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(io9)   The time Mormons baptized Adolf Hitler and Vlad the Impaler   (io9.com) divider line 98
    More: Weird, Hitler, Mormons, Mormons baptized, Holocaust victims, Ted Bundy, Joseph Smith, Richard Feynman  
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7791 clicks; posted to Main » on 22 Nov 2012 at 8:26 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-11-22 10:33:02 PM

rockforever: I'm starting a new religion. And baptising everyone on fark by their fark handle.

You're welcome.


Too late. I already spilled a beer on the ground, invoked Odin, named you all as Asatru and now we're all potentially screwed.

/especially teh laydees
//hubba
 
2012-11-22 10:45:05 PM

Aboleth: So, anyway... if I ever get a pet in the house, I think I'll get me an impala. I'll name it Vlad. Vlad the Impala. But we digress. Carry on.


media-cdn.pinterest.com
 
2012-11-22 10:54:26 PM

Badgers: [a0.twimg.com image 500x333]


It's just a shame he had a perfectly square bit of dirt on his autocue there.

www.3click.tv

/MORE DRINK
 
2012-11-22 10:55:49 PM
You can now turn all dead Mormons gay

Sadly, many Mormons throughout history have died without having known the joys of homosexuality. With your help, these poor souls can be saved.

Simply enter the name of your favorite dead Mormon* in the form below and click Convert! Presto, they're gay for eternity. There is no undo.

Don't know any dead Mormons? Click the "Choose-a-Mormon" button and we'll find one for you. You're welcome!

No take-backs.

*Holocaust victims are not eligible for conversion.
 
das
2012-11-22 11:01:49 PM

Matticus: Lionel Mandrake: Matticus: Lionel Mandrake: Currently, Mormons believe baptism is necessary for an individual to exit from "Spirit Prison" - a place akin to purgatory in the Catholic Church. Anyone outside the Mormon faith enters Spirit Prison at the time of their death.

Even Jesus?

I guess they've probably baptized Him by now.

wasn't jesus already baptized?

Not by a Mormon

no, but they recognize his baptism as being valid


Well, that's nice of them.
 
2012-11-22 11:03:02 PM
True atheists and other non religious people (such as the previously mentioned George Carlin) should not care about them.

I'd just roll my eyes the same way as when someone says to an atheist that if they don't worship God that means they worship Satan

/deist
 
2012-11-22 11:05:59 PM

BMFPitt: Krymson Tyde: Matticus: Lionel Mandrake: Currently, Mormons believe baptism is necessary for an individual to exit from "Spirit Prison" - a place akin to purgatory in the Catholic Church. Anyone outside the Mormon faith enters Spirit Prison at the time of their death.

Even Jesus?

I guess they've probably baptized Him by now.

wasn't jesus already baptized?

Sure, but he wasn't Mormon baptized and so was locked out of Heaven.

He must have been pretty annoyed waiting 1800 years for Mormons to come along.


The snark answer us "who cares".

The real answer is that Mormons consider Jesus Christ the true founder of the true church, whose structure and intent were lost or abandoned very quickly after his death. IE: Jesus's baptism was legit, any baptisms by Jesus or his disciples were legit. Mormons consider themselves the literal continuation of Christianity as envisioned and created by Jesus himself. I'll readily admit that most Mormons I have known were pretty educated about Jesus. Far and away moreso than say, your average American baptist fundamentalist types.

Still, unsavory cults are unsavory.
 
2012-11-22 11:09:24 PM
TomD9938: Aboleth: So, anyway... if I ever get a pet in the house, I think I'll get me an impala. I'll name it Vlad. Vlad the Impala. But we digress. Carry on.

[media-cdn.pinterest.com image 384x283]


Atilla the Hyundai.
 
2012-11-22 11:17:31 PM
Why does anyone care about this crap? They can baptize me in absentia for all I care. Who really gives a shiat?
 
2012-11-22 11:20:50 PM
Wasted effort by the Mormon; Hitler was a baptized Catholic.
 
2012-11-22 11:23:06 PM
www.happletea.com

Just gettin' that out of the way, because it makes me laugh every time.
 
