FARK.com: (7473829) Big wishes, contagious diseases, and piss on your lap: the confessions of a mall store Santa

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		Big wishes, contagious diseases, and piss on your lap: the confessions of a mall store Santa (holidayblog.today.com)		49
		More: Amusing, big wish, St. Nick, Downtown Portland, American Girl, Carnegie Hall, shower scene, meltdown

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5021 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Dec 2012 at 11:27 AM | Favorite | share:

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blatz514		2012-12-07 11:30:42 AM

oldfarthenry		2012-12-07 11:30:50 AM

HO HO HO!
That ain't the north pole you're sittin' on, kiddies!
HO HO HO!

GCD		2012-12-07 11:31:37 AM

Mall Santa secrets

Bathysphere		2012-12-07 11:32:26 AM

I was Santa's elf at the mall, one year while still in high school. Hell is prying a cheeseburger out of an obese 8yo's hand, while his mother bellows at him. Also, Santa was mean and yelled at us in the break room.
/css

oldfarthenry		2012-12-07 11:34:58 AM

Bathysphere: I was Santa's elf at the mall, one year while still in high school.

Hey, fellas - how many of us are visualizing this right now?
i1151.photobucket.com

JackieRabbit		2012-12-07 11:36:27 AM

I've always thought of making a frightened two year old sit on Santa's lap as cruel. Kids that age are normally wary of and often frightened by strangers. When you take them into the crowded, loud, big decorated mall they are already sensory-overloaded. Putting them in the lap of some weirdly dressed stranger is just too much. Of course they are going to melt down. Santa doesn't mean anything to a child so young anyway.

miniflea		2012-12-07 11:37:49 AM

Is this a good place to mention I once worked with a guy who had another job as a mall Easter bunny and was by bizarre coincidence also a furry?

Random Anonymous Blackmail		2012-12-07 11:38:45 AM

Look at all the pretty white chillins

www.morethings.com

WTFDYW		2012-12-07 11:39:18 AM

GCD: Mall Santa secrets

Thank you for that.

brigid_fitch		2012-12-07 11:40:23 AM

miniflea: Is this a good place to mention I once worked with a guy who had another job as a mall Easter bunny and was by bizarre coincidence also a furry?

That's...frightening. But not a bizarre coincidence. I'm sure he sought out the job.

/Sadly, I know a couple of furries
//Nice guys but, even after 10 years, I still can't wrap my head around that particular lifestlye choice

Duke Phillips' Singing Bears		2012-12-07 11:40:35 AM

Random Anonymous Blackmail: Look at all the pretty white chillins

[www.morethings.com image 720x480]

You'll pay what you owe, Santa! You pay what you owe, n*gg*h!

daisiem		2012-12-07 11:40:58 AM

My kids visited Santa Phil in Portland every year. He's the best Santa ever.The kids believed he was the real thing. Then Macy's pulled the plug on him. Bah Humbug.

baronvonzipper		2012-12-07 11:41:11 AM

oldfarthenry: Bathysphere: I was Santa's elf at the mall, one year while still in high school.

Hey, fellas - how many of us are visualizing this right now?
[i1151.photobucket.com image 250x200]

I only need one hand to run a mouse.

JayGrrl		2012-12-07 11:42:44 AM

JackieRabbit: I've always thought of making a frightened two year old sit on Santa's lap as cruel. Kids that age are normally wary of and often frightened by strangers. When you take them into the crowded, loud, big decorated mall they are already sensory-overloaded. Putting them in the lap of some weirdly dressed stranger is just too much. Of course they are going to melt down. Santa doesn't mean anything to a child so young anyway.

Bullshiat. I knew Santa at 2 years old. I knew him after I turned one, wondering why he was raiding my kitchen (for booze.) Mom hired a random cousin to dress up as Santa for us and I was introduced to the slightly logged roly poly jolly sack that brought us presents.

