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(ESPN)   In a nutshell: Every team in the league basically sucks to one extent or another, but the Jags now replace the Chiefs as the team that sucks the worst. It's your Week 14 NFL Power Rankings   (espn.go.com) divider line 45
    More: Strange, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, away games, Albert Haynesworth, rankings, Kevin Kolb, Jags, Mike Shanahan, Matt Hasselbeck  
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3436 clicks; posted to Sports » on 04 Dec 2012 at 1:30 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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Archived thread
2012-12-04 03:06:42 PM  
8 votes:
Friends,

We are gathered here today to celebrate a remarkable achievement, if by "celebrate" you mean "mourn" and by "achievement" you mean "tragedy that makes the Holocaust and 9/11 combined look like puppies running through a field of cotton candy with rainbows shooting out of their asses." Truly, the seriousness of this absurdly repugnant event cannot be understated. The horror of this happening cannot be downplayed nor put into proper context, as there is no proper context.

The Tuskegee experiment, in which the United States government knowingly infected six hundred indigent African Americans with syphilis while telling them that they were getting free healthcare?

Drew Brees threw five interceptions.

The citizens of Hiroshima and Nagasaki after the atomic bombs were dropped, scores of skeletons strewn across their cities with the flesh seared from their skulls and still others turned into mere shadows on the sidewalk?

Drew Brees threw five interceptions.

The murders of Abraham Lincoln, John and Robert Kennedy, Martin Luther King...all good men and great leaders with so much work still to be done and cut down before they could accomplish any of it by those so filled with hate that they would deprive the world of any future works they might have yet achieved?

DREW BREES THREW FIVE INTERCEPTIONS AND LOST HIS RECORD TOUCHDOWN PASS STREAK AGAINST THE ATLANTA FALCONS DURING A PLAYOFF CHASE!

Speaking honestly, I can certainly say I was disconsolate directly after that game was done. Understandable, I'd think, considering the Delhomme Rating that was notched. 66.7 is typically good enough to secure the trophy. In fact, there have been plenty of occasions in which 50.0 was the winner - fark, notoriously there was even that week where 33.3 was the high water mark and somehow procured an award for the week's victor.

Having simply to sit through all those games yet to be played seemed another torture test. As if serving the fiendish plot of a ginger-headed douchebag wearing a suit straight out of the JCPenney catalogue for husky preteens, this game had happened on Thursday. Plenty of opportunities to be bested, sure, but this...six turnovers. It was simply asking too much, even of the typical Jake candidates. Perhaps it would have been better if it was a Monday, I figured. It would've been quick, sudden, and utterly decisive...in its own way, a small measure of peace.

All hope seemed lost, and there was no bottom.

Those of who you populate the official discussion thread on Sunday know what happened next.

thestorydept.thestorydepartme3.netdna-cdn.com

Dear Rob,

If you're reading this, I'm in the lead for The Jake. And if I did that badly, maybe you're willing to go a little further...past the edge of what your handwriting clearly suggests. You remember the name of the Chiefs' starting quarterback, don't you?


"Brady Quinn...Captain Courageous?" I thought, a single and ever-so-manly tear rolling down my cheek.

Exactly. Be courageous and take heart in the fact that Mark Sanchez is out there. So is Christian Ponder, and Cam Newton, and maybe Ryan Fitzpatrick wants to pick just the right week to stop being the bridesmaid and finally be the bride. Remember, Rob, hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies. I will be hoping this letter finds you, and finds you well.

Your friend and personal savior,

Drew


Hope had returned via the United States postal service, and I was made anew. Hell, maybe it was possible. 83.3 was an incredibly high score, but you never know. Phil Rivers had yet to take the field, and he'd already Gone Delhomme once this season. Maybe another was in his future, no one can tell when that poor bastard's gonna explode. Thirty quarterbacks had yet to take the turn on the wheel of football fortune. Thirty quarterbacks, and not all of them were elite. Some of them pretty much sucked. Some of them were downright shiatty. Others still were Ryan Lindley. Thirty quarterbacks, maybe more if any new Eras were to begin on Sunday or Monday, perhaps if an obese loudmouth who never met a finger sandwich or a toe like a toe toe he didn't like made a farking inexplicable call to the bench...

More on that later.

