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(ESPN)   In a nutshell: Every team in the league basically sucks to one extent or another, but the Jags now replace the Chiefs as the team that sucks the worst. It's your Week 14 NFL Power Rankings   (espn.go.com) divider line 44
    More: Strange, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, away games, Albert Haynesworth, rankings, Kevin Kolb, Jags, Mike Shanahan, Matt Hasselbeck  
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3436 clicks; posted to Sports » on 04 Dec 2012 at 1:30 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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Archived thread
2012-12-04 01:10:51 PM  
4 votes:
I would now like to unveil the project I've been wasting my free time on for the past week: the Faultlessly Accurate RanKing system, or, for the haters, the Faulty And Inaccurate Listing system. The FARK/FAIL system V0.9.0 is a power ranking system that takes into account the SOV of each team's opponents in the week that they played each other, and the margin of victory of the game. So beating the 4-0 Cardinals is better for your rank than beating the 4-8 Cardinals, and beating the Patriots by two possessions is better than beating them by a field goal.

(2) 1 Atlanta
(1) 2 Houston
(3) 3 New England
(4) 4 San Francisco*
(5) 5 Denver
(7) 6 Green Bay
(6) 7 Baltimore
(8) 8 Chicago
(10) 9 New York (Giants)
(12) 10 Seattle
(9) 11 Indianapolis
(13) 12 Pittsburgh
(11) 13 Cincinnati
(19) 14 St. Louis*
(14) 15 Washington
(15) 16 Tampa Bay
(17) 17 Minnesota
(16) 18 Dallas
(20) 19 Miami
(18) 20 New Orleans
(26) 21 Tennessee
(23) 22 Buffalo
(22) 23 New York (Jets)
(27) 24 Arizona
(21) 25 Detroit
(25) 26 San Diego
(24) 27 Cleveland
(28) 28 Carolina
(30) 29 Philadelphia
(32) 30 Jacksonville
(29) 31 Oakland
(31) 32 Kansas City

*Farking ties
Parentheses are ESPN's ranks.

The Lions are too damn high: +4
The Rams and Titans are too damn low: -5

I wasn to say thanks to Di Atribe and RminusQ for helping me with this. Any credit goes their way, all critism belongs with me.
2012-12-04 03:06:42 PM  
3 votes:
Friends,

We are gathered here today to celebrate a remarkable achievement, if by "celebrate" you mean "mourn" and by "achievement" you mean "tragedy that makes the Holocaust and 9/11 combined look like puppies running through a field of cotton candy with rainbows shooting out of their asses." Truly, the seriousness of this absurdly repugnant event cannot be understated. The horror of this happening cannot be downplayed nor put into proper context, as there is no proper context.

The Tuskegee experiment, in which the United States government knowingly infected six hundred indigent African Americans with syphilis while telling them that they were getting free healthcare?

Drew Brees threw five interceptions.

The citizens of Hiroshima and Nagasaki after the atomic bombs were dropped, scores of skeletons strewn across their cities with the flesh seared from their skulls and still others turned into mere shadows on the sidewalk?

Drew Brees threw five interceptions.

The murders of Abraham Lincoln, John and Robert Kennedy, Martin Luther King...all good men and great leaders with so much work still to be done and cut down before they could accomplish any of it by those so filled with hate that they would deprive the world of any future works they might have yet achieved?

DREW BREES THREW FIVE INTERCEPTIONS AND LOST HIS RECORD TOUCHDOWN PASS STREAK AGAINST THE ATLANTA FALCONS DURING A PLAYOFF CHASE!

Speaking honestly, I can certainly say I was disconsolate directly after that game was done. Understandable, I'd think, considering the Delhomme Rating that was notched. 66.7 is typically good enough to secure the trophy. In fact, there have been plenty of occasions in which 50.0 was the winner - fark, notoriously there was even that week where 33.3 was the high water mark and somehow procured an award for the week's victor.

Having simply to sit through all those games yet to be played seemed another torture test. As if serving the fiendish plot of a ginger-headed douchebag wearing a suit straight out of the JCPenney catalogue for husky preteens, this game had happened on Thursday. Plenty of opportunities to be bested, sure, but this...six turnovers. It was simply asking too much, even of the typical Jake candidates. Perhaps it would have been better if it was a Monday, I figured. It would've been quick, sudden, and utterly decisive...in its own way, a small measure of peace.

All hope seemed lost, and there was no bottom.

Those of who you populate the official discussion thread on Sunday know what happened next.

thestorydept.thestorydepartme3.netdna-cdn.com

Dear Rob,

If you're reading this, I'm in the lead for The Jake. And if I did that badly, maybe you're willing to go a little further...past the edge of what your handwriting clearly suggests. You remember the name of the Chiefs' starting quarterback, don't you?


"Brady Quinn...Captain Courageous?" I thought, a single and ever-so-manly tear rolling down my cheek.

Exactly. Be courageous and take heart in the fact that Mark Sanchez is out there. So is Christian Ponder, and Cam Newton, and maybe Ryan Fitzpatrick wants to pick just the right week to stop being the bridesmaid and finally be the bride. Remember, Rob, hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies. I will be hoping this letter finds you, and finds you well.

