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(Huffington Post)   Worst literary sex scenes of 2012: Not safe for work or good taste (Warning: Slideshow)   (huffingtonpost.com) divider line 70
    More: Amusing, Literary Review, good taste, Tom Wolfe, literary history, Sex in film, J. K. Rowling, literary fiction  
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9037 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 28 Nov 2012 at 1:42 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-11-28 09:19:08 AM

AxL sANe: Heh - "elfin grot"


The worst part? That's a reference to Keat's "La Belle Dame Sans Merci":


VII.

She found me roots of relish sweet, 25
And honey wild, and manna dew,
And sure in language strange she said-
"I love thee true."

VIII.

She took me to her elfin grot,
And there she wept, and sigh'd fill sore, 30
And there I shut her wild wild eyes
With kisses four.


It's a poetic word for grotto.
 
2012-11-28 09:31:37 AM
As someone who is married to an erotic romance writer, I'm getting a kick out of these replies.

/Because, you know, I'm the one with the sex parts that are being described.
//that's the joke
 
2012-11-28 09:42:39 AM
www.nobodygoeshere.com
 
2012-11-28 09:50:15 AM

JosephFinn: AxL sANe: Heh - "elfin grot"

The worst part? That's a reference to Keat's "La Belle Dame Sans Merci":


VII.

She found me roots of relish sweet, 25
And honey wild, and manna dew,
And sure in language strange she said-
"I love thee true."

VIII.

She took me to her elfin grot,
And there she wept, and sigh'd fill sore, 30
And there I shut her wild wild eyes
With kisses four.

It's a poetic word for grotto.


That's truly horrifying, but it's not surprising considering the author's great inspiration is a certain Martin Amis. He mentions Kingsley too - natch - but besides the rape of Keats he also seems to have been inspired by Matthew Arnold and Margaret Attwood. Wut. Link

Here is the full scene, in all of its horror:

"We got up from the chair and she led me to her elfin grot, getting amongst the pillows and cool sheets. We trawled each other's bodies for every inch of history. I dug after what I had always imagined and came up with even more. She stroked my outlines in perfect synchrony until I was febrile in her hands, willingly guided elsewhere."

I think this bloke was quoted twice in the list but he still has a lot of work to do before he reaches the heights of true masters, like those great contemporaries and brothers-in-arms Bret Easton Ellis and Wilbur Smith.
 
mhd
2012-11-28 10:03:09 AM
"She stroked my outlines in perfect synchrony until I was febrile in her hands"

Ah, my outlines, yes, bring me to level seven!
i.imgur.com

/Jack Vance is writing erotica now?
//"Cugel the Concupiscent"
 
2012-11-28 10:11:49 AM

mhd: "She stroked my outlines in perfect synchrony until I was febrile in her hands"

Ah, my outlines, yes, bring me to level seven!
[i.imgur.com image 468x282]

/Jack Vance is writing erotica now?
//"Cugel the Concupiscent"


Some people only have ...six.

/obscure?
 
2012-11-28 11:23:05 AM

Ebenator: I spanked her bottom and cranked up the tunes

This one is from a really crappy novel by Ethan Hawke (yes, THAT Ethan Hawke). I read it several years ago and that one line popped out as especially bad.


I find myself unsurprised. He's a terrible author (and he's got a much higher opinion of his acting than he should). I had a girlfriend in highschool who had to get The Hottest State when it came out. "You should read this", she said. It was awful. What makes it worse is that he turned it into a film a decade later, directing and starring in it. I think fewer people saw it than read the novel.

I'm going to stop using the term "vanity project" and just call them "Ethan Hawke projects".
 
2012-11-28 12:10:53 PM
Literary and Twitter rarely occupy the same space
 
2012-11-28 12:33:33 PM
Perfect excuse to post this.
 
2012-11-28 01:31:29 PM

Despair of the Cheese: and this
I had to work through spells of severe hand cramp, what with the non-user-friendly positioning


You've never dealt with this? Where your hand is in her panties but she doesn't want to bother taking her pants off yet, so you're flicking her bean while arching your hand against her panties to make wiggle room? The wrist and palm strain from fighting the elastic band will wear you out after a while.

Also, the best sex line of all time has to be "I'm gonna fill your hoo-hah with goof juice."

/frat aliens
 
2012-11-28 01:37:37 PM

JosephFinn: It's a poetic word for grotto.


It's also a small goblin in the Warhammer Universe.

/why yes, i DO have a miniatures-painting studio in my basement
//it's MY basement, not my mom's
 
2012-11-28 01:47:00 PM
I read about a typo in a romance novel that would up reading something like: She felt his muscles tense as he shiatted on the ground.

I think it was supoosed to be 'shifted'.
 
2012-11-28 01:49:03 PM
*wound
**supposed

Of course as I reference a typo I make two.
 
2012-11-28 02:41:31 PM
I stopped after "luxuriant mop."
 
2012-11-28 03:30:44 PM

Cybernetic: I stopped after "luxuriant mop."


Kids these days. Just pick the luxuriant mop out of your teeth and keep going.
 
2012-11-28 03:43:08 PM
That was actually painful to read. It almost makes me wonder if any of the writers have had sex before or are they just imagining what it is like.
 
2012-11-28 04:55:00 PM

HotWingAgenda: "And then, one wet April afternoon, after a long delay of just over six weeks, his erection arrived. Arbitrarily.""

I can't not read that in Morgan Freeman's voice.


...damn you.
 
2012-11-28 06:43:46 PM

Zarquon's Flat Tire: *wound
**supposed

Of course as I reference a typo I make two.


to be honest, 'supoosed' was a very fitting typo.
 
2012-11-28 10:53:24 PM
Where's "her mossy cleft"?

25.media.tumblr.com

//hotlinked.
///Because it's HOT.
 
2012-11-29 06:33:38 AM

Dead for Tax Reasons: That was literaturely literarily the worst lit list ever


FTFY
 
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