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(Deadspin)   So, what did we get stuck in our rectums in 2012? The year in review   (deadspin.com ) divider line
    More: Strange, rectums  
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19603 clicks; posted to Main » on 26 Dec 2012 at 10:42 AM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



210 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Archived thread
 
2012-12-26 09:34:08 AM  
Vagina:

"PATIENT STATES SHE SLIPPED & FELL ONTO A TOY TRUCK WHILE CLEANING"
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2012-12-26 09:55:27 AM  
My favorite:

"12YOF GOING THROUGH MOM'S DRAWER, FOUND PENIS SHAPED 'PLEASURE ITEM,' EXPERIMENTING PUTTING IN HER VAGINA, COULDN'T GET OUT"
 
2012-12-26 10:43:31 AM  
It's always "the rectum", never "your rectum".
 
2012-12-26 10:45:33 AM  
Penis:
SPOON
PLASTIC ZIP TIE
FORKS
ORNAMENT
"PIECE OF TIMBER"
PEN
SODA CAN POP TOP

NONONONONONONONONONONO....
 
2012-12-26 10:45:39 AM  
So I was going to go straight to rectum but got side-tracked by penis. Yeeesh.
 
2012-12-26 10:46:53 AM  
 
2012-12-26 10:47:04 AM  

ZAZ: My favorite:

"12YOF GOING THROUGH MOM'S DRAWER, FOUND PENIS SHAPED 'PLEASURE ITEM,' EXPERIMENTING PUTTING IN HER VAGINA, COULDN'T GET OUT"


/FAP FAP FAP
 
2012-12-26 10:47:16 AM  
"PATIENT STATES SHE SLIPPED & FELL ONTO A TOY TRUCK WHILE CLEANING"

rrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhtttttttttttttt
 
2012-12-26 10:47:49 AM  

Bit'O'Gristle:

NONONONONONONONONONONO....


That's what got you instead of "PIECE OF TIMBER"? My god, just thinking about the splinters made me shiver.
 
2012-12-26 10:47:49 AM  
Headline reminds me of those little infographics from The Onion.

/"Who Needs a Good Cock-Punching?"
 
2012-12-26 10:48:55 AM  

Bit'O'Gristle: Penis:
SPOON
PLASTIC ZIP TIE
FORKS
ORNAMENT
"PIECE OF TIMBER"
PEN
SODA CAN POP TOP

NONONONONONONONONONONO....


Forks?? With an 's' meaning more than one ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
 
2012-12-26 10:49:18 AM  
A BEDPOST?!?!?

I can't even....
 
2012-12-26 10:49:41 AM  
Vagina:

SEWING NEEDLES
 
2012-12-26 10:49:59 AM  
Pretty sure rectums it's "rectae"
 
2012-12-26 10:51:40 AM  
That 12 year old must have one epic vagina....
 
2012-12-26 10:51:51 AM  
I swear dc. I was just there cleaning up my apartment while naked, and the cat got startled by the noise of the vacuum, started running all over the place, then next thing I knew...
 
2012-12-26 10:51:54 AM  

Generation_D: Vagina:

"PATIENT STATES SHE SLIPPED & FELL ONTO A TOY TRUCK WHILE CLEANING"


You can't honestly tell me that you have never had that happen.
 
2012-12-26 10:52:44 AM  

maudibjr: Bit'O'Gristle: Penis:
SPOON
PLASTIC ZIP TIE
FORKS
ORNAMENT
"PIECE OF TIMBER"
PEN
SODA CAN POP TOP

NONONONONONONONONONONO....

Forks?? With an 's' meaning more than one ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?


I don't know, I don't want to know, and damn it does inserting anything in the penis is nothing but bad news.
 
2012-12-26 10:52:59 AM  
Errr.. Doc, not dc.
 
2012-12-26 10:53:11 AM  
I had my colon removed from my rectum in 2012. Thanks for asking.
 
2012-12-26 10:53:39 AM  
Now this is news!

/fap
/fap fap
/fap fap fap
 
2012-12-26 10:53:40 AM  
"STUCK TOY IN RECTUM AND BROKE OFF, SAW MOM INSERT TAMPON AND MIMICKED"

I'm sure that makes for awkward family gatherings. I don't know what's worse, the lack of boundaries that lead to the initial observation or the errant attempt to mimic.
 
2012-12-26 10:54:07 AM  
It's official. As a species we are too stupid to live.
 
2012-12-26 10:54:25 AM  

Bit'O'Gristle: Penis:
SPOON
PLASTIC ZIP TIE
FORKS
ORNAMENT
"PIECE OF TIMBER"
PEN
SODA CAN POP TOP


I can imagine a few of the bad puns in the ER for that one "And the pen is..."
 
2012-12-26 10:54:26 AM  
Rectum:
FRENCH BREAD
HAND WRENCH
CIGARETTE LIGHTER
CRAYON
"STUCK TOY IN RECTUM AND BROKE OFF, SAW MOM INSERT TAMPON AND MIMICKED"
VIAL OF BATH SALTS
ARTIFICIAL CHRISTMAS TREE BRANCH
DRUM STICK
VINEGAR BOTTLE
LOTION BOTTLE
MOUTHWASH BOTTLE
SHAMPOO BOTTLE
BABY BOTTLE
"LOOFA W/SUCTION CUP W/HOOK ATTACHED"

WTF. Also rectum,damn near killed him!
 
2012-12-26 10:54:30 AM  

CygnusDarius: maudibjr: Bit'O'Gristle: Penis:
SPOON
PLASTIC ZIP TIE
FORKS
ORNAMENT
"PIECE OF TIMBER"
PEN
SODA CAN POP TOP

NONONONONONONONONONONO....

Forks?? With an 's' meaning more than one ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I don't know, I don't want to know, and damn it does inserting anything in the penis is nothing but bad news.


The soda can pop top sounds way more painful.  Of course, that depends on how big the ornament was.
 
2012-12-26 10:54:46 AM  
wmbriggs.com
 
2012-12-26 10:54:55 AM  
IT WAS A MILLION TO ONE SHOT, DOC! MILLION TO ONE!
 
2012-12-26 10:55:04 AM  
Atheist anuses: "A Charlie Brown Christmas"
 
2012-12-26 10:56:27 AM  

rocinante721: Pretty sure rectums it's "rectae"


Recta. If the singular was already "recta" then it would be "rectae", but it isn't.
 
2012-12-26 10:58:35 AM  

ZAZ: My favorite:

"12YOF GOING THROUGH MOM'S DRAWER, FOUND PENIS SHAPED 'PLEASURE ITEM,' EXPERIMENTING PUTTING IN HER VAGINA, COULDN'T GET OUT"


That had to be the most awkward moment ever for a young girl that will last for a long time with her parents. Mom would be more understanding, however dad would be grossed out and will try not to think about it.

Still not as weird as the kid who mimicked 'mom inserting tampon' by breaking a toy in butt. Makes me wonder if the kid is a boy, which would be even weirder.

The needles in the vagina had to be someone in a bad mental place at the time. It is not possible to think that would be a good idea.
 
2012-12-26 10:58:46 AM  

Wasilla Hillbilly: [wmbriggs.com image 400x399]


why would you want an inverted rectum?

also, who know that pig rectums had bones?
 
2012-12-26 10:59:17 AM  
PROTIP: We Paramedics are going to laugh at you anyway afterwords. Just be honest about how it got there. We really don't care if you decided that a towel rack made a good dildo. Lying about it just makes us laugh harder.
 
2012-12-26 10:59:20 AM  
Bedknobs and broomsticks?
 
2012-12-26 11:00:02 AM  
Conspicuously missing from the 'rectum' list: Head.
 