2012-11-22 11:28:59 PM
I have actually met more than a few christians who find this mormon baptism of the dead to be offensive. But why is that? If you believe that it actually works then you are obviously practicing the wrong faith. And if you do not believe that it works then who cares what they do?
 
2012-11-22 11:34:20 PM
My Mormon uncle had my grandmother baptized after she died. Her deathbed wish: "Don't baptize me into that church of yours. If I wanted to be a Mormon, I would have been one."
 
2012-11-22 11:37:28 PM
In unrelated news, the Vatican announced that it will be canonizing old, dead famous mormons, just for kicks and to open up souvenir stores in Salt Lake City. Part of the Grand Opening will be a special deal -- posthumous baptism combined with a posthumous doctorate degree from University of Phoenix.
 
2012-11-22 11:45:58 PM

Mock26: I have actually met more than a few christians who find this mormon baptism of the dead to be offensive. But why is that? If you believe that it actually works then you are obviously practicing the wrong faith. And if you do not believe that it works then who cares what they do?


They base their lives on codified, copper-age sky worship. I would just go ahead and assume that logical consistency doesn't play a big role in what they believe.
 
2012-11-22 11:48:35 PM

BitwiseShift: In unrelated news, the Vatican announced that it will be canonizing old, dead famous mormons, just for kicks and to open up souvenir stores in Salt Lake City. Part of the Grand Opening will be a special deal -- posthumous baptism combined with a posthumous doctorate degree from University of Phoenix.


Such a beautiful idea, just beautiful.
Sort of wondering when religions are going to start duking it out in the streets.
 
2012-11-23 12:00:23 AM
It's actually one of the almost nice things about the Mormon faith.

They're willing to do a little work now to save (in their minds) people who never had the chance. But what about all the people who's names were never written down? You could delve into the church records and cemeteries of the old world and get a good chunk of names back to 1000CE, But what about further back? And the other billions of humans who came and died in various parts of the world that left no record of names.

If your religion claims to care about long dead people aren't you being a bunch of dicks in ignoring all those whose names can't be found? Or are you going to brute force the population space of phonemes and hope you strike on names.

/A variant on the Nine Billion Names of God.
 
2012-11-23 12:05:09 AM

StubhyGraham: We already struck back 

Link


I luv u i snorted much my good sir
 
2012-11-23 12:06:22 AM

simplicimus: rockforever: I'm starting a new religion. And baptising everyone on fark by their fark handle.

You're welcome.

Is trolling going to be a sacrament?


Only if posting vague, unfact-checked statements becomes a sacrament too.

So, 1) trollolololo

2) random, vague, unfact-checked statements

3) instead of Boxing Day; We can have Boxxy Day

4) BIE Friday as aposed to Black Friday.
 
2012-11-23 12:15:33 AM

Mock26: I have actually met more than a few christians who find this mormon baptism of the dead to be offensive. But why is that? If you believe that it actually works then you are obviously practicing the wrong faith. And if you do not believe that it works then who cares what they do?


Agreed. I mean, do you know how many people have indecent fantasies involving other people? What doesn't happen in reality doesn't affect you. But just in case, I'm not shaving under my fantasy arms this week. Fantisize that, Farkers. ;)
 
2012-11-23 12:23:39 AM

iheartscotch: simplicimus: rockforever: I'm starting a new religion. And baptising everyone on fark by their fark handle.

You're welcome.

Is trolling going to be a sacrament?

Only if posting vague, unfact-checked statements becomes a sacrament too.

So, 1) trollolololo

2) random, vague, unfact-checked statements

3) instead of Boxing Day; We can have Boxxy Day

4) BIE Friday as aposed to Black Friday.


I'm OK with everything but 3. I don't want to waste Dec. 26 on Boxxy.
 
2012-11-23 12:24:56 AM

Hoopy Frood: My Mormon uncle had my grandmother baptized after she died. Her deathbed wish: "Don't baptize me into that church of yours. If I wanted to be a Mormon, I would have been one."


I would have baptized him back... with PISS.
 
