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(Huffington Post)   Five things most people don't know about the Bible. Like the time Jesus and Buddha piloted a giant robot to fight off an invasion of Cat Girls from Mars   (huffingtonpost.com) divider line 175
    More: Interesting, Bibles, Jesus Is, common misconceptions, Hebrew Bible, book collector, parables, retributive justice, Deuteronomy  
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18624 clicks; posted to Main » on 26 Nov 2012 at 9:40 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-11-26 09:27:25 PM
This article is God's way of testing Her faithful
 
2012-11-26 09:41:02 PM
To read
 
2012-11-26 09:41:05 PM
biatches don't know about bible's dick.
 
2012-11-26 09:42:48 PM
Yuh huh, I totally know that part, heriticmitter.
 
2012-11-26 09:43:14 PM
subby: Pics or it didn't happen. I demand proof!
 
2012-11-26 09:43:38 PM
whar book of Eve? WHAR?
 
2012-11-26 09:44:20 PM
TFA fails for not mentioning that part in Phillipians where it says you have to kill doctors who do abortions. there's also no mention of the part where it says you have to homeschool your kids so that they know that evolution is a lie that the devil made to push people away from christ.

fail.
 
2012-11-26 09:44:22 PM
Correction #6: The Hebrew Bible is not non-fiction.
 
2012-11-26 09:44:23 PM
I knew all of those. I also know that the evangelical American's who can be so troublesome don't put much stock in the old testament, except the parts they agree with, many of which they think are in the new testament.
 
2012-11-26 09:47:13 PM
Like, Everything?
 
2012-11-26 09:47:25 PM
One would almost think they're referring to it as the "Hebrew Bible" to confuse Christians.

I can almost picture Bubba the Christian saying "That ain't my Bible, I ain't no Heeee-Breeeeww"
 
2012-11-26 09:47:57 PM
To singularity
 
2012-11-26 09:48:56 PM

Indubitably: To singularity


*)
 
2012-11-26 09:48:57 PM
Most people are apparently pretty stupid.

/already knew that
 
2012-11-26 09:49:11 PM
#0 The Hebrew Bible is not the final arbiter of what is in the Bible.

The King James version of the Bible translates and corrects many of the supposed "problems" with the original texts. It is the only true divinely inspired Word of God acceptable to today's Christians. Even versions similar to the King James version, such as the New King James version, are corruptions and are the work of Satan.
 
2012-11-26 09:49:19 PM
An interesting list

Mentioned but did not go into detail on why which books are in the bible and which books are not in the bible (gnostic springs to mind)

These are some good reading:
Gospel of Mary (recovered in 1896)
Gospel of Thomas (versions found in Oxyrhynchus, Egypt in 1898, and again in the Nag Hammadi Library)
Gospel of Truth (Nag Hammadi Library)
Gospel of Philip (Nag Hammadi Library)
Gospel of Judas (recovered via the antiquities black market in 1983, and then reconstructed in 2006)
 
2012-11-26 09:50:35 PM
#6 - Most of the Bible is complete bullshiat and should not be taken seriously.
 
2012-11-26 09:50:59 PM
Boooorrrinnnnggggg
 
2012-11-26 09:51:04 PM
Hopefully talks about the prophet Elisha summoning shebears to eat children that called him "baldy:n or anything about tubby commie Jesus.

Really, any of the good stuff from Ken's Guide to the Bible.

Poor Uzzah, he only meant to keep the Ark from touching the ground, how was he to know it was a magical murderbox?
 
2012-11-26 09:51:06 PM

JohnCarter: An interesting list

Mentioned but did not go into detail on why which books are in the bible and which books are not in the bible (gnostic springs to mind)

These are some good reading:
Gospel of Mary (recovered in 1896)
Gospel of Thomas (versions found in Oxyrhynchus, Egypt in 1898, and again in the Nag Hammadi Library)
Gospel of Truth (Nag Hammadi Library)
Gospel of Philip (Nag Hammadi Library)
Gospel of Judas (recovered via the antiquities black market in 1983, and then reconstructed in 2006)


those would be candidates for the new testament, not the hebrew bible.
 
2012-11-26 09:51:15 PM
The only book of the Bible worth reading -- and even that is stretching it -- is Ecclesiastes.
 
2012-11-26 09:52:15 PM

Fano: Hopefully talks about the prophet Elisha summoning shebears to eat children that called him "baldy:n or anything about tubby commie Jesus.

Really, any of the good stuff from Ken's Guide to the Bible.

Poor Uzzah, he only meant to keep the Ark from touching the ground, how was he to know it was a magical murderbox?

To Sumerian

 
2012-11-26 09:52:27 PM
I'd actually enjoy a bible that resembles the headline.
 
2012-11-26 09:52:29 PM

JohnCarter: These are some good reading:


Although each of these bring their own historical issues regarding veracity. However, considering the earliest written gospels date roughly 50 years after the events described likely occurred- well, that's 50 years of oral tradition. The contradictions between the gospels are enough to show how quickly stories drift.
 
2012-11-26 09:53:30 PM
Good evening. Here is the news on Friday, the 27th of Geldof. Archaeologists near Mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a missing page from the Bible. The page is currently being carbon dated in Bonn. If genuine it belongs at the beginning of the Bible and is believed to read "To my darling Candy. All characters portrayed within this book are fictitous and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental." The page has been universally condemned by church leaders.
 
2012-11-26 09:53:32 PM

James F. Campbell: The only book of the Bible worth reading -- and even that is stretching it -- is Ecclesiastes.


You can spank it to The Song of Solomon. Ergo, you are wrong.
 
2012-11-26 09:54:46 PM
That was a terrific article. I really liked this part from it:

"Just as an attempt to impose harmony and consistency on the short stories collected in the Norton Anthology of English Literature would do great violence to those stories, any attempt to impose harmony and consistency on the diverse books collected in the Bible -- to extract a single message or truth -- does great violence to those books."

Good find subby. Thank you.
 
2012-11-26 09:55:03 PM

t3knomanser: You can spank it to The Song of Solomon. Ergo, you are wrong.


You're a sick, sick man.

wildcardjack: I'd actually enjoy a bible that resembles the headline.


Oh, you must be talking about the New-Century Gospel.

/Obscure?
 
2012-11-26 09:55:54 PM

Professor M: Friday, the 27th of Geldof


Nice Red Dwarf throwback...

/I miss Red Dwarf
//Lister's paranoia was funny as hell
 
2012-11-26 09:56:24 PM
I am reminded of "Saint Young Men". Amusing manga concept, that.
 
2012-11-26 09:57:30 PM

95629: Boooorrrinnnnggggg


That's a goddamned useless post. Almost as goddamned useless as thi......
 
2012-11-26 09:57:42 PM

AverageAmericanGuy: #0 The Hebrew Bible is not the final arbiter of what is in the Bible.

The King James version of the Bible translates and corrects many of the supposed "problems" with the original texts. It is the only true divinely inspired Word of God acceptable to today's Christians. Even versions similar to the King James version, such as the New King James version, are corruptions and are the work of Satan.


I've always wondered why so many Americans put their trust in a British King for their religious text.
 
2012-11-26 09:57:44 PM

Acharne: That was a terrific article. I really liked this part from it:

"Just as an attempt to impose harmony and consistency on the short stories collected in the Norton Anthology of English Literature would do great violence to those stories, any attempt to impose harmony and consistency on the diverse books collected in the Bible -- to extract a single message or truth -- does great violence to those books."

Good find subby. Thank you.


Agreed.

I liked #3:

The Hebrew Bible is not a timeless or eternal work that stands outside the normal processes of literary production. Its books emerged from specific times and places. Reading the Bible alongside parallel materials from the many cultures of the Ancient Near East shows the deep indebtedness of the biblical authors to the literary heritage of the Ancient Near East. The ancient Israelites borrowed and adapted literary motifs and conventions from their larger cultural context and an awareness of those motifs and conventions produces richer, more coherent readings of the biblical text than are otherwise possible.
 
2012-11-26 09:58:13 PM
Cat Girls from Mars? Are they associated with The Leather Goddesses of Phobos?
 
2012-11-26 09:59:05 PM
"...and then the sky rose like a light shone through petals of some flower briefly, until the sun shone, illuminating a lone man, pariah, walking..."

"He raised his fist into the light, 'I am.'"
 
2012-11-26 09:59:16 PM

schnee: Cat Girls from Mars? Are they associated with The Leather Goddesses of Phobos?


Need pics
 
2012-11-26 09:59:21 PM

12349876: I've always wondered why so many Americans put their trust in a British King for their religious text.


Because Jesus spoke with a British accent.
 
2012-11-26 10:00:06 PM

6) Catholic religion is based on a mistranslation. The Septuagint scholars mistranslated the Hebrew word for "young woman" into the Greek word for "virgin". It was an easy mistake to make because there was only a subtle difference in the spelling.

So, they came up with a prophecy: "Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear us a son." You understand? It was "virgin" that caught people's attention. It's not everyday a virgin conceives and bears a son.


But leave that for a couple of hundred years to stew and next thing you know you have the Holy Catholic Church.

 
2012-11-26 10:00:34 PM
Why would you fight them off!?
 
2012-11-26 10:01:24 PM

Indubitably: To read


Stop that now. I'm serious. Don't make me stop this car.
 
2012-11-26 10:02:45 PM
Mary was raped by God and people are ok with this?

And answer me this:

If God is all knowing and that man has no free will and all that shiat, then how come he asked Abraham to sacrifice his son as a test of faith?
Did he not know the answer already? And if not, then it shows that God gave man free will, which means he made people atheists and believers of other religions.
So, basically, Christians, what the fark are you on about. Blame God , you coont, for making people non-believers. Or something something, I'm tired.
 
2012-11-26 10:04:27 PM
The character "Yahweh" in the Hebrew Bible should not be confused with the god of western theological speculation (generally referred to as "God"). The attributes assigned to "God" by post-biblical theologians -- such as omniscience and immutability -- are simply not attributes possessed by the character Yahweh as drawn in biblical narratives. Indeed, on several occasions Yahweh is explicitly described as changing his mind, because when it comes to human beings his learning curve is steep. Humans have free will; they act in ways that surprise him and he must change tack and respond. One of the greatest challenges for modern readers of the Hebrew Bible is to allow the text to mean what it says, when what is says flies in the face of doctrines that emerged centuries later from philosophical debates about the abstract category "God."

Some people are even saying Yahweh Elohim is really Satan, and that Christians (and Jews) who worship him as "God" are deceived.

Read the Old Testament. Really, read it with your eyes opened. Then come back and tell me that son of a b*tch isn't a full on, raging clinical psychopath. 

