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(Coed Magazine)   So you didn't win the Powerball jackpot. At least you aren't one of these losers who actually won the lottery   (coedmagazine.com) divider line 15
    More: Sad, Powerball, Erick Dampier, substance dependence  
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17070 clicks; posted to Main » on 30 Nov 2012 at 8:54 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2012-11-30 10:09:40 PM  
3 votes:
A man rushed into his house and yelled to his wife, "Susan, pack your things. I just won the National Lottery!'
'Brilliant,' replied Susan, 'shall I pack for warm weather or cold?'
'I don't care.' the man said, 'just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
2012-11-30 09:18:32 PM  
2 votes:
Thanks subby. The article was okay, but I found the link at the bottom and I took a ride down Hump Blvd.

/DAT ASS x 51
2012-11-30 09:12:36 PM  
2 votes:

Frank N Stein: With my powerball numbers, I would have won 250k with the regular Illinois lotto.

/pretty bitter.


I know how you feel. With my numbers I would have won the North Dakota Hot Lotto Triple Sizzler on 12 June, 1987.
2012-11-30 09:02:58 PM  
2 votes:

Mercury: Speak for yourself. 7 of us pooled our money on tickets and we won $4.


Can I borrow a dollar for my...um... charity? She dances down at the Lusty Leopard.
2012-12-01 02:14:08 AM  
1 votes:
Bah. I'm not frittering away my time making complex plans for when I win the Powerball; no, I'm busy frittering away my time making complex plans for when I invent a practical perpetual-motion machine made out of popsicle sticks that solves all of the Earth's energy problems.

/yes, it involves giving 'happy money' to the dying oil industry so they don't put a contract out on me
//and, yes, part of my scheme involves a ceremony where I laugh in the faces of patent-office officials who regard perpetual-motion machines as crackpot science
///and when I have an absolute monopoly over the Earth's energy production, I'll start making plans for the day that the Jupiterians elect me president of the solar system
////it could happen *sigh*
2012-12-01 12:15:06 AM  
1 votes:
I would fill a swimming pool with hundred dollar bills, soak the bills in butane, and light it on fire. Anyone who wants to chance it, the deal is all you can carry.
2012-12-01 12:03:44 AM  
1 votes:
It would be really fun to produce a reality show with the scammers and deadbeats. Hire someone to respond to every call and letter to the winner. Like other shows, a certain amount of casting picks out the most entertaining ones. They are allowed into the studio after security screening and signing releases, and anything they say or do is on camera.

It'll be train wreck after train wreck revealing what sorry greedy wretches they are, and Americans loves them some train wrecks. Then you can have a staff vet everything they say, do background research, and call them back to the show to excoriate them for their lies... Penalties could be creative. Pie in the face, the trap door, chewed out by bible ladies, slammed by wrestlers, hot chicks with paintball guns, or introduction to local law enforcement about those old warrants... Fun!

The usual devices, like pre-pitch and post-pitch interviews, and diary cams fill time, followed by the sponsored Room of Entitlement where groups of them argue about who deserves it more!
2012-11-30 11:10:45 PM  
1 votes:

Samwise Gamgee: Bah, you people don't think big enough.

My evil plan:

1. Start a private college.
Note: Do not do this entirely with your own funds. Get together with investors but maintain control of the project. Do not put all your funds on the line; share the liability.

2. Use your hundreds of millions to hire the best and brightest researchers and rock-star scientists, poaching them from institutions around the globe.
Note: pick a small but progressive town to construct in, that will recognize what the construction of such a college could do for the community, and therefore create a tax-and-building-code friendly environment for you.

3. Remember the amazing private research laboratories that used be run by Bell, HP, Sony, etc, before they all sold out to making printer toner and Playstations? Offer to outsource old-school R&D to companies like these (you do have the best and the brightest researchers, now) - if in return, they will come to your college first when they are looking for fresh-faced new graduates to hire. This will give your college a reputation for not only having the best research program in the world, but a place in which it seems that every graduate walks into a solid job with a large tech company.

3.1. Start a few side gigs. Nothing crazy grandiose, just some mildly successful businesses in various industries. Or make good connections with other business owners/industry types. When the second-tier graduates graduate, send them job offers and hire them in whatever positions you can squeeze them in (or use your contacts to get them hired). The goal here is to ensure job placement for as many of your students as possible, to build the reputation of the college.

4. Offer kickass scholarships (funded with aid from the organizations mentioned above that you partner with) to what quickly becomes the most prestigious private college in the world. Every parent worth a damn wants their child to attend (YourNameHere) University. The name of your school start ...


