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(Time)   Big Bird, what's a divorce? A divorce is when your daddy gets caught banging the secretary and has to go live in another city, and you have to live with your mommy who is going to be angry at you all the time and cry a lot   (healthland.time.com) divider line 33
    More: Interesting, Big Bird, Sesame Workshop, Oscar the Grouch, divorces  
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13950 clicks; posted to Main » on 11 Dec 2012 at 11:55 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2012-12-11 08:42:00 AM  
7 votes:
In a year or so, you will get a younger, prettier Mommy with bigger boobs. She will be like the older sister you never had!
2012-12-11 01:00:39 PM  
5 votes:
Well, little girl. Do you know why Big Bird wanders around the street and has a crummy, little nest next to a brownstone? Because he's divorced, that's why.

I came home one day to my split level bird house and my key wouldn't work. I called Mrs. Bird from the gas station down the street and she said we were breaking up. The lawyer brought the paperwork up to the office and made a stink about it. Word moved quickly through the office. Back then, they could fire you if you weren't "the family type".

So, I'm out of work and no one will hire a big yellow bird to do Lotus Notes Administration. The market is just too small. Especially with zero Domino experience. I'm living with my brother and his wife keeps nudging him, asking him when the couch anchor is moving out. But hey. What's another step down the ladder?

When you're getting divorced, you gotta go to court to settle everything. They set a "Court Date". That's when you are supposed to show up and tell the court your side of the issue and the judge make a valid, sane ruling. But the wife, her new boyfriend and the lawyer keep changing the court date. Well, the one time I'm out of town on a job interview, they rush the court. The ex-wife - that's what you call your wife after the judge slams a little hammer down, declares you divorced and that she gets to keep the house, the furnishings, the cars and alimony based on what you were making the day the papers got served. I got other words for her but PBS won't let me use 'em. Because I wasn't there, I couldn't tell the judge I don't have two nickels and even if I did, she wasn't getting either one. So now I have a judgement of past and future alimony owed hanging over my head.

So even if I get a job, they'll garnish my wages, so I'm forced to suckle at Uncle Sucker's teat until the day I die. Either that, or I change my name, move to Kentucky and get a job artificially inseminating horses. And guess what, little girl? Not even for Secretariat's sperm does a filly want this wing shoved up her va-jay-jay.

So, little girl. Thanks for the little kick down Memory Lane. I gotta get back to the nest. It's garbage day and sometimes the men try to throw my nest on the truck. It's pretty much the only adult interaction I have any more. So, when you meet a little boy, just think about all they ways you can mess up his life. Maybe the Count can count them for you. Here he comes now. Hey Count, count the ways a little girl like this can screw over a little boy.

Count: Hey buddy. My ex had me tossed from my coffin at the break of noon. Count how many ways you can get the shaft from a girl? Blah. Even the Count can't count that high. Hey. they're pouring stale beer in to the gutter behind the strip club. Wanna go slurp up some gutter brew?

Big Bird: And I thought today was gonna suck just as much as yesterday and all the days before. Screw the nest. I hope they haul it off. Was mostly asbestos anyways. Let's go.
2012-12-11 12:06:11 PM  
4 votes:

Valiente: quatchi: We're about to witness the strength of street knowledge?

Then there was the crucial distinction of timing: Snuffy had experienced his divorce in the present; he was upset, angry, crying. His emotions were raw. But Abby would reveal her story as something that happened in the past - an important distinction, say researchers, to show kids that she's made it to the other side.

Good way to go with it. I'm honestly surprised it took two decades for them to broach the subject again.

Don't ask, don't tell.

/where's Elmo's fist?


2.bp.blogspot.com
2012-12-11 09:36:57 AM  
3 votes:
Well it wasn't all Daddy's fault, HR sent her up:

img402.imageshack.us

A man is only so strong...
2012-12-11 09:00:59 AM  
3 votes:
A divorce is when your mommy and daddy don't love each other any more, and its all your fault.
2012-12-11 02:29:41 PM  
2 votes:

Brick-House: Elmo: what's anal sex?


Look down.
2012-12-11 12:42:42 PM  
2 votes:
Now that we've explored divorce, let's follow up with the sequel:

images2.wikia.nocookie.net

Daddy's New Wife Timothy
2012-12-11 12:28:45 PM  
2 votes:

Lsherm: Seems like the kids picked up pretty quickly that mommy and daddy's happiness was clearly more important than their own. This is a lesson that should be taught early.


Except when the kids can clearly see that dad's miserable because frigid, joyless coont of a mom treats him like a doormat and no matter how much they go to the therapist, she still continues to be a domineering, controlling, narcissist coont and in fact both kids comment on how much more fun dad is with his new wife and can do we have to go back to mom's house already.

