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(CBS Sacramento)   What do a Smith & Wesson .38 revolver and a pumpkin have in common in Stockton, California? Using either one can get you a charge of assault with a deadly weapon   (sacramento.cbslocal.com) divider line 48
    More: Scary, Stockton, deadly weapon, Infraction  
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3546 clicks; posted to Main » on 25 Nov 2012 at 2:25 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



48 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Archived thread
 
2012-11-24 11:02:36 PM
upload.wikimedia.org

media.comicvine.com


Round up the usual suspects.
 
2012-11-24 11:08:21 PM
Squashed!
 
2012-11-24 11:22:54 PM
Pumpkins could be pretty lethal

jschumacher.typepad.com
 
2012-11-25 01:00:15 AM
Death by pumpkin?
That would be messy with all of the seeds. But as long as you didn't mix any blood into the seeds you could probably still roast them and eat them later.
 
2012-11-25 02:31:06 AM
I would just like to say how much I hate web pages that let you read a sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place, then lets you read an other sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place, then lets you read an other sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place....
 
2012-11-25 02:32:46 AM
Nothing. Can I shoot subby in the face with a tree eighty?
 
2012-11-25 02:33:04 AM

log_jammin: I would just like to say how much I hate web pages that let you read a sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place, then lets you read an other sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place, then lets you read an other sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place....


Get Adblock.
 
2012-11-25 02:36:05 AM
I can easily see a whole (un-carved, not a jack-o-lantern) pumpkin doing some serious damage.
 
2012-11-25 02:38:53 AM
did they fill out patient forms? it sounds industrious.
 
2012-11-25 02:42:35 AM

fusillade762: I can easily see a whole (un-carved, not a jack-o-lantern) pumpkin doing some serious damage.


Thrown out of a car going 40 mph, yeah, that seems like a bad idea.
 
2012-11-25 02:43:43 AM

Awesome T-Shirt: log_jammin: I would just like to say how much I hate web pages that let you read a sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place, then lets you read an other sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place, then lets you read an other sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place....

Get Adblock.


No, it's a story about Stockton. It's dodging.
 
2012-11-25 02:52:40 AM
You better go out and buy all the pumpkins you can find before Obama bans them.
 
2012-11-25 02:52:45 AM

Amos Quito: [upload.wikimedia.org image 250x320]

[media.comicvine.com image 502x600]


Round up the usual suspects.


Done in one.
 
2012-11-25 02:52:54 AM

Fista-Phobia: Nothing. Can I shoot subby in the face with a tree eighty?


tree eighty it is. i take you to a wallmart i know, get hole box of whammo for tree fiddy.
 
2012-11-25 02:56:01 AM
A year or two after 9/11, one of the parties involved in a road rage incident threw a plastic drink container through an open window of the other car.
I forget the exact wording of the charges, but it was something along the lines of 'invoking a terrorist threat' because they 'launched a projectile'.

/at first I lol'd, but then I had a sad.
 
2012-11-25 03:01:25 AM
How terrible, a drive-by fruiting. :(

/only in Stockton
//we grow both food and crazy out here
 
2012-11-25 03:01:30 AM
the 51-year-old woman took a Thanksgiving stroll on Wilson Way near Roosevelt Street

There's your problem right there. If you must travel on Wilson Way, it should be at a high rate of speed in a heavily armored German vehicle.
 
2012-11-25 03:12:37 AM
who throws pumpkins ? Honestly?
/eyes the green goblin
/runs like hell.
 
2012-11-25 03:14:10 AM
I'd be surprised if it didn't happen in Stockton.

/lives in Rio Vista
//I can feel the crazy from here
 
2012-11-25 03:14:44 AM

L33t Squirrel: How terrible, a drive-by fruiting. :(


at least they didn't have a pointed stick.
 
2012-11-25 03:16:14 AM
What are two things that have never been in my kitchen?
 
2012-11-25 03:21:43 AM
I threw up a gang sign at a young gentlemen with a lovely face tattoo as he walked along Wilson...while driving in my gay blue Prius.