Remember: according to Yahweh Elohim, our first sin was learning the difference between good and evil.

Why do you suppose he didn't want us to know?
 
2012-11-26 10:04:39 PM

revrendjim: Indubitably: To read

Stop that now. I'm serious. Don't make me stop this car.


I am not your child, so please stop the car. If you raise your hand against me, I will teach you shortly why this was an unwise move on your party. I will liberate myself from your embrace, and teach you disgrace, if you need to learn that...?
 
2012-11-26 10:05:05 PM
s3.mangareader.net
orangelic.files.wordpress.com
24.media.tumblr.com
24.media.tumblr.com 
25.media.tumblr.com
 
2012-11-26 10:06:11 PM

12349876: AverageAmericanGuy: #0 The Hebrew Bible is not the final arbiter of what is in the Bible.

The King James version of the Bible translates and corrects many of the supposed "problems" with the original texts. It is the only true divinely inspired Word of God acceptable to today's Christians. Even versions similar to the King James version, such as the New King James version, are corruptions and are the work of Satan.

I've always wondered why so many Americans put their trust in a British King for their religious text.


So I told that teaching lady the only three letters I need to know are K, J and V.
 
2012-11-26 10:06:28 PM
I'm a non-believing heretic, but I love the King James Bible. If you like a good story and a good turn of phrase, the King James Bible is your book.

In a preface to one of his books - one I've since lost or permanently lent out, and I can't remember which, Hunter S. Thompson explained why so many of his stories begin with quotes from the King James. He explained that 1) he often wrote while staying at a hotel, didn't have any of his own books, but his hotel kindly provided some reading; and 2) it's such wonderful writing. Any of you Farkers know which HST work I'm referring to? Seems to me it was something from the late 80s or early 90s.
 
2012-11-26 10:06:45 PM
This is from a Jewish perspective. All five points refute key points in Christian theology. The Christian who doesn't read much may not have noticed these difficult texts, but we have many Theology schools. We have noticed and dealt with the confusing texts each in our own way. Honestly, I invite anyone to read the Bible looking for some of the things he points out. It is not hard to figure out how some superficial contradictions are not contradictions at all. For instance, Genesis 1 vs Genesis 2. New Testament says that all people were known by God before the foundations of the Earth - though obviously we all appear on earth at different times. So it should not be difficult to see why the creation of man comes both before and after that of animals. For some of us, what I just said is deep. For others, it's gobbledygook. That's why Paul talks so much about being elect.
 
2012-11-26 10:07:04 PM

AverageAmericanGuy: #0 The Hebrew Bible is not the final arbiter of what is in the Bible.

The King James version of the Bible translates and corrects many of the supposed "problems" with the original texts. It is the only true divinely inspired Word of God acceptable to today's Christians. Even versions similar to the King James version, such as the New King James version, are corruptions and are the work of Satan.


HA!
 
2012-11-26 10:08:31 PM

James F. Campbell: The only book of the Bible worth reading -- and even that is stretching it -- is Ecclesiastes.


There is nothing new under the sun.
 
2012-11-26 10:09:54 PM
i.imgur.com

i.imgur.com
 
2012-11-26 10:10:33 PM
The character "Yahweh" in the Hebrew Bible should not be confused with the god of western theological speculation (generally referred to as "God").

In fact, he was a powerful space alien who enjoyed treated a whole group of people as his own private ant farm.
 
2012-11-26 10:10:35 PM

AverageAmericanGuy: The King James version of the Bible translates and corrects many of the supposed "problems" with the original texts. It is the only true divinely inspired Word of God acceptable to today's Christians. Even versions similar to the King James version, such as the New King James version, are corruptions and are the work of Satan.


The scary thing is that there are people who actually believe that
 
2012-11-26 10:10:51 PM
He Brew and the Gospel of the Universe.

I am Adam, prince of Earth and defender of the secrets of The Tree of Life.
This is Eve, my fearless friend.

Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic rib and said, "By the power of YAHWEH!

I have the power!"
 
2012-11-26 10:11:16 PM
3 wrong.. drat.. one because of an incomplete read of a question.. I'm looking at you Job

Other 2 I don't know who those people are.
 
2012-11-26 10:11:46 PM

AverageAmericanGuy: #0 The Hebrew Bible is not the final arbiter of what is in the Bible.

The King James version of the Bible translates and corrects many of the supposed "problems" with the original texts. It is the only true divinely inspired Word of God acceptable to today's Christians. Even versions similar to the King James version, such as the New King James version, are corruptions and are the work of Satan.


So as long as it is in English and is the King James version it is divinely inspired but all other version in any other language are the works of Satan? Is this really what you are saying?
 
2012-11-26 10:12:18 PM

James F. Campbell: You're a sick, sick man.


Hey, I'm not the one who wrote it!

GentDirkly: For instance, Genesis 1 vs Genesis 2.


No, I can't spank it to those. BOOOOOOORING. Let's go back to the Song of Solomon. Or let's skip ahead to Genesis 19. That's where it starts getting kinky.
 
2012-11-26 10:12:49 PM
I knew all that already.

But then, I read a lot.
 
2012-11-26 10:13:08 PM

GungFu: Mary was raped by God and people are ok with this?


Yahweh drowned nearly everyone on the planet, pregnant women and babies included, and people are ok with this?

Yahweh deprived Pharoah of the free will to free the Jewish people even though he wanted to, and then punished the Egyptian people with a series of horrific plagues for it, and people are ok with this?

Yahweh slaughtered all the first born children of Egypt--little babies included--and people are ok with this?

The Israelites prayed because too many of them were dying, so Yahweh punished them by sending a plague that killed 14,000 more of them, and people are ok with this?

Yahweh allows the Israelites to slaughter all of the Midianites, except for the virgins, who they are allowed to rape as spoils of war, and people are ok with this?

Yahweh tacitly approves of slavery, and people are ok with this?

Elisha used Yahweh's power to cause bears to rip 42 children to shreds for calling him "baldy," and people are ok with this?

Yahweh demands human sacrifice, and people are ok with this?

No wonder that son of a b*tch didn't want us knowing good from evil.
 
2012-11-26 10:13:34 PM
The best part is about the stretchiest man in the Bible.

He tied his ass to a tree, and walked to Jerusalem.
 
2012-11-26 10:14:25 PM
Number 6...
www.beatitsquid.info 

/True story.
 
2012-11-26 10:20:37 PM

AverageAmericanGuy: #0 The Hebrew Bible is not the final arbiter of what is in the Bible.

The King James version of the Bible translates and corrects many of the supposed "problems" with the original texts. It is the only true divinely inspired Word of God acceptable to today's Christians. Even versions similar to the King James version, such as the New King James version, are corruptions and are the work of Satan.


Ah, you must work for Jack Chick Ministries. You forgot "Even the Hebrew texts translated to create the King James version are the work of Satan."
 
2012-11-26 10:20:47 PM

diaphoresis: Professor M: Friday, the 27th of Geldof

Nice Red Dwarf throwback...

/I miss Red Dwarf
//Lister's paranoia was funny as hell


They just did the first new season in ages...actually it's a lot better than the previous few seasons. You should check Pirate Bay
 
2012-11-26 10:25:45 PM

bugontherug: GungFu: Mary was raped by God and people are ok with this?

Yahweh drowned nearly everyone on the planet, pregnant women and babies included, and people are ok with this?

Yahweh deprived Pharoah of the free will to free the Jewish people even though he wanted to, and then punished the Egyptian people with a series of horrific plagues for it, and people are ok with this?

Yahweh slaughtered all the first born children of Egypt--little babies included--and people are ok with this?

The Israelites prayed because too many of them were dying, so Yahweh punished them by sending a plague that killed 14,000 more of them, and people are ok with this?

Yahweh allows the Israelites to slaughter all of the Midianites, except for the virgins, who they are allowed to rape as spoils of war, and people are ok with this?

Yahweh tacitly approves of slavery, and people are ok with this?

Elisha used Yahweh's power to cause bears to rip 42 children to shreds for calling him "baldy," and people are ok with this?

Yahweh demands human sacrifice, and people are ok with this?

No wonder that son of a b*tch didn't want us knowing good from evil.


Not to mention all knowing smarty pants God created Satan, be he had NO idea dude was going to go full retard on all his peeps.
 
2012-11-26 10:25:50 PM
List should be "Five things you didn't know about the Bible if you somehow managed to never take a class in western religion."
 
2012-11-26 10:26:50 PM
LOL! God made man, then watched the result and said WTF?
 
2012-11-26 10:28:58 PM
You have not experienced the Gospel of Luke until you have read it in the original Klingon.
 
2012-11-26 10:31:43 PM

AverageAmericanGuy: #0 The Hebrew Bible is not the final arbiter of what is in the Bible.

The King James version of the Bible translates and corrects many of the supposed "problems" with the original texts. It is the only true divinely inspired Word of God acceptable to today's Christians. Even versions similar to the King James version, such as the New King James version, are corruptions and are the work of Satan.


Mighty fine work for a guy with a serious case of teh ghey, like King Jimmy had, isn't it?

/James was a Biblical scholar and did quite a few of the translations himself.
 
2012-11-26 10:32:53 PM

bugontherug: The character "Yahweh" in the Hebrew Bible should not be confused with the god of western theological speculation (generally referred to as "God"). The attributes assigned to "God" by post-biblical theologians -- such as omniscience and immutability -- are simply not attributes possessed by the character Yahweh as drawn in biblical narratives. Indeed, on several occasions Yahweh is explicitly described as changing his mind, because when it comes to human beings his learning curve is steep. Humans have free will; they act in ways that surprise him and he must change tack and respond. One of the greatest challenges for modern readers of the Hebrew Bible is to allow the text to mean what it says, when what is says flies in the face of doctrines that emerged centuries later from philosophical debates about the abstract category "God."

Some people are even saying Yahweh Elohim is really Satan, and that Christians (and Jews) who worship him as "God" are deceived.

Read the Old Testament. Really, read it with your eyes opened. Then come back and tell me that son of a b*tch isn't a full on, raging clinical psychopath. 

Remember: according to Yahweh Elohim, our first sin was learning the difference between good and evil.

Why do you suppose he didn't want us to know?


Well he also kicked us out of Eden so we couldn't get at the Tree of Life. Knowledge + Immortality = a god in in the writers' eyes.
 
2012-11-26 10:34:39 PM
Judah sleeps with his daughter-in-law when she is disguised as a prostitute!


I wanna set the record straight.