2012-12-26 11:00:36 AM  

Minarets: Bit'O'Gristle:

NONONONONONONONONONONO....

That's what got you instead of "PIECE OF TIMBER"? My god, just thinking about the splinters made me shiver.


Shiver me timber?
 
2012-12-26 11:01:27 AM  
Nothing will ever match the gentle majesty of Butt Lightyear.

www.geekologie.com
 
2012-12-26 11:01:47 AM  
Throat:
MAXI PAD


i758.photobucket.com
 
2012-12-26 11:01:54 AM  
EAR:
popcorn kernel (unpopped)

My grandson
 
2012-12-26 11:01:55 AM  

BronyMedic: We really don't care if you decided that a towel rack made a good dildo. Lying about it just makes us laugh harder.


I slipped and fell.  How many times do I have to tell you that I slipped on the wet floor and the next thing I knew it was lodged in there.
 
2012-12-26 11:02:59 AM  
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com
 
2012-12-26 11:03:04 AM  

somedude210: Wasilla Hillbilly: why would you want an inverted rectum?


You have to invert them if you want to clean them right for eating. Atleast I would imagine that would be the purpose since people do eat chitterlings.
 
2012-12-26 11:03:05 AM  
I, for one, enjoy an occasional cigarette lighter in the rectum. The Bic ones, not the re-fillable ones.
 
2012-12-26 11:03:20 AM  

gas giant: Bedknobs and broomsticks?


No! I do NOT need a mental image of Angela Lansbury in connection with any of these "insertions", thank you very much!
 
2012-12-26 11:03:37 AM  
So, what did we get stuck in our rectums in 2012? The year rear in review

FTFY.
 
2012-12-26 11:03:44 AM  

littlett's: I slipped and fell.  How many times do I have to tell you that I slipped on the wet floor and the next thing I knew it was lodged in there.


Suuuuure you did, buddy. And your pants just HAPPENED to be around your ankles at the time, right? I guess all that water-based lube made the floor extra slippery.

shedrowconfessions.files.wordpress.com
 
2012-12-26 11:03:47 AM  
"LOOFA W/SUCTION CUP W/HOOK ATTACHED"

o.O
 
2012-12-26 11:04:01 AM  
Why on earth would you ever, ever let a child witness you putting in a tampon.......
 
2012-12-26 11:04:26 AM  
I met an X-ray tech who said the weirdest thing he ever saw in a rectum was the entire Sunday Newspaper.

Also, the penis thing....It's called "sounding".
 
2012-12-26 11:04:34 AM  

Fluorescent Testicle: Nothing will ever match the gentle majesty of Butt Lightyear.

[www.geekologie.com image 640x490]


To ass-sphinctery, and beyond!
 
2012-12-26 11:05:25 AM  
Makes me wonder how many of these people got butt plugs yesterday. Let's face it, if I had a friend who I knew had to go to the doctor to remove an object from his/her ass, their getting an anal toy from me just to save them another trip to the ER.

And how would anyone know? Someone had to drive them to the ER or at least pick them up. Of course, I am sure the bath salts wasn't there for pleasure but as a drug mule.
 
2012-12-26 11:05:55 AM  
I don't need to know.

I don't even want to know.

*click*

"FRENCH BREAD"

"LOOFA W/SUCTION CUP W/HOOK ATTACHED"

i560.photobucket.com

Wouldn't those immediately dry-stick to the insides of wherever? Besides getting them out, HTH did they get them in?
 
2012-12-26 11:05:55 AM  

Rembrant_Q_Einstein: I, for one, enjoy an occasional cigarette lighter in the rectum. The Bic ones, not the re-fillable ones.


Hell with that, Zippo or nothing.
 
2012-12-26 11:06:26 AM  

BronyMedic: Suuuuure you did, buddy. And your pants just HAPPENED to be around your ankles at the time, right? I guess all that water-based lube made the floor extra slippery.


I use the lube to put on my leather pants.  I guess I must have grabbed the towel rack on the way down.
 
2012-12-26 11:06:28 AM  

911Jenny: A BEDPOST?!?!?

I can't even....


Check out motherless to see how it works.
 
2012-12-26 11:06:50 AM  

cgraves67: "STUCK TOY IN RECTUM AND BROKE OFF, SAW MOM INSERT TAMPON AND MIMICKED"

I'm sure that makes for awkward family gatherings. I don't know what's worse, the lack of boundaries that lead to the initial observation or the errant attempt to mimic.


Once you become a mom, it becomes exponentially more difficult to go to the bathroom by yourself. (You'd think all home bathrooms have locks. You would be wrong. Also, they're not that hard to pick.)

Arkanaut: rocinante721: Pretty sure rectums it's "rectae"

Recta. If the singular was already "recta" then it would be "rectae", but it isn't.


Bears repeating.
 
2012-12-26 11:07:08 AM  
What sort of sex-crazed maniac sticks a hairspray can into her hoo-ha without thinking about what might happen to the cap?
 
2012-12-26 11:07:32 AM  

BronyMedic: PROTIP: We Paramedics are going to laugh at you anyway afterwords. Just be honest about how it got there. We really don't care if you decided that a towel rack made a good dildo. Lying about it just makes us laugh harder.


I'm not in the medical profession, but my parents are, and I'll never forget mum's story (with x-ray proof) about the guy who had an entire 2B pencil jammed up his dickhole into his bladder, lead first.

/And yes, he claimed that he "Slipped and landed on it."
//The laws of physics themselves must've facepalmed when he said that.
 
2012-12-26 11:08:35 AM  

littlett's: BronyMedic: Suuuuure you did, buddy. And your pants just HAPPENED to be around your ankles at the time, right? I guess all that water-based lube made the floor extra slippery.

I use the lube to put on my leather pants.  I guess I must have grabbed the towel rack on the way down.


To be fair, an anally inserted towel rack which perforated out the other side of the abdomen was the first impaled object I had ever seen. Kid got startled by mom and fell back onto a tile floor.

Uncle Tractor: "FRENCH BREAD"

24.media.tumblr.com
 
2012-12-26 11:10:00 AM  
Rembrant_Q_Einstein: I, for one, enjoy an occasional cigarette lighter in the rectum. The Bic ones, not the re-fillable ones.

Well obviously not a re-fillable one.
 
2012-12-26 11:10:20 AM  

gunsmack: Rembrant_Q_Einstein: I, for one, enjoy an occasional cigarette lighter in the rectum. The Bic ones, not the re-fillable ones.

Hell with that, Zippo or nothing.


Eh....they shoot out at unpredictable angles and tend to crack my bathroom mirrors once airborne!!
 
2012-12-26 11:10:46 AM  

Warrener: Bit'O'Gristle: Penis:
SPOON
PLASTIC ZIP TIE
FORKS
ORNAMENT
"PIECE OF TIMBER"
PEN
SODA CAN POP TOP

I can imagine a few of the bad puns in the ER for that one "And the pen is..."


Wanted to become part of the pen 15 club?
 
2012-12-26 11:10:51 AM  

Muta: 911Jenny: A BEDPOST?!?!?

I can't even....

Check out motherless to see how it works.


I should clarify that I was investigating this issue purely for academic purposes.
 
2012-12-26 11:11:59 AM  

BronyMedic: towel rack which perforated out the other side of the abdomen


OMG!!!   Ok that would have been very scary for the kid.  Bad enough getting caught by your mom, but WOW!
 
2012-12-26 11:17:21 AM  

Grave_Girl: cgraves67: "STUCK TOY IN RECTUM AND BROKE OFF, SAW MOM INSERT TAMPON AND MIMICKED"

I'm sure that makes for awkward family gatherings. I don't know what's worse, the lack of boundaries that lead to the initial observation or the errant attempt to mimic.

