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(Deadspin)   So, what did we get stuck in our rectums in 2012? The year in review   (deadspin.com) divider line 84
    More: Strange, rectums  
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19577 clicks; posted to Main » on 26 Dec 2012 at 10:42 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2012-12-26 03:12:20 PM  
9 votes:
Couldn't the French bread have been expelled from the rectum naturally? Just give the man a mild laxative, and wait for him to pinch off a loaf.
2012-12-26 11:40:09 AM  
9 votes:

sandbar67: I had my colon removed from my rectum in 2012. Thanks for asking.


Now you only have a semicolon?
2012-12-26 10:54:55 AM  
7 votes:
IT WAS A MILLION TO ONE SHOT, DOC! MILLION TO ONE!
2012-12-26 11:01:27 AM  
6 votes:
Nothing will ever match the gentle majesty of Butt Lightyear.

www.geekologie.com
2012-12-26 01:04:33 PM  
5 votes:

BronyMedic: 911Jenny: But I'm looking at my bedpost and thinking there's no effing way, not in a million years, not with all the lube in the world.

Those women go slow. Take their time. They start small, like with a fist, and work their way up to a 1978 El Camino.


You just need enough lube...
images.cryhavok.org
2012-12-26 12:53:23 PM  
5 votes:

911Jenny: But I'm looking at my bedpost and thinking there's no effing way, not in a million years, not with all the lube in the world.


Those women go slow. Take their time. They start small, like with a fist, and work their way up to a 1978 El Camino.
2012-12-26 04:50:08 PM  
4 votes:

Great Janitor: He took a pencil on the table, shoved it up the loser's ass and broke it off.


I hope it was a number 2.
2012-12-26 10:43:31 AM  
4 votes:
It's always "the rectum", never "your rectum".
2012-12-26 03:22:18 PM  
3 votes:
It would almost be worth it to go to the ER with a Pat Buchanan or Newt Gingrich bobblehead doll stuck up your ass so when this article comes out one of the item on the list is a Pat Buchanan bobblehead doll.

/almost
2012-12-26 01:00:17 PM  
3 votes:
Some Politician had an idea in 2012

top10king.com
2012-12-26 12:27:31 PM  
3 votes:
i70.photobucket.com
2012-12-26 12:02:52 PM  
3 votes:

JasonOfOrillia: So I was going to go straight to rectum but got side-tracked by penis. Yeeesh.


This is one of those sentences that ends off being taken out of context...
2012-12-26 11:35:07 AM  
3 votes:
www.progarchives.com
2012-12-26 11:08:35 AM  
3 votes:

littlett's: BronyMedic: Suuuuure you did, buddy. And your pants just HAPPENED to be around your ankles at the time, right? I guess all that water-based lube made the floor extra slippery.

I use the lube to put on my leather pants.  I guess I must have grabbed the towel rack on the way down.


To be fair, an anally inserted towel rack which perforated out the other side of the abdomen was the first impaled object I had ever seen. Kid got startled by mom and fell back onto a tile floor.

Uncle Tractor: "FRENCH BREAD"

24.media.tumblr.com
2012-12-26 11:06:26 AM  
3 votes:

BronyMedic: Suuuuure you did, buddy. And your pants just HAPPENED to be around your ankles at the time, right? I guess all that water-based lube made the floor extra slippery.


I use the lube to put on my leather pants.  I guess I must have grabbed the towel rack on the way down.
2012-12-26 11:04:34 AM  
3 votes:

Fluorescent Testicle: Nothing will ever match the gentle majesty of Butt Lightyear.