I thought my daughter-in-law was a prostitute.

i.imgur.com
 
2012-11-26 10:38:03 PM
A couple billion people sure will be embarrassed when they find out there was a slight misunderstanding a few thousand years ago and they realize how silly they've been this whole time. We'll all have a good laugh about it in the morning.
 
2012-11-26 10:39:05 PM

RoyFokker'sGhost: AverageAmericanGuy: #0 The Hebrew Bible is not the final arbiter of what is in the Bible.

The King James version of the Bible translates and corrects many of the supposed "problems" with the original texts. It is the only true divinely inspired Word of God acceptable to today's Christians. Even versions similar to the King James version, such as the New King James version, are corruptions and are the work of Satan.

Mighty fine work for a guy with a serious case of teh ghey, like King Jimmy had, isn't it?

/James was a Biblical scholar and did quite a few of the translations himself.


You're thinking of the wrong James, methinks. James I wasn't the butthole surfer.
 
2012-11-26 10:40:33 PM
I'd watch that movie. Someone call Tarantino.
 
2012-11-26 10:40:43 PM

Bill_Wick's_Friend: Judah sleeps with his daughter-in-law when she is disguised as a prostitute!

I wanna set the record straight.

I thought my daughter-in-law was a prostitute.


Here's the thing: If you go and have sex with someone for payment (I believe it was a goat in the story,) are you really "disguised" as a prostitute? You sure aren't "pretending" to be a prostitute.
 
2012-11-26 10:41:56 PM

Free Range Fetus Farmer: bugontherug: The character "Yahweh" in the Hebrew Bible should not be confused with the god of western theological speculation (generally referred to as "God"). The attributes assigned to "God" by post-biblical theologians -- such as omniscience and immutability -- are simply not attributes possessed by the character Yahweh as drawn in biblical narratives. Indeed, on several occasions Yahweh is explicitly described as changing his mind, because when it comes to human beings his learning curve is steep. Humans have free will; they act in ways that surprise him and he must change tack and respond. One of the greatest challenges for modern readers of the Hebrew Bible is to allow the text to mean what it says, when what is says flies in the face of doctrines that emerged centuries later from philosophical debates about the abstract category "God."

Some people are even saying Yahweh Elohim is really Satan, and that Christians (and Jews) who worship him as "God" are deceived.

Read the Old Testament. Really, read it with your eyes opened. Then come back and tell me that son of a b*tch isn't a full on, raging clinical psychopath. 

Remember: according to Yahweh Elohim, our first sin was learning the difference between good and evil.

Why do you suppose he didn't want us to know?

Well he also kicked us out of Eden so we couldn't get at the Tree of Life. Knowledge + Immortality = a god in in the writers' eyes.


Ah, so you've studied the Conclave Bible also
 
2012-11-26 10:42:37 PM
Or things anybody that's not an evangelical christian has known since they read the bible.
 
2012-11-26 10:46:55 PM

First line

Correction #1

The Hebrew Bible is not a book. It was not produced by a single author in one time and place

If that's how stupid you start your derp, I'm not going to bother with the rest of your idiotic ramblings.
 
2012-11-26 10:48:37 PM
I'm not saying its aliens but the first chapter of Ezekiel sure sounds like a UFO. If you beleave in UFOs. I don't
 
2012-11-26 10:49:02 PM

manimal2878: Or things anybody that's not an evangelical christian has known since they read the bible.


img3.ranker.com
?

I'll go with 'Probably not'.
 
2012-11-26 10:50:11 PM
What about the time Jesus and Moses killed the entire Roman army with assault rifles?

img844.imageshack.us
 
2012-11-26 10:52:02 PM

OnlyM3: First line
Correction #1

The Hebrew Bible is not a book. It was not produced by a single author in one time and place
If that's how stupid you start your derp, I'm not going to bother with the rest of your idiotic ramblings.


/not sure if serious
 
2012-11-26 10:52:28 PM

OnlyM3: First line
Correction #1

The Hebrew Bible is not a book. It was not produced by a single author in one time and place
If that's how stupid you start your derp, I'm not going to bother with the rest of your idiotic ramblings.


Exactly!!! I would only add: #6. It might as well be a fortune in a Chinese cookie. Any idiot can make it "say" whatever they believe, or whatever agenda it serves.
 
2012-11-26 10:52:36 PM
FTA: " Indeed, on several occasions Yahweh is explicitly described as changing his mind . . ."

But didn't the mythical god (LC intentional) change his mind when he sent Jake down to tell us to turn the other cheek?
 
2012-11-26 10:55:11 PM
I have my own proprietary Bible code that clearly reveals me to be the all-being, master of time, space, and existence.
 
2012-11-26 10:55:54 PM
i.imgur.com
Hate to say I told you so...

i.imgur.com
I for one welcome our sexy catgirl overlordesses.
 
2012-11-26 10:56:03 PM
We could plan a murder.... or start a religion. JM
 
2012-11-26 10:56:49 PM

Fano: Ah, so you've studied the Conclave Bible also


Well, it's in the regular bible also, Genesis 3:22-24 says :

3:22 And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:
3:23 Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.
3:24 So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.
 
2012-11-26 10:58:49 PM
memedepot.com
 
2012-11-26 10:59:13 PM

Superjoe: diaphoresis: Professor M: Friday, the 27th of Geldof

Nice Red Dwarf throwback...

/I miss Red Dwarf
//Lister's paranoia was funny as hell

They just did the first new season in ages...actually it's a lot better than the previous few seasons. You should check Pirate Bay


TYVM... on it
 
2012-11-26 11:01:45 PM
What about the long lost first page

www2.b3ta.com
 
2012-11-26 11:02:01 PM

Gleeman:
Hate to say I told you so...

[i.imgur.com image 384x599]
I for one welcome our sexy catgirl overlordesses.


MEEEE-YOOOWWWZA!
 
2012-11-26 11:06:00 PM
Also, how cat-like are they? This is important! 

moneygunsweed.com
 
2012-11-26 11:08:45 PM
After reading this article, it strikes me that it must be difficult to teach her class without resorting to pure lecture without discussion or questions. Discussion on these topics would get nasty and waste a lot of time.
 
2012-11-26 11:15:45 PM

Gyrfalcon: RoyFokker'sGhost: AverageAmericanGuy: #0 The Hebrew Bible is not the final arbiter of what is in the Bible.

The King James version of the Bible translates and corrects many of the supposed "problems" with the original texts. It is the only true divinely inspired Word of God acceptable to today's Christians. Even versions similar to the King James version, such as the New King James version, are corruptions and are the work of Satan.

Mighty fine work for a guy with a serious case of teh ghey, like King Jimmy had, isn't it?

/James was a Biblical scholar and did quite a few of the translations himself.

You're thinking of the wrong James, methinks. James I wasn't the butthole surfer.


From the all-knowing, all-seeing Wiki...

Throughout his life James had close relationships with male courtiers, which has caused debate among historians about their nature.[126] After his accession in England, his peaceful and scholarly attitude contrasted strikingly with the bellicose and flirtatious behaviour of Elizabeth,[126] as indicated by the contemporary epigram Rex fuit Elizabeth, nunc est regina Jacobus (Elizabeth was King, now James is Queen).[127] Some of James's biographers conclude that Esmé Stewart (later Duke of Lennox), Robert Carr (later Earl of Somerset), and George Villiers (later Duke of Buckingham) were his lovers.[128] Restoration of Apethorpe Hall, undertaken in 2004-08, revealed a previously unknown passage linking the bedchambers of James and Villiers.[129] Others argue that the relationships were not sexual.[130] James's Basilikon Doron lists sodomy among crimes "ye are bound in conscience never to forgive", and James's wife Anne gave birth to seven live children, as well as suffering two stillbirths and at least three other miscarriages.[131]

At the very least, he was probably bi. The Duke of Buckingham in particular had a certain hold over James, and many contemporaries reported at the disgusting and fawning nature of James towards him in later years.
 
2012-11-26 11:25:49 PM
You know why the Bible is better than any other holy book? The Bible burns longer.
 
2012-11-26 11:26:25 PM
Most Christians today treat the Bible like the Terms of Agreement page on a software license: They don't read it, they just skip to the bottom and click "I Agree".
 
2012-11-26 11:30:32 PM
Since it is a well documented fact that men are from Mars, and women are from Venus, I can only infer that the Cat Girls must, in fact, be from Venus.
QED
 
2012-11-26 11:31:29 PM

John Dewey: This article is God's way of testing Her faithful


*golf clap*
 
2012-11-26 11:32:48 PM

whatshisname: Correction #6: The Hebrew Bible is not non-fiction.

making fun of the Bible is edgy and cool

/fixed
 
2012-11-26 11:34:04 PM

AverageAmericanGuy: The King James version of the Bible translates and corrects many of the supposed "problems" with the original texts. It is the only true divinely inspired Word of God acceptable to today's Christians. Even versions similar to the King James version, such as the New King James version, are corruptions and are the work of Satan.


No no, a better one is coming out: The Conservative Bible Project: It's going to eliminate all the contradictions and errors and liberal crap in the Bible to purify it for today's Fox News watching, Republican voting red-blooded Real Americans.
 
2012-11-26 11:35:11 PM

tilrman: A couple billion people sure will be embarrassed when they find out there was a slight misunderstanding a few thousand years ago and they realize how silly they've been this whole time. We'll all have a good laugh about it in the morning.


Celebrate! Priests are supposed to celebrate!
 
2012-11-26 11:40:18 PM
The KJV Fundies hold as the literal "word of a god" was written over the span of 1600 years, by 40 different people, none of whom were alive in the time Jesus is purported to have lived.

Good thing it was divinely inspired and immutable (aside from all those annoying language translations), right, Fundies?
 
2012-11-26 11:41:39 PM
RULE # 1 about the Bible:

If you want to "believe it", DON'T READ IT!!!


/And that's the God's honest truth
 
2012-11-26 11:42:06 PM

Hector Remarkable: I have my own proprietary Bible code


GPL it and throw it on github.
 
2012-11-26 11:47:18 PM
Nothing can beat Mecha-Shiva

www.venturefans.org
media.tumblr.com

/Mecha-Shiva! Mecha-Shiva! Mecha-Shiva!
 
2012-11-26 11:47:35 PM
Over several years I had built a small collection of bibles. I found the differences in translation and slant interesting. When we moved over two years ago, several of them were lost. I can't afford to replace them right now.This was my favorite: Link I think I may have had a different edition as the paper and binding in mine were fine.
 
2012-11-26 11:53:41 PM
My students learn all five of these before we're done going over the syllabus in Intro to Hebrew Bible or Intro to the New Testament.

Then again, I said all this in an Article HuffPo chose not to print.
 
