If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Boston.com)   Happy Festivus to one and all. Air your grievances to the right   (boston.com) divider line 197
    More: Sappy, Festivus, rude behavior, Ig Nobel Prizes, coronary artery disease  
•       •       •

3989 clicks; posted to Main » on 23 Dec 2012 at 8:14 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



197 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Archived thread

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | » | Last | Show all
 
2012-12-23 08:59:29 AM
D'oh! Effed up my tags on that last one. Sorry...
 
2012-12-23 09:02:24 AM
What's the deal with observational humor?

1-media-cdn.foolz.us
 
2012-12-23 09:02:54 AM

Suflig: Consumers irritate me to no end. Why do you people have to waste money on all that stupid farking garbage you insist that you need? The sale price is wrong? You won't buy it if you don't get the sale price? Then YOU DON'T FARKING NEED IT DO YOU!?!?!

Your $400 meds have a copay of $3? You say you'll die if you don't take the meds but you are making a scene over $3? DON'T TAKE THEM THEN. JUST DIE.


I often found that these two examples are the same person. They're also the same ones who will insist that you must price-match the nearest competitor's sale even though they'll only save a buck-two-ninety-eight in the process.

\Glad to not be in retail anymore.
\\IT isn't really that different; it's just a slightly different class of stupid that I have to put up with.
 
2012-12-23 09:03:38 AM
Apparently there is another holiday this week and I am being forced into hosting a dinner for the very people I spend the entire year avoiding. I can't stand my farking Aunts and Cousins. Uncles were okay, but had the good sense to die and escape their idiot children and wives.
 
2012-12-23 09:06:04 AM

DON.MAC: It is now 63°C (154.4°F) cooler in Mikkeli Finland than in Melbourne Australia. That is about 20% of °K difference.


Ummm... What? One degree Kelvin and one degree Celsius are exactly the same in terms of thermal energy. The Kelvin scale simply has a 273-degree offset relative to Celsius to account for the fact that it starts at absolute zero.
 
2012-12-23 09:07:45 AM

Landis: DON.MAC: It is now 63°C (154.4°F) cooler in Mikkeli Finland than in Melbourne Australia. That is about 20% of °K difference.

Ummm... What? One degree Kelvin and one degree Celsius are exactly the same in terms of thermal energy. The Kelvin scale simply has a 273-degree offset relative to Celsius to account for the fact that it starts at absolute zero.


You think you're smarter than us?
 
NFA [TotalFark]
2012-12-23 09:07:56 AM

Landis: Today is the 8th day of a 2-week vacation; the first chunk of time greater than 2 days wrapped around a weekend that I've ever taken off. So, naturally, I was woken up at 8:00 by a phone call from the Tampa office that began with "Yeah, I know you're on vacation and all...". This, coincidentally, is the sixth phone call I've gotten from work since starting the vacation.


Friday was my fifth day of vacation and the only day I didn't have to go to work to solve a problem created in my absence. I get paid well but I`m realizing 12+ hour work days ( but paid for 8)and working vacations cause me to make a lot less than I appear to make. I REALLY need a career change.
 
2012-12-23 09:08:44 AM

tetsoushima: What's the deal with observational humor?


Ha! Awesome.
 
2012-12-23 09:09:32 AM

Here Comes Everybody: I've had a sinus headache for over a week now and am living on Tylenol. My nose is clogged, my mouth is constantly dry, and I can barely taste anything.


You need a neti pot.
 
2012-12-23 09:11:30 AM

bacchanalias and consequences: I'm an Eagles fan.


Why don't you come to your senses?
 
2012-12-23 09:12:50 AM
This steak is overcooked a little. Take it back and do it right, you spineless moon-calf-looking retard.

Do ya mean like that, subby?
 
2012-12-23 09:13:36 AM

swaniefrmreddeer: DubyaHater: I have a problem with people who call soda "pop". It's lame.

I have a problem with people who call pop "soda", they aren't Canadian.


I have a problem with people who call coke soda a pop.
 