[www.geekologie.com image 640x490]


To ass-sphinctery, and beyond!
2012-12-26 10:59:17 AM  
3 votes:
PROTIP: We Paramedics are going to laugh at you anyway afterwords. Just be honest about how it got there. We really don't care if you decided that a towel rack made a good dildo. Lying about it just makes us laugh harder.
2012-12-26 10:54:25 AM  
3 votes:

Bit'O'Gristle: Penis:
SPOON
PLASTIC ZIP TIE
FORKS
ORNAMENT
"PIECE OF TIMBER"
PEN
SODA CAN POP TOP


I can imagine a few of the bad puns in the ER for that one "And the pen is..."
2012-12-26 10:45:33 AM  
3 votes:
Penis:
SPOON
PLASTIC ZIP TIE
FORKS
ORNAMENT
"PIECE OF TIMBER"
PEN
SODA CAN POP TOP

NONONONONONONONONONONO....
2012-12-26 12:53:11 PM  
2 votes:
peasants_are_revolting: Ooo or this one: White 82YOM PLACED DRINKING GLASS IN RECTUM FOR SEXUAL PURPOSES AND GLASS BROKE. UNABLE TO REMOVE.

I'm guessing that the obituary will just say "natural causes".
2012-12-26 12:46:35 PM  
2 votes:
This is why you should always attached a string to everything....or so i'm told.
2012-12-26 12:31:09 PM  
2 votes:
12/19/2011 24 F Black 24 YOF C/O HER BOYFRIEND LOST A VIBRATOR IN HER RECTUM


Whilst spelunking?
2012-12-26 12:28:01 PM  
2 votes:
Define 'stuck'.
2012-12-26 11:46:54 AM  
2 votes:
yet, women still will not go to get all of that sand out.
2012-12-26 11:28:23 AM  
2 votes:

doczoidberg: That 12 year old must have one epic vagina....



3.bp.blogspot.com
2012-12-26 11:22:58 AM  
2 votes:
No pickle listed, I see.
2012-12-26 11:20:31 AM  
2 votes:
Reminds me of a certain modified wooden toilet roller.
2012-12-26 11:10:51 AM  
2 votes:

Muta: 911Jenny: A BEDPOST?!?!?

I can't even....

Check out motherless to see how it works.


I should clarify that I was investigating this issue purely for academic purposes.
2012-12-26 11:06:28 AM  
2 votes:

911Jenny: A BEDPOST?!?!?

I can't even....


Check out motherless to see how it works.
2012-12-26 11:05:55 AM  
2 votes:
I don't need to know.

I don't even want to know.

*click*

"FRENCH BREAD"

"LOOFA W/SUCTION CUP W/HOOK ATTACHED"

i560.photobucket.com

Wouldn't those immediately dry-stick to the insides of wherever? Besides getting them out, HTH did they get them in?
2012-12-26 11:02:59 AM  
2 votes:
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com
2012-12-26 11:00:36 AM  
2 votes:

Minarets: Bit'O'Gristle:

NONONONONONONONONONONO....

That's what got you instead of "PIECE OF TIMBER"? My god, just thinking about the splinters made me shiver.


Shiver me timber?
2012-12-26 11:00:02 AM  
2 votes:
Conspicuously missing from the 'rectum' list: Head.
2012-12-26 10:53:40 AM  
2 votes:
"STUCK TOY IN RECTUM AND BROKE OFF, SAW MOM INSERT TAMPON AND MIMICKED"

I'm sure that makes for awkward family gatherings. I don't know what's worse, the lack of boundaries that lead to the initial observation or the errant attempt to mimic.
2012-12-26 10:53:39 AM  
2 votes:
Now this is news!

/fap
/fap fap
/fap fap fap
2012-12-26 10:51:51 AM  
2 votes:
I swear dc. I was just there cleaning up my apartment while naked, and the cat got startled by the noise of the vacuum, started running all over the place, then next thing I knew...
2012-12-26 10:49:59 AM  
2 votes:
Pretty sure rectums it's "rectae"
2012-12-26 10:48:55 AM  
2 votes:

Bit'O'Gristle: Penis:
SPOON
PLASTIC ZIP TIE
FORKS
ORNAMENT
"PIECE OF TIMBER"
PEN
SODA CAN POP TOP

NONONONONONONONONONONO....


Forks?? With an 's' meaning more than one ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
2012-12-26 10:47:49 AM  
2 votes:

Bit'O'Gristle:

NONONONONONONONONONONO....


That's what got you instead of "PIECE OF TIMBER"? My god, just thinking about the splinters made me shiver.
2012-12-26 09:03:14 PM  
1 votes:
I...I...I...I'm still squirming.

Penis:
SPOON
PLASTIC ZIP TIE
FORKS
ORNAMENT
"PIECE OF TIMBER"
PEN
SODA CAN POP TOP
2012-12-26 05:39:49 PM  
1 votes:
Ass Pennies...

giveandgetnycdotnet.files.wordpress.com
2012-12-26 05:31:28 PM  
1 votes:
DRUM STICK

images.static.steveweissmusic.com

t0.gstatic.com

resound.typepad.com

Can we get a little clarification, here?
2012-12-26 05:07:23 PM  
1 votes:

Cork on Fork: Great Janitor: He took a pencil on the table, shoved it up the loser's ass and broke it off.

I hope it was a number 2.


I am sure it all worked itself out in the end.
2012-12-26 04:29:13 PM  
1 votes:

ZAZ: My favorite:

"12YOF GOING THROUGH MOM'S DRAWER, FOUND PENIS SHAPED 'PLEASURE ITEM,' EXPERIMENTING PUTTING IN HER VAGINA, COULDN'T GET OUT"


That must have been one small "pleasure item" to get lost in the hoo-ha of a 12 year old kid.

/not to mention getting over the ick factor of using mom's sex toy
2012-12-26 04:06:02 PM  
1 votes:

TheHappyCanadian: Uncle Tractor: 911Jenny: But I'm looking at my bedpost and thinking there's no effing way, not in a million years, not with all the lube in the world.

The question is whether your bedpost is wider than a newborn child.

/not sure I want to be in this thread anymore

I need an adult :(


...I suppose no but newborns aren't square.

Square peg, roundOMG why am I still pontificating on this?!?

I need a hug and a safe word for everyday life :(
2012-12-26 04:02:53 PM  
1 votes:

j.lunatic: "[W]e will just have to conclude that flared-base advice isn't given to patients by doctors-ER or otherwise-because doctors secretly enjoy digging various foreign objects out of the variable rectums of various gentlemen."

Dan Savage, Savage Love, December 14, 2012


Boy did I read that wrong.

blog.lagunaniguelcarwash.com
2012-12-26 03:09:20 PM  
1 votes:

j.lunatic: "[W]e will just have to conclude that flared-base advice isn't given to patients by doctors-ER or otherwise-because doctors secretly enjoy digging various foreign objects out of the variable rectums of various gentlemen."

Dan Savage, Savage Love, December 14, 2012


You know, if you go over to BadDragon.com (Totally NSFW), Flaired or Not-Flaired takes on a whole new meaning.
2012-12-26 02:07:41 PM  
1 votes:
When I was in high school a fight broke out between two guys. Both had long histories of fighting, bullying, suspensions, expulsions, etc... Both had been arrested at least once. So I watched as these two fought. I had seen many high school fights, but never between two people like this. This is like getting front row tickets to a pay per view wrestling match and witnessing the heavy weight title match. With zero tolerance it was great because both were going to be sent to the special school for problem students.

The fight ended as the winner picked up the loser and pulled down his pants and bent him over a table I wondered if there was going to be a victory rape. He took a pencil on the table, shoved it up the loser's ass and broke it off.

One left in hand cuffs in a police cruiser, the other in an ambulance.
2012-12-26 01:59:13 PM  
1 votes:

911Jenny: Zero children and a ginormous bedpost.


i1.kym-cdn.com
But only IF you give consent and your safety word is "stop".
2012-12-26 01:40:56 PM  
1 votes:

KaiZas: 12/19/2011 24 F Black 24 YOF C/O HER BOYFRIEND LOST A VIBRATOR IN HER RECTUM


Whilst spelunking?


Notice it says "a vibrator", not her vibrator.
2012-12-26 01:36:11 PM  
1 votes:

peasants_are_revolting: Guys, if you want some real laughs/shudders, go to the actual database. There are plenty of funny ones they missed, such as this one:

White 82YOM STUCK A PEPPERONI IN RECTUM WITH A PENCILFOREIGN BODY RECTUM


From 1987, the grandaddy of 'em all, the white plastic ping-pong ball and concrete enema mix.