DerAppie		2012-12-07 11:44:06 AM

So what subby is saying is that Santa isn'r a sloppy drinker but that Santa spill his whisky to desinfect his beard?

cgraves67		2012-12-07 11:44:14 AM

miniflea: Is this a good place to mention I once worked with a guy who had another job as a mall Easter bunny and was by bizarre coincidence also a furry?

On the one hand, that's his dream job. On the other, I smell a conflict of interest. But if he's so much a furry that he only gets off on yarfing, or whatever they call it, with other furries, then there's no risk to the little kids.

Bathysphere		2012-12-07 11:44:32 AM

Yeah, the worst part of that job was when the kids were scared of Santa and their parents would say, "GODDAMNIT, YOU LITTLE SHIAT, YOU SIT THERE AND SMILE OR THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY WHEN WE GET HOME! " Sadly, kids were so scared, I had to sit on Santa's lap next to them, and parents still paid for the photos with me in them. I cried daily after work. It sucked.

brigid_fitch		2012-12-07 11:44:35 AM

I give huge props to mall Santas--they put up with a LOT. I love Christmas and, every few years, I get in a mood and want a picture with Santa. They're always good sports about it. And I always bring them a Starbucks gift card for putting up with me.

/Went to the Macy's Santa a few years ago for the first time ever
//That was a BLAST! Over an hour's wait but it didn't seem that long--the workers were really great. And they have about a dozen little cabins on the top floor, all with their backs to the line of people. There's a Santa in each one to cut down the wait time.

deadsanta		2012-12-07 11:48:39 AM

The original and still gold-standard:

Sedaris reads "Santaland Diaries"

Wellon Dowd		2012-12-07 11:49:50 AM

Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho

i.imgur.com

bugmn99		2012-12-07 11:50:47 AM

Bathysphere: Yeah, the worst part of that job was when the kids were scared of Santa and their parents would say, "GODDAMNIT, YOU LITTLE SHIAT, YOU SIT THERE AND SMILE OR THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY WHEN WE GET HOME! " Sadly, kids were so scared, I had to sit on Santa's lap next to them, and parents still paid for the photos with me in them. I cried daily after work. It sucked.

Go on...

DiRF		2012-12-07 11:52:43 AM

/I cry every time... Carney's performance is amazing.

Toy_Cop		2012-12-07 11:53:24 AM

I bet a lot of pedophiles take up jobs as Santa.

highendmighty		2012-12-07 11:53:44 AM

Big wishes, contagious diseases, and piss on your lap: also the confessions of that Vegas girl I met last weekend.

Divorach		2012-12-07 11:54:07 AM

I'm very confident that if I was ever a Santa I'd lean in close and whisper crazy stuff to kids... "What ever you do in the next 2 days, you MUST remember these words: starlight, billboard, mercury."

Later mom and dad would ask, "So.. what did Santa say to you??" Even if the kids remembered it the parents would assume the kids were crazy.

The_Sponge		2012-12-07 11:57:39 AM

You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

Pinner		2012-12-07 11:59:16 AM

deadsanta: The original and still gold-standard:

Sedaris reads "Santaland Diaries"

came to say this...
Awesome! A perfect gift! Hilarious read!

davidphogan		2012-12-07 12:00:08 PM

Divorach: I'm very confident that if I was ever a Santa I'd lean in close and whisper crazy stuff to kids... "What ever you do in the next 2 days, you MUST remember these words: starlight, billboard, mercury."

Later mom and dad would ask, "So.. what did Santa say to you??" Even if the kids remembered it the parents would assume the kids were crazy.

Every Santa they'd see after that would also likely wind up very confused.

I love it.

miniflea		2012-12-07 12:02:25 PM

brigid_fitch: miniflea: Is this a good place to mention I once worked with a guy who had another job as a mall Easter bunny and was by bizarre coincidence also a furry?

That's...frightening. But not a bizarre coincidence. I'm sure he sought out the job.