Brain? Is that you?
25.media.tumblr.com
2012-11-30 11:05:12 PM  
1 votes:
Bah, you people don't think big enough.

My evil plan:

1. Start a private college.
Note: Do not do this entirely with your own funds. Get together with investors but maintain control of the project. Do not put all your funds on the line; share the liability.

2. Use your hundreds of millions to hire the best and brightest researchers and rock-star scientists, poaching them from institutions around the globe.
Note: pick a small but progressive town to construct in, that will recognize what the construction of such a college could do for the community, and therefore create a tax-and-building-code friendly environment for you.

3. Remember the amazing private research laboratories that used be run by Bell, HP, Sony, etc, before they all sold out to making printer toner and Playstations? Offer to outsource old-school R&D to companies like these (you do have the best and the brightest researchers, now) - if in return, they will come to your college first when they are looking for fresh-faced new graduates to hire. This will give your college a reputation for not only having the best research program in the world, but a place in which it seems that every graduate walks into a solid job with a large tech company.

3.1. Start a few side gigs. Nothing crazy grandiose, just some mildly successful businesses in various industries. Or make good connections with other business owners/industry types. When the second-tier graduates graduate, send them job offers and hire them in whatever positions you can squeeze them in (or use your contacts to get them hired). The goal here is to ensure job placement for as many of your students as possible, to build the reputation of the college.

4. Offer kickass scholarships (funded with aid from the organizations mentioned above that you partner with) to what quickly becomes the most prestigious private college in the world. Every parent worth a damn wants their child to attend (YourNameHere) University. The name of your school starts being bandied about in the same context as Yale, Harvard, Oxford, MIT, etc.

5. Once you get successful, do what no other school has done - and I think this is a kickass idea - FRANCHISE! Start opening private primary and secondary schools across the country under the "brand" of the college. Pay your teachers well and demand the highest standards of education. Imagine a 'Harvard High School' in your hometown, and the draw it would bring. Key, here, is that students going to your private school would be the first up for grabs for scholarships/admission to the university, naturally. So that you don't seem too exclusive, you open up free summer/night classes/workshops available to any public school students who wish to attend, free of charge - and the exemplary students among these can earn credits/discounts/free admission to the private school itself. Everyone is going to have a positive view of what you're doing and want their children to be a part of it. You'll make money off the regular private school enrollment while earning public favor by taking on the best and the brightest of the public school's students free of charge.

6. This is where my evil plan becomes an evil plan. You now control the hearts and minds of the best and the brightest educators, scientists/researchers, students, and key business leaders around the globe. You've groomed key industry leaders and politicians from the age of adolescence onward. I think you can see where this goes from here. You either run for President and directly control the world (because you already influence all the key people in it), or you choose to get your own groomed puppets installed in key offices and pull strings from the shadows.

7. Rule the world.
2012-11-30 10:35:15 PM  
1 votes:
"He also "donated" a lot of money to casinos, bars and hookers."

What's Dionie Reyes' Fark handle?
2012-11-30 09:18:01 PM  
1 votes:
Do not tell people you are going to do good with your money. Every charity, moocher and con-artist on the Earth will say to themselves: KA-CHING!

I plan to use my lottery winnings purely for evil. Anybody who asks me for a cent is in deep, deep, shiat.

You can do a lot of hurt with $300,000,000. Just look at Romney's political campaign. Romney is super-rich and has still cost the Massachusetts voters more than he has. He cost the Republicans over a billion dollars and what did they get for his trouble?

Eviiiiiiiiiiiiiiil! I think I will have a man servant named Mephistocles. That's a great name. I'm surprised that more Southerners didn't have slaves named that.

My campaign slogan: Faust in War, Faust in Peace!
2012-11-30 09:12:36 PM  
1 votes:

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: Mercury: Speak for yourself. 7 of us pooled our money on tickets and we won $4.

WE'RE GOING TO TIJUANA!!!!!


Is that how much a Donkey Show costs now?
2012-11-30 09:11:06 PM  
1 votes:

Mercury: Speak for yourself. 7 of us pooled our money on tickets and we won $4.


WE'RE GOING TO TIJUANA!!!!!
2012-11-30 09:03:09 PM  
1 votes:

Mercury: Speak for yourself. 7 of us pooled our money on tickets and we won $4.


I'd watch my back if I were you.
2012-11-30 09:00:40 PM  
1 votes:
Speak for yourself. 7 of us pooled our money on tickets and we won $4.
 
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