/I heard that you were gangsta. I am pretty gangsta myself.
 
2012-11-25 03:27:13 AM
Must have been one of those smart pumpkins.
 
2012-11-25 03:31:25 AM
Yeah, so, reading the first line and...

On one side:
cbssacramento.files.wordpress.com

And cheerleaders in the right. Site won't let me post, easily.
 
2012-11-25 03:34:45 AM
I thought snooki lived in Jersey



Did the victim almost die from smoosh smoosh?
 
2012-11-25 04:20:24 AM
I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .38 Revolver, the oldest handgun in the world, and would maybe blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, pumpkin?
 
2012-11-25 04:25:56 AM
Thank god it wasn't a banana.
 
2012-11-25 04:26:01 AM
Hey, hey, hey, I had friends on that death star....

www.fantasypumpkins.com
 
2012-11-25 04:29:52 AM

Homegrown: I threw up a gang sign at a young gentlemen with a lovely face tattoo as he walked along Wilson...while driving in my gay blue Prius.

/I heard that you were gangsta. I am pretty gangsta myself.


Don't eat that shiat to begin with.
 
2012-11-25 04:33:38 AM

Notabunny: Awesome T-Shirt: log_jammin: I would just like to say how much I hate web pages that let you read a sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place, then lets you read an other sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place, then lets you read an other sentence, then the screen shifts up and down while it loads more ads, making you lose you place....

Get Adblock.

No, it's a story about Stockton. It's dodging.


As a Stockton native, I can say this is damn funny, and painfully accurate. There used to be a slogan painted on the water tower as you drove into town:
"Stockton is Great! Take a look!" We always wanted to paint an addendum to that:
"And duck"
 
2012-11-25 04:38:07 AM
Yay! Stockton, California! A complete and utter shiathole. Glad I moved the hell out of there.
 
2012-11-25 04:40:16 AM

L33t Squirrel: How terrible, a drive-by fruiting. :(

/only in Stockton
//we grow both food and crazy out here


It's the heat and chemical fertilizer. At least you don't have the slaughterhouse and the sugar beet plant like Tracy does.
 
2012-11-25 05:01:12 AM

Britney Spear's Speculum: Hey, hey, hey, I had friends on that death star....

[www.fantasypumpkins.com image 600x555]


That's no Pumpkin...
 
2012-11-25 05:14:53 AM

L33t Squirrel: How terrible, a drive-by fruiting. :(

/only in Stockton
//we grow both food and crazy out here


This drive-by gourding scourge has to be smashed immediately.

4.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-11-25 07:48:11 AM
use one of these instead

media1.keepbusy.net
 
2012-11-25 07:53:58 AM

GGracie: Death by pumpkin?
That would be messy with all of the seeds. But as long as you didn't mix any blood into the seeds you could probably still roast them and eat them later.


the dead person or the seeds?

/This is important
 
2012-11-25 07:55:36 AM

Britney Spear's Speculum: Hey, hey, hey, I had friends on that death star....

[www.fantasypumpkins.com image 600x555]


not enough turbo lasers....

TURBO
TURBO
TURBO
 
2012-11-25 08:10:23 AM
Wow. I definitely can see how they could be charged with assault with a deadly weapon for this. I think there needs to be a chart to let us know at what speeds different kinds of fruits and vegetables cross the threshold from simple assault to assault with a deadly weapon.

Fruits / Vegetables / Tubers= assault with a deadly weapon at listed speeds:
Standing still:
Watermelon, frozen
County Fair Pumpkin, giant
Banana, wielded by self-defense trainee

2MPH:
Durian

10 MPH:
Canteloupe
Honeydew
Watermelon
Pineapple
Pumpkin, head-sized or bigger

20 MPH:
The cute little baby pineapples they sell now
Personal sized watermelons
Grapefruit, sack of
Oranges, sack of
Sweet Potato
Baking potato
New potatoes, sack of
Winter melon


30 MPH:
Richard Simmons

40 MPH:
Clementines, sack of
Cucumber (may also be filed under rape / attempted rape)
Limes, sack of
Lemons, sack of
Turnip, bigger than Baldrick's head

50 MPH:
Eggplant / aubergine
Key Limes, sack of

60 MPH:
Zucchini
Chayote

80 MPH:
Grapefruit
Pears
Apples
Daikon
Black-eyed peas, sack
Dragonfruit
Avocado, unripened
Butternut squash
Cabbage

100 MPH:
Lettuce, iceberg, head of
Artichokes
Oranges
Avocado, ripe
Mangoes
Cauiflower
Beets
Heirloom tomatoes, large
Peaches
Nectarines
Onion

130 MPH:
Elephant garlic, bulb
Broccoli
Bok choy
Carrot, top attached / thinned to provide stability to cause "dart effect"
Grapes, non-seedless, bunch

150:
Star fruits
Carrots
Meyer Lemons
Tangerines
Grapes, seedless, bunch

175 MPH:
Kiwis
Limes
Tomatoes

200 MPH:
Garlic, bulb
Plums
Dates
Loquats

250 MPH:
Apricots
Figs
Lychee

300 MPH:
Elephant garlic, clove
Strawberries
Elderberries
Prunes

400 MPH:
Habanero peppers
Jalapeno peppers
Serrano peppers

Mach 1:
Bing Cherries
Huckleberries
Blackberries

Mach 2:
Blueberries
Jumping bean

Speed of light:
Green pea, single

No limit set:
*Ugli fruits.
†Kumquats

*I encourage the use of the ugli in dispute resolution.
†I encourage the use of Kumquats in drive-by fruitings, mainly because I've always wanted to read about one on Fark. I think the comments section on that event would be sublime.
 
2012-11-25 08:14:30 AM
 
2012-11-25 08:27:55 AM
Years ago, my dad was in the hospital all busted up because some asshat threw a pumpkin off a bridge and it went through the windshield of my dad's truck.

Pretty scary time for the family. He survived ok, but still has the scars.

Some people simply need eliminated from the gene pool.
 
2012-11-25 08:49:27 AM
imagine my (total lack of) surprise when i see wilson wy in the story
 
2012-11-25 08:51:24 AM

Fista-Phobia: Nothing. Can I shoot subby in the face with a tree eighty?


no. you need about tree-fiddy
 
2012-11-25 09:40:56 AM
When you add the speed of the car to a thrown pumpkin, it can do some serious damage. From a standing position, an average person can probably heave a 20 pound pumpkin about 20 feet at 10-15 mph. How much more damage will the same pumpkin do at 40 mph? (physics challenge! please show your work.)
 
2012-11-25 10:02:21 AM
Police suspect that it was a deliberate attempt on the woman's life and have placed an officer on 24 hour gourd duty outside her hospital room.
 
2012-11-25 10:29:28 AM

NutWrench: When you add the speed of the car to a thrown pumpkin, it can do some serious damage. From a standing position, an average person can probably heave a 20 pound pumpkin about 20 feet at 10-15 mph. How much more damage will the same pumpkin do at 40 mph? (physics challenge! please show your work.)


Yup. Every fall in my home town, the high school kids would raid the local pumpkin fields and go out mailbox bombing. Load up the back of a pickup with pumpkins and see who could toss one out at 35-40 mph and hit a mailbox (mailboxes at side of the road, not on the houses... obviously).

You could tell the folks who had become victims more than once. They built brick or solid metal structures around their boxes.

Yes, we had little to keep us entertained in rural/suburbia.

/ CSB
 
2012-11-26 01:09:02 AM
Hate, HATE articles that are actually transcribed puff pieces from local news... They read even worse than they sound on the tube.
 
2012-11-26 04:07:48 AM
A .38? Well, isn't that... special ?
 
2012-11-26 12:51:19 PM
I lived in Stockton for 12 years. Don't plan on moving back there.

It's terrible that this happened to that woman but unsurprising that it happened on Wilson Way. That street is very well-known for having women walking along it and attracting attention from men in cars, if you catch my drift. Wink wink, nudge nudge.
 
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