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(Cracked)   Trying to invent something? Try to make sure it has a purpose, unlike these machines. Subby wants #2 for his house   (cracked.com) divider line 33
    More: Stupid, muscular dystrophy, index card, Turn-on  
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10375 clicks; posted to Geek » on 21 Dec 2012 at 5:54 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



33 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2012-12-21 02:39:22 PM
The mechanics of the smoking machine were really impressive.
I have to wonder if the Jelly Wiggler was built for the purpose of filming wiggling Jell-O.
 
2012-12-21 02:52:14 PM
I should build a useless machine.
 
2012-12-21 04:12:13 PM

nekom: I should build a useless machine.


The last thing I'd want to invent is a machine that can put me out of my job.
 
2012-12-21 05:16:39 PM
#7 would be heaps fun! I'd love it or let my cat play with it
#4 was hypnotic to watch. Imagine watching that if you were trying to give up smoking
#1 had me laughing the moment the video started
 
2012-12-21 06:09:10 PM

nekom: I should build a useless machine.


I did, I call them my kids.
 
2012-12-21 06:09:42 PM
You want me to 'invent' a sh*t in your house?
 
2012-12-21 06:21:49 PM
The jelly wobbler should be taken to the next level. Add a laser scanner that tracks the wobble which in turn controls a gyroscope to keep the jell-o perfectly still.
 
2012-12-21 06:22:32 PM
List is incomplete without the "Tally-Ho" Automatic Bed Wetter or the "Hygena" Automatic Nose Picker.
 
2012-12-21 06:28:35 PM
Simplified version of the useless machine:

Useless Box Kit
 
2012-12-21 06:35:57 PM
I once designed in my robotics class a stapler that was the size of a aircraft maintanence hanger, overly complex, used digital circuits and a series of relays and needed twenty motherboards and could only staple a maximum of two sheets of paper.

I had no idea others had built machines as needless as wat I had done.
 
2012-12-21 06:52:52 PM
#1's description made me chuckle and I immediately thought of my useless daughter..

"
The Jelly Wobbler is a plate of Jell-O balanced on a giant spring that shakes around as you pedal it. That's it. It's like a lava lamp for active stoners.
 
2012-12-21 06:56:20 PM

ktybear: #7 would be heaps fun! I'd love it or let my cat play with it


I think cats would enjoy chasing the dot from #6 most
 
2012-12-21 06:59:40 PM
Rube Goldberg approves.
 
2012-12-21 07:06:38 PM
THIS is what the Internet was invented for.
 
2012-12-21 07:30:38 PM
AMAZO must find his own purpose.
 
2012-12-21 07:45:36 PM
The unplugging machine would be cool, but that would only increase laziness. However, it could be used for unplugging wet cords...
 
2012-12-21 08:38:00 PM
#5 Internet style Link
 
2012-12-21 09:25:54 PM
The gas powered flashlight may be terribly inefficient but it isn't useless.
 
2012-12-21 09:27:34 PM
I spec'd out a gasoline powered portable refrigerator once upon a time. Not entirely useless, but we decided dry ice was a better option than the noise.

And I briefly misread that as a gasoline powered fleshlight.
 
2012-12-21 09:35:12 PM

Great Janitor: I once designed in my robotics class a stapler that was the size of a aircraft maintanence hanger, overly complex, used digital circuits and a series of relays and needed twenty motherboards and could only staple a maximum of two sheets of paper.

I had no idea others had built machines as needless as wat I had done.


that is awesome. thank you for the hearty chuckle!
 
2012-12-21 09:48:50 PM

ABQGOD: The jelly wobbler should be taken to the next level. Add a laser scanner that tracks the wobble which in turn controls a gyroscope to keep the jell-o perfectly still.


You must be an engineer!
 
das
2012-12-21 10:48:04 PM

Thunderboy: ABQGOD: The jelly wobbler should be taken to the next level. Add a laser scanner that tracks the wobble which in turn controls a gyroscope to keep the jell-o perfectly still.

You must be an engineer!


...or a WIZARD!!!!
 
2012-12-21 11:57:32 PM

curtis_e_bare: Simplified version of the useless machine:

Useless Box Kit


Want. Badly.
 
2012-12-22 12:47:01 AM

ktybear: #7 would be heaps fun! I'd love it or let my cat play with it
#4 was hypnotic to watch. Imagine watching that if you were trying to give up smoking
#1 had me laughing the moment the video started


This machine can deliver on all 3 of those.
 
2012-12-22 01:12:19 AM

Ivo Shandor: ktybear: #7 would be heaps fun! I'd love it or let my cat play with it
#4 was hypnotic to watch. Imagine watching that if you were trying to give up smoking
#1 had me laughing the moment the video started

This machine can deliver on all 3 of those.


Hahahaha love it, and you're right.
I love mice.
 
2012-12-22 03:00:38 AM
 
2012-12-22 03:43:17 AM

robbiex0r: The mechanics of the smoking machine were really impressive.
I have to wonder if the Jelly Wiggler was built for the purpose of filming wiggling Jell-O.


Tobacco companies use smoking machines to test their cigarettes, rather than getting a real person to...
 
2012-12-22 04:08:20 AM
#1 sounds totally like having wild sex or power fapping.
 
2012-12-22 05:41:50 AM
Useful shiat often come from the designs of useless inventions.

Keep that in mind.
 
2012-12-22 07:15:13 AM

kdawg7736: The unplugging machine would be cool, but that would only increase laziness. However, it could be used for unplugging wet cords...


I think you miss a key component of its uselessness- the only cord it unplugs is its own.
 
2012-12-22 10:01:51 AM

wildcardjack: And I briefly misread that as a gasoline powered fleshlight.


This made me laugh, but honestly, can you imagine one? It would be a race to see if the fleshlight got you off before you died from the exhaust fumes.
 
2012-12-22 10:43:38 AM
Given that #3 was likely built some time between 1768 and 1774, it's pretty cool. I've seen a couple of the original automata -- yes, they still function. One draws or writes, depending on which cylinder is used, and one plays a small harpsichord.
Those would be well worth owning.
 
2012-12-22 08:39:07 PM
Yeah, but the most useless machine of all time was invented over 200 years ago

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