Once you become a mom, it becomes exponentially more difficult to go to the bathroom by yourself. (You'd think all home bathrooms have locks. You would be wrong. Also, they're not that hard to pick.)

Arkanaut: rocinante721: Pretty sure rectums it's "rectae"

Recta. If the singular was already "recta" then it would be "rectae", but it isn't.

Bears repeating.


I have a little one at home myself and I get that, but they reach a certain age then you teach them about privacy and boundaries.
 
2012-12-26 11:17:23 AM  

somedude210: Wasilla Hillbilly: [wmbriggs.com image 400x399]

why would you want an inverted rectum?

also, who know that pig rectums had bones?


Also, if the boxes are to be trusted, it ends the whole rectums/rectae debate.
 
2012-12-26 11:20:31 AM  
Reminds me of a certain modified wooden toilet roller.
 
2012-12-26 11:22:58 AM  
No pickle listed, I see.
 
2012-12-26 11:23:46 AM  

turbocucumber: Reminds me of a certain modified wooden toilet roller.


Wow. Just wow.
 
2012-12-26 11:25:46 AM  
FRENCH BREAD

That's where I lost it.
 
2012-12-26 11:28:08 AM  
No mention of Boeing dude letting horse use his backdoor.
 
2012-12-26 11:28:23 AM  

doczoidberg: That 12 year old must have one epic vagina....



3.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-12-26 11:31:56 AM  
bestuff.com

Drum sticks? Plural?
 
2012-12-26 11:31:58 AM  

give me doughnuts: IT WAS A MILLION TO ONE SHOT, DOC! MILLION TO ONE!


just as i was saying to myself someone better have posted the 'million to one shot doc' reference, i read your post.

i am happy now, ty :)
 
2012-12-26 11:32:59 AM  

ZAZ: My favorite:

"12YOF GOING THROUGH MOM'S DRAWER, FOUND PENIS SHAPED 'PLEASURE ITEM,' EXPERIMENTING PUTTING IN HER VAGINA, COULDN'T GET OUT"


25 years later and it would have fallen out when she stood up.

/That's got to be one fantastic family story to be handed down by the generations.
 
2012-12-26 11:35:07 AM  
www.progarchives.com
 
2012-12-26 11:36:42 AM  

Rembrant_Q_Einstein: gunsmack: Rembrant_Q_Einstein: I, for one, enjoy an occasional cigarette lighter in the rectum. The Bic ones, not the re-fillable ones.

Hell with that, Zippo or nothing.

Eh....they shoot out at unpredictable angles and tend to crack my bathroom mirrors once airborne!!


sure, but they make for great parlor tricks: grab the left nut, crank the honker 90 degrees to the left, ARMAGEDDON
 
2012-12-26 11:39:47 AM  

Muta: 911Jenny: A BEDPOST?!?!?

I can't even....

Check out motherless to see how it works.


no way, Motherless is full of "incest" and poo
 
2012-12-26 11:40:09 AM  

sandbar67: I had my colon removed from my rectum in 2012. Thanks for asking.


Now you only have a semicolon?
 
2012-12-26 11:41:15 AM  

BronyMedic: littlett's: I slipped and fell.  How many times do I have to tell you that I slipped on the wet floor and the next thing I knew it was lodged in there.

Suuuuure you did, buddy. And your pants just HAPPENED to be around your ankles at the time, right? I guess all that water-based lube made the floor extra slippery.

[shedrowconfessions.files.wordpress.com image 225x224]


What you don't do your house cleaning in the nude?
 
2012-12-26 11:41:52 AM  

BronyMedic: PROTIP: We Paramedics are going to laugh at you anyway afterwords. Just be honest about how it got there. We really don't care if you decided that a towel rack made a good dildo. Lying about it just makes us laugh harder.


Bad story: Millions of years ago when I was an EMT, we drove to the house of these two chaps, one of whom had stuck a plunger to the floor of the tub and was taking the handle for a spin. His feet slipped and when his boy friend heard the screaming he ran in to find the other guy skewered. He died later at the hospital.

Funny story: One girl's story was that she was gardening naked, slipped, and landed on her cucumber....um.....bush. To her dismay, one of them managed slipped right up there and get stuck.
 
2012-12-26 11:46:01 AM  

911Jenny: A BEDPOST?!?!?

I can't even....


You really don't look at enough Internet porn.
 
2012-12-26 11:46:25 AM  

cgraves67: Grave_Girl: cgraves67: "STUCK TOY IN RECTUM AND BROKE OFF, SAW MOM INSERT TAMPON AND MIMICKED"

I'm sure that makes for awkward family gatherings. I don't know what's worse, the lack of boundaries that lead to the initial observation or the errant attempt to mimic.

Once you become a mom, it becomes exponentially more difficult to go to the bathroom by yourself. (You'd think all home bathrooms have locks. You would be wrong. Also, they're not that hard to pick.)

Arkanaut: rocinante721: Pretty sure rectums it's "rectae"

Recta. If the singular was already "recta" then it would be "rectae", but it isn't.

Bears repeating.

I have a little one at home myself and I get that, but they reach a certain age then you teach them about privacy and boundaries.


Offhand I am going to guess that the time they understand boundaries at least roughly coincides with the time they're smart enough not to put things up their butt 'cause they see Mom inserting a tampon. Perhaps I am naive, but I can only imagine a toddler doing something like that. (I do have a hard time imagining it at all, to be honest.)
 
2012-12-26 11:46:54 AM  
yet, women still will not go to get all of that sand out.
 
2012-12-26 11:47:15 AM  
Throat:
LEMON SEED
MAXI PAD

did your dentist run out of gauze?

/ew gross!
 
2012-12-26 11:53:48 AM  

doczoidberg: That 12 year old must have one epic vagina....


Maybe she put it in sideways.

//BRB; fapping
 
2012-12-26 11:54:04 AM  

muzzrphochr: Throat:
LEMON SEED
MAXI PAD

did your dentist run out of gauze?

/ew gross!


as someone who recently had all four wisdom teeth out, I can see using a maxipad to stem the bleeding as a last resort. I keep several in my first aid kit for puncture wounds. keeps your hand clean while pressing down on it, and soaks up a lot of blood
 
2012-12-26 11:54:56 AM  

Wasilla Hillbilly: [wmbriggs.com image 400x399]


Damn, only half of my recipe for hotdogs arrived. What to do with it???...
 
2012-12-26 11:56:00 AM  

LazarusLong42: sandbar67: I had my colon removed from my rectum in 2012. Thanks for asking.

Now you only have a semicolon?


i1247.photobucket.com

HAHA!
/Begins golf-clap.....
 
2012-12-26 12:02:52 PM  

JasonOfOrillia: So I was going to go straight to rectum but got side-tracked by penis. Yeeesh.


This is one of those sentences that ends off being taken out of context...
 
2012-12-26 12:03:46 PM  

Grave_Girl: cgraves67: Grave_Girl: cgraves67: "STUCK TOY IN RECTUM AND BROKE OFF, SAW MOM INSERT TAMPON AND MIMICKED"

I'm sure that makes for awkward family gatherings. I don't know what's worse, the lack of boundaries that lead to the initial observation or the errant attempt to mimic.

Once you become a mom, it becomes exponentially more difficult to go to the bathroom by yourself. (You'd think all home bathrooms have locks. You would be wrong. Also, they're not that hard to pick.)

Arkanaut: rocinante721: Pretty sure rectums it's "rectae"

Recta. If the singular was already "recta" then it would be "rectae", but it isn't.

