smell test to me.

/I'm starting to believe this whole 'marriage' thing isn't for me.
//White knight syndrome to the core apparently
 
2012-12-27 07:47:00 AM

NumberFiveIsAlive: CSB:

1st wife: Married at 18, had three kids, she cheated on me numerous times, and divorced at 27. No contest divorce, so I did it without a lawyer. Holy shiat was that a mistake. Not only did she try to keep the kids from me during our "mutually agreed parenting time" swap (went to court for an order to restore my share, which was each school year), but instead of just getting parenting time entered into court, she's keeps biatching for more from the judge, and delaying a settlement. She's accused me of child abuse repeatedly, but when each allegation comes back as the B.S. that it is, she backs off for the next hearing so the judge never hears the reports. But that doesn't stop her lawyer from brow-beating me in front of the judge like I'm an abusive father, when we weren't even there FOR custody. Still waiting on court to be settled, at least I'm not paying child support (I have the kids most of the time), or alimony (I told her that she cheated on me with another serviceman, she's not getting a dime, and she left it at that) while waiting. Child support may get brought up, because the wonderful state of Michigan doesn't consider her current spouse's income as hers, so I could end up paying her money even if she doesn't have the kids for a single overnight stay, and her boy-toy makes more than I do.

2nd wife: Daddy issues, combined with being abandoned by her mom at 5, we never got a chance at a good start because 1st wife went full retard X 1000 as soon as we announced our engagement. We're halfway through year # 2 now, and we spent nearly all of Xmas day in separate rooms in the house (my kids with their mom this year, her son ((I adopted to keep him away from his redneck EX-marine sperm donor)) with her dad). Day after Xmas was the same, and today is looking to be no different. Having no kids in the house means we don't fight as much, but it also means we don't see each other at all. Now I'm obviously not a marriage expert but this doesn't pass ...


... BROTHER!
 
2012-12-27 07:54:11 AM
Marine dudes. Don't they warn servicemen that some women are predatory toward men in the service? I know when a friend's brother enlisted many years ago (though he was in the army) they warned all the young enlisted men that there were women who would know they were lonely, had guaranteed income and would pretty much fling themselves at the service dudes - and it wasn't a good thing. He was trippin' on that for days, because he had just met this cute girl (he was only 18 at the time, I think) and she was all over him like white on rice. It did give him  pause and made him scrutinize her a bit more, that's for sure.

They did eventually marry and have children and are still together, more than 20 years later, but that's not always the case as you both sadly found out. (So sorry that happened to both of you, btw. Should never happen to anyone.)
 
2012-12-27 08:00:25 AM
While mine was a 'long term' marriage (in NC) she got one of the houses (McMansion) the kids, my 1/2 of the business, 1/2 of 70% of my money markets/401K/etc (her attorney forgot the other ones - oops) and I have the satisfaction of sleeping in a real bed for the first time in 4 years, can watch/do/say whatever I want and have iron-clad faith that despite the coldest, loneliness night of my future life, it will still be more comforting, satisfying and warm that trying to poke that dried, smokey husky a Brillo pad that had once been a vagina... nor will I miss her 'Stevie Wonder', areola s as large as slices of fried bologna or the endless options of either missionary position, missionary position or missionary position.

Oh - and I finally found (albeit temporary) a woman that absolutely loved to schtup and finally FINALLY got a hummer - first one since 1989 - but I got one orally fixated, swimmer slurping woman - so I know they're out there.
 
2012-12-27 08:03:44 AM
I dodged the bullet, and purely by chance.

Dated a girl for 4 years, got engaged on our 4th anniversary in October, and planned to get married on the 5th anniversary the next year. Somewhere during that last year, she started cheating on me with someone she worked with and doing a lot of partying. It was her last year in school and she was the classic cute, silly, good girl for most of her life. I think she had a "I'm graduating college, getting married, and never did anything wild" breakdown, at least from the looks of it. So she went off the deep end and went from a mild-mannered(but awesome in bed) loving, overachiever studying logistics and supply chain management to drunken club whore in a few months. She hid it pretty well at first, but in the summer I was gone for three weeks for Army training, and apparently that's when it really took off. We had a trip planned to Cedar Point for the weekend right when I got back. Nothing huge as we only live a few hours away, but a nice fun weekend together. We did end up going and she was really really nice and sweet the whole time. I thought she got over her party girl phase and was back to her old self. We had a great weekend, spent the night together when we got home, and she left for work the next morning after some awesome morning sex.

Texted me 10 minutes after she left that she was leaving me for a guy from her work. Never saw her again. I found the engagement ring sitting on my dresser. I did end up getting some straight answers out of one of her friends that I kinda knew. She told me all about my exes partying and club nights, and said my ex told her that her and I broke up months ago, so she never even knew that she was cheating on my the whole time she was banging other guys.

Getting dumped like that after 4 and half years, and finding out that the person I thought I was going to marry turned into a whole different person really shook me up. I started drinking a lot and probably would have gotten a lot worse, but I ended up getting deployed to Afghanistan 6 months after that happened. Now, a few years later, I realize that if it was going to happen at all, I'm glad it happened how and why it did. If my ex had been more ruthless and cunning and not as caught up in the partying, she could have gone through with the marriage and probably made off with a ton of my deployment money, plus the ring. Dumping me and leaving the ring before we got married saved me tens of thousands of dollars in the end, plus no lawyers, judges, etc.

I dodged the bullet that time, and I don't plan on jumping in front of the gun again.
 
2012-12-27 08:16:46 AM
2009- 36 years old, alcoholic cheating soon to be ex-wife, divorce court, bankruptcy, no car, living in my parent's basement sleeping on a pile of blankets, no social life, barely able to concentrate on my job...

2012- 39 years old, nice apartment, new car, healthy savings and retirement accounts, several vacations per year to wherever I feel like going, active social life, several promotions at work...

NEVER getting married again!
 
2012-12-27 08:18:35 AM

Christian Bale: Myth #6: The mother almost always gets custody of the children.

Legally, though, that's not the case....The best interest of the child also could preclude a mom from gaining custody, says Dr. Tessina. If a judge doesn't deem that the mother meets the state's standards for being a fit parent, she won't be awarded primary custody. If both parents are fit to raise the child, they're typically granted shared custody.

So in other words, the mother doesn't always get custody of the children, but she almost always gets custody of the children. Busted yet another myth!


I came here to address this point as well. The article basically says that is the woman is not deemed insane by the state, she will get custody. I find that to be true in my experience as well. I suppose it is a myth that I always use 87 Octane gas then because a couple of times a year I put premium in.
 
2012-12-27 08:22:39 AM

Real Women Drink Akvavit: Marine dudes. Don't they warn servicemen that some women are predatory toward men in the service? I know when a friend's brother enlisted many years ago (though he was in the army) they warned all the young enlisted men that there were women who would know they were lonely, had guaranteed income and would pretty much fling themselves at the service dudes - and it wasn't a good thing. He was trippin' on that for days, because he had just met this cute girl (he was only 18 at the time, I think) and she was all over him like white on rice. It did give him  pause and made him scrutinize her a bit more, that's for sure.

They did eventually marry and have children and are still together, more than 20 years later, but that's not always the case as you both sadly found out. (So sorry that happened to both of you, btw. Should never happen to anyone.)


You'd be surprised how many guys stationed in South Korea believe the drinky girl when she says he's the only one she really cares about.
 
2012-12-27 08:28:11 AM

Tat'dGreaser: I love divorce threads on Fark

"Oh man that b*tch was crazy! She really screwed me over"

"Well what was she like before you married her?"

"Well she f*cked all of my friends, stabbed me and emptied my bank account but I was getting laid so I proposed"


My divorce was the opposite, nobody got screwed figuratively or literally. Our lives just grew apart and we were living like roommates so we pulled the plug. Whole divorce cost about $500.
 
2012-12-27 08:29:46 AM
11 years married to a california delta-trash princess
she never left the sofa, never wanted to evolve beyond where she grew up
(even had me turn down a job in hawaii)
daddy issues led her to farking a string of 60+y/o men

didn't kill her

I'm 3000 miles away from it,
got a 200 pound mastiff at home who thinks I'm awesome
a best pal who joined me to run with the bulls in july
a gal I dated 20 years ago who loves me to death (and digs chicks)
I've done more, and gone more places even just in the last year..than in 11 years of marriage

marriage can be awesome
divorce can be spectacular

I really feel for you poor bastardos who are stuck in misery
or paying vaginamony to someone you would happily bury alive
raise a glass for you
one day you'll be free
 
2012-12-27 08:31:52 AM

Tat'dGreaser: I love divorce threads on Fark

"Oh man that b*tch was crazy! She really screwed me over"

"Well what was she like before you married her?"

"Well she f*cked all of my friends, stabbed me and emptied my bank account but I was getting laid so I proposed"


I love the fact that it is pretty much always the woman's fault too.  I know sometimes you see a girl on her complaining about a guy, but rarely do you see either side say that they screwed up.  Well at least not in a somewhat public setting.
 
2012-12-27 08:32:28 AM
Beware divorcing in Florida. They grant lifetime alimony.

/paying alimony until death do us part
//or until she gets re-married, which probably will never happen
 
2012-12-27 08:33:39 AM

ThatGuyGreg: The only good thing I got from the state of North Carolina was the divorce laws.

/no alimony


Alimony is largely a myth these days unless you are a trophy spouce and the breadwinner is making huge dollars or you worked a McJob while the spouce went through medical school, etc. My ex was a stay at home mom and because she didn't have a job she figured she was entitled to all of my money. By her "thought" process I needed to keep her living in a lifestyle she had been accustomed to and that took all my earnings when we were married so she should get it all (+ about 80% more ) when we divorced.

The thing is that she has an BS-RN degree that she insisted on keeping up to date even though she had no intention of going back to work while we were married. The judge took a look at her degree and said her earning potential was roughly equivanent to mine and so no alimony. I knew that was coming, my lawyer knew that was coming and I'm sure her lawyer knew it was comming too. She insisted that she was "owed" and made an ass of herself once she saw her payday (between alimony and child support) get flushed down the crapper. I'm convinced her in-court behavior is why she lost on so many other items that could have gone either way.
 
2012-12-27 08:38:32 AM
FTA: Myth #4: Divorce is incredibly expensive. "Thankfully, those costly cases aren't the norm. As long as the two parties involved amicably agree on who gets what and don't head to court each time to make a decision, the fees are manageable, says Silvana D. Raso, a matrimonial and family law attorney..."

I don't think this "myth" is based on "the norm", nor is it based on an "amicable divorce". Also: an attorney whose livelihood depends on divorce says 'it's not really all that expensive' to the surprise of no one at all...

FTA: Myth #6: The mother almost always gets custody of the children.

Nowhere in this entire "debunking" is a statistic used. It simply says "a judge considers the 'best interests of the child'," well duh. Thanks for that clarification, and for not at all or in any way addressing the probable split between a vaguely-stated ideal and the practical application of law which many people believe occurs (by way of judges exhibiting gender bias- i.e. the 'best interest of the child' is to be brought up by women, who are just better at raising kids from the get-go- 'cuz they're women) this "myth" is very probably based upon.

This is kinda a shame that points like this show such poor support, since come of the other assertions actually are pretty intriguing, and would be worth looking at if the premises backing a sizable number of them up weren't as flimsy as cardboard.
 
2012-12-27 08:40:08 AM

littlett's: Tat'dGreaser: I love divorce threads on Fark

"Oh man that b*tch was crazy! She really screwed me over"

"Well what was she like before you married her?"

"Well she f*cked all of my friends, stabbed me and emptied my bank account but I was getting laid so I proposed"

I love the fact that it is pretty much always the woman's fault too.  I know sometimes you see a girl on her complaining about a guy, but rarely do you see either side say that they screwed up.  Well at least not in a somewhat public setting.


Yup. And I'd say that it's almost never entirely one person's fault- even in cheating situations.

Usually, in cheating situations, someone is looking for something that's missing from the relationship. Granted, it's a terrible way to handle it. But if you've been repeatedly cheated on, you can go one of two ways: You can assume that it means all relationships, everywhere, are doomed to failure and that women are crazy/evil or men are pigs/assholes.

Or you can acknowledge that there's a reason the story keeps repeating and start looking for what that is. Self-reflection is hard, but it's generally worthwhile.

/good to see you around again.
 
2012-12-27 08:40:19 AM
So by my count 1,2,4,6 are not myths. What a shiatty article.
 
2012-12-27 08:43:26 AM
Myth #6: The mother almost always gets custody of the children.

Why not post the stats to back up this BS.
 
2012-12-27 08:46:06 AM

TomD9938: My brothers wife recently left him after 25 years marriage. No abuse, drunkenness or secret fabulousness, just that the kids were gone off to college and she got bored - wanted to start a new life.

I can absolutely appreciate that and I understand splitting the property down the middle. What I dont understand is why she then gets 4k/mo for life (just under half his income) and a similar percentage of his pension upon retiring.

Makes the 100k or so I paid in child support over 18 years seem like so much chicken-feed.


I don't believe this, even a shiatty divorce lawyer could have gotten a better deal
 
2012-12-27 08:48:33 AM

Greywar: Lets see...
Divorce #1, she got the kids, then later when I made more money then she had ever seen, she asked for 2/3rds of it in child support, I asked for the kids, judge told me no because I owed child support from before I made tons of money (I was paying it down), then told her he was tir3ed of seeing people like her try to take every dime the guy had..and ordered the minimum child support he was allowed to. $50/month per kid. Attorney was so upset that I didn't get custody that he waived his fee. (no joke). 6 years later she asked me to take one of them saying she was "too much like you". Asked me if I wanted to go to court to get the child support re-evaluated. heck no..any judge looking at it again would have nailed me for $1000/mo even if I had one of the two kids because she made so little. So for the last 5 years I paid child support on a kid that lived with me.

Divorce #2, she got the kids, claimed abuse, etc etc. I didn't get to see my kids for 5 years. Finally got to see them again-long story short in the end she ran off again, I hired a PI and a lawyer, and had her served with custody papers...the same day the state took the kids from her for neglect. They placed the kids with me, and thousands of dollars later in attorney fee's I have custody of my kids.

Divorce #3, no kids, she left me for a friend. long story. But...get this...her kids refused to go with her, and instead ended up staying with me. she paid child support as did her ex, but not nearly enough to really cover the cost. Her son just came up to visit for the holidays, he spent 2 weeks at my house...and 5 hours at hers. LOL.

And I DO know someone whose ex-wife takes 1/2 his income, and while doing so got herself a phd, and a BF with a ton of money..but she wont marry him because then she would lose 1/2 her income from this guy. Thats down in California. If he is any guide..dont get divorced in CA.


Sounds like you ended up with a bunch of kids.
 
2012-12-27 08:48:39 AM
Wow that article couldn't be more full of shiat if it was a toilet.
 
2012-12-27 08:51:23 AM

Two16: Wow that article couldn't be more full of shiat if it was a toilet.


People aren't here for the article.
 
2012-12-27 08:52:19 AM
+1 to Minnesota divorce. No court, just sign away for a notary and its done. No alimony, was cheap, kept all my stuff (except the ps3... totally worth it).

#3 caught me offguard though...I'd like to think I've learned my lesson the first time around. Then again I'd consider marrying my GF just to save on medical bills, sooooo, I probably didn't learn a thing.

I like to consider myself a hero for destroying the sanctity of marriage.
 
2012-12-27 08:55:03 AM
I like how the article outright states that #1, #2, and #7 are essentially correct, and #6 hedges so hard that it's pretty obvious they're almost lying outright.

So... really? Over half of the "myths" are stated to be no such thing in an article claiming they're debunked inappropriate exclamation point? That's some good journalistin', there, Lou.

//Hint: If you have to make extremely fine technical distinctions, or expand the context to refer to conditions that the generality you're addressing clearly wasn't meant to address ("divorce totally isn't expensive if both parties agree on the conditions with no conflicts", no goddamned shiat Sherlock), then you have in no way debunked the generality in question. No one thinks that living together because one of you lost her job is supposed to be included in the "living together to prepare for marriage" category, you insufferable moron.
 
2012-12-27 08:57:53 AM
Myth #6: The mother almost always gets custody of the children.

My dad and his coont of a second wife got custody of my brother and me, because he convinced the judge that my mom was "irresponsible." After 5 years of abuse (physical, mental, emotional, and yes, worse) from both of them, I "ran away" to my mom's. My brother tries to avoid contact with Dad as much as possible.

His second wife got custody of their son in his second divorce, then kicked the kid out of her house when she could no longer get child support for him.
 
2012-12-27 08:59:55 AM

StreetlightInTheGhetto: kremvax: cheap_thoughts: I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.

as someone in that situation - wtf exactly do you suggest? I don't want to ever be away from my kid, but marriage is pretty miserable (I suspect it's not for me in general).

Honestly, I grew up on a house where I would have preferred if my Dad divorced my Mom. I love them both... but he should have. The SO's parents divorced his freshman year of college (bonus they married really young) and he wished they had done it years earlier when the writing was on the wall.

If your kids are really young it's one thing. If they're past say 12 IMHO it's worse to put on a happy face when reality is not only stupidly obvious but also affecting their lives as well.

I really wish my Mom got a desperately needed wake up call and my Dad got a chance to be happier. It still would have sucked but in the long run...


This.

My parents have been miserable with each other since the mid-90s and are finally going through the process of ending things now. My brother and I have been out of high school for 6 years and a decade respectively, we still don't know why it took them this long. It's painful to see 2 alcoholics who hate each other living together, and I'm honestly happy for them that they're finally accepting the fact that they don't work and don't have to stay together.
 
2012-12-27 09:00:40 AM

tom baker's scarf: The thing is that she has an BS-RN degree that she insisted on keeping up to date even though she had no intention of going back to work while we were married.

...

She insisted that she was "owed" and made an ass of herself once she saw her payday (between alimony and child support) get flushed down the crapper.


Your ex has the weirdest mix of wise and stupid I've ever heard. Reasonable enough to plan to be self-sufficient even if something goes wrong, then completely floored when something goes wrong and she's expected to remain self-sufficient?

I just don't get people sometimes.
 
2012-12-27 09:02:26 AM
Unmarried for life here. I am convinced that, even in the highly unlikely even that I find a woman willing to put up with my shiat, she wouldn't put up with it for long. The good thing about never marrying is never having to get divorced.

/"get the f**k out of this thread, Pfom!!, you loser"
 
2012-12-27 09:03:08 AM

hubiestubert: Divorce is ugly, but it's survivable.

The thing about it, is that it erodes confidence in your decision making capabilities. It shatters your conceptions of what you think you want. It means that what you thought you wanted, wasn't. It takes time to get over. It takes time to get your groove back. It changes said groove, or at least, if you're smart, it should.

You took someone into your life, and you swore before God and your family and friends that THIS was the one. And it wasn't. That means, if you're smart, you take a few to consider what you really wanted. What went wrong. What you missed. What you glossed over. What mistakes YOU made. There is plenty of time for recrimination, but if you're smart, take some time to figure YOUR sh*t out. Anger, recrimination, and the rest, those are natural, but at the end of things, you have to figure out your own culpability, or you're going to make the same damn mistakes again.

That means that maybe, just maybe, you don't date for a bit. And accept that the first time you do, that it's going to be a bit rocky, on your part. In part because you're out of practice, in part because no matter how ready you think you are, you're probably not. Chances are, you're going to f*ck up that Boobies divorce relationship. Don't pin your hopes and dreams on that one, because it's for practice. If the gal or guy you're dating post divorce is smart will realize this, and give you some space, and will be understanding. Chances are, you're going to screw it up by expecting things to be easy, and that you're ready. You probably won't be, and you'll realize that fairly soon. It's a learning curve. You may get lucky. You may be amazingly lucky, or you may find someone who realizes that you're damaged goods and is patient and decent, but the odds aren't great for that. Especially if they're post divorce too. Understand that going in. If and when it falls apart, you can't let that shake you back down to the core, but learn from it. And hopefully, be smart enough to stay friends with this person, because you owe them a lot.

The thing about divorce is, that it's like a cycle of addiction. You get out, and you are immediately set back emotionally to the place you were when you started the whole shebang. If that was a relationship you started in college, boy howdy, you are in for a rude awakening. Common wisdom says the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone, and in part, that can be true, but it's real hard on the folks you date. If you don't want to be an asshat, you might want to check that impulse, because these are real people, and they have feelings, and as screwed up as you are probably going to be for awhile, you might want to get back down to some hardcore YOU time. Taking time after you split is natural. It's time to reflect. Time to get your sh*t together. I urge you to do exactly that, so you do less damage. To yourself. To others.

There IS a good side. You learn a lot about yourself after a divorce. And during a divorce. You can take those lessons and do something constructive, or you can bury them and continue the cycles that got you into the mess in the first place. That is the route that most folks take, and it takes some time to master. You don't have to be a monk, but maybe take some time to figure out what you really want, and where you screwed up. And be honest about it. Not just with your partners, but with yourself. It probably means confronting some ugly sh*t about yourself. What your illusions were going into things. What your expectations were vs reality. It ain't easy. It IS worth the time you spend getting your head and heart right.

Not every relationship post divorce is going to be serious. Heck, it's probably a good idea to have something entirely casual, so you don't try to replace ONE serious relationship with another, because that is an ugly road, and it hangs a LOT of baggage on the new one. Let the new ones be their own thing. Celebrate those things. Celebrate the new. The new relationship. The new trust you have in yourself. The new person. The new road you're taking. Be careful, be honest, and don't try to force relationships into being something they ain't. That goes for any break up, but marriage is special in that you had all these dreams of getting old with someone that didn't pan out, and that rocks you. It's supposed to. If it doesn't, then there is something wrong. You might want to ponder that a moment, and figure out what that is, and THEN move on, otherwise you're going to wind up making the same damn mistakes. In choosing partners. In dealing with partners. In dealing with the relationship in general.

There is life after divorce, and even great times ahead, but you need to consider some things before getting back out there. Do that, and take the time to ponder a bit, and you'll be better for it. Swears.


If possible, I'd double favorite you.
 
2012-12-27 09:03:11 AM
this entire thread smells like ballsack and Cheetos. ought to be a sign out front that says STINKY GURLS NOT ALOWD.
 
2012-12-27 09:06:20 AM

JesusJuice: Ex-wife started making noise about alimony and taking the house. I threatened to sue for custody of her daughter from a previous marriage. She stopped pursuing alimony, and I got the house. There's no room for honor in a divorce.


Well there is no room to be stupid but if you have kids being openly mean and petty will bite you in the tush. If you can stay calm while the ex is losing their shiat the kids (and friends/family) really start to see the hidden dynamics. Our ten year old picked up on the situation. One day she commented that it seemed strange that mommy wanted a divorce because she so unhappy and angry now.
 
2012-12-27 09:07:58 AM

Dr. Goldshnoz: Old man used to say the 40k buyout and attorney fees to end the divorce and get rid of her was the best deal of his life.


A guy I work with said he happily writes his alimony check every month if that's what it costs him to be rid of that terrible woman.
 
2012-12-27 09:10:38 AM

Atomic Spunk: If you have never been married, don't give up hope because of what you read here. Being married can be really fulfilling. On those days where you feel that nothing is going right, it sure is nice to have someone to offer you words of encouragement and support. If you ever feel sorry for yourself, it's great to have someone who can remind you of all of the good things in your life. And while you don't need a marriage certificate to have this kind of relationship, it certainly works for the millions of couples who've gone through it.

/married 19 years, together for 5 years before marriage
//neither of us has ever brought up the possibility of divorce in our relationship
///we do argue, but we never fight "dirty"


HA AHA HAHAHAHA HAHA AHHAAAA! Go on then! Pull the other one!
 
2012-12-27 09:17:46 AM

willfullyobscure: this entire thread smells like ballsack and Cheetos. ought to be a sign out front that says STINKY GURLS NOT ALOWD.


It's like going to the zoo but instead of tigers and monkeys you get to peer into the lives of sad crazy people.

I like it.
 
2012-12-27 09:23:17 AM
Take the punani factor out of the picture and, unless she's LOADED (wha? Did I insult some women with my materialism?... hard looking in a mirror ain't it women) there is absolute NO reason for marriage.

You see those poor bastards on Bridezilla shows - do they really think she's going to be more mature, less demanding, less of a princess or suddenly get thinner once her "Special Princess Day" (which she's been convinced she's entitled to since day one)?>????? These dipshiats deserve the ensuing hell.

Trolls have been demanding equal rights (ERA) and for us to 'hear her roar in numbers too big to ignore" for decades. Time to stand on your own feet Rosie the Riveter and deal with life like we have to. Little kitten might have to live withOUT the "lifestyle upon which she's become accustomed"....
 
2012-12-27 09:31:03 AM
I was divorced about twenty years ago and am way past it now... though I chose not to marry again I did enter a new relationship that recently ended after eight years together and I learned to my surprise that I had been married again! Something called "common law".
But the good news was that common law divorce was a lot easier; we didn't have to go to court, just down to WalMart to have our lay-away account split into two... and common law alimony is a lot easier too! I have to give her my roll-over minutes every month and three black trash bags of aluminum cans (un-crushed) that I pick up beside the highway.
 
2012-12-27 09:32:40 AM

Jim_Callahan: tom baker's scarf: The thing is that she has an BS-RN degree that she insisted on keeping up to date even though she had no intention of going back to work while we were married.

...

She insisted that she was "owed" and made an ass of herself once she saw her payday (between alimony and child support) get flushed down the crapper.

Your ex has the weirdest mix of wise and stupid I've ever heard. Reasonable enough to plan to be self-sufficient even if something goes wrong, then completely floored when something goes wrong and she's expected to remain self-sufficient?

I just don't get people sometimes.


It wasn't planning. that takes logical thought. she kept the degree up to date as a matter of pride triggered mostly by low self esteem/daddy issues. in response to an imagined slight she would say things like "I'm smart too, I have a degree, I could get a job tomorrow if I wanted." I always agreed and told her I though her getting job was a brilliant idea.

She has a bad case of "If I think life should be a certain way then reality must conform to make my vision true." Despite the fact that it has never worked out for her she doesn't seem to understand that reality isn't a Lifetime movie. There is no magical 2 minute montage that allows you to get your life back in order, meet the perfect guy and become CEO of your own business. She's constantly amazed when I get promoted at work, it's like something has told her that the ex-husband is suppose to cycle into a drain of despair and uselessness as the long-suffering, now unshackled woman is reborn as the Earth-Goddess she truly is. Despite the fact that she "knows" that is how life is supposed to go, for some reason it isn't working out that way?

/ that's probably my fault too. :)
 
2012-12-27 09:33:17 AM
100 % of all divorces start in marriage..
 
2012-12-27 09:33:23 AM

someguy945: FTA:

Myth 1 Headline: One in two marriages ends in divorce.
Myth 1 Body: A more accurate divorce rate for American marriages ranges from 40% to 50%

Uhhh...that's probably not how I would lead off the article, if I was writing it.


Yeah, pretty stupid article. Most of it boiled down to: "X doesn't happen all the time, it only happens almost all the time."
 