I took a side detour to 2002, wherein a game of hide the salami went all pear-shaped. Or was it the other way around?

Then this guy in 2005 decides the guy from 1987 wasn't hardcore enough; he sees 1987's concrete enema dude and raises with epoxy resin, specifically "a liquid used as masonry adhesive for anal sexual gratification."

Thank you to whomever invented recommendation systems, for turning a little research into an hour of giggling, chortling, and jaw-dropping befuddlement.
2012-12-26 01:31:12 PM  
1 votes:

911Jenny: But I'm looking at my bedpost and thinking there's no effing way, not in a million years, not with all the lube in the world.


The question is whether your bedpost is wider than a newborn child.

/not sure I want to be in this thread anymore
2012-12-26 01:23:16 PM  
1 votes:
2012-12-26 01:21:03 PM  
1 votes:
Did this happen at a medium pace?
2012-12-26 12:38:53 PM  
1 votes:

peasants_are_revolting: A Terrible Human: peasants_are_revolting: Ooo or this one: White 82YOM PLACED DRINKING GLASS IN RECTUM FOR SEXUAL PURPOSES AND GLASS BROKE. UNABLE TO REMOVE.

I've already seen that video and it looked unpleasant to say the least.
/One guy,one jar.
//Scar your mind forever.

Yeah, someone made me watch it. Pretty horrific. Our take on it was that it was intentional though.


Wat

Why would that be intentional?

I'm kinky and all, but colon shredding seems rather extreme to be a regular masturbatory activity.
2012-12-26 12:13:45 PM  
1 votes:
content.bored.com

/hot
2012-12-26 12:12:56 PM  
1 votes:

gas giant: Bedknobs and broomsticks?


Childhood: ruined.
2012-12-26 11:56:00 AM  
1 votes:

LazarusLong42: sandbar67: I had my colon removed from my rectum in 2012. Thanks for asking.

Now you only have a semicolon?


i1247.photobucket.com

HAHA!
/Begins golf-clap.....
2012-12-26 11:53:48 AM  
1 votes:

doczoidberg: That 12 year old must have one epic vagina....


Maybe she put it in sideways.

//BRB; fapping
2012-12-26 11:46:01 AM  
1 votes:

911Jenny: A BEDPOST?!?!?

I can't even....


You really don't look at enough Internet porn.
2012-12-26 11:41:52 AM  
1 votes:

BronyMedic: PROTIP: We Paramedics are going to laugh at you anyway afterwords. Just be honest about how it got there. We really don't care if you decided that a towel rack made a good dildo. Lying about it just makes us laugh harder.


Bad story: Millions of years ago when I was an EMT, we drove to the house of these two chaps, one of whom had stuck a plunger to the floor of the tub and was taking the handle for a spin. His feet slipped and when his boy friend heard the screaming he ran in to find the other guy skewered. He died later at the hospital.

Funny story: One girl's story was that she was gardening naked, slipped, and landed on her cucumber....um.....bush. To her dismay, one of them managed slipped right up there and get stuck.
2012-12-26 11:39:47 AM  
1 votes:

Muta: 911Jenny: A BEDPOST?!?!?

I can't even....

Check out motherless to see how it works.


no way, Motherless is full of "incest" and poo
2012-12-26 11:36:42 AM  
1 votes:

Rembrant_Q_Einstein: gunsmack: Rembrant_Q_Einstein: I, for one, enjoy an occasional cigarette lighter in the rectum. The Bic ones, not the re-fillable ones.

Hell with that, Zippo or nothing.

Eh....they shoot out at unpredictable angles and tend to crack my bathroom mirrors once airborne!!


sure, but they make for great parlor tricks: grab the left nut, crank the honker 90 degrees to the left, ARMAGEDDON
2012-12-26 11:31:56 AM  
1 votes:
bestuff.com

Drum sticks? Plural?
2012-12-26 11:25:46 AM  
1 votes:
FRENCH BREAD

That's where I lost it.
2012-12-26 11:07:32 AM  
1 votes:

BronyMedic: PROTIP: We Paramedics are going to laugh at you anyway afterwords. Just be honest about how it got there. We really don't care if you decided that a towel rack made a good dildo. Lying about it just makes us laugh harder.


