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(ESPN)   The Redskins and the Cowboys in the top 10, the Jets and Browns out of the playoff hunt, and the Seahawks keep putting down 50. It's your Week 16 NFL Power Rankings   ( divider line
    More: Amusing, Seahawks, Redskins, Browns, Jets, NFL, Cowboys, playoffs, Colin Kaepernick  
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3868 clicks; posted to FarkUs » on 18 Dec 2012 at 12:52 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2012-12-18 03:45:59 PM  
5 votes:

We are gathered here today to celebrate a remarkable achievement. Remarkable in every sense of the word, really. God knows when a quarterback races out to an early 83.3, the rest of us mock and deride, point and laugh, and shortly thereafter simply turn our minds off to such things. The Jake has been handled, it's clearly been won by whomever and while tracking the scoreboard for the rest of the games will be fun, it won't exactly be exciting. No one will seriously consider the possibility that someone else might sneak it away, even if the landmarks of this award still have yet to play.

Hell, it would almost require something surreal.

Something supernatural.

Something like the magic of MS6.

To be certain, said magic works in mysterious ways. One may say that this quarterback's previous win, notched at a truly pathetic 33.3, is evidence enough that it doesn't even exist. Others would argue that it is all the evidence necessary that this is a gunslinger truly touched by the hand of suck. The divine hand of providence guiding his arm to throw the ball into triple coverage, to convince him that he still has a few seconds to hang onto the ball, no matter what the growing shadow over his head might otherwise say.

That even when he cannot achieve, he achieves.

Never has that been more readily apparent than in this lost Jets season, a season so bereft of bearings and so lacking in logic that if a tribesman from the wilds of Borneo was to be transplanted into modern society and asked which team had their coach suspended for the year, they might just answer Gang Green. Yet somehow, in some way, they were still eligible for the playoffs this week. Just think about that.


Yes, Jim, there IS...or WAS...the possibility of a Jets playoff spot.

With this assuredly motley crew made up of a backup quarterback given more attention than everyone else, a third-stringer looking more adept at quarterbacking than the starter, and overseeing it all, a jovial man of massive corpulence and an equally massive appetite for little piggies on their way to the market.

Which would also greatly interest the Borneo wildman, but I digress.

And like a surprising lot of the dates with destiny that have been detailed in these pages, this week's award-winning performance started off slowly. Our man finished with a clean slate after quarter one came to its conclusion, despite several worthy attempts to crack the rankings. Indeed, this alleged franchise QB didn't hit the scoreboard until there were a mere four minutes remaining in the first half. Not withstanding the hilarious sack lunch he was fed to send the game to halftime, taking down Josh Freeman would be perhaps his gravest challenge.

Thankfully, there was still some magic left in that old Jets helmet they found.

91 seconds elapsed, and 33.3 was shining brightly. If anyone's thoughts leapt to the idea of a Jake race, however, they were sorely disappointed. The rest of the quarter played out and 33.3 stayed stuck on the board. Worse, the man known as The Sanchise threw a pass for a touchdown.

A touchdown.

To his own team, no less.

All those faces soon blanched at that disgusting sight, and all seemed set in stone. There were only eight minutes and forty four seconds left in the game, and while the Jets' playoff hopes seemed to have died, something much more valuable seemed totally out of their quarterback's ever-so-shaky grasp. Josh Freeman had incredibly won The Jake for Week 15 of the 2012 NFL season against the Worst Defense in the World while failing to score even a single point against them, and -

Hope was rekindled with that criminally underthrown long bomb down the sidelines, we all dearly remember that. It was pathetic, putrid, puerile, and any other such descriptive terms beginning with the letter "p" that can be used to describe a wounded duck quite so ugly. Still, with the ball firmly held to the chest of the Tennessee cornerback, his score was a mere 50.0. Those numbers might be enough to get by in some weeks, but not this one. Not when Josh Freeman had made the defense that defines "terrible" for 2012 appear to be shockingly competent. Just over five minutes were left, and we all knew that if a Mayan Apocalypse miracle were to happen, it had to be continued now.