For now, I can only remember how soon we all had a new hope. One quarterback was seemingly rushing to serve as Breesus' salvation, so wonderfully strange considering how many more he had personally given such a gift. One gunslinger was rapidly rising up the ranks of the leaderboard and it all suddenly seemed possible. Three interceptions quickly rang out - the first secured on his very first pass attempt, no less. A 50.0 was in the books before halftime, and there we were. Just into the third quarter, heroics coming from a very, very likely place, on pace for at least the second Gone Delhomme game of the season. And just flitting through the minds of those who dared to dream, those who dared not even whisper the name of the most rare and precious of flowers? Would we see it? Would an elite quarterback's saving grace be achieved through a Full Delhomme?

No.

No, it would not, because a disgusting fatbody with sexual issues best handled by a trained professional decided that it would not even have the opportunity to bloom.

Somehow, some way...THIS week was too much. Not the pair of turnovers in the first game against the Patriots. Not losing 30 to 9 at home to friggin' Miami. Not going 9 for 22 against Seattle. Not getting fed a near-fiftyburger on national television by New England, and not even the Goddamned motherfarking BUTTFUMBLE!...none of these excellent examples of how not to be a winning quarterback in the NFL were quite enough.

No.

Three turnovers in two-and-a-half quarters of action against the woeful Arizona Cardinals led by a quarterback who seemingly could not throw a pass within 15 yards of a receiver OR a defender?

THAT was it. It was all ol' Rex could stands and he could stands no more. The dawning of The Greg McElroy Era simply had to happen in Week 13 in East Rutherford, New Jersey, and with it a decree that Breesus would be crucified upon that field in Georgia.

Wait a minute.

Golgotha...Georgia. Rex Ryan...Pontius Pilate.

Oddly similar place names and strangely alliterative proper names do not lie, people. They do not lie and moreover they reveal a plot years in the making. Indeed, the road to the Week 13 presentation of The Jake has been in the books for years. Who could possibly be that diabolical? Who indeed?

I'm sensing some resistance from the readers. All you have to remember is that the condemnation, dear friends, was merely Station I. Stations III, VII, and IX, in which the weight of the cross was just too much to bear and he fell down? Interceptions one, three, and four. Station V, in which a citizen was moved by his plight to assist him in his burden? Chris Ivory slapping the ball into the air for interception number two.

Where's the evidence of the multi-year conspiracy, you ask, this is all from the game itself!

To that I direct your attention to Station VI, in which a saintly woman was distraught at this barbaric treatment and wiped his face of blood and sweat.

v012o.popscreen.com

I think we all know what happened here.

In 2010.

I can hear the one final question still poised to tumble from your lips, pointing out that the Jets game obviously took place after the Saints game, so how could the former set the latter into motion, further boomeranging back years prior to that initial event?

To that I can only say this.

Payton 4:13 - "Through Breesus all things are possible." So shut up.

The striking similarities don't end there, of course. The cross, the crippling sanctions levied against his team, the weight of which he has borne too heavy a load. So many different roles he has played, so many forced throws when the running game has been abandoned, the result at times a quarterback so unlike the one his apostles have come to adore.

And so there he was at midfield, his gift slipping away as the fifth interception sunk to the safety's breast...the jeering Dirty Bird faithful mocking him, spitting on him as he suffered. "King of the Who Dats" read the sign above him, Falcons players' hands pressing upon his beautifully balding head a helmet made of thorns.

"IT IS ACCOMPLISHED!" he cried, his efforts in redemption for the Saints in Week 13 done at last.

"IT SURE AS SHIAT IS!" screamed a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shiat behind him.

And with that, Roger Goodell punched Drew directly in the balls.

For committing an amount of turnovers that Jake Locker could sadly only tie, for happening to do so when Rex Ryan finally realized Mark Sanchez sucks, for honestly having the worst game as a Saint that I can remember him having, I...I am not proud, but The Jake being the cold and unfeeling beast it is, I must do my duty and award The Jake for Week 13 of the 2012 NFL season to Drew Brees of the New Orleans Saints.

i63.photobucket.com

Anything to say, Drew?

i63.photobucket.com

You are forgiven. I'm proud of you for not being a biatch and picking Locker. Go now in peace to love and serve the Breesus.

