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(Huffington Post)   Worst literary sex scenes of 2012: Not safe for work or good taste (Warning: Slideshow)   (huffingtonpost.com) divider line 70
    More: Amusing, Literary Review, good taste, Tom Wolfe, literary history, Sex in film, J. K. Rowling, literary fiction  
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9037 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 28 Nov 2012 at 1:42 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-11-27 09:12:47 PM  
i stopped reading after the one that ends with the word 'horse'.
 
2012-11-27 09:24:55 PM  
"the pounding is punctuated by a rhythm of buttock-slaps and regular full-throated hunting cries"

I think horses are involved in this one too. Tally-ho!
 
2012-11-27 10:37:45 PM  
I spanked her bottom and cranked up the tunes

m0.mattters.com
 
2012-11-27 10:42:08 PM  
Attention all writers of "erotica": do not use the word "sex" to refer to the genitalia, of either gender. It's stupid.
 
2012-11-27 10:44:02 PM  
SERIOUSLY? A slideshow for this?

CTRL+F4
 
2012-11-27 10:48:25 PM  
"i put my erect dong into her moist vagoo, and it felt good. really good. like that time a few months back when i put my erect dong in that other girl's moist vagoo. but this time there would be butt stuff. lots of butt stuff. "
 
2012-11-27 10:52:20 PM  
He runs his tongue and lips over my breasts, the back of my neck, my toes, my stomach, the countless treasures between my legs

Either you can't count to one, or you really, really need to see a doctor.
 
2012-11-27 11:10:28 PM  

Donnchadha: I spanked her bottom and cranked up the tunes

m0.mattters.com



Is that Freedom Sex man?!?
 
2012-11-27 11:12:45 PM  
"He discovered it was already slick with excitement. He felt between her buttocks, where it was wetter still."

Wat
 
2012-11-28 12:20:51 AM  

thomps: "i put my erect dong into her moist vagoo, and it felt good. really good. like that time a few months back when i put my erect dong in that other girl's moist vagoo. but this time there would be butt stuff. lots of butt stuff. "


I thought 50 Shades of Grey came out last year.
 
2012-11-28 01:22:47 AM  
DNRTFA...

Was the phrase "throbbing, purple-helmeted warrior of love" mentioned anywhere?
 
2012-11-28 01:43:38 AM  
Came for 50 shades joke. Leaving satisfied.
 
2012-11-28 02:01:38 AM  
"He bore his Glade-can sized jizz tube into her moist hole, like a hermit crab into a conch. When he finished, he put his head against her soggy pubic mane, and he heard the ocean."
 
2012-11-28 02:05:43 AM  
"Oh yeah?" she gasped.

"Yeah, oh yeah oh yeah oh god yeah," I grunted.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" she cried out and made noises like the alley cats.

"Oh yeah, baby. Oh yeah."

www.x-entertainment.com
 
2012-11-28 02:06:27 AM  

WI241TH: "He discovered it was already slick with excitement. He felt between her buttocks, where it was wetter still."

Wat


POOP THREAD!
 
2012-11-28 02:37:17 AM  
I lost it after "roughly bisect the knitting scrotum"

/Expertly.
 
2012-11-28 02:41:55 AM  
That was one of the funniest goddamn things I've ever read. Fark needs more links/threads like this.
 
2012-11-28 02:59:07 AM  
This
He had never known arousal on this scale. But then, he hadn't known many women.

and this
I had to work through spells of severe hand cramp, what with the non-user-friendly positioning

describes a lot of Farkers' Friday nights. And Tuesdays.

/come for the weasel like loins
//stay for the horse penises
 
2012-11-28 03:01:37 AM  
"..and he threw the slideshow onto his hard drive and his delicate parsers slowly explored her willing slides one-by-one until all that was left of her was a naked, shivering heap of
DESLIDED pleasure and bliss."

/what?
 
2012-11-28 03:07:56 AM  
What's a lilo and why would someone blow one up?
 
2012-11-28 03:11:52 AM  
He seemed to be able to last forever, so long that sounds finally came from her lips involuntarily... "Ah... ah... ahhhhh""

news.msn.co.nz

Ah.
 
2012-11-28 03:16:00 AM  
"And then, one wet April afternoon, after a long delay of just over six weeks, his erection arrived. Arbitrarily.""

I can't not read that in Morgan Freeman's voice.
 
2012-11-28 03:31:06 AM  
Didn't RTFA but did anyone thrust a purple-headed warrior into a quivering mound of love-pudding?
 
2012-11-28 03:57:58 AM  

fusillade762: What's a lilo and why would someone blow one up?


It's an inflatable mattress, the functions of which I suspect you are more than familiar with.
 
2012-11-28 04:00:21 AM  
I hope Tom Wolfe continues to write novels; I want to see how many times he can end up on this list in a row before he dies.
 
2012-11-28 04:08:03 AM  

Jumpin Jbot: I hope Tom Wolfe continues to write novels; I want to see how many times he can end up on this list in a row before he dies.