2012-12-23 09:15:16 AM

Landis: DON.MAC: It is now 63°C (154.4°F) cooler in Mikkeli Finland than in Melbourne Australia. That is about 20% of °K difference.

Ummm... What? One degree Kelvin and one degree Celsius are exactly the same in terms of thermal energy. The Kelvin scale simply has a 273-degree offset relative to Celsius to account for the fact that it starts at absolute zero.


The Kelvin scale does not employ degrees because it is an absolute scale, not a relative scale. The freezing point of water at atmospheric pressure is 273.15 Kelvins, not 273.15 degrees Kelvin.
 
NFA [TotalFark]
2012-12-23 09:16:03 AM

FirstNationalBastard: Fuggin Bizzy: DubyaHater: I have a problem with people who call soda "pop". It's lame.

Arm and Hammer makes soda. Coca-Cola makes pop.

"Pop"? Farking heathen.

You might as well call all sodas "Coke".


In my part of the world a `pop` is an unexpected punch to the face. As in `I popped him`.

Go ahead ask for a pop, I dare you.
 
2012-12-23 09:17:00 AM
My kids all fight with each other and they're all adults. Grow up, damn it! And to my youngest child, the idiot son, who thinks nothing is ever his fault, yes it is your fault. Grow a pair already. And I still love all of you. How does that work?

/Feeling better already.
 
2012-12-23 09:17:15 AM

Krymson Tyde: swaniefrmreddeer: DubyaHater: I have a problem with people who call soda "pop". It's lame.

I have a problem with people who call pop "soda", they aren't Canadian.

I have a problem with people who call coke soda a pop.


*and, goddammit. AND.
 
2012-12-23 09:18:54 AM
I usually have no problems making up my mind but i suck at cars.

i can't figure out if I want to get a (diesel) Jetta sportswagen TDI, a (diesel) Audi A3 TDI or a Ford C-max Energi plug-in hybrid. I'm not environmentally conscious, just prefer not to visit the gas station so often.

I have two old old cars and I have to make a decision before Jan 1. And go deeper in debt, blah.
 
2012-12-23 09:20:22 AM
Let's see... The MIL decided LAST NIGHT that she couldn't do Christmas Eve, as has been planned since, well, every freakin' year. She invited herself for tonight instead, which means I am now doing three Christmas dinners instead of two. And I have to be ready 24 hours earlier than I thought. So of course, here I am Farking instead of Christmas prepping.

Also, the Mr. is sick as a dog and whining nonstop. And wanting me to wait on him hand and foot.

Other than that, though, things are going pretty good. White Christmas and all. Oh yeah, that meant my neighbor was snow-blowing at 6am, the bastard, but at least he had a shirt on.
 
2012-12-23 09:22:09 AM

Fuggin Bizzy: bacchanalias and consequences: I'm an Eagles fan.

Ouch. Sorry.


Yeah, it's like a bad relationship. They disappoint me every year, but I keep coming back.

On the way to the Linc now with a truck full of beer.

/somebody stop me.
 
2012-12-23 09:23:35 AM

bacchanalias and consequences: Fuggin Bizzy: bacchanalias and consequences: I'm an Eagles fan.

Ouch. Sorry.

Yeah, it's like a bad relationship. They disappoint me every year, but I keep coming back.

On the way to the Linc now with a truck full of beer.

/somebody stop me.


They only hit you because you deserve it.
 
2012-12-23 09:23:59 AM

namegoeshere: Let's see... The MIL decided LAST NIGHT that she couldn't do Christmas Eve, as has been planned since, well, every freakin' year. She invited herself for tonight instead, which means I am now doing three Christmas dinners instead of two. And I have to be ready 24 hours earlier than I thought. So of course, here I am Farking instead of Christmas prepping.

Also, the Mr. is sick as a dog and whining nonstop. And wanting me to wait on him hand and foot.

Other than that, though, things are going pretty good. White Christmas and all. Oh yeah, that meant my neighbor was snow-blowing at 6am, the bastard, but at least he had a shirt on.


Order Chinese takeout, sit down, put your feet up with a glass of wine in one hand and read every fortune cookie fortune out loud with "in bed" at the end of it. And serve that dinner on paper plates.
 
2012-12-23 09:25:28 AM

Karma Curmudgeon: That farker didn't "smart" or "funny" my witty insight. You know who you are. Yes, you.


Next time I will "smart" and "funny" your comment. Not this time, but next time. (If I remember)
 
2012-12-23 09:25:58 AM

DO NOT WANT Poster Girl: namegoeshere: Let's see... The MIL decided LAST NIGHT that she couldn't do Christmas Eve, as has been planned since, well, every freakin' year. She invited herself for tonight instead, which means I am now doing three Christmas dinners instead of two. And I have to be ready 24 hours earlier than I thought. So of course, here I am Farking instead of Christmas prepping.

Also, the Mr. is sick as a dog and whining nonstop. And wanting me to wait on him hand and foot.

Other than that, though, things are going pretty good. White Christmas and all. Oh yeah, that meant my neighbor was snow-blowing at 6am, the bastard, but at least he had a shirt on.

Order Chinese takeout, sit down, put your feet up with a glass of wine in one hand and read every fortune cookie fortune out loud with "in bed" at the end of it. And serve that dinner on paper plates.


Heh, nice. I like it.

Fa ra ra ra ra...
 
2012-12-23 09:26:52 AM

Krymson Tyde: swaniefrmreddeer: DubyaHater: I have a problem with people who call soda "pop". It's lame.

I have a problem with people who call pop "soda", they aren't Canadian.

I have a problem with people who call coke soda a pop.


Coke and soda is a cocktail. Coke, soda, and ammonia makes crack.
 
2012-12-23 09:28:38 AM

namegoeshere: DO NOT WANT Poster Girl: namegoeshere: Let's see... The MIL decided LAST NIGHT that she couldn't do Christmas Eve, as has been planned since, well, every freakin' year. She invited herself for tonight instead, which means I am now doing three Christmas dinners instead of two. And I have to be ready 24 hours earlier than I thought. So of course, here I am Farking instead of Christmas prepping.

Also, the Mr. is sick as a dog and whining nonstop. And wanting me to wait on him hand and foot.

Other than that, though, things are going pretty good. White Christmas and all. Oh yeah, that meant my neighbor was snow-blowing at 6am, the bastard, but at least he had a shirt on.

Order Chinese takeout, sit down, put your feet up with a glass of wine in one hand and read every fortune cookie fortune out loud with "in bed" at the end of it. And serve that dinner on paper plates.

Heh, nice. I like it.

Fa ra ra ra ra...


Chinese takeout on Xmas eve was my Dad's alternative to my mom's side Italian white garlic clam sauce linguine dinner.

Either way it was garlic farts all through Santa time.
 
2012-12-23 09:29:21 AM
I'd like to swap apartments with my upstairs neighbor and stomp around in heavy boots at 11:30pm.
 
2012-12-23 09:29:25 AM

DO NOT WANT Poster Girl: I usually have no problems making up my mind but i suck at cars.

i can't figure out if I want to get a (diesel) Jetta sportswagen TDI, a (diesel) Audi A3 TDI or a Ford C-max Energi plug-in hybrid. I'm not environmentally conscious, just prefer not to visit the gas station so often.

I have two old old cars and I have to make a decision before Jan 1. And go deeper in debt, blah.


If your "old" cars work, and if you'd have to get a loan to buy a new one, why would you buy a new car?

Did you fail math, or did you just upgrade from an iPhone 4s to an iPhone 5?
 
2012-12-23 09:36:40 AM

FirstNationalBastard: Fuggin Bizzy: DubyaHater: I have a problem with people who call soda "pop". It's lame.

Arm and Hammer makes soda. Coca-Cola makes pop.

"Pop"? Farking heathen.

You might as well call all sodas "Coke".


Reminds me of M*A*S*H...