I'm not in the medical profession, but my parents are, and I'll never forget mum's story (with x-ray proof) about the guy who had an entire 2B pencil jammed up his dickhole into his bladder, lead first.

/And yes, he claimed that he "Slipped and landed on it."
//The laws of physics themselves must've facepalmed when he said that.
2012-12-26 11:04:26 AM  
1 votes:
I met an X-ray tech who said the weirdest thing he ever saw in a rectum was the entire Sunday Newspaper.

Also, the penis thing....It's called "sounding".
2012-12-26 11:04:01 AM  
1 votes:
Why on earth would you ever, ever let a child witness you putting in a tampon.......
2012-12-26 11:03:37 AM  
1 votes:
So, what did we get stuck in our rectums in 2012? The year rear in review

FTFY.
2012-12-26 11:01:54 AM  
1 votes:
EAR:
popcorn kernel (unpopped)

My grandson
2012-12-26 11:01:47 AM  
1 votes:
Throat:
MAXI PAD


i758.photobucket.com
2012-12-26 10:59:20 AM  
1 votes:
Bedknobs and broomsticks?
2012-12-26 10:55:04 AM  
1 votes:
Atheist anuses: "A Charlie Brown Christmas"
2012-12-26 10:54:46 AM  
1 votes:
wmbriggs.com
2012-12-26 10:54:30 AM  
1 votes:

CygnusDarius: maudibjr: Bit'O'Gristle: Penis:
SPOON
PLASTIC ZIP TIE
FORKS
ORNAMENT
"PIECE OF TIMBER"
PEN
SODA CAN POP TOP

NONONONONONONONONONONO....

Forks?? With an 's' meaning more than one ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I don't know, I don't want to know, and damn it does inserting anything in the penis is nothing but bad news.


The soda can pop top sounds way more painful.  Of course, that depends on how big the ornament was.
2012-12-26 10:54:26 AM  
1 votes:
Rectum:
FRENCH BREAD
HAND WRENCH
CIGARETTE LIGHTER
CRAYON
"STUCK TOY IN RECTUM AND BROKE OFF, SAW MOM INSERT TAMPON AND MIMICKED"
VIAL OF BATH SALTS
ARTIFICIAL CHRISTMAS TREE BRANCH
DRUM STICK
VINEGAR BOTTLE
LOTION BOTTLE
MOUTHWASH BOTTLE
SHAMPOO BOTTLE
BABY BOTTLE
"LOOFA W/SUCTION CUP W/HOOK ATTACHED"

WTF. Also rectum,damn near killed him!
2012-12-26 10:53:11 AM  
1 votes:
I had my colon removed from my rectum in 2012. Thanks for asking.
2012-12-26 10:52:44 AM  
1 votes:

maudibjr: Bit'O'Gristle: Penis:
SPOON
PLASTIC ZIP TIE
FORKS
ORNAMENT
"PIECE OF TIMBER"
PEN
SODA CAN POP TOP

NONONONONONONONONONONO....

Forks?? With an 's' meaning more than one ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?


I don't know, I don't want to know, and damn it does inserting anything in the penis is nothing but bad news.
2012-12-26 10:51:54 AM  
1 votes:

Generation_D: Vagina:

"PATIENT STATES SHE SLIPPED & FELL ONTO A TOY TRUCK WHILE CLEANING"


You can't honestly tell me that you have never had that happen.
2012-12-26 10:51:40 AM  
1 votes:
That 12 year old must have one epic vagina....
2012-12-26 10:49:41 AM  
1 votes:
Vagina:

SEWING NEEDLES
2012-12-26 10:49:18 AM  
1 votes:
A BEDPOST?!?!?

I can't even....
2012-12-26 10:46:53 AM  
1 votes:
2012-12-26 09:34:08 AM  
1 votes:
Vagina:

"PATIENT STATES SHE SLIPPED & FELL ONTO A TOY TRUCK WHILE CLEANING"
 
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