2012-12-27 09:34:17 AM

bump: Take the punani factor out of the picture and, unless she's LOADED (wha? Did I insult some women with my materialism?... hard looking in a mirror ain't it women) there is absolute NO reason for marriage.

You see those poor bastards on Bridezilla shows - do they really think she's going to be more mature, less demanding, less of a princess or suddenly get thinner once her "Special Princess Day" (which she's been convinced she's entitled to since day one)?>????? These dipshiats deserve the ensuing hell.

Trolls have been demanding equal rights (ERA) and for us to 'hear her roar in numbers too big to ignore" for decades. Time to stand on your own feet Rosie the Riveter and deal with life like we have to. Little kitten might have to live withOUT the "lifestyle upon which she's become accustomed"....


There's so much hyperbole and over the top euphemism here that I'm tempted to think it's a troll of some kind...except it's all so deliciously true.
 
2012-12-27 09:34:59 AM

tom baker's scarf: She has a bad case of "If I think life should be a certain way then reality must conform to make my vision true."


So she's a woman?
 
2012-12-27 09:39:14 AM

Naptowner:
One thing that sucks about child support, in my state at least, is that there is no guarantee that the money will actually be used for the child's benefit. And there is no credit given for the expenses incurred by the parent without physical custody for having a larger home than would otherwise be needed to accommodate the kids, or for the non-custodial parent's purchases of food, clothing and other items for the children. I don't have any sympathy for deadbeats, but it's definitely a broken system.


That's how it is in Ohio. I have paid child support from day one and not even 10% of it is spent on my daughter. I have to buy all of her clothes for school or she will be in old ragged clothes that no longer fit. I pay for any extra-curricular activities, I pay for new shoes, I pay for school pictures, etc. etc. If I didn't, she just wouldn't get those things. Her mother is too busy popping out more kids from different guys to actually work or care for the children she already has. It works out pretty well for the mother - she is bringing in $2k a month tax-free from having three kids by three different men. (I think number four is on the hook as we speak). At least when I was dumb enough to fall into the trap she didn't already have children.

Oh well - lesson learned. Don't stick it in crazy and you can't trust products from the Trojan company.
 
2012-12-27 09:43:29 AM
You have a Fark login. That right there means, "Stay out of the gene pool."
 
2012-12-27 09:45:17 AM

UtopianDevil: I think number four is on the hook as we speak). At least when I was dumb enough to fall into the trap she didn't already have children.

Oh well - lesson learned. Don't stick it in crazy and you can't trust products from the Trojan company.


I'm sorry about your luck, but reading stuff like this makes me love having gotten a vasectomy more and more. I decided long ago I didn't want kids, but the "You never know..." argument always made me hesitate. Then an army buddy knocked up a chick he met at a bar. We both ended up taking some slightly above mediocre chicks home using the "just home from Afghanistan" card. I got whiskey-dick, or in my case vodak-dick, and ended up passing out before pulling the proverbial trigger. He ended up with a kid and child support payments. I got the vasectomy about a month after he got the "you're gonna be a daddy" call.
 
2012-12-27 09:56:34 AM
The only thing I learned from my parents divorce, after 30 years of marriage, was never get married. This idea has been confirmed to me by every older married guy I ever met. They all say the same thing, "don't do it, it turns to crap no matter what you do, at best it's a tedious bore, at worst it's a living hell with financial ruin thrown in for good measure." I see friends who are married and they're all miserable, both spouses in every marriage have gained significant weight, after a few drinks they privately tell me their sex life sucks, one said it's like being in prison with a big fat cellmate who doesn't want to have sex with you.

Today after work I'm going to stop off for a pizza and a few beers, I dare one of the married men to do that without their wife's permission and see how that works out for you. If you get married once, fine, you were in love, or thought you were. If you get divorced and then marry again, you have a concussion.
 
2012-12-27 09:56:50 AM

Dr. Goldshnoz: Old man used to say the 40k buyout and attorney fees to end the divorce and get rid of her was the best deal of his life.


That's exactly how I got my ex-wife off my back. Cost me plenty, but it was worth it . Last I heard she had bought a home with it which she promptly lost because she couldn't make the monthly payments.Stupid farkin' biatch.
 
2012-12-27 10:00:39 AM

taurusowner: UtopianDevil: I think number four is on the hook as we speak). At least when I was dumb enough to fall into the trap she didn't already have children.

Oh well - lesson learned. Don't stick it in crazy and you can't trust products from the Trojan company.

I'm sorry about your luck, but reading stuff like this makes me love having gotten a vasectomy more and more. I decided long ago I didn't want kids, but the "You never know..." argument always made me hesitate. Then an army buddy knocked up a chick he met at a bar. We both ended up taking some slightly above mediocre chicks home using the "just home from Afghanistan" card. I got whiskey-dick, or in my case vodak-dick, and ended up passing out before pulling the proverbial trigger. He ended up with a kid and child support payments. I got the vasectomy about a month after he got the "you're gonna be a daddy" call.


I rather wish I had done the same. I had attempted to get a vasectomy at 23, but none of the doctors I spoke to were willing to do the procedure since I was that young and didn't already have children. My daughter was born when I was 27 and I finally talked a doctor into giving me the snip. At least I don't have to worry about it happening again. Of course, being married now and not screwing around with crazy women helps too.
 
2012-12-27 10:02:21 AM
Divorce was sprung on me the day after New Years, because if we didn't get divorced she would wind up sleeping around, her words not mine. Said she wanted to live for herself (pour ma gueule she said in french) and do things her way. I had always been under the assumption that we already were. Divorce was the right thing, probably at the wrong time, at least it was for me and my daughter. I pay way too much child support compared to what is considered normal here. When she asked for more money I told her to fark off, and that if she pressed me on it I would simply leave this country, and she would get nothing(her family is loaded). I only stayed/stay as I grew up without my parents, and I intend to always be there for my daughter, but I will no longer be pushed into paying more.
Never thought I would get married again, then I met a wonderful women from Illinois, living in Paris, what are the odds? Wedding is planned for next year
 
2012-12-27 10:03:17 AM

Genevieve Marie: Or you can acknowledge that there's a reason the story keeps repeating and start looking for what that is. Self-reflection is hard, but it's generally worthwhile.


The problem is that few ever have the strength to consider they could be contributing to what they feel is a problem that is centered around the opposite sex.  In their mind it is a very straight forward issue that is beyond their control and is always brought onto them by the other half of the relationship.

It also astounds me the of men that think most women are these highly controlling "princesses" that expect everybody in their lives to cater to their every whim.  I know there are women like that out there, but by the amount of complaining that you see one would think that 90% of women would fall in that category.

/it's nice to have to have the time to be back.
 
2012-12-27 10:03:19 AM

Greywar: Lets see...
Divorce #1, she got the kids, then later when I made more money then she had ever seen, she asked for 2/3rds of it in child support, I asked for the kids, judge told me no because I owed child support from before I made tons of money (I was paying it down), then told her he was tir3ed of seeing people like her try to take every dime the guy had..and ordered the minimum child support he was allowed to. $50/month per kid. Attorney was so upset that I didn't get custody that he waived his fee. (no joke). 6 years later she asked me to take one of them saying she was "too much like you". Asked me if I wanted to go to court to get the child support re-evaluated. heck no..any judge looking at it again would have nailed me for $1000/mo even if I had one of the two kids because she made so little. So for the last 5 years I paid child support on a kid that lived with me.

Divorce #2, she got the kids, claimed abuse, etc etc. I didn't get to see my kids for 5 years. Finally got to see them again-long story short in the end she ran off again, I hired a PI and a lawyer, and had her served with custody papers...the same day the state took the kids from her for neglect. They placed the kids with me, and thousands of dollars later in attorney fee's I have custody of my kids.

Divorce #3, no kids, she left me for a friend. long story. But...get this...her kids refused to go with her, and instead ended up staying with me. she paid child support as did her ex, but not nearly enough to really cover the cost. Her son just came up to visit for the holidays, he spent 2 weeks at my house...and 5 hours at hers. LOL.

And I DO know someone whose ex-wife takes 1/2 his income, and while doing so got herself a phd, and a BF with a ton of money..but she wont marry him because then she would lose 1/2 her income from this guy. Thats down in California. If he is any guide..dont get divorced in CA.


Ever stop and think the problem might be you?
 
2012-12-27 10:03:55 AM
A coworkers CSB:
In his divorce papers, he and the ex agreed that she would get 'the white car'. No make, model, or year listed. She meant it as her getting his benz. He meant it as trading the mercedes to a buddy for the buddy's white pinto, and then giving that to her.

Amazingly enough, since he followed the written agreement to the word, the judge let it go through.
 
2012-12-27 10:05:43 AM

taurusowner: tom baker's scarf: She has a bad case of "If I think life should be a certain way then reality must conform to make my vision true."

So she's a woman?


well everyone suffers once and a while suffers from "It made sense to me, why didn't everyone else see it?" syndrome. That's just part of being human. the ex elevates it to an (dark) art. When other people fall victim to their own beliefs they have a tendency to, at some level, say "That didn't work out. Maybe my idea was inherently flawed?" Sometimes the answer is that it didn't work out because life doesn't always work out and there wasn't anything you could do about it. However, if it NEVER works out then you should probably start thinking about the common element in all your failed plans. That second part is the leap she can't quite make, again in no small part due to low self esteem/daddy issues.
 
2012-12-27 10:09:05 AM

sammyk: I will be faithful to her the rest of my days and do not have the slightest doubt she will do the dame.


Threesomes do tend to spice up the marriage a bit. Good for you.
 
2012-12-27 10:10:47 AM

Rhino_man: Got married at 20. I was a young Corporal of Marines, she was an even younger college student... I paid her way through a five-year master's program, and we had a fairly decent relationship - a few fights, but nothing too serious - until my first deployment. She decided that her limit for time without penis was 4 months, I was out of the country for 7.

I came home and was extremely distressed by the lack of enthusiasm that she showed for my return. Quick kiss, then into the car... mostly silent ride home (45 minute drive) and then a few awkward, sexless nights. She decided on morning #3 that she was ready for sex with me... woke me up for it in the wee hours of the morning, and hopped in the shower right after it was done, leaving her phone on the night stand. While she was in the shower, she got a text from a guy that she'd known for longer than she'd known me saying "Good morning to the most beautiful woman in the world!"

I flipped the hell out and accused her of cheating on me... I started going through all the bank records and looking at the activity on the cell phone... and all of it pointed to an affair, but there was nothing conclusive that couldn't be attributed to "He's been a really supportive friend." Three weeks of constant fighting went by, and I finally just said "screw this, I'm taking leave and going to my mom's house. I don't know when I'll be back."

I set up her MSN messenger account to record everything (because that had always been her primary means of communication with people) and took off. I came back unnanounced, while she was at work, a week later. I immediately hopped on the computer and found 12 pages of chat logs between the two of them talking about places where they'd screwed (including HER PARENTS' BED), ways that they'd spent my money (including buying clothes with money that my grandfather sent for my birthday while I was deployed, and I had no idea about) and how much of a dick they thought I was. I called her, screaming at the p ...


3.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-12-27 10:15:26 AM

tom baker's scarf: taurusowner: tom baker's scarf: She has a bad case of "If I think life should be a certain way then reality must conform to make my vision true."

So she's a woman?

well everyone suffers once and a while suffers from "It made sense to me, why didn't everyone else see it?" syndrome. That's just part of being human. the ex elevates it to an (dark) art. When other people fall victim to their own beliefs they have a tendency to, at some level, say "That didn't work out. Maybe my idea was inherently flawed?" Sometimes the answer is that it didn't work out because life doesn't always work out and there wasn't anything you could do about it. However, if it NEVER works out then you should probably start thinking about the common element in all your failed plans. That second part is the leap she can't quite make, again in no small part due to low self esteem/daddy issues.


Just out of curiosity, but do you know if your ex was really hot in high school and college? it seems women who grew into adulthood as very attractive young women get so used to men doing everything they can for them, that the attitude sticks with them for life. Even if they get old and nasty, gaining that "well OF COURSE everyone around me should do what I like because I'm pretty" attitude early in life seems to really set in and cause all sorts of problems later on when they're expected to act like an equal half of a relationship with a man, You're right that not all women are like this all the time, but I think that the hotter they were when they were younger, the more likely it is. They learn early what it's like to be treated like a princess and how to manipulate men, and they never want to give it up, even when it causes misery and disaster.
 
2012-12-27 10:15:40 AM
Oh and as someone from divorced parents, staying together for the "kids" is moronic, 90% of the time the kids know the parents are miserable.

My sister and I knew our parents were tired of each others crap years before they got divorced.
 
2012-12-27 10:18:00 AM
And some people wonder why people my age are less and less interested in getting married.
 
2012-12-27 10:21:22 AM
I've known my wife for 36 years and we have been married for 29. Although she does get a bit ticked off when I refer to her as my "first wife".
 
2012-12-27 10:25:21 AM
My parents divorced when I was ten. I'm thirty seven now, never married. If you're thinking of getting married, don't. There's around a seventy five to eighty percent chance she will file (it's nearly impossible to get accurate percentages regarding divorce because, unlike criminal cases, their kept sealed from the public) and when she does, she has the power of the state behind her. She'll win custody. Estimates as upwards of ninety eight percent of all children are granted to the mom and the child support you'll pay is based on what you're making now, if anything. However, if your making thirty thousand now and suddenly land a higher paying job, those payments are adjusted. If you then lose that job and end up on the street, the payment rates never go down, they stay the same and depending on how much you owe her, you could end up in jail or prison.

And you're kids end up being twisted, emasculated drug addicts.

Have a nice day.
 
2012-12-27 10:26:40 AM
I was with my ex for 10 years. He was unemployed for half the time and always giving excuses on why he couldn't keep and/or find a job. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he seemed geniune.

I took out a second mortgage on the house so he could start his own business. About six months after the business opened, he hired someone to manage the store and started spending all day at home chatting on the computer. I didn't find out for a couple of months until he "accidentally" left a chat window open with a mail-order bride he'd been communicating with.

I changed the locks that day, found a lawyer, and never looked back. I guess he used the money he earned from the business I started for him to bring the mail-order bride to the US. They married two months after she got here, and the business closed two months after that.

Six years later he still sends me an email every so often asking what he did wrong and letting me know he'd still like to be friends. I've never once replied.
 
2012-12-27 10:31:23 AM

Real Women Drink Akvavit: Luckily (in a strange way), my ex tried to kill me, so I didn't have to pay alimony. He was in prison. YAY!

I am known for my poor decisions when it comes to men, that's why I finally just took some time off and said "no more dating, die alone, you stupid, chubby biatch". Now I have my first date in years, coming up New Year's Eve. I am being very, very cautious with this one, and he knows it. When I asked him out today (yes, I got brave!) we had lunch together and talked for a couple hours. We're both pretty battered by our pasts, but we both gave it a rest for a long time, so he's being cautious as well. I think that's a good thing. I also think it's a good sign that once the ice was broken we were able to be so open and honest with each other. At least I hope it is a good sign, otherwise I'll lose faith in myself completely. I just started regaining it after years of solitude, so I really don't want to lose it again.

*fingers crossed*


Good Luck!
 
2012-12-27 10:33:21 AM

PanicAttack: Six years later he still sends me an email every so often asking what he did wrong


i48.tinypic.com
 
2012-12-27 10:35:54 AM

Optimus Composite: One said it's like being in prison with a big fat cellmate who doesn't want to have sex with you.


Forget marriage, that's what my last relationship was like.

/And then I found out she was a sex addict who has taken money for sex.
 
2012-12-27 10:35:59 AM

mikefinch: willfullyobscure: this entire thread smells like ballsack and Cheetos. ought to be a sign out front that says STINKY GURLS NOT ALOWD.

It's like going to the zoo but instead of tigers and monkeys you get to peer into the lives of sad crazy people.

I like it.



But seriously, this can't be a healthy place for any female, whatever the status of their relationship, the entire thing is a snowball of misogyny and fingerpointing and dudes that probably should be in prison boasting about how they put their ex wives in the poor house out of spite. brrr. creep-tastic.
 
2012-12-27 10:36:21 AM

Genevieve Marie: Usually, in cheating situations, someone is looking for something that's missing from the relationship.


Do you similarly justify the actions of men who cheat? Just wondering.
 
2012-12-27 10:36:55 AM
You know why divorce is so expensive?

Because it is worth it.

/happily married
//haven't read the whole thread
 
2012-12-27 10:37:46 AM

taurusowner: tom baker's scarf: taurusowner: tom baker's scarf: She has a bad case of "If I think life should be a certain way then reality must conform to make my vision true."

So she's a woman?

well everyone suffers once and a while suffers from "It made sense to me, why didn't everyone else see it?" syndrome. That's just part of being human. the ex elevates it to an (dark) art. When other people fall victim to their own beliefs they have a tendency to, at some level, say "That didn't work out. Maybe my idea was inherently flawed?" Sometimes the answer is that it didn't work out because life doesn't always work out and there wasn't anything you could do about it. However, if it NEVER works out then you should probably start thinking about the common element in all your failed plans. That second part is the leap she can't quite make, again in no small part due to low self esteem/daddy issues.

Just out of curiosity, but do you know if your ex was really hot in high school and college? it seems women who grew into adulthood as very attractive young women get so used to men doing everything they can for them, that the attitude sticks with them for life. Even if they get old and nasty, gaining that "well OF COURSE everyone around me should do what I like because I'm pretty" attitude early in life seems to really set in and cause all sorts of problems later on when they're expected to act like an equal half of a relationship with a man, You're right that not all women are like this all the time, but I think that the hotter they were when they were younger, the more likely it is. They learn early what it's like to be treated like a princess and how to manipulate men, and they never want to give it up, even when it causes misery and disaster.


I have seen that dynamic but that isn't the major contributor with her.

She was attractive, above average in small town but not the hottest in the school by far. I'm all but certain it really is a self esteem issue. If you know that you are basically good/smart/etc you can accept the fact that you fail every now an again, you learn, you move on.

If on the other hand you instinctively thing you are stupid/worthless/etc you obviously, desperately want not to be and so you blind yourself to all you mistakes and failures because they only serve as proof of your stupidity. Of course on some level you know you've failed to the easiest thing to do is blame someone/something else because you MUST/NEED to be right. The easiest person to blame are the ones who loves you because they will absorb a lot of punishment, right up until they won't anymore.
 
2012-12-27 10:38:54 AM
Cutting the biatch's brake line on her car is a lot cheaper than a divorce. You'd also be surprised how many people fall asleep smoking cigarettes and die in house fires. Just a thought.
 
2012-12-27 10:41:48 AM

taurusowner: tom baker's scarf: She has a bad case of "If I think life should be a certain way then reality must conform to make my vision true."

So she's a woman?


Ex-gf is like that, she had all these things she wanted to do with her life but if it didn't just magically happen, she didn't do it. She always told me I had a way of making things happen, like it was amazing or something. Even simple shiat.

Then I met a girl who was willing to go out and get what she wanted. Graduated college and had a good job, but didn't like it so she quit and went back to nursing school, and now she loves her job.

The difference is refreshing.
 
2012-12-27 10:41:54 AM

taurusowner: You're right that not all women are like this all the time, but I think that the hotter they were when they were younger, the more likely it is. They learn early what it's like to be treated like a princess and how to manipulate men, and they never want to give it up, even when it causes misery and disaster.


achtungtshirt.files.wordpress.com
 
2012-12-27 10:46:47 AM
Husband #1- I was 20, he was 22, and while he was definitely an oddball from an oddball family, I thought I could handle it. I had been in a severe car accident when we first moved in together, and had no choice but to rely on him for help for the most basic stuff, which I guess built up this need to control in him. I went with it, thinking that my willing to compromise on everything meant we had a good relationship, never mind that when he wanted something, he got it, or there was hell to pay. I wasn't allowed to see my family, I wasn't allowed to spend time with my friends, I wasn't allowed to leave the house without permission or stay out too late without checking in. I started closing up emotionally and distancing myself when I told him I wanted to spend a few days with my friends out of state, and he absolutely flipped out, and the verbal and emotional abuse started. Suddenly, I was a mean-spirited, hateful, selfish biatch for daring to want to spend time away from him, and he began to use the threat of divorce if I didn't fall back in line. For months, I wasn't allowed to go anywhere without him accompanying me, not even to the classes I was taking at the local community college.

The following year, I wound up pregnant, and not long after miscarried. His response was to start sleeping with one of the two friends I'd made at college, since obviously I was defective, but he was too fond of me to divorce me. His plan was to keep us both, since he saw no reason why he couldn't 'share his love.' We started arguing a lot, and he'd guilt me and argue that I was hateful and just jealous because he found someone else to love like he loved me. He only ever got physical once, but by that point I was scared to death of him and had such low self-esteem that I gave up fighting. I very nearly ate a bullet because I couldn't see a way out, and I still don't know what made me instead grab the phone and call my dad, but I'm glad I did- he drove up a few days later to help me move out completely and let me move in with him to try and get back on my feet. I haven't heard from ex #1 since.

Husband #2- I was stupid with this one. He was a former friend of the first ex, and I'd only been divorced a few months when he gave me some tips on job leads up in his area. I packed up and moved to southern Missouri where he was, and found work immediately, and he let me stay at his place outside of town. Almost immediately it became twisted, he confessed he'd had a crush on me for a few years, and didn't want to say anything, but once I was there it was very heavily implied that I owed him. We eloped, because at the time I didn't think anyone would want someone as messed up as me, and this was all I deserved. I ended up being the sole provider, because he preferred to spend his paycheck on the latest electronic toys, so I had to pay the bills, the car notes, the feed for the livestock, plus still make sure everything was fed before I came inside to cook dinner, do laundry, clean the house, everything he wouldn't do. I started to get angry at the situation, at myself for letting it all happen, at him for being a lazy, entitled douche, and mentally kicking myself for just being so stupid.

We ended up moving back to my parents because he quit his job making more than I did because they had him scanning and filing paperwork, which he couldn't stand. That lasted all of 2 months, when he quit working with my dad once I got my job, on top of his constant threats to move back to Missouri because God forbid he actually was expected to follow the house rules and not badmouth my stepmom on Facebook. He finally got a job in New Orleans, which was a 2 hour daily drive, and then decided at the dinner table one night that it was the perfect time to tell me I had to choose between him and my family. It's been 14 months since I last saw him.

Now, I've been living alone for the first time in a decade, working a job I enjoy, and just figuring out who I am and what I want to do with my life. I'm just beginning to date again, but so far it's nothing serious. I never intend on marrying again though, that's for damn sure.

/2013 should be interesting
//Jeebus I type a lot
 
2012-12-27 10:48:54 AM

Optimus Composite: The only thing I learned from my parents divorce, after 30 years of marriage, was never get married. This idea has been confirmed to me by every older married guy I ever met. They all say the same thing, "don't do it, it turns to crap no matter what you do, at best it's a tedious bore, at worst it's a living hell with financial ruin thrown in for good measure." I see friends who are married and they're all miserable, both spouses in every marriage have gained significant weight, after a few drinks they privately tell me their sex life sucks, one said it's like being in prison with a big fat cellmate who doesn't want to have sex with you.

Today after work I'm going to stop off for a pizza and a few beers, I dare one of the married men to do that without their wife's permission and see how that works out for you. If you get married once, fine, you were in love, or thought you were. If you get divorced and then marry again, you have a concussion.


I don't get that last statement, if I want to do that all I do is tell her what I'm doing and she if she wants to meet me or bring her anything. She doesn't get mad and frequently joins me so I have no frame of reference you speak of, hell one time I stopped at Hooters to grab a bite since it was flooding outside and traffic going home sucked. She called after about an hour to see if I had left yet, when I told her I was just walking out she told me to go back inside and she would be there in a minute.

Maybe I am spoiled like my friends keep saying.....
 
2012-12-27 10:54:23 AM

TapDancingTamarin: Husband #1- I was 20, he was 22, and while he was definitely an oddball from an oddball family, I thought I could handle it. I had been in a severe car accident when we first moved in together, and had no choice but to rely on him for help for the most basic stuff, which I guess built up this need to control in him. I went with it, thinking that my willing to compromise on everything meant we had a good relationship, never mind that when he wanted something, he got it, or there was hell to pay. I wasn't allowed to see my family, I wasn't allowed to spend time with my friends, I wasn't allowed to leave the house without permission or stay out too late without checking in. I started closing up emotionally and distancing myself when I told him I wanted to spend a few days with my friends out of state, and he absolutely flipped out, and the verbal and emotional abuse started. Suddenly, I was a mean-spirited, hateful, selfish biatch for daring to want to spend time away from him, and he began to use the threat of divorce if I didn't fall back in line. For months, I wasn't allowed to go anywhere without him accompanying me, not even to the classes I was taking at the local community college.

The following year, I wound up pregnant, and not long after miscarried. His response was to start sleeping with one of the two friends I'd made at college, since obviously I was defective, but he was too fond of me to divorce me. His plan was to keep us both, since he saw no reason why he couldn't 'share his love.' We started arguing a lot, and he'd guilt me and argue that I was hateful and just jealous because he found someone else to love like he loved me. He only ever got physical once, but by that point I was scared to death of him and had such low self-esteem that I gave up fighting. I very nearly ate a bullet because I couldn't see a way out, and I still don't know what made me instead grab the phone and call my dad, but I'm glad I did- he drove up a few days later ...


It wasn't tl;dr for me, and I'm sure getting it all out at least helped you feel better, right?

I've only had one serious relationship. Turned out we weren't nearly as compatible as we thought we were. Had an engagement ring but never proposed. We were pretty fair about dividing up our stuff I thought. I've decided that I'm not going out of my way to find another relationship any time soon. I'm too much of a mess to drag somebody else down with me.
 
2012-12-27 10:54:36 AM

log_jammin: ReapTheChaos: I've never heard of anyone paying child support for kids that weren't theirs unless they adopted them.

If you want to read some farked up stories about that, try google.

Long story short. even if you prove by a DNA test that the kid isn't yours, the judge can still make you pay if "it's in the child's best interest."


I know someone in that exact scenario. His girlfriend said the kid was his, put his name on the birth certificate, etc. A year later they broke up, he has been paying child support since then for about 5 years. Legally she was trying to get more money or deny him visitation or something like that, so a DNA test was done. He gets the results, which say that there is less than 5% chance that the kid is his. So he tries to get out of the child support payments and the court says that because he let his name be put on the birth certificate, he is liable. The only way he can get out of it is to find the real father, get him to agree to have his name put on an amended birth certificate and then have that filed with the court, so they can go after him for child support.

Why is there no penalty for women who pull this crap??? Seriously, it is so wrong!
 
2012-12-27 10:57:14 AM
I like the structure of this article. I think I will copy it. Here are my top three myths about wood:

#1: Wood comes from trees

Not so! According to Dr. Steven Baumgartner, botanist and author of Where Does Wood Come From?, "It's trees. Wood comes from trees. How do you not know this?"


#2: North America contains over 15% of the entire world's forest area

Actually, North America contains 17% of the entire world's forest area according to the Commission for Environmental Cooperation


#3: Allowing wood to dry, or "season", before burning reduces smokiness and heat output.