Bears repeating.

I have a little one at home myself and I get that, but they reach a certain age then you teach them about privacy and boundaries.

Offhand I am going to guess that the time they understand boundaries at least roughly coincides with the time they're smart enough not to put things up their butt 'cause they see Mom inserting a tampon. Perhaps I am naive, but I can only imagine a toddler doing something like that. (I do have a hard time imagining it at all, to be honest.)


I guess toilet training age would be it. They can reach their butts well enough to wipe by that point and maybe mommy was doing some toilet demonstrating while she was on her period.

Maybe it's my particular cultural biases, but I don't think a kid older than that should be observing their parents' bathroom habits. I could notionally imagine a kid up to the age of 10 sticking things in their butts if they have a fascination with feces or something.
 
2012-12-26 12:09:48 PM  

give me doughnuts: gas giant: Bedknobs and broomsticks?

No! I do NOT need a mental image of Angela Lansbury in connection with any of these "insertions", thank you very much!


Anything and everything a chap can unload...
 
2012-12-26 12:12:56 PM  

gas giant: Bedknobs and broomsticks?


Childhood: ruined.
 
2012-12-26 12:13:45 PM  
content.bored.com

/hot
 
2012-12-26 12:22:29 PM  
Guys, if you want some real laughs/shudders, go to the actual database. There are plenty of funny ones they missed, such as this one:

White 82YOM STUCK A PEPPERONI IN RECTUM WITH A PENCILFOREIGN BODY RECTUM
 
2012-12-26 12:23:41 PM  
Ooo or this one: White 82YOM PLACED DRINKING GLASS IN RECTUM FOR SEXUAL PURPOSES AND GLASS BROKE. UNABLE TO REMOVE.
 
2012-12-26 12:24:57 PM  

TheHappyCanadian: Muta: 911Jenny: A BEDPOST?!?!?

I can't even....

Check out motherless to see how it works.

no way, Motherless is full of "incest" and poo


Ooo. Good lookin' out. I mean I understand how it happens as far as Tab A inserts into Slot B....

But I'm looking at my bedpost and thinking there's no effing way, not in a million years, not with all the lube in the world.
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2012-12-26 12:25:44 PM  
swahnhennessy: What sort of...

At least one of those tricks was done on a dare. If you were drunk and trying to impress your friends wouldn't you?
 
2012-12-26 12:27:31 PM  
i70.photobucket.com
 
2012-12-26 12:28:01 PM  
Define 'stuck'.
 
2012-12-26 12:28:12 PM  

peasants_are_revolting: Ooo or this one: White 82YOM PLACED DRINKING GLASS IN RECTUM FOR SEXUAL PURPOSES AND GLASS BROKE. UNABLE TO REMOVE.


There is a highly instructional video that warns against the dangers of using glass objects as sexual toys. Perhaps you might research it. I couldn't watch very far, though.
 
2012-12-26 12:31:09 PM  
12/19/2011 24 F Black 24 YOF C/O HER BOYFRIEND LOST A VIBRATOR IN HER RECTUM


Whilst spelunking?
 
2012-12-26 12:31:19 PM  

peasants_are_revolting: Ooo or this one: White 82YOM PLACED DRINKING GLASS IN RECTUM FOR SEXUAL PURPOSES AND GLASS BROKE. UNABLE TO REMOVE.


I've already seen that video and it looked unpleasant to say the least.
/One guy,one jar.
//Scar your mind forever.
 
2012-12-26 12:32:20 PM  
Fluorescent Testicle: I'm not in the medical profession, but my parents are, and I'll never forget mum's story (with x-ray proof) about the guy who had an entire 2B pencil jammed up his dickhole into his bladder, lead first.

/And yes, he claimed that he "Slipped and landed on it."
//The laws of physics themselves must've facepalmed when he said that.

At least it was a 2B and not a 2H. Much softer on the tender linings of your penis. Clearly he was an artistically knowledgeable sexual deviant. Not that i would know anything about being one of those.
 
2012-12-26 12:32:26 PM  

A Terrible Human: peasants_are_revolting: Ooo or this one: White 82YOM PLACED DRINKING GLASS IN RECTUM FOR SEXUAL PURPOSES AND GLASS BROKE. UNABLE TO REMOVE.

I've already seen that video and it looked unpleasant to say the least.
/One guy,one jar.
//Scar your mind forever.


Yeah, someone made me watch it. Pretty horrific. Our take on it was that it was intentional though.
 
2012-12-26 12:37:19 PM  

peasants_are_revolting: Yeah, someone made me watch it. Pretty horrific. Our take on it was that it was intentional though.

There is no reaction image big enough for the horror of that.
 
2012-12-26 12:37:48 PM  

My BRAND!: Fluorescent Testicle: I'm not in the medical profession, but my parents are, and I'll never forget mum's story (with x-ray proof) about the guy who had an entire 2B pencil jammed up his dickhole into his bladder, lead first.

/And yes, he claimed that he "Slipped and landed on it."
//The laws of physics themselves must've facepalmed when he said that.

At least it was a 2B and not a 2H. Much softer on the tender linings of your penis. Clearly he was an artistically knowledgeable sexual deviant. Not that i would know anything about being one of those.


As someone who has had medical devices inserted and retracted through my urethra due to kidney stones (owowowowowow BTW).....

how the hell can anyone "enjoy" doing that?

/Hurt like a SOB to pee for quite a while after
 
2012-12-26 12:38:53 PM  

peasants_are_revolting: A Terrible Human: peasants_are_revolting: Ooo or this one: White 82YOM PLACED DRINKING GLASS IN RECTUM FOR SEXUAL PURPOSES AND GLASS BROKE. UNABLE TO REMOVE.

I've already seen that video and it looked unpleasant to say the least.
/One guy,one jar.
//Scar your mind forever.

Yeah, someone made me watch it. Pretty horrific. Our take on it was that it was intentional though.


Wat

Why would that be intentional?

I'm kinky and all, but colon shredding seems rather extreme to be a regular masturbatory activity.
 
2012-12-26 12:43:10 PM  

darth_badger: [www.progarchives.com image 500x500]


It took me a minute to figure that one out. Well played.
 
2012-12-26 12:46:35 PM  
This is why you should always attached a string to everything....or so i'm told.
 
2012-12-26 12:48:24 PM  

G.I.R.B.: My BRAND!: Fluorescent Testicle: I'm not in the medical profession, but my parents are, and I'll never forget mum's story (with x-ray proof) about the guy who had an entire 2B pencil jammed up his dickhole into his bladder, lead first.

/And yes, he claimed that he "Slipped and landed on it."
//The laws of physics themselves must've facepalmed when he said that.

At least it was a 2B and not a 2H. Much softer on the tender linings of your penis. Clearly he was an artistically knowledgeable sexual deviant. Not that i would know anything about being one of those.

As someone who has had medical devices inserted and retracted through my urethra due to kidney stones (owowowowowow BTW).....

how the hell can anyone "enjoy" doing that?

/Hurt like a SOB to pee for quite a while after


Does Rule 34 apply here?
 
2012-12-26 12:48:44 PM  
Bit'O'Gristle:
Penis:
SPOON
PLASTIC ZIP TIE
FORKS
ORNAMENT
"PIECE OF TIMBER"
PEN
SODA CAN POP TOP

NONONONONONONONONONONO....


Oh, like "piece of timber" and "forks" didn't disturb you?

"Oh well, sticking splintery wood and large eating utensils up your teensy weensy dick hole is one thing... but pop tops? My god man! This is madness!"
 