Your friend and personal savior,

Drew


Hope had returned via the United States postal service, and I was made anew. Hell, maybe it was possible. 83.3 was an incredibly high score, but you never know. Phil Rivers had yet to take the field, and he'd already Gone Delhomme once this season. Maybe another was in his future, no one can tell when that poor bastard's gonna explode. Thirty quarterbacks had yet to take the turn on the wheel of football fortune. Thirty quarterbacks, and not all of them were elite. Some of them pretty much sucked. Some of them were downright shiatty. Others still were Ryan Lindley. Thirty quarterbacks, maybe more if any new Eras were to begin on Sunday or Monday, perhaps if an obese loudmouth who never met a finger sandwich or a toe like a toe toe he didn't like made a farking inexplicable call to the bench...

More on that later.

For now, I can only remember how soon we all had a new hope. One quarterback was seemingly rushing to serve as Breesus' salvation, so wonderfully strange considering how many more he had personally given such a gift. One gunslinger was rapidly rising up the ranks of the leaderboard and it all suddenly seemed possible. Three interceptions quickly rang out - the first secured on his very first pass attempt, no less. A 50.0 was in the books before halftime, and there we were. Just into the third quarter, heroics coming from a very, very likely place, on pace for at least the second Gone Delhomme game of the season. And just flitting through the minds of those who dared to dream, those who dared not even whisper the name of the most rare and precious of flowers? Would we see it? Would an elite quarterback's saving grace be achieved through a Full Delhomme?

No.

No, it would not, because a disgusting fatbody with sexual issues best handled by a trained professional decided that it would not even have the opportunity to bloom.

Somehow, some way...THIS week was too much. Not the pair of turnovers in the first game against the Patriots. Not losing 30 to 9 at home to friggin' Miami. Not going 9 for 22 against Seattle. Not getting fed a near-fiftyburger on national television by New England, and not even the Goddamned motherfarking BUTTFUMBLE!...none of these excellent examples of how not to be a winning quarterback in the NFL were quite enough.

No.

Three turnovers in two-and-a-half quarters of action against the woeful Arizona Cardinals led by a quarterback who seemingly could not throw a pass within 15 yards of a receiver OR a defender?

THAT was it. It was all ol' Rex could stands and he could stands no more. The dawning of The Greg McElroy Era simply had to happen in Week 13 in East Rutherford, New Jersey, and with it a decree that Breesus would be crucified upon that field in Georgia.

Wait a minute.

Golgotha...Georgia. Rex Ryan...Pontius Pilate.

Oddly similar place names and strangely alliterative proper names do not lie, people. They do not lie and moreover they reveal a plot years in the making. Indeed, the road to the Week 13 presentation of The Jake has been in the books for years. Who could possibly be that diabolical? Who indeed?

I'm sensing some resistance from the readers. All you have to remember is that the condemnation, dear friends, was merely Station I. Stations III, VII, and IX, in which the weight of the cross was just too much to bear and he fell down? Interceptions one, three, and four. Station V, in which a citizen was moved by his plight to assist him in his burden? Chris Ivory slapping the ball into the air for interception number two.

Where's the evidence of the multi-year conspiracy, you ask, this is all from the game itself!

To that I direct your attention to Station VI, in which a saintly woman was distraught at this barbaric treatment and wiped his face of blood and sweat.

v012o.popscreen.com

I think we all know what happened here.

In 2010.

I can hear the one final question still poised to tumble from your lips, pointing out that the Jets game obviously took place after the Saints game, so how could the former set the latter into motion, further boomeranging back years prior to that initial event?

To that I can only say this.

Payton 4:13 - "Through Breesus all things are possible." So shut up.

The striking similarities don't end there, of course. The cross, the crippling sanctions levied against his team, the weight of which he has borne too heavy a load. So many different roles he has played, so many forced throws when the running game has been abandoned, the result at times a quarterback so unlike the one his apostles have come to adore.

And so there he was at midfield, his gift slipping away as the fifth interception sunk to the safety's breast...the jeering Dirty Bird faithful mocking him, spitting on him as he suffered. "King of the Who Dats" read the sign above him, Falcons players' hands pressing upon his beautifully balding head a helmet made of thorns.

"IT IS ACCOMPLISHED!" he cried, his efforts in redemption for the Saints in Week 13 done at last.

"IT SURE AS SHIAT IS!" screamed a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shiat behind him.

And with that, Roger Goodell punched Drew directly in the balls.

For committing an amount of turnovers that Jake Locker could sadly only tie, for happening to do so when Rex Ryan finally realized Mark Sanchez sucks, for honestly having the worst game as a Saint that I can remember him having, I...I am not proud, but The Jake being the cold and unfeeling beast it is, I must do my duty and award The Jake for Week 13 of the 2012 NFL season to Drew Brees of the New Orleans Saints.

i63.photobucket.com

Anything to say, Drew?

i63.photobucket.com

You are forgiven. I'm proud of you for not being a biatch and picking Locker. Go now in peace to love and serve the Breesus.

Amen.
2012-12-04 02:56:29 PM  
2 votes:

rickythepenguin: whoa! 10.5!

1) i know we suck but....10.5? come on.
2) actually i don't have a second point.

10.5. I should lock that down now before it falls to like, 7. 10.5? come on man.


You realize it's in Seattle, right? We've already played all our road division games. Now it's time for you b*tches to come to us.
2012-12-04 02:29:25 PM  
2 votes:

IAmRight: JohnBigBootay: WTF is he smoking because I'll have some of that. Now... I love Andrew Luck. I think he's very good, gonna get better, and I'd be nothing less than super duper excited about the future of my team if my team had the guy. But greatest rookie qb in NFL history? I don't know if Clayton looks at the stats on the website he works for, but there's two rookie qb's this year alone who have markedly better numbers than the deserving esteemed Mr. Luck. And they've been playing football a good long while. It would take a while to look all this shiat up but at this point of the season I'm not sure Luck cracks the top ten seasons by a rookie qb, let alone best of all time.

Shhhh don't let anyone know that Russell Wilson leads the NFL in QBR since Week 5, when they actually started opening up the playbook a little. Also, we have the NFL itself tweeting that Griffin III has the fewest INTs since Week 11 with 1 (because Wilson's 0 in that timeframe is more than 1, apparently).

It's okay. Let them keep building up the hype for everyone else. Let Simmons jump off the bandwagon before the Bears game. GIVE US THE POWER OF NOBODY BELIEVED IN US!


I work with Russell Wilson's father-in-law and even he would admit that RG3 is the more electric QB right now.
2012-12-04 12:16:52 PM  
2 votes:

mitchcumstein1: The Chiefs are the worst team in the league, and it's not close. After this shiatshow last weekend I would make the argument that they may very well be the worst franchise in sports.


No doubt it's a franchise in peril. But it should be pointed out that there's a difference between "worst team" and "worst franchise." Often there is some overlap between the two (including in this case), but not always.
2012-12-04 07:06:49 PM  
1 votes:
OH FARK YOU, FARK. I TYPE MY WHOLE GODDAMN THING IN THE BOX AND HIT SUBMIT AND YOU GO ALL 500 KABLOOIE. [makes jerk-off motions] I GOT YOUR INTERNAL SERVER ERROR RIGHT HERE.

I mean, uh...
Irrational Productions presents...
The Great Tiebreaker Spreadsheet
with your host, RminusQ

Today's episode: 2012 Week 13


I was already planning to go short-and-sweet and then Fark went and ate my original post. So shorter-and-sweeter it is. AFC game-by-game
justpredictions.webs.com
Houston clinches #1 with a win and losses by Baltimore, Denver, and Indianapolis. If Cleveland gets to 8-8, they'd win a tiebreaker from either Cincy or Pitt (or both). But those two teams, Bengals and Steelers, do still have a game to go. A Steelers win would basically wrap up the six-team field.

NFC game-by-game
justpredictions.webs.com
Notice that nobody is red. Philadelphia can actually still win their division with four wins, four NYG losses, four DAL losses, and three WAS losses (or DAL-WAS can tie). Even the sad Carolina Panthers can still make it! They just need four wins, four SEA losses, three losses each by the Rams, Vikings, Bucs, Cowboys, and Redskins, plus a WAS-DAL tie, PLUS a Saints loss to the Giants PLUS exactly one loss by Arizona.
ctrayne.files.wordpress.com
Yes, Jim Cammey, there is a chance. About the same as the chance of me getting a birthday blowjob from Kaley Cuoco and all four women from Firefly. At the same time.
In the "news about good teams" category, the Giants... well... "news about mediocre teams". Whoever wins the DAL-WAS game (assuming there is a winner) will hold a tiebreaker over the Giants. That means the Giants may need to beat either Atlanta or Baltimore to reach 10 wins and secure the division. Well shiat.
Atlanta, by the way, can also clinch homefield. All they need is a win and losses by the Bears, Packers, and 49ers. Both conference's #1 seeds secured in Week 14? Just the fact that such a scenario exists surprises me.

Lastly, THE GRID:
justpredictions.webs.com
Notice the wide chasm between the decent and the suck in the AFC. Seattle's lead for 6th place in the NFC is only a game, but they hold wins over Dallas and Minnesota, and a likely better conference record over Tampa.
The SOS column tells us the Jets and Jags have had beastly schedules, while the Falcons have played only one team with a winning record (and incredibly, there's only one more such team in their future schedule). The ESS (eventual schedule strength) column tells us that KC is likely to hold the tiebreaker over Jacksonville for the #1 draft pick, but should both teams slip up, Oakland is ready to pounce.
Hypotheticals in orange-text boxes have been entered in the AFC. That's where teams can only wind up tied if one wins out and the other loses out. For instance, New England and Miami could still be tied at 9-7, but in such a case, the Patriots would win the division on division record. I haven't done so in the NFC, because the grid is still so damn crowded.
2012-12-04 05:39:44 PM  
1 votes:

Nofun: Packers behind the Ravens? I don't think so: everyone seems to forget they had one stolen by the scab refs...


The final score of that game was 7-6 Seahawks. Each team got a potato touchdown. Stop crying. The Pack is the most overrated team in the league right now.
And I like the Packers.
2012-12-04 05:22:23 PM  
1 votes:
Okay, here it is, after a while hiatus: The Totally Inaccurate Computer Rankings for week 14:

1. Houston (2432 points)
2. New England (2261)
3. Atlanta (2251)
4. Baltimore (1940.5)
5. San Francisco (1936.5)
6. Denver (1934)
7. Green Bay (1820)
8. Chicago (1759.5)
9. New York Giants (1719.5)
10. Seattle (1684)
11. Indianapolis (1592)
12. Pittsburgh (1572)
13. Cincinnati (1461.5)
14. Washington (1415)
15. Tampa Bay (1275.5)
16. Dallas (1262.5)
17. Minnesota (1254)
18. New Orleans (1199)
19. St. Louis (1192)
20. Miami (1122)
21. New York Jets (1071)
22. Detroit (967.5)
23. Buffalo (959.5)
24. Arizona (923)
25. Cleveland (892)
26. Tennessee (854)
27. San Diego (817)
28. Philadelphia (722.5)
29. Carolina (698)
30. Oakland (563)
31. Jacksonville (439)
32. Kansas City (375)
2012-12-04 04:15:45 PM  
1 votes:

IAmRight: Gonz: In case people were wondering why their brain went ahead and auto-completed "Hallelujah! Holy shiat, where's the Tylenol?"