/5 Year Old Son "Dad, how come you look so sad all the time?"
//Same Son the following year "Dad, how come mom's always telling you what to do but I never see you telling her what to do?
///Well, son, see, when I married your mom, it seemed like a good idea at the time. It turns out that once she has what she wants, like a house and kids and sober husband who earns a good living and presents well, she moves on to new goals. Sort of like when you put an old toy on the shelf and aren't interested in it anymore? I'm your mom's old toy and she's all about her career. We sure have nice wainscoting in the dining room, though, huh?
2012-12-11 12:27:21 PM  
2 votes:
i.chzbgr.com
2012-12-11 12:24:27 PM  
2 votes:

ChipNASA: Valiente: quatchi: We're about to witness the strength of street knowledge?

Then there was the crucial distinction of timing: Snuffy had experienced his divorce in the present; he was upset, angry, crying. His emotions were raw. But Abby would reveal her story as something that happened in the past - an important distinction, say researchers, to show kids that she's made it to the other side.

Good way to go with it. I'm honestly surprised it took two decades for them to broach the subject again.

Don't ask, don't tell.

/where's Elmo's fist?

[2.bp.blogspot.com image 300x400]


The follow up episode:

www.westseattlefunblog.com
2012-12-11 12:15:17 PM  
2 votes:

Stone Meadow: Yeah, only in my case it was mommy who ran off to California leaving my dad with 5 kids and a crop in the field.


She picked a fine time to do that.
2012-12-11 08:12:49 AM  
2 votes:
You forgot mom using you as a pawn, subbs.
2012-12-11 02:46:22 PM  
1 votes:
There are times when I wonder about my own marriage.

I worry that I've settled for too much comfort and ease, and not enough passion.

I find myself wishing that Mrs_Fab was fundamentally different in some way, and more aligned with my sensibilities and point of view.

There are things she does that will grate on my nerves worse than nails on a chalkboard. And worse, I know there are things about my own character that must be irritating her even worse... but she won't say what they are.

Yes, there are times when I begin to wonder whether I've made a 25-year mistake.

But then I come here, to Fark, where cold reality is laid bare and raw and hideously naked. And my faith is fully restored, as if a miraculous spring has cleansed my very soul.

Because, man... you guys are farking damaged.

/shudder
2012-12-11 01:50:57 PM  
1 votes:

old_toole: asmodeus224: Divorce is totally fine for kids, just look at all the well adjusted FArkers in this thread.

Wow, seriously, you guys are a mess. There isn't enough vodka or therapy in the world for some of you, is there?

Nope we just deal with it.


The irony for me is that this thread links to an article from Time, and there are actually more issues in here than Time magazine ever put out.

Good luck you miserable bastards!
2012-12-11 01:49:34 PM  
1 votes:
These don't count as divorces, of course, but I used to work with a woman who would date a guy, get engaged and call off the entire thing a few months before the ceremony (when the deposits had already been put down on the hall, catering, dresses/suits etc). She did this THREE times in about 4 years. After the third time her divorced parents, who normally avoid each other at all costs, contacted each other on the phone, went to her apartment together and gave her the "maybe marriage isn't for you... we're not paying for any more weddings because they never happen" talk. She's more or less given up on dating now because if she finds someone she wants to marry she doesn't want to have to explain why her well-off parents won't foot ½ the bill. Someone suggested eloping or having a small ceremony with a justice of the peace and she was horrified. *sigh*

/Calling off one wedding before it happens? I can see that happening
/Two? Well... okay but don't let it happen again
/Three?! You're on your own.
2012-12-11 01:05:58 PM  
1 votes:

AngryJailhouseFistfark: Except when the kids can clearly see that dad's miserable because frigid, joyless coont of a mom treats him like a doormat and no matter how much they go to the therapist, she still continues to be a domineering, controlling, narcissist coont


You know my wife?

imfallen_angel: During the custody battle, she pulled every trick, no punch held back, every possible accusations.... it all ended up biting her right back.

She made it clear that all that mattered was either that I'd go back, or make me pay for leaving.


This is exactly what I'm going through right now. My wife officially blackmailed me three nights ago (you will drop the ad litem, give me the house and the kids, or I will call the police). I contacted the lawyer and they sent her a cease and decist letter.

She offered me a settlement last night, laughable, but I'm taking it as a good sign.
2012-12-11 12:58:40 PM  
1 votes:

Generation_D: A divorce is when your mommy and daddy don't love each other any more, and its all your fault.


My stepdad told me that if he and my mom got divorced it'd be my fault. I told him I'd consider that my greatest achievement.