Slu
2012-12-26 12:48:54 PM  
My buddy was an ER doctor for a while. He said people come in with stuff stuck in thier asses a couple times a month. And 99% of them just claim to have general stomach or abdominal pain until he slaps up the X-ray and asks them if they think the matchbox car or light bulb in their ass might be the problem. Then he gets the cleaning naked story.
 
2012-12-26 12:51:22 PM  

ZAZ: My favorite:

"12YOF GOING THROUGH MOM'S DRAWER, FOUND PENIS SHAPED 'PLEASURE ITEM,' EXPERIMENTING PUTTING IN HER VAGINA, COULDN'T GET OUT"


Wasn't that a movie with Pia Zadora?
 
2012-12-26 12:53:11 PM  
peasants_are_revolting: Ooo or this one: White 82YOM PLACED DRINKING GLASS IN RECTUM FOR SEXUAL PURPOSES AND GLASS BROKE. UNABLE TO REMOVE.

I'm guessing that the obituary will just say "natural causes".
 
2012-12-26 12:53:23 PM  

911Jenny: But I'm looking at my bedpost and thinking there's no effing way, not in a million years, not with all the lube in the world.


Those women go slow. Take their time. They start small, like with a fist, and work their way up to a 1978 El Camino.
 
2012-12-26 12:55:28 PM  

911Jenny: TheHappyCanadian: Muta: 911Jenny: A BEDPOST?!?!?

I can't even....

Check out motherless to see how it works.

no way, Motherless is full of "incest" and poo

Ooo. Good lookin' out. I mean I understand how it happens as far as Tab A inserts into Slot B....

But I'm looking at my bedpost and thinking there's no effing way, not in a million years, not with all the lube in the world.


Depends on the bedpost and how many children you've had.
 
2012-12-26 12:56:09 PM  

BronyMedic: 911Jenny: But I'm looking at my bedpost and thinking there's no effing way, not in a million years, not with all the lube in the world.

Those women go slow. Take their time. They start small, like with a fist, and work their way up to a 1978 El Camino.


I see you've discovered The Amazing Ty.
 
2012-12-26 12:56:52 PM  
Zero children and a ginormous bedpost.
 
2012-12-26 01:00:17 PM  
Some Politician had an idea in 2012

top10king.com
 
2012-12-26 01:01:48 PM  

Brick-House: Some Politician had an idea in 2012

[top10king.com image 400x385]


I thought they called that the "Uncle Fester."
 
2012-12-26 01:03:43 PM  
Only use sex toys that have a set of balls or some other "safety stop" on the aft end.
 
2012-12-26 01:04:33 PM  

BronyMedic: 911Jenny: But I'm looking at my bedpost and thinking there's no effing way, not in a million years, not with all the lube in the world.

Those women go slow. Take their time. They start small, like with a fist, and work their way up to a 1978 El Camino.


You just need enough lube...
images.cryhavok.org
 
2012-12-26 01:06:46 PM  
Here is the thing, we do they even give a BS story of "I was in the shower with my toy firetruck and I slipped" story in the first place. Why bother giving a reason? Just say "hey doc there is a toy firetruck up my bum and I need to have it removed." Why not give no story and just say what the problem is.
 
2012-12-26 01:09:19 PM  

MythDragon: You just need enough lube...


I'd forgotten about that pic. Well played!
 
2012-12-26 01:09:49 PM  
ARTIFICIAL CHRISTMAS TREE BRANCH

t2.gstatic.com

that's why you have to insert pointy side first. Otherwise when you go to pull it out, the needles spread and function much like a rock-climbing cam.


...at least that's what I've heard....
 
2012-12-26 01:11:51 PM  
Came for Lemmiwinks. Am dissapoint.
 
2012-12-26 01:15:35 PM  

Arkanaut: It's always "the rectum", never "your rectum".


Bazinga
 
2012-12-26 01:20:00 PM  

Wasilla Hillbilly: [wmbriggs.com image 400x399]



forget former post, what's with the "Boneless" label?

is there a bone-in brand ... nonononononono .......
 
2012-12-26 01:21:03 PM  
Did this happen at a medium pace?
 
2012-12-26 01:23:16 PM  
 
2012-12-26 01:24:38 PM  

3.bp.blogspot.com
"It was a million-to-one shot, Doc!"

 
2012-12-26 01:25:01 PM  
Subby forgot to mention the bonus xray.
 
2012-12-26 01:25:51 PM  
MythDragon

that's why you have to insert pointy side first. Otherwise when you go to pull it out, the needles spread and function much like a rock-climbing cam.

My ex once took a #1 camalot off my rack, pulled the trigger, looked at me and said "heh".

/I said "no".
 
2012-12-26 01:27:36 PM  
media.tumblr.com
 
2012-12-26 01:31:12 PM  

911Jenny: But I'm looking at my bedpost and thinking there's no effing way, not in a million years, not with all the lube in the world.


The question is whether your bedpost is wider than a newborn child.

/not sure I want to be in this thread anymore
 
2012-12-26 01:32:20 PM  
I knew a guy who packed his sinus cavity with chicked bones. He did so quietly and didn't tell anyone. No one could figure out why his voice suddenly sounded different. We only found out after a few other more public episodes found him in a special ward of the hospital. That was several years ago. He's still there.
 
2012-12-26 01:36:11 PM  

peasants_are_revolting: Guys, if you want some real laughs/shudders, go to the actual database. There are plenty of funny ones they missed, such as this one:

White 82YOM STUCK A PEPPERONI IN RECTUM WITH A PENCILFOREIGN BODY RECTUM


From 1987, the grandaddy of 'em all, the white plastic ping-pong ball and concrete enema mix.

I took a side detour to 2002, wherein a game of hide the salami went all pear-shaped. Or was it the other way around?

Then this guy in 2005 decides the guy from 1987 wasn't hardcore enough; he sees 1987's concrete enema dude and raises with epoxy resin, specifically "a liquid used as masonry adhesive for anal sexual gratification."

Thank you to whomever invented recommendation systems, for turning a little research into an hour of giggling, chortling, and jaw-dropping befuddlement.
 
2012-12-26 01:40:56 PM  

KaiZas: 12/19/2011 24 F Black 24 YOF C/O HER BOYFRIEND LOST A VIBRATOR IN HER RECTUM


Whilst spelunking?


Notice it says "a vibrator", not her vibrator.
 
2012-12-26 01:55:30 PM  

My BRAND!: G.I.R.B.: My BRAND!: Fluorescent Testicle: I'm not in the medical profession, but my parents are, and I'll never forget mum's story (with x-ray proof) about the guy who had an entire 2B pencil jammed up his dickhole into his bladder, lead first.

/And yes, he claimed that he "Slipped and landed on it."
//The laws of physics themselves must've facepalmed when he said that.

At least it was a 2B and not a 2H. Much softer on the tender linings of your penis. Clearly he was an artistically knowledgeable sexual deviant. Not that i would know anything about being one of those.

As someone who has had medical devices inserted and retracted through my urethra due to kidney stones (owowowowowow BTW).....

how the hell can anyone "enjoy" doing that?

/Hurt like a SOB to pee for quite a while after

Does Rule 34 apply here?


Sad to say....probably yes.

/NOT going to GIS....................
 
2012-12-26 01:59:05 PM  

Huntceet: Came for Lemmiwinks. Am dissapoint.


No love for the Mr. Slave link I posted?
 
2012-12-26 01:59:13 PM  

911Jenny: Zero children and a ginormous bedpost.


i1.kym-cdn.com
But only IF you give consent and your safety word is "stop".
 