Sadly, I most vividly remember the "Sh*t" part of it being censored by TV versions of the movie.


My annual viewing is going to be strange this year, since I know that the son grows up to earn his Ph.D and date Penny.
2012-12-04 04:09:55 PM  
1 votes:

Dr Dreidel: Treygreen13: IAmRight: Fun fact: Golden Tate has not only knocked out Sean Lee with a block that riled up Cowboys fans, but he's caught the Fail Mary, flipped into the end zone for a TD against the Vikings, made a ridiculous play to (well, what should've) beat the Bears...and he leads the NFL in passer rating.

Golden Tate also leads the league in players I would like to see get hit by a bus.

Really? Did Cortland Finnegan retire?

// I realize these are our opinions
// but Finnegan is an unmitigated douche, by pretty much every measure, according to reports both confirmed and unconfirmed throughout the league


I think Suh still stands out as the most disliked though. Finnegan hasn't really done anything outlandishly douche-worthy that I've heard of recently.
2012-12-04 04:09:17 PM  
1 votes:

IAmRight: PaulieattheTap: If can remember all of this I'm going to use it some day. I know I'll use the worm-headed sack of monkey shiat.

You might recognize it from Christmas Vacation.


In case people were wondering why their brain went ahead and auto-completed "Hallelujah! Holy shiat, where's the Tylenol?"
2012-12-04 04:06:36 PM  
1 votes:

Hugh2d2: fark the Broncos and fark that "pizza" pushin forehead monster. They won the AFC West because the other three teams are ranked 25th, 29th and 31st. fark them all with a donkey shaped dildo.


i1182.photobucket.com
2012-12-04 04:03:11 PM  
1 votes:

Treygreen13: IAmRight: Fun fact: Golden Tate has not only knocked out Sean Lee with a block that riled up Cowboys fans, but he's caught the Fail Mary, flipped into the end zone for a TD against the Vikings, made a ridiculous play to (well, what should've) beat the Bears...and he leads the NFL in passer rating.

Golden Tate also leads the league in players I would like to see get hit by a bus.


Concussion says, "What?"


www.nbc.com
2012-12-04 03:56:46 PM  
1 votes:

IAmRight: Fun fact: Golden Tate has not only knocked out Sean Lee with a block that riled up Cowboys fans, but he's caught the Fail Mary, flipped into the end zone for a TD against the Vikings, made a ridiculous play to (well, what should've) beat the Bears...and he leads the NFL in passer rating.


Golden Tate also leads the league in players I would like to see get hit by a bus.
2012-12-04 03:55:36 PM  
1 votes:

Treygreen13: Thanks. I hope I have the energy to keep the trivia up into next season.


Fun fact: Golden Tate has not only knocked out Sean Lee with a block that riled up Cowboys fans, but he's caught the Fail Mary, flipped into the end zone for a TD against the Vikings, made a ridiculous play to (well, what should've) beat the Bears...and he leads the NFL in passer rating.
2012-12-04 03:42:42 PM  
1 votes:
Wow...I think this is the first time Rob's gotten the Jake in here before I did my red & green thing.

Not much preamble this time. 10-6: it is what it is.

New Orleans Saints at Atlanta Falcons:
Okay, so I was a little high in my total points projection and I called the final just a tad closer than it actually was, but since I make the rules it's still a win. That done with, let's talk about Drew Brees' performance here: his five interceptions were the most he's thrown in a game since...well, I don't know, some time in college maybe? High School? Pee Wee Leagues? He certainly hadn't done that in the NFL before Thursday night, anyway...in fact, back in his breakout year of 2004 he threw seven total. In 15 starts. 1-0

Jacksonville Jaguars at Buffalo Bills:
Just as I said, Buffalo wins a "squeaker" by a 34-18 count. Jacksonville actually did a pretty decent job of containing C.J. Spiller, limiting him to just 5.5 yards per carry; that's not sarcasm, though at least part of that is rooted in the fact that Buffalo was already on the Jags' 41 when Spiller broke his long touchdown run. Also, how about that Ryan Fitzpatrick? 9/17 for 112 yards...that's franchise player production at its finest. 2-0


Seattle Seahawks at Chicago Bears:
Chicago hadn't seen a collapse of this magnitude since Rod Blagojevich became an ex-politician. I mean, credit where it's due: Russell Wilson had a heckuva game and Golden Tate is threatening to become known for more than just catching* a winning* pass on the final play in Green Bay, but the Bears just ran out of gas on both sides of the ball once the fourth quarter hit. One potential problem for Chicago on offense could be that Brandon Marshall hauled in 10 passes for 165 yards, while the rest of the team caught 7 for 68. Even Andy Reid could see that pattern. 2-1

Indianapolis Colts at Detroit Lions:
Speaking of agonizing defeats, WTF Detroit? In the past three weeks, the Lions have taken leads into the fourth quarter against Green Bay, Houston, and now Indianapolis...and are 0-3. All three times at home. Much more of that and this will cease to be bad football and graduate all the way to Greek Tragedy status. Meanwhile, with the Colts holding an inside track to a playoff berth at 8-4 and Peyton having already clinched a division title in Denver, the whole Andrew Luck thing is looking like one of those rare personnel changes that works out well for everyone. Well, not so much for Timmysprinkles. 2-2


Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers:
21 carries for 210 yards. That was Adrian Peterson's production on the ground in this one, and like so many other statistics it requires a bit of perspective to fully appreciate. Like, for example, the fact that Peterson has now gained 489 yards in his last three games, while Alex Green leads the Packers in rushing with 360 yards. Not over the last three games, over the season. Green Bay is back in first place with their 8-4 record, but disparities like that don't bode well for them come January. 3-2

Carolina Panthers at Kansas City Chiefs:
While I'm sure the fans would rather Kansas City got back into the win column without such heavy baggage, it still has to be nice for these guys to finally come out on top again. On the opposite side of the spectrum we have Cam Newton and the Carolina Panthers, who are probably not as good as their 3-9 record might indicate. At least Cam has his fine acting ability to fall back on. 4-2

New England Patriots at Miami Dolphins:
So pretty much everyone knew the Pats would win this one, but I doubt anybody expected it to be by just seven points. Perhaps not entirely by coincidence, this marked Miami's seventh loss of the season. And Ryan Tannehill failed to throw a touchdown pass in the game, leaving him stuck on...seven, for the season. For New England, this marked their...well, their sixth win in a row. Maybe it was entirely by coincidence. 5-2

Arizona Cardinals at New York Jets:
This was one of those games where absolutely everyone involved would probably like to see it stricken from the record. Except maybe Greg McElroy. 6-2


San Francisco 49ers at St. Louis Rams:
If I were a fan of the San Francisco 49ers I'd be doing two things right about now: first, I'd be finding that old apartment I lived in back in '95 and parking myself there to watch the rest of the games this season. Second, and perhaps more importantly, I'd be praying to the Holy Trinity (you know: Bill Walsh, Joe Montana, and Jerry Rice) that the St. Louis Rams don't somehow sneak into the playoffs and face my boys in the wild card round. Come to think of it, all of America might want to pray for that not to happen, because they keep going until someone actually wins in the postseason. 6-3


Houston Texans at Tennessee Titans:
Give Jake Locker some credit here. I mean sure, he threw three interceptions and lost two fumbles in the game, but he completed less than half of his passes. Well that doesn't work. He engineered a near-comeback against the mighty...okay, not really that either. He did throw for 309 yards and add 38 more on the ground. That's pretty good. Hey, in Nashville they take what they can get. 7-3

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Denver Broncos:
Denver clinched the AFC West with the win, moving to 9-3 on the season, but as it turns out they would have clinched even had they lost. That really says something about a division at this point in the season. On the other side of the field, the Bucs now need some help down the stretch to keep their unlikely playoff aspirations alive. 8-3


Pittsburgh Steelers at Baltimore Ravens:
Okay, so let's skip over the talk of winning streaks coming to a close, overrated quarterbacks failing to get anything going on offense, and coordinators inexplicably opting (again) not to even try to run the ball with a second-half lead. Let's focus instead on Charlie Batch, a guy who is so old that he actually handed the ball off to Barry Sanders. Seriously, Batch's rookie season in Detroit was Barry's final year in the NFL. There were only 30 teams in the league when Batch broke in. While Charlie was starting as a rookie in Detroit in 1998, Jim Harbaugh was starting 12 games for the Baltimore Ravens. Jim's brother, John, had just landed his first NFL coaching job, as an assistant under Ray Rhodes in Philadelphia; the following year, Rhodes would be replaced by first-time Head Coach Andy Reid. Up in Pittsburgh, the Steelers were limping to a disappointing 7-9 finish under exciting second-year starter Kordell Stewart, while a rookie receiver by the name of Hines Ward caught 15 passes for 246 yards. The point I'm trying to make is, Charlie Batch is freaking old. And he just led the Pittsburgh Steelers to a come-from-behind victory against the once-proud Baltimore Ravens defense, while Joe Flacco, Ray Rice, and the rest of the offense could do nothing more than watch in between 3 & outs and turnovers. Well played, Steelers...well played. 8-4


Cleveland Browns at Oakland Raiders:
Speaking of once-proud franchises, here are two of the finest examples the NFL has to offer. Cleveland picks up their first road victory since week 2 of 2011 and improves to 4-8, leaving them just one win shy of tying their best season total since 2007. Oakland, coming off back-to-back 8-8 seasons, have not had a winning year since 2002. Well, at least these two teams can look forward to yet more early draft picks as they continue to build for the future. Oh...sorry, Raider fans. 9-4


Cincinnati Bengals at San Diego Chargers:
San Diego Charger fanatics, rejoice! Yes, you lost to the Cincinnati Bengals, at home. Yes, Philip Rivers threw more touchdown passes to Cincy than he did to his teammates. Yes, your Chargers managed only 46 rushing yards in the game. And yes, this loss effectively, if not mathematically, ends whatever playoff hopes you might still have had. But there is a silver lining: by clinching a second consecutive non-winning season and almost certainly a third straight January off, you may have finally rid yourselves of Norv Turner once and for all. Oh, and Bengals fans: your team controls its own playoff destiny from this point on. 9-5