Jenna Harper, who writes a blog on MySpace called "How to Make a Fire!", notes that if you chop your own wood, you may want to get a good head start. "Don't try to burn unseasoned wood," she said. "It's smoky and doesn't burn very well."


There you have it! Myths -- DEBUNKED!!!!
 
2012-12-27 10:58:00 AM

TapDancingTamarin: I packed up and moved to southern Missouri where he was


In my experience, that should be a huge red flag to most people.
 
2012-12-27 10:59:32 AM

kremvax: cheap_thoughts: I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.

as someone in that situation - wtf exactly do you suggest? I don't want to ever be away from my kid, but marriage is pretty miserable (I suspect it's not for me in general).


Similar situation here - in-house separation.....but I'm with the kids 100% of the time I'm not @ work. If I move out, it's 50% max, and I am not going to be a Dad on every other weekend.
 
2012-12-27 11:00:09 AM

steamingpile: Optimus Composite:

Today after work I'm going to stop off for a pizza and a few beers, I dare one of the married men to do that without their wife's permission and see how that works out for you. If you get married once, fine, you were in love, or thought you were. If you get divorced and then marry again, you have a concussion.

I don't get that last statement, if I want to do that all I do is tell her what I'm doing and she if she wants to meet me or bring her anything. She doesn't get mad and frequently joins me so I have no frame of reference you speak of, hell one time I stopped at Hooters to grab a bite since it was flooding outside and traffic going home sucked. She called after about an hour to see if I had left yet, when I told her I was just walking out she told me to go back inside and she would be there in a minute.

Maybe I am spoiled like my friends keep saying.....


I was thinking the same thing. I don't understand the relationship dynamic some people have where one has to 'ask permission' to do normal, every day things. If I want to stop somewhere after work, I do. If the wife wants to go out with her friends, she does. I appreciate some notification (and vice versa) just so neither one is waiting around on the other for dinner or anything, but permission doesn't even come into the equation.
 
2012-12-27 11:01:31 AM
Just love the timing of this article. I'm getting married New Year's Eve... the first wife left to party with a younger guy. He moved in with her the day our divorce was final. Boys don't get married in Massachusetts, its one of just two states than mandate child support payments til the kids are 23.

The new one is much more stable. I went through the depression, anger and party phases myself, now I"m ready to settle down again.
 
2012-12-27 11:01:51 AM

Naptowner: Genevieve Marie: Christian Bale: So in other words, the mother doesn't always get custody of the children, but she almost always gets custody of the children. Busted yet another myth!

It then goes on to say that if both parents are considered fit, then joint custody is typically awarded.

There are two types of custody: physical custody and legal custody. Physical custody, which determines where the kids live and who has to pay child support, is almost always granted to the mother unless she is unfit, which is a very high standard to prove. Unless Mom is demonstrably crazy, on drugs, or in and out of jail, she normally gets physical custody if she wants it. Legal custody, which is often awarded jointly, just gives both parents the right to participate in major life decisions such as religion and education. It's basically veto power, and it's not very effective when the two ex-spouses aren't reasonably cooperative with each other.

One thing that sucks about child support, in my state at least, is that there is no guarantee that the money will actually be used for the child's benefit. And there is no credit given for the expenses incurred by the parent without physical custody for having a larger home than would otherwise be needed to accommodate the kids, or for the non-custodial parent's purchases of food, clothing and other items for the children. I don't have any sympathy for deadbeats, but it's definitely a broken system.


I always thought that was BS as well. If you are paying child support for the child the other spouse better damn well have reciepts for the things she bought with the money and not casino trips for her.
 
2012-12-27 11:05:13 AM
dionosaur
Smartest
Funniest
  2012-12-27 10:54:36 AM
log_jammin: ReapTheChaos: I've never heard of anyone paying child support for kids that weren't theirs unless they adopted them.

If you want to read some farked up stories about that, try google.

Long story short. even if you prove by a DNA test that the kid isn't yours, the judge can still make you pay if "it's in the child's best interest."

I know someone in that exact scenario. His girlfriend said the kid was his, put his name on the birth certificate, etc. A year later they broke up, he has been paying child support since then for about 5 years. Legally she was trying to get more money or deny him visitation or something like that, so a DNA test was done. He gets the results, which say that there is less than 5% chance that the kid is his. So he tries to get out of the child support payments and the court says that because he let his name be put on the birth certificate, he is liable. The only way he can get out of it is to find the real father, get him to agree to have his name put on an amended birth certificate and then have that filed with the court, so they can go after him for child support.

Why is there no penalty for women who pull this crap??? Seriously, it is so wrong!


Because "won't someone think of the children?!?!?"

Court answer on/
Child support is a right of the child and the actions of either or both parents (or assumed parents) are irrelevant.
Court answer off/

Logic on/
I always thought what would be in the best interest of the child would be for him/her to meet their biological dad. What if dad has some medical history that might have been passed down to Jr.? Maybe the kid wants to know why he's the only one in the family with dark hair, or tall, or what his dad is like. Mom basically committed a fraud and expecting her to be honest with the court, the child and the dads seems like a ethical thing to insist on.

Now if the not-dad wants to stay in the picture because he and kiddo have bonded then that's a separate issue to be worked out but sticking some poor schmoo with a support bill because he got lied to isn't remotely fair or healthy for anyone.
Logic off/
 
2012-12-27 11:07:05 AM
My brother's divorce rate is 66% so he's keeping the percentage high for the rest of us.
 
2012-12-27 11:07:35 AM

pciszek: Genevieve Marie: Usually, in cheating situations, someone is looking for something that's missing from the relationship.


Yeah, but if you have the emotional maturity of a preschooler or better, you talk about what's missing from the relationship well before it comes to cheating.
 
2012-12-27 11:09:39 AM
why live with a selfish shiat?

/life is short
 
2012-12-27 11:10:54 AM

Arumat: TapDancingTamarin: Husband #1- etc...

It wasn't tl;dr for me, and I'm sure getting it all out at least helped you feel better, right?

I've only had one serious relationship. Turned out we weren't nearly as compatible as we thought we were. Had an engagement ring but never proposed. We were pretty fair about dividing up our stuff I thought. I've decided that I'm not going out of my way to find another relationship any time soon. I'm too much of a mess to drag somebody else down with me.


It did help, and it's been a bit of an uphill battle against the negative thoughts that linger even 3 years later, but I know I'm going to be just fine. I feel the same way though, I still think I'm too much of a mess to try anything serious. It is nice to go out and have fun though.

wingnut396: TapDancingTamarin: I packed up and moved to southern Missouri where he was

In my experience, that should be a huge red flag to most people.


No freaking kidding, but apparently I had to learn the hard way.
 
2012-12-27 11:15:35 AM

someguy945: FTA:

Myth 1 Headline: One in two marriages ends in divorce.
Myth 1 Body: A more accurate divorce rate for American marriages ranges from 40% to 50%

Uhhh...that's probably not how I would lead off the article, if I was writing it.


Yeah, some wonderful reporting there. Also note how they don't actually rebut the one about custody.

The rebuttal about cohabitation basically supports it!

TomD9938: My brothers wife recently left him after 25 years marriage. No abuse, drunkenness or secret fabulousness, just that the kids were gone off to college and she got bored - wanted to start a new life.

I can absolutely appreciate that and I understand splitting the property down the middle. What I dont understand is why she then gets 4k/mo for life (just under half his income) and a similar percentage of his pension upon retiring.

Makes the 100k or so I paid in child support over 18 years seem like so much chicken-feed.


That sort of thing usually happens when she's been a stay-at-home for a long time and thus has no job prospects.

mikefinch: But then I've been with my girl since we were 18 and we are still just as happy as clams.

Anecdotal evidence is anecdotal. Don't associate with people who are prone to drama. When I want drama I read about other people's terrible relationships on fark.


Yeah. Met her at 20. Married her at 22. We are coming up on the quarter-century mark.
 
2012-12-27 11:16:21 AM

PiffMan420: Cutting the biatch's brake line on her car is a lot cheaper than a divorce. You'd also be surprised how many people fall asleep smoking cigarettes and die in house fires. Just a thought.


Even cheaper still is not marrying someone who you want to murder.
 
2012-12-27 11:16:41 AM

Another Pretentious Nickname: three myths about wood


schrutefacts.jpg
 
2012-12-27 11:17:54 AM

TapDancingTamarin: I haven't heard from ex #1 since.


While I understand the appeal of just leaving and never having contact again, you might want to make sure the marriage was actually dissolved. That usually involves seeing your ex about paperwork and stuff, and it sounds like maybe some of that didn't happen. Some people find out years later that they are still married, usually in a context where they are liable for some mess their ex has gotten into.
 
2012-12-27 11:18:41 AM

Optimus Composite: This idea has been confirmed to me by every older married guy I ever met. They all say the same thing, "don't do it, it turns to crap no matter what you do, at best it's a tedious bore, at worst it's a living hell with financial ruin thrown in for good measure."


They're doing it wrong.

Optimus Composite: I see friends who are married and they're all miserable, both spouses in every marriage have gained significant weight, after a few drinks they privately tell me their sex life sucks, one said it's like being in prison with a big fat cellmate who doesn't want to have sex with you.


See above.

Optimus Composite: Today after work I'm going to stop off for a pizza and a few beers, I dare one of the married men to do that without their wife's permission and see how that works out for you.


Works out fine for me. If it doesn't, again: you're doing it wrong.

Optimus Composite: If you get married once, fine, you were in love, or thought you were. If you get divorced and then marry again, you have a concussion.


Your mileage may in no way vary from anyone else's. And it will certainly not vary due to any action on your own part- not only in choosing to marry or not, but how you conduct your marriage going forward from that moment (should you opt to marry).

/sagenod

35 years old, married seven years. Quite happy with it. It's not always perfect of course, but if omnipresent bliss was the expectation you had going in, well, once again, you're doing it wrong. Oh so very wrong.

And I'd be the first to admit, it's certainly not for everyone. It's not required for an existing relationship to flourish, nor is it anathema to any given already happy relationship or lifestyle. You have to know yourself and the other person well enough to judge whether it's a good direction to go in or not.

If you do decide to go that way the effort hardly stops there. It's an ongoing thing. It requires a commitment, sure.

It's tempting to say people are flawed if they can't (or won't) commit, and I think that stigma's unfair too. If you know long-term commitments aren't your thing, then the smart thing to do- the mature thing to do, is not to make them. Our culture is more than a little neurotic on this point. I think if it was socially okay to admit that this wasn't your thing, then you'd see less people making the wrong call under pressure, and overall, less people unhappy with that choice.

You'd see less people this bitter about it.
 
2012-12-27 11:19:39 AM

LouDobbsAwaaaay: And some people wonder why people my age are less and less interested in getting married.


I'm the same way. It sounds like a good idea if successful but it's the successful part that seems hard to come by.
 
2012-12-27 11:20:32 AM

LouDobbsAwaaaay: PiffMan420: Cutting the biatch's brake line on her car is a lot cheaper than a divorce. You'd also be surprised how many people fall asleep smoking cigarettes and die in house fires. Just a thought.

Even cheaper still is not marrying someone who you want to murder.


How are you supposed to collect the insurance money?
 
2012-12-27 11:22:22 AM

dionosaur: So he tries to get out of the child support payments and the court says that because he let his name be put on the birth certificate, he is liable.


In some states, if a woman you are married to has a kid you are liable for support, end of story. Even if you had been deployed in Afghanistan when the kid was conceived and genetics prove that the kid could not possibly be yours.
 
2012-12-27 11:23:56 AM
American women are useless whores, they're good for a fark but that's it.
 
2012-12-27 11:24:04 AM
in the middle of a divorce, getting a kick

biggest shocker was the custody thing. my soon to be ex is getting guidance here from her min which got divorced 20 yrs ago, things have changed big time and she is going to be mighty surprised when she learns how things work now

best part is courts don't give a shiat about drama and petty nonsense. it's Luke a dissolution of a business. facts. numbers. who gets what. they generally don't care about WHY you're getting divorced.

my wife wants to tar and feather me, make me look bad, etc etc. she's a drama queen, hysterical and attention whore, all stuff that will make a judge roll his eyes and ignore. which is fine cause he'll fully understand the why the moment she starts talking.
 
xcv
2012-12-27 11:28:11 AM
Even after reading this thread, I still think I'd enjoy being divorced or unhappily married. Instead I always fell for women that want nothing to do with me or were unavailable.
 
2012-12-27 11:28:16 AM
Well, I am 37, will turn 38 in two weeks. Never been married, and I have mixed feelings about that. Been close twice, just never happened.

Me and the last ex-gf had a child together. There was a good chance that my boy was not mine by blood, but I loved him and claimed him as mine, and she called him "my son". When he passed however, that went out the window. Why? I have no idea. She took the worst time of my life and cranked it up to one hundred.

I decided to try to get a medical review on the events that led to my boy's brain damage, and subsequent death. Was told I had to be either Biological or a Legal Guardian. After two years, about the only chance to get DNA would be an exhumation. I just can not do that. So I am pretty much SOL.

The attorney I was working with told me that had my son survived, and me and the ex split, I would have been on the hook for Child Support had she went after it because I took on the mantle of father. Essentially, "You claimed to be the father, you acted as the father, you have the responsibilities of a father."

Family Law is farked up beyond all recognition.
 
2012-12-27 11:28:30 AM

groppet: Naptowner: Genevieve Marie: Christian Bale: So in other words, the mother doesn't always get custody of the children, but she almost always gets custody of the children. Busted yet another myth!

It then goes on to say that if both parents are considered fit, then joint custody is typically awarded.

There are two types of custody: physical custody and legal custody. Physical custody, which determines where the kids live and who has to pay child support, is almost always granted to the mother unless she is unfit, which is a very high standard to prove. Unless Mom is demonstrably crazy, on drugs, or in and out of jail, she normally gets physical custody if she wants it. Legal custody, which is often awarded jointly, just gives both parents the right to participate in major life decisions such as religion and education. It's basically veto power, and it's not very effective when the two ex-spouses aren't reasonably cooperative with each other.

One thing that sucks about child support, in my state at least, is that there is no guarantee that the money will actually be used for the child's benefit. And there is no credit given for the expenses incurred by the parent without physical custody for having a larger home than would otherwise be needed to accommodate the kids, or for the non-custodial parent's purchases of food, clothing and other items for the children. I don't have any sympathy for deadbeats, but it's definitely a broken system.

I always thought that was BS as well. If you are paying child support for the child the other spouse better damn well have reciepts for the things she bought with the money and not casino trips for her.


You two sound like good people.

My ex still lives in this imaginary world that if he refuses to keep a job then he should be able to get his child support reduced (new one every month or two). He also believes that because I have a boyfriend that can financially support our son and I that the courts should force us to get married so that he can magically stop paying child support (been together only 3 years). He also believes that saving the money to spend on a great christmas for our son and his future education is a joke because of the current economy (son is 6, plenty of time for things to get turned around). He also believes that I should produce reciepts for the child support because he sees me so happy that I must be using the $200 a month he rarely ever pays for date nights (hes been threatened with jail three times, right now is almost 2k in the hole, blames his criminal record as to why he cant get a decent job and not the fact that he has never been to college or a trade school to learn a skill, is that irony?).

/Sometimes I feel bad for him because he is just so miserable
//then he sends me a email or text filled with a whole bunch of crazy and that stops.
 
2012-12-27 11:31:11 AM
Married a woman that hid a history of mental unfitness that was really, really good at hiding her unfitness. The fact that she was heavily medicated at the time we met and that she lied about what the medications were for had a lot to do with she appeared.

Discovered after we divorced that she had her kid taken away by CPS twice, previously threatened to kill her older boy and had been hospitalized for mental health problems seven times.

The day we separated she asked for the cops to take her to her moms. The next day she shows up a battered Woman's shelter beaten from head to toe with bruises everywhere. It never occurred to her that the officers that escorted her from the house would notice she wasn't injured when she left my house. It wasn't the only time she pulled something like that and I now have multiple law enforcement agencies that have advised me to record every interaction with her and all refuse to bother me when she makes her crazy claims.

Another time she pulled the same thing only I had a recorder that I bought just for interactions with her. The cops knew about the recording and refused to bother me about it. She still tried to go to court for an OFP anyways. I pulled out my recording and her lawyer dropped her claims like they were the black plague.

Same woman put my kid in the hospital four time this year and last year through neglect along with a number of lesser injuries caused by neglect. Crazy thing is she has half custody as it is very hard for a man to get custody of kids. Right now I've got a forensic doctor preparing to write a pattern of neglect report so that I can file for termination of parental rights next month. I also have a fraud investigation open for the abuse claims with local law enforcement where she is looking at felony charges in the works.

Mine is a case study in how divorce can go bad when false accusations are made. At some point the truth had to come out and the end result is that right now she has a fairly decent change of going to prison for several years for multiple felonies. What choice do I have?
 
2012-12-27 11:34:31 AM

pciszek: TapDancingTamarin: I haven't heard from ex #1 since.

While I understand the appeal of just leaving and never having contact again, you might want to make sure the marriage was actually dissolved. That usually involves seeing your ex about paperwork and stuff, and it sounds like maybe some of that didn't happen. Some people find out years later that they are still married, usually in a context where they are liable for some mess their ex has gotten into.


It's a very long and complicated mess, and there's some stuff I didn't bring up, but as far as the courts go we're very much divorced. EIP if you want the whole story, or at least it should be in there. If not, username at gmail works.
 
2012-12-27 11:39:40 AM

steamingpile: I don't believe this, even a shiatty divorce lawyer could have gotten a better deal


I think it's because her earning potential is only around 25k/yr. (she has some b.s. early education degree) and she had lived well beyond that for a long long time.

Brother says his lawyer was good. I told him I'd hate to have seen what would have happened had he felt poorly represented.
 
2012-12-27 11:44:13 AM
What I learned in this thread is that I need to go hang out where the military wives hang out.
 
2012-12-27 11:45:52 AM

Iceman_Cometh: Real Women Drink Akvavit: Luckily (in a strange way), my ex tried to kill me, so I didn't have to pay alimony. He was in prison. YAY!

I am known for my poor decisions when it comes to men, that's why I finally just took some time off and said "no more dating, die alone, you stupid, chubby biatch". Now I have my first date in years, coming up New Year's Eve. I am being very, very cautious with this one, and he knows it. When I asked him out today (yes, I got brave!) we had lunch together and talked for a couple hours. We're both pretty battered by our pasts, but we both gave it a rest for a long time, so he's being cautious as well. I think that's a good thing. I also think it's a good sign that once the ice was broken we were able to be so open and honest with each other. At least I hope it is a good sign, otherwise I'll lose faith in myself completely. I just started regaining it after years of solitude, so I really don't want to lose it again.

*fingers crossed*

Good Luck!


Ditto!
Currently watching the slow and painful breakup of a girl 2 doors down and her mentally abusive live-in bf. He doesn't work. He doesn't cook. I've seen the inside of their apartment, so I know he doesn't clean. She is 3 months pregnant, and that waste of a human being is the father. Apparently he can fark, because this is not his first, and the other kids never see him, so I have the feeling that when the newborn is crying all night, someone will bail and she will not seek alimony or child support due to his lack of employment.
On a side note, she has said she wants to be free of him, and has come right out and told me she'd love to date me, a "real man." Don't know what she's looking at, cause it isn't me, but I'm almost willing to go along just to keep the baby away from that POS. And yes, she is very attractive, a lot smarter than she gives herself credit for, and can do anything she puts her mind to do, but has low self-worth due to the mental abuse from the sperm donor. I just don't know...

/She likes my cooking
//so does he, and he eats all of it
///never seen such selfish behavior
 
2012-12-27 11:46:43 AM

dionosaur: and the court says that because he let his name be put on the birth certificate, he is liable. The only way he can get out of it is to find the real father, get him to agree to have his name put on an amended birth certificate and then have that filed with the court, so they can go after him for child support.

Why is there no penalty for women who pull this crap??? Seriously, it is so wrong!


Well, you have to sign an AOP saying you accept you are the parent without question to get on the birth certificate, or you can get a DNA test before signing. Don't sign the damn form if you don't want to be responsible.
 
2012-12-27 11:58:04 AM

Trance354: ...but I'm almost willing to go along just to keep the baby away from that POS.


Don't go there dude. Nothing good comes from a broken woman in a broken relationship. Advice, help, all good, but the second you stick your dick in that, you're in for a world of abuse.
 
2012-12-27 12:00:31 PM

Coastalgrl: LouDobbsAwaaaay: And some people wonder why people my age are less and less interested in getting married.

I'm the same way. It sounds like a good idea if successful but it's the successful part that seems hard to come by.


We would all be so much better off in our relationships if people didn't misrepresent themselves.

I'm still trying to get through the end of what was really the only meaningful long-term relationship I have ever had. To make bad feelings worse, after the fact, I found out more about her past through a letter she wrote (I flunked the test on the ethics of not reading what you find) to her parents. I don't think she ever had sat and read it to them or sent them a copy, but what I found out was that she was a sex addict who spent periods of her life sleeping around every night and she had even done some prostituting.

Call me a prude if you want, but these are things that I would not have ever accepted about her and she knew it, which is why I was never told. I accepted past the drug use and felt extremely sorry for her having a background of being abused, but, even by telling maybe 70% of the truth or so, she grossly misrepresented herself to me in my view. Lies of omission are still lies, folks. Not only that, but past is prelude, and if you never truly confronted it, you're not over it. You didn't learn your lesson(s). You're doomed to the same patterns until you do so.

Our relationship was never going to survive regardless of the lies. But, my point is that we would have never had a relationship to begin with had I known the full truth at the outset. I felt cheated out of even having a "honeymoon stage" because not very long after it began, she became totally detached, so affection and intimacy were non-starters. My major flaw is that I kept convincing myself it would get better with time. It didn't. It has totally destroyed any shred of self-esteem or confidence I might have had, though. I mean, I was apparently dating a sex addict who refused to have sex with me.

We all have flaws. I'm acutely aware of mine and I don't need them to be presented to me on an ongoing basis by someone else (another fun thing she did).

I would much rather just be accepted for who I am and what I bring to a relationship, and I feel she deserves the same. However, it wouldn't have been from me had I known the truth. Instead, I feel like I was manipulated into something that wasn't real. I suppose it was just because she felt like she loved me enough that she couldn't let the "opportunity" slip, which only lead to a shiat sandwich of a relationship ending in me being bitter and feeling worse about myself than I ever have before.

/And then I found five dollars.
 
2012-12-27 12:02:42 PM

onyxruby: Married a woman that hid a history of mental unfitness that was really, really good at hiding her unfitness. The fact that she was heavily medicated at the time we met and that she lied about what the medications were for had a lot to do with she appeared.

Discovered after we divorced that she had her kid taken away by CPS twice, previously threatened to kill her older boy and had been hospitalized for mental health problems seven times.

The day we separated she asked for the cops to take her to her moms. The next day she shows up a battered Woman's shelter beaten from head to toe with bruises everywhere. It never occurred to her that the officers that escorted her from the house would notice she wasn't injured when she left my house. It wasn't the only time she pulled something like that and I now have multiple law enforcement agencies that have advised me to record every interaction with her and all refuse to bother me when she makes her crazy claims.

Another time she pulled the same thing only I had a recorder that I bought just for interactions with her. The cops knew about the recording and refused to bother me about it. She still tried to go to court for an OFP anyways. I pulled out my recording and her lawyer dropped her claims like they were the black plague.

Same woman put my kid in the hospital four time this year and last year through neglect along with a number of lesser injuries caused by neglect. Crazy thing is she has half custody as it is very hard for a man to get custody of kids. Right now I've got a forensic doctor preparing to write a pattern of neglect report so that I can file for termination of parental rights next month. I also have a fraud investigation open for the abuse claims with local law enforcement where she is looking at felony charges in the works.

Mine is a case study in how divorce can go bad when false accusations are made. At some point the truth had to come out and the end result is that right now she has a fairly decent c ...


I would like to check in on how the fraud thing goes. My ex has accused me and my current wife of child abuse, and has twisted the kids so much that grounding and taking away video games constitutes abuse.

tom baker's scarf: I have seen that dynamic but that isn't the major contributor with her.

She was attractive, above average in small town but not the hottest in the school by far. I'm all but certain it really is a self esteem issue. If you know that you are basically good/smart/etc you can accept the fact that you fail every now an again, you learn, you move on.

If on the other hand you instinctively thing you are stupid/worthless/etc you obviously, desperately want not to be and so you blind yourself to all you mistakes and failures because they only serve as proof of your stupidity. Of course on some level you know you've failed to the easiest thing to do is blame someone/something else because you MUST/NEED to be right. The easiest person to blame are the ones who loves you because they will absorb a lot of punishment, right up until they won't anymore.


I see you've met my ex-wife...
 
2012-12-27 12:03:17 PM
My parents got divorced about a month after I moved out at eighteen. I'm sure it had been coming for years, but it was a friendly divorce. Dad used to go over to her new house every Sunday for pancakes and then do some around-the-house projects for her. These days, he just calls her on her anniversary (yesterday) to let her know they would have been married 41 years now. He remarried once. That one only lasted three years, but he goes over to that ex's house for Christmas and Thanksgiving dinners every year.

//been married 12 years now myself
 
2012-12-27 12:03:28 PM

corronchilejano: Trance354: ...but I'm almost willing to go along just to keep the baby away from that POS.

Don't go there dude. Nothing good comes from a broken woman in a broken relationship. Advice, help, all good, but the second you stick your dick in that, you're in for a world of abuse.


I second this. If only I would have seen this two and a half years ago.

And adding a baby into the mix?
.
No. Stop. Don't.
 
2012-12-27 12:06:34 PM
Haha...I am doing it all wrong. I got pregnant at 18, the plan was to have an abortion. I couldn't do it and my baby daddy wasn't ready to be a father. I never tried to get child support.
I got married a few years later. I had a great marriage. Then my ex got into a car accident. He was sober, but the roads were shiatty. The guy he hit died and my ex couldn't handle it. I tried to get him help, but he chose alcohol. My son found the ex passed out and thought he was dead. I told him if he came home drunk again it was over. He came home absolutely shiatfaced. I called his dad to come get him. The next day I told him it was over and to come get whatever he felt was his. I sent him the papers a couple of weeks later.

/My sisters were pissed because I didn't make him pay child support for a kid that wasn't his.
 
2012-12-27 12:06:46 PM

gingerjet: Hagenhatesyouall: Marriage stopped making sense a long time ago.

Just because you had a bitter painful experience with marriage and are now living with your parents doesn't mean its not right for others.

/gay
//can't get married in the state where I'm in


I'm sorry to hear you can't get married as you wish to, and of course it's wrong that it's that way, but there are legitimate reasons that marriage is becoming an outdated model of companionship.

One reason, for example, is that lifespans are radically different now (even compared to 100 years ago). People who get married now (as opposed to then) can expect to be together much, much longer- which could present all sorts of problems in a marriage that didn't exist back then (even psychologically- knowing you're going to have to put up with someone's little ticks or annoyances for a long time.)

