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(Today)   Article about how to have great sex as parents written by someone who either isn't a parent, has only one child and/or can afford to not raise their own kids   (today.com) divider line 103
    More: Unlikely, intimate relationship, parents  
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9472 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Dec 2012 at 1:44 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-12-08 02:48:47 PM  

rubi_con_man: megarian: I'm tired of doing all the work. Le sexy time would be vastly improved if I wasn't the only one putting in effort.

Kids + sex = too much work.

I think I need to get a pool boy. Might be suspicious... I don't have a pool.

If you're the girl and you are doing all the work that means that you are too bossy in bed.

Trust me : If you told you man to "take you any way you (he) sees fit" he could manage it.

Your preconceived notions of what married sex should be like is what killed your married sex.


I would love to agree, but he's really lazy.

I am not picky. Or bossy. Maybe I should be bossy an just order him around ;)
 
2012-12-08 02:50:54 PM  

whistleridge: 2. Don't let kids in the house


You know how some folks have outside dogs? Well, I'm thinking about having a yard kid. I'll build him a treehouse or something, leave food at the back door, and get him one of those large water coolers run from an extension cord out of the garage. No way that little bastard gets in the house.
 
2012-12-08 02:51:36 PM  

dickfreckle: whistleridge: 2. Don't let kids in the house

You know how some folks have outside dogs? Well, I'm thinking about having a yard kid. I'll build him a treehouse or something, leave food at the back door, and get him one of those large water coolers run from an extension cord out of the garage. No way that little bastard gets in the house.


This this and this
 
2012-12-08 02:55:34 PM  

dickfreckle: whistleridge: 2. Don't let kids in the house

You know how some folks have outside dogs? Well, I'm thinking about having a yard kid. I'll build him a treehouse or something, leave food at the back door, and get him one of those large water coolers run from an extension cord out of the garage. No way that little bastard gets in the house.


Easier: take him over to the Home Depot each morning and drop him off with the other day laborers. Tell him there's a cot in the garage once he earns enough for his food and a cab ride home. Once he established a routine, start charging $100/week rent. Pretty soon, the little shiat will be totally self-supporting, AND you'll have more sexytime with the wife.

/ that, or just don't have the little farkers in the first place. it's not like we're not already massively overpopulated anyways
 
2012-12-08 02:56:50 PM  
images.orgill.com 

instant privacy
 
2012-12-08 02:57:51 PM  

megarian: rubi_con_man: megarian: I'm tired of doing all the work. Le sexy time would be vastly improved if I wasn't the only one putting in effort.

Kids + sex = too much work.

I think I need to get a pool boy. Might be suspicious... I don't have a pool.

If you're the girl and you are doing all the work that means that you are too bossy in bed.

Trust me : If you told you man to "take you any way you (he) sees fit" he could manage it.

Your preconceived notions of what married sex should be like is what killed your married sex.

I would love to agree, but he's really lazy.

I am not picky. Or bossy. Maybe I should be bossy an just order him around ;)


(clicks profile)

He's lazy?! Life is so goddamned unfair.
 
2012-12-08 03:00:25 PM  
So about this "great sex" again... Could someone please enlighten me as to the how and the wherefore, etc.?? pics, video and other suggestions would be appreciated. please type slowly as it is hard to write with only one hand. Please be as specific as possible....
 
2012-12-08 03:04:17 PM  

thisisyourbrainonFark: megarian: rubi_con_man: megarian: I'm tired of doing all the work. Le sexy time would be vastly improved if I wasn't the only one putting in effort.

Kids + sex = too much work.

I think I need to get a pool boy. Might be suspicious... I don't have a pool.

If you're the girl and you are doing all the work that means that you are too bossy in bed.

Trust me : If you told you man to "take you any way you (he) sees fit" he could manage it.

Your preconceived notions of what married sex should be like is what killed your married sex.

I would love to agree, but he's really lazy.

I am not picky. Or bossy. Maybe I should be bossy an just order him around ;)

(clicks profile)

He's lazy?! Life is so goddamned unfair.


I'm going to start slipping meth in his coffee.

Kidding.