Philadelphia Eagles at Dallas Cowboys:
And speaking of lame duck Head Coaches, Andy Reid's Eagles clinch their first losing record since 2005. Bryce Brown made it two straight games with over 150 rushing yards, and only fumbled once this time. On defense, Philly allowed Dallas to break the 100-yard rushing barrier for the second time in two meetings this season; Dallas has achieved that feat only two other times against the rest of the NFL this year. Tony Romo threw three touchdown passes in a game for the third time in 2012, but for the first time without throwing at least one interception. But before you Cowboy backers get all excited, keep in mind that despite all of this Dallas needed a 21-point fourth quarter to notch a 38-33 victory. 10-5


New York Giants at Washington Redskins:
I really should have seen this one coming. I mean, sure: the Giants laid a beatdown on Green Bay last week and Washington's 2-game winning streak was only due to having played the Eagles and Cowboys on consecutive weekends, but this is the NFC East. If history has taught us one thing, it's that no team can ever create separation in this division. Ever. Well, okay, in 2008 the Giants won the division by 2 1/2 games (farking ties), but you know what I'm talking about. The best way to muddle things up again was for the Redskins to win, thereby dropping New York to a mere one-game advantage over Washington and Dallas and creating a potential tie-breaking nightmare. 10-6
2012-12-04 03:42:27 PM  
1 votes:

Di Atribe:


LucklessWonder: Damn, thought I was on mobile fark and forgot to snip down my prior post. Apologies

Typical Redskins fan


6 - 6 (3 -1 division) h-t-h tie breaker against Dallas...

And even Cowboys fans love the Redskins QB.
2012-12-04 03:38:23 PM  
1 votes:

lecavalier: I have a feeling the Patriots are going to beat the Texans quite handily. I know that sounds crazy but I can see a 34-14 win.


Yea I'm having the same feeling that it will be over by halftime. Too many damn injuries in the secondary. Brady is going to put up a forty-burger.
2012-12-04 03:20:49 PM  
1 votes:

robsul82:
thestorydept.thestorydepartme3.netdna-cdn.com

Dear Rob,

If you're reading this, I'm in the lead for The Jake. And if I did that badly, maybe you're willing to go a little further...past the edge of what your handwriting clearly suggests. You remember the name of the Chiefs' starting quarterback, don't you?

"Brady Quinn...Captain Courageous?" I thought, a single and ever-so-manly tear rolling down my cheek.

Exactly. Be courageous and take heart in the fact that Mark Sanchez is out there. So is Christian Ponder, and Cam Newton, and maybe Ryan Fitzpatrick wants to pick just the right week to stop being the bridesmaid and finally be the bride. Remember, Rob, hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies. I will be hoping this letter finds you, and finds you well.

Your friend and personal savior,

Drew


Holy shiat actual LOL.
2012-12-04 03:17:23 PM  
1 votes:

Di Atribe: Anyway. I appreciate your efforts in narrative-squashing. We could all use a bit more actual facts in the face of "that's just what I heard."



I heard Tony Romo is Honey Boo-Boo's father. That's just what I heard.
2012-12-04 03:13:24 PM  
1 votes:
I have a feeling the Patriots are going to beat the Texans quite handily. I know that sounds crazy but I can see a 34-14 win.
2012-12-04 03:07:01 PM  
1 votes:
I don't think I've even gone to the actual Power Rankings link anymore. This thread has become all the recap for the week I need.
2012-12-04 03:01:50 PM  
1 votes:

had98c: mootmah: WHAR GRAF

She's too busy chiding me for being non-cheery on FB at the moment. Heh.


I mean really, how dare you!???

i.imgur.com

Ohgawd, that cat, I can't even take it!

OK here GRAF1:

i.imgur.com


Linky popper to bigger

Useless metadata:

Change from Week 1 to this week :
One 23 point drop: Eagles
The next most drastic drop is the Chiefs, with 15 spots.
One 23 point jump: Colts
The next most drastic jump is the Vikings, with 13

Two teams ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE (back at their Week 1 rankings): 49ers & Ravens

Number of times rankings have changed:
4 teams have changed every week: Chargers, Cowboys, Rams, Dolphins
1 team has moved 4x: Jaguars
(All the same as last week, except add another move to the Jags)

Difference between high rank & low rank:
Lowest fluctuation: Jaguars with 3
Highest fluctuation: Eagles & Colts both with 23, but in opposite directions
Average fluctuation: 11.56

Overall fluctuation travel:
Smallest: Jaguars with 5
Highest: Saints & Colts with 47

Teams hitting their highest rank this week: Broncos, Redskins, Browns, & Colts
Teams hitting their lowest rank this week: Lions, Chargers, Cardinals, & Jags
Seven teams did not change rank:

Five teams have held the #1 spot
2012-12-04 02:44:40 PM  
1 votes:
The Eagles are where they should be. This is the worst I have ever seen this team since I got into football.
2012-12-04 02:40:35 PM  
1 votes:

IAmRight: JohnBigBootay: ***snip***
It's okay. Let them keep building up the hype for everyone else. Let Simmons jump off the bandwagon before the Bears game. GIVE US THE POWER OF NOBODY BELIEVED IN US!


If he recreates this glorious/terrible moment in GB/SEA history, I will tout him as the greatest rookie QB in NFL history.
2012-12-04 02:26:19 PM  
1 votes:

JohnBigBootay: WTF is he smoking because I'll have some of that. Now... I love Andrew Luck. I think he's very good, gonna get better, and I'd be nothing less than super duper excited about the future of my team if my team had the guy. But greatest rookie qb in NFL history? I don't know if Clayton looks at the stats on the website he works for, but there's two rookie qb's this year alone who have markedly better numbers than the deserving esteemed Mr. Luck. And they've been playing football a good long while. It would take a while to look all this shiat up but at this point of the season I'm not sure Luck cracks the top ten seasons by a rookie qb, let alone best of all time.