/yeah, he was awful
2012-12-11 12:38:43 PM  
1 votes:

ChipNASA: Nightsweat: [media.tumblr.com image 200x247][media.tumblr.com image 200x247][media.tumblr.com image 200x247]

You're just doing that because I finally found an animated gif of that, that was small enough for Fark.comTM

[media.tumblr.com image 200x247][media.tumblr.com image 200x247][media.tumblr.com image 200x247][media.tumblr.com image 200x247][media.tumblr.com image 200x247][media.tumblr.com image 200x247][media.tumblr.com image 200x247]


Why am I thinking about motorboating in heavy seas?
2012-12-11 12:37:58 PM  
1 votes:
cdn.9laughs.com
2012-12-11 12:34:33 PM  
1 votes:
Some angry boys with mommy issues in here.

And angry (ex)husbands.

/Staying together for the kids
//Just kidding. But some days...
2012-12-11 12:33:04 PM  
1 votes:

JackieRabbit: Next Up: Elmo does a segment on fisting.


Valiente: quatchi: We're about to witness the strength of street knowledge?

Then there was the crucial distinction of timing: Snuffy had experienced his divorce in the present; he was upset, angry, crying. His emotions were raw. But Abby would reveal her story as something that happened in the past - an important distinction, say researchers, to show kids that she's made it to the other side.

Good way to go with it. I'm honestly surprised it took two decades for them to broach the subject again.

Don't ask, don't tell.

/where's Elmo's fist?


i758.photobucket.com
2012-12-11 12:26:13 PM  
1 votes:

eas81: ChipNASA: Valiente: quatchi: We're about to witness the strength of street knowledge?

Then there was the crucial distinction of timing: Snuffy had experienced his divorce in the present; he was upset, angry, crying. His emotions were raw. But Abby would reveal her story as something that happened in the past - an important distinction, say researchers, to show kids that she's made it to the other side.

Good way to go with it. I'm honestly surprised it took two decades for them to broach the subject again.

Don't ask, don't tell.

/where's Elmo's fist?

[2.bp.blogspot.com image 300x400]

The follow up episode:

[www.westseattlefunblog.com image 737x626]


The Kermit Sex Tape
i235.photobucket.com

(That's why he was crying in the shower...he got busted. )
2012-12-11 12:22:17 PM  
1 votes:

Nightsweat: [media.tumblr.com image 200x247][media.tumblr.com image 200x247][media.tumblr.com image 200x247]


You're just doing that because I finally found an animated gif of that, that was small enough for Fark.comTM


media.tumblr.commedia.tumblr.commedia.tumblr.commedia.tumblr.commedia.tumblr.commedia.tumblr.commedia.tumblr.com
2012-12-11 12:14:33 PM  
1 votes:

New Mommy a Lot Prettier

The Onion
2012-12-11 12:09:49 PM  
1 votes:
media.tumblr.com

/you can thank me later
2012-12-11 12:07:35 PM  
1 votes:
Big Bird, what's a divorce? A divorce is when your daddy Mommy gets caught banging the secretary a student and has to go live in another city to jail, and you have to live with your mommy daddy who is going to be angry at you all the time and cry a lot because he wasn't getting any of it.
2012-12-11 12:02:29 PM  
1 votes:

KellyKellyKelly: FlyingLizardOfDoom: I thought snuffy was big bird's imaginary friend.

Nah, they made him real because the grown-ups on Sesame Street not believing in Snuffy apparently were akin to grown-ups not believing their kids when they told Mommy and Daddy about being diddled by their teacher/priest/relative/whatnot.

/really


wait, so... Snuffy put his trunk on the Big Bird's junk?
2012-12-11 12:01:37 PM  
1 votes:
2.bp.blogspot.com
2012-12-11 11:59:03 AM  
1 votes:
Next Up: Elmo does a segment on fisting.
2012-12-11 10:11:54 AM  
1 votes:
Meanwhile, Mr. Hooper is still dead.
2012-12-11 10:10:04 AM  
1 votes:
See honey.. there's a place called heaven and a place called hell
A place called prison and a place called jail
And da-da's probably on his way to all of em except one
Cause mama's got a new husband and a stepson
And you don't want a brother do ya? (Nah)
Maybe when you're old enough to understand a little better
I'll explain it to ya
But for now we'll just say mama was real real bad
She was bein mean to dad and made him real real mad
But I still feel sad that I put her on time-out
2012-12-11 09:00:35 AM  
1 votes:
Wow.

Based on the headline and the existing comments, I confidently predict that the degree of projection that's going to come out in this thread will be enough to make Mitt Romney look entirely sane, rational, and well-adjusted.

/ parents divorced, it sucked, I got better
// interesting article. Sesame Street really does its homework
2012-12-11 08:20:44 AM  
1 votes:
Living with her mommy = Henson's London Creature Shop
Living with her daddy = Henson's New York City Creature Shop
 
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