Kidding?
 
2012-12-08 03:06:57 PM  

skullkrusher: willicus: My wife is 35 weeks pregnant with our first, so I'm looking forward to our sex lives going back to normal in a few weeks.

/What? Why is everybody laughing?

my wife's sex drive went into overtime when she was preggo. Now, not so much. Little Life Ruiners

/congrats and good luck!


Had that happy time with our first kid too. It contributed to my go ahead for number two. Sadly, that lightning didn't strike twice and insomnia put a big damper on the fun (1 1/2 times in 40 weeks). But with both kids, she has been very ok and willing to let me fulfill my lactation fetish.
 
2012-12-08 03:07:26 PM  

eltejon: skullkrusher: willicus: My wife is 35 weeks pregnant with our first, so I'm looking forward to our sex lives going back to normal in a few weeks.

/What? Why is everybody laughing?

my wife's sex drive went into overtime when she was preggo. Now, not so much. Little Life Ruiners

/congrats and good luck!

Had that happy time with our first kid too. It contributed to my go ahead for number two. Sadly, that lightning didn't strike twice and insomnia put a big damper on the fun (1 1/2 times in 40 weeks). But with both kids, she has been very ok and willing to let me fulfill my lactation fetish.


That was way more than any of us needed to know.
 
2012-12-08 03:07:32 PM  

dickfreckle: whistleridge: 2. Don't let kids in the house

You know how some folks have outside dogs? Well, I'm thinking about having a yard kid. I'll build him a treehouse or something, leave food at the back door, and get him one of those large water coolers run from an extension cord out of the garage. No way that little bastard gets in the house.


i have 3 boys so it is like having outdoor animals.

/then again I am a single dad so the issue of sex is moot
 
2012-12-08 03:08:04 PM  

eltejon: skullkrusher: willicus: My wife is 35 weeks pregnant with our first, so I'm looking forward to our sex lives going back to normal in a few weeks.

/What? Why is everybody laughing?

my wife's sex drive went into overtime when she was preggo. Now, not so much. Little Life Ruiners

/congrats and good luck!

Had that happy time with our first kid too. It contributed to my go ahead for number two. Sadly, that lightning didn't strike twice and insomnia put a big damper on the fun (1 1/2 times in 40 weeks). But with both kids, she has been very ok and willing to let me fulfill my lactation fetish.


Jesus, TMI, man, TMI.
 
2012-12-08 03:09:45 PM  
I'm married and have kids and I use Vaseline for sex purposes.

I put it on the doorknob so the kids can't come in.

/stolen
 
2012-12-08 03:10:32 PM  

eltejon: But with both kids, she has been very ok and willing to let me fulfill my lactation fetish.


sweet jumping bean jesus, is this like the adult baby fetish with the diapers and everything?
 
2012-12-08 03:16:50 PM  
All of those reasons sounds like female excuses, not male.
 
2012-12-08 03:19:05 PM  
sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net
 
2012-12-08 03:28:18 PM  

ManRay: All of those reasons sounds like female excuses, not male.


Probably because they are:

Laurie Watson is a certified sex therapist and author of Wanting Sex Again - How to Rediscover Desire and Heal a Sexless Marriage.

Somehow I get the feeling that all of her 'material' is geared towards women.
 
2012-12-08 03:32:49 PM  

rubi_con_man: Trust me : If you told you man to "take you any way you (he) sees fit" he could manage it.


Disagree. Bad sex is bad sex regardless of how much I play along with what he wants to do
 
2012-12-08 03:33:22 PM  
Here's my CSB to go with the thread.

When I was in my late 20s, my first marriage wasn't going well, and I was pretty depressed in part because it had been months since we'd had sex. During that time, I was visiting my parents, who were in their late 60s. I noticed that my mom kept getting up to go to the bathroom, so I asked my dad about it. He said she'd gotten a yeast infection. I mentioned that my wife had gotten those and they were pretty easy to deal with. I explained that there's a cream that she should use and they just have to abstain from sex for a couple weeks, and it should clear up quickly.