He's 80-something, and shockingly, his rate of production has vastly increased in the last 10 years.

/he's a great writer
//he should just stay away from sex scenes
///and anything to do with sex
 
2012-11-28 04:12:21 AM  

Ronnie_Zman: FTFA
"...semen-bedizened blood-pusillanimous bed onanstic quiddity fulcrating pelvic thrusts..."

[anonimowalker.files.wordpress.com image 223x299]


my wife was like 'the fark are you reading, mad libs?' when i read that one out loud.
 
2012-11-28 04:21:35 AM  
FTA: "He switched to some ancient steppe language as he ejaculated, blubbering and incoherent. She faked an orgasm."


wife: 'well that one's pretty realistic...'
 
2012-11-28 04:30:10 AM  
'My fingers trembled downward, inch by inch, and curled around our resplendent c0ck"

Wait.... what?
 
2012-11-28 04:54:04 AM  
It might be fun to translate this text into Chinese, then back in to English just to see if it'd sorta normal out.
 
2012-11-28 05:13:33 AM  

Ronnie_Zman: FTFA "...semen-bedizened blood-pusillanimous bed onanstic quiddity fulcrating pelvic thrusts..."


Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me as plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.

neilbradley: It might be fun to translate this text into Chinese, then back in to English just to see if it'd sorta normal out.


Before Bad Translator: "I waited, patient with faith, feeling his prose slowly seep into my cock, swell it, saturate it until it was replete with Muse."

After Bad Translator: "Faith and wait for an emotional commitment to a patient's cock, slowly open the door to Moses saturation."
 
2012-11-28 05:36:59 AM  

Fluorescent Testicle: Before Bad Translator: "I waited, patient with faith, feeling his prose slowly seep into my cock, swell it, saturate it until it was replete with Muse."

After Bad Translator: "Faith and wait for an emotional commitment to a patient's cock, slowly open the door to Moses saturation."


That looks fun! Let me try:

Before: "oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, Will, oh, yes, oh, semen-bedizened blood-pusillanimous bed onanstic quiddity fulcrating pelvic thrusts"

After: "Oh, Oh, yeah, yeah, Oh, Oh, Oh yeah, Ah, cum puddle of blood Onanstic Pusil integrated bedizened Quidditas. Lànime Fulcrating bed"
 
2012-11-28 05:46:31 AM  
Original text:

"He runs his tongue and lips over my breasts, the back of my neck, my toes, my stomach, the countless treasures between my legs"

...8 translations later, Bing gives us:

"Before and after him in my chest and neck, fingers, my stomach his tongue, numerous I work between his legs and lips of the child"

Wow.
 
2012-11-28 05:57:02 AM  

steerforth: fusillade762: What's a lilo and why would someone blow one up?

It's an inflatable mattress, the functions of which I suspect you are more than familiar with.


How dare you, sir! I am not intimate with any variety of inflatable plastic.

Though if you have tips I'm willing to listen.
 
2012-11-28 06:22:00 AM  

fusillade762: steerforth: fusillade762: What's a lilo and why would someone blow one up?

It's an inflatable mattress, the functions of which I suspect you are more than familiar with.

How dare you, sir! I am not intimate with any variety of inflatable plastic.

Though if you have tips I'm willing to listen.


You know how when you go to deflate a great big puffed up tumescent air mattress, you pull the little plug out and it goes whoosh but there's a little bit left in so you get someone to roll around on it to make all the last bits come out?

I hear it's something like that, but what would I know. I'm a female who ends her sentences with prepositions.
 
2012-11-28 06:28:18 AM  
Heh - "elfin grot"
 
2012-11-28 06:44:01 AM  
Ugh. I think I found 1 problem: 1/3 of these reference horse-sex...which obviously means horses are reading and writing.

/Sarah Jessica Parker
 
2012-11-28 07:09:08 AM  

HotWingAgenda: He seemed to be able to last forever, so long that sounds finally came from her lips involuntarily... "Ah... ah... ahhhhh""


4.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-11-28 07:14:18 AM  

Fluorescent Testicle: Ronnie_Zman: FTFA "...semen-bedizened blood-pusillanimous bed onanstic quiddity fulcrating pelvic thrusts..."

Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me as plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.

neilbradley: It might be fun to translate this text into Chinese, then back in to English just to see if it'd sorta normal out.

Before Bad Translator: "I waited, patient with faith, feeling his prose slowly seep into my cock, swell it, saturate it until it was replete with Muse."

After Bad Translator: "Faith and wait for an emotional commitment to a patient's cock, slowly open the door to Moses saturation."


I'm suddenly reminded of this hilarious SNL skit from '95 with Elle MacPherson:

[ Music Intro: "Down Under", Men At Work ]
[ open on Australian Woman sitting along the beach ]

Australian Woman:
Hi, mates. Do you like beautiful, sexy Australian girls who love having wild sex? Then pick up the phone and call 1-600-555-AUSSIE, for the most erotic one-to-one adult yabber with hot, sexy Australian beauties.