Shhhh

don't let anyone know that Russell Wilson leads the NFL in QBR since Week 5, when they actually started opening up the playbook a little. Also, we have the NFL itself tweeting that Griffin III has the fewest INTs since Week 11 with 1 (because Wilson's 0 in that timeframe is more than 1, apparently).

It's okay. Let them keep building up the hype for everyone else. Let Simmons jump off the bandwagon before the Bears game. GIVE US THE POWER OF NOBODY BELIEVED IN US!
2012-12-04 02:15:42 PM  
1 votes:
People, people. Turnovers are the only thing that matter in The Jake, unless there is a tie. It doesn't matter if QB #1 goes 27/32 with 4 TDs and 5 INTs and QB #2 goes 3/40 with 0TDs and 4 INTs. Unless QB #1 with his 5 picks wins the game and therefore gets a "winners exemption" like Matt Ryan did versus the Cardinals, he wins The Jake every time. Stats don't matter.
2012-12-04 02:11:34 PM  
1 votes:

VTGremlin: NewWorldDan: scottydoesntknow: Anyone else think Breesus for The Jake? I think it'll be Breesus for The Jake.

It's a close one, but Brees still threw for 341 yards. It may finally be Ponder's long over due chance to win the Jake. He looked like a franchise QB when he took apart the 49ers, but he's been dreadful since then. Sure, he's got no recievers to throw to, but even at that, it's been exceptionally bad.

That's not how The Jake works. The Jake is based on turnovers, and turnovers alone, in recognition of Jake Delhomme's 6 turnover preformance(5 INT, 1 FUM in a playoff game on his birthday). The only options for this week are Brees(5 INT) or Locker(3 INT 2 FUM), as they both had 5 turnovers. No one else can win it.


And it really has to be Breesus or robsul82 will never live it down.
2012-12-04 02:09:47 PM  
1 votes:

NewWorldDan: scottydoesntknow: Anyone else think Breesus for The Jake? I think it'll be Breesus for The Jake.

It's a close one, but Brees still threw for 341 yards. It may finally be Ponder's long over due chance to win the Jake. He looked like a franchise QB when he took apart the 49ers, but he's been dreadful since then. Sure, he's got no recievers to throw to, but even at that, it's been exceptionally bad.


That's not how The Jake works. The Jake is based on turnovers, and turnovers alone, in recognition of Jake Delhomme's 6 turnover preformance(5 INT, 1 FUM in a playoff game on his birthday). The only options for this week are Brees(5 INT) or Locker(3 INT 2 FUM), as they both had 5 turnovers. No one else can win it.
2012-12-04 02:09:35 PM  
1 votes:
Not every undefeated team deserves a playoff bid. That's why there's the Fifth Weekennial Official Unofficial NFL Colley Rankings and Tier List!

You want to know the difference between human pollsters and emotionless computers? Scroll down to the bottom. ESPN gave the Chiefs a reprieve from dead last (no pun intended, you horrible person) after winning the Jovan Belcher Kasandra Perkins Memorial Bowl. The Matrix said "fark that, you still suck." Though they did at least play their way out of the Shiat Tier.

Otherwise, no major surprises. The four teams that have clinched are in the top five. The three teams that have... anti-clinched?... are at the bottom. And in a relatively rare occurrence, the twelve teams that would go to the playoffs if the season ended today are in the top twelve positions. (To put that in perspective, when Seattle made their Trollhawk run a couple years back, they finished the regular season ranked #22.)

Now then, here are some numbers and team names. As always, a plus means the computer rank is higher than the pollsters' and a minus means vice versa.

God Tier (2.0 < Z)
1) Houston Texans
Top Tier (1.5 < Z < 2.0)
2) Atlanta Falcons
Very High Tier (1.0 < Z < 1.5)
3) New England Patriots
4) San Francisco 49ers
5) Denver Broncos
6) Green Bay Packers (+1)
7) Baltimore Ravens (-1)
8) Chicago Bears
High Tier (0.5 < Z < 1.0)
9) Indianapolis Colts
10) Seattle Seahawks (+2)
Upper Mid Tier (0.0 < Z < 0.5)
11) New York Giants (-1)
12) Pittsburgh Steelers (+1)
13) St. Louis Rams (+6)
14) Cincinnati Bengals (-3)
15) Minnesota Vikings (+2)
16) New York Jets (+6)
Lower Mid Tier (-0.5 < Z < 0.0)
17) Dallas Cowboys (-1)
18) Washington Redskins (-4)
19) Miami Dolphins (+1)
20) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-5)
21) Buffalo Bills (+2)
22) New Orleans Saints (-4)
Low Tier (-1.0 < Z < -0.5)
23) Arizona Cardinals (+4)
24) Tennessee Titans (+2)
25) Detroit Lions (-4)
26) Cleveland Browns (-2)
Very Low Tier (-1.5 < Z < -1.0)
27) San Diego Chargers (-2)
28) Carolina Panthers
29) Philadelphia Eagles (+1)
30) Jacksonville Jaguars (+2)
31) Oakland Raiders (-2)
Bottom Tier (-2.0 < Z < -1.5)
32) Kansas City Chiefs (-1)
S#!t Tier (Z < -2.0)
(none)


Charts: Original Ratings | Normalized Ratings | Power Rankings
2012-12-04 01:52:18 PM  
1 votes:
i291.photobucket.com


Welcome back to the trivia game where the host is all hopped up on goofballs, the players are secretly masturbating to a photo of Robert Griffin III, and the questions are (mostly) unknowable! Hands off snakey for now, though, at least until round 3. We've got questions on QBs, Defenses, and WAGs. What are WAGs? Wives and Girlfriends of NFL players. Yep, this week is extra sexy. Not as sexy as the NFL Referee hand-signals but pretty close. Let's get started.