/Sadly, I know a couple of furries
//Nice guys but, even after 10 years, I still can't wrap my head around that particular lifestlye choice

Was being a tad sarcastic. And he wasn't a bad guy, though he wasn't well liked among my other coworkers. I've worked retail in malls during the holiday season, in a toy store, and my heart goes out to all the mall Santa that put up with it for what Im sure is a less than adequate paycheck.

Maud Dib		2012-12-07 12:04:42 PM

Being Santa has some advantages.
Like a troupe of belly dancers sitting on your lap.
That's me in the middle of the pile.
Ho Ho Ho , indeed.

omgbears		2012-12-07 12:05:26 PM

cgraves67: miniflea: Is this a good place to mention I once worked with a guy who had another job as a mall Easter bunny and was by bizarre coincidence also a furry?

On the one hand, that's his dream job. On the other, I smell a conflict of interest. But if he's so much a furry that he only gets off on yarfing, or whatever they call it, with other furries, then there's no risk to the little kids.

From what I understand the furries that are on the up and up make a distinction between furry and sexy-time furry, much like the rest of us compartmentalize our lives and our sexy-times. So they may have one fursuit to wear to in public, at children's birthday parties, fur cons (which are actually supposed to be family friendly), and a separate fursuit for the yiffing. Of course, there's creeps in every community...

sasbazooka		2012-12-07 12:06:20 PM

Headline sounds like a primer for the Japanese porn industry.

nickturn		2012-12-07 12:09:02 PM

Wellon Dowd: Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho

[i.imgur.com image 400x315]

Eva Angelina used to be so hot

Bathysphere		2012-12-07 12:15:04 PM

The worst part was when an adult day care center would come to visit. I'd be going through the line, attempting to ask people what types of pictures they wanted, and would run into droolers, grabbers, mutes and Screamers before a handle stepped in. It wasn't that I didn't know these people were....exceptional, it was mandatory to shill photo sets to every adult in line.

Creepy Lurker Guy		2012-12-07 12:20:32 PM

So, a Mall-Santa needs to wear Depends inside-out to deal with kids peeing in his lap?

strapp3r		2012-12-07 12:20:42 PM

strange but true...

msnbcmedia.msn.com

^this^ santa was a guest at my wedding

photogeek_2		2012-12-07 12:38:01 PM

/hot like his writing

JackieRabbit		2012-12-07 12:40:52 PM

JayGrrl: JackieRabbit: I've always thought of making a frightened two year old sit on Santa's lap as cruel. Kids that age are normally wary of and often frightened by strangers. When you take them into the crowded, loud, big decorated mall they are already sensory-overloaded. Putting them in the lap of some weirdly dressed stranger is just too much. Of course they are going to melt down. Santa doesn't mean anything to a child so young anyway.

Bullshiat. I knew Santa at 2 years old. I knew him after I turned one, wondering why he was raiding my kitchen (for booze.) Mom hired a random cousin to dress up as Santa for us and I was introduced to the slightly logged roly poly jolly sack that brought us presents.

You have a false memory, friend. No one can remember anything with clarity from so young an age. All you may know is some disjointed images that seem dreamlike. We all have a few of these. What you are remembering is stories your mother told you and associating them with events from around three or four years of age.

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier		2012-12-07 12:48:38 PM

I work in retail and the current mall's Santa is orders of magnitude better than in years past (the bastards who run the mall put Santa right outside the store I work in, so I get front row tickets to EVERYTHING). Kudos to anyone who deals with it, because that job does NOT look like fun.

I will give one CSB: The same mall does an Easter Bunny every year, and I've had the thought that I would want to do it, just to find one kid for a perfect picture. The kid would be have to skittish and completely afraid of the giant bunny. Right before the picture is taken, you have to say something to the kid and freak them the hell out. Time it right, and that one picture is gold.