Amen.
2012-12-04 03:56:46 PM  
3 votes:

IAmRight: Fun fact: Golden Tate has not only knocked out Sean Lee with a block that riled up Cowboys fans, but he's caught the Fail Mary, flipped into the end zone for a TD against the Vikings, made a ridiculous play to (well, what should've) beat the Bears...and he leads the NFL in passer rating.


Golden Tate also leads the league in players I would like to see get hit by a bus.
2012-12-04 01:47:59 PM  
3 votes:

mootmah: WHAR GRAF


I know I did this last week (maybe I'll add it to the list of Things That Must Appear in an NFL Power Rankings Thread), but:
72unforcederrorswp.files.wordpress.com

I'M RIGHT FARKING HERE!
2012-12-04 08:39:27 PM  
2 votes:

Dr Dreidel: mootmah: WHAR GRAF

I know I did this last week (maybe I'll add it to the list of Things That Must Appear in an NFL Power Rankings Thread), but:
[72unforcederrorswp.files.wordpress.com image 300x300]

I'M RIGHT FARKING HERE!


I did this one a few weeks ago, but it is probably too jarring to be repeated weekly.

skrame.com
2012-12-04 03:20:49 PM  
2 votes:

robsul82:
thestorydept.thestorydepartme3.netdna-cdn.com

Dear Rob,

If you're reading this, I'm in the lead for The Jake. And if I did that badly, maybe you're willing to go a little further...past the edge of what your handwriting clearly suggests. You remember the name of the Chiefs' starting quarterback, don't you?

"Brady Quinn...Captain Courageous?" I thought, a single and ever-so-manly tear rolling down my cheek.

Exactly. Be courageous and take heart in the fact that Mark Sanchez is out there. So is Christian Ponder, and Cam Newton, and maybe Ryan Fitzpatrick wants to pick just the right week to stop being the bridesmaid and finally be the bride. Remember, Rob, hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies. I will be hoping this letter finds you, and finds you well.

Your friend and personal savior,

Drew


Holy shiat actual LOL.
2012-12-04 03:02:01 PM  
2 votes:
Moving up to #5... THE DENVER BRONCOS!!! XD

i1182.photobucket.comi1182.photobucket.comi1182.photobucket.comi1182.photobucket.comi1182.photobucket.com
2012-12-04 01:46:09 PM  
2 votes:
And for simplicity's sake:
i.imgur.com
i.imgur.com
i.imgur.com
i.imgur.com


And this week's edition
i.imgur.com
i.imgur.com
2012-12-04 01:02:23 PM  
2 votes:

Nofun: Packers behind the Ravens? I don't think so: everyone seems to forget they had one stolen by the scab refs...


That's ridiculous. Everyone knows they're called potato refs. Get a brain moran.
2012-12-05 11:54:07 AM  
1 votes:

robsul82: Thanks for the compliments, all...*tear* God knows it was tough. Theme music for this week's entry - "What Must Be Done" from the score of The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford


I've never heard that music before. I like it a lot. Thanks for that link, and for an awesome Jake speech.

thecpt: They still have briggs, tillman, peppers, that other corner who never gets credit, and Cutler isn't sucking. They lost one at home to the Troll hawks, but go on with the panicking Bears fans. Its entertaining.

/can't wait 2 weeks. Gonna be a good one on soldier field


Darn right it is. The second Bears/Packers game of the season is usually my favorite game of the year. When play-offs are on the line, half of Chicago is at risk of having a grabber. I know it's the same up north (I have lots of cousins and co-workers in or from WI).

roc6783: Ayup. I could totally see 11-5 record, win the division, and then get bounced at home in a completely flat game.


This would make me happy beyond belief, especially if it's by the Bears. I won't be at the game this time around, but I'd be at home doing my happy dance.

roc6783: Hopefully Matthews will be ready to go, then Cutler can resume receiving his weekly recommended allowance of turf.

//Not looking forward to it at all. Just keep it close so I don't have to see skrame do a happy dance. Haven't seen that much jiggle since the Jello incident in '04.


Haha. Look at that; both of us commenting about my happy dance. Don't worry about the jiggle; I've been losing weight! I'm down to 21 stone!

Calibrating happy dance:

img839.imageshack.us
2012-12-04 05:20:56 PM  
1 votes:

LucklessWonder: rickythepenguin: LucklessWonder: /Expecting a Redskins let down loss vs the Ratbirds.


trap game.