2012-11-26 11:57:05 PM
24.media.tumblr.com
 
2012-11-26 11:59:31 PM

GungFu: Mary was raped by God and people are ok with this?


Some Christians argue that Mary in stating (paraphrasing alert) "Let it be as you have said." gives consent.

Islam takes a slightly different view. The spirit of the Lord makes no physical contact with Mary. Rather, Genesis and the "Let there be ... " command is echoed. I have copied the following from islaam.net.

The Qur'anic account of Isa (Jesus, Peace be upon him ) starts with the conception of his mother, Maryam (Mary, peace be upon her), whose mother, the wife of Imran, vowed to dedicate her child to the service of God in the temple. When Maryam (Peace be upon her) became a woman, the Spirit (the angel Jibraîl ) appeared to her as a man bringing her the news of a son. We read the following dialogue in the Qur'an between Maryam (Peace be upon her) and the angel:
"When the angels said: 'O Mary! Allah gives thee glad tidings of a Word from Him, whose name is the Messiah, Jesus, Peace be upon him son of Mary, illustrious in the world and the Hereafter, and one of those brought near (unto Allah). He will speak unto mankind in his cradle and in his manhood, and he will be of the righteous.' She said: 'My Lord! How can I have a child when no mortal has touched me?' He said: 'So (it will be). Allah creates what He will. If He decrees a thing, He says unto it only: "Be!" and it is.'"(Ali-Imran, 3:45-47)

Personally, I prefer the account given in the Quran. It's just a quirk of mine.
 
2012-11-27 12:04:05 AM

cjoshuav: My students learn all five of these before we're done going over the syllabus in Intro to Hebrew Bible or Intro to the New Testament.

Then again, I said all this in an Article HuffPo chose not to print.


I've only glanced at, but I suspect I will like your article more than the one that was linked. I'm tired now so I've emailed to myself. By the way, the subscribe button is not working. When I clicked, I received an extensive message about the coding of the site.
 
2012-11-27 12:11:08 AM
Excellent article. Strange thing is, most posters here are repeating the same snark as if it went into one ear and out the other.
 
2012-11-27 12:16:26 AM
Entered this thread for pics of catgirls.
Leaving disappointed. :(
 
2012-11-27 12:17:36 AM

tilrman: A couple billion people sure will be embarrassed when they find out there was a slight misunderstanding a few thousand years ago and they realize how silly they've been this whole time. We'll all have a good laugh about it in the morning.


Any day now...
 
2012-11-27 12:21:53 AM

the801: TFA fails for not mentioning that part in Phillipians where it says you have to kill doctors who do abortions. there's also no mention of the part where it says you have to homeschool your kids so that they know that evolution is a lie that the devil made to push people away from christ.

fail.


U tard?
Yeah, U tard
 
2012-11-27 12:24:18 AM
If you enjoyed this article, I'd highly recommend the book "The Evolution of God" by Robert Wright. It's not a quick read, by any means, but damn if it isn't interesting.

The Evolution of God
 
2012-11-27 12:32:20 AM

Impasse: Hector Remarkable: I have my own proprietary Bible code

GPL it and throw it on github.


I have no need to. I'm the all-being.
 
2012-11-27 12:32:33 AM

FizixJunkee: Acharne: That was a terrific article. I really liked this part from it:

"Just as an attempt to impose harmony and consistency on the short stories collected in the Norton Anthology of English Literature would do great violence to those stories, any attempt to impose harmony and consistency on the diverse books collected in the Bible -- to extract a single message or truth -- does great violence to those books."

Good find subby. Thank you.

Agreed.

I liked #3:

The Hebrew Bible is not a timeless or eternal work that stands outside the normal processes of literary production. Its books emerged from specific times and places. Reading the Bible alongside parallel materials from the many cultures of the Ancient Near East shows the deep indebtedness of the biblical authors to the literary heritage of the Ancient Near East. The ancient Israelites borrowed and adapted literary motifs and conventions from their larger cultural context and an awareness of those motifs and conventions produces richer, more coherent readings of the biblical text than are otherwise possible.


Kind of like how the high points of the New Testament's life story for Jesus is strikingly similar to the Egyptian stories about Horus?
 
2012-11-27 12:35:13 AM
i'm a Seventh Day Advent Hoppist myself
 
2012-11-27 12:40:27 AM

AverageAmericanGuy: #0 The Hebrew Bible is not the final arbiter of what is in the Bible.

The King James version of the Bible translates and corrects many of the supposed "problems" with the original texts. It is the only true divinely inspired Word of God acceptable to today's Christians. Even versions similar to the King James version, such as the New King James version, are corruptions and are the work of Satan.


Amen! I've always preferred the KJV.
 
2012-11-27 12:42:13 AM
That's in Apollo 13, right?
 
2012-11-27 12:47:34 AM

AverageAmericanGuy: #0 The Hebrew Bible is not the final arbiter of what is in the Bible.

The King James version of the Bible translates and corrects many of the supposed "problems" with the original texts. It is the only true divinely inspired Word of God acceptable to today's Christians. Even versions similar to the King James version, such as the New King James version, are corruptions and are the work of Satan.


The King James Version is a horribly translated piece of crap with dozens of deliberate mistranslations, most reflecting the rather Puritan view of the age.

If you want to 'believe' in the bible, get a proper translation.

(And that said, as the article mentioned, the current version is the result of a committee sponsored by Constinine (?) which homogenized the various stories, and stripped out all the evil gospels that were introduced by women...)
 
2012-11-27 12:47:52 AM

Ishkur: AverageAmericanGuy: The King James version of the Bible translates and corrects many of the supposed "problems" with the original texts. It is the only true divinely inspired Word of God acceptable to today's Christians. Even versions similar to the King James version, such as the New King James version, are corruptions and are the work of Satan.

No no, a better one is coming out: The Conservative Bible Project: It's going to eliminate all the contradictions and errors and liberal crap in the Bible to purify it for today's Fox News watching, Republican voting red-blooded Real Americans.


Anton LaVey already did it. It wasn't a very good read when I was 15.
 
2012-11-27 01:26:05 AM

JudgeMuttonChops: i'm a Seventh Day Advent Hoppist myself


You brew beer on the 7th day?
 
2012-11-27 01:34:27 AM

ladyfortuna: JudgeMuttonChops: i'm a Seventh Day Advent Hoppist myself

You brew beer on the 7th day?


That sounds like a good plan if you drink it on the other six days : )
 
2012-11-27 01:36:12 AM
Too many Christian/Bible threads lately.

oi46.tinypic.com
 
2012-11-27 01:41:13 AM

God-is-a-Taco: Too many Christian/Bible threads lately.

[oi46.tinypic.com image 440x465]


I agree when do we get a thread on the Mahabharata : )
 
2012-11-27 01:48:44 AM

tinfoil-hat maggie:

I agree when do we get a thread on the Mahabharata : )


Shiva is a pretty cool dude, that's for sure.
Bible parables lack the subtlety of chopping a guy's head off to replace it with an elephant's head.
People with human heads just can't be trusted to guard your woman. A lesson man is doomed to repeat.
 
2012-11-27 02:12:06 AM

RoyFokker'sGhost: Gyrfalcon: RoyFokker'sGhost: AverageAmericanGuy: #0 The Hebrew Bible is not the final arbiter of what is in the Bible.

The King James version of the Bible translates and corrects many of the supposed "problems" with the original texts. It is the only true divinely inspired Word of God acceptable to today's Christians. Even versions similar to the King James version, such as the New King James version, are corruptions and are the work of Satan.

Mighty fine work for a guy with a serious case of teh ghey, like King Jimmy had, isn't it?

/James was a Biblical scholar and did quite a few of the translations himself.

You're thinking of the wrong James, methinks. James I wasn't the butthole surfer.

From the all-knowing, all-seeing Wiki...

Throughout his life James had close relationships with male courtiers, which has caused debate among historians about their nature.[126] After his accession in England, his peaceful and scholarly attitude contrasted strikingly with the bellicose and flirtatious behaviour of Elizabeth,[126] as indicated by the contemporary epigram Rex fuit Elizabeth, nunc est regina Jacobus (Elizabeth was King, now James is Queen).[127] Some of James's biographers conclude that Esmé Stewart (later Duke of Lennox), Robert Carr (later Earl of Somerset), and George Villiers (later Duke of Buckingham) were his lovers.[128] Restoration of Apethorpe Hall, undertaken in 2004-08, revealed a previously unknown passage linking the bedchambers of James and Villiers.[129] Others argue that the relationships were not sexual.[130] James's Basilikon Doron lists sodomy among crimes "ye are bound in conscience never to forgive", and James's wife Anne gave birth to seven live children, as well as suffering two stillbirths and at least three other miscarriages.[131]

At the very least, he was probably bi. The Duke of Buckingham in particular had a certain hold over James, and many contemporaries reported at the disgusting and fawning nature of James towards him in later ...


Ah, then it seems I thinketh of the wrong James. Although Buckingham was pretty disgusting anyway; and who knows what kind of hold he had over the King...
 
2012-11-27 02:39:35 AM

thomps: JohnCarter: An interesting list

Mentioned but did not go into detail on why which books are in the bible and which books are not in the bible (gnostic springs to mind)

These are some good reading:
Gospel of Mary (recovered in 1896)
Gospel of Thomas (versions found in Oxyrhynchus, Egypt in 1898, and again in the Nag Hammadi Library)
Gospel of Truth (Nag Hammadi Library)
Gospel of Philip (Nag Hammadi Library)
Gospel of Judas (recovered via the antiquities black market in 1983, and then reconstructed in 2006)

those would be candidates for the new testament, not the hebrew bible.


I noticed the confusion where some people were like "Holy shiat, a new part of the Bible!" and others were like "that's not the 'real' Bible, that's just a Gnostic work, it's fiction".

Both are off-base. As Correction #1 states, the Bible is an arbitrary picking of a much larger set of religious works, selected by the Council of Trent in the 16th century. And things like the Book of Revelations were mighty controversial, as it had no connection to Jesus or the Apostles, inconsistent with Jesus's guiding principles and values, and was of unknown origin. But it was popular, people thought it was cool. It was like a baffling metal album cover turned into a book, and that impressed people at the time. It was popular.

So it's not automatically "the Bible" because it's old and features characters mentioned elsewhere. And it's not really automatically, definitively NOT the Bible because the Council of Trent (or later Protestant councils) didn't pick it, they didn't even know it existed at the time.
 
2012-11-27 02:41:06 AM
-1 for no mention of onanism.

Heh. Onanism.
 