Photo Helper: "Okay, everyone smile... One... Two..."
From inside the bunny suit: "I'm going to eat you"

Kid screams, picture is taken, comedy gold. I figure you only get one of those, so make it count.

DerAppie		2012-12-07 01:03:23 PM

WTFDYW		2012-12-07 01:10:32 PM

My first recollection of sitting on Santas lap? I was fascinated with his beard and got my finger tangled in it. It had to be awkward for the poor bastard.

KingKauff		2012-12-07 01:25:44 PM

I'm an eating, drinking, smoking, farking santa

Prove it

Englebert Slaptyback		2012-12-07 01:26:31 PM

Rufus Lee King

Fifty years have passed, and I still feel kind of bad about it.

If it helps, he's probably dead now.

KingKauff		2012-12-07 01:31:22 PM

Rufus Lee King: Ah, yes. I remember my first visit to Santa. I'm pretty sure it was at the Sears-Roebuck store in Memphis, ca.1962. I was all happily excited about it until it was my turn. I got within about ten feet of the poor guy and freaked out entirely, turning around and bolting back down the runway while screaming like a banshee until my father was able to grab me and haul me out of there. I have no explanation for this.

I do recall the look on "Santa's" face, which I saw briefly from over my father's shoulder as he carried me off. I now can interpret that look as one of pure bewilderment, as in "What the hell did I do?"

Fifty years have passed, and I still feel kind of bad about it.

Thanks for the good laugh

Mega Steve		2012-12-07 01:52:48 PM

brigid_fitch: I give huge props to mall Santas--they put up with a LOT. I love Christmas and, every few years, I get in a mood and want a picture with Santa. They're always good sports about it. And I always bring them a Starbucks gift card for putting up with me.

/Went to the Macy's Santa a few years ago for the first time ever
//That was a BLAST! Over an hour's wait but it didn't seem that long--the workers were really great. And they have about a dozen little cabins on the top floor, all with their backs to the line of people. There's a Santa in each one to cut down the wait time.

I'm sure they didn't mind you sitting on their laps

How fun would it be to dress up as the Krampus, run into Macy's, and run around terrifying children and parents alike? Sure, you'd probably get arrested, but it'd be an awesome story to tell. Maybe we can get anti-Semitic Elmo a new costume for Christmas

3.bp.blogspot.com

Cerebral Knievel		2012-12-07 02:01:37 PM

Englebert Slaptyback: Rufus Lee King

Fifty years have passed, and I still feel kind of bad about it.

If it helps, he's probably dead now.

That made me laugh more than i should have

Optimal_Illusion		2012-12-07 02:32:06 PM

Mega Steve: brigid_fitch: I give huge props to mall Santas--they put up with a LOT. I love Christmas and, every few years, I get in a mood and want a picture with Santa. They're always good sports about it. And I always bring them a Starbucks gift card for putting up with me.

/Went to the Macy's Santa a few years ago for the first time ever
//That was a BLAST! Over an hour's wait but it didn't seem that long--the workers were really great. And they have about a dozen little cabins on the top floor, all with their backs to the line of people. There's a Santa in each one to cut down the wait time.

I'm sure they didn't mind you sitting on their laps

How fun would it be to dress up as the Krampus, run into Macy's, and run around terrifying children and parents alike? Sure, you'd probably get arrested, but it'd be an awesome story to tell. Maybe we can get anti-Semitic Elmo a new costume for Christmas

[3.bp.blogspot.com image 400x266]

Awesome pic! I have a few Krampus photos on my compy at home, and needed a new one to add to the collection. If someone does try to do this at a department store, they need to have a few flyers handy to explain that he is St. Nick's buddy, and wants to make sure that all the kids there are good boys and girls.

suthrnrunt		2012-12-07 05:06:52 PM

i wonder how many mall santa's get turned on by the golden showers and even more so by children doing it.

John Buck 41		2012-12-07 10:51:57 PM

Well Done/in one.

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