2012-12-26 02:06:49 PM  

No Such Agency: Bit'O'Gristle:
Penis:
SPOON
PLASTIC ZIP TIE
FORKS
ORNAMENT
"PIECE OF TIMBER"
PEN
SODA CAN POP TOP

NONONONONONONONONONONO....

Oh, like "piece of timber" and "forks" didn't disturb you?

"Oh well, sticking splintery wood and large eating utensils up your teensy weensy dick hole is one thing... but pop tops? My god man! This is madness!"


If you think "toothpick" and "fork tine" you go, "that sounds awful, but they're pretty narrow-ish... I guess." When you think something that's 1/2" across and made of sheet metal, you realize that your legs are pressing together really hard.
 
2012-12-26 02:07:41 PM  
When I was in high school a fight broke out between two guys. Both had long histories of fighting, bullying, suspensions, expulsions, etc... Both had been arrested at least once. So I watched as these two fought. I had seen many high school fights, but never between two people like this. This is like getting front row tickets to a pay per view wrestling match and witnessing the heavy weight title match. With zero tolerance it was great because both were going to be sent to the special school for problem students.

The fight ended as the winner picked up the loser and pulled down his pants and bent him over a table I wondered if there was going to be a victory rape. He took a pencil on the table, shoved it up the loser's ass and broke it off.

One left in hand cuffs in a police cruiser, the other in an ambulance.
 
2012-12-26 02:08:35 PM  

StrikitRich: Huntceet: Came for Lemmiwinks. Am dissapoint.

No love for the Mr. Slave link I posted?


Respect
 
2012-12-26 02:14:18 PM  
Worst is in the comments "missed a few... Penis: Operated on a guy where we removed (2) 6" sections of wire hanger and also a metal chain-link necklace that had obviously been in his bladder for some time.... (((CRINGE)))  "
 
2012-12-26 02:22:43 PM  

Great Janitor: When I was in high school a fight broke out between two guys. Both had long histories of fighting, bullying, suspensions, expulsions, etc... Both had been arrested at least once. So I watched as these two fought. I had seen many high school fights, but never between two people like this. This is like getting front row tickets to a pay per view wrestling match and witnessing the heavy weight title match. With zero tolerance it was great because both were going to be sent to the special school for problem students.

The fight ended as the winner picked up the loser and pulled down his pants and bent him over a table I wondered if there was going to be a victory rape. He took a pencil on the table, shoved it up the loser's ass and broke it off.

One left in hand cuffs in a police cruiser, the other in an ambulance.


anongallery.org
 
2012-12-26 02:50:08 PM  
Anything on there about "The Pickle Incident"?
 
2012-12-26 02:58:44 PM  
rectum, damn near killed 'em.
 
2012-12-26 03:02:14 PM  

Uncle Tractor: 911Jenny: But I'm looking at my bedpost and thinking there's no effing way, not in a million years, not with all the lube in the world.

The question is whether your bedpost is wider than a newborn child.

/not sure I want to be in this thread anymore


I need an adult :(
 
2012-12-26 03:09:20 PM  

j.lunatic: "[W]e will just have to conclude that flared-base advice isn't given to patients by doctors-ER or otherwise-because doctors secretly enjoy digging various foreign objects out of the variable rectums of various gentlemen."

Dan Savage, Savage Love, December 14, 2012


You know, if you go over to BadDragon.com (Totally NSFW), Flaired or Not-Flaired takes on a whole new meaning.
 
2012-12-26 03:11:26 PM  

swangoatman: 911Jenny: Zero children and a ginormous bedpost.

[i1.kym-cdn.com image 100x100]
But only IF you give consent and your safety word is "stop".


No, NO NO NO.
No.

You don't use "stop" as a safeword, because it can come up in play. Safewords have to be words that would normally not be said in the heat of the moment.

Like Barack Obama.

/not that I would know, or anything...
 
2012-12-26 03:12:20 PM  
Couldn't the French bread have been expelled from the rectum naturally? Just give the man a mild laxative, and wait for him to pinch off a loaf.
 
2012-12-26 03:13:59 PM  

A Terrible Human: Rectum:
FRENCH BREAD
HAND WRENCH
CIGARETTE LIGHTER
CRAYON
"STUCK TOY IN RECTUM AND BROKE OFF, SAW MOM INSERT TAMPON AND MIMICKED"
VIAL OF BATH SALTS
ARTIFICIAL CHRISTMAS TREE BRANCH
DRUM STICK
VINEGAR BOTTLE
LOTION BOTTLE
MOUTHWASH BOTTLE
SHAMPOO BOTTLE
BABY BOTTLE
"LOOFA W/SUCTION CUP W/HOOK ATTACHED"

WTF. Also rectum,damn near killed him!


I want to know how the hell a drumstick got stuck, they ain't shaped that way, did it get broken? how did they get to the ER with a drumstick sticking out their arse?

unless it's a chicken drumstick and the idiot stuck the meaty end in first, then I could see it getting stuck
 
2012-12-26 03:15:43 PM  

basemetal: "LOOFA W/SUCTION CUP W/HOOK ATTACHED"

o.O


they got to scrubbing their ass clean with a loofa, and just went too far, TOO FAR I TELL YOU
 
2012-12-26 03:21:00 PM  

LazarusLong42: sandbar67: I had my colon removed from my rectum in 2012. Thanks for asking.

Now you only have a semicolon?


Was this posted by a Farkette? If so, I just hope it didn't affect her periods.
 
2012-12-26 03:22:18 PM  
It would almost be worth it to go to the ER with a Pat Buchanan or Newt Gingrich bobblehead doll stuck up your ass so when this article comes out one of the item on the list is a Pat Buchanan bobblehead doll.

/almost
 
2012-12-26 03:23:57 PM  

BronyMedic: swangoatman: 911Jenny: Zero children and a ginormous bedpost.

[i1.kym-cdn.com image 100x100]
But only IF you give consent and your safety word is "stop".

No, NO NO NO.
No.

You don't use "stop" as a safeword, because it can come up in play. Safewords have to be words that would normally not be said in the heat of the moment.

Like Barack Obama.

/not that I would know, or anything...


[fluggengeinheimen.jpg]
/poorly spelled, but not obscure...
 
2012-12-26 03:28:02 PM  
i.huffpost.com

/I would like to stick something in her rectum
//it would be the best seven seconds of my life
 
2012-12-26 03:36:26 PM  
Fingers of Texas State Trooper Kellie Helleson unavailable for comment.
 
2012-12-26 04:01:12 PM  

Ed Grubermann: ZAZ: My favorite:

Wasn't that a movie with Pia Zadora?


I would let a young Pia Zadora insert about anything she wanted into my rectal cavity I could do the same to her.

cdn.styleforum.net
 
2012-12-26 04:02:53 PM  

j.lunatic: "[W]e will just have to conclude that flared-base advice isn't given to patients by doctors-ER or otherwise-because doctors secretly enjoy digging various foreign objects out of the variable rectums of various gentlemen."

Dan Savage, Savage Love, December 14, 2012


Boy did I read that wrong.

blog.lagunaniguelcarwash.com
 
2012-12-26 04:06:02 PM  

TheHappyCanadian: Uncle Tractor: 911Jenny: But I'm looking at my bedpost and thinking there's no effing way, not in a million years, not with all the lube in the world.

The question is whether your bedpost is wider than a newborn child.

/not sure I want to be in this thread anymore

I need an adult :(


...I suppose no but newborns aren't square.

Square peg, roundOMG why am I still pontificating on this?!?