My dad's face literally went ashen. He said "TWO WEEKS? Are you KIDDING me? Isn't there some other way?" and on and on he went. He could hardly imagine it. I honestly didn't know what to say.

I managed not to commit suicide that night.
 
2012-12-08 03:33:40 PM  

Spaz-master: [sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net image 720x537]


1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-12-08 03:38:20 PM  

picturescrazy: No kids but my wife hasn't had a period in 74 days now. Still fails pregnancy tests. I think maybe it's time for a blood test.


Maybe examine diet and exercise - especially if she's not getting enough fat in her diet. Need that to make hormones. Need hormones to form babby.
 
2012-12-08 03:43:08 PM  

skullkrusher: Little Life Ruiners


That's how I see children. Hoping to never have to put up with them, since I'm sure if I had to I'd just resent them and kids are smart enough to pick up on that sort of attitude.
 
2012-12-08 03:45:59 PM  
1. Acquire bed with massive headboard
2. Loosen screws at headboard junction
3. Pull bed 3in away from wall
4. Tell the children the banging is a monster under the bed
5. Profit
 
2012-12-08 03:53:56 PM  

rubi_con_man: Get divorced;

as far as I can tell, the happiest 'parents' I can see are those who get to dump their kids on their Ex and go on a farky-farky vacation with their BF or GF


When Mrs. Smurf and I don't have the kids with it us it's party time. What you say is true, when the kids are away the parents will play. Oh yes, play and play rough. She likes it rough. And dirty . I'm saying too much but she's watching me type this and she likes it. We're farked up people and we know it.
 
2012-12-08 03:57:14 PM  

JohnnyC: ManRay: All of those reasons sounds like female excuses, not male.

Probably because they are:

Laurie Watson is a certified sex therapist and author of Wanting Sex Again - How to Rediscover Desire and Heal a Sexless Marriage.

Somehow I get the feeling that all of her 'material' is geared towards women.


She sounds fat.

/oblig.
 
2012-12-08 04:04:25 PM  
Meh,our kid is a year and a half and the sex life between the wife and me has been steadily improving since before we even got married. just make your partner and sex a priority and it comes naturally (snicker). honestly, best and most frequent sex of our lives right now.
 
2012-12-08 04:13:01 PM  
www.milfotos.org
 
2012-12-08 04:15:26 PM  

Gig103: skullkrusher: Little Life Ruiners

That's how I see children. Hoping to never have to put up with them, since I'm sure if I had to I'd just resent them and kids are smart enough to pick up on that sort of attitude.


I hope that either a) you never have kids or b) they can say later "I never knew my real dad but I hear he was kind of a selfish ass. Thank god mom left him and married Jim, he's awesome and loves us"
 
2012-12-08 04:51:17 PM  
As someone who had 2 hours worth of fantastic sex this morning..id be getting a kick out of these replies, except that im too mellow to give a fark :)

/has kids
//priorities: marriage first...kids are 2nd.
///stop being helicopter parents
 
2012-12-08 04:53:15 PM  

pxlboy: eltejon: skullkrusher: willicus: My wife is 35 weeks pregnant with our first, so I'm looking forward to our sex lives going back to normal in a few weeks.

/What? Why is everybody laughing?

my wife's sex drive went into overtime when she was preggo. Now, not so much. Little Life Ruiners

/congrats and good luck!

Had that happy time with our first kid too. It contributed to my go ahead for number two. Sadly, that lightning didn't strike twice and insomnia put a big damper on the fun (1 1/2 times in 40 weeks). But with both kids, she has been very ok and willing to let me fulfill my lactation fetish.

That was way more than any of us needed to know.


I lol'd.

Nothing like an eye-full of breastmilk right as you are about to finish to kinda disrupt the moment lol
 
2012-12-08 04:54:40 PM  
just hopin for sex pictures.

i'll move on.........disappoint
 
2012-12-08 05:36:24 PM  

SirDigbyChickenCaesar: Gig103: skullkrusher: Little Life Ruiners

That's how I see children. Hoping to never have to put up with them, since I'm sure if I had to I'd just resent them and kids are smart enough to pick up on that sort of attitude.