Col. Potter: "Bring me a Snickers."
Radar: "With nuts?"
Col. Potter: "No nuts."
Radar: "Milky Way."
 
2012-12-23 09:38:08 AM
I have a problem with Fark Independents. Just have the balls to admit that you're Republicans. You're so far in the political closet you can see Narnia.
 
2012-12-23 09:38:54 AM
I got a half day off work Friday, which I won't get paid for, to attend work luncheon where I got a bonus which didn't even make up for missing a half day of work. I got a starbucks ceramic cup in the white elephant gift exchange and I don't drink coffee. And work announced they are closing an extra day at Christmas for which I also won't get paid.
Past years I wouldn't have cared but this year Mr. Brave is out of work.
 
2012-12-23 09:39:50 AM

swaniefrmreddeer: Krymson Tyde: swaniefrmreddeer: DubyaHater: I have a problem with people who call soda "pop". It's lame.

I have a problem with people who call pop "soda", they aren't Canadian.

I have a problem with people who call coke soda a pop.

Coke and soda is a cocktail. Coke, soda, and ammonia makes crack.


Coke and Iron Ore makes pig iron
 
2012-12-23 09:40:17 AM

Giblet: DO NOT WANT Poster Girl: I usually have no problems making up my mind but i suck at cars.

i can't figure out if I want to get a (diesel) Jetta sportswagen TDI, a (diesel) Audi A3 TDI or a Ford C-max Energi plug-in hybrid. I'm not environmentally conscious, just prefer not to visit the gas station so often.

I have two old old cars and I have to make a decision before Jan 1. And go deeper in debt, blah.

If your "old" cars work, and if you'd have to get a loan to buy a new one, why would you buy a new car?

Did you fail math, or did you just upgrade from an iPhone 4s to an iPhone 5?


I have a 1995 Audi with a failing transmission, and a 2001 Nissan pathfinder with a rusting ...well, everything. Over 150K on both.

Maybe you think that paying thousands of dollars to keep them running is a good idea,but I really need at least one reliable car, and the diesels last for 400K with care. The hybrid may last close to that, as the battery life on the lithium ions are pretty long, but I may just lease it.

And, no, I upgraded recently to an iPhone 5 from my iPhone 3G after i screwed up the earpiece cable after i put in the second battery replacement.

Yea, I'm cheap,but to a point.
 
2012-12-23 09:41:54 AM
Can I troll and vent?

Obama: be a freaking man and stop reading the TelePrompTer for wisdom. We all know you are a Pinocchio doll being controlled by the unions.

/ baits out...
 
2012-12-23 09:45:37 AM
Let's take a moment to stop and remember Dan O'Keefe, the inventor of Festivus. He passed this year.

R.I.P. Untinseled Man
 
2012-12-23 09:48:00 AM

DO NOT WANT Poster Girl: Giblet: DO NOT WANT Poster Girl: I usually have no problems making up my mind but i suck at cars.

i can't figure out if I want to get a (diesel) Jetta sportswagen TDI, a (diesel) Audi A3 TDI or a Ford C-max Energi plug-in hybrid. I'm not environmentally conscious, just prefer not to visit the gas station so often.

I have two old old cars and I have to make a decision before Jan 1. And go deeper in debt, blah.

If your "old" cars work, and if you'd have to get a loan to buy a new one, why would you buy a new car?

Did you fail math, or did you just upgrade from an iPhone 4s to an iPhone 5?

I have a 1995 Audi with a failing transmission, and a 2001 Nissan pathfinder with a rusting ...well, everything. Over 150K on both.

Maybe you think that paying thousands of dollars to keep them running is a good idea,but I really need at least one reliable car, and the diesels last for 400K with care. The hybrid may last close to that, as the battery life on the lithium ions are pretty long, but I may just lease it.

And, no, I upgraded recently to an iPhone 5 from my iPhone 3G after i screwed up the earpiece cable after i put in the second battery replacement.

Yea, I'm cheap,but to a point.


You could have at least gift-wrapped my ass as you handed it to me, Scrooge.
 