I need a hug and a safe word for everyday life :(
 
2012-12-26 04:21:53 PM  
www.disneydreaming.com
 
2012-12-26 04:29:13 PM  

ZAZ: My favorite:

"12YOF GOING THROUGH MOM'S DRAWER, FOUND PENIS SHAPED 'PLEASURE ITEM,' EXPERIMENTING PUTTING IN HER VAGINA, COULDN'T GET OUT"


That must have been one small "pleasure item" to get lost in the hoo-ha of a 12 year old kid.

/not to mention getting over the ick factor of using mom's sex toy
 
2012-12-26 04:40:50 PM  

doczoidberg: That 12 year old must have one epic vagina....


I'm thinking "uterus" at this point.
 
2012-12-26 04:42:52 PM  

Great Janitor: When I was in high school a fight broke out between two guys. Both had long histories of fighting, bullying, suspensions, expulsions, etc... Both had been arrested at least once. So I watched as these two fought. I had seen many high school fights, but never between two people like this. This is like getting front row tickets to a pay per view wrestling match and witnessing the heavy weight title match. With zero tolerance it was great because both were going to be sent to the special school for problem students.

The fight ended as the winner picked up the loser and pulled down his pants and bent him over a table I wondered if there was going to be a victory rape. He took a pencil on the table, shoved it up the loser's ass and broke it off.

One left in hand cuffs in a police cruiser, the other in an ambulance.


What kinda high school you went to were fights ended in a$& raping?
 
2012-12-26 04:50:08 PM  

Great Janitor: He took a pencil on the table, shoved it up the loser's ass and broke it off.


I hope it was a number 2.
 
2012-12-26 05:05:40 PM  

aagrajag: peasants_are_revolting: A Terrible Human: peasants_are_revolting: Ooo or this one: White 82YOM PLACED DRINKING GLASS IN RECTUM FOR SEXUAL PURPOSES AND GLASS BROKE. UNABLE TO REMOVE.

I've already seen that video and it looked unpleasant to say the least.
/One guy,one jar.
//Scar your mind forever.

Yeah, someone made me watch it. Pretty horrific. Our take on it was that it was intentional though.

Wat

Why would that be intentional?

I'm kinky and all, but colon shredding seems rather extreme to be a regular masturbatory activity.


Hey, I'm not saying it's normal, but if you watch the video it seems very deliberate.
 
2012-12-26 05:07:23 PM  

Cork on Fork: Great Janitor: He took a pencil on the table, shoved it up the loser's ass and broke it off.

I hope it was a number 2.


I am sure it all worked itself out in the end.
 
2012-12-26 05:09:10 PM  

Cork on Fork: Great Janitor: He took a pencil on the table, shoved it up the loser's ass and broke it off.

I hope it was a number 2.


it was as soon as it was shoved in there
 
2012-12-26 05:15:03 PM  
In Bizarro World, gerbils stick Richard Gere up their butts to get sexual satisfaction.
 
2012-12-26 05:18:52 PM  
Whatever you do, do not click on Glass Ass. (NSFW)
 
2012-12-26 05:28:13 PM  
Remember its an item stuck in a rectum its not "your" item or rectum
 
2012-12-26 05:31:28 PM  
DRUM STICK

images.static.steveweissmusic.com

t0.gstatic.com

resound.typepad.com

Can we get a little clarification, here?
 
2012-12-26 05:39:49 PM  
Ass Pennies...

giveandgetnycdotnet.files.wordpress.com
 
2012-12-26 05:45:05 PM  

cyberspacedout: Couldn't the French bread have been expelled from the rectum naturally? Just give the man a mild laxative, and wait for him to pinch off a loaf.


www.motifake.com
 
2012-12-26 06:03:14 PM  

muzzrphochr: Throat:
LEMON SEED
MAXI PAD

did your dentist run out of gauze?

/ew gross!


I was not going on the gross on this one. I am going on the HOW....
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2012-12-26 06:17:29 PM  
desertfool: That must have been one small "pleasure item" to get lost in the hoo-ha of a 12 year old kid.

I figured it was so large, or she so small, that it got wedged in and wouldn't come out. Which means she was really ramming it in hard. I wonder if it was on while it was stuck inside?
 
2012-12-26 06:22:43 PM  

ZAZ: desertfool: That must have been one small "pleasure item" to get lost in the hoo-ha of a 12 year old kid.

I figured it was so large, or she so small, that it got wedged in and wouldn't come out. Which means she was really ramming it in hard. I wonder if it was on while it was stuck inside?


Woman goes to the ER with a vibrator stuck in her pussy
After reviewing the x-ray, the doctor tells the woman he will be able to easily remove it
The woman replies, I don't want it removed, just the batteries changed.
 
2012-12-26 06:25:07 PM  

ZAZ: My favorite:

"12YOF GOING THROUGH MOM'S DRAWER, FOUND PENIS SHAPED 'PLEASURE ITEM,' EXPERIMENTING PUTTING IN HER VAGINA, COULDN'T GET OUT"


I always enjoy golf-related michief.
 
2012-12-26 06:43:32 PM  
There's always something hilarious about these threads.
 
2012-12-26 06:46:37 PM  
don't wanna know...

cdn.ebaumsworld.com
 
2012-12-26 07:29:44 PM  
I was not aware that guys were using soda can pull tabs for sounding. C'mon, isn't that a little ridiculous? It's possible to be both freaky and safe.

I know that there are websites out there that supply novelties for just this purpose. And then there are novelties that can be repurposed if you manage to stretch your urethra that much and want to keep pushing the envelope. Though you might end up like that 12YOG who got the toy stuck in there. Nonetheless, even that would be preferable to using pull tabs.

Somehow I doubt they sanitized the pull tabs first. All sorts of germs can get into the folds in the tabs and transfer.

Though someone who does this might actually enjoy a UTI.
 
2012-12-26 07:36:46 PM  

FuryOfFirestorm: Whatever you do, do not click on Glass Ass. (NSFW)


Flashblock for the save!
 
2012-12-26 07:39:49 PM  
BolloxReader:Though someone who does this might actually enjoy a UTI.

As long as the instrument is made of stainless or surgical steel, and doesn't actually go into the bladder, you're kosher. It's not like the urethra is clean anyway.
 
2012-12-26 07:46:23 PM  

Fluorescent Testicle: BronyMedic: PROTIP: We Paramedics are going to laugh at you anyway afterwords. Just be honest about how it got there. We really don't care if you decided that a towel rack made a good dildo. Lying about it just makes us laugh harder.

I'm not in the medical profession, but my parents are, and I'll never forget mum's story (with x-ray proof) about the guy who had an entire 2B pencil jammed up his dickhole into his bladder, lead first.

/And yes, he claimed that he "Slipped and landed on it."
//The laws of physics themselves must've facepalmed when he said that.


Are you saying you'd do it ERASER first . . ? Pervert . . .
 
2012-12-26 08:15:39 PM  

ZAZ: desertfool: That must have been one small "pleasure item" to get lost in the hoo-ha of a 12 year old kid.

I figured it was so large, or she so small, that it got wedged in and wouldn't come out. Which means she was really ramming it in hard. I wonder if it was on while it was stuck inside?


If it went in I would assume that it would come out if it was longer than the depth.
 
2012-12-26 08:17:05 PM  

irishjihad: Fluorescent Testicle: BronyMedic: PROTIP: We Paramedics are going to laugh at you anyway afterwords. Just be honest about how it got there. We really don't care if you decided that a towel rack made a good dildo. Lying about it just makes us laugh harder.

I'm not in the medical profession, but my parents are, and I'll never forget mum's story (with x-ray proof) about the guy who had an entire 2B pencil jammed up his dickhole into his bladder, lead first.

/And yes, he claimed that he "Slipped and landed on it."
//The laws of physics themselves must've facepalmed when he said that.

Are you saying you'd do it ERASER first . . ? Pervert . . .


You can't show em the magic trick if you don't use the point to keep it stuck in the table

/maybe that's what killed Heath
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2012-12-26 08:34:02 PM  
If it went in I would assume that it would come out if it was longer than the depth.

Do they make sex toys like cat penises, barbed to go in easily and out abrasively?
 
2012-12-26 08:34:38 PM  

desertfool: ZAZ: desertfool: That must have been one small "pleasure item" to get lost in the hoo-ha of a 12 year old kid.

I figured it was so large, or she so small, that it got wedged in and wouldn't come out. Which means she was really ramming it in hard. I wonder if it was on while it was stuck inside?

If it went in I would assume that it would come out if it was longer than the depth.


1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-12-26 08:51:19 PM  

Warrener: Bit'O'Gristle: Penis:
SPOON
PLASTIC ZIP TIE
FORKS
ORNAMENT
"PIECE OF TIMBER"
PEN
SODA CAN POP TOP

I can imagine a few of the bad puns in the ER for that one "And the pen is..."


"Gussy it up however you want, Trebek, what matters is - does it work?"
 
2012-12-26 08:58:05 PM  

ZAZ: If it went in I would assume that it would come out if it was longer than the depth.

Do they make sex toys like cat penises, barbed to go in easily and out abrasively?


That, ZAZ, is a question I really don't want the answer to.
 
2012-12-26 09:03:14 PM  
I...I...I...I'm still squirming.

Penis:

SPOON
PLASTIC ZIP TIE
FORKS
ORNAMENT
"PIECE OF TIMBER"
PEN
SODA CAN POP TOP
 
2012-12-26 09:22:58 PM  
I think the one thing i saw that made me cringe the most was the internet video of the bull that gets his horn all up in that guy and lifts him up and throws him aside. This was in an arena during some bullfight shinanigans.... The guy kept running like nothing happened but .....OUCH!

The funniest I saw was a teenage girl with some friends clibing over a fence and doesn't quite make it. It wasn't enough to cause damage but enough to hold her in place until one of her friends lifts her up a bit...Hilarious
 
2012-12-26 09:38:50 PM  
Next episode, "Fun in the Vegetable Aisle with Friends"....

/now who wants to....
 
2012-12-26 09:39:15 PM  
My dad's story: He was hanging out at a bar when some young guy went running through streaking. Some of the guys grabbed the naked guy and did a bunch of stuff to him to encourage him to never streak again. One piece of torture my dad divulged was they stuck a toothpick up the urethra and broke it well inside. I know not a pencil, however it is what I have to share. I am glad I never got into a fight with someone who marks victory in this matter.
 
2012-12-26 09:57:09 PM  
A spoon up in the urethra? Even a small spoon is a heck of a lot bigger than anything I'd like put up there! When I had my prostate removed I had to wear a catheter for 10 days while the repaired urethra healed. It was a 3/8" diameter flexible tube that ran up into the bladder and was held up there by a balloon. It was VERY uncomfortable to wear, especially while sleeping if I rolled over the wrong way. When the time came to remove it, the nurse showed up, deflated the balloon, and then said "count to 3 and I'll pull it out". I said "one" and she jerked the damn thing right out of there. All I could say after that was "what happened to 2 and 3?"...
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2012-12-26 10:23:53 PM  
sokalis

A long time ago we had a photoshop contest starting with a still of some guy getting gored in the groin.
 
2012-12-26 10:40:42 PM  

Bendal: A spoon up in the urethra? Even a small spoon is a heck of a lot bigger than anything I'd like put up there! When I had my prostate removed I had to wear a catheter for 10 days while the repaired urethra healed. It was a 3/8" diameter flexible tube that ran up into the bladder and was held up there by a balloon. It was VERY uncomfortable to wear, especially while sleeping if I rolled over the wrong way. When the time came to remove it, the nurse showed up, deflated the balloon, and then said "count to 3 and I'll pull it out". I said "one" and she jerked the damn thing right out of there. All I could say after that was "what happened to 2 and 3?"...


To make sure she wasn't trying to pull it out when you clamped down on 3. She wanted to make sure you were relaxed because there is less chance for injury.
 
2012-12-26 10:59:09 PM  

BronyMedic: littlett's: BronyMedic: ...

To be fair, an anally inserted towel rack which perforated out the other side of the abdomen was the first impaled object I had ever seen. Kid got startled by mom and fell back onto a tile floor.


Having only the information presented about your call, I hope that some red flags were raised for you.
 
2012-12-27 12:37:26 AM  

buttery_shame_cave: cyberspacedout: Couldn't the French bread have been expelled from the rectum naturally? Just give the man a mild laxative, and wait for him to pinch off a loaf.

[www.motifake.com image 336x278]


Haha, thanks. Hadn't seen that one before.
 
2012-12-27 02:52:26 AM  
rectum?  damn near killed em!
 
2012-12-27 04:49:27 AM  
"PATIENT STATES SHE SLIPPED & FELL ONTO A TOY TRUCK WHILE CLEANING"

As a person who has been at times involved in health care - we don't believe you. Who do you think you're fooling? And since we know you're lying anyway how about you just tell the truth? We are going to laugh at you behind your back either way.

No, sir, the deodorant cap did not get stuck in your rectum when you accidentally sat on it. You were sodomising yourself with the wrong end of the cannister and it came loose. Man up and admit it (and buy a dildo).

Do tell us again how you were supposedly fully clothed when you went through the glass dining table, while we pull the glass splinters out of your arse.

/Makes a nice change from the amputated limbs, overdoses, suicide attempts, and vicious assaults
 
2012-12-27 08:24:53 AM  

Mutt Farkinov: Having only the information presented about your call, I hope that some red flags were raised for you.


*snickers*

cdn.paulickreport.com
 
2012-12-27 09:16:30 AM  

911Jenny: TheHappyCanadian: Muta: 911Jenny: A BEDPOST?!?!?

I can't even....

Check out motherless to see how it works.

no way, Motherless is full of "incest" and poo

Ooo. Good lookin' out. I mean I understand how it happens as far as Tab A inserts into Slot B....

But I'm looking at my bedpost and thinking there's no effing way, not in a million years, not with all the lube in the world.


Boys, we got a fresh one here...............
 
2012-12-27 09:18:42 AM  

Brick-House: Some Politician had an idea in 2012

[top10king.com image 400x385]


The lightbulb one dates back to Thomas Edison. Someone needs to find and repost the picture of the Lobster...... that was epic.....
 
2012-12-27 09:39:50 AM  
 
2012-12-28 01:57:31 AM  
Very little of this surprises me. I mean - you don't have to be into the stuff to know people do it. Nothing is worse than when I'm looking for some nice video of some girl being spanked by a nun in the bdsm tab and seeing pictures of a vagina bleeding full of needles or some dudes wanger with a finger in it.

Isn't there some way to separate porn from the porn where people are mutilateing their genitals? I don't mind if your into it but sometimes it shows up unexpectedly and kinda squicks my boner away.
 
2012-12-28 04:41:16 AM  

mikefinch: Very little of this surprises me. I mean - you don't have to be into the stuff to know people do it. Nothing is worse than when I'm looking for some nice video of some girl being spanked by a nun in the bdsm tab and seeing pictures of a vagina bleeding full of needles or some dudes wanger with a finger in it.

Isn't there some way to separate porn from the porn where people are mutilateing their genitals? I don't mind if your into it but sometimes it shows up unexpectedly and kinda squicks my boner away.


Unless you want to make your penis detach itself and run away, don't look for the porn with the chick putting a hamster in her cootch.
 
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