I hope that either a) you never have kids or b) they can say later "I never knew my real dad but I hear he was kind of a selfish ass. Thank god mom left him and married Jim, he's awesome and loves us"


Oh so knowing that you would be a bad parent and therefore deciding not to become one is a dick move? I don't like kids and I don't want to put up with one, so I don't have any.
 
2012-12-08 05:40:20 PM  

Zarquon's Flat Tire: Oh so knowing that you would be a bad parent and therefore deciding not to become one is a dick move? I don't like kids and I don't want to put up with one, so I don't have any.


More like dick ninjutsu.
 
2012-12-08 05:40:58 PM  
Married 20 years, three kids. We make sexy time a priority. It takes the edge off life for us; puts things in perspective, relaxes us. And it just seems to get better every time, if that's possible.

1) We put the kids to bed an hour before we're totally exhausted. They know that unless they're bleeding, vomiting, or smelling smoke, that they must not get out of bed under penalty of death.
2) We don't do anything in bed besides talk, sex, and sleep. No food, no TV, no arguing, no "housekeeping" talk.
3) We only have sex when we both want to have sex.
4) We go to bed having no expectations, just relaxing and having fun.
5) We don't try to have sex when one of us is ill or really stressed or exhausted.
6) We've never had sex with anyone else, so we have no one else to compare us to.
7) We take our time and, on those occasional instances when it's just not happening, we smile and call it a night.
8) I try very hard to pleasure her first, at least once, before allowing myself to, um, make a deposit.
9) We never go do bed mad; if we've had an argument we stay up as late as we need to.
10) We have a series of variations we normally do, like, I guess, most people do, but we very rarely just do it missionary and get it over with. I guess we're sorta snobs or connoisseurs about it.

I gotta say, I'm shocked at how good it is. I may be lucky; my wife has always wanted sex, sometimes even more than I have. Right now, we're at it about three times a week. That's an average; some weeks are more or less. Funny thing is, or maybe it's not funny, maybe it totally makes sense, I spent my entire teenage life alone, bored, and horny, and figured it would always be so. But now I'm 43 and get more sex than I figured I ever would at 16.
 
2012-12-08 06:04:38 PM  

Zarquon's Flat Tire: SirDigbyChickenCaesar: Gig103: skullkrusher: Little Life Ruiners

That's how I see children. Hoping to never have to put up with them, since I'm sure if I had to I'd just resent them and kids are smart enough to pick up on that sort of attitude.

I hope that either a) you never have kids or b) they can say later "I never knew my real dad but I hear he was kind of a selfish ass. Thank god mom left him and married Jim, he's awesome and loves us"

Oh so knowing that you would be a bad parent and therefore deciding not to become one is a dick move? I don't like kids and I don't want to put up with one, so I don't have any.


Not sure how you read that but no, I don't think that.
 
2012-12-08 06:36:59 PM  

skullkrusher: willicus: My wife is 35 weeks pregnant with our first, so I'm looking forward to our sex lives going back to normal in a few weeks.

/What? Why is everybody laughing?

my wife's sex drive went into overtime when she was preggo. Now, not so much. Little Life Ruiners

/congrats and good luck!


We were so looking forward to the "sex is super awesome when you're pregnant" time. We should have known. We already had great sex, but he had been convinced if I went off the hormones, we'd have even better, more frequent sex. And he was right... no birth control hormones = massive amounts of really good sex. Birth control pills reduce my sex drive. What do pills mimic? PREGNANCY. Pregnancy killed my sex drive. And worse, it killed his. Now all we can do is hope once the baby get here I stop emitting the "I'm pregnant" pheromones and recover from the pregnancy hormones and things return to how they were. :(
 
2012-12-08 06:43:37 PM  

SirDigbyChickenCaesar: Gig103: skullkrusher: Little Life Ruiners

That's how I see children. Hoping to never have to put up with them, since I'm sure if I had to I'd just resent them and kids are smart enough to pick up on that sort of attitude.

I hope that either a) you never have kids or b) they can say later "I never knew my real dad but I hear he was kind of a selfish ass. Thank god mom left him and married Jim, he's awesome and loves us"


(a) sounds good to me.
 