Another way to think of it is that the state shouldn't really continue to use what was originally a religious ceremony to recognize companionship, as you should be able to have the fulfillment of living with someone you love without having to get an accomplishment slip from the government that gives you preferential treatment over people who haven't.

/Ever read or seen Freakonomics? This is kinda like the correlation that was found between the abillity to have abortions and the drop in violent crime rates- its possible they are connected because women who didn't want to have children, and therefore were less likely to raise healthy, mentally stable kids, were able to not have them.)
 
2012-12-27 12:07:22 PM

jst3p: kremvax: cheap_thoughts: I know a few people that won't get divorced because of "the kids". Don't want to fark them up, or risk losing them because the other spouse is from another state and will take them away.

I say they deserve their misery.

as someone in that situation - wtf exactly do you suggest? I don't want to ever be away from my kid, but marriage is pretty miserable (I suspect it's not for me in general).

Divorce. Not ever wanting to be away from your kid isn't healthy.


Is that what your parents told you?
 
2012-12-27 12:07:49 PM
Today after work I'm going to stop off for a pizza and a few beers, I dare one of the married men to do that without their wife's permission and see how that works out for you.

I should have amended that, it should have said "try doing that without telling your wife". My point was that when you're married every decision, literally every decision you make, from where to go on vacation from where to go for dinner, has to be run by and cleared by another person. Do you honestly believe you can stop somewhere on your way home and eat something without calling her first and running it by her? And to that guy who said his wife usually joins him, what if you told her, don't bother, I'd rather be alone right now. We both know that would go over as well as a fart in a crowded elevator.
 
2012-12-27 12:09:05 PM

wildcardjack: The problem is biatches be crazy.


Word!
 
2012-12-27 12:10:28 PM

L.D. Ablo: I sat my client down and asked him how much he was paying me per hour.  Then I asked how much the bed liner was worth.  Then I told him how much it would cost to fight over the thing.  He wasn't happy about just giving it to her, but it made economic sense.  After that, we agreed on the rest and it went through without some stupid, expensive fight.


What kind of a lawyer are you?!?!?!
 
2012-12-27 12:10:32 PM
The one thing i have to add. When I went through my divorce, it was pretty much about the time I joined Fark. It was a rocky time, and a few of you wiley bastiches helped me through it. With laughs, with thoughtful commentary, with jibes, and more. My friends outside, and on the site were instrumental in getting my head on straight. You NEED the outside perspective. Even if it's wrong, because you have to know how folks are perceiving your behavior. Take their advice. Good and bad, it comes from a place that is trying to help, and while you don't have to follow everything folks tell you, it helps to know that you're not alone in things. Hearing other folks' divorce stories is sometimes...well, it's sometimes disheartening. Everyone has their tale, and it's very interesting and fresh for them, but for other folks, maybe not so much. They'll help you, they'll listen, but have a care that you don't drown the folks closest to you with drear and dull and endlessly repetitive tales of bitter and angst. It's a tightrope, but it helps to know that going in, and that is part of the socialization that will help you through to the other side.

It IS possible to have an entirely amicable divorce. Depending on circumstances and the people involved, but it will still rock your preconceptions of what you thought you had. Take the time to consider that, and then get back out there. Learn to trust yourself again, and others as well. It is not the end, it's a new chapter. Use that perspective and learn from it.
 
2012-12-27 12:12:56 PM

littlett's: Genevieve Marie: Or you can acknowledge that there's a reason the story keeps repeating and start looking for what that is. Self-reflection is hard, but it's generally worthwhile.

The problem is that few ever have the strength to consider they could be contributing to what they feel is a problem that is centered around the opposite sex.  In their mind it is a very straight forward issue that is beyond their control and is always brought onto them by the other half of the relationship.

It also astounds me the of men that think most women are these highly controlling "princesses" that expect everybody in their lives to cater to their every whim.  I know there are women like that out there, but by the amount of complaining that you see one would think that 90% of women would fall in that category.

/it's nice to have to have the time to be back.


There's a reason for that. And you know what it is even if you won't admit it.
 
2012-12-27 12:13:10 PM
Link

Apropos.
 
2012-12-27 12:16:30 PM

Hagenhatesyouall: Marriage stopped making sense a long time ago.


We technically arent married...but after 10+ years and 2 kids we consider ourselves married. We talk about it now and then, from the romantic aspect, but from a practical standpoint there isnt really much reason to do it. Besides, tax wise with the 2 kids we make out much better being "single".
 
2012-12-27 12:16:43 PM
The one thing I learned from my divorce from wife #1 is to avoid women that a: never held a job in their life for more than two weeks, and b: are willing to lie to authorities about abuse.

I'm married to wife #2, but I'm trying to figure out how to cope with and help a woman who was raised to believe that kids are an inconvenience (she doesn't like FARK, shockingly), and her mother abandoned her at the age of 5, which means she asks me three times per day if I'm thinking about cheating on her/divorcing her.

Not getting a divorce, but I'm like Congress and the Fiscal cliff. Call it something else, but it's probably coming, and it won't be pretty. And yes, while I rant about my ex/current spouses issues, I have issues to, and I'm sure I share some of the blame.
 
2012-12-27 12:18:00 PM

groppet: Naptowner: Genevieve Marie: Christian Bale: So in other words, the mother doesn't always get custody of the children, but she almost always gets custody of the children. Busted yet another myth!

It then goes on to say that if both parents are considered fit, then joint custody is typically awarded.

There are two types of custody: physical custody and legal custody. Physical custody, which determines where the kids live and who has to pay child support, is almost always granted to the mother unless she is unfit, which is a very high standard to prove. Unless Mom is demonstrably crazy, on drugs, or in and out of jail, she normally gets physical custody if she wants it. Legal custody, which is often awarded jointly, just gives both parents the right to participate in major life decisions such as religion and education. It's basically veto power, and it's not very effective when the two ex-spouses aren't reasonably cooperative with each other.

One thing that sucks about child support, in my state at least, is that there is no guarantee that the money will actually be used for the child's benefit. And there is no credit given for the expenses incurred by the parent without physical custody for having a larger home than would otherwise be needed to accommodate the kids, or for the non-custodial parent's purchases of food, clothing and other items for the children. I don't have any sympathy for deadbeats, but it's definitely a broken system.

I always thought that was BS as well. If you are paying child support for the child the other spouse better damn well have reciepts for the things she bought with the money and not casino trips for her.


It's a broken system, but fixing it is more complicated than simply bringing receipts. I think most states determine the non-custodial parent's contribution as a percentage of their income, not the itemized costs of childcare because it would be extremely difficult to itemize that. Also, what happens if after the custodial parent's receipts are analyzed (obviously using some formulas to determine how much of the mortgage and utilities was used for the kid, how much of each food item on the grocery receipt the kid likely ate, etc), what if half of the total comes to more than the non-custodial parent can pay? Should they then be considered in debt? Also, you have to factor in the cost of childcare (the custodial parent is spending more time with the children and likely sacrificing work time, etc in the course of providing day-to-day care). I think the system should be revised, but it's nearly impossible to completely guarantee that child support will only go to things purchased for the child in all cases.
 
2012-12-27 12:21:20 PM

willfullyobscure: mikefinch: willfullyobscure: this entire thread smells like ballsack and Cheetos. ought to be a sign out front that says STINKY GURLS NOT ALOWD.

It's like going to the zoo but instead of tigers and monkeys you get to peer into the lives of sad crazy people.

I like it.


But seriously, this can't be a healthy place for any female, whatever the status of their relationship, the entire thing is a snowball of misogyny and fingerpointing and dudes that probably should be in prison boasting about how they put their ex wives in the poor house out of spite. brrr. creep-tastic.


Women are more than welcome to complain about their ex-spouses here, I know i would like to hear more. And I disagree with your assement of most of the guys here. Unless they were genuinely being abusive or cheating themselves, nothing justifies getting cheated on.
 
2012-12-27 12:22:36 PM

Optimus Composite: Do you honestly believe you can stop somewhere on your way home and eat something without calling her first and running it by her?


Yes. Mostly because I've done it quite successfully on numerous occasions. Helps when your wife trusts you. If she doesn't trust you, there may be a number of reasons for this. Some could be in her court, some in yours, and the existence of reasons in one court hardly precludes the existence of reasons in the other.

I'm not saying instances where your scenario occurs don't exist. I'm saying that suggesting all situations like this end the same way is a ridiculous assertion: it's clearly not the case.

Lots of variables in there. Lots of objects in motion. Far more than you're accounting for in this overly-simplistic view of things. It's entirely possible that managing all these variables is not something you'd enjoy, in which case, avoiding situations which require managing all those things is probably advisable. What it doesn't mean is that no one else is capable of doing so successfully

Optimus Composite: My point was that when you're married every decision, literally every decision you make, from where to go on vacation from where to go for dinner, has to be run by and cleared by another person.


Again: if this is the scenario, you're doing it wrong.
 
2012-12-27 12:23:44 PM
Here's a cool starry bra

My (now ex) wife's besty had been divorced from my pal, had a kid by him
And she couldn't get on her email
She had been on her email using my house computer,
and wanted me to send her info from a work email.
I went through it and found several messages of how she was calluding to get custody of the kid
the plan was:
during her time with the kid, she would have my pal go and pick up the child at school
but she would call the cops and the school saying that he had threatened to take the child
she was going to injure herself and have the other person on her email as a witness.
...
So I sent all the information to my pal. The judge ate her alive in court
he got custody and she pays out the nose

never stick yer lizard in loco
 
2012-12-27 12:25:42 PM
What I got from the divorce ... kicked to the curb, with a knife in my heart and back

What she got .... everything else
 
2012-12-27 12:26:33 PM

mikefinch: Don't associate with people who are prone to drama.


i.imgur.com

Married young and still together after 27 mostly good years; currently pretty happy with each other and the comfort and security a longterm strategic alliance brings. A long marriage is like a phoenix bird: every ten years or so it goes up in flames and you have to rebuild from the ashes. Choose a solid & mentally healthy partner you can do this with.
 
2012-12-27 12:28:26 PM

farkin_noob: /My sisters were pissed because I didn't make him pay child support for a kid that wasn't his.


No offense to you or your family as a whole, but your sisters should be put against a wall and shot.
 
2012-12-27 12:33:08 PM

NumberFiveIsAlive: I would like to check in on how the fraud thing goes. My ex has accused me and my current wife of child abuse, and has twisted the kids so much that grounding and taking away video games constitutes abuse.


She took welfare based on a false claim of domestic abuse. I started gathering evidence of all the false claims she had made, police reports, OFP attempts, the whole nine yards. I then went down to the welfare office and talked to them about it. I've got a stack of 3rd party fraud evidence 1/2 inch thick from bulletproof sources with more available. Welfare office took me fairly seriously when they saw the scope of evidence I have. Right now I'm waiting for the fraud investigator to get hold of me (holidays have thrown things for a bit of a loop).

She's defrauded me of over $10,000 in child support since child support was set at 3 1/2 times the state standard rate based /solely/ on her being on welfare. She's also defrauded the state of a fair bit of money and I've got her busted dead to rights for several instances of perjury. I've got evidence of other felonies as well that is also bulletproof. Feel free to contact me offline and I can give more specific advice.
 
2012-12-27 12:35:45 PM

SkunkWerks: doing it

Optimus Composite: Today after work I'm going to stop off for a pizza and a few beers, I dare one of the married men to do that without their wife's permission and see how that works out for you.

I should have amended that, it should have said "try doing that without telling your wife". My point was that when you're married every decision, literally every decision you make, from where to go on vacation from where to go for dinner, has to be run by and cleared by another person. Do you honestly believe you can stop somewhere on your way home and eat something without calling her first and running it by her? And to that guy who said his wife usually joins him, what if you told her, don't bother, I'd rather be alone right now. We both know that would go over as well as a fart in a crowded elevator.


You know what? Making that call is totally worth it to me.
If it's not for you, that is fine. But don't think you know what other people want and that they are missing out on something because they are married (or in a married like relationship).
My wife is awesome and we are both very busy, any time I get to sit with her, hangout, and eat a pizza is a plus -- something I would look forward to.
If you are someone who would rather eat a pizza alone than with the woman you truly love, than that's cool. Eat that pizza. Marriage is not for you... and CERTAINLY, if you want to just stop off on the way home without telling anyone, fatherhood is very much not for you -- but that's okay. There is nothing wrong with that (unless, of course, you are anyone's father). Just don't think you know that everyone feels the way that you do. I don't miss being alone with that pizza one bit.
There is not one second of any day that I think that I would be better off or happier if I were not married.
 
2012-12-27 12:37:32 PM

Hagenhatesyouall: Marriage stopped making sense a long time ago.


Who cares if it makes sense?
 
2012-12-27 12:38:51 PM

taurusowner: farkin_noob: /My sisters were pissed because I didn't make him pay child support for a kid that wasn't his.

No offense to you or your family as a whole, but your sisters should be put against a wall and shot.


I take no offense. My sisters are crazy biatches. Being the youngest of six girls means they got all the crazy. ;-)
 
2012-12-27 12:39:50 PM
My marriage will end with one of us in a body bag.
Could be 60 years from now, could be tonight, but we're both all in until the end.
 
2012-12-27 12:40:59 PM

SkunkWerks: Optimus Composite: Do you honestly believe you can stop somewhere on your way home and eat something without calling her first and running it by her?

Yes. Mostly because I've done it quite successfully on numerous occasions. Helps when your wife trusts you. If she doesn't trust you, there may be a number of reasons for this. Some could be in her court, some in yours, and the existence of reasons in one court hardly precludes the existence of reasons in the other.

I'm not saying instances where your scenario occurs don't exist. I'm saying that suggesting all situations like this end the same way is a ridiculous assertion: it's clearly not the case.

Lots of variables in there. Lots of objects in motion. Far more than you're accounting for in this overly-simplistic view of things. It's entirely possible that managing all these variables is not something you'd enjoy, in which case, avoiding situations which require managing all those things is probably advisable. What it doesn't mean is that no one else is capable of doing so successfully

Optimus Composite: My point was that when you're married every decision, literally every decision you make, from where to go on vacation from where to go for dinner, has to be run by and cleared by another person.

Again: if this is the scenario, you're doing it wrong.


Also, it is worth it and fun (if you are doing it right).
 
2012-12-27 12:46:46 PM

littlett's: I love the fact that it is pretty much always the woman's fault too.


In my case, the female lawyer I hired and the female judge who heard the case granted me a TRO in 5 minutes time and the female bailiff was smiling as she dragged my ex out of the courtroom.

I got to put a live round inbetween the ex's knees as a warning shot 4 days later when she showed up with a guy and a truck to burglarize my house, since she thought I was at my father's funeral. State police were so happy for her that she called to report it, that they gave her an extra week in jail and yes, I did press charges.

Karma kicked her sorry ass to the gutter and she has 5 adorable crack babbys now. None mine.

SO the whole gender thing? If she's a sonuvabiaotch, she's going down.
 
2012-12-27 12:47:22 PM

ActionFigure: Also, it is worth it and fun (if you are doing it right).


That's what I keep hearing. I'd give a lot to get to that point...just that minor little detail of finding someone compatible.
 
2012-12-27 12:48:59 PM

vudukungfu: littlett's: I love the fact that it is pretty much always the woman's fault too.


shiatty people aren't gender specific.
 
2012-12-27 12:49:07 PM

NumberFiveIsAlive: The one thing I learned from my divorce from wife #1 is to avoid women that a: never held a job in their life for more than two weeks, and b: are willing to lie to authorities about abuse.

I'm married to wife #2, but I'm trying to figure out how to cope with and help a woman who was raised to believe that kids are an inconvenience (she doesn't like FARK, shockingly), and her mother abandoned her at the age of 5, which means she asks me three times per day if I'm thinking about cheating on her/divorcing her.


I'm curious, because (thankfully) I got out of a relationship like that before it progressed to marriage, but was she doing the "asking three times a day" thing before you married her, or did it get turned on like a switch after you did get married? Or was she doing it before, but insinuated that if you _got_ married the badgering would stop?
 
2012-12-27 12:51:48 PM

Trance354: Iceman_Cometh: Real Women Drink Akvavit: Luckily (in a strange way), my ex tried to kill me, so I didn't have to pay alimony. He was in prison. YAY!

I am known for my poor decisions when it comes to men, that's why I finally just took some time off and said "no more dating, die alone, you stupid, chubby biatch". Now I have my first date in years, coming up New Year's Eve. I am being very, very cautious with this one, and he knows it. When I asked him out today (yes, I got brave!) we had lunch together and talked for a couple hours. We're both pretty battered by our pasts, but we both gave it a rest for a long time, so he's being cautious as well. I think that's a good thing. I also think it's a good sign that once the ice was broken we were able to be so open and honest with each other. At least I hope it is a good sign, otherwise I'll lose faith in myself completely. I just started regaining it after years of solitude, so I really don't want to lose it again.

*fingers crossed*

Good Luck!

Ditto!
Currently watching the slow and painful breakup of a girl 2 doors down and her mentally abusive live-in bf. He doesn't work. He doesn't cook. I've seen the inside of their apartment, so I know he doesn't clean. She is 3 months pregnant, and that waste of a human being is the father. Apparently he can fark, because this is not his first, and the other kids never see him, so I have the feeling that when the newborn is crying all night, someone will bail and she will not seek alimony or child support due to his lack of employment.
On a side note, she has said she wants to be free of him, and has come right out and told me she'd love to date me, a "real man." Don't know what she's looking at, cause it isn't me, but I'm almost willing to go along just to keep the baby away from that POS. And yes, she is very attractive, a lot smarter than she gives herself credit for, and can do anything she puts her mind to do, but has low self-worth due to the mental abuse from the sperm donor. I just don't know...

/She likes my cooking
//so does he, and he eats all of it
///never seen such selfish behavior


While others have already said it, I still feel the need to reinforce what they've said.

Back away. Seriously.
 
2012-12-27 12:54:00 PM
Hey all, late to the woe fest.

Hubby, love of my life, four years and 3 kids, all wanted, I thought he stopped loving me, he thought I had stopped loving him. We had stopped communicating. We divorced, he remarried someone superficially like me that turned into the nightmare from hell, I did the same exact thing in revers, with a guy who seemed like him. We stayed friends, and were so amazingly together for our kids people were shocked we weren't a couple. So, I had two more kids (he blessed the vasectomy he had after no 3), and he visited them more than their actual dad. Several years go by, we grow some more as people, I am crippled in a car accident, grow some more. And one day, I finally got the courage to ask him what had made him stop loving me.It was like a comedy double take moment.mwhen he recovered from the shock, he asked me the same question. You know, the weirdest thing is how embarrassed we both ere at being s stupid...
 
2012-12-27 12:58:51 PM
Stupid ipad. I hadn't finished. As it turns out, he and I hadn't finished. Back together, he is father (and delighted to be so) to my two youngest, whose own father has had three more in rapid succession (and still asks me what went wrong - umm, emotional abuse and constant affairs ring a bell? Lets say we didn't work, and say hi to your new partner. No I don't want to catch up with you ever), is very erratic and unreliable, though we have tried to make it friendly and easy re seeing the kids, for their sake. And the bloke and I have no issues now, barely even have spats - but we do have perspective. We know what life is like apart. Yes, no doubt we really do have things about each other that bug the crap out of us, but that perspective allows us to evaluate them properly - and they don't matter.

Sorry, a 3 page epic sort of ng, but its 430am and a pain bout, thanks disability,
 
2012-12-27 01:01:48 PM

Atomic Spunk: Harry_Seldon: Atomic Spunk: On those days where you feel that nothing is going right, it sure is nice to have someone to offer you words of encouragement and support. If you ever feel sorry for yourself, it's great to have someone who can remind you of all of the good things in your life.

This is much better...
[www.petside.com image 624x475]

When I find a puppy that can earn a paycheck, do housework, produce a human child, have a lifespan greater than about 12 years and give me a decent blowjob, then I'll be inclined to agree.

Though I've heard that a healthy dose of peanut butter can assist with my last requirement.



Just don't use "crunchy style."

/trust me on this
 
2012-12-27 01:04:33 PM

KiwDaWabbit: ActionFigure: Also, it is worth it and fun (if you are doing it right).

That's what I keep hearing. I'd give a lot to get to that point...just that minor little detail of finding someone compatible.


Bear in mind, my conception of "doing it right" includes judiciously deciding not to do it if it's not the sort of thing one (or both) of you appear to be up for. Married or not, the capacity to make good judgement calls based on your sense for complex interpersonal situations is going to make or break your experience with it.

There's no shame in admitting it's not for you, really. And if anyone is shaming you for it (parents are often guilty of this), they need slapped.

If you get past that point, it will hardly be the last difficult call you have to make.

Case in point: my wife and I are periodically faced of late with ye olde "biological clock is ticking/you'd better have babies" pressure/shame.

Between her and I, we've decided it's not wise- given our situation. Believe it or not, this is the harder decision to make.
 
2012-12-27 01:08:33 PM
csb? dunno, but it's best to be prepared....

Just before the final semester of the college education that I was paying for, got served with papers and was a complete wreck. Took my son to Baseball's Hall of Fame, hoping a little time away might make her change her mind.

Came back home, had sex, called my Dad and he said : "you ought to be keeping a record of that."

So I did.

Didn't cave in for a deal, went to trial, presented the suprise in "exhibit A". Judge later throws the case out of court since you shouldn't be boning someone you are looking to shiatcan (she admitted to the 27 times in the calendar record). Now I have to grant a separation. Trump card is mine.

No alimony, keep the house and various vehicles, she lives in the house I paid for for 5 years, then has to "buy me out". No pension or anything else thereafter.

It still hurt. A few years later (and I was also occasionally throwing the log in - go figger) she tells me that if she was taking anti-depressants when we were married, maybe none of that would have ever happened (the whole divorce thing) and maybe we could get back together.

I stopped boning her shortly after that, and after a parade of various other chicks, have decided that I'm waiting for the one who owns a golf course and a liquor store. I may never find that, but will never let the wimmins make me feel bad ever again.

\maybe not so csb...but it's mine
 
2012-12-27 01:12:18 PM

InternetSecurityGuard: I've known my wife for 36 years and we have been married for 29. Although she does get a bit ticked off when I refer to her as my "first wife".


So, does she refer to you as her "last husband"?
 
2012-12-27 01:12:50 PM

SkunkWerks: KiwDaWabbit: ActionFigure: Also, it is worth it and fun (if you are doing it right).

That's what I keep hearing. I'd give a lot to get to that point...just that minor little detail of finding someone compatible.

Bear in mind, my conception of "doing it right" includes judiciously deciding not to do it if it's not the sort of thing one (or both) of you appear to be up for. Married or not, the capacity to make good judgement calls based on your sense for complex interpersonal situations is going to make or break your experience with it.

There's no shame in admitting it's not for you, really. And if anyone is shaming you for it (parents are often guilty of this), they need slapped.

If you get past that point, it will hardly be the last difficult call you have to make.

Case in point: my wife and I are periodically faced of late with ye olde "biological clock is ticking/you'd better have babies" pressure/shame.

Between her and I, we've decided it's not wise- given our situation. Believe it or not, this is the harder decision to make.


Yeah, I'm one of those who is naturally geared toward monogamous relationships much moreso than "being single and loving it". Maybe that's why I hate things like lying and cheating. The jist of my long post in this thread was "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure", basically.

Sound advice, though. I think all too many fall into that trap of getting married and having kids because it's what society dicates rather than thinking through it for five minutes and figuring out what they want.
 
2012-12-27 01:14:35 PM

Trance354: Currently watching the slow and painful breakup of a girl 2 doors down and her mentally abusive live-in bf. He doesn't work. He doesn't cook. I've seen the inside of their apartment, so I know he doesn't clean. She is 3 months pregnant, and that waste of a human being is the father. Apparently he can fark, because this is not his first, and the other kids never see him, so I have the feeling that when the newborn is crying all night, someone will bail and she will not seek alimony or child support due to his lack of employment.
On a side note, she has said she wants to be free of him, and has come right out and told me she'd love to date me, a "real man." Don't know what she's looking at, cause it isn't me, but I'm almost willing to go along just to keep the baby away from that POS. And yes, she is very attractive, a lot smarter than she gives herself credit for, and can do anything she puts her mind to do, but has low self-worth due to the mental abuse from the sperm do ...


Aside from ALL of the sound advice above, see if you can catch up with some of the other baby mammas, and get some charges pressed against him. I know of at least one other deadbeat "dad" that needs to spend some time in jail.

/If anyone is good at finding people, EIP.
 
2012-12-27 01:16:40 PM

taliesinwi: NumberFiveIsAlive:
I'm curious, because (thankfully) I got out of a relationship like that before it progressed to marriage, but was she doing the "asking three times a day" thing before you married her, or did it get turned on like a switch after you did get married? Or was she doing it before, but insinuated that if you _got_ married the badgering would stop?


Before we got married, she asked me a couple times how serious I was with the explaination that she had been cheated on quite a few times herself. I re-assured her both times, and that was it. Three days after our wedding, she tells me I should let my ex keep my kids (ex's time at the time) because that way we could have more money for her and her son. Ouch...

Onyxruby:
My ex hasn't accused me of abusing her, just the kids. And she's not getting state benefits from it, because not one state believed her (she contacted CPS in Texas, Michigan, AND Ohio). She is in a living situation which I will not get into, and at least partly assisted by lying to people in doing so, but I don't know if that would meet a criminal offense. She can't even be caught lying to the court, because she's not openly accused me herself. Only her lawyer which was implying it the entire time he crossed me on the stand.

I can only hope to sue her in civil action, but my current wife is looking at bringing her up criminally for the harassment. While I just might win a civil suit, I wouldn't count on seeing a dime. Even though her boy-toy makes more than I do (same pay grade, he has a re-enlistment bonus though), she makes damn sure every last penny is spent by living separately from him by 1200 miles, JUST TO FARK WITH THE COURT PROCESS!

/very frustrating
//and bitter
 
2012-12-27 01:27:06 PM

Spanky McStupid: InternetSecurityGuard: I've known my wife for 36 years and we have been married for 29. Although she does get a bit ticked off when I refer to her as my "first wife".

So, does she refer to you as her "last husband"?


Naw, nothing quite that formal. She prefers "asshole".
 
2012-12-27 01:27:49 PM

Rhino_man: Genevieve Marie: Diogenes The Cynic: Someone is defensive Genevieve

Nah, it was just a little decent advice. I actually wasn't trying to be a jerk- although I really don't overly care for the idea that women all share one crazy hive mind, and that seems to come out in Fark relationship threads.

Rhino_man: Second of all, what I learned is that I need to take the time to make sure that the woman I'm marrying isn't crazy before I marry her. True story, wife #2 had been pressuring me for about a year to be a farking polygamist because she didn't want to be alone at home while I was at work, and another wife would keep her company. The bad thing is that she started all of the crazy after it was too late... not just after the wedding, she waited until she was pregnant to go berserk.

And honestly, here's a little more decent advice: You married two women who weren't happy, and who obviously had their fair share of issues. Know what they have in common? You married both of them. At least some of that is you. And I'm really not saying that to be a jerk, or to be judgmental, or anything else. I'm just pointing out that if you want a chance to be happy in the future, an honest self-evaluation of what you've done wrong in the past is a good start. And blaming all the problems on the two women you married isn't going to help.

