I caught my teenage son doing something inappropriate with the turkey after I thawed it out. I've rinsed out the cavity and gave him a stern talking to but is it still safe to eat?

How can I get the turkey to taste like ham? Everybody in my house likes ham better.

When I put my penis in the bird, it's unsatisfactory.... Is there a way to tighten up the opening for greater pleasure?

I have a deep-rooted phobia about touching raw meat. I don't have a question as much as I just need you here with me while I put it in the oven. Can you be my rock?

Was this turkey killed humanely? I hear fear makes the meat taste better. Do you offer a line of turkeys that died violent deaths?

Why did you change it from Constantinople?

Who grants the wishes made when breaking the wishbone?

Let's say I kill a bigfoot in my backyard. What would the cooking/preparation time be in comparison with your delicious Butterball turkeys?

Has anybody ever died eating your product? Do you feel any remorse?

Can I fix the spring in the thermometer in this turkey and reuse it? Is it safe for oral/other insertion?

This turkey was labeled as a 12 lb turkey. I got it home and weighed it and it's closer to thirteen. Where do I send you a check for the difference?

My wife is a vegetarian and I want to trick her into eating this turkey. Could I dye the whole thing green and pass it off as a salad? Would that much food coloring be safe to eat?

Can I brine my turkey in the washing machine?

When I dress the turkey, how do I know if it's a boy or a girl?

Remember that scene from A Christmas Story where Ralphie's mom was making a turkey but left the room for a second and then the neighbor's dogs ran through the house and destroyed the turkey before the dad was able to shoo them away so the family had to go to a Chinese restaurant and ordered duck and the Chinese staff tried to sing Deck the Halls. That was hilarious, wasn't it?

The bag melted around my turkey when I made it in the microwave oven. Can I eat the plastic? If not, what's the best way to get the plastic off the bird? It looks laminated.

I'm a shortstop for the New York Mets. I was wondering if the level of hormones in this turkey might show up in any drug tests I have to take.

I've watched a lot of CSI and while stuffing the turkey, I noticed this turkey very likely died of blunt force trauma to the chest. I'd like to report a turkey murder.

My wishbone was pre-broken. Can I get a refund?

I bought this turkey and got home and just now noticed the packaging says Butterboll instead of Butterball. Is this a chinese ripoff turkey? Can I still eat it?

I was using one of the turkey wings to touch things on my iPad just to see if it would think it was a human finger. Now I have grease all over my iPad screen. What's the best way to wash this off?

Do you give out free Butterball tshirts? I want to get one for my wife for christmas.

Do you think this turkey would make a suitable sacrifice to appease the creature that lives in the lake by my house? If not, how many would you recommend?

Every year, per tradition, I unzip my pants, put the turkey neck there, and greet our guests. My wife says that the joke has gotten old. Is she right?

I have decided to cook my turkey in the microwave this year to save time. Is there a way to ensure its moistness?

I tried breeding a turkey and a duck to make a turducken, but all I have is lots of poultry semen and awkward silence. What am I doing wrong?

Did turkeys evolve from dinosaurs? My six year old son heard this at school and is terrified that we're forcing him to eat Barney.

Whats the easiest way to make a bong out of a turkey?

Is the turkey penis safe to eat?

"Can I stuff the turkey with a smaller turkey so I can enjoy turkey while I'm enjoying turkey?"

Do I have to pull ALL the feather off? It just seems like a lot of work, could I just shave it instead?

What part of the turkey do I use to make bacon with? I want to make turkey bacon BLT's for Thanksgiving.

When drying the wishbone on the window sill, what is the recommended time to allow for maximum wish-granting potential? Should it be left overnight to absorb some of the cosmic magic of the moon?

If I brine my turkey in 5-hr energy will it still make me sleepy when I eat it?

I managed to breed a rooster with a turkey, but the offspring are all male.
Would your company be interested in marketing these little cock gobblers?

I want to cook my turkey in an easy bake oven. What watt bulbs should I use and how long will it take?

I'm calling to file a complaint. My turkey came with legs, but no feet.

Are turkeys antisemitic? Why do they walk around shouting Goebble Goebbles?

I want to cook my turkey on my car's exhaust manifold. I have to drive 4 hrs to get to grandmas. Will the turkey be done when I get there or should I plan on finishing in the oven?

Can turkeys fly?

I'm pretty good at eyeballing when the turkey is done.  Can I remove the pop-up button for use on other cakes, meats, and root vegetables?

I want to feed the neighborhood so I am boiling turkeys in my hot tub. What's the ideal temp for this? Can you estimate how much salt and butter I should add to the water?

Benjamin Franklin wanted our national bird to be the turkey. Will my local tea party think I'm a communist for eating this turkey and thereby dismissing our founding fathers?

Is turkey a word for a really big chicken or is it a different animal?

I'm making a horror movie and I've noticed hitting one of your turkeys with an axe makes the best "axe to the head" noise. I was just wondering if you guys would be interested in a produce placement deal.

Just call up and say "goble goble" over and over again.

"My son hid his marijuana stash inside the turkey. I think I got it all. How much weed do you have to ingest before it starts to affect you?"

I'm sure you get this question all the time but, who is your favorite Doobie Brother?

So, I had an unfortunate traffic incident on the way home from the store and wasn't able to get all of the gravel and glass shards from the windshield out of the turkey, but I don't want my wife to know about this or she'll leave me again. I can't afford to buy another turkey, but I was able to mold one out of instant mashed potatoes and cardboard. Is there some kind of turkey seasoning I can use to make it taste right?

Also, we're planning on deep frying the fake potato turkey this year, and it's never gone well. Can gravy be used for a burn salve before the ambulances arrive?

My great aunt Irene insists that Butterball turkeys were named after a scene from Last Tango In Paris.
 
I have no reason to doubt her outside the fact that she is a raging alcoholic biatch, hellbent on mythos.
 
Can you set the record straight for me nice turkey lady?

Is turkey kosher? Is there some sort of ritual I could perform to make it clean?

Do you think that, in some alternate dimension, there are turkeys taking calls on how to best cook people?

I have a lot of people coming over for dinner, and figure I need a 30lb bird. Do you have a database or something of stores that still have big birds left?

My turkey has an extra large hole. Was it a slut? Can turkeys get STDs? How often do turