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(Business Insider)   What a stressed out Chinese kid's essay might look like   (businessinsider.com ) divider line
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11663 clicks; posted to Geek » on 28 Nov 2012 at 10:28 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-11-28 04:55:22 PM  
i would say he just has a good sense of humor. that is a rare gift for a chinese kid. i like this one.
 
2012-11-28 05:00:35 PM  
Sounds like a DirecTV ad.
 
2012-11-28 05:00:52 PM  
I'd like to take the article more seriously, but I keep looking over at the letter thinking, 'east Asian calligraphy is beautiful.'
 
2012-11-28 05:03:13 PM  
That's pretty funny.
 
2012-11-28 05:20:28 PM  
+1, that was good for a chuckle.
 
2012-11-28 05:22:42 PM  
I think China is getting back at us for that Onion article. It sounds like satire.
 
2012-11-28 05:50:33 PM  
i.imgur.com
 
2012-11-28 05:57:04 PM  

styckx: [i.imgur.com image 400x387]


niiiiice!
 
2012-11-28 08:34:23 PM  
That kid has reached "I am personally responsible for everything that is wrong in the world" code red level and needs a vacation on the beach, a Quaalude, and a couple thousand BJs.
 
I'm not a doctor but I play one on the interwebby.
 
2012-11-28 08:37:51 PM  

some_beer_drinker: i would say he just has a good sense of humor. that is a rare gift for a chinese kid. i like this one.


I laughed.

Good one, Chinese kid.
 
2012-11-28 08:43:56 PM  
Oh, Christ, one of my students wrote something almost exactly like this about six months ago. I wish I'd made him famous.

/Japan
 
2012-11-28 09:15:22 PM  

styckx: i.imgur.com


Hah!
 
2012-11-28 09:24:00 PM  
It is something I might have written a couple years a go. Too bad that no one has told this kid that nothing he's learning will be useful to him.
 
2012-11-28 09:25:36 PM  

phlegmmo: Sounds like a DirecTV ad.


Came here for this.

Don't study yourself into a coma. Get DirecTV.

or

Don't turn your country into a barbaric race.
 
2012-11-28 10:05:27 PM  

brap: That kid has reached "I am personally responsible for everything that is wrong in the world" code red level and needs a vacation on the beach, a Quaalude, and a couple thousand BJs.
 
I'm not a doctor but I play one on the interwebby.


At most he's earned a single BJ from the second cutest girl in the class.
 
2012-11-28 10:08:02 PM  
What a stressed out wife's letter might look like:

s-ak.buzzfed.com
 
2012-11-28 10:31:44 PM  
sounds like one my neurotic ramblings...maybe it's in the blood...
 
2012-11-28 10:34:30 PM  
If you give a Mao a fortune cookie......
 
2012-11-28 10:37:05 PM  
Have a Coke and a smile.
 
2012-11-28 11:00:24 PM  
"Blaine is a pain and that is the truth..."
 
2012-11-28 11:10:05 PM  

jmadisonbiii: What a stressed out wife's letter might look like:


I've never seen that and my god it made laugh.

Thank you for that; it was very needed!
 
2012-11-28 11:13:50 PM  
"If the Chinese people degenerate into a barbaric race, then the USA will begin to suspect that our nation has large-scale murderous weapons..."

Uh, we already know you do. Also, we fought your country by proxy in the Korean and Vietnam wars.

/Now make my phone!
 
2012-11-28 11:15:21 PM  
needlemeethaystack.com
 
2012-11-28 11:16:11 PM  

Ambivalence: I think China is getting back at us for that Onion article. It sounds like satire.


BINGO! My thoughts exactly. It is satire, taking the foibles of life to an obvious extreme. And I was thinking of that recent Onion article, too.
 
2012-11-28 11:23:11 PM  
I do coke to get the energy to work harder to make more money to buy more coke to get the energy to work harder to make more money to buy more coke to get the energy to work harder to make more money to buy more coke to get the energy to work harder to make more money to buy more coke to get the energy to work harder to make more money to buy more coke to get the energy to work harder to make more money to buy more coke to get the energy to work harder to make more money to buy more coke ...
 
2012-11-28 11:25:27 PM  

ArmednHammered: "Blaine is a pain and that is the truth..."


Blaine was from Maine. But for about 1,000 votes in New York, Grover Cleveland got his first term instead of Blaine. Oh the pain
 
2012-11-28 11:32:07 PM  

Makh: phlegmmo: Sounds like a DirecTV ad.

Came here for this.

Don't study yourself into a coma. Get DirecTV.

or

Don't turn your country into a barbaric race.



That's exactly what I thought too.
if I don't make money then I can't pay taxes, if I don't pay taxes then it will be difficult for the country to pay salary to teachers, if teachers can't get paid then they will not be dedicated to teaching, if they are not dedicated to teaching, then this will impact our nation's future, if our nation's future is impacted, then it will be difficult for China to advance and develop, and the Chinese people will degenerate into a barbaric race. If the Chinese people degenerate into a barbaric race, then the USA will begin to suspect that our nation has large-scale murderous weapons, if our nation has large-scale murderous weapons, then the USA will start a war with China and World War III will erupt

Don't let world War 3 erupt. Get DirectTV today.
 
2012-11-28 11:32:27 PM  

rocinante721: I do coke to get the energy to work harder to make more money to buy more coke to get the energy to work harder to make more money to buy more coke to get the energy to work harder to make more money to buy more coke to get the energy to work harder to make more money to buy more coke to get the energy to work harder to make more money to buy more coke to get the energy to work harder to make more money to buy more coke to get the energy to work harder to make more money to buy more coke ...


And then make pee-pee in coke
 
2012-11-28 11:37:18 PM  
All I'll say is I've never heard of an Asian family that threw their kid a middle school graduation party, and they're kicking everyone else's asses more and more each year.
 
2012-11-28 11:49:16 PM  

brap: That kid has reached "I am personally responsible for everything that is wrong in the world" code red level and needs a vacation on the beach, a Quaalude, and a couple thousand BJs.
 
I'm not a doctor but I play one on the interwebby.


thecrate.webs.com
 
2012-11-28 11:55:11 PM  
I totally believe an actual Chinese student wrote that, just like every other totally real hilarious term paper that has ever been published on internet message boards.
 
2012-11-28 11:55:14 PM  
englishwell.info

Don't need a school?

If neegah no go to school, neegah no get a job.
If neegah no get a job, neegah no make no money.
If neegah no make no money, neegah no be able to afford BMW 7 series, neegha!
 
2012-11-29 12:03:10 AM  

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: styckx: i.imgur.com

Hah!


I taught English in China for eight years...this paper has the stink of memorized English corner article, the fact that you've heard something similar too makes me extra suspicious...

Any decent jobs teaching English to adults there in Japan?
 
2012-11-29 12:04:38 AM  

b2theory: It is something I might have written a couple years a go. Too bad that no one has told this kid that nothing he's learning will be useful to him.


I taught English in China for eight years...this paper has the stink of memorized English corner article, the fact that you've heard something similar too makes me extra suspicious...

Any decent jobs teaching English to adults there in Japan?
 
2012-11-29 12:05:44 AM  

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: styckx: i.imgur.com

Hah!


Sorry, I wrote my previous post to you meaning to give it to the other guy...
 
2012-11-29 12:10:38 AM  
Wow, you do have a lot riding on your shoulders. Don't fark it up, kid!

/kidding, kidding
 
2012-11-29 12:38:02 AM  
What's the takeaway on this, Chinese sixth-graders have a rudimentary understanding of global warming and over here we're still struggling to convince our own population what it actually means?
 
2012-11-29 12:43:19 AM  
Hope the little farker dies of stress before he comes over here on an H1B visa and takes an American's job!

/yes, i know it's fake
 
2012-11-29 01:21:08 AM  
RatMaster999

Was thinking the same thing!!


/There, there my little neegah......
 
2012-11-29 01:41:54 AM  
Link

Relevant.
 
2012-11-29 01:49:40 AM  
No way it's real.

Nice penmanship, though. What a crazy linguistic path those people took.

Wolf892:
I taught English in China for eight years...this paper has the stink of memorized English corner article, the fact that you've heard something similar too makes me extra suspicious...

Any decent jobs teaching English to adults there in Japan?


t2.gstatic.com
 
2012-11-29 02:08:26 AM  

that bosnian sniper: What's the takeaway on this, Chinese sixth-graders have a rudimentary understanding of global warming and over here we're still struggling to convince our own population what it actually means?


He thinks that his not getting a job will increase global warming. I think most Americans have approximately the same level of knowledge.
 
2012-11-29 03:12:29 AM  

Wolf892: Any decent jobs teaching English to adults there in Japan?


media.comicvine.com


How's your liver? Can you live in a Shoebox? 

/your question hits close to home
 
2012-11-29 03:16:54 AM  

b2theory: It is something I might have written a couple years a go. Too bad that no one has told this kid that nothing he's learning will be useful to him.


Everyone says this. I use stuff I learned in school on the job all the time. Go figure.
 
2012-11-29 04:13:39 AM  
No problem..........duck and cover.....
 
2012-11-29 04:14:21 AM  
Sounds schizophrenic.
 
2012-11-29 04:25:18 AM  
With China's respect for intellectual property rights being what they are I strongly encourage this kid to simply copy his geek neighbor's work and submit it as his own.
 
2012-11-29 04:43:59 AM  

pciszek: b2theory: It is something I might have written a couple years a go. Too bad that no one has told this kid that nothing he's learning will be useful to him.