Advice rant off.

Every time someone starts off with "I'm not trying to sound like a jerk but..." you are being a jerk and you are aware of it. What this girl is doing to you Rhino is akin to blaming the victim of rape, period. Ther is NEVER an excuse for what your ex's did to you. I don't know her at all but I would venture a guess that Genevieve is another selfish, spoiled, white North American woman with an overblown sense of entitlement who actively takes part in the pussification of the North American male. Not every woman is like this just like not every man is physically abusive.

I finally managed to escape an abusive relationship a year ago which lasted three years. I am constntly self-reflective and tried to see if I was doing wrong to make the relationship so difficult but in the end it wasn't me. Some women are just abusive, controlling, and unable to admit fault of any kind. She had some weird form of ODD and had no idea what compromise is. She once told me out loud that if I didn't do what she said she was going to get someone bigger than me to make me. Two days later she baited me into a fight about something I did six months before that pissed her off and I left the room to hide from her. 2 hours later the RCMP show up to haul me away because she told them I yelled at her and she was afraid of me.

The third time she abused me by cop I was finally leaving and on the friday of my last weekend she went to court and got a protection order against me, cops came once more and removed me from the property forcing me to ask my 64yr old father and brother to move my stuff out because I wasn't allowed on the property. She sure made me pay for trying to leave her.

I should have never given her warning I was leaving, just disappeared when she was at work. Never laid a finger on the mean coont, actually dislike arguments and confrontation and hate what she turnd me into. So you retards that spout it takes two to tango, stfu you smarmy self-righteous pricks. Women are equally as guilty of abusing their partners IF NOT MORE with all your stupid selfish shiat.

/now in a relationship with a gentle caring woman who also has ADHD and she takes all the love I have to give and returns it ten-fold. I can be the good man I know I am with her and it feels great.

 
2012-12-27 01:28:09 PM

KiwDaWabbit: I think all too many fall into that trap of getting married and having kids...


...going to college, becoming an accountant, reading "Hunger Games"...

KiwDaWabbit: ...because it's what society dicates rather than thinking through it for five minutes and figuring out what they want.


Pretty much.

Like I said, if you ever want an excellent opportunity to reflect on just how much pressure society exerts on you in such weighty matters, just try saying "no" to one of these things.

Like I said, it's the harder decision to make, and that is mostly why. People at large tend to treat you something just short of you being clinically insane.
 
2012-12-27 01:28:24 PM

Real Women Drink Akvavit:
I am known for my poor decisions when it comes to men

How YOU doin'?

 
2012-12-27 01:30:43 PM
Currently going through a divorce, agreed to stay in the same house until after the new year, so the kids (6 and 8) don't have to have their parents split during the holidays. I feel bad that I've filed this divorced while the kids are so young, it won't be an easy transition, but there really is only so much I can take.

/not a csb
 
2012-12-27 01:38:17 PM
This thread makes me want to get a vasectomy.
 
2012-12-27 01:39:13 PM

NumberFiveIsAlive: Even though her boy-toy makes more than I do (same pay grade, he has a re-enlistment bonus though),


Given a large enough network of people in the mililtary, I'm sure we could find someone who owes somebody just enough of a favor to really dick that guy over, or at least convince him to drop her.
 
2012-12-27 01:44:51 PM

Benni K Rok: NumberFiveIsAlive: Even though her boy-toy makes more than I do (same pay grade, he has a re-enlistment bonus though),

Given a large enough network of people in the mililtary, I'm sure we could find someone who owes somebody just enough of a favor to really dick that guy over, or at least convince him to drop her.


While revenge-ful and tasty in an evil sort of way, that's actually NOT what I want. Yes, her being a miserable coont all alone might make me feel a little better, I'm not a "revenge" sort of guy. I just want her to go the hell away and leave me alone forever.

That, and if she got a 2nd divorce, I'd REALLY be screwed if she asked for child support, because then I'd have no more argument against it. As I posted earlier, Michigan could potentially order me to STILL pay her money, even if I had full custody (still joint, still fighting that).
 
2012-12-27 01:46:14 PM

ShavedApe: This thread makes me want to get a vasectomy.


Do it. No joke. A few days on the couch playing video games and you'll feel good as new. And never be afraid of getting swindled by some chick who's biological clock made her stop taking birth control without telling you again.
 
2012-12-27 01:57:43 PM
First wife cheated on me like crazy. When I had proof, I filed for divorce, and basically got everything I wanted, including custody of our son. She lives 1000 miles away now, and my son sees her about twice a year.

Second wife left me for her ex-husband after she convinced me to pay for a boob job. I got 3 months out of some amazing 32DDD's before things went batsh*t. Surprise. She said she wanted custody of our son, but never did anything about it. The pics and posts on Reddit about her getting high all the time and taking care of the kids while she was high really looked bad in court, and I got everything I wanted again. House, car, money, and custody of my second son. She sees him for roughly 10 hours each month.

Now of course I have to figure out how to raise 2 boys on my own without without them completely failing at life and becoming a burden on society. I'm lucky that I have a pretty decent job now, which helps, and a great support network. Dating sounds like a terrible idea right now, and I'm pretty happy that I don't have to put up all of the girly crap in my house that number 2 had wanted. Overall, I'm in a better position than I was either time I was married, and my future is uncompromisingly mine (and my kids').
 
2012-12-27 01:58:44 PM
I was engaged twice. The first time she went to Texas to help her sick mom and never came back. Then years later she contacted me from Charlotte. She was working for NASCAR and banging a crew chief and a driver (different teams, not naming names) And this was right about when engagment #2 ended in my bad credit and her sleeping with everyone and their brother. Funny thing about #2 is she married the main guy that she was cheating on me with as he was her "soul mate". That is gut wrenching to have someone who jsut a few months before was telling you she wanted to spend the rest of her life with you. Funy thing is her and her "soulmate" lasted a little over a year with a kid. She probably left the kid with him like she did her last guy.
 
2012-12-27 01:59:08 PM

taurusowner: ShavedApe: This thread makes me want to get a vasectomy.

Do it. No joke. A few days on the couch playing video games and you'll feel good as new. And never be afraid of getting swindled by some chick who's biological clock made her stop taking birth control without telling you again.


Seriously... ^^^^THIS^^^^ x1000000.

Right after the procedure the doc looks at me and says "Congratulation. You just made $250000 for yourself.".

THE BEST decision I *ever* made. There is nothing quite like the look on some chick grifter's face when she pulls the "Oop! You're going to be a daddy" speach and you counter with "Ohhhhhhh... REALLY?!".
 
2012-12-27 02:03:36 PM

Mephi49: First wife cheated on me like crazy. When I had proof, I filed for divorce, and basically got everything I wanted, including custody of our son. She lives 1000 miles away now, and my son sees her about twice a year.

Second wife left me for her ex-husband after she convinced me to pay for a boob job. I got 3 months out of some amazing 32DDD's before things went batsh*t. Surprise. She said she wanted custody of our son, but never did anything about it. The pics and posts on Reddit about her getting high all the time and taking care of the kids while she was high really looked bad in court, and I got everything I wanted again. House, car, money, and custody of my second son. She sees him for roughly 10 hours each month.

Now of course I have to figure out how to raise 2 boys on my own without without them completely failing at life and becoming a burden on society. I'm lucky that I have a pretty decent job now, which helps, and a great support network. Dating sounds like a terrible idea right now, and I'm pretty happy that I don't have to put up all of the girly crap in my house that number 2 had wanted. Overall, I'm in a better position than I was either time I was married, and my future is uncompromisingly mine (and my kids').


This is why if I end up divorced again, I'm never approaching being married. Maybe sometime in the distant future having a serious g/f, but never married. I wanted to have the kind of marriage that some people on here talk about. Not perfect, but being close with someone that actually cares about you and the things you care about, and allows you to get that close to them in return...

But failing that, I think I'd rather have my freedom instead of staying with someone who cares more for her iPhone than me.
 
2012-12-27 02:09:43 PM

natas6.0: My (now ex) wife's besty had been divorced from my pal, had a kid by him
...
So I sent all the information to my pal. The judge ate her alive in court
he got custody and she pays out the nose


Is that why your wife is now your ex?
 
2012-12-27 02:13:11 PM
Irritated that Myth #5 implys that it's always the women who get alimony.

Sometimes the exwife has to pay up too. You know, as punishment for actually have a wonderful career that she'd worked her ass of for.

There you go guys, get a great lady with a full life and career and lap it up (pun intended) until you get scared that she "doesn't need you enough", quit your job, pretend to be looking for another but really spend your time picking up chicks by telling them that your wife doesn't understand you and never has time for you (neglecting to mention it's because she's working to keep the FARKING house from going into foreclosure), leave her and sue for alimony. In California, you'll win.
 
2012-12-27 02:16:19 PM
kremvax:

as someone in that situation - wtf exactly do you suggest? I don't want to ever be away from my kid, but marriage is pretty miserable (I suspect it's not for me in general).


Why not talk to her and try to make it work? Marriage is what you make of it. There may be more to it, but if it is just not working right now, make it work. My ex walked out rather than try, which is what makes me most angry. I'm willing to give marriage another go, but only with someone who is willing to make the effort, as well.
 
2012-12-27 02:17:52 PM

KrustyKitten: Irritated that Myth #5 implys that it's always the women who get alimony.

Sometimes the exwife has to pay up too. You know, as punishment for actually have a wonderful career that she'd worked her ass of for.

There you go guys, get a great lady with a full life and career and lap it up (pun intended) until you get scared that she "doesn't need you enough", quit your job, pretend to be looking for another but really spend your time picking up chicks by telling them that your wife doesn't understand you and never has time for you (neglecting to mention it's because she's working to keep the FARKING house from going into foreclosure), leave her and sue for alimony. In California, you'll win.


It bears repeating: shiatty people aren't gender specific.
 
2012-12-27 02:20:11 PM

pciszek: Genevieve Marie: Usually, in cheating situations, someone is looking for something that's missing from the relationship.

Do you similarly justify the actions of men who cheat? Just wondering.


That's why I very carefully made sure the statement was gender neutral.

Cheating is really, really hurtful and I feel terrible for anyone whose relationship ends that way, but even still- people usually act like cheating is the direct cause of breakups rather than a symptom that something was wrong in the relationship.
 
2012-12-27 02:20:16 PM

hubiestubert: Divorce is ugly, but it's survivable. Wall of text.


As a farker currently going through this, there is tons of truth here. Thanks for this awesome post.
What color would you like your comments to be good sir?
 
2012-12-27 02:21:49 PM
Whenever the hubs gets on my nerves, I smile sweetly and remind him: "Until death do us part" and then I laugh maniacally.

/40 years this coming July.
//Until death.
///Bwahahaha!
 
2012-12-27 02:21:57 PM

Benni K Rok: Aside from ALL of the sound advice above, see if you can catch up with some of the other baby mammas, and get some charges pressed against him. I know of at least one other deadbeat "dad" that needs to spend some time in jail.


And yet these are the guys who are winning the reproduction game. The reason men are such jerks is that women have been selectively breeding for the traits they prefer in a sperm donor, and that seems to be what they prefer. It's like the peacock's tail.
 
2012-12-27 02:25:20 PM

Genevieve Marie: pciszek: Genevieve Marie: Usually, in cheating situations, someone is looking for something that's missing from the relationship.

Do you similarly justify the actions of men who cheat? Just wondering.

That's why I very carefully made sure the statement was gender neutral.

Cheating is really, really hurtful and I feel terrible for anyone whose relationship ends that way, but even still- people usually act like cheating is the direct cause of breakups rather than a symptom that something was wrong in the relationship.


For some, I'm sure it can be. Sometimes, people are oblivious to other peoples' thoughts unless they, you know, sit down and talk it out like non-children. I agree that either way, something is wrong in the relationship, but the are way less hurtful ways to deal with it, and, if the need arises, end it.

I go back to what I said before. I just went through a bad breakup where the relationship would have never come to fruition had the other person been 100% honest with me. We could have saves ourselves two plus years worth of heartache.
 
2012-12-27 02:29:48 PM

KiwDaWabbit: Genevieve Marie: pciszek: Genevieve Marie: Usually, in cheating situations, someone is looking for something that's missing from the relationship.

Do you similarly justify the actions of men who cheat? Just wondering.

That's why I very carefully made sure the statement was gender neutral.

Cheating is really, really hurtful and I feel terrible for anyone whose relationship ends that way, but even still- people usually act like cheating is the direct cause of breakups rather than a symptom that something was wrong in the relationship.

For some, I'm sure it can be. Sometimes, people are oblivious to other peoples' thoughts unless they, you know, sit down and talk it out like non-children. I agree that either way, something is wrong in the relationship, but the are way less hurtful ways to deal with it, and, if the need arises, end it.

I go back to what I said before. I just went through a bad breakup where the relationship would have never come to fruition had the other person been 100% honest with me. We could have saves ourselves two plus years worth of heartache.


Oh absolutely, and I'm not justifying the behavior at all or trying to insinuate that it's an acceptable way to handle things. Just saying that sometimes, reflecting on what went wrong with a little more depth than "Stupid cheating whore" is probably a good idea if someone wants to learn from past relationship mistakes. Doesn't sound like you have that issue.
 
2012-12-27 02:31:31 PM

pciszek: Benni K Rok: Aside from ALL of the sound advice above, see if you can catch up with some of the other baby mammas, and get some charges pressed against him. I know of at least one other deadbeat "dad" that needs to spend some time in jail.

And yet these are the guys who are winning the reproduction game. The reason men are such jerks is that women have been selectively breeding for the traits they prefer in a sperm donor, and that seems to be what they prefer. It's like the peacock's tail.


It also seems like they also all start really damn early. I think I've met about three women in their mid 20's or older who don't have kids, typically from different dads.
 
2012-12-27 02:32:45 PM

Genevieve Marie: pciszek: Genevieve Marie: Usually, in cheating situations, someone is looking for something that's missing from the relationship.

Do you similarly justify the actions of men who cheat? Just wondering.

That's why I very carefully made sure the statement was gender neutral.

Cheating is really, really hurtful and I feel terrible for anyone whose relationship ends that way, but even still- people usually act like cheating is the direct cause of breakups rather than a symptom that something was wrong in the relationship.


You must be a social worker the way you spin it so that it is the victim's fault their partner betrayed their trust and love. There is no excuse for infidelity, period. If things are so bad you must turn to someone else for sex or friendship then it's time to end the relationship.

See how I managed to keep it gender neutral too even though your bias shows in many of your previous posts?

Tell us how it is the victims fault for getting raped while you're at it.
 
2012-12-27 02:38:29 PM

KiwDaWabbit: corronchilejano: Trance354: ...but I'm almost willing to go along just to keep the baby away from that POS.

Don't go there dude. Nothing good comes from a broken woman in a broken relationship. Advice, help, all good, but the second you stick your dick in that, you're in for a world of abuse.

I second this. If only I would have seen this two and a half years ago.

And adding a baby into the mix?
.
No. Stop. Don't.


Thirded. I've noticed, women that have a history of being abused will turn the tables on the nice guy.
 
2012-12-27 02:40:08 PM

Ohlookabutterfly: Genevieve Marie: pciszek: Genevieve Marie: Usually, in cheating situations, someone is looking for something that's missing from the relationship.

Do you similarly justify the actions of men who cheat? Just wondering.

That's why I very carefully made sure the statement was gender neutral.

Cheating is really, really hurtful and I feel terrible for anyone whose relationship ends that way, but even still- people usually act like cheating is the direct cause of breakups rather than a symptom that something was wrong in the relationship.

You must be a social worker the way you spin it so that it is the victim's fault their partner betrayed their trust and love. There is no excuse for infidelity, period. If things are so bad you must turn to someone else for sex or friendship then it's time to end the relationship.

See how I managed to keep it gender neutral too even though your bias shows in many of your previous posts?

Tell us how it is the victims fault for getting raped while you're at it.


The rape comparison is really stupid, and a little offensive.

And I'm pretty sure I said repeatedly that cheating is a horrible thing to do to someone. I just also tried to make it clear that generally, strong, solid relationships where both people are happy aren't the ones that end in cheating, and that if people want to move on to happier, better relationships, trying to figure out what really went wrong in their past ones is a good place to start.
 
2012-12-27 02:40:18 PM

Genevieve Marie: Oh absolutely, and I'm not justifying the behavior at all or trying to insinuate that it's an acceptable way to handle things. Just saying that sometimes, reflecting on what went wrong with a little more depth than "Stupid cheating whore" is probably a good idea if someone wants to learn from past relationship mistakes. Doesn't sound like you have that issue.


Well, hopefully, I'll get to test that theory some day.

Introspection isn't a problem for me, though. I'm more at the other end of the spectrum where it becomes more of a hinderance than anything, to the point where it's not helpful at all with the all-important "meeting new people" phase.

I have been trying to read a lot and figure out the "post-mortem" of my recent break-up, if you will. From what I have gathered so far, the major themes are that I settled and I didn't enforce any boundaries.
 
2012-12-27 02:40:20 PM

Genevieve Marie: pciszek: Genevieve Marie: Usually, in cheating situations, someone is looking for something that's missing from the relationship.

Do you similarly justify the actions of men who cheat? Just wondering.

That's why I very carefully made sure the statement was gender neutral.

Cheating is really, really hurtful and I feel terrible for anyone whose relationship ends that way, but even still- people usually act like cheating is the direct cause of breakups rather than a symptom that something was wrong in the relationship.


'Cause there are no other "symptoms" that come before Cheating... like dishonesty or flagrant disrespect for the person you promised to honor and cherish...

...nnope. Sure aren't.
 
2012-12-27 02:40:52 PM
My ex wife seem to make farking with me a hobby of hers.
Since our divorce 12 years ago, she has:
1) Had our daughter start calling herself by the last name of her current husband
2) Tried to register the child in school under the new last name
3) Made up reasons she can't come to visit
4) Intercepted mail and phone calls so it appears as though I am not interested in seeing or communicating with our daughter
5) Scuttled a trip to Hawaii for the (legally my year) holidays
6) Waited until I was working out in the Pacific territories (mail lead time, 4-6 weeks) to file papers seeking CS adjustment that was way out of line with what I was making (ensuring I wouldn't get notices until the time to respond had passed)
7) When I returned and filed for an adjustment, made excuses to have the hearing continued for TWO FARKING YEARS just to keep the bill running up, even though it exceeded what I was making
8) Tried to have my spouse's income added in as part of my resources when it did come time for the hearing

And on, and on and on. The thing that pisses me off the most is that the courts let people get away with that kind of crap. My CS payments exceed my income. Nobody can afford an attorney when they're in that position, and she knows it and takes advantage of that fact.

I did finally get the CS adjusted, but like I said, it took 2 years, and I'm still on the hook for the balance, even though the judge did agree that I should have been paying about a quarter of that for that two years, his hands were tied due to federal laws.

My point is, the system if farked up, and if you have a vindictive ex, it can be hell for years.
Thankfully, our daughter turns 18 in a few months, and after that her mom will have no cause to screw with me anymore.
What I don't get, is why. Why would you dedicate 12 years of your life to screwing over somebody that is no longer a part of it? Maybe it's just me, I tend to pick up and move on with life when things change, and I would never screw up the relationship a child has with a parent. It doesn't make sense to me...she has a decent life now, a husband that she constantly henpecks (at least that's what I've seen the times we've been around each other) that seems happy to put up with it, a decent career, all that stuff.

/Rant off
 
2012-12-27 02:43:51 PM

Rhino_man: True story, wife #2 had been pressuring me for about a year to be a farking polygamist because she didn't want to be alone at home while I was at work, and another wife would keep her company.


I fail to see the problem.
 
2012-12-27 02:47:08 PM

KiwDaWabbit: Genevieve Marie: Oh absolutely, and I'm not justifying the behavior at all or trying to insinuate that it's an acceptable way to handle things. Just saying that sometimes, reflecting on what went wrong with a little more depth than "Stupid cheating whore" is probably a good idea if someone wants to learn from past relationship mistakes. Doesn't sound like you have that issue.

Well, hopefully, I'll get to test that theory some day.

Introspection isn't a problem for me, though. I'm more at the other end of the spectrum where it becomes more of a hinderance than anything, to the point where it's not helpful at all with the all-important "meeting new people" phase.

I have been trying to read a lot and figure out the "post-mortem" of my recent break-up, if you will. From what I have gathered so far, the major themes are that I settled and I didn't enforce any boundaries.


Makes sense. I had the same issue in one of my previous relationships, and it also ended with him cheating on me. Quite honestly, at that point, I was relieved to have a solid reason to end the relationship, even though I was hurt. I hadn't been happy for a long time, and I only realized how unhappy I really was at the end.

Good luck with your next one.
 
2012-12-27 02:50:30 PM

Genevieve Marie: Ohlookabutterfly: Genevieve Marie: pciszek: Genevieve Marie: Usually, in cheating situations, someone is looking for something that's missing from the relationship.

Do you similarly justify the actions of men who cheat? Just wondering.

That's why I very carefully made sure the statement was gender neutral.

Cheating is really, really hurtful and I feel terrible for anyone whose relationship ends that way, but even still- people usually act like cheating is the direct cause of breakups rather than a symptom that something was wrong in the relationship.

You must be a social worker the way you spin it so that it is the victim's fault their partner betrayed their trust and love. There is no excuse for infidelity, period. If things are so bad you must turn to someone else for sex or friendship then it's time to end the relationship.

See how I managed to keep it gender neutral too even though your bias shows in many of your previous posts?

Tell us how it is the victims fault for getting raped while you're at it.

The rape comparison is really stupid, and a little offensive.

And I'm pretty sure I said repeatedly that cheating is a horrible thing to do to someone. I just also tried to make it clear that generally, strong, solid relationships where both people are happy aren't the ones that end in cheating, and that if people want to move on to happier, better relationships, trying to figure out what really went wrong in their past ones is a good place to start.


I'm sorry you choose to feel offended but I feel the comparison is valid if a bit strong. I strongly believe in empathy and at least trying to see a disagreement from the other persons perspective but it isn't fair to say all people that are cheated on were somehow partly responsible.

I ended a horribly emotionally and verbally abusive relationship and my always tactful brother said it was my fault I was abused, I chose to stay with her. I pulled out the rape comparison then too.
 
2012-12-27 02:52:53 PM

kaseyfarksdaladies: KiwDaWabbit: corronchilejano: Trance354: ...but I'm almost willing to go along just to keep the baby away from that POS.

Don't go there dude. Nothing good comes from a broken woman in a broken relationship. Advice, help, all good, but the second you stick your dick in that, you're in for a world of abuse.

I second this. If only I would have seen this two and a half years ago.

And adding a baby into the mix?
.
No. Stop. Don't.

Thirded. I've noticed, women that have a history of being abused will turn the tables on the nice guy.


I think that's also part of the catalog of what happened to me, but not in that she became abusive.

It was much more like she became entitled and didn't show gratitude for anything (along with being physically, emotionally, and mentally detatched). I was actually the one who began saying mean-spirited things on a routine basis both out of stress and frustration (which ultimately metastasized into anger). Let me be the first to say that no one deserves written or verbal abuse. I know. Trust me, I was bad and I feel bad. I erroneously thought that I didn't have the capacity for such things and found myself acting out of character. I am addressing that now on my own.

We even did a short stint with therapy about nine months before the shiat really started to hit the fan, and I feel like it turned into two on one and that I should feel crazy for even asking for love and affection. Then, of course, I said something stupid, allowing her the chance to skip a session and then blame me because we weren't trying therapy.

Again, this is all anecdotal, but do not settle. I know it pains you to see this girl get hurt, but unless you've got a few letters behind your name, you're probably not equipped to handle her. If you want to make the judgement to get involved, by all means, get involved, but make sure that your involvement is helping her to find routes to the professionals out there who will be able to provide her with care.
 
2012-12-27 02:56:38 PM

Ohlookabutterfly: Genevieve Marie: Ohlookabutterfly: Genevieve Marie: pciszek: Genevieve Marie: Usually, in cheating situations, someone is looking for something that's missing from the relationship.

Do you similarly justify the actions of men who cheat? Just wondering.

That's why I very carefully made sure the statement was gender neutral.

Cheating is really, really hurtful and I feel terrible for anyone whose relationship ends that way, but even still- people usually act like cheating is the direct cause of breakups rather than a symptom that something was wrong in the relationship.

You must be a social worker the way you spin it so that it is the victim's fault their partner betrayed their trust and love. There is no excuse for infidelity, period. If things are so bad you must turn to someone else for sex or friendship then it's time to end the relationship.

See how I managed to keep it gender neutral too even though your bias shows in many of your previous posts?

Tell us how it is the victims fault for getting raped while you're at it.

The rape comparison is really stupid, and a little offensive.

And I'm pretty sure I said repeatedly that cheating is a horrible thing to do to someone. I just also tried to make it clear that generally, strong, solid relationships where both people are happy aren't the ones that end in cheating, and that if people want to move on to happier, better relationships, trying to figure out what really went wrong in their past ones is a good place to start.

I'm sorry you choose to feel offended but I feel the comparison is valid if a bit strong. I strongly believe in empathy and at least trying to see a disagreement from the other persons perspective but it isn't fair to say all people that are cheated on were somehow partly responsible.

I ended a horribly emotionally and verbally abusive relationship and my always tactful brother said it was my fault I was abused, I chose to stay with her. I pulled out the rape comparison then too.


And blaming someone for their own abuse would be a horrible thing to do, but infidelity is not always abuse. It can be part of a bigger pattern of emotional abuse, but it is not emotional abuse in and of itself. It's also not a crime.

And I wasn't even trying to imply that people who get cheated on are responsible for the fact that they got cheated on. I was just saying that reflecting back on the other parts of the relationship and trying to figure out what went wrong is a more productive way to move forward than clinging to bitter hatred of an ex.
 
2012-12-27 02:58:07 PM

pciszek: Benni K Rok: Aside from ALL of the sound advice above, see if you can catch up with some of the other baby mammas, and get some charges pressed against him. I know of at least one other deadbeat "dad" that needs to spend some time in jail.

And yet these are the guys who are winning the reproduction game. The reason men are such jerks is that women have been selectively breeding for the traits they prefer in a sperm donor, and that seems to be what they prefer. It's like the peacock's tail.


That was going to be my response for why he should stay away from that one. People have a type they gravitate towards, and in her case it's deadbeats who treat her like shiat. She'll likely get bored quickly by a stable guy who wants a normal relationship.
 
2012-12-27 03:00:26 PM

farkin_noob: /My sisters were pissed because I didn't make him pay child support for a kid that wasn't his.


This is honorable. And in the arena of divorce, for heaven's sake?? People will make up abuse for a few dollars a month. You get a very shiny gold star.

/not worth any more than no child support, but still.
 
2012-12-27 03:05:06 PM

Genevieve Marie: I have been trying to read a lot and figure out the "post-mortem" of my recent break-up, if you will. From what I have gathered so far, the major themes are that I settled and I didn't enforce any boundaries.

Makes sense. I had the same issue in one of my previous relationships, and it also ended with him cheating on me. Quite honestly, at that point, I was relieved to have a solid reason to end the relationship, even though I was hurt. I hadn't been happy for a long time, and I only realized how unhappy I really was at the end.


This is my story as well. I let her walk all over me and just rolled over and let it happen. Once I became depressed from the way I was treated and the failure of her to change any part of our lifestyle to make ends meet, she decided it was time to go out to the bars and bang random guys.

After initiating the divorce, I started seeing a therapist that lead me to research Borderline Personality Disorder, and reading into that, it was like I was a case file for their research.
 
2012-12-27 03:05:26 PM

Genevieve Marie: Makes sense. I had the same issue in one of my previous relationships, and it also ended with him cheating on me. Quite honestly, at that point, I was relieved to have a solid reason to end the relationship, even though I was hurt. I hadn't been happy for a long time, and I only realized how unhappy I really was at the end.

Good luck with your next one.


Thanks (if there is a next one).

I should note that I don't think I was ever cheated on, though she was adept at hiding things. I just don't have any evidence of impropriety other than the bondage gear that she was having delivered to her new place the same day she was to take the last of her things from mine (again, we had a loveless and sexless relationship after which I found out that she was a sex addict). But, this was all clearly after the relationship had already ended.

I have probably thought this through too much, but I have a suspicion that what I found out about her after the fact may have been something she wanted to be find out in hopes that it might generate me being down on bended knee presenting a dramatic mea culpa.

In the end, I don't know and I'll never find out.

All I know is that a) I was lied to in some major ways and b) it farked me up pretty good.
 
2012-12-27 03:08:03 PM

Peekachicka: My ex still lives in this imaginary world that if he refuses to keep a job then he should be able to get his child support reduced (new one every month or two).


There's a big surprise waiting for him.  The courts go by what he is capable of earning.  Your ex is the reason why men get screwed big time when they really can't find better work, e.g. bad economy.

He also believes that because I have a boyfriend that can financially support our son and I that the courts should force us to get married so that he can magically stop paying child support

If you move in with your boyfriend, that would be true for the alimony but not the child support (in California).
 
2012-12-27 03:14:19 PM

Genevieve Marie: And blaming someone for their own abuse would be a horrible thing to do, but infidelity is not always abuse.


This is something like saying an apple is not always an orange to me. Seems pretty self-evident that infidelity isn't abuse. It's rare, if not downright uncommon that the primary goal for the adulterer is to harm the other person, the goal is to satisfy their own desires- considerations their partner are entirely omitted from that transaction.

The only way cheating could be defined as abuse is from the perspective of a person who seems to be laboring under the delusion that absolutely everything in the world happens for the sole purpose of directly affecting them- either to their benefit, or to their detriment- as in this case.

And this is precisely why it isn't a "symptom" of a failing relationship anymore than having a cracked skull is a symptom of having done a swan dive from five stories onto concrete, it's the result of a process.

There's a whole lot of things that come before that result- that enable it. And if you missed them, well then that may be part of the problem there (assuming that it isn't that you think the sun rises and sets in your own ass).
 
2012-12-27 03:14:40 PM

KnowledgeJunkie: One reason, for example, is that lifespans are radically different now (even compared to 100 years ago). People who get married now (as opposed to then) can expect to be together much, much longer- which could present all sorts of problems in a marriage that didn't exist back then (even psychologically- knowing you're going to have to put up with someone's little ticks or annoyances for a long time.)


Some time back I was doing some historical research and ran across a very interesting chart.  It showed the average duration of marriages in England from the late 16th century to the late 20th century (I think about the 1970s).  The marriage durations stayed roughly the same the entire four centuries.  At first the primary reason a marriage ended was death, typically the woman in childbirth.  That changed to divorce later on.  Their was a big bump in the duration in the first half of the 20th century when medical science became advanced enough to actually keep people alive but it was nearly impossible to get a divorce.
 
2012-12-27 03:16:46 PM

SkunkWerks: Genevieve Marie: And blaming someone for their own abuse would be a horrible thing to do, but infidelity is not always abuse.

This is something like saying an apple is not always an orange to me. Seems pretty self-evident that infidelity isn't abuse. It's rare, if not downright uncommon that the primary goal for the adulterer is to harm the other person, the goal is to satisfy their own desires- considerations their partner are entirely omitted from that transaction.

The only way cheating could be defined as abuse is from the perspective of a person who seems to be laboring under the delusion that absolutely everything in the world happens for the sole purpose of directly affecting them- either to their benefit, or to their detriment- as in this case.

And this is precisely why it isn't a "symptom" of a failing relationship anymore than having a cracked skull is a symptom of having done a swan dive from five stories onto concrete, it's the result of a process.

There's a whole lot of things that come before that result- that enable it. And if you missed them, well then that may be part of the problem there (assuming that it isn't that you think the sun rises and sets in your own ass).


You just expressed exactly the point I was trying to make in a much more straightforward way. Thank you.
 
2012-12-27 03:21:46 PM

Trance354: Ditto!
Currently watching the slow and painful breakup of a girl 2 doors down and her mentally abusive live-in bf. He doesn't work. He doesn't cook. I've seen the inside of their apartment, so I know he doesn't clean. She is 3 months pregnant, and that waste of a human being is the father. Apparently he can fark, because this is not his first, and the other kids never see him, so I have the feeling that when the newborn is crying all night, someone will bail and she will not seek alimony or child support due to his lack of employment.
On a side note, she has said she wants to be free of him, and has come right out and told me she'd love to date me, a "real man." Don't know what she's looking at, cause it isn't me, but I'm almost willing to go along just to keep the baby away from that POS. And yes, she is very attractive, a lot smarter than she gives herself credit for, and can do anything she puts her mind to do, but has low self-worth due to the mental abuse from the sperm donor. I just don't know...

/She likes my cooking
//so does he, and he eats all of it
///never seen such selfish behavior


Stay
The
Fark
Away

Nothing good can come of this. This idiot woman who is putting up with the loser may want a 'real' man now, but she will change. Lets say you start dating her and get serious. You start looking after the kid. Pretty soon she will be looking for the excitement and spontaneity that an asshole boyfriend (or biatchy girlfriend) brings. You'll be the one left holding the bag and picking up the crap that falls outs. Find a sensible gal in the first place.

Thankfully I've avoided such gals through dumb luck. Some of girls I dated way back when, but left me for whatever reason, are now on husbands 3 and 4. They still lament on Facebook why then can't find a 'real' man who will give them and their kids a good stable home. Well, if they are not stable and they prefer unstable partners... good luck with that.
 
2012-12-27 03:23:28 PM

browntimmy: That was going to be my response for why he should stay away from that one. People have a type they gravitate towards, and in her case it's deadbeats who treat her like shiat. She'll likely get bored quickly by a stable guy who wants a normal relationship.


I know of one woman who, once she realized that the men she was attracted to were psychopaths, deliberately went and hooked up with a stable guy who did not excite her. Last I heard they are still married many years later.
 
2012-12-27 03:27:01 PM

Genevieve Marie: I just also tried to make it clear that generally, strong, solid relationships where both people are happy aren't the ones that end in cheating


That's not true. The percentage of affairs that happen while both partners claim to be happy is surprisingly high. If you believe this segment on This American Life, half of men and a third of women who cheat say their marriage is happy. Sometimes there's something wrong with the people, and not the relationship.


Genevieve Marie: Cheating is really, really hurtful and I feel terrible for anyone whose relationship ends that way, but even still- people usually act like cheating is the direct cause of breakups rather than a symptom that something was wrong in the relationship.


Because cheating IS the direct cause of a lot of breakups. A lot of problems that would have been solvable if only the person had spoken up, suddenly become unsolvable after cheating. It's like throwing a nuclear bomb into an already troubled relationship. I'm not saying self-reflection at the end of a relationship is a bad thing, but some of your posts do really come across as blaming the victim. There is never justification for cheating.

/cheated
 
2012-12-27 03:27:05 PM

Orangeness: kremvax:

as someone in that situation - wtf exactly do you suggest? I don't want to ever be away from my kid, but marriage is pretty miserable (I suspect it's not for me in general).


Why not talk to her and try to make it work? Marriage is what you make of it. There may be more to it, but if it is just not working right now, make it work. My ex walked out rather than try, which is what makes me most angry. I'm willing to give marriage another go, but only with someone who is willing to make the effort, as well.


skipping sarcastic remarks.. at this point, I gave up and don't even want it to work. You are right about the last part, but consider someone who's not willing and yet doesn't walk out.
 
2012-12-27 03:28:29 PM

Genevieve Marie: SkunkWerks: Genevieve Marie: And blaming someone for their own abuse would be a horrible thing to do, but infidelity is not always abuse.

This is something like saying an apple is not always an orange to me. Seems pretty self-evident that infidelity isn't abuse. It's rare, if not downright uncommon that the primary goal for the adulterer is to harm the other person, the goal is to satisfy their own desires- considerations their partner are entirely omitted from that transaction.

The only way cheating could be defined as abuse is from the perspective of a person who seems to be laboring under the delusion that absolutely everything in the world happens for the sole purpose of directly affecting them- either to their benefit, or to their detriment- as in this case.

And this is precisely why it isn't a "symptom" of a failing relationship anymore than having a cracked skull is a symptom of having done a swan dive from five stories onto concrete, it's the result of a process.

There's a whole lot of things that come before that result- that enable it. And if you missed them, well then that may be part of the problem there (assuming that it isn't that you think the sun rises and sets in your own ass).

You just expressed exactly the point I was trying to make in a much more straightforward way. Thank you.


You're welcome?

I still strongly disagree that cheating is a symptom of a failing relationship. "Failing" sounds like it'll last a while.

It's the hallmark of a failed relationship. As in: the final stage. Over. Done.

When police investigate a murder in which a person was stabbed 70+ times, the first person they typically suspect is the spouse. Takes a lot of time to hate a person that hard. Just like it takes a lot of time to disrespect another human being that flagrantly- assuming you began from a sincere wish to honor and cherish that person anyway.

...if that wasn't the intention from the outset you've got an entirely different issue, one where that Ounce of Prevention is looking pretty damn peachy.
 
2012-12-27 03:29:23 PM

unatnaes: farkin_noob: /My sisters were pissed because I didn't make him pay child support for a kid that wasn't his.

This is honorable. And in the arena of divorce, for heaven's sake?? People will make up abuse for a few dollars a month. You get a very shiny gold star.

/not worth any more than no child support, but still.


Haha...thanks. Sometimes I think to myself I'm an idiot for being honorable, but I'd rather struggle a bit than be like my greedy, wretched sisters.
 
2012-12-27 03:32:33 PM

Genevieve Marie: Yup. And I'd say that it's almost never entirely one person's fault- even in cheating situations.

Usually, in cheating situations, someone is looking for something that's missing from the relationship. Granted, it's a terrible way to handle it. But if you've been repeatedly cheated on, you can go one of two ways: You can assume that it means all relationships, everywhere, are doomed to failure and that women are crazy/evil or men are pigs/assholes.

Or you can acknowledge that there's a reason the story keeps repeating and start looking for what that is. Self-reflection is hard, but it's generally worthwhile.


Genevieve Marie: And I wasn't even trying to imply that people who get cheated on are responsible for the fact that they got cheated on. I was just saying that reflecting back on the other parts of the relationship and trying to figure out what went wrong is a more productive way to move forward than clinging to bitter hatred of an ex.


Really?
 
2012-12-27 03:36:35 PM

Ohlookabutterfly:

I'm sorry you choose to feel offended but I feel the comparison is valid if a bit strong. I strongly believe in empathy and at least trying to see a disagreement from the other persons perspective but it isn't fair to say all people that are cheated on were somehow partly responsible.

I ended a horribly emotionally and verbally abusive relationship and my always tactful brother said it was my fault I was abused, I chose to stay with her. I pulled out the rape comparison then too.


If you get cheated on early(ish) in a relationship, it's not your fault at all. There's no surefire way to screen for that kind of behavior.

But we're talking about marriage here. You (presumably) spent enough time with this person, even lived together before getting married (you DID do that one, right?) and got to know them well enough to figure out if they make a habit out of lying. Whether they do things that someone who has nothing to hide doesn't do. The signs are always there. This thread has listed some of the more common ones.
'Course, you could be spotting the signs and choosing to ignore / downplay them. If you still go ahead with the marriage, then you are partly to blame for the outcome.
Or you might not be allowing enough time to get to know each other before getting married. You are partly to blame.
Or you got married when you were too young to even know what signs to look for. Again, you are partly to blame, even though nobody told you this.
The other possibility is that your SO wasn't the kind of person looking to cheat on every opportunity, but the relationship got rocky enough that he/she turned to that. Shame on your SO for taking the cowardly way out, instead of just ending it. But a healthy relationship doesn't just get rocky on its own. It takes two to tango.


tl;dr Either you married someone you really shouldn't have, or played your part in your marriage going south.
 
2012-12-27 03:36:39 PM

kremvax: Orangeness: kremvax:

as someone in that situation - wtf exactly do you suggest? I don't want to ever be away from my kid, but marriage is pretty miserable (I suspect it's not for me in general).


Why not talk to her and try to make it work? Marriage is what you make of it. There may be more to it, but if it is just not working right now, make it work. My ex walked out rather than try, which is what makes me most angry. I'm willing to give marriage another go, but only with someone who is willing to make the effort, as well.

skipping sarcastic remarks.. at this point, I gave up and don't even want it to work. You are right about the last part, but consider someone who's not willing and yet doesn't walk out.



Given that, she sounds much like my ex. I ended up giving up near the end, as well, because he wasn't willing to try. Him leaving was perhaps the best thing that could have happened for me, given his unwillingness to try. I hope that you can find a solution that works and I'm sorry that it sounds like you ended up where we were.
 
2012-12-27 03:38:00 PM

SkunkWerks: I still strongly disagree that cheating is a symptom of a failing relationship. "Failing" sounds like it'll last a while.

It's the hallmark of a failed relationship. As in: the final stage. Over. Done.


I agree, and I don't think I expressed the point I was trying to make particularly well when I started posting. It was 6am, and I'd been up all night. (Wretched insomnia)

I originally started posting because there were a few stories from people who are on failed marriage two or three and think that all of the problems can be attributed to their exes being crazy. I was just trying to point out that generally, it does take two people to create a toxic relationship, even when one person bears most of the responsibility, and that trying to figure out what went wrong should be a more involved process than just blaming everything on the other partner all of the time. And if you've been involved in multiple toxic relationships, than you probably have a few issues of your own to work through.

That was it. Sorry that I didn't make my point as clearly as I should have.
 
2012-12-27 03:50:11 PM

Genevieve Marie: KiwDaWabbit: Genevieve Marie: Oh absolutely, and I'm not justifying the behavior at all or trying to insinuate that it's an acceptable way to handle things. Just saying that sometimes, reflecting on what went wrong with a little more depth than "Stupid cheating whore" is probably a good idea if someone wants to learn from past relationship mistakes. Doesn't sound like you have that issue.

Well, hopefully, I'll get to test that theory some day.

Introspection isn't a problem for me, though. I'm more at the other end of the spectrum where it becomes more of a hinderance than anything, to the point where it's not helpful at all with the all-important "meeting new people" phase.

I have been trying to read a lot and figure out the "post-mortem" of my recent break-up, if you will. From what I have gathered so far, the major themes are that I settled and I didn't enforce any boundaries.

Makes sense. I had the same issue in one of my previous relationships, and it also ended with him cheating on me. Quite honestly, at that point, I was relieved to have a solid reason to end the relationship, even though I was hurt. I hadn't been happy for a long time, and I only realized how unhappy I really was at the end.

Good luck with your next one.


Listen to her guys, despite her being young she does make a lot of sense. She was the one that prodded me into getting a divorce a few years ago, and I'm much happier and saner now.
 
2012-12-27 03:52:59 PM

SingerWang: I'm much happier and saner now.


It's so nice to see you! Glad to hear you're doing well.
 
2012-12-27 03:55:17 PM

Atomic Spunk: Harry_Seldon: Atomic Spunk: On those days where you feel that nothing is going right, it sure is nice to have someone to offer you words of encouragement and support. If you ever feel sorry for yourself, it's great to have someone who can remind you of all of the good things in your life.

This is much better...
[www.petside.com image 624x475]

When I find a puppy that can earn a paycheck, do housework, produce a human child, have a lifespan greater than about 12 years and give me a decent blowjob, then I'll be inclined to agree.

Though I've heard that a healthy dose of peanut butter can assist with my last requirement.


I can't help you with the rest, but I think lowering the radioactivity of your semen could help with the last bit. Maybe try eating less bananas; I think I heard somewhere that the potassium in them will set of a geiger counter.
 
2012-12-27 03:55:39 PM

Two16: taurusowner: ShavedApe: This thread makes me want to get a vasectomy.

Do it. No joke. A few days on the couch playing video games and you'll feel good as new. And never be afraid of getting swindled by some chick who's biological clock made her stop taking birth control without telling you again.

Seriously... ^^^^THIS^^^^ x1000000.

Right after the procedure the doc looks at me and says "Congratulation. You just made $250000 for yourself.".

THE BEST decision I *ever* made. There is nothing quite like the look on some chick grifter's face when she pulls the "Oop! You're going to be a daddy" speach and you counter with "Ohhhhhhh... REALLY?!".


There was a story here on Fark about a man who had a vasectomy, didn't tell his GF, and waited until things got really far along the 'I'm pregnamt, you're the daddy' trail until he revealed it. Funny as hell. Wish i could find it again.
 
2012-12-27 04:00:49 PM

fredklein:
There was a story here on Fark about a man who had a vasectomy, didn't tell his GF, and waited until things got really far along the 'I'm pregnamt, you're the daddy' trail until he revealed it. Funny as hell. Wish i could find it again.


OMG Found it!! Teh Google, it does something! Link, about 9 posts down.

Reproduced here for your reading pleasure:
thismomentinblackhistory [TotalFark]
I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshiat insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the 2 test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshiat insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shiat. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are 2 test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshiat, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

29 Nov 2011 08:41 AM
 
2012-12-27 04:01:33 PM
I got married to a girl I went to college with. Roomed with her and a girl friend for a few years, had a crush on her for 9 years, met up with her in Denver and, after accidentally fathering a child with her, got married. Things went pretty ok for a while and then we started to argue. Often. But it never seemed to be too much, you know?

How much arguing is too much?

Well, I guess the answer is "when its more than the other person wants". I was born into a very confrontational, very conservative family. My ex-wife was born into a very liberal, progressive family. We didn't mix well. Silly me.

After about three good years of marriage and four bad years of marriage and after meeting her ex-Marine, ex-boyfriend on Facebook, she wanted a divorce. Frankly, things went to hell and it was both our faults. The divorce was mostly amicable, only because I wouldn't let it careen in any crazy direction. She threatened to bury us in debt if I didn't let her leave the state with our daughter....

....and the ellipsis encapsulates decisions that I will never forgive myself for. Two years later, I see my daughter about 130 days a year. Its never enough. And while I'm absolutely positive her mother does everything she can to BE a good mother, I think our daughter needs more "toughlove". She needs to hear "no" more often. The hard part about being the dad that isn't always there is that you want to be liked. You want your kids to WANT to see you. And being the "toughlove" parent when you don't have full custody is difficult.

Since the divorce, I met and married someone else who is tough as nails and gels with me properly. And together, we make about three times as much as I made with my previous wife. We live very comfortably. We went and had a baby boy, are considering a second baby even though I'm over 40 now.

But my daughter is the wrench in the works. Don't get me wrong. I love her. My wife loves her. My daughter loves her new baby brother. But everything is just....awkward. It scares me to think that everything is going to remain....awkward forever and ever. My current wife and I fight about how to handle my ex-wife. Which presents get to go back with my daughter. How much to pay for medical treatments. Should I send more than the usual $1000 a month in child support. (Yeah....there's a huge difference between what her mom makes and what I make).

Holy crap I wrote a ton here. Long story short...unusually structured families are difficult to deal with. In my wife's extended family (her dad had 8 siblings, her mom had 11 and each of THOSE has at least two kids each), we are the only couple touched by divorce. We do our best to cope. I have no doubt we will continue to cope and wring as much joy out of it as we can. Not that I don't yearn for normalcy....
 
2012-12-27 04:04:02 PM

Genevieve Marie: SingerWang: I'm much happier and saner now.

It's so nice to see you! Glad to hear you're doing well.


Thank you again for helping me see the right thing to do. I was miserable and there was no hope. In the last two years I bought a home (well, a townhouse) and settled down in a new job (which is awesome and we get Christmas->New Years off as Holiday).

I'm seeing someone I met off OKCupid a few weeks ago and its going well, but who knows :) All I know is that our evening is cancelled due to the 30cm of white stuff and piling up outside. Despite living in Canuckistan, we're both wussies and not a fan of the white stuff :(
 
2012-12-27 04:05:12 PM
You marry a Lamborghini
chienna.files.wordpress.com
and end up with a Volkswagon bug.
4.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-12-27 04:05:12 PM

wingnut396: Stay
The
Fark
Away

Nothing good can come of this. This idiot woman who is putting up with the loser may want a 'real' man now, but she will change. Lets say you start dating her and get serious. You start looking after the kid. Pretty soon she will be looking for the excitement and spontaneity that an asshole boyfriend (or biatchy girlfriend) brings. You'll be the one left holding the bag and picking up the crap that falls outs. Find a sensible gal in the first place.

Thankfully I've avoided such gals through dumb luck. Some of girls I dated way back when, but left me for whatever reason, are now on husbands 3 and 4. They still lament on Facebook why then can't find a 'real' man who will give them and their kids a good stable home. Well, if they are not stable and they prefer unstable partners... good luck with that.


I think there is something to be said that the only common denominator in your failed relationships is you. This isn't meant as in "you personally" (i.e., wingnut396), but as a generality. In this case, "you" also applies to me. That is why having the ability to critique yourself is so crucial and why not having that ability will be one of the reasons that my ex will continue wondering why shiat keeps falling from the sky onto her.
 
2012-12-27 04:06:14 PM

SingerWang: Genevieve Marie: SingerWang: I'm much happier and saner now.

It's so nice to see you! Glad to hear you're doing well.

Thank you again for helping me see the right thing to do. I was miserable and there was no hope. In the last two years I bought a home (well, a townhouse) and settled down in a new job (which is awesome and we get Christmas->New Years off as Holiday).

I'm seeing someone I met off OKCupid a few weeks ago and its going well, but who knows :) All I know is that our evening is cancelled due to the 30cm of white stuff and piling up outside. Despite living in Canuckistan, we're both wussies and not a fan of the white stuff :(


That's fantastic. And I'm still adjusting to the winter weather thing myself. We moved to New England two months ago- I'm in Boston now.

Big change from New Orleans, but I like it so far.
 
2012-12-27 04:14:16 PM

Genevieve Marie: SingerWang: Genevieve Marie: SingerWang: I'm much happier and saner now.

It's so nice to see you! Glad to hear you're doing well.

Thank you again for helping me see the right thing to do. I was miserable and there was no hope. In the last two years I bought a home (well, a townhouse) and settled down in a new job (which is awesome and we get Christmas->New Years off as Holiday).

I'm seeing someone I met off OKCupid a few weeks ago and its going well, but who knows :) All I know is that our evening is cancelled due to the 30cm of white stuff and piling up outside. Despite living in Canuckistan, we're both wussies and not a fan of the white stuff :(

That's fantastic. And I'm still adjusting to the winter weather thing myself. We moved to New England two months ago- I'm in Boston now.

Big change from New Orleans, but I like it so far.


You'll never get used to it, trust me. I been living in Canada over 25 years now and I still hate the snow.
 
2012-12-27 04:47:36 PM

OgreMagi: Peekachicka: My ex still lives in this imaginary world that if he refuses to keep a job then he should be able to get his child support reduced (new one every month or two).

There's a big surprise waiting for him.  The courts go by what he is capable of earning.  Your ex is the reason why men get screwed big time when they really can't find better work, e.g. bad economy.

He also believes that because I have a boyfriend that can financially support our son and I that the courts should force us to get married so that he can magically stop paying child support

If you move in with your boyfriend, that would be true for the alimony but not the child support (in California).


We were never married. Supposed to be a summer fling but as he says "shiat happens." Thats the way the birth control crumbles. However, our son is just the most awesome little ball of dirt and sunshine.

I do feel bad for men being screwed by the system because of people like my ex. I would see them in court, especially after 2008, looking terrified that they still owe their ex's hundreds of dollars when they're being handed eviction notices. Women do it too. Demanding more money when they're obviously doing better than the father. They screw it up for women who see the majority of their money going to child care and need the extra support but can't get it.

My ex will never understand that the courts will not feel sorry for someone who goes through jobs like bottles of shampoo and then claims to not find stable work. You'd think when the judge gives you one of these o_O you'd consider your actions more carefully but...no.
 
2012-12-27 05:00:27 PM
I had misgivings when my ex-wife kicked her maid of honor out of our wedding - the month before the wedding.

Then, her parents announced they were getting a divorce the day we got back from our honeymoon.

My ex-wife decided the divorce was all her dad's fault.

At work, the ex-wife got into it with every boss she had. (She argued with one who complained about her timeliness at work that as a salaried employee, she didn't have to work 40 hours a week.)

When we had our son, she announced she was going to be a stay-at-home mother. I'm pretty sure my son spent the first 2 years of his life watching 6+ hours of TV a day. The house was always a mess. We had a housecleaner that came every other week.

My ex-wife took our son the day after his 2-year-old birthday party, and moved in with her mother - 100 miles away. I have a unique job specializing in wireless communications in the aerospace and defense industry - I have a master's degree from Purdue. My ex-wife argued that I should dump that career, and follow her to her hometown if I really loved my son. I argued that we were married, and decided to have a child together HERE, and she had no right to unilaterally relocate him away from me.

Karma caught up with her. The day after she left, I called her dad (whom she had written off and disowned for reasons she cannot articulate) and let him know that he was welcome to visit his grandson anytime he wanted. I had always implored her to establish some "normal" relationship with her father - to basically acknowledge his existence - and he appreciated my efforts. I could not have foreseen how being kind to him would eventually be repaid in spades.

The fact that I was her father's access to his grandson came out in court when she produced a map of everyone in her hometown who would be available to help her raise our son - and left her dad off the map!

Fortunately, the judge ruled in my favor. I interviewed 3 attorneys, and hired one for a bit who advised me to "just pay the child support. She was the primary caregiver. You have no chance. You'll spend more money trying this case than you will paying the child support." I fired that man-hating lawyer, and found one who believed in me and my case.

I'm still coughing up half of my 401k, which she did absolutely NOTHING to contribute to. She was a drag on my career, not an aid - but, of course, that's not how the legal system can look at it.

She's trying to kick me out of the house, the one she left over 18 months ago. I would have given her the house to avoid going to court, but since she dragged me through the minefield of going to court to protect my rights as a father, I'm not moving out of my house without a fight. Besides, our son knows it as "Dad's house" and he deserves some stability in the first 4 years of his life.