Three categories, 3 questions each. Feel free to answer in the thread. Answers will go up at 1:30 PM CST.

Name that QB:

1. The NFL average for completion percentage is 61.4%. Which NFL QB is the closest to the NFL average when it comes to completion percentage?
2. After a rough week, Drew Brees took the NFL lead in Interceptions. Wait, scratch that. Drew Brees is actually tied with someone at the top with 16 INTs. But who?
3. Nothing illustrates the bizarre Week 13 for QBs more than this player leading the week in completions.

Name that Defense:

1. This man stands over the body of the QB. He stands as the yang to offense's yin. He leads the NFL in sacks.
2. Stout defense should get the other team off the field on 3rd down. But what about 4th down? This team has only allowed 1 4th down conversion and allows the lowest percentage of 4th down conversions.
3. Interceptions are exciting. Pick sixes are even more exciting. 99 yard pick sixes are probably the most exciting defensive play to witness. This team has a 99 yard pick six this season.

Name that Hottie WAG

www.athleteswives.com
1. Which NFL player is this Wife and/or Girlfriend NFL married to?

styleboston.tv
2. Which NFL Head Coach is dating this WAG?

www.playerwives.com
3. This leggy WAG is married to which RB?


Alright! Pencils down, pants up. Answers go up in a half-hour or so.
2012-12-04 01:47:43 PM  
1 votes:
Anyone else think Breesus for The Jake? I think it'll be Breesus for The Jake.

/Has Breesus ever recieved The Jake before?
2012-12-04 01:46:09 PM  
1 votes:
And for simplicity's sake:
i.imgur.com
i.imgur.com
i.imgur.com
i.imgur.com


And this week's edition
i.imgur.com
i.imgur.com
2012-12-04 01:45:52 PM  
1 votes:

Cyberluddite: It seems like they are a team who could beat or lose to any given team.


Same with the Cowboys.
2012-12-04 01:36:39 PM  
1 votes:
I know it's not possible, but still. The Jaguars are too damn high.
2012-12-04 01:35:50 PM  
1 votes:
The third-string of the Steelers beat the Ravens, proving that even the Steelers' third string is for real, and they only go up one point?

Think about this. Batch just proved that he can still do it, that last week was just shaking off rust. That gives the Steelers a lot less pressure to get Ben back on the field and lets him rest another game or two.

By the playoffs, the Steelers are in on a wild card and the Quarterback (and other key players) are healthy and rested. Nice place to be.
2012-12-04 01:35:43 PM  
1 votes:
And without further ado, thecpt and Bunny Deville present to you This Week's version of The FAIL

For those who missed it last night, here is the inaugural fail
2012-12-04 01:33:37 PM  
1 votes:

IAmRight: I kinda agree with Sando's rankings, which actually seem to be based on current trends rather than simply "look at that record!"

Cardinals and Eagles haven't won in the past eight weeks - they can currently be the worst teams in football.

The Cardinals just lost to the Jets, FFS.


Agreed. The Eagles should be somewhere about 40th right now.
2012-12-04 01:33:13 PM  
1 votes:
I'm just gonna put this right here...

thebiglead.fantasysportsven.netdna-cdn.com



Was at the game last night - one of the better games I've been to in a long, long while. Pissed they rank us in the middle of the league, but a win on Sunday will fix alll that :)
2012-12-04 01:32:57 PM  
1 votes:
From another Sando article:

"The Seahawks' opponents have made all 18 field-goal tries, making Seattle the only team in the NFL yet to benefit from an opponent's miss through Week 13."

No wonder it feels like we never catch a f*cking break on those.
2012-12-04 01:15:38 PM  
1 votes:
From the redlit thread (with slight edits):

<asshole mode>anyone else find it fishy that KC jumped a spot this week?</asshole mode> Surely, any emotional boost is a good one, but are they really a better team, relative to the rest of the league, than they were last week?

// because Power Rankings are srs bznss, and the Dow Jones will be overvaluing the Chiefs now
// OMG FOOTBALL BUBBLE
// I'm moving all my money to hockey futures
2012-12-04 01:02:23 PM  
1 votes:

Nofun: Packers behind the Ravens? I don't think so: everyone seems to forget they had one stolen by the scab refs...


That's ridiculous. Everyone knows they're called potato refs. Get a brain moran.
2012-12-04 12:16:36 PM  
1 votes:
The Texans are still #1 (YAY!)

Broncos should be #4, not #5

Jets should've stayed where they were. They're the most dysfunctional team in the NFL right now.

I have no problem with the Chiefs moving above the Jags. The Chiefs won and the Jags lost. Was it motivated a little by the tragedy? Sure, but I see nothing wrong with bumping them from last.
2012-12-04 12:10:32 PM  
1 votes:
The Chiefs are the worst team in the league, and it's not close. After this shiatshow last weekend I would make the argument that they may very well be the worst franchise in sports.
 
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