2012-11-23 12:34:55 AM
About 1700 years ago we worked this shiat out. A lot of farking people got murdered and conquered properly under the so we wouldn't have to listen to farking retarded bullshiat like this. So you know what? fark this bullshiat. Why the fark do these nutbags get to be considered a legitimate religion and Rastafarian or acid heads get considered illegitimate? farking elitest right-wing christian hipocracry. All the worst elements of the religious authoritarians who murdered christ and no redeeming features.
I'm not all that religious but at least I don't make a point of taking a big dump all over all thats good and holy just to farking do it.
 
2012-11-23 12:38:05 AM

simplicimus: I'm OK with everything but 3. I don't want to waste Dec. 26 on Boxxy.


25.media.tumblr.com
 
2012-11-23 12:47:15 AM

This About That: So, Hitler and Dracula were in "spirit jail" and the Mormons let them out?


Would the movie be a horror or buddy film?
 
2012-11-23 12:52:59 AM
Kneel before Zod
 
2012-11-23 12:59:37 AM

Mega Steve: This About That: So, Hitler and Dracula were in "spirit jail" and the Mormons let them out?

Would the movie be a horror or buddy film?


More like horror/action by Michael Bay. Hitler brings the tanks, Vlad brings the stakes. How could that fail?

/I would go see that
//and laugh myself silly
 
2012-11-23 01:07:29 AM

Cucullen: legitimate religion


Hmmm...


OK, let's fantasize for a moment about a sudden shower of reality particles from extraterrestrial experimental anthropologists. Quite likely, all mythology, including all of the religions, new- and old-fangled would be seen for what they are. Stories to explain, to comfort, to inspire, to control and to manipulate, from the days before modern reality-based thinking, including science. I will speculate that immediately after the aliens turn off the reality ray, new mythologies will begin to appear, take root in the human psyche, and grow. Why? Because we need them.
 
2012-11-23 01:12:48 AM

Mock26: I have actually met more than a few christians who find this mormon baptism of the dead to be offensive. But why is that? If you believe that it actually works then you are obviously practicing the wrong faith. And if you do not believe that it works then who cares what they do?


Well, to us unbelievers, it's more asinine than anything else.

However, to people of other faiths--especially Jews and Muslims--who have very serious beliefs about how one enters Paradise and what one has to do on Earth to get there, it's incredibly offensive and possibly blasphemous. I suppose it could be that way to other Christians. Nothing strikes at people's fundamental sense of self like challenging their religious belief. So baptizing them into another faith is basically saying "You weren't good enough in your belief to be right with God. But that's okay! We saved you anyway!" I suppose to a true believer, that's the worst kind of insult.
 
2012-11-23 01:29:05 AM

Gyrfalcon: Mock26: I have actually met more than a few christians who find this mormon baptism of the dead to be offensive. But why is that? If you believe that it actually works then you are obviously practicing the wrong faith. And if you do not believe that it works then who cares what they do?

Well, to us unbelievers, it's more asinine than anything else.

However, to people of other faiths--especially Jews and Muslims--who have very serious beliefs about how one enters Paradise and what one has to do on Earth to get there, it's incredibly offensive and possibly blasphemous. I suppose it could be that way to other Christians. Nothing strikes at people's fundamental sense of self like challenging their religious belief. So baptizing them into another faith is basically saying "You weren't good enough in your belief to be right with God. But that's okay! We saved you anyway!" I suppose to a true believer, that's the worst kind of insult.



Compassion for religiotards.is a noble thing, I suppose.
 
2012-11-23 01:42:11 AM
That's cool. I always invite their missionaries in and give them milkshakes (white Russians). Once the caffeine and alcohol (and ketamine) take effect I strap them down and make them watch porn A Clockwork Orange style. Then I get some good pictures of them in compromising positions with a goat and a chicken and tell them they'll only be released if they call in the fuzz. Finally, I tell them my name is Mr. Bevets so if they try to baptise me later they'll just really be pissing into the wind.
 
2012-11-23 01:52:41 AM
They could have had a two-for-one by baptizing Serpentor.
 
2012-11-23 01:53:00 AM

wildcardjack: It's actually one of the almost nice things about the Mormon faith.