Another big bomb lived up to its label and the race for The Jake was born anew. 4 interceptions had stunned the crowd, thrilled our teeming masses yearning to breathe Jake, and all at once, the Farkistani population's lonely eyes turned to you, Jets defense.

Woo woo woo.

And we ALL knew it as Sexy Rexy's pride and joy not contained in Michelle's loafers held strong. They held true.

A furious fourth quarter run at forever could actually happen.

There was no telling what might happen, though. That playoff potential was absurdly still on the table as the offense strode onto the field. Down by four points, needing to notch a touchdown score in only 47 brief seconds, the game, the trophy, everything hung by a thread. Which way would the game break?

It only took one play. A single opportunity to either win the game or the gold was all that was necessary for this supposedly handsome, supposedly franchise quarterback to make up his mind. And he made it up well, people.

Oh so very well.

The exchange from Mangold was bobbled, the chance to win and the long shot hopes to reach the tournament dashed, and the Titans could kneel away the end of the strangest New York Jets season in non-Kotite memory. There was a tie on the board, but the hearts and minds of the public was won.

Whomever has him in the Secret Santa, sleep well. He now truly is the man who has everything - a GQ cover-quality body, a golden pair of bookends, and a face full of ass running on perpetual loop on myriad websites across the interwebs.

For thrilling us all with a pursuit of glory not thought possible, for overcoming what seemed to be a no-brainer winner, for recording a 83.3 score at the absolute 11th hour, I am proud to present The Jake for Week 15 of the 2012 NFL season to Mark Sanchez of the New York Jets.

Mark, anything to say?

Don't speak with your mouth full, Mark, it's rude.
2012-12-18 10:16:30 PM  
2 votes:
On behalf of Bunny Deville, and the entire FAIL community (okay its just the two of us) here are FAILS. FAILS EVERYWHERE
2012-12-18 02:53:03 PM  
2 votes:

RumsfeldsReplacement: WHAR JAKE

/With bonus Fat Man
2012-12-18 02:30:11 PM  
2 votes:
Here is the best still photo the Bears could get as the promo for an video interview with Jay....

I'd say about says it all, but, that could be Jay jumping for joy.
2012-12-18 06:21:37 PM  
1 vote:

Di Atribe: eddievercetti: Di Atribe: Hello, my little angles. You are looking so acute today! Would you look at that navy blue line? Oh me oh my what have we here.....

Soon, they will fall...

If anyone knows what failing looks like, it's Eagles fans.
2012-12-18 04:21:25 PM  
1 vote:

roc6783: Treygreen13: seumasokelly: ***snip***

If you got Safety problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems, but a Peprah ain't one.

//Charlie Peprah is really bad. Really bad.

seumasokelly: roc6783: seumasokelly: roc6783: Super Chronic: seumasokelly: ***snip***

Oh, I know. I wasn;t being antagonistic. I just hate that Ryan isn't even considered.

Having a great punter is like being really good at masturbation. You can be proud, but no will want to talk about it.

Luckily for the Cowboys, Frampton has come alive.

Sometimes I wonder if Frampton being a special-teamer means that he's better at taking smart tackling angles and wrapping people up in the open-field. More so than Sensabaugh or Barry Church. Barry's more of a ball-hawk and Sensabaugh is a... well he's Gerald Sensabaugh.
2012-12-18 04:20:23 PM  
1 vote:

Cletus C.: The Packers are above the Seahawks yet the Seahawks beat the Packers earlier in the season. There's no explaining that.

Cletus, I know you pull this gimmick out for the politics tab, but there's no farking way you're this ignorant.
2012-12-18 03:58:04 PM  
1 vote:
robsul82: a face full of ass

Spaghetti Western porno or Mark Sanchez?
2012-12-18 02:58:37 PM  
1 vote:

Neeek: The Muthaship: Fark Griswald: ***snip***

Yes. Who is #2 is actually more surprising.

Najeh Davenport?
2012-12-18 02:56:48 PM  
1 vote:

The Muthaship: Misplaced yat: Ah, right, Griffin and Cousins of course. 8 players on 7 teams, then.

I wonder when the last time was that a team won 2 games with 2 different rookie starting QB's in the same season.

2010 Cardinals. Max Hall beat the Saints 30-20 in October, then John "Helton" Skelton beat the Broncos 43-13 in December.
2012-12-18 02:10:49 PM  
1 vote:

Holding the #2 spot for the second week in a row... THE DENVER BRONCOS!!! :D


\ Bud-Watch 2012 Update: My dog is scheduled for a CT scan at 3pm EST, with back surgery either sometime tomorrow or early Thursday. I should have him home for X-Mas. :-)
2012-12-18 02:06:49 PM  
1 vote:



1. The Chicago Bears did indeed set a low (or would that be high?) bar for futility, managing to convert zero third downs. Under

2. Although it was an overtime game, Tony broke the Steelers streak of 20 games without allowing a 300-yard passer. Over

3. In one of the most lopsided statistical anomalies I've studied this season, the eagles have 10.5x as many lost fumbles as the Houston Texans. The birdies have 21 lost fumbles compared to the Texans 2. Over.

Whose Line Is It Anyway?

1.13/27 127 yards, TD 2 Fumbles, 6 sacks belongs to Andy Dalton, who managed to win by 21 points in spite of eating 6 sacks and turning the ball over twice. I bet he wishes he could play the Eagles every week.

2. 14/21 104 yards, INT, 1 Sack belongs to Ryan Lindley, who put up that stat line in a 28 point win over the Lions. Yes, I am aware of how ridiculous that is.

3. 35/55, 377 yards, 3 TD, INT, 4 Sacks belongs to Sam Bradford who lit up the stat sheet. Unfortunately (like my fantasy football team) he played against Adrian Peterson and subsequently walked out with a 14 point loss, qualifying him for most ridiculous stat-line in a loss and making him the subject of our bonus question.

Record Setters:

1. The record-holder for 200 yard games, slashing through defenses and driving the dagger into the opposing defenses is O.J. Simpson, with 6 200 yard games.

2. The 3 guys ahead of Randy Moss for the all-time TD leaderboard? Jerry Rice, Emmitt Smith, Ladainian Tomlinson.

3. Kenny Stabler might have been the best QB at being allowed to stay in and keep throwing picks, but the Hall of Famer throwing all the DAGRONS he ever wanted was Terry Bradshaw, who had 12 games with 4 or more INTs. And he won 3 of them!

Some scores for people who turned in full answer sheets:

Dr Dreidel: 5
my_cats_breath_smells_like_cat_food: 5
CipollinaFan: 4
GiantRex: 3
2012-12-18 02:06:48 PM  
1 vote:

SacriliciousBeerSwiller: Trivia Jockey: The Bears are sinking like a submarine with screen doors.

Cards are up this week though. Which is nice.

I wonder which team will be who we thought they were.
2012-12-18 01:45:48 PM  
1 vote:
the Seahawks keep putting down 50 on Little Sisters of the Poor.

FTFY subby.
2012-12-18 01:25:17 PM  
1 vote:

ShadowLAnCeR: Quasar: ShadowLAnCeR: All I have to say is:

LETS GO 49ers!


/also whar grafs
//whar jake
///whar fails?

You get a graph when CK shaves that landing strip off his chin.

Hehheh....I'll concede that.

Landing Strip? I thought that was a ball cleaner for Al Michaels.
2012-12-18 01:12:25 PM  
1 vote:
Have the best record in the league, and coming off a 34-0 drubbing of the defending champions and stay ranked #5? Can't explain that.
2012-12-18 11:56:55 AM  
1 vote:

nmrsnr: (12) 8 New York (G)

you give them a of credit. I'm a Giants fan, and I think that's high.
2012-12-18 10:50:45 AM  
1 vote:
The Bears are sinking like a submarine with screen doors.
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