2012-12-23 09:55:56 AM

Giblet: DO NOT WANT Poster Girl: Giblet: DO NOT WANT Poster Girl: I usually have no problems making up my mind but i suck at cars.

i can't figure out if I want to get a (diesel) Jetta sportswagen TDI, a (diesel) Audi A3 TDI or a Ford C-max Energi plug-in hybrid. I'm not environmentally conscious, just prefer not to visit the gas station so often.

I have two old old cars and I have to make a decision before Jan 1. And go deeper in debt, blah.

If your "old" cars work, and if you'd have to get a loan to buy a new one, why would you buy a new car?

Did you fail math, or did you just upgrade from an iPhone 4s to an iPhone 5?

I have a 1995 Audi with a failing transmission, and a 2001 Nissan pathfinder with a rusting ...well, everything. Over 150K on both.

Maybe you think that paying thousands of dollars to keep them running is a good idea,but I really need at least one reliable car, and the diesels last for 400K with care. The hybrid may last close to that, as the battery life on the lithium ions are pretty long, but I may just lease it.

And, no, I upgraded recently to an iPhone 5 from my iPhone 3G after i screwed up the earpiece cable after i put in the second battery replacement.

Yea, I'm cheap,but to a point.

You could have at least gift-wrapped my ass as you handed it to me, Scrooge.


Nah, I wasn't trying to hand your ass to you...this whole buying consumer goods versus utility kills me. I tend to buy for quality and then take care of items until they just don't work anymore. I'm from a family of old school Yankees...why replace when it ain't broke? Which is why I'm looking at diesels...I won't have to face that choice for a while.

Hubby on the other hand is hard core, back woods Mainer and will keep the broken stuff going. The Nissan is with us for a while, regardless.
 
2012-12-23 09:58:22 AM
Mel Brooks summed it up years ago, "Life Stinks".
 
2012-12-23 10:06:51 AM

Giblet: DO NOT WANT Poster Girl: Giblet: DO NOT WANT Poster Girl: I usually have no problems making up my mind but i suck at cars.

i can't figure out if I want to get a (diesel) Jetta sportswagen TDI, a (diesel) Audi A3 TDI or a Ford C-max Energi plug-in hybrid. I'm not environmentally conscious, just prefer not to visit the gas station so often.

I have two old old cars and I have to make a decision before Jan 1. And go deeper in debt, blah.

If your "old" cars work, and if you'd have to get a loan to buy a new one, why would you buy a new car?

Did you fail math, or did you just upgrade from an iPhone 4s to an iPhone 5?

I have a 1995 Audi with a failing transmission, and a 2001 Nissan pathfinder with a rusting ...well, everything. Over 150K on both.

Maybe you think that paying thousands of dollars to keep them running is a good idea,but I really need at least one reliable car, and the diesels last for 400K with care. The hybrid may last close to that, as the battery life on the lithium ions are pretty long, but I may just lease it.

And, no, I upgraded recently to an iPhone 5 from my iPhone 3G after i screwed up the earpiece cable after i put in the second battery replacement.

Yea, I'm cheap,but to a point.

You could have at least gift-wrapped my ass as you handed it to me, Scrooge.


Oh, damn. Merry Christmas to me. That simple reply has Post of The Year written all over it for its simplicity, humility, and humor. Very nice, thanks for the laugh!
 
2012-12-23 10:09:04 AM
I've got 99 problems, and Festivus ain't one of them
 
2012-12-23 10:11:15 AM

ajgeek: I hate being 30 and back in college. Nothing reminds you just how much people hate you than know-it-all 18 year olds. Nothing is also quite so humbling as remembering that you were once one of those FREAKS!


Stop whining and drop out!

/or tune in
//or turn on
///or something
 
2012-12-23 10:11:49 AM
GODDAMN CAT JUST PISSED ALL OVER MY SHOES AND SHIAT ON THE FRONT DOOR MAT

Like I don't have enough to farking do today. I get it, you're old, kitteh. But I put a litter box in every farking bathroom! On every farking floor! I switched boxes several times to get the one with the lowest sides and the litter you've always liked. I keep them all really really clean.