Everyone says this. I use stuff I learned in school on the job all the time. Go figure.


I was an English major. People would ask me what ever I would use it for, but the joke's on them because I speak English all day long.
 
2012-11-29 06:58:57 AM  

God-is-a-Taco: No way it's real.

Nice penmanship, though. What a crazy linguistic path those people took.

Wolf892:
I taught English in China for eight years...this paper has the stink of memorized English corner article, the fact that you've heard something similar too makes me extra suspicious...

Any decent jobs teaching English to adults there in Japan?

[t2.gstatic.com image 115x112]


Oooh, good one
 
2012-11-29 07:01:54 AM  
"I must begin working harder, because if I don't work hard and review well, then my grades will not go up, and I will be scolded by my parents, and if I get scolded by my parents then I will lose self-confidence, if I lose self-confidence then I will not finish my studies, if I do not finish my studies then I will not graduate [from university], if I can't graduate from university then I will not find a good job, if I don't find a good job then I won't be able to make money, if I don't make money then I can't pay taxes, if I don't pay taxes then it will be difficult for the country to pay salary to teachers, if teachers can't get paid then they will not be dedicated to teaching, if they are not dedicated to teaching, then this will impact our nation's future, if our nation's future is impacted, then it will be difficult for China to advance and develop..."

I'm sure this first part is drilled into every student. This kid, with his wit, just thought it through to its logical conclusion.
 
2012-11-29 07:17:39 AM  
He should have ended with "if I don't get a good job I won't make any money and if I don't make any money I'll never get laid because there are 10 dudes to every chick in China."
 
2012-11-29 07:46:21 AM  
I thought that in Communist countries the 47% was 100%, so nobody felt any obligation to pay taxes.
 
2012-11-29 08:26:26 AM  
More commas
 
2012-11-29 09:10:31 AM  

Wolf892: Any decent jobs teaching English to adults there in Japan?


If you want to teach English to adults, think about getting a CELTA. Once you do, you'll have a lot of doors open up to you, and it's not much of a time/money investment.
 
2012-11-29 09:36:12 AM  

HotWingAgenda: I totally believe an actual Chinese student wrote that, just like every other totally real hilarious term paper that has ever been published on internet message boards.


I don't know about the internet, but my Grandfather definitely got some hilarious term papers. He once read one aloud to us on the topic of Johann Sebastion Bach. Not a word was mentioned about his music. The entire paper was about his romances, his marriages, and his prolific number of children. The very last sentence was "He was also a great musician." It was clear which of Bachs' skills that cadet admired most and it wasn't composing music.
 
2012-11-29 09:38:52 AM  

RatMaster999: [englishwell.info image 480x360]

Don't need a school?

If neegah no go to school, neegah no get a job.
If neegah no get a job, neegah no make no money.
If neegah no make no money, neegah no be able to afford BMW 7 series, neegha!


Thank you, fine sir. I was going to post this if no one else had. I was instantly reminded of it when I started to read the boy's essay.
 
2012-11-29 09:46:04 AM  
Looks like he should stop playing Fallout games.
 
2012-11-29 09:57:30 AM  

Lunaville: HotWingAgenda: I totally believe an actual Chinese student wrote that, just like every other totally real hilarious term paper that has ever been published on internet message boards.

I don't know about the internet, but my Grandfather definitely got some hilarious term papers. He once read one aloud to us on the topic of Johann Sebastion Bach. Not a word was mentioned about his music. The entire paper was about his romances, his marriages, and his prolific number of children. The very last sentence was "He was also a great musician." It was clear which of Bachs' skills that cadet admired most and it wasn't composing music.


As long as the class wasn't musicology I hope your grandfather gave the kid a good mark. I've been reading about Charles II (inbreeding ahoy!) and wondering why the hell none of my teachers ever told me about the cool, gritty stuff in school (though one tried, and I remember nothing but the funny stuff now...).
 
2012-11-29 10:02:22 AM  

God-is-a-Taco: What a crazy linguistic path those people took.


I need to get back into it. If you follow the stroke pattern correctly it is a lot easier to write than it looks.
 