There's no such farking thing in the... *reads user name*

[www.lolbrary.com image 447x718]

/Love that dog's face.


Speaking of that dog, I made this a couple weeks ago but he's given me no excuse to use it since I made it.
i291.photobucket.com
2012-12-04 04:53:45 PM  
1 votes:

Di Atribe: LucklessWonder: It's Joe Flacco on the road, hopefully they'll hex themselves

/Expecting a Redskins let down loss vs the Ratbirds.

Is 30 miles away really "on the road?" Down the road, maybe.


It's 30 miles further from JoeBert's stash of delicious hot cocoa with kosher marshmallows
2012-12-04 04:25:02 PM  
1 votes:

ATRDCI: You mean Rex Grossman III, right?


Not RGThreeandOut
2012-12-04 04:20:51 PM  
1 votes:

robsul82: Cedric Griffin of the Redskins suspended 4 games for PED violation.


The magic of RG3
2012-12-04 04:15:45 PM  
1 votes:

IAmRight: Gonz: In case people were wondering why their brain went ahead and auto-completed "Hallelujah! Holy shiat, where's the Tylenol?"

Sadly, I most vividly remember the "Sh*t" part of it being censored by TV versions of the movie.


My annual viewing is going to be strange this year, since I know that the son grows up to earn his Ph.D and date Penny.
2012-12-04 04:10:57 PM  
1 votes:

Dr Dreidel: Really? Did Cortland Finnegan retire?


I'm sure he is. I just hate Tate's smarmy answers to questions this year. When he sent Sean Lee out of a game because of a cheap-shot he took during a play, he danced over the downed player and after the game said he'd be "upset if he was getting blown up on TV too". Then he claims he "just made a play" on the Fail Mary. So far the only positive story I've heard about Tate is that he once stole from a doughnut shop.
2012-12-04 04:09:17 PM  
1 votes:

IAmRight: PaulieattheTap: If can remember all of this I'm going to use it some day. I know I'll use the worm-headed sack of monkey shiat.

You might recognize it from Christmas Vacation.


In case people were wondering why their brain went ahead and auto-completed "Hallelujah! Holy shiat, where's the Tylenol?"
2012-12-04 04:09:07 PM  
1 votes:

roc6783: I think the Packers and Bears are in a competition to see who can be the worst team with the best record.


The way things have been going lately, the Ravens are right up there with them.
2012-12-04 04:06:36 PM  
1 votes:

Hugh2d2: fark the Broncos and fark that "pizza" pushin forehead monster. They won the AFC West because the other three teams are ranked 25th, 29th and 31st. fark them all with a donkey shaped dildo.


i1182.photobucket.com
2012-12-04 04:06:19 PM  
1 votes:

Treygreen13: IAmRight: Fun fact: Golden Tate has not only knocked out Sean Lee with a block that riled up Cowboys fans, but he's caught the Fail Mary, flipped into the end zone for a TD against the Vikings, made a ridiculous play to (well, what should've) beat the Bears...and he leads the NFL in passer rating.

Golden Tate also leads the league in players I would like to see get hit by a bus.


You can not hate a man who introduced himself to fans by stealing fresh maple bars from an unlocked doughnut shop, and now does promotional events for them. That is impossible, because that is completely awesome. You know for a fact you can trust those doughnuts are great.
2012-12-04 04:03:11 PM  
1 votes:

Treygreen13: IAmRight: Fun fact: Golden Tate has not only knocked out Sean Lee with a block that riled up Cowboys fans, but he's caught the Fail Mary, flipped into the end zone for a TD against the Vikings, made a ridiculous play to (well, what should've) beat the Bears...and he leads the NFL in passer rating.

Golden Tate also leads the league in players I would like to see get hit by a bus.


Concussion says, "What?"


www.nbc.com
2012-12-04 03:52:34 PM  
1 votes:

PaulieattheTap: If can remember all of this I'm going to use it some day. I know I'll use the worm-headed sack of monkey shiat.