2012-11-27 02:47:05 AM

Ishkur: AverageAmericanGuy: The King James version of the Bible translates and corrects many of the supposed "problems" with the original texts. It is the only true divinely inspired Word of God acceptable to today's Christians. Even versions similar to the King James version, such as the New King James version, are corruptions and are the work of Satan.

No no, a better one is coming out: The Conservative Bible Project: It's going to eliminate all the contradictions and errors and liberal crap in the Bible to purify it for today's Fox News watching, Republican voting red-blooded Real Americans.


Let's not forget the Jefferson Bible, a half-hearted attempt at reform, in which Thomas Jefferson literally cut-and-pasted to distill the DOCTRINE of Jesus without all the magical stuff. He also set out to get a single narrative out of this instead of the redundant, conflicting, fragmented narrative of Matthew/Mark/Luke/John.
 
2012-11-27 03:41:38 AM
Subby is a HERATIC! Everyone knows that Jesus didn't pilot robots. He rode dinosaurs.

www.dailysquib.co.uk
 
2012-11-27 03:47:11 AM
So the jews have just been reading porn which has no bearing on anything. I guess it's time to give up the begals. They probably have the wrong flood water in them anyway.
 
2012-11-27 05:06:57 AM

GungFu: Mary was raped by God and people are ok with this?

And answer me this:

If God is all knowing and that man has no free will and all that shiat, then how come he asked Abraham to sacrifice his son as a test of faith?
Did he not know the answer already? And if not, then it shows that God gave man free will, which means he made people atheists and believers of other religions.
So, basically, Christians, what the fark are you on about. Blame God , you coont, for making people non-believers. Or something something, I'm tired.


I had a very similar discussion with several Christian friends of mine about the whole "Abraham sacrificing his son" thing. I made the same point you did about free will, but I also mentioned that the Christian God is very anti human-sacrifice (as far as rituals and all that go). Why then, would he demand one from Abraham? Granted, he had no intention of having Abe go through with it, but still, why would he tell him to do it? Why force someone to do something that you supposedly completely abhor? Abraham had no way of knowing that he wasn't supposed to actually go through with it. Basically, what my argument came down to was: if killing is a sin, why would God tell someone to do it? Is it ok to sin if God tells you to?

One of the guys in this discussion was a licensed minister who had his Masters in theology and had been a pastor for close to 15 years, and said that this was the first time he'd ever been asked that question on the matter. Between him and the three or so other people engaged in this discussion, none of them were ever able to give me a straight answer.

I like to think that I'm a pretty open minded guy when it comes to various religious faiths and beliefs. I'm able to maintain my suspension of disbelief if the person talking is honestly trying to convey a message about just being a good person, helping others, not being a complete dick, and stuff like that, no matter how ridiculous the story being told is or what religion it comes from; but there are many parts of the Hebrew and Christian bibles that I just can't wrap my mind around.
 
2012-11-27 05:21:40 AM
i249.photobucket.com
 
2012-11-27 05:43:53 AM
I think we're due another Council of Trent bible-editing conference,

I vote taking out Leviticus, and adding the script for that episode of Battlestar when Starbuck dies and has flashbacks to her awesomely creepy mother.

And maybe The Gruffalo.
 
2012-11-27 05:53:53 AM

James F. Campbell: The only book of the Bible worth reading -- and even that is stretching it -- is Ecclesiastes.


I read somewhere that the book Ecclesiastes never actually uses the Hebrew name for "God", but instead uses "ha-Elohim", which is a phrase that was used by other religions to refer to "the God".

Many scholars have wondered over the years why Ecclesiastes is even included in the Bible. The House of Hillel, for example, argued that it should not.

So for people out there who want to read a little ancient philosophy, and don't want it to be too heavily influenced by scripture, try Ecclesiastes.
 
2012-11-27 06:21:04 AM

ladyfortuna: JudgeMuttonChops: i'm a Seventh Day Advent Hoppist myself

You brew beer on the 7th day?


tinfoil-hat maggie: ladyfortuna: JudgeMuttonChops: i'm a Seventh Day Advent Hoppist myself

You brew beer on the 7th day?

That sounds like a good plan if you drink it on the other six days : )


"faith, hop and charity... and the greatest of these is hop" :)
 
2012-11-27 06:26:40 AM

Lionel Mandrake: Most people are apparently pretty stupid.

/already knew that


I knew it too.
But I am still surprised every time I have it pointed out to me.

\I like to think it is a good thing and shows....
\\something, umm
\\\positive? about me.
 
2012-11-27 06:30:37 AM

Capt. Sparkles: I had a very similar discussion with several Christian friends of mine about the whole "Abraham sacrificing his son" thing. I made the same point you did about free will, but I also mentioned that the Christian God is very anti human-sacrifice (as far as rituals and all that go). Why then, would he demand one from Abraham?


Old Testament God and New Testament God are two different guys, practically.

Old Testament God loved sacrifices. The very first crime in the book is caused by God's preference for blood sacrifices. He accepts Abel's offerings of burnt fat from the flock and He disrespects Cain's offerings of fruit. That makes Cain jealous of Abel which leads to the first murder.

Even Noah and his family sacrificed a whole bunch of clean birds and animals immediately after they get off the Ark which is not a wise thing to do considering there's hardly any animals left in the world.

God always played favorites to whoever charbroiled the goods. King David offered Saul's entire family (seven in all) to the Gibeonites for a ritual sacrifice to God. That stopped a famine. Joshua sacrificed Achon's family (and all his possessions) to God. That allowed the Israelites to conquer a town. The king of the Moabites sacrificed his firstborn son to stave off an attack from the Israelites and that somehow worked despite the fact that the Moabites didn't even worship God. God also ordered Moses to massacre the Midianites, specifically requesting a sacrifice of the portion of the 32,000 virgins they captured for the Israeli army's USO show, of which the number turned out to be 32.

There's also the story of Jephthah, who pledged to sacrifice to God the next person to come through the door of his house for some reason. The next person turned out to be his one and only virgin daughter. So after giving the girl a couple months to enjoy what remained of her doomed life, Jephthah dutifully burned her at the stake. God was pleased.

The reason why sacrifices stop in the New Testament is because of Jesus Christ. For what is Jesus, really, but the ultimate human sacrificial offering: God sacrificing Himself to Himself!

It's kinda hard to top that, which is why God doesn't request sacrifices anymore.
 
2012-11-27 06:42:15 AM
#1,201,952: The plagues and exodus of Egypt apparently went on completely unnoticed by the Egyptians.
 
2012-11-27 07:20:19 AM

Fano: Hopefully talks about the prophet Elisha summoning shebears to eat children that called him "baldy:n or anything about tubby commie Jesus.

Really, any of the good stuff from Ken's Guide to the Bible.

Poor Uzzah, he only meant to keep the Ark from touching the ground, how was he to know it was a magical murderbox?


I wonder what was it about "do not touch" was confusing...

i1.glitter-graphics.org
/Hot like heaven's wrath...
 
2012-11-27 07:22:31 AM

JohnCarter: An interesting list

Mentioned but did not go into detail on why which books are in the bible and which books are not in the bible (gnostic springs to mind)

These are some good reading:
Gospel of Mary (recovered in 1896)
Gospel of Thomas (versions found in Oxyrhynchus, Egypt in 1898, and again in the Nag Hammadi Library)
Gospel of Truth (Nag Hammadi Library)
Gospel of Philip (Nag Hammadi Library)
Gospel of Judas (recovered via the antiquities black market in 1983, and then reconstructed in 2006)


as I understand it, the reason those are not included in the Bible is because they contradict the primary messages of the accepted books in one or more ways...

/it's good to be the King
 
2012-11-27 07:25:34 AM

Professor M: Good evening. Here is the news on Friday, the 27th of Geldof. Archaeologists near Mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a missing page from the Bible. The page is currently being carbon dated in Bonn. If genuine it belongs at the beginning of the Bible and is believed to read "To my darling Candy. All characters portrayed within this book are fictitous and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental." The page has been universally condemned by church leaders.


cute but would you have us believe that a lawyer really has that much of an imagination (let alone a soul to contemplate the moral complexities of humanity in an artistic fashion)?
 
2012-11-27 07:28:19 AM

John Dewey: 12349876: I've always wondered why so many Americans put their trust in a British King for their religious text.

Because Jesus spoke with a British accent.


www.wearysloth.com
 
2012-11-27 07:32:37 AM

GungFu: Mary was raped by God and people are ok with this?

And answer me this:

If God is all knowing and that man has no free will and all that shiat, then how come he asked Abraham to sacrifice his son as a test of faith?
Did he not know the answer already? And if not, then it shows that God gave man free will, which means he made people atheists and believers of other religions.
So, basically, Christians, what the fark are you on about. Blame God , you coont, for making people non-believers. Or something something, I'm tired.


farm4.staticflickr.com
/You should get some rest...
 
2012-11-27 07:38:00 AM

Acharne: AverageAmericanGuy: #0 The Hebrew Bible is not the final arbiter of what is in the Bible.

The King James version of the Bible translates and corrects many of the supposed "problems" with the original texts. It is the only true divinely inspired Word of God acceptable to today's Christians. Even versions similar to the King James version, such as the New King James version, are corruptions and are the work of Satan.

So as long as it is in English and is the King James version it is divinely inspired but all other version in any other language are the works of Satan? Is this really what you are saying?


It's kind of like Muslims... if the Koran is not in Arabic, then it is not a true Koran... at least according to the ones I have debated. They seem to feel that if someone who doesn't speak Arabic can read it then that nullifies everything. Everyone likes to make excuses (Muslim, Christian, Buddhist, etc)... human nature and all that.
 
2012-11-27 08:02:11 AM

HindiDiscoMonster: JohnCarter: An interesting list

Mentioned but did not go into detail on why which books are in the bible and which books are not in the bible (gnostic springs to mind)

These are some good reading:
Gospel of Mary (recovered in 1896)
Gospel of Thomas (versions found in Oxyrhynchus, Egypt in 1898, and again in the Nag Hammadi Library)
Gospel of Truth (Nag Hammadi Library)
Gospel of Philip (Nag Hammadi Library)
Gospel of Judas (recovered via the antiquities black market in 1983, and then reconstructed in 2006)

as I understand it, the reason those are not included in the Bible is because they contradict the primary messages of the accepted books in one or more ways...

/it's good to be the King


My favorite bible, which was one of several lost, included the apocrypha. It was very interesting.
 
2012-11-27 08:02:30 AM

Ishkur: Capt. Sparkles:[snip]
Old Testament God and New Testament God are two different guys, practically.