Operator #1:
Oh, baby, baby.. I want you to faucet your banana fender, and let me razoo you like a brumby! Then I'll unzip your strides and let you laff all over me cuckoo burrows!

Male Caller #1: [ confused ] What?!

Australian Woman: It's the steamiest phone sex line this side of Adelaie. Good-looking sheilas with perfect bodies want to talk naughty to you right now!

Operator #2: Hey, I got a really wet yabbie! So go ahead and chockablock me in the gunny until I waltz in you boots!

Male Caller #2: [ confused ]
Uh.. I don't get what you're saying.. can we just have phone sex..?

Operator #2: Eww! Take out your boomer and do me Yahoo Serious-style, you tanky bushman!

Male Caller #2: Can you repeat that?

Australian Woman: So don't be a jumsheep. Because no matter what turns you on, there's nothing these hot, horny lookers can't handle. How about a kinky three-way Aussie-style?

Male Caller #3:
Oh, yeah!

Operator #2: Oy!

Operator #1: Durite!

Operator #2: Oy!

Operator #1: Durite!

Male Caller #3: What?

Operators: Good on you!

Male Caller #3:
You're.. you're scaring me..

Australian Woman: So, what do you say, jackeroos? Dial now, and one of our hot Australian fluffs will order your brains out and satisfy your vegemite sandwich! And if you'e interested in Aussie men, dial 1-600-555-BLOKE.

Operator #3:
Oh, I'm an airy gent, sitting in my decksoff white on me legs? What you doin', ocker?

Male Caller #4: I don't know what you just said, but I love it!

Australian Woman:
And if you're into a hankering for Tasmanian girls, dial 1-600-555-ABORIGINE.

Aborigine Girl: Menocha! Dingo! Fallupi fandanga sucka! *click* *click* *click*

Australian Woman: So don't come aguster. If you like sexy Australian girls, then 1-600-555-AUSSIE's for you. Remember, the only thing better than you going down on your billibong, is you going down under with us.

Announcer: Only $22 a minute, nonresidents add Australian BTU tax. Non-applicable to residents of Brisbon, Kanurra and Central Perk. Wallabies must 18 or over.

Male Caller #4 & Australian Woman: So call, and we'll wop-wop your orifice now!
 
2012-11-28 07:17:51 AM  
That was awesome
 
2012-11-28 07:28:47 AM  

steerforth: You know how when you go to deflate a great big puffed up tumescent air mattress, you pull the little plug out and it goes whoosh but there's a little bit left in so you get someone to roll around on it to make all the last bits come out?


Yes, yes...go on...
 
2012-11-28 07:41:52 AM  
"She knelt & worshipped my cock with her mouth & her gloved hands & she cried out louder than I did when I came""

You got your cum on my party dress and in my hair dammit
 
2012-11-28 07:51:00 AM  
It was an odd exchange, just a sort of rubbing & prodding each other in jagged unison.

i actually like this one. the problem with most sex scenes is that they are too serious and overdramatic. sometimes its nice to read a scene where the sex is funny and awkward, and probably more realistic. i'm sure the author of this one intended it to sound funny.

"Her breasts are placards for the endomorphically endowed."

i like this one too, again it is probably meant to be funny.
 
2012-11-28 07:58:13 AM  

John_David_Stutts: steerforth: You know how when you go to deflate a great big puffed up tumescent air mattress, you pull the little plug out and it goes whoosh but there's a little bit left in so you get someone to roll around on it to make all the last bits come out?

Yes, yes...go on...


That's when you spank someone's bottom and crank up the tunes.
 
2012-11-28 08:06:48 AM  
"She led me to her elfin grot"

Okay, which one of you wrote that little gem?

"rubbing and rocking and jiggling, a coont-throb of paper against a savage cock-thrust, gasping, sweating, a numinous force"

Wot, no scissors?

"Then he began to masturbate her. Expertly."

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! It's "Napoleon Dynamite: the Book"!
 
2012-11-28 08:09:08 AM  
And half of them are from 50 Shades?

/dnrtfa
//dnrtft
 
2012-11-28 08:11:55 AM  

Con Fabulous: HotWingAgenda: He seemed to be able to last forever, so long that sounds finally came from her lips involuntarily... "Ah... ah... ahhhhh""

[4.bp.blogspot.com image 460x276]


One! One orgasm! Ah ah ahhhh
 
2012-11-28 08:13:56 AM  
"aromas rising from those tight crevies and hidden gullies, like smells from the forest of experience"

Okay, I threw up a little bit on that one.
 
2012-11-28 08:17:44 AM  
That was literarily the worst list ever
 
2012-11-28 09:06:03 AM  
I spanked her bottom and cranked up the tunes

This one is from a really crappy novel by Ethan Hawke (yes, THAT Ethan Hawke). I read it several years ago and that one line popped out as especially bad.
 
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