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(Foobies)   Police call body found shot in the head, tied up in a sack, and floating in a river, a "complex suicide"   (thelocal.de) divider line 46
    More: Fail, police calls, Mafia, EU summit, zip ties, Freudian, refugee camps, suicides, German School of Guayaquil  
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6987 clicks; posted to Main » on 23 Nov 2012 at 1:02 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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vpb [TotalFark]
2012-11-23 09:48:57 AM  
Maybe he just stole more rocks than he could swim with?
 
2012-11-23 12:27:40 PM  
Lotta ins, lotta outs. Fortunately they're adhering to a very strict drug regimen to keep their minds, you know, limber.
 
DAR [TotalFark]
2012-11-23 12:56:00 PM  
That's Some Damn Fine Police Work, Lou........k/dar
 
2012-11-23 01:04:46 PM  
Obviously a brilliant strategy to save some paperwork and make the solved crimes numbers look good.
 
2012-11-23 01:07:46 PM  
Apparently the guy really had it in for himself.
 
2012-11-23 01:08:23 PM  
He must have been trying to one-up the socialite who "hung" herself in the middle of that divorce procedure in San Diego. (I think?)
 
2012-11-23 01:10:55 PM  
1.bp.blogspot.com

Amused.
 
2012-11-23 01:12:23 PM  
i.imgur.com

What can I say? The guy locked himself in the trunk and shot himself 12 times.
 
2012-11-23 01:16:24 PM  
Maybe he pissed off Hillary Clinton
 
2012-11-23 01:18:00 PM  
The body of 43-year-old Uwe Sattler was found in the River Elbe in July by a fisherman. He was wearing a rucksack full of rocks and had been shot in the head and put into a sack fastened with cable ties before he hit the water.

"We are 99.999 percent certain it was suicide," a Hamburg police spokeswoman told The Local.

"There is no other explanation; no other motive and no other evidence."


You're farking kidding me, right? RIGHT?
 
2012-11-23 01:18:24 PM  
"We are 99.999 percent certain it was suicide cutting to our snack time," a Hamburg police spokeswoman told The Local.
 
2012-11-23 01:20:19 PM  
His friends just call him bob.
 
2012-11-23 01:21:36 PM  
farm2.staticflickr.com

VEE DO NAHT HAVE A CRIME PROBLEM, ZIS IS MERELY A VERY COMPLEX SUICIDE. I WILL HEAR NO FURTHER ACCUZATIONS ABOUT ZE GERMAN PEOPLE! NUSSING BAD EVER HAPPENED!
 
2012-11-23 01:24:47 PM  
The only thing I see that doesn't add up here is that the gun was never found. Tie yourself up in a sack with a gun, stand on the edge of a bridge with your back facing out, and shoot yourself in the head: that'll produce almost this exact scenario, and it's not too difficult to accomplish. But there's a catch: when they find the sack with you in it, they'll find the gun in the sack.

That's what ultimately leads me to think that this cannot be entirely the guy's own doing. I can see one other scenario where it's suicide: the guy shoots himself in the head, then someone else comes across the body, panics, puts it in a sack, and throws it in the river. But even in this case, an investigation is still needed: who found the body?
 
2012-11-23 01:24:54 PM  
FTA: " "It just goes to show, there is nothing that does not exist," the police spokeswoman said."

Now there's a quotable quote.
 
2012-11-23 01:29:03 PM  
Pity it wasn't Uwe Boll.

Also, are the police really that farking stupid?
 
2012-11-23 01:29:11 PM  
The last sentence:"The investigation has been put on ice, but the case remains open."

HAHAHAHA! Awesome. even the author couldn't resist a joke.
 
2012-11-23 01:29:20 PM  
And people wonder why we look down on the police.
 
2012-11-23 01:30:48 PM  
where is the gun? Without it, you can't call this a suicide
 
2012-11-23 01:33:30 PM  

ltdanman44: where is the gun? Without it, you can't call this a suicide


s9.postimage.org
 
2012-11-23 01:38:48 PM  
...the Aristocrats?
 
2012-11-23 01:40:36 PM  
Well...that explains why Germany has such a "low" murder rate.

Keep this story in mind the next time, of many previous times, someone uses that country as an argument against the US re:violence.
 
2012-11-23 01:43:41 PM  
"It's 99.999 percent certain that the victim carefully reached out of the tied bag full of rocks hovering over the water and shot himself in the head so the gun fell beside the bag..."