IT'S FARTHER TO THE FRONT DOOR THAN IT IS TO THE GODDAMMED LITTERBOX YOU LITTLE...

I put the plastic floor runner, pokey side up, under the shoes (and the tree, and a bunch of other places) It hurts like hell to step on it barefoot, which I have done many times. does that stop you??

NOOOOOOOOOO. You'll take the pain for the opportunity to piss on my shoes!

Welcome to my house. Why yes, we do have cats. Why do you ask?

I love the cat so, so much but holy shiat I can't do the shiat and piss all over...
 
2012-12-23 10:16:16 AM
People that brag they worked 60 hours (or some inflated number) last week. Then later, you find out they did all their online shopping at work. And they called your cousin for a holiday recipe. And they made an appointment with a mechanic to get their car fixed. Etc, etc. etc.

That's not working. That's getting paid to do your basic errands.
 
2012-12-23 10:22:07 AM
How the hell can a ball hit 225 feet away be called an infield fly? Damn umpire.

/Braves fan - still not over it
 
2012-12-23 10:25:55 AM
In the spirit of Festivus, I hope you all hoist that pole right up
 
gja [TotalFark]
2012-12-23 10:28:57 AM
Dear fellow world members:
Please stop:
1. Killing each other over stupid shiat.
2. Stealing each others land/possessions/resources etc...
3. Taking drugs that turn you into azzholes that feel the need to go and do horrific shiat (leading to yet more misery).
4. Allowing your fellow man to starve, freeze/boil to death, die lonely and alone, die without dignity or solace, etc...
5. Being so materialistic (no matter how hard you try, you will leave it all behind and you are dust in the end).
6. Ignoring those around you in pain and suffering. You ARE your brothers keeper. No. REALLY.

This is a start, at least. There is so, so much more though. I hope and pray I live to see the day we as a race "get it" and start fixing our collective shiat.

/fark-on man, fark-on
 
2012-12-23 10:31:04 AM
I want 5G instead of that lame 4G.
 
2012-12-23 10:33:58 AM
Lemme give this a go... *cracks knuckles before typing*

First off. All you Farkers, especially the mods AND Drew: You're cool as shiat on a glacier.

To the "System Admins" that I work for on a daily basis:

Fark you, fark you all sideways with fire hydrants wrapped in Concertina wire.

Telling me to run diagnostics on your server without giving me any useful information will result in nothing. Telling me to do your job for you only says you don't know how to do your job. Know what happens if I don't know how to do my job? I get farking fired.

I wish all you idiots get ignited napalm enemas.

No more will I simply let you remain ignorant. I will lambaste you in the vapid, inane emails you send betraying your ignorance of you key job functions. Pull everyone off the email so it's just you telling me you don't know how? I'll put everyone back on with my lmgtfy response and show your colleagues you're a moron.

I hope you get planar warts and planar fasciitis, and that your mother in laws will describe their ass boils to you in appetite-destroying detail.

My job is to fix the hardware when it breaks, nothing else. It's your job to diagnose the servers, I'm only to do it when your system is so farked you can't remote to it. It's your job to monitor your servers, you can biatch until the cows come home that you have 200 servers to watch, I have 1000's in my location alone. You have monitoring software, hell, your IPMI-compliant management controllers can be set up to send you a damn email through SNMP when they find something's gone wrong, all of it automatic.

I hope midgets punch you in the junk with rusty razor blades.
 
gja [TotalFark]
2012-12-23 10:34:07 AM

wambu: I want 5G instead of that lame 4G.


"How many bloody G's are there?"
encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com
 
2012-12-23 10:50:17 AM
Tebow
 
2012-12-23 10:51:45 AM
I like the part of the article where she "robotically bleated 'doorway, doorway'". I would pop her for that. Or soda her, either one.
 
Displayed 50 of 197 comments

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | » | Last | Show all

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »






Report