2012-11-29 10:04:07 AM  
content6.flixster.com

"Time passes very quickly. It's midterm season soon, I already began nervously preparing for the test, I must begin working harder, because if I don't work hard and review well, then my grades will not go up, and I will be scolded by my parents, and if I get scolded by my parents then I will lose self-confidence, if I lose self-confidence then I will not finish my studies, if I do not finish my studies then I will not graduate [from university], if I can't graduate from university then I will not find a good job, if I don't find a good job then I won't be able to make money, if I don't make money then I can't pay taxes, if I don't pay taxes then it will be difficult for the country to pay salary to teachers, if teachers can't get paid then they will not be dedicated to teaching, if they are not dedicated to teaching, then this will impact our nation's future, if our nation's future is impacted, then it will be difficult for China to advance and develop, and the Chinese people will degenerate into a barbaric race. If the Chinese people degenerate into a barbaric race, then the USA will begin to suspect that our nation has large-scale murderous weapons, if our nation has large-scale murderous weapons, then the USA will start a war with China and World War III will erupt, if WWIII erupts, both the strengths of both the USA and China will not be enough, if their strengths are not enough then they will use nuclear weapons, if they use nuclear weapons then they will destroy the environment, if the environment is destroyed then this will create a big hole in the atmosphere, if there is a big hole in the atmosphere then global warming will escalate and the glaciers at both poles will melt, if the glaciers melt then the global water level will rise, if the global water level rises then the entire human race will drown and die. Because it relates to the survival and security of the entire human race, therefore I must spend the remaining next few days on review in order to do well on the test, and thus prevent a tragedy from happening.  It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of sapho that thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stains, the stains become a warning. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion."
 
2012-11-29 10:34:40 AM  

Sudo_Make_Me_A_Sandwich: Wolf892: Any decent jobs teaching English to adults there in Japan?

If you want to teach English to adults, think about getting a CELTA. Once you do, you'll have a lot of doors open up to you, and it's not much of a time/money investment.


Yeah? I'll look into it. As it is, I'm prettymuch tired of being a student. I've discovered that I the Social Work program I'm in at University has turned me off ever wanting to study ever again. I just want to get back to doing what I do best, banging asian girls. :P
 
2012-11-29 11:10:15 AM  

H31N0US: God-is-a-Taco: What a crazy linguistic path those people took.

I need to get back into it. If you follow the stroke pattern correctly it is a lot easier to write than it looks.


That's actually the thing that tipped me off with this--the penmanship, proportionality, and neatness of the "student's" essay tell me that either
A) It is satire written by someone much older and with more experience in writing characters, or
B) It is satire written by a very precocious and gifted actual 6th grader.

Funny stuff either way.

/Characters are a dying art--Pinyin will win the day, no matter how much Beijing grinds their teeth about it.
 
2012-11-29 12:03:46 PM  

Wolf892: I just want to get back to doing what I do best, banging asian girls. :P


Careful there. Banging asian girls can lead to marrying an asian girl... and that way lies madness.
 
2012-11-29 12:37:58 PM  
Does China have weed? Because China seems like it needs weed.
 
2012-11-29 01:18:04 PM  

some_beer_drinker: i would say he just has a good sense of humor. that is a rare gift for a chinese kid.


Yeah, we all know Chinese people are humorless robots, right?
 
2012-11-29 01:49:01 PM  
Clearly a hoax. I saw absolutely no math on the original paper. That's all they're good at, right?
 
2012-11-29 02:39:54 PM  
wow lol... Someone needs to get this kid some weed and tell him to chill the fark out...
 
2012-11-29 03:30:00 PM  

Wolf892: Sudo_Make_Me_A_Sandwich: Wolf892: Any decent jobs teaching English to adults there in Japan?

.... I've discovered that I the Social Work program I'm in at University has turned me off ever wanting to study ever again. I just want to get back to doing what I do best, banging asian girls. :P



I also want to learn English to other peoples so good because of University I am in had me to quit study ever.
 
2012-11-29 03:40:20 PM  

fragglerawk: Wolf892: Sudo_Make_Me_A_Sandwich: Wolf892: Any decent jobs teaching English to adults there in Japan?

.... I've discovered that I the Social Work program I'm in at University has turned me off ever wanting to study ever again. I just want to get back to doing what I do best, banging asian girls. :P


I also want to learn English to other peoples so good because of University I am in had me to quit study ever.


Sorry,

Was really tired when I wrote that. I meant to say that being in a Social Work program in University has turned me off of ever being a student again. :P
 
2012-11-29 04:17:08 PM  
Did anyone else read this like Speed Racer?
 
2012-11-29 10:52:07 PM  

Duelist: Did anyone else read this like Speed Racer?


erm, yeah. I read pretty much TFA and the whole thread similarly to the way the Speed Racer animation was executed. It's been a painful experience and I'm concerned that I may have lost my mind because of it.
 
2012-11-30 02:55:02 AM  

Wolf892: Sudo_Make_Me_A_Sandwich: Wolf892: Any decent jobs teaching English to adults there in Japan?

If you want to teach English to adults, think about getting a CELTA. Once you do, you'll have a lot of doors open up to you, and it's not much of a time/money investment.

Yeah? I'll look into it. As it is, I'm prettymuch tired of being a student. I've discovered that I the Social Work program I'm in at University has turned me off ever wanting to study ever again. I just want to get back to doing what I do best, banging asian girls. :P


Pics or it didn't happen. Lots and lots of pics.

/of the Asian girls, not you
 
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