"...but instead of staying behind, the gun vanished"

Well, to me the obvious murder suspect would be whoever it was who tried to pass this off as suicide.
 
2012-11-23 01:48:35 PM  

Pardon Me Sultan: "It's 99.999 percent certain that the victim carefully reached out of the tied bag full of rocks hovering over the water and shot himself in the head so the gun fell beside the bag..."

"...but instead of staying behind, the gun vanished"

Well, to me the obvious murder suspect would be whoever it was who tried to pass this off as suicide.



The cops did it.
 
2012-11-23 01:49:43 PM  

SDRR: The body of 43-year-old Uwe Sattler was found in the River Elbe in July by a fisherman. He was wearing a rucksack full of rocks and had been shot in the head and put into a sack fastened with cable ties before he hit the water.

"We are 99.999 percent certain it was suicide," a Hamburg police spokeswoman told The Local.

"There is no other explanation; no other motive and no other evidence."

You're farking kidding me, right? RIGHT?


1: Find incline in landscape leading to water in undisturbed location.
2: Fill rucksack with rucks, climb inside bag, kneel down, tie bag from the inside, shoot self in head, roll down incline, disappear in water.
3: ...
4: Commit the cleanest possible suicide and avoid leaving grim discovery and/or nasty clean up job for others

Addendum 1.a: IMPORTANT Check gun and ammunition before 2.


What? No of course I haven't read the article.
 
2012-11-23 01:58:16 PM  

Millennium: The only thing I see that doesn't add up here is that the gun was never found. Tie yourself up in a sack with a gun, stand on the edge of a bridge with your back facing out, and shoot yourself in the head: that'll produce almost this exact scenario, and it's not too difficult to accomplish. But there's a catch: when they find the sack with you in it, they'll find the gun in the sack.

That's what ultimately leads me to think that this cannot be entirely the guy's own doing. I can see one other scenario where it's suicide: the guy shoots himself in the head, then someone else comes across the body, panics, puts it in a sack, and throws it in the river. But even in this case, an investigation is still needed: who found the body?


That was covered in the story. They claim he stuck his arm through the bag opening as it was big enough. Fire the gun and it falls to the water.

That of course still leaves the catch of his arm not being outside the bag when found.
 
2012-11-23 02:01:42 PM  
images.contactmusic.com
Are they sure he didn't fall down an elevator shaft onto some bullets as well?
 
2012-11-23 02:07:01 PM  
It doesn't sound like they saved any time by ruling it a suicide. They still searched for the gun and tried to track down anyone who knew him.

Also, he had left what amounted to a suicide note in his apartment (instructions to what should be done with his belongings).
 
2012-11-23 02:08:25 PM  

Amos Quito: FTA: " "It just goes to show, there is nothing that does not exist," the police spokeswoman said."

Now there's a quotable quote.


Maybe it sounds better in German. Oh, who am I kidding, everything sounds better in German!
Fröhliche Erntedankfest, y'all! Enjoy your Truthahn in joy and good health, surrounded by loved ones or family, whichever applies.
 
2012-11-23 02:14:31 PM  
Dinsdale?
 
2012-11-23 02:27:18 PM  
Clearly, this was an assisted suicide.
 
2012-11-23 02:28:33 PM  
Reminds me of some comedian years ago who was reading newspaper clippings, and one was a suicide where a guy shot himself 7 times with a single shot bolt action rifle!
 
2012-11-23 02:33:47 PM  
Mock26: Reminds me of some comedian years ago who was reading newspaper clippings, and one was a suicide where a guy shot himself 7 times with a single shot bolt action rifle!

Back and to the left, back and to the left
 
2012-11-23 02:34:04 PM  
Today, I'm going to work on drawing up a suicide plan so complex and far-reaching that entire governments will be wrongly implicated. How did my head end up in the diplomatic pouch at the U.S. Interests section of the Swiss embassy in Havana? Why was the bullet in my torso an exact ballistic match for the gun that killed President Garfield? Just who was it that built the plywood forms and poured the concrete blocks that contained each of my hands, and then arranged for them to be formally entered into evidence in the ongoing trial of a high-profile mafia don? And why do the mysterious radioactive isotopes that emanate faintly from my various body parts match no known spectrographic profile?

I mean, I hope I don't have to use it, but I'd want to have the satisfaction of knowing it was going to fark with everybody's head.
 
2012-11-23 02:47:59 PM  

semiotix: Today, I'm going to work...