2012-12-08 07:18:23 PM  
My wife and I are having sex with kids in the house right now!

/wait... that didn't come out right...
 
2012-12-08 07:19:55 PM  

HeadbangerSmurf: My wife and I have been having great sex since we first met. It's all about drugging your kids, I mean, putting them to bed early...


static.guim.co.uk 
Say what?
 
2012-12-08 08:08:21 PM  
Hmmm, middle aged, check. Work too much. check. Tired all the freakin' time. check, check. Not enough money for certain things, check again.
Kid at home, yup who once walked in on us during. *shudder* Now we have a lock on the door, times are designated and a knock only policy for the kid. He's 13 so we're at that stage, le sigh not really sheltering but not wanting to horrify either, lol. But we still can bang the shutters off the house a few times a week without interruption :)
 
2012-12-08 08:16:46 PM  

eltejon: skullkrusher: willicus: My wife is 35 weeks pregnant with our first, so I'm looking forward to our sex lives going back to normal in a few weeks.

/What? Why is everybody laughing?

my wife's sex drive went into overtime when she was preggo. Now, not so much. Little Life Ruiners

/congrats and good luck!

Had that happy time with our first kid too. It contributed to my go ahead for number two. Sadly, that lightning didn't strike twice and insomnia put a big damper on the fun (1 1/2 times in 40 weeks). But with both kids, she has been very ok and willing to let me fulfill my lactation fetish.


How did she get you to lactate?
 
2012-12-08 08:50:51 PM  
Sorry, Subtard, article is pretty spot-on. Prioritize sex over other things (e.g. planning birthday parties your kids won't even remember), prioritize your spouse's needs over your kids' whiny wants or social pressures. Sorry you're in an unhealthy marriage and/or obsessive relationship with your non-dominant hand instead of with a mature adult woman but those of us who have both kids and successful marriages are perfectly happy taking the attitudes the article suggests.

/if you make lots of noise while your newborn sleeps, she will sleep through crazy screaming orgasms later in life just fine

//"lots of noise" includes crazy screaming orgasms
 
2012-12-08 09:08:04 PM  

picturescrazy: No kids but my wife hasn't had a period in 74 days now. Still fails pregnancy tests. I think maybe it's time for a blood test.


Lots of tests. Sounds like PCOS, which causes very irregular periods and is the #1 cause of infertility for women. Have it myself; I hadn't had a period in six months when I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant with my first child. It's not a no-kids-ever sentence, but you may need some help. Or not. No real way to tell without getting tested.

/had babby 3 weeks ago; still in the no nookie stage :(
//5th kid, so obviously it's possible to have sex and kids
///if it wasn't good, I wouldn't have it
 
2012-12-08 09:18:04 PM  
You know, I have 3 kids and am happily married. Having sex 2-3 times a day with wifey right now. Just last night we went at it from 1am to 2am. Yeah sure we had our "dry" spells going almost a month at times but no complaints here. Our secret is that we really love each other.
 
2012-12-08 10:02:22 PM  

bigstoopidbruce: Married 20 years, three kids. We make sexy time a priority. It takes the edge off life for us; puts things in perspective, relaxes us. And it just seems to get better every time, if that's possible.

1) We put the kids to bed an hour before we're totally exhausted. They know that unless they're bleeding, vomiting, or smelling smoke, that they must not get out of bed under penalty of death.
2) We don't do anything in bed besides talk, sex, and sleep. No food, no TV, no arguing, no "housekeeping" talk.
3) We only have sex when we both want to have sex.
4) We go to bed having no expectations, just relaxing and having fun.
5) We don't try to have sex when one of us is ill or really stressed or exhausted.
6) We've never had sex with anyone else, so we have no one else to compare us to.
7) We take our time and, on those occasional instances when it's just not happening, we smile and call it a night.
8) I try very hard to pleasure her first, at least once, before allowing myself to, um, make a deposit.
9) We never go do bed mad; if we've had an argument we stay up as late as we need to.
10) We have a series of variations we normally do, like, I guess, most people do, but we very rarely just do it missionary and get it over with. I guess we're sorta snobs or connoisseurs about it.