Old Testament God loved sacrifices. The very first crime in the book is caused by God's preference for blood sacrifices. He accepts Abel's offerings of burnt fat from the flock and He disrespects Cain's offerings of fruit. That makes Cain jealous of Abel which leads to the first murder.

Even Noah and his family sacrificed a whole bunch of clean birds and animals immediately after they get off the Ark which is not a wise thing to do considering there's hardly any animals left in the world.

God always played favorites to whoever charbroiled the goods. King David offered Saul's entire family (seven in all) to the Gibeonites for a ritual sacrifice to God. That stopped a famine. Joshua sacrificed Achon's family (and all his possessions) to God. That allowed the Israelites to conquer a town. The king of the Moabites sacrificed his firstborn son to stave off an attack from the Israelites and that somehow worked despite the fact that the Moabites didn't even worship God. God also ordered Moses to massacre the Midianites, specifically requesting a sacrifice of the portion of the 32,000 virgins they captured for the Israeli army's USO show, of which the number turned out to be 32.

There's also the story of Jephthah, who pledged to sacrifice to God the next person to come through the door of his house for some reason. The next person turned out to be his one and only virgin daughter. So after giving the girl a couple months to enjoy what remained of her doomed life, Jephthah dutifully burned her at the stake. God was pleased.

The reason why sacrifices stop in the New Testament is because of Jesus Christ. For what is Jesus, really, but the ultimate human sacrificial offering: God sacrificing Himself to Himself!

It's kinda hard to top that, which is why God doesn't request sacrifices anymore.


tulsaartofbbq.com
/Who doesn't like a good BBQ?
 
2012-11-27 08:04:36 AM

skinink: 6) Catholic religion is based on a mistranslation. The Septuagint scholars mistranslated the Hebrew word for "young woman" into the Greek word for "virgin". It was an easy mistake to make because there was only a subtle difference in the spelling.So, they came up with a prophecy: "Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear us a son." You understand? It was "virgin" that caught people's attention. It's not everyday a virgin conceives and bears a son.
But leave that for a couple of hundred years to stew and next thing you know you have the Holy Catholic Church.


Given the scholarship, texts, and linguists available; I'm not sure we can lay that solely at the feet of the Catholic church. Protestant churches also are surely aware of problematic early translations by now.
 
2012-11-27 08:11:34 AM
southparkstudios-intl.mtvnimages.com 


/Sea-man
 
2012-11-27 08:13:39 AM
http://www.thethinkingatheist.com/page/bible-contradictions

Mine eyes have seen the coming of the ...

Nevermind.
 
2012-11-27 08:23:56 AM

Oznog: Ishkur: AverageAmericanGuy: The King James version of the Bible translates and corrects many of the supposed "problems" with the original texts. It is the only true divinely inspired Word of God acceptable to today's Christians. Even versions similar to the King James version, such as the New King James version, are corruptions and are the work of Satan.

No no, a better one is coming out: The Conservative Bible Project: It's going to eliminate all the contradictions and errors and liberal crap in the Bible to purify it for today's Fox News watching, Republican voting red-blooded Real Americans.

Let's not forget the Jefferson Bible, a half-hearted attempt at reform, in which Thomas Jefferson literally cut-and-pasted to distill the DOCTRINE of Jesus without all the magical stuff. He also set out to get a single narrative out of this instead of the redundant, conflicting, fragmented narrative of Matthew/Mark/Luke/John.


I'd love to have a reproduction of the Jefferson Bible, but the one I really, really want is a reproduction/translation of the Ethiopian bible with the pictures. Come on American publishing houses, you have a market: get to negotiating and bring the Ethiopian bible to America. Link
 
2012-11-27 09:05:56 AM
prorege-forum.com
http://www.amazon.com/Shocked-Bible-Astonishing-Facts-Youve/dp/084992 0 116 

ecx.images-amazon.com
http://www.amazon.com/Too-Long-Sun-Richard-Rives/dp/B000R0JCOI/ref=sr _ 1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1354025029&sr=1-1&keywords=too+long+in+the+sun

ecx.images-amazon.com
http://www.amazon.com/Time-Ally-Deceit-Richard-Rives/dp/0982284403/re f =sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1354025029&sr=1-2&keywords=too+long+in+the +sun
 
2012-11-27 09:32:09 AM

Capt. Sparkles: GungFu: Mary was raped by God and people are ok with this?

And answer me this:

If God is all knowing and that man has no free will and all that shiat, then how come he asked Abraham to sacrifice his son as a test of faith?
Did he not know the answer already? And if not, then it shows that God gave man free will, which means he made people atheists and believers of other religions.
So, basically, Christians, what the fark are you on about. Blame God , you coont, for making people non-believers. Or something something, I'm tired.

I had a very similar discussion with several Christian friends of mine about the whole "Abraham sacrificing his son" thing. I made the same point you did about free will, but I also mentioned that the Christian God is very anti human-sacrifice (as far as rituals and all that go). Why then, would he demand one from Abraham? Granted, he had no intention of having Abe go through with it, but still, why would he tell him to do it? Why force someone to do something that you supposedly completely abhor? Abraham had no way of knowing that he wasn't supposed to actually go through with it. Basically, what my argument came down to was: if killing is a sin, why would God tell someone to do it? Is it ok to sin if God tells you to?

One of the guys in this discussion was a licensed minister who had his Masters in theology and had been a pastor for close to 15 years, and said that this was the first time he'd ever been asked that question on the matter. Between him and the three or so other people engaged in this discussion, none of them were ever able to give me a straight answer.

I like to think that I'm a pretty open minded guy when it comes to various religious faiths and beliefs. I'm able to maintain my suspension of disbelief if the person talking is honestly trying to convey a message about just being a good person, helping others, not being a complete dick, and stuff like that, no matter how ridiculous the story being told is or what religion ...


I have issues with the story wherein Abraham is commanded to sacrifice Isaac as well. When I taught it, I refused to provide an explanation or canned "meaning". Instead I asked the kids questions very much like the one you asked. I asked "What did you think about this story? Did anyone have a problem with this story? What do you think Sarah thought about this incident? Do you think this story upholds or conflicts with some of your values? Do you think the popularity of this story has any influence on our societys' willingness to send our sons to war?"
 
2012-11-27 09:52:23 AM

Rufus Lee King: The poor robot never had a chance when Varoz the evil Jew released the two-headed Golem.

[www.misterkitty.org image 549x558]

[www.misterkitty.org image 599x207]


Did someone say 'Golem'?
 
2012-11-27 09:58:05 AM

bugontherug: The character "Yahweh" in the Hebrew Bible should not be confused with the god of western theological speculation (generally referred to as "God"). The attributes assigned to "God" by post-biblical theologians -- such as omniscience and immutability -- are simply not attributes possessed by the character Yahweh as drawn in biblical narratives. Indeed, on several occasions Yahweh is explicitly described as changing his mind, because when it comes to human beings his learning curve is steep. Humans have free will; they act in ways that surprise him and he must change tack and respond. One of the greatest challenges for modern readers of the Hebrew Bible is to allow the text to mean what it says, when what is says flies in the face of doctrines that emerged centuries later from philosophical debates about the abstract category "God."

Some people are even saying Yahweh Elohim is really Satan, and that Christians (and Jews) who worship him as "God" are deceived.

Read the Old Testament. Really, read it with your eyes opened. Then come back and tell me that son of a b*tch isn't a full on, raging clinical psychopath. 

Remember: according to Yahweh Elohim, our first sin was learning the difference between good and evil.

Why do you suppose he didn't want us to know?


That is also a pretty dominant theme in a lot of the gnostic writings (those that I can still remember from school 10 years ago). They call him/it/her/whatever Yaldabaoth or Ialdabaoth.
 
2012-11-27 10:24:42 AM

Bungles: I think we're due another Council of Trent bible-editing conference,

I vote taking out Leviticus, and adding the script for that episode of Battlestar when Starbuck dies and has flashbacks to her awesomely creepy mother.

And maybe The Gruffalo.


Keep Leviticus for this:
9 "'When you reap the harvest of your land, do not reap to the very edges of your field or gather the gleanings of your harvest. 10 Do not go over your vineyard a second time or pick up the grapes that have fallen. Leave them for the poor and the foreigner. I am the Lord your God.

11 "'Do not steal.

"'Do not lie.

"'Do not deceive one another.

12 "'Do not swear falsely by my name and so profane the name of your God. I am the Lord.

13 "'Do not defraud or rob your neighbor.

"'Do not hold back the wages of a hired worker overnight.

14 "'Do not curse the deaf or put a stumbling block in front of the blind, but fear your God. I am the Lord.

15 "'Do not pervert justice; do not show partiality to the poor or favoritism to the great, but judge your neighbor fairly.

16 "'Do not go about spreading slander among your people.

"'Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor's life. I am the Lord.

17 "'Do not hate a fellow Israelite in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in their guilt.

18 "'Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.

But bear in mind that Leviticus was likely never intended to be interpreted as inspirational literature. It is legal/regulatory code from a particular people of a particular time.
 
2012-11-27 10:37:27 AM
I've never seen cat girls from mars, but I have seen biker mice from mars.
www.bikermice.tv 

/Ride free, citizen!
 
2012-11-27 10:55:29 AM

Lunaville: Bungles: I think we're due another Council of Trent bible-editing conference,

I vote taking out Leviticus, and adding the script for that episode of Battlestar when Starbuck dies and has flashbacks to her awesomely creepy mother.

And maybe The Gruffalo.

Keep Leviticus for this:
9 "'When you reap the harvest of your land, do not reap to the very edges of your field or gather the gleanings of your harvest. 10 Do not go over your vineyard a second time or pick up the grapes that have fallen. Leave them for the poor and the foreigner. I am the Lord your God.

11 "'Do not steal.

"'Do not lie.

"'Do not deceive one another.

12 "'Do not swear falsely by my name and so profane the name of your God. I am the Lord.

13 "'Do not defraud or rob your neighbor.

"'Do not hold back the wages of a hired worker overnight.

14 "'Do not curse the deaf or put a stumbling block in front of the blind, but fear your God. I am the Lord.

15 "'Do not pervert justice; do not show partiality to the poor or favoritism to the great, but judge your neighbor fairly.

16 "'Do not go about spreading slander among your people.

"'Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor's life. I am the Lord.

17 "'Do not hate a fellow Israelite in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in their guilt.

18 "'Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.

But bear in mind that Leviticus was likely never intended to be interpreted as inspirational literature. It is legal/regulatory code from a particular people of a particular time.




1. Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.

2. Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.

3. When in another's lair, show him respect or else do not go there.

4. If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.

5. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.

6. Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved.

7. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

8. Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.