I, for one, salute your efforts, even if nobody should publicly advocate, endorse or associate with such a plan/scheme/undertaking.
 
2012-11-23 02:50:00 PM  

Dansker: semiotix: Today, I'm going to work...

I, for one, salute your efforts, even if nobody should publicly advocate, endorse or associate with such a plan/scheme/undertaking.


You fool! You just became the only patsy I need.

(Mods, please delete this post if and when I kick off, so as to implicate Dansker.)
 
2012-11-23 02:52:53 PM  

Amos Quito: FTA: " "It just goes to show, there is nothing that does not exist," the police spokeswoman said."

Now there's a quotable quote.


She is the Donald Rumsfeld of Hamburg's Policewomen.
 
2012-11-23 02:55:53 PM  

semiotix: Dansker: semiotix: Today, I'm going to work...

I, for one, salute your efforts, even if nobody should publicly advocate, endorse or associate with such a plan/scheme/undertaking.

You fool! You just became the only patsy I need.

(Mods, please delete this post if and when I kick off, so as to implicate Dansker.)


Aw, crap, not again!
 
2012-11-23 03:09:16 PM  
He made someone mad at him. Here in Ankh-Morpork, we call that "suicide."

/I never wanted to live in Ankh-Morpork
//sadly, it seems there's nowhere else left to live
 
2012-11-23 03:11:12 PM  
Now that is some maximum trolling if the guy really ofed himself.
 
2012-11-23 03:54:57 PM  
Where is Dirk Gently when you need him?
 
2012-11-23 03:55:38 PM  
Chief Tinkler: What can assume from the fact that he was stabbed, strangled, shot, suffocated, and bludgeoned?
Jodie: That he didn't commit suicide.
Chief Tinkler: We can assume that Peter Campbell either had many killers or he had one killer who really hated his guts.
 
2012-11-23 04:08:39 PM  
So y'know how locations advertise to bring in new business...like tourism or big/rich companies...

So this seems like the Hamburg Police Dept's ad to bring in organized crime and assassination business - "Come to Hamburg...where we value you're bribery. Let us show you some of our cover-up option packages..."
 
2012-11-23 04:59:54 PM  
Anything to get out of doing paper work.
 
2012-11-23 06:35:08 PM  

Millennium: The only thing I see that doesn't add up here is that the gun was never found. Tie yourself up in a sack with a gun, stand on the edge of a bridge with your back facing out, and shoot yourself in the head: that'll produce almost this exact scenario, and it's not too difficult to accomplish. But there's a catch: when they find the sack with you in it, they'll find the gun in the sack.

That's what ultimately leads me to think that this cannot be entirely the guy's own doing. I can see one other scenario where it's suicide: the guy shoots himself in the head, then someone else comes across the body, panics, puts it in a sack, and throws it in the river. But even in this case, an investigation is still needed: who found the body?


But the cops said there was just enough space for him to have reached out to shoot himself. The only issue is where's the gun--but that could be someone found it, Hey, free gun.

Alternately, perhaps he arranged something that tossed the gun into the water afterwards--say, tie the gun to something over the water, use something flammable. Connect a fuse to that, light fuse. After the shot the gun will be hanging, when the fuse burns down the rope fails and drops the gun into the water. The remaining rope burns up, all that's left on land is a burn mark wherever the rope was tied.

He might not even have had his arm outside. I'm thinking of a case from a fictional TV show but it certainly could be done--the guy fired the gun by means of a string. He had previously lit the string so the cops found the gun but the shot was from too far away to be self-inflicted.

spawn73: It doesn't sound like they saved any time by ruling it a suicide. They still searched for the gun and tried to track down anyone who knew him.

Also, he had left what amounted to a suicide note in his apartment (instructions to what should be done with his belongings).


Yeah. Every so often we see these elaborate pretend-suicide-is-a-murder cases. Based on the article I agree with the cops on this.

Mock26: Reminds me of some comedian years ago who was reading newspaper clippings, and one was a suicide where a guy shot himself 7 times with a single shot bolt action rifle!


Long ago I ran into a paramedic who had rolled on such a case. 7 shots to the head. Not only was the guy not dead but he was still in good enough shape that he was the one who called for help because it hurt too much. .22 rifle + alcohol = zero penetrations of the skull.
 
2012-11-24 05:56:08 PM  
Nice to see that the mob keeps the cops there so well paid.
 
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