I spend too much time on the Internet googling terms like "NAWALT" and "misandry." I get along fine with the women I know, but I hate "women" in the abstract. It's going to be hard for me to "unlearn" the trauma and pain that she (and half her family) put me through the past 18 months. I'm not going to teach my son to hate and distrust women, though, and I hope I find someone that can provide a positive female role model for him. The statistics on 2nd marriages are not encouraging to me, and I know my ex-wife will be determined to mess up my life as best she can. It's going to take a special woman to stand by my side through the worst that the ex can throw at us.

I found a good therapist, whom I'm really thankful for.

I realize now that I married someone I never really loved in the first place, but I didn't really know that at the time. I think we chide guys too much for "being afraid of commitment" and "having cold feet" which is what I wrote off all my feelings as. If you don't love the woman, don't marry her. I wish I had been mature enough at 26 years old to realize I had a right to my own feelings.

Messed up? You betcha.
 
2012-12-27 05:10:59 PM
Why does the common denominator to this thread appear to be the enlisted?
 
2012-12-27 05:13:20 PM

KiwDaWabbit: It bears repeating: shiatty people aren't gender specific.


This. You have to remember that bad behavior is bad behavior regardless of who commits it. You can't let something like a divorce turn you into a bitter man/woman hating person.

I decided that just because my ex wife was vile I wasn't going to let it color my views against all Woman. I've seen too many Men and Women who become bitter about everyone of the opposite sex after a bad divorce. I know there are plenty of good woman out there and dated one for a while after my divorce. I have had female friends for many years and see no reason become sexist just because of what I've been through.
 
2012-12-27 05:16:51 PM

Cyclonic Cooking Action: Why does the common denominator to this thread appear to be the enlisted?


They generally are compelled to make marry/not marry decisions much earlier in life than most people.
 
2012-12-27 05:24:00 PM
i.imgur.com
 
2012-12-27 05:35:13 PM

KiwDaWabbit: Cyclonic Cooking Action: Why does the common denominator to this thread appear to be the enlisted?

They generally are compelled to make marry/not marry decisions much earlier in life than most people.


Makes sense. I shacked up with my wife when she was 20 and I was 21 and then finally married her 15 years later. I think we are on our 18th or 19th year now, but like another poster said it's kind of like a phoenix. But then again, nothing is ever roses permanently.
 
2012-12-27 05:36:31 PM

OgreMagi: Rhino_man: True story, wife #2 had been pressuring me for about a year to be a farking polygamist because she didn't want to be alone at home while I was at work, and another wife would keep her company.

I fail to see the problem.


The problem is that monogamy is critical to my happiness in a relationship. That might be strange, but it's how I'm wired.
 
2012-12-27 05:38:23 PM

Cyclonic Cooking Action: Why does the common denominator to this thread appear to be the enlisted?


One part of the equation is that unmarried officers don't live in barracks like unmarried low level enlisted folks do. That seems to push a lot of the younger enlisted to marry..they get a little bit of a pay bump and can live off base, or in base family housing.
 
2012-12-27 05:38:25 PM

7th Son of a 7th Son: You wanna know why divorce is expensive?

Because it's f*cking worth it.


Amen, brothers and sisters. Amen.
 
2012-12-27 06:18:59 PM

Rhino_man: The problem is that monogamy is critical to my happiness in a relationship. That might be strange, but it's how I'm wired.


I'm the exact same way. My girlfriend said that I could go have sex with other women if I wanted to, which would probably automatically qualify her for the "best girlfriend ever" award for 99.9% of the male population. I suppose I was the one weirdo.

Unfortunately, a) I think she said this to help quell her guilt for completely misrepresenting herself to me to start the relationship, and b) I only ever wanted her. She, of course, had a major problem with that second one.
 
2012-12-27 06:38:21 PM
First off, thanks all for the advice, though still mulling over the points. The girl is smart, active, very beautiful(glasses, can't resist the glasses), but has low self-worth, which is why this guy latched on to her and has been able to continue to do so for so long. He is the POS that she is making the error with, and her next could be the one that so many of you re-married(and happy) farkers said was the one who got you. Seems kinda 50/50. I have time, so time will tell.

Second, mooseboots, what is the custody agreement, and did you get Grandpa in on the deal? My Grandpa was the guy who taught me cards and how to tell ribald jokes. Reading later in life was him, too. I remember him sitting in his chair(summer vacation) reading some novel or other, and emulating him.

/all his books had the Grandpa smell that was peaceful to me
//turned out to be a mix of "old library smell" and Old Spice
 
2012-12-27 07:11:32 PM

gingerjet: Just because you had a bitter painful experience with marriage and are now living with your parents doesn't mean its not right for others.


I'll bite.
Why get married? Sure, you do get some additional rights regarding healthcare of your spouse, and there are tax incentives, but that's about it.

Marriage doesn't make you love someone more, it doesn't make you "more committed" -- you either are those things, or you aren't, marriage isn't going to change that. It's a legal contract and nothing more.

Now as to why people don't get married: read up or talk to people about their nasty, drawn out divorces. Ask about how one partner financially ruins another. Ask how there were no warning signs, and how their spouse just went off the deep end after several years/decades of happy matrimony.
For example:

Harry_Seldon: This happened to a friend of mine. Got divorced, and paying for her kid from a previous marriage because it is in the child's best interest. He is absolutely, completely financially devastated. She is forcing him to pay for private school for their two children, and then the third from her previous marriage, plus support. Oh, I forgot, she is also remarried. She hauls him back to court every chance she gets. It is like a hobby for her. Awful woman.

 
2012-12-27 07:18:37 PM

badgerb: [i.imgur.com image 507x401]


You don't know how right you are on that one......
 
2012-12-27 07:25:23 PM

KiwDaWabbit: Rhino_man: The problem is that monogamy is critical to my happiness in a relationship. That might be strange, but it's how I'm wired.

I'm the exact same way. My girlfriend said that I could go have sex with other women if I wanted to, which would probably automatically qualify her for the "best girlfriend ever" award for 99.9% of the male population. I suppose I was the one weirdo.

Unfortunately, a) I think she said this to help quell her guilt for completely misrepresenting herself to me to start the relationship, and b) I only ever wanted her. She, of course, had a major problem with that second one.


This. A big farking THIS.
 
2012-12-27 07:32:50 PM
fredklein:

farking Poetry. I've been snipped & would've played this further....
 
2012-12-27 07:41:59 PM

buzzcut73: Cyclonic Cooking Action: Why does the common denominator to this thread appear to be the enlisted?

One part of the equation is that unmarried officers don't live in barracks like unmarried low level enlisted folks do. That seems to push a lot of the younger enlisted to marry..they get a little bit of a pay bump and can live off base, or in base family housing.


I was told when I was in uniform that it was a much better deal all around back in the day when you needed a sergeant's permission to get married. And from my personal experience I would have to agree - one of my duties for a few months was to play taxi for a few married privates who lived off base and had shiatty cars. I got to deal with the traffic of going through the front gate of Camp Lejuene four times a day at both rush hours - without getting any of the benefits such as a housing allowance or not living in a barracks. And since they were fellow Marines, I couldn't even in good conscience buddy-fark them over the gas money. I had to settle with forcing them to let me use their full kitchens on the weekends.


Trance354: First off, thanks all for the advice, though still mulling over the points. The girl is smart, active, very beautiful(glasses, can't resist the glasses), but has low self-worth, which is why this guy latched on to her and has been able to continue to do so for so long. He is the POS that she is making the error with, and her next could be the one that so many of you re-married(and happy) farkers said was the one who got you. Seems kinda 50/50. I have time, so time will tell.


The girl is definitely damaged goods. I won't go so far as the other farkers as to say run away screaming, but I will say be damn sure she's got her life together and stable by herself before you get into a relationship with her - otherwise it's just a ticking bomb. Sure, give her a helping hand if you can, but being somebodies lifejacket is no way to start off a relationship.
 
2012-12-27 09:01:55 PM

fredklein: fredklein:
There was a story here on Fark about a man who had a vasectomy, didn't tell his GF, and waited until things got really far along the 'I'm pregnamt, you're the daddy' trail until he revealed it. Funny as hell. Wish i could find it again.

OMG Found it!! Teh Google, it does something! Link, about 9 posts down.

Reproduced here for your reading pleasure:
thismomentinblackhistory [TotalFark]
I got a vasectomy.


Yadda, yadda, yadda

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

29 Nov 2011 08:41 AM


I remember this from that thread. Thank you for your Google-fu skills - it's a keeper for sure.
 
2012-12-27 09:13:14 PM

pciszek: dionosaur: So he tries to get out of the child support payments and the court says that because he let his name be put on the birth certificate, he is liable.

In some states, if a woman you are married to has a kid you are liable for support, end of story. Even if you had been deployed in Afghanistan when the kid was conceived and genetics prove that the kid could not possibly be yours.


I would consider prison, suicide, or murder to be better than paying a cheating whore for being a cheating whore.
 
2012-12-27 09:24:31 PM
Trance354:

We have joint custody, 50/50 shared parenting. We do alternating weeks. It's the only reality our son will ever know/remember, and I suppose that's a good thing.

Grandparents and other associated family members don't have guaranteed legal access to the children of a divorce - but my family and half of my wife's extended family accesses their time with our son via me.

I've been reminding myself this week that any of the Sandy Hook families, anyone who has lost a child to an illness, etc. - would happily have their child back 50% of the time.

I have to walk a tightrope, though. On the one hand, I want my son to love his mother, grow up with a normal relationship with her, etc. On the other hand, I don't want him to inherit some of her thinking about how to treat other people. How do I teach him to love and respect her, while rejecting her most destructive character traits?

Most of the time, I'm not even mad at her. I'm sorry for her. Going through life, going to war with virtually everyone - her maid of honor, her father, her father's family, her employers, our neighbors and neighborhood friends, etc. - it's really no way to live.
 
2012-12-27 09:59:08 PM
Myth # 8: It's not you, it's me.
 
2012-12-27 10:45:25 PM
Nice thread....I realize now that I don't have it so bad....as crappy as seems....
 
2012-12-27 11:55:07 PM
Reading this thread, I feel like Keanu as Johnny Mnemonic. I'm putting in my mouthguard and getting prepped for the "hit me".

I'm learning a lot here. It has been almost two years since my own divorce.

/ been over a year since the sole post-divorce girlfriend broke up with me
// we still work together to some extent so I get a front row seat, though not the way she intended.
/// she has turned her new boyfriend into a yoloswag douchebag. head like a hole,
//// I dodged a bullet, but didn't figure out why it was a bullet until just recently. That was very unsettling.
 
2012-12-28 12:18:11 AM

JesusJuice: I would consider prison, suicide, or murder to be better than paying a cheating whore for being a cheating whore.


A new opportunity for a new life ...
/although paying child support is probably preferable.
 
2012-12-28 12:34:03 AM

mllawso: JesusJuice: I would consider prison, suicide, or murder to be better than paying a cheating whore for being a cheating whore.

A new opportunity for a new life ...
/although paying child support is probably preferable.


You can only do that if you can get to France. If you're behind on child support, no passport for you.
 
2012-12-28 12:44:18 AM
I was, quite frankly, getting my ass kicked in my divorce trial.

My wife's scorched-earth attorney was blistering me on the stand.

And then, something happened. Something wonderful.

Her lawyer said some sort of legal gobbledygook, and the oh-so-patient judge corrected her gently...

To which she made a reply that I will remember to my last dying breath: "You obviously don't understand the legal statute in question here, your honor".

The entire courtroom, packed to the rafters for assembly-line divorce hearing Tuesday, let out a collective "whooooooa"...

What followed was the legal equivalent of the Drill Sergeant scene in Full Metal Jacket.

Trial quickly ended and I came away smiling and very, very financially intact.
 
2012-12-28 12:47:03 AM

KiwDaWabbit: Cyclonic Cooking Action: Why does the common denominator to this thread appear to be the enlisted?

They generally are compelled to make marry/not marry decisions much earlier in life than most people.


There are also a lot of insecure women who pray on them because they see them as an easy paycheck. I love my cousin dearly but she is one of them, major Daddy issues.

I think it's a factor is controlling relationships as well. My best friend almost married her high school idiot boyfriend at 18 because he would be "stable" with his navy job. I talked her out of it and thank god, he was a controlling moron that ended up cheating on her.
 
2012-12-28 12:59:26 AM

mllawso: JesusJuice: I would consider prison, suicide, or murder to be better than paying a cheating whore for being a cheating whore.

A new opportunity for a new life ...
/although paying child support is probably preferable.


Huh... I think I'd rather just reenlist in the Marine Corps... at least I speak the language.
 
2012-12-28 01:00:32 AM

RobDownSouth: I was, quite frankly, getting my ass kicked in my divorce trial.

My wife's scorched-earth attorney was blistering me on the stand.

And then, something happened. Something wonderful.

Her lawyer said some sort of legal gobbledygook, and the oh-so-patient judge corrected her gently...

To which she made a reply that I will remember to my last dying breath: "You obviously don't understand the legal statute in question here, your honor".

The entire courtroom, packed to the rafters for assembly-line divorce hearing Tuesday, let out a collective "whooooooa"...

What followed was the legal equivalent of the Drill SergeantINSTRUCTOR scene in Full Metal Jacket.

Trial quickly ended and I came away smiling and very, very financially intact.


/FTFY.
 
2012-12-28 01:28:23 AM
To summarize this thread...

All men are controlling, abusive arseholes.

All women are gold digging shrews.

Does that about cover it?
 
2012-12-28 01:37:28 AM

Genevieve Marie: And I wasn't even trying to imply that people who get cheated on are responsible for the fact that they got cheated on. I was just saying that reflecting back on the other parts of the relationship and trying to figure out what went wrong is a more productive way to move forward than clinging to bitter hatred of an ex.


"I wasn't even trying to imply that people who get raped are responsible for the fact that they got raped. I was just saying that reflecting back on the events leading up to it and trying to figure out what put them at greater risk is a more productive way to move forward than clinging to bitter hatred of a rapist."

If you have any sort of problem with people suggesting that women can and should take steps to avoid being raped, then you are a hypocrite. The logic behind your words is no different from the logic behind theirs.

/Blaming the victim - it's different when we do it!
 
2012-12-28 01:43:42 AM

Harry_Seldon: To summarize this thread...

All men are controlling, abusive arseholes.

All women are gold digging shrews.

Does that about cover it?


Maybe the third time will be the charm: shiatty people aren't gender specific.
 
2012-12-28 01:54:36 AM

DrExplosion: /Blaming the victim - it's different when we do it!


Dude, if you think being cheated on is in any way equivalent to being raped, you need to sort out your priorities. Finding out the person you love doesn't love you back sucks. But it's not in any way in the same league as being the victim of a violent crime and the comparison is quite frankly, pretty goddamned creepy.
 
2012-12-28 02:02:55 AM

Genevieve Marie: DrExplosion: /Blaming the victim - it's different when we do it!

Dude, if you think being cheated on is in any way equivalent to being raped, you need to sort out your priorities. Finding out the person you love doesn't love you back sucks. But it's not in any way in the same league as being the victim of a violent crime and the comparison is quite frankly, pretty goddamned creepy.


Maybe people shouldn't joke that is something people deserve if they go to jail or prison, either.
 
2012-12-28 02:04:26 AM

Harry_Seldon: Maybe people shouldn't joke that is something people deserve if they go to jail or prison, either.


You're preaching to the choir.
 
2012-12-28 02:20:22 AM

Genevieve Marie: DrExplosion: /Blaming the victim - it's different when we do it!

Dude, if you think being cheated on is in any way equivalent to being raped, you need to sort out your priorities. Finding out the person you love doesn't love you back sucks. But it's not in any way in the same league as being the victim of a violent crime and the comparison is quite frankly, pretty goddamned creepy.


They are both bad things done by bad people and have the ability to devastate the victim psychologically for years to come. One may be more severe than the other, but logic applies to both. If it's wrong to blame the victim of one bad thing, it's wrong to blame the victim of another bad thing.
 
2012-12-28 02:24:20 AM

DrExplosion: They are both bad things done by bad people and have the ability to devastate the victim psychologically for years to come. One may be more severe than the other, but logic applies to both. If it's wrong to blame the victim of one bad thing, it's wrong to blame the victim of another bad thing.


Except that everyone is entitled to be secure in their person and not have their body violated. That's a basic human right. No one  however, is entitled to someone else's love, fidelity, or body. That's something that's freely given and freely returned. And it sucks when one partner realizes they want out and exits the relationship in a hurtful way, but it isn't a criminal act.
 
2012-12-28 03:09:32 AM

Genevieve Marie: DrExplosion: They are both bad things done by bad people and have the ability to devastate the victim psychologically for years to come. One may be more severe than the other, but logic applies to both. If it's wrong to blame the victim of one bad thing, it's wrong to blame the victim of another bad thing.

Except that everyone is entitled to be secure in their person and not have their body violated. That's a basic human right. No one  however, is entitled to someone else's love, fidelity, or body. That's something that's freely given and freely returned. And it sucks when one partner realizes they want out and exits the relationship in a hurtful way, but it isn't a criminal act.


I'm not saying that rape isn't worse than cheating. I'm saying that's irrelevant. If it is wrong to blame the victim of one bad thing, it is wrong to blame the victim of another bad thing. Rape doesn't have special exemption from that logic.

Saying "If he had just been more attentive to his wife" is no different from saying "If she had just been more attentive to her surroundings." In either case, you're blaming the victim for the actions of a bad person.
 
2012-12-28 03:19:15 AM

mooseboots: Trance354:

We have joint custody, 50/50 shared parenting. We do alternating weeks. It's the only reality our son will ever know/remember, and I suppose that's a good thing.

Grandparents and other associated family members don't have guaranteed legal access to the children of a divorce - but my family and half of my wife's extended family accesses their time with our son via me.

I've been reminding myself this week that any of the Sandy Hook families, anyone who has lost a child to an illness, etc. - would happily have their child back 50% of the time.

I have to walk a tightrope, though. On the one hand, I want my son to love his mother, grow up with a normal relationship with her, etc. On the other hand, I don't want him to inherit some of her thinking about how to treat other people. How do I teach him to love and respect her, while rejecting her most destructive character traits?

Most of the time, I'm not even mad at her. I'm sorry for her. Going through life, going to war with virtually everyone - her maid of honor, her father, her father's family, her employers, our neighbors and neighborhood friends, etc. - it's really no way to live.


My best friend has been in exactly this situation for the last 12 years and he has handled it just perfectly, though it took him quite some time to figure it out. His daughter just turned 18 and is off to University now, and is one of the most amazing people I've ever met. Whenever I weep for the future of humanity I remember she will be running the planet when I'm old and senile and I feel much better. But I digress... According to him, there are two keys to what he's managed to pull off.

First, you must accept the fact that you have absolutely no control over the relationship with the mother or how she behaves. The only possible influence you might exert would be via manipulation of the child and that is the polar opposite of what you want so don't even think about it.

Second, you must be the role model for the attitudes and behaviors you want to instill and you must stick to them rigidly. It will be a hard road - when your child has two very different role models to choose from they will not always choose the right one at first, but you must have faith that they will come around. Most any kid with at least two brain cells to rub together will eventually come to the realization that Mom's life is a disaster because she does A, B, and C, while Dad does X, Y, and Z, and his life is sane and stable.
 
2012-12-28 03:38:56 AM

DrExplosion: Saying "If he had just been more attentive to his wife" is no different from saying "If she had just been more attentive to her surroundings." In either case, you're blaming the victim for the actions of a bad person.


See, and I don't necessarily believe that someone is a victim because their relationship ended badly. (Unless of course, the relationship crossed the line into abuse) Nor do I think that all people who cheat are simply bad people. I think it's a bit more complicated than that.
 
2012-12-28 03:48:59 AM

Genevieve Marie: And blaming someone for their own abuse would be a horrible thing to do, but infidelity is not always abuse. It can be part of a bigger pattern of emotional abuse, but it is not emotional abuse in and of itself. It's also not a crime.


...wow. I don't think I've ever heard someone claim with a straight face that cheating on someone that you're in a committed relationship with isn't emotionally abusive. I dare say you have a secret that you just can't find it in yourself to admit responsibility for. Methinks doth protest too much, and all that.

"It's also not a crime." Jesus Christ. Do you tell this to your dating prospects, that you don't see anything wrong with cheating on them?
 
2012-12-28 03:56:38 AM

Dokushin: I dare say you have a secret that you just can't find it in yourself to admit responsibility for. Methinks doth protest too much, and all that.


Nope. I've been cheated on once, but I've never cheated on anyone. I just also don't lose sight of the fact that being in a relationship with someone doesn't give me ownership over them. I'd be hurt if my partner cheated on me, but I also can't imagine taking it as the ultimate betrayal. I think more than anything, I'd want to know why he felt like he needed to.

The one time I got cheated on? That relationship had lingered on probably a year longer than it should have. Neither of us were happy, and we weren't particularly well suited to each other, but neither one of us wanted to be the one to end it. He got drunk with some friends while I was out of town and hooked up with someone he met at a bar and I found out about it. I was hurt, but also... I mean, we were not happy together. One of us should have had the guts to end it sooner, and it could have just as easily been me.

So yea, that's my perspective on it.
 
2012-12-28 04:13:25 AM

Genevieve Marie: Dokushin: I dare say you have a secret that you just can't find it in yourself to admit responsibility for. Methinks doth protest too much, and all that.

Nope. I've been cheated on once, but I've never cheated on anyone. I just also don't lose sight of the fact that being in a relationship with someone doesn't give me ownership over them. I'd be hurt if my partner cheated on me, but I also can't imagine taking it as the ultimate betrayal. I think more than anything, I'd want to know why he felt like he needed to.

The one time I got cheated on? That relationship had lingered on probably a year longer than it should have. Neither of us were happy, and we weren't particularly well suited to each other, but neither one of us wanted to be the one to end it. He got drunk with some friends while I was out of town and hooked up with someone he met at a bar and I found out about it. I was hurt, but also... I mean, we were not happy together. One of us should have had the guts to end it sooner, and it could have just as easily been me.

So yea, that's my perspective on it.


Well, props on a well-reasoned reply to a post that was more inflammatory than I intended.

I guess what I'm getting at is something doesn't have to be "ultimate betrayal" to be betrayal, right? When that guy cheated on you, he was lying to you. I have no problem with a partner saying something like, "I like you and want to stay in a relationship with you, but want to have sex with other people," even if it likely meant the end of the relationship. It's the dishonesty of preserving the illusion of monogamy for selfish benefit (at both ends, so to speak) that makes it immoral. The way you're "putting one over" on your partner, giving them a false world view, instead of simply communicating with them.

Maybe I'm overreacting. You're free to accept what you want, of course.
 
2012-12-28 04:21:32 AM

Dokushin: It's the dishonesty of preserving the illusion of monogamy for selfish benefit (at both ends, so to speak) that makes it immoral. The way you're "putting one over" on your partner, giving them a false world view, instead of simply communicating with them.


Oh, I definitely agree that it's a shiatty thing to do to someone. I just also think that more often than not, it's something that happens because something in the relationship is off to begin with, and that trying to identify the problems that lead up to the cheating is healthier than just calling that person a whore/asshole and never bothering to find out what was going on in their head. I mean, you can't fix the other person, and they'll bring whatever issues they have into their next relationship for some other person to deal with and they'll probably live their karma, but hopefully you can avoid bringing your own issues into your next relationship.

Does that make sense?
 
2012-12-28 04:56:02 AM

Genevieve Marie: Does that make sense?


Indeed. A pragmatic and even realistic view, I suppose, and I withdraw the complaint. I hope that in the future you do not have need for such pragmatism, nor I such indignance. :)
 
2012-12-28 06:08:36 AM

mllawso: JesusJuice: I would consider prison, suicide, or murder to be better than paying a cheating whore for being a cheating whore.

A new opportunity for a new life ...
/although paying child support is probably preferable.


CSB - I was engaged to a woman who wanted to get married NOW (even though I was still in college, and had agreed to once I graduated). Constant pressure to move the date up....and one day, she changed from trying to move the date to arguing all the time, then broke it off. Turns out, that was about the time her old boyfriend/fiancee had returned from diesel mechanic school, and called her up.

3 weeks later, she was engaged to HIM, 3 months later she was married. I didn't take it well. Grades at school took a nose dive, and I dropped out of school to 'join the French Foreign Legion'. (actually, it was the US Army, but same idea). Extreme reaction....but it helped me get my head together enough to finish school once I got out and move on.
 
2012-12-28 06:35:58 AM

KiwDaWabbit: Harry_Seldon: To summarize this thread...

All men are controlling, abusive arseholes.

All women are gold digging shrews.

Does that about cover it?

Maybe the third time will be the charm: shiatty people aren't gender specific.


Maybe not. It's not quite as simple as this one. "Everyone is a shiatty person"
 
2012-12-28 08:24:35 AM

Harry_Seldon: To summarize this thread...

A FEW All men are controlling, abusive arseholes.

ALMOST All women are gold digging shrews.

Does that about cover it?


FTFY
 
2012-12-28 08:28:40 AM

Genevieve Marie: DrExplosion: Saying "If he had just been more attentive to his wife" is no different from saying "If she had just been more attentive to her surroundings." In either case, you're blaming the victim for the actions of a bad person.

See, and I don't necessarily believe that someone is a victim because their relationship ended badly. (Unless of course, the relationship crossed the line into abuse) Nor do I think that all people who cheat are simply bad people. I think it's a bit more complicated than that.


I was with you right up until that little bolded bit. Sorry... but, YES, people who cheat are bad farking people. Full stop. End of line.
 
2012-12-28 08:36:03 AM

Genevieve Marie: I agree, and I don't think I expressed the point I was trying to make particularly well when I started posting.


Possibly, you made it sound rather banal and run-of-the-mill. Like a housefly buzzing in the kitchen. I think that strikes the wrong tone.

Genevieve Marie: I was just trying to point out that generally, it does take two people to create a toxic relationship, even when one person bears most of the responsibility, and that trying to figure out what went wrong should be a more involved process than just blaming everything on the other partner all of the time. And if you've been involved in multiple toxic relationships, than you probably have a few issues of your own to work through.


I don't really disagree with this in essence, but when it comes to willful acts (cheating is one of those), well, there's no one responsible for them save for the person who committed them.

As I was saying before, Cheating is an act that is really the culmination of an utter lack of respect for another human being. In a business relationship, it's considered good form to notify all affected parties when the nature of that relationship changes. And before anyone says "business relationships aren't personal relationships", I know, and it's part of my point. Business relationships often denote a certain lack of warmth and an impersonal nature, yet somehow manage a decorum that is more considerate than many romantic relationships- where cheating seems to be expected and apparently to some just part of the playing field.

Assuming you began the marriage with an honest slate- meaning the commitment and respect from both parties was genuine- then you might do well to ponder the vagaries of what you might have done to lose that esteem with your partner. But even if you come up with a laundry list of valid reasons for your fall from grace, the decision to react to that with infidelity was still your partner's, not yours.

No one forces another person to do something (short of an actual hostage situation or blackmail of some sort). Your actions and reactions are entirely your own.