I gotta say, I'm shocked at how good it is. I may be lucky; my wife has always wanted sex, sometimes even more than I have. Right now, we're at it about three times a week. That's an average; some weeks are more or less. Funny thing is, or maybe it's not funny, maybe it totally makes sense, I spent my entire teenage life alone, bored, and horny, and figured it would always be so. But now I'm 43 and get more sex than I figured I ever would at 16.


This is all worth re-reading. It isn't easy but it isn't rocket science, so remember that team Parents must be in charge, that kids should go to bed on a schedule and EARLY every night. A lot of good things in marriage spring from the kids being on a schedule so that all this other good stuff is doable.
 
2012-12-08 10:03:07 PM  
shiat she just told me to get the sheepskin and the ottoman. Come on kids, bedtime!
 
2012-12-08 10:08:21 PM  

bigstoopidbruce: Married 20 years, three kids. We make sexy time a priority. It takes the edge off life for us; puts things in perspective, relaxes us. And it just seems to get better every time, if that's possible.

1) We put the kids to bed an hour before we're totally exhausted. They know that unless they're bleeding, vomiting, or smelling smoke, that they must not get out of bed under penalty of death.
2) We don't do anything in bed besides talk, sex, and sleep. No food, no TV, no arguing, no "housekeeping" talk.
3) We only have sex when we both want to have sex.
4) We go to bed having no expectations, just relaxing and having fun.
5) We don't try to have sex when one of us is ill or really stressed or exhausted.
6) We've never had sex with anyone else, so we have no one else to compare us to.
7) We take our time and, on those occasional instances when it's just not happening, we smile and call it a night.
8) I try very hard to pleasure her first, at least once, before allowing myself to, um, make a deposit.
9) We never go do bed mad; if we've had an argument we stay up as late as we need to.
10) We have a series of variations we normally do, like, I guess, most people do, but we very rarely just do it missionary and get it over with. I guess we're sorta snobs or connoisseurs about it.

I gotta say, I'm shocked at how good it is. I may be lucky; my wife has always wanted sex, sometimes even more than I have. Right now, we're at it about three times a week. That's an average; some weeks are more or less. Funny thing is, or maybe it's not funny, maybe it totally makes sense, I spent my entire teenage life alone, bored, and horny, and figured it would always be so. But now I'm 43 and get more sex than I figured I ever would at 16.


Sounds like you're doing things right.
 
2012-12-09 12:17:55 AM  
I've explained to my fiancee, I am a woman of... passion. I have needs that I want met at least daily. One of the challenges we know we'll face is when we start to have kids, because my requirement will not change. Sex daily. The way I see it, the more you try to get to it, the more likely the odds you actually do get to do it. Vs... well maybe if we try for next tuesday... and then have something come up. Kids are outside playing? dinner is in the oven? sexy time! I also intend to do what my parents did. 8pm bedtime for kids. You don't have to be asleep but you have to be in your bed sleeping or reading and you may not leave your bed except to potty, or go get YOURSELF a glass of water. My sister and I never saw our parents after 9pm most days. it wasn't until we were older we figured out what they were doing. now we just bring it up at family dinners and giggle about it and watch my mom blush.
 
2012-12-09 02:56:13 AM  

Old Smokie: The world would be a lot better place if people with kids didn't have sex.


Or if people with sex didn't have kids.
/Kidding.
// Seriously, though, if your kids are going to come second or third in the hierarchy of concern, just save yourself the hassle and don't have kids- that way you can concentrate on what you care about most.
 
2012-12-09 03:04:53 AM  

Coastalgrl: KrispyKritter: no kids, sex free for so long can't remember what it feels like.

/shoot me. just, please, shoot me now

Your lady sounds like the woman I strive never to become.

Ladies: withholding sex from your man (partner) is a negative feedback loop. It only makes him/her upset and makes you biatchier and harder to deal with.


Nicely put considering a 76% Dumb Dork Awkward score; the feedback loop analogy, however, itself fully justifies the 90%+ Tech score. Well done.
 
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