9. Do not harm little children.

10. Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.

11. When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.
 
2012-11-27 11:19:18 AM

Pointy Tail of Satan: You know why the Bible is better than any other holy book? The Bible burns longer.


Yup.

oi50.tinypic.com


/shocked some friends
 
2012-11-27 11:34:57 AM

Hugo Zorilla: 1. Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.

2. Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.

3. When in another's lair, show him respect or else do not go there.

4. If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.

5. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.

6. Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved.

7. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

8. Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.

9. Do not harm little children.

10. Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.

11. When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.




LaVey's idiotic rules always read like they were written by this guy:

i25.photobucket.com 

/The whole internet is just jealous of his knowledge. Destroy them.
 
kgf
2012-11-27 12:39:33 PM
So, the Bible being the literal word of God is a crock of shiat? Hold the presses!!

/yawn
 
2012-11-27 12:49:09 PM

GentDirkly: This is from a Jewish perspective. All five points refute key points in Christian theology. The Christian who doesn't read much may not have noticed these difficult texts, but we have many Theology schools. We have noticed and dealt with the confusing texts each in our own way. Honestly, I invite anyone to read the Bible looking for some of the things he points out. It is not hard to figure out how some superficial contradictions are not contradictions at all. For instance, Genesis 1 vs Genesis 2. New Testament says that all people were known by God before the foundations of the Earth - though obviously we all appear on earth at different times. So it should not be difficult to see why the creation of man comes both before and after that of animals. For some of us, what I just said is deep. For others, it's gobbledygook. That's why Paul talks so much about being elect.


When you interpret things to suit yourself, are you really doing anything but inventing a religion for yourself? Hard to see any divine hand in such behavior.

So now there are different grades of contradiction? Strange, I thought contradiction meant one specific thing. You're just practicing standard evasion methods by attempting to redefine words to open avenues of escape. Also, you are practicing your interpretation tactics to read into the text things not explicitly written. Again writing religion for yourself.

All so that you can feel special, one of the "elect".

A whole lot of bother just to feel good about yourself.
 
2012-11-27 02:07:07 PM

Cpl.D: #1,201,952: The plagues and exodus of Egypt apparently went on completely unnoticed by the Egyptians.


True, there are flood stories that pre-date the Noah story and some evidence that some sort of really, big, whacky flood hit the region at some point, but there is no evidence of any sort to support Exodus. Still, it provided inspiration to the civil rights movement. It has influenced me to a firmer stance on equality for gay people. And it's a decent story about persevering through long term adversity.
 
2012-11-27 02:58:43 PM

GentDirkly: Honestly, I invite anyone to read the Bible looking for some of the things he points out. It is not hard to figure out how some superficial contradictions are not contradictions at all.


Saying a "superficial contradiction" is not a contradiction is a contradiction itself. Either something is a contradiction or its not. The problem isn't that the Bible has contradictions at all, it's that it has so many of them, and the mental gymnastics people use to explain them make the whole faith very silly and stupid. For example:

God is satisfied with his works (Gen 1:31)
God is dissatisfied with his works (Gen 6:6)

God dwells in chosen temples (2 Chron 7:12,16)
God dwells not in temples (Acts 7:48)

God dwells in light (Tim 6:16)
God dwells in darkness (1 Kings 8:12, Ps 18:11, Ps 97:2)

God is seen and heard (Ex 33:23, Ex 33:11, Gen 3:9,10, Gen 32:30, Is 6:1,Ex 24:9-11)
God is invisible and cannot be heard (John 1:18, John 5:37, Ex 33:20, 1 Tim 6:16)

God is tired and rests (Ex 31:17)
God is never tired and never rests (Is 40:28)

God is everywhere present, sees and knows all things (Prov 15:3, Ps 139:7-10, Job 34:22,21)
God is not everywhere present, neither sees nor knows all things (Gen 11:5, Gen 18:20,21, Gen 3:8)

God knows the hearts of men (Acts 1:24, Ps 139:2,3)
God tries men to find out what is in their heart (Deut 13:3, Deut 8:2, Gen 22:12)

God is all powerful (Jer 32:27, Matt 19:26)
God is not all powerful (Judg 1:19)

God is unchangeable (James 1:17, Mal 3:6, Ezek 24:14, Num 23:19)
God is changeable (Gen 6:6, Jonah 3:10, 1 Sam 2:30,31, 2 Kings 20:1,4,5,6,Ex 33:1,3,17,14)

God is just and impartial (Ps 92:15, Gen 18:25, Deut 32:4, Rom 2:11, Ezek 18:25)
God is unjust and partial (Gen 9:25, Ex 20:5, Rom 9:11-13, Matt 13:12)

God is the author of evil (Lam 3:38, Jer 18:11, Is 45:7, Amos 3:6, Ezek 20:25)
God is not the author of evil (1 Cor 14:33, Deut 32:4, James 1:13)

God gives freely to those who ask (James 1:5, Luke 11:10)
God withholds his blessings and prevents men from receiving them (John 12:40, Josh 11:20, Is 63:17)

God is to be found by those who seek him (Matt 7:8, Prov 8:17)
God is not to be found by those who seek him (Prov 1:28)

God is warlike (Ex 15:3, Is 51:15)
God is peaceful Rom (15:33, 1 Cor 14:33)

God is cruel, unmerciful, destructive, and ferocious (Jer 13:14, Deut 7:16, 1 Sam 15:2,3, 1 Sam 6:19)
God is kind, merciful, and good (James 5:11, Lam 3:33, 1 Chron 16:34, Ezek 18:32, Ps 145:9,1 Tim 2:4, 1 John 4:16, Ps 25:8)

God's anger is fierce and endures long (Num 32:13, Num 25:4, Jer 17:4)
God's anger is slow and endures but for a minute (Ps 103:8, Ps 30:5)

God commands, approves of, and delights in burnt offerings, sacrifices and holy days (Ex 29:36, Lev 23:27, Ex 29:18, Lev 1:9)
God disapproves of and has no pleasure in burnt offerings, sacrifices and holy days (Jer 7:22, Jer 6:20, Ps 50:13,4, Is 1:13,11,12)

God accepts human sacrifices (2 Sam 21:8,9,14, Gen 22:2, Judg 11:30-32,34,38,39)
God forbids human sacrifice (Deut 12:30,31)

God tempts men (Gen 22:1, 2 Sam 24:1, Jer 20:7, Matt 6:13)
God tempts no man (James 1:13)

God cannot lie (Heb 6:18)
God lies by proxy; he sends forth lying spirits to deceive (2 Thes 2:11, 1 Kings 22:23, Ezek 14:9)

Because of man's wickedness God destroys him (Gen 6:5,7)
Because of man's wickedness God will not destroy him (Gen 8:21)

God's attributes are revealed in his works (Rom 1:20)
God's attributes cannot be discovered (Job 11:7, Is 40:28)

There is but one God (Deut 6:4)
There is a plurality of gods (Gen 1:26, Gen 3:22, Gen 18:1-3, 1 John 5:7)

Robbery commanded (Ex 3:21,22, Ex 12:35,36)
Robbery forbidden (Lev 19:13, Ex 20:15)

Lying approved and sanctioned (Josh 2:4-6, James 2:25, Ex 1:18-20, 1 Kings 22:21,22)
Lying forbidden (Ex 20:16, Prov 12:22, Rev 21:8)

Hatred to the Edomite sanctioned (2 Kings 14:7,3)
Hatred to the Edomite forbidden (Deut 23:7)

Killing commanded (Ex 32:27)
Killing forbidden (Ex 20:13)

The blood-shedder must die (Gen 9:5,6)
The blood-shedder must not die (Gen 4:15)

The making of images forbidden (Ex 20:4)
The making of images commanded (Ex 25:18,20)

Slavery and oppression ordained (Gen 9:25, Lev 25:45,46, Joel 3:8)
Slavery and oppression forbidden (Is 58:6, Ex 22:21, Ex 21:16, Matt 23:10)

Improvidence enjoyed (Matt 6:28,31,34, Luke 6:30,35, Luke 12:3)
Improvidence condemned (1 Tim 5:8, Prov 13:22)

Anger approved (Eph 4:26)
Anger disapproved (Eccl 7:9, Prov 22:24, James 1:20)

Good works to be seen of men (Matt 5:16)
Good works not to be seen of men (Matt 6:1)

Judging of others forbidden (Matt 7:1,2)
Judging of others approved (1 Cor 6:2-4, 1 Cor 5:12)

Christ taught non-resistance (Matt 5:39, Matt 26:52)
Christ taught and practiced physical resistance (Luke 22:36, John 2:15)

Christ warned his followers not to fear being killed (Luke 12:4)
Christ himself avoided the Jews for fear of being killed (John 7:1)

Public prayer sanctioned (1 Kings 8:22,54, 9:3)
Public prayer disapproved (Matt 6:5,6)

Importunity in prayer commended (Luke 18:5,7)
Importunity in prayer condemned (Matt 6:7,8)

The wearing of long hair by men sanctioned (Judg 13:5, Num 6:5)
The wearing of long hair by men condemned (1 Cor 11:14)

Circumcision instituted (Gen 17:10)
Circumcision condemned (Gal 5:2)

The Sabbath instituted (Ex 20:8)
The Sabbath repudiated (Is 1:13, Rom 14:5, Col 2:16)

The Sabbath instituted because God rested on the seventh day (Ex 20:11
The Sabbath instituted because God brought the Israelites out of Egypt (Deut 5:15)

No work to be done on the Sabbath under penalty of death (Ex 31:15, Num 15:32,36)
Jesus Christ broke the Sabbath and justified his disciples inthe same (John 5:16, Matt 12:1-3,5)

Baptism commanded (Matt 28:19)
Baptism not commanded (1 Cor 1:17,14)

Every kind of animal allowed for food (Gen 9:3, 1 Cor 10:25, Rom 14:14)
Certain kinds of animals prohibited for food (Deut 14:7,8)

Taking of oaths sanctioned (Num 30:2, Gen 21:23-24,31, Gen 31:53, Heb 6:13)
Taking of oaths forbidden (Matt 5:34)

Marriage approved (Gen 2:18, Gen 1:28, Matt 19:5, Heb 13:4)
Marriage disapproved (1 Cor 7:1, 1 Cor 7:7,8)

Freedom of divorce permitted (Deut 24:1, Deut 21:10,11,14)
Divorce restricted (Matt 5:32)

Adultery forbidden (Ex 20:14, Heb 13:4)
Adultery allowed (Num 31:18, Hos 1:2; 2:1-3)

Marriage or cohabitation with a sister denounced (Deut 27:22, Lev 20:17)
Abraham married his sister and God blessed the union (Gen 20:11,12, Gen 17:16)

A man may marry his brother's widow (Deut 25:5
A man may not marry his brother's widow (Lev 20:21)

Hatred to kindred enjoined (Luke 14:26)
Hatred to kindred condemned (Eph 6:2, Eph 5:25,29)

Intoxicating beverages recommended (Prov 31:6,7, 1 Tim 5:23, Ps 104:15)
Intoxicating beverages discountenanced (Prov 20:1, Prov 23:31,32)

It is our duty to obey our rulers, who are God's ministers and punish evil doers only (Rom 13:1-3,6)
It is not our duty to obey rulers, who sometimes punish the good and receive unto themselves damnation therefor (Ex 1:17,20, Dan 3:16,18, Dan 6:9,7,10, Acts 4:26,27,Mark 12:38,39,40, Luke 23:11,24,33,35)

Women's rights denied (Gen 3:16, 1 Tim 2:12, 1 Cor 14:34, 1 Pet 3:6)
Women's rights affirmed (Judg 4:4,14,15, Judg 5:7, Acts 2:18, Acts 21:9)

Obedience to masters enjoined (Col 3:22,23, 1 Pet 2:18)
Obedience due to God only (Matt 4:10, 1 Cor 7:23, Matt 23:10)

There is an unpardonable sin (Mark 3:29)
There is not unpardonable sin (Acts 13:39)

Man was created after the other animals (Gen 1:25,26,27)
Man was created before the other animals (Gen 2:18,19)

Seed time and harvest were never to cease (Gen 8:22)
Seed time and harvest did cease for seven years (Gen 41:54,56, Gen 45:6)

God hardened Pharaoh's heart (Ex 4:21, Ed 9:12)
Pharaoh hardened his own heart (Ex 8:15)

All the cattle and horses in Egypt died (Ex 9:3,6, 14:9)
All the horses of Egypt did not die (Ex 14:9)

Moses feared Pharaoh (Ex 2:14,15,23; 4:19)
Moses did not fear Pharaoh (Heb 11:27)

There died of the plague twenty-four thousand
There died of the plague but twenty-three thousand (1 Cor 10:8)

John the Baptist was Elias (Matt 11:14
John the Baptist was not Elias (John 1:21)

The father of Joseph, Mary's husband was Jacob (Matt 1:16)
The father of Mary's husband was Heli (Luke 3:23)

The father of Salah was Arphaxad (Gen 11:12)
The father of Salah was Cainan (Luke 3:35,36)

There were fourteen generations from Abraham to David (Matt 1:17)
There were but thirteen generations from Abraham to David (Matt 1:2-6)

There were fourteen generations from the Babylonian captivity to Christ (Matt 1:17)
There were but thirteen generations from the Babyloniancaptivity to Christ (Matt 1:12-16)

The infant Christ was taken into Egypt (Matt 2:14,15,19,21,23)
The infant Christ was not taken into Egypt (Luke 2:22, 39)

Christ was tempted in the wilderness (Mark 1:12,13)
Christ was not tempted in the wilderness (John 2:1,2)

Christ preached his first sermon on the mount (Matt 5:1,2)
Christ preached his first sermon on the plain (Luke 6:17,20)

John was in prison when Jesus went into Galilee (Mark 1:14)
John was not in prison when Jesus went into Galilee (John 1:43, John 3:22-24)

Christ's disciples were commanded to go forth with a staff and sandals (Mark 6:8,9)
Christ's disciples were commanded to go forth with neither staffs nor sandals (Matt 10:9,10)

A woman of Canaan besought Jesus (Matt 15:22)
It was a Greek woman who besought Him (Mark 7:26)

Two blind men besought Jesus (Matt 20:30)
Only one blind man besought Him (Luke 18:35,38)

Christ was crucified at the third hour (Mark 15:25)
Christ was not crucified until the sixth hour (John 19:14,15)

The two thieves reviled Christ (Matt 27:44, Mark 15:32)
Only one of the thieves reviled Christ (Luke 23:39,40)

Satan entered into Judas while at supper (John 13:27)
Satan entered into him before the supper (Luke 22:3,4,7)

Judas committed suicide by hanging (Matt 27:5)
Judas did not hang himself, but died another way (Acts 1:18)

The potter's field was purchased by Judas (Acts 1:18)
The potter's field was purchased by the Chief Priests (Matt 27:6,7)

There was but one woman who came to the sepulchre (John 20:1)
There were two women who came to the sepulchre (Matt 28:1)


Now, you may say that its easier to accept these contradictions so long as you don't take the Bible literally, but that leaves room for re-interpretation and relativism: Anyone can make the Bible mean anything since it can have infinite levels of interpretation. Holy books are the only type of longform literature that number every sentence and reference themselves as a primary source. So who cares what the whole thing says, simply cherry-pick passages like fridge magnet poetry to mold into your personal beliefs. You can also add an extra level of obfuscation by turning the letters into numbers, finding codes and patterns that can be further developed into hidden messages (I don't recommend doing that, though - it has a tendency to produce some turgid fiction).

Unfortunately, if you're a true believer, there is no way to read the Bible other than literally. If you can't accept the literal message of God, then what kind of God is that?
 
2012-11-27 03:58:27 PM

Lunaville: Keep Leviticus for this:
10 ... I am the Lord your God.
...
12 "'Do not swear falsely by my name and so profane the name of your God. I am the Lord.
...
14 "'Do not curse the deaf or put a stumbling block in front of the blind, but fear your God. I am the Lord.
...
16 ... I am the Lord.
...
18 ... I am the Lord.


He sounds a bit insecure doesn't he? Or, does he just think we've got really short attention spans, so he has to keep reminding us who the fark he is?
 
2012-11-27 04:14:54 PM

RobSeace: Lunaville: Keep Leviticus for this:
10 ... I am the Lord your God.
...
12 "'Do not swear falsely by my name and so profane the name of your God. I am the Lord.
...
14 "'Do not curse the deaf or put a stumbling block in front of the blind, but fear your God. I am the Lord.
...
16 ... I am the Lord.
...
18 ... I am the Lord.

He sounds a bit insecure doesn't he? Or, does he just think we've got really short attention spans, so he has to keep reminding us who the fark he is?


I always assumed some of that was for poetic effect, but I only read English. Maybe it does appear like that in the original text?
 
2012-11-27 05:25:14 PM
Why do lesbian bloggers hate God?
 
2012-11-27 05:40:04 PM

Lunaville: RobSeace: Lunaville: Keep Leviticus for this:
10 ... I am the Lord your God.
...
12 "'Do not swear falsely by my name and so profane the name of your God. I am the Lord.
...
14 "'Do not curse the deaf or put a stumbling block in front of the blind, but fear your God. I am the Lord.
...
16 ... I am the Lord.
...
18 ... I am the Lord.

He sounds a bit insecure doesn't he? Or, does he just think we've got really short attention spans, so he has to keep reminding us who the fark he is?

I always assumed some of that was for poetic effect, but I only read English. Maybe it does appear like that in the original text?


If you imagine the dude first trying to sell his tribe on these rules it makes sense to keep reminding them, these are not the rules he just pulled out of his ass, but things god wants them to do.
 
2012-11-27 09:08:58 PM

kgf: So, the Bible being the literal word of God is a crock of shiat? Hold the presses!!

/yawn


Worked with a guy who was a lay minister; surprisingly for someone in his position he had a belief that the Bible is 95% allegory.
 
2012-11-27 09:31:14 PM

Gleeman: kgf: So, the Bible being the literal word of God is a crock of shiat? Hold the presses!!

/yawn

Worked with a guy who was a lay minister; surprisingly for someone in his position he had a belief that the Bible is 95% allegory.


Anyone who will lay a minister probably isn't too pious.
 
2012-11-27 10:46:55 PM

Gleeman: kgf: So, the Bible being the literal word of God is a crock of shiat? Hold the presses!!

/yawn

Worked with a guy who was a lay minister; surprisingly for someone in his position he had a belief that the Bible is 95% allegory.


Having both studied and worked in theological colleges, I am not surprised in the slightest. Really, unless you are talking lay-preacher for some fundy nutjob handwaver church you will probably find most lay preachers have the gig because of a belief in the philosophy of "don't be a dick" (or however Jesus phrased it). Plus, as a lay-preacher their pay packet isn't contingent on them continuing to pretend to believe exactly what the unwashed in the pew want them to believe, so they have the opportunity to actually think about things.

God = same: yesterday, today, tomorrow (a statement even the most militant atheist will concede)
Jesus = God
Jesus spoke in parables (allegory)
therefore God speaks in allegory

(the 5% which is not allegorical is the 5% which states don't be a dick)
 
2012-11-28 08:05:05 AM

ADHD Librarian: Gleeman: kgf: So, the Bible being the literal word of God is a crock of shiat? Hold the presses!!

/yawn

Worked with a guy who was a lay minister; surprisingly for someone in his position he had a belief that the Bible is 95% allegory.

Having both studied and worked in theological colleges, I am not surprised in the slightest. Really, unless you are talking lay-preacher for some fundy nutjob handwaver church you will probably find most lay preachers have the gig because of a belief in the philosophy of "don't be a dick" (or however Jesus phrased it). Plus, as a lay-preacher their pay packet isn't contingent on them continuing to pretend to believe exactly what the unwashed in the pew want them to believe, so they have the opportunity to actually think about things.


I'm reminded of Father Dougal from the show "Father Ted": It's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted!
 
2012-11-28 10:07:01 PM

RobSeace: ADHD Librarian: Gleeman: kgf: So, the Bible being the literal word of God is a crock of shiat? Hold the presses!!

/yawn

Worked with a guy who was a lay minister; surprisingly for someone in his position he had a belief that the Bible is 95% allegory.

Having both studied and worked in theological colleges, I am not surprised in the slightest. Really, unless you are talking lay-preacher for some fundy nutjob handwaver church you will probably find most lay preachers have the gig because of a belief in the philosophy of "don't be a dick" (or however Jesus phrased it). Plus, as a lay-preacher their pay packet isn't contingent on them continuing to pretend to believe exactly what the unwashed in the pew want them to believe, so they have the opportunity to actually think about things.

I'm reminded of Father Dougal from the show "Father Ted": It's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted!


"That's nearly as mad as that thing you told me about the loaves and the fishes."
 
2012-11-29 06:22:45 AM

ADHD Librarian: "That's nearly as mad as that thing you told me about the loaves and the fishes."


"So, if God has existed forever...you know, what did he do in his spare time, like, before he made the Earth and everything?"
 
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