You might recognize it from Christmas Vacation.
2012-12-04 03:42:51 PM  
1 votes:
fark the Broncos and fark that "pizza" pushin forehead monster. They won the AFC West because the other three teams are ranked 25th, 29th and 31st. fark them all with a donkey shaped dildo.
2012-12-04 03:37:20 PM  
1 votes:

robsul82: For committing an amount of turnovers that Jake Locker could sadly only tie, for happening to do so when Rex Ryan finally realized Mark Sanchez sucks, for honestly having the worst game as a Saint that I can remember him having, I...I am not proud, but The Jake being the cold and unfeeling beast it is, I must do my duty and award The Jake for Week 13 of the 2012 NFL season to Drew Brees of the New Orleans Saints.


i1182.photobucket.com
2012-12-04 03:27:43 PM  
1 votes:

robsul82: no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life


WE LOVE YOU
2012-12-04 03:13:24 PM  
1 votes:
I have a feeling the Patriots are going to beat the Texans quite handily. I know that sounds crazy but I can see a 34-14 win.
2012-12-04 03:11:34 PM  
1 votes:

robsul82: Friends,


4.bp.blogspot.com

Good job rob and remember, nobody farks with the Breesus
2012-12-04 03:07:01 PM  
1 votes:
I don't think I've even gone to the actual Power Rankings link anymore. This thread has become all the recap for the week I need.
2012-12-04 02:57:27 PM  
1 votes:

roc6783: To be fair though, the 2 I did get right were educated guess because ESPN of NFL Network had a segment on WAGs a few weeks ago.


And you got one wrong that HAD THE ANSWER IN THE URL.
2012-12-04 02:56:29 PM  
1 votes:

rickythepenguin: whoa! 10.5!

1) i know we suck but....10.5? come on.
2) actually i don't have a second point.

10.5. I should lock that down now before it falls to like, 7. 10.5? come on man.


You realize it's in Seattle, right? We've already played all our road division games. Now it's time for you b*tches to come to us.
2012-12-04 02:44:36 PM  
1 votes:

Treygreen13: The Seahawks are 4/5 in stopping 4th down conversions. The worst? The Miami Dolphins, who have only stopped 1 out of 10 4th down attempts.


And that one successful one was the fake FG by the Rams. Goddammit.
2012-12-04 02:31:43 PM  
1 votes:

punishmentforshoplifting: I work with Russell Wilson's father-in-law and even he would admit that RG3 is the more electric QB right now.


Oh, I thought we were talking about great, not electric. My bad.

/and you clearly haven't seen the Seahawks uniforms
2012-12-04 02:28:24 PM  
1 votes:
Jake Jake Jake

Attica Attica Attica
2012-12-04 02:26:19 PM  
1 votes:

JohnBigBootay: WTF is he smoking because I'll have some of that. Now... I love Andrew Luck. I think he's very good, gonna get better, and I'd be nothing less than super duper excited about the future of my team if my team had the guy. But greatest rookie qb in NFL history? I don't know if Clayton looks at the stats on the website he works for, but there's two rookie qb's this year alone who have markedly better numbers than the deserving esteemed Mr. Luck. And they've been playing football a good long while. It would take a while to look all this shiat up but at this point of the season I'm not sure Luck cracks the top ten seasons by a rookie qb, let alone best of all time.

Shhhh

don't let anyone know that Russell Wilson leads the NFL in QBR since Week 5, when they actually started opening up the playbook a little. Also, we have the NFL itself tweeting that Griffin III has the fewest INTs since Week 11 with 1 (because Wilson's 0 in that timeframe is more than 1, apparently).

It's okay. Let them keep building up the hype for everyone else. Let Simmons jump off the bandwagon before the Bears game. GIVE US THE POWER OF NOBODY BELIEVED IN US!
2012-12-04 02:15:42 PM  
1 votes:
Name that QB:

1. The NFL average for completion percentage is 61.4%. Which NFL QB is the closest to the NFL average when it comes to completion percentage? Drew Brees?
2. After a rough week, Drew Brees took the NFL lead in Interceptions. Wait, scratch that. Drew Brees is actually tied with someone at the top with 16 INTs. But who? Andrew Luck. That one was too easy
3. Nothing illustrates the bizarre Week 13 for QBs more than this player leading the week in completions. Mark Sanchez? Oh wait you said completions... um, since it's "bizarre", I'll say Charlie Batch

Name that Defense:

1. This man stands over the body of the QB. He stands as the yang to offense's yin. He leads the NFL in sacks. Aldon Smith
2. Stout defense should get the other team off the field on 3rd down. But what about 4th down? This team has only allowed 1 4th down conversion and allows the lowest percentage of 4th down conversions.Umm, Philly? My guess is teams haven't had to try for a 4th down play against them in a while
3. Interceptions are exciting. Pick sixes are even more exciting. 99 yard pick sixes are probably the most exciting defensive play to witness. This team has a 99 yard pick six this season. That was the Saints a few weeks ago by Robinson. They only played the highlight 100 times.