I get testy with my wife sometimes. And arguably there are things she does sometimes which are less than respectful or graceful and could be fairly construed to be provocative of my ire. Raising my voice or yelling at her is still my call to make and no one else's. For my part, I happen to know I have a temper, and I'm mindful to keep it in check- even when given "just cause" to let it run free.

My own commitment to react reasonably and respectfully- even when provoked- is also my own. I've once been a "homewrecker" and was in turn cheated on in that same relationship (which ironically came full-circle). I was a dumb kid at the time, but I learned quick. I've never cheated on anyone and I never will. There's no provocation in the world that would ever make that compulsory from my standpoint, nor would it lift the responsibility for that action from my shoulders.

In fact, I resigned that I would never even be a party to cheating ever again. I've seen what it does to people. I've seen it used by people as a "quick and dirty" way to end a relationship. But any way you slice it, it's a rotten, deceitful, disrespectful and cowardly thing to do to another human being- and no amount of interpersonal grief you may have suffered at the hands of the other person justifies it or necessitates it.

My current wife sometimes asks me if we'll always be together, and I've always been careful never to answer in certainty. I've told her that I can't predict the future, and that's true. What I can commit to quite easily, and what I have told her is that- no matter what happens between us- if our relationship should ever change in that way, I will tell her.

It's the very least I could do for any human being- let alone one I've shared this much of my life with.
 
2012-12-28 08:44:01 AM

Trance354: Iceman_Cometh: Real Women Drink Akvavit: Luckily (in a strange way), my ex tried to kill me, so I didn't have to pay alimony. He was in prison. YAY!

I am known for my poor decisions when it comes to men, that's why I finally just took some time off and said "no more dating, die alone, you stupid, chubby biatch". Now I have my first date in years, coming up New Year's Eve. I am being very, very cautious with this one, and he knows it. When I asked him out today (yes, I got brave!) we had lunch together and talked for a couple hours. We're both pretty battered by our pasts, but we both gave it a rest for a long time, so he's being cautious as well. I think that's a good thing. I also think it's a good sign that once the ice was broken we were able to be so open and honest with each other. At least I hope it is a good sign, otherwise I'll lose faith in myself completely. I just started regaining it after years of solitude, so I really don't want to lose it again.

*fingers crossed*

Good Luck!

Ditto!
Currently watching the slow and painful breakup of a girl 2 doors down and her mentally abusive live-in bf. He doesn't work. He doesn't cook. I've seen the inside of their apartment, so I know he doesn't clean. She is 3 months pregnant, and that waste of a human being is the father. Apparently he can fark, because this is not his first, and the other kids never see him, so I have the feeling that when the newborn is crying all night, someone will bail and she will not seek alimony or child support due to his lack of employment.
On a side note, she has said she wants to be free of him, and has come right out and told me she'd love to date me, a "real man." Don't know what she's looking at, cause it isn't me, but I'm almost willing to go along just to keep the baby away from that POS. And yes, she is very attractive, a lot smarter than she gives herself credit for, and can do anything she puts her mind to do, but has low self-worth due to the mental abuse from the ...


My CSB time! Wai! It's like show and tell!

My USD0.02: Don't. Get a good psychiatrist for her, and friendzone yourself. Unless you´re trained for it, you´re in for a world of pain that ain`t yours and is gonna give you trouble. I was this close to making the worst mistake of my life (she has some very serious issues, has been battered, etc) but circumstances intervened and we turned into the best of friends, the kind of friends who sleep on the same bed and check on each other after wild nights. I helped her as much as I could and when the problems got too big for me, I called in the heavy artillery; an excellent doc who's got her on the right track after only 4 months of therapy, and who's helping her to get what she really wants out of life (She graduated with honors, PhD, and was so destroyed she really believed she would never get a job). This is my 2nd such story, the 1st turned out well although I did get involved when I shouldn't have and hurt her a bit; she met a friend of mine after we split and got her "perfect life" (man, kids, big house, PhD - yes, I like brainy girls - after I talked her out of her "i can't get into college" issues). She's doing a postdoc now, happy as a clam, and my former doc was the one who helped her achieve that degree of happiness.

TL;DR: Be there as a friend, get expert backup. It works, and it makes one feel tremendously good when you see her giving 'em hell.

/Savior/nurse complex? Active and running, sir! Just got that ironed out after a year of therapy. It may feel good, but it's also screwed up, so watch out.
//Married 10 years. That one didn't end well, sadly. Married for the wrong reasons, never doing it again.
 
2012-12-28 11:11:16 AM
My folks divorced when I was 3 (he was a drunk and Mom was massively type-A) so I never ever wanted to get married. Fell head over heels at 17 to a nice man I met at church at college. Didn't want to get married, absolutely no kids, would love to cohabitate forever with him. Nearly broke up because I didn't want to get married.

Seven years together he delicately put "the marriage question" to me again. I thought about it for two days and finally agreed. I'm very glad I did.

Four years married, and that bond actually is worth it. Now when we're pissed at each other, we know we'll still be together afterward. We just glare and laugh and say "We're stuck together, forever and ever and ever, until one of us DIES."

The baby making an appearance is a whole other story...
 
2012-12-28 12:34:01 PM

postnobills: mooseboots: Trance354:

We have joint custody, 50/50 shared parenting. We do alternating weeks. It's the only reality our son will ever know/remember, and I suppose that's a good thing.

Grandparents and other associated family members don't have guaranteed legal access to the children of a divorce - but my family and half of my wife's extended family accesses their time with our son via me.

I've been reminding myself this week that any of the Sandy Hook families, anyone who has lost a child to an illness, etc. - would happily have their child back 50% of the time.

I have to walk a tightrope, though. On the one hand, I want my son to love his mother, grow up with a normal relationship with her, etc. On the other hand, I don't want him to inherit some of her thinking about how to treat other people. How do I teach him to love and respect her, while rejecting her most destructive character traits?

Most of the time, I'm not even mad at her. I'm sorry for her. Going through life, going to war with virtually everyone - her maid of honor, her father, her father's family, her employers, our neighbors and neighborhood friends, etc. - it's really no way to live.

My best friend has been in exactly this situation for the last 12 years and he has handled it just perfectly, though it took him quite some time to figure it out. His daughter just turned 18 and is off to University now, and is one of the most amazing people I've ever met. Whenever I weep for the future of humanity I remember she will be running the planet when I'm old and senile and I feel much better. But I digress... According to him, there are two keys to what he's managed to pull off.

First, you must accept the fact that you have absolutely no control over the relationship with the mother or how she behaves. The only possible influence you might exert would be via manipulation of the child and that is the polar opposite of what you want so don't even think about it.

Second, you must be the role ...


This. It's incredibly hard to take the high road. It was difficult not to point out to my stepdaughters how their dad was using them as pawns, and how he really was a shiatheel sonofabiatch. But, hang in there, and keep going. My teens have figured out that their dad is a selfish loser, and barely want to spend any time with him. The youngest isn't there yet, but I'm hoping she'll work it out soon. It's very gratifying when they start to realize what you've sacrificed for them.

But, kids gotta come to that on their own. Good luck
 
2012-12-28 01:22:17 PM

KnowledgeJunkie: gingerjet: Hagenhatesyouall: Marriage stopped making sense a long time ago.

Just because you had a bitter painful experience with marriage and are now living with your parents doesn't mean its not right for others.

/gay
//can't get married in the state where I'm in

I'm sorry to hear you can't get married as you wish to, and of course it's wrong that it's that way, but there are legitimate reasons that marriage is becoming an outdated model of companionship.

One reason, for example, is that lifespans are radically different now (even compared to 100 years ago). People who get married now (as opposed to then) can expect to be together much, much longer- which could present all sorts of problems in a marriage that didn't exist back then (even psychologically- knowing you're going to have to put up with someone's little ticks or annoyances for a long time.)

Another way to think of it is that the state shouldn't really continue to use what was originally a religious ceremony to recognize companionship, as you should be able to have the fulfillment of living with someone you love without having to get an accomplishment slip from the government that gives you preferential treatment over people who haven't.

/Ever read or seen Freakonomics? This is kinda like the correlation that was found between the abillity to have abortions and the drop in violent crime rates- its possible they are connected because women who didn't want to have children, and therefore were less likely to raise healthy, mentally stable kids, were able to not have them.)


The problem with marriage is that people still think of it as a fairytale princess "it'll fix everything" instead of the legal contract it is. Marriage, like any other relationship, is work and breaking up after so many years of being together is tough, add kids into the mix and it's even worse.

Co-habitation is fine but depending on where you live it doesn't confer widows benefits, inheritance rights, and other legal rights like "spouse is in coma, should we cut the respirator?". This is why the gay rights community has been campaigning for the equal right to marriage.

IMHO, I do think that everyone should get a pre-nup before marriage that should be updated regularly when you acquire joint assets like a house.

/Love is delightful, but no matter what you should protect yourself
//Refused to marry my now-hubby unless he got a better job and took a personal finance course
 
2012-12-28 01:33:24 PM

dionosaur: log_jammin: ReapTheChaos: I've never heard of anyone paying child support for kids that weren't theirs unless they adopted them.

If you want to read some farked up stories about that, try google.

Long story short. even if you prove by a DNA test that the kid isn't yours, the judge can still make you pay if "it's in the child's best interest."

I know someone in that exact scenario. His girlfriend said the kid was his, put his name on the birth certificate, etc. A year later they broke up, he has been paying child support since then for about 5 years. Legally she was trying to get more money or deny him visitation or something like that, so a DNA test was done. He gets the results, which say that there is less than 5% chance that the kid is his. So he tries to get out of the child support payments and the court says that because he let his name be put on the birth certificate, he is liable. The only way he can get out of it is to find the real father, get him to agree to have his name put on an amended birth certificate and then have that filed with the court, so they can go after him for child support.

Why is there no penalty for women who pull this crap??? Seriously, it is so wrong!


It's Old English Law: "The Law Shall Make No Man A Bastard", of course, this was hundreds of years ago and pre-DNA testing.

The ramifications of DNA testing are still being worked out in the legal system. Some states give an "out" to cuckold Dads but it requires them severing all contact with the kid. There was a fark article about a guy in PA who still wanted visitation rights but didn't want to pay for the daughter he thought was his for 10 years. His ex-wife knew and carried on an affair with bio-dad for 10 years. The court case is still pending.
 
2012-12-28 01:38:59 PM

shortymac: The problem with marriage is that people still think of it as a fairytale princess "it'll fix everything" instead of the legal contract it is.


Yeah. While I have never been married myself, I always figured that if you had an existing problem going into a marriage, that problem is going to be compounded by some order of magnitude, not resolved.

I wish I could find a woman who has your same outlook on pre-nups. At the very end of my cohabitation with the ex, she wanted to move out and said she would refuse to move in with me again until we bought a place together. She didn't feel "safe", she said. And, really, it was with good reason. I own my house outright. Not the bank. Me. Now, it isn't all that great, but I still own it, and this posed an obvious problem with her security. I am so, so thankful that I didn't fall into the trap of eventually being locked down with her given the way things turned out. Sure, I took a pretty big hit overall financially because of her, but it's nothing in comparison to having everything that I worked for completely destroyed.

As she would say, "all you care about is money". Well, no, but it happens to be kind of important in our society. I can't just go to my electric company and tell them that I can't pay my bill but ask if they can please please let me have electricity for free since I'm a good-hearted person.
 
2012-12-28 02:30:49 PM

Trance354: Iceman_Cometh: Real Women Drink Akvavit: Luckily (in a strange way), my ex tried to kill me, so I didn't have to pay alimony. He was in prison. YAY!

I am known for my poor decisions when it comes to men, that's why I finally just took some time off and said "no more dating, die alone, you stupid, chubby biatch". Now I have my first date in years, coming up New Year's Eve. I am being very, very cautious with this one, and he knows it. When I asked him out today (yes, I got brave!) we had lunch together and talked for a couple hours. We're both pretty battered by our pasts, but we both gave it a rest for a long time, so he's being cautious as well. I think that's a good thing. I also think it's a good sign that once the ice was broken we were able to be so open and honest with each other. At least I hope it is a good sign, otherwise I'll lose faith in myself completely. I just started regaining it after years of solitude, so I really don't want to lose it again.

*fingers crossed*

Good Luck!

Ditto!
Currently watching the slow and painful breakup of a girl 2 doors down and her mentally abusive live-in bf. He doesn't work. He doesn't cook. I've seen the inside of their apartment, so I know he doesn't clean. She is 3 months pregnant, and that waste of a human being is the father. Apparently he can fark, because this is not his first, and the other kids never see him, so I have the feeling that when the newborn is crying all night, someone will bail and she will not seek alimony or child support due to his lack of employment.
On a side note, she has said she wants to be free of him, and has come right out and told me she'd love to date me, a "real man." Don't know what she's looking at, cause it isn't me, but I'm almost willing to go along just to keep the baby away from that POS. And yes, she is very attractive, a lot smarter than she gives herself credit for, and can do anything she puts her mind to do, but has low self-worth due to the mental abuse from the ...


DON'T TRY AND SAVE HER.

I have seen so many otherwise intelligent people waste years of their lives and screw themselves royally trying to "save" their partners. It is NOT worth it.

Give her advice and offer to help her get away from asshole, but do not get involved romantically.

People have to fix themselves, all you can do is offer advice and support, but the decision to change and grow is their's alone.
 
2012-12-28 03:25:17 PM

KiwDaWabbit: shortymac: The problem with marriage is that people still think of it as a fairytale princess "it'll fix everything" instead of the legal contract it is.

Yeah. While I have never been married myself, I always figured that if you had an existing problem going into a marriage, that problem is going to be compounded by some order of magnitude, not resolved.

I wish I could find a woman who has your same outlook on pre-nups. At the very end of my cohabitation with the ex, she wanted to move out and said she would refuse to move in with me again until we bought a place together. She didn't feel "safe", she said. And, really, it was with good reason. I own my house outright. Not the bank. Me. Now, it isn't all that great, but I still own it, and this posed an obvious problem with her security. I am so, so thankful that I didn't fall into the trap of eventually being locked down with her given the way things turned out. Sure, I took a pretty big hit overall financially because of her, but it's nothing in comparison to having everything that I worked for completely destroyed.

As she would say, "all you care about is money". Well, no, but it happens to be kind of important in our society. I can't just go to my electric company and tell them that I can't pay my bill but ask if they can please please let me have electricity for free since I'm a good-hearted person.


Thank you :). Despite my parents being very conservative they raised me to never rely on a man and never expect Prince Charming to suddenly appear and solve everything for me. I'm very much a tomboy.

Their relationship is horrible and now they're just roommates, they taught me how to NOT to handle a relationship. They dropped the bombshell that they only married because they got knocked up with me, which lead me to be very very anal about BC and not have sex for a long time.

I also saw my older cousin's (who is like a big sis to me) marriage to her military high school sweetheart crash and burn horribly. Then saw her jump from boyfriend to boyfriend and never advancing beyond her 19 year old self made decide to not get married young and wait until at least 25.

IMHO, make sure to get someone who is introspective and has good impulse control.

I swear 90% of human beings do not step back and think to themselves "What am I doing wrong?" or "Is this a good idea? Let's do the math." Critical Thinking is your friend.
 
2012-12-28 04:36:15 PM

all_things_shiny: hubiestubert: Divorce is ugly, but it's survivable.

Thank you for this whole post. I'm going through an amicable divorce right now, but I'm still depressed and scared to death about how to deal with the future.

It's hard to have a whole lot of confidence when your husband walks out ...


Hi. I'm an ass and total jerk. You can read some of my posts and find that out.

That being said, seems to me that you are blaming yourself. No wonder you are scared to death about the figure. Maybe he didn't walk out on you. How about you threw his farking ass out? There, that sounds better.
 
2012-12-28 05:28:33 PM
My ex-Btich was farking crazy. I'm not going to bore you with the details, just going to toss some keywords out there. Though she was a vampire .. wanted to trade our bed for his and her coffins.. like to dance around naked and howl a the moon with her friends. Well the last part was kind of interesting, but still crazy.

Here is how crazy she was, she thought her mother was the smartest person on the planet. Got her, instead of a lawyer to represent her. I, on the other hand, was smart enough to realize that I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed. I hired a lawyer.

She had all kinds of crazy shiat going on, on the internet too. I got printout of all that crazy shiat and handed to my lawyer who handed it to the judge. My lawyer then typed up a 10 page divorce degree all of it in legalize. Handed it to her to read. She and her mother just skimmed over it and signed it.

Basically it worked out like this. I got custody of everything, the kids, the house, the dog. and she had to pay me child support. Visiting rights worked out to be when ever I decided they where. All this because she was to lazy to read the divorce.

Never did see any child support though. She skipped the state and I've never heard from her again. Hired a PI to look for her once. He found her in a motel in Tupelo with some cult she hooked up with. No income. I figured it wouldn't be worth my time to sue her for child support when there is no chance I would ever see a dime.
 
2012-12-28 05:39:35 PM
Just out of sheer curiosity, did she show any signs that she might be headed toward "vampirism" before the marriage?
 
2012-12-28 06:01:50 PM

KiwDaWabbit: Just out of sheer curiosity, did she show any signs that she might be headed toward "vampirism" before the marriage?


No, actually before we married and for the next four years she was perfectly sane. In the forth year she got a little strange. I just figured it was because she was pregnant and let it slide. Strange, I can handle. Hell, I'm strange myself. The weird shiat started happening after our second child, and that Anne Rice movie came out.

Strange turned to, weird, then to crazy at warp speed.
 
2012-12-28 06:17:11 PM
This scares me a lot, especially considering anyone who would get with me is not 100% there to begin with.
 
2012-12-28 07:14:53 PM

lackadaisicalfreakshow: My folks divorced when I was 3 (he was a drunk and Mom was massively type-A) so I never ever wanted to get married. Fell head over heels at 17 to a nice man I met at church at college. Didn't want to get married, absolutely no kids, would love to cohabitate forever with him. Nearly broke up because I didn't want to get married.

Seven years together he delicately put "the marriage question" to me again. I thought about it for two days and finally agreed. I'm very glad I did.

Four years married, and that bond actually is worth it. Now when we're pissed at each other, we know we'll still be together afterward. We just glare and laugh and say "We're stuck together, forever and ever and ever, until one of us DIES."

The baby making an appearance is a whole other story...


If you both decide to have children, don't ever leave him because he will never leave you.
 
2012-12-28 07:34:56 PM
If you aren't mature enough to ask your partner for a pre-nup are you sure you're mature enough to marry?
 
2012-12-28 07:46:14 PM

LookForTheArrow: If you aren't mature enough to ask your partner for a pre-nup are you sure you're mature enough to marry?


If you have to ask your partner for a pre-nup then no, you're not mature enough to be getting married.
 
2012-12-28 08:42:58 PM

Acharne: LookForTheArrow: If you aren't mature enough to ask your partner for a pre-nup are you sure you're mature enough to marry?

If you have to ask your partner for a pre-nup then no, you're not mature enough to be getting married.


I strongly disagree. People change. There's no reason why the pre-nup can't be written to protect both parties. And the best part is, if everything stays fine, the pre-nup never sees the light of day. It's like a fire-extinguisher for relationships. You get it not because you expect to use it. You hope you never will. But you know you might have to, so it's there waiting just in case. If you're both mature thinking adults, you'll realize that a pre-nup can help both of you, and maybe even act to dissuade things from getting worse if you do go through a rough spot. If both parties are aware that they both will have some safeguards, one or the other might be less tempted to play vindictive games.

So again, I strongly disagree. Asking for a pre-nup is a sign of maturity and wisdom. Agreeing when your partner asks for one is as well. And if you're both mature enough to know it's a good idea, you have a good chance of being mature enough to never need to use it.
 
2012-12-28 08:51:14 PM

taurusowner: So again, I strongly disagree. Asking for a pre-nup is a sign of maturity and wisdom. Agreeing when your partner asks for one is as well. And if you're both mature enough to know it's a good idea, you have a good chance of being mature enough to never need to use it.


My thoughts exactly. Kind of like the old saying goes, "failing to plan is planning to fail".
 
2012-12-28 09:08:30 PM

LookForTheArrow: If you aren't mature enough to ask your partner for a pre-nup are you sure you're mature enough to marry?


'Pre-nups' are usually dismissable in family courts. 'Pre-nups' are a waste of time and money.
 
2012-12-28 09:15:00 PM

taurusowner: Acharne: LookForTheArrow: If you aren't mature enough to ask your partner for a pre-nup are you sure you're mature enough to marry?

If you have to ask your partner for a pre-nup then no, you're not mature enough to be getting married.

I strongly disagree. People change. There's no reason why the pre-nup can't be written to protect both parties. And the best part is, if everything stays fine, the pre-nup never sees the light of day. It's like a fire-extinguisher for relationships. You get it not because you expect to use it. You hope you never will. But you know you might have to, so it's there waiting just in case. If you're both mature thinking adults, you'll realize that a pre-nup can help both of you, and maybe even act to dissuade things from getting worse if you do go through a rough spot. If both parties are aware that they both will have some safeguards, one or the other might be less tempted to play vindictive games.

So again, I strongly disagree. Asking for a pre-nup is a sign of maturity and wisdom. Agreeing when your partner asks for one is as well. And if you're both mature enough to know it's a good idea, you have a good chance of being mature enough to never need to use it.


I get all those reasons... but.. to me... marriage is for life, a joining. There is no 'out' clause. Pre-nups are 'one foot out the door, forever'... and I think if one is considering one, one shouldn't be getting married.
 
2012-12-28 09:22:38 PM

Acharne: taurusowner: Acharne: LookForTheArrow: If you aren't mature enough to ask your partner for a pre-nup are you sure you're mature enough to marry?

If you have to ask your partner for a pre-nup then no, you're not mature enough to be getting married.

I strongly disagree. People change. There's no reason why the pre-nup can't be written to protect both parties. And the best part is, if everything stays fine, the pre-nup never sees the light of day. It's like a fire-extinguisher for relationships. You get it not because you expect to use it. You hope you never will. But you know you might have to, so it's there waiting just in case. If you're both mature thinking adults, you'll realize that a pre-nup can help both of you, and maybe even act to dissuade things from getting worse if you do go through a rough spot. If both parties are aware that they both will have some safeguards, one or the other might be less tempted to play vindictive games.

So again, I strongly disagree. Asking for a pre-nup is a sign of maturity and wisdom. Agreeing when your partner asks for one is as well. And if you're both mature enough to know it's a good idea, you have a good chance of being mature enough to never need to use it.

I get all those reasons... but.. to me... marriage is for life, a joining. There is no 'out' clause. Pre-nups are 'one foot out the door, forever'... and I think if one is considering one, one shouldn't be getting married.


I've gone for "forever" twice, buddy. You can't control what the other half of that forever pact is going to do... and - this time, at least - I wish I'd gotten a pre-nup. I pull in about 90k, she had no job. Those payments are going to be a biatch.
 
2012-12-28 09:53:43 PM
Tyranicle:

If you both decide to have children, don't ever leave him because he will never leave you.


That was a rockier road than the marriage thing. I won't go into how quite pro-choice I was and still am. But I got pregnant again and realized I couldn't do it again. So now we have a 14-month-old bundle of spiky hair and apple juice chasing after the cats. She wasn't planned, but she was chosen, is how I put it. We're happy. I'm sure life will throw us something to fark with us soon enough, but we're happy right now.
 
2012-12-28 10:47:58 PM

Rhino_man: Acharne: taurusowner: Acharne: LookForTheArrow: If you aren't mature enough to ask your partner for a pre-nup are you sure you're mature enough to marry?

If you have to ask your partner for a pre-nup then no, you're not mature enough to be getting married.

I strongly disagree. People change. There's no reason why the pre-nup can't be written to protect both parties. And the best part is, if everything stays fine, the pre-nup never sees the light of day. It's like a fire-extinguisher for relationships. You get it not because you expect to use it. You hope you never will. But you know you might have to, so it's there waiting just in case. If you're both mature thinking adults, you'll realize that a pre-nup can help both of you, and maybe even act to dissuade things from getting worse if you do go through a rough spot. If both parties are aware that they both will have some safeguards, one or the other might be less tempted to play vindictive games.

So again, I strongly disagree. Asking for a pre-nup is a sign of maturity and wisdom. Agreeing when your partner asks for one is as well. And if you're both mature enough to know it's a good idea, you have a good chance of being mature enough to never need to use it.

I get all those reasons... but.. to me... marriage is for life, a joining. There is no 'out' clause. Pre-nups are 'one foot out the door, forever'... and I think if one is considering one, one shouldn't be getting married.

I've gone for "forever" twice, buddy. You can't control what the other half of that forever pact is going to do... and - this time, at least - I wish I'd gotten a pre-nup. I pull in about 90k, she had no job. Those payments are going to be a biatch.


I get you... but... the same statement remains. I can choose not to marry someone because I deem them too immature as well, not just a personal assessment about how prepared I feel. I understand what you're saying, but I think if you have to choose between a pre-nup and not getting married. Don't get married. Be together, be in love, have children... but don't get married. This whole thread just re-enforces my belief that I'm not emotionally mature enough to be married, and I'm really glad I've turned down the proposals I have had. Marriage is terrifying, and it becomes a scar that never heals, whether it is emotional or financial. There are some really sad stories in here.
 
2012-12-28 11:04:40 PM
I'm glad you're happy. Please keep the father in her life to teach her values and to trust men and not hate them.
 
2012-12-29 12:30:11 AM

Acharne: LookForTheArrow: If you aren't mature enough to ask your partner for a pre-nup are you sure you're mature enough to marry?

If you have to ask your partner for a pre-nup then no, you're not mature enough to be getting married.


HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA!

Someday, sunshine, those blinders will come off and you'll get to see the world like grown-ups do. If you DON'T get a pre-nup you're not mature enough to get married and you're an idiot to boot.
 
2012-12-29 02:00:45 AM
Take care of yourself before you ever take another person into your life. Drama is for people that never got past high school.

As skunkwerks said not everything is perfect all the time. But it's up to you to not make a mountain out of a mole hill and realize that everyone (even yourself) needs to act like a princess sometimes.

Once you truly respect yourself, it's really really really a lot easier to tell people they are causing pain just for its own sake. It's still hard. You just don't feel guilty or discouraged for doing it.

I think it has something to do with growing up enough to tell assholes to fark off no matter how messy it might be. As proverbs says, better to cut off the arm than to sin with the hand.
 
2012-12-29 02:19:23 AM

Two16: Acharne: LookForTheArrow: If you aren't mature enough to ask your partner for a pre-nup are you sure you're mature enough to marry?

If you have to ask your partner for a pre-nup then no, you're not mature enough to be getting married.

HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA!

Someday, sunshine, those blinders will come off and you'll get to see the world like grown-ups do. If you DON'T get a pre-nup you're not mature enough to get married and you're an idiot to boot.


No need to be an ass, read my other posts. I fully acknowledge I'm not ready for marriage, I'd only be an idiot if I'd fallen into one I wasn't prepared for.
 
2012-12-29 04:48:22 PM
You are correct. I acted like an ass. I jumped the gun, posted impseulsively and was out of line. I apologise.
 
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