They're willing to do a little work now to save (in their minds) people who never had the chance. But what about all the people who's names were never written down? You could delve into the church records and cemeteries of the old world and get a good chunk of names back to 1000CE, But what about further back? And the other billions of humans who came and died in various parts of the world that left no record of names.

If your religion claims to care about long dead people aren't you being a bunch of dicks in ignoring all those whose names can't be found? Or are you going to brute force the population space of phonemes and hope you strike on names.

/A variant on the Nine Billion Names of God.


Those who's names are not known will be taken care of during the Millennium when they are resurrected

The Millennium .
 
2012-11-23 01:54:15 AM
Hitler:Mormon
 
2012-11-23 02:15:47 AM

brantgoose: I'd like to see Hitler's rant when they tell him that he is a post-humous Mormon. Where's that meme when you need it? Or has somebody somebody done this? I'm off to Google!


God damn it, I hate it when people shoot off their mouths without even RTFA. 7th farking paragraph: "The baptism, in the eyes of Mormons, does not make the baptized a Mormon. The act only gives the baptized the option to select Mormonism, if the church's view of the afterlife turns out to be correct. Taking this option into account, many Mormons look at this process as a "quantity over quality" situation, attempting to baptize as many individuals by proxy as possible."
 
2012-11-23 02:19:57 AM

This About That: K, let's fantasize for a moment about a sudden shower of reality particles from extraterrestrial experimental anthropologists.


I like the cut of your jib.

But being prone to fits fits of melancholy rationalism i must bow to the pragmatism of religion as a social control mechanism. Why do these whack-jobs get that power when more traditional drug addled whack-jobs get persecutted. At least the latter has an excuse for their fark-nuttery.
 
2012-11-23 02:24:28 AM
I just finished watching The Book of Mormon so I'm really getting a kick...

/never did receive my steak knives
 
2012-11-23 03:01:00 AM

Aboleth: So, anyway... if I ever get a pet in the house, I think I'll get me an impala. I'll name it Vlad. Vlad the Impala. But we digress. Carry on.


Vlad, Vlad, Vlad the impaler
Vlad, Vlad, He could have been a sailor but he's
Vlad, Vlad, Vlad the impaler
Vlad, Vlad, He could have been a
Whaler could have been a Tailor,
He turned out to be Norman Mailer
Whoaaoo

He stepped back and he smoked a joint
Twenty thousand peasants had to get the point
Mommy was a hamster,
Daddy was a jailer
Real tough childhood for such a farking failure

[chorus]
He's so glad he's Vlad
When he was a boy, they sent him to the Turks
But you know they didn't like him because all the Turks were jerks
When Vlad returned home his wrath for his ancient foe had spurned
But the ancient art of impalement was something that the boy had learned

Oh, how he learned
He learned, they burned and burned and burned
Rotisseries of corpses turned
He's so glad, oh he's so glad he's Vlad
 
2012-11-23 04:17:09 AM

brantgoose: This "Spirit Prison" sounds a lot like the "Iron Prison" of Philip K. Dick's post-psychotic period (as seen in his later novels). Maybe he wasn't in contact with the Roman Catholic Church in Exile or aliens, but with Mormon Jesus.

Ha! Take that Scott Orson Card!

I've got The Exegesis of Philip K. Dick on my Kindle. It is interesting to see him trying to explain his experience (dreams, hallucinations, etc.) while waivering between the Christianity of his deceased friend, Southern California mysticism and (science fictiony) science. The interplay between his work and his real life is interesting in itself, but here is an intelligent man trying to come to grips with religion, mythology, politics, and psychosis. Truly a Man in tune with the Zeitgheist of SoCal in the time of Nixon and Reagan. Crazy, Man, crazy. But not stupid.

People told Dick that the world was turning into the paranoid Gnostic world of his novels. Perhaps this was his greatest fear. Perhaps they were right in some ways.


Perhaps.
 
2012-11-23 04:28:53 AM

Mega Steve: This About That: So, Hitler and Dracula were in "spirit jail" and the Mormons let them out?

Would the movie be a horror or buddy film?


Sounds like the plot of The Howling Man from the Twilight Zone.
 
2012-11-23 05:10:28 AM

Cucullen: Why do these whack-jobs get that power when more traditional drug addled whack-jobs get persecutted.


Because the one is sober, through in thrall to organized manipulators, while the other is helplessly addled.
 
2012-11-23 05:31:33 AM

The_Sponge: They could have had a two-for-one by baptizing Serpentor.


Knowing is half the battle!
 
2012-11-23 07:54:47 AM

StubhyGraham: We already struck back 

Link


That's beautiful man.
 
2012-11-23 09:43:34 AM

Just Another OC Homeless Guy: brantgoose: I'd like to see Hitler's rant when they tell him that he is a post-humous Mormon. Where's that meme when you need it? Or has somebody somebody done this? I'm off to Google!

God damn it, I hate it when people shoot off their mouths without even RTFA. 7th farking paragraph: "The baptism, in the eyes of Mormons, does not make the baptized a Mormon. The act only gives the baptized the option to select Mormonism, if the church's view of the afterlife turns out to be correct. Taking this option into account, many Mormons look at this process as a "quantity over quality" situation, attempting to baptize as many individuals by proxy as possible."


It's not just that. It solves a fundamental problem that's been plagueing the concept of Baptism for 1800 years.

In classical thought (And I'm not going to cite scripture or any particular authority because I don't give a shiat and I have pack of drinks to go buy before ten), there are two philosophical choices.

A) The requirement for Baptism is stringent. It is non-optional for heaven. This option however screws everybody who didn't get baptized. Or y'know. Happened to live anywhere but in Europe for most of history. God says fark it to the rest of the world.

B) The requirement for Baptism is weak. It is optional. However, this places a strain on the form, and especially in regards to scriptural quotation requirements. In addition it tends to pussify the religion. By Pussify, I mean that it becomes excessively relativistic, since one of the main requirements of the religion has become optional. This is not always a good thing.

Baptisms for the dead solve this Quandry by keeping the strict requirement, but allow for post-death options. It is by no means compulsory. There is still free will, in the same form that a baby baptized by a catholic priest can do whatever the fark they want.
 
2012-11-23 09:47:56 AM

phrawgh: The Pope has amended a Vatican pronouncement that the Roman Catholic Church was the "only way to salvation", saying that Heaven is open to all as long as they are good. He said at an audience that "all of the just on Earth, including those who ignore Christ and his Church" were "called upon to build the kingdom of God."

VATICAN CITY, DEC. 6, 2000 (ZENIT.org).- Every person is called to "collaborate" with the coming of the Kingdom of God, John Paul II said, in an urgent appeal for cooperation between believers and nonbelievers. In today's general audience address, the Pope said: "All the righteous on earth, even those who do not know Christ and his Church and who, under the influence of grace, seek God with a sincere heart, are ... called to build the Kingdom of God, cooperating with the Lord who is the first and decisive architect."


And people believe this bollocks?!
 
2012-11-23 10:20:23 AM

BronyMedic: Vlad the Impaler, you say?

[i226.photobucket.com image 400x226]

"Perhaps now would be a good time to consider praying to your impotent god. Followed by a course of pissing yourself...."


What's bad is, according to many sites, Vlad the Impaler was Greek Orthodox. A Christian.
 
2012-11-23 12:05:05 PM

Miss Stein: Mega Steve: This About That: So, Hitler and Dracula were in "spirit jail" and the Mormons let them out?

Would the movie be a horror or buddy film?

Sounds like the plot of The Howling Man from the Twilight Zone.


It has to be a buddy comedy. Have them then get lost and have to explore the world where they learn to live with one another, while having wacky adventures along the way.
 
2012-11-23 04:03:45 PM

limeyfellow: Miss Stein: Mega Steve: This About That: So, Hitler and Dracula were in "spirit jail" and the Mormons let them out?

Would the movie be a horror or buddy film?

Sounds like the plot of The Howling Man from the Twilight Zone.

It has to be a buddy comedy. Have them then get lost and have to explore the world where they learn to live with one another, while having wacky adventures along the way.


That's....that's beautiful. *sniff*
 
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