I'll skip the WAG section.
2012-12-04 02:14:29 PM  
1 votes:

Bunny Deville: The Jags have finally fallen all the way to the bottom.

Sigh.


Only way is up from there!

upload.wikimedia.org

/Owned that on cassette single
2012-12-04 02:05:53 PM  
1 votes:

Treygreen13: 1. Which NFL player is this Wife and/or Girlfriend NFL married to?


Probably shouldn't call the image "Alex-Smith-wife" if you want it to be tough to guess.

scottydoesntknow: Wait, dammit I'm wrong (where the hell did Aldon Smith come from?!)


Smith recorded 5.5 sacks when the 49ers played the Bears and that vaulted him into the lead.
2012-12-04 02:05:01 PM  
1 votes:

mootmah: WHAR GRAF


She's too busy chiding me for being non-cheery on FB at the moment. Heh.
2012-12-04 01:57:15 PM  
1 votes:
The Eagles are too damn high!
2012-12-04 01:55:02 PM  
1 votes:

Treygreen13: 1. This man stands over the body of the QB. He stands as the yang to offense's yin. He leads the NFL in sacks.


J.J. WATT (just happened!)
2012-12-04 01:42:38 PM  
1 votes:
WHAR GRAF
2012-12-04 01:41:37 PM  
1 votes:
The Bengals can take solace in the fact that they are ranked higher than the Steelers while contemplating how it is that they're going to miss the playoffs at the hands of the aforementioned Steelers.
2012-12-04 01:36:39 PM  
1 votes:
I know it's not possible, but still. The Jaguars are too damn high.
2012-12-04 01:35:43 PM  
1 votes:
And without further ado, thecpt and Bunny Deville present to you This Week's version of The FAIL

For those who missed it last night, here is the inaugural fail
2012-12-04 01:15:38 PM  
1 votes:
From the redlit thread (with slight edits):

<asshole mode>anyone else find it fishy that KC jumped a spot this week?</asshole mode> Surely, any emotional boost is a good one, but are they really a better team, relative to the rest of the league, than they were last week?

// because Power Rankings are srs bznss, and the Dow Jones will be overvaluing the Chiefs now
// OMG FOOTBALL BUBBLE
// I'm moving all my money to hockey futures
2012-12-04 01:10:51 PM  
1 votes:
I would now like to unveil the project I've been wasting my free time on for the past week: the Faultlessly Accurate RanKing system, or, for the haters, the Faulty And Inaccurate Listing system. The FARK/FAIL system V0.9.0 is a power ranking system that takes into account the SOV of each team's opponents in the week that they played each other, and the margin of victory of the game. So beating the 4-0 Cardinals is better for your rank than beating the 4-8 Cardinals, and beating the Patriots by two possessions is better than beating them by a field goal.

(2) 1 Atlanta
(1) 2 Houston
(3) 3 New England
(4) 4 San Francisco*
(5) 5 Denver
(7) 6 Green Bay
(6) 7 Baltimore
(8) 8 Chicago
(10) 9 New York (Giants)
(12) 10 Seattle
(9) 11 Indianapolis
(13) 12 Pittsburgh
(11) 13 Cincinnati
(19) 14 St. Louis*
(14) 15 Washington
(15) 16 Tampa Bay
(17) 17 Minnesota
(16) 18 Dallas
(20) 19 Miami
(18) 20 New Orleans
(26) 21 Tennessee
(23) 22 Buffalo
(22) 23 New York (Jets)
(27) 24 Arizona
(21) 25 Detroit
(25) 26 San Diego
(24) 27 Cleveland
(28) 28 Carolina
(30) 29 Philadelphia
(32) 30 Jacksonville
(29) 31 Oakland
(31) 32 Kansas City

*Farking ties
Parentheses are ESPN's ranks.

The Lions are too damn high: +4
The Rams and Titans are too damn low: -5

I wasn to say thanks to Di Atribe and RminusQ for helping me with this. Any credit goes their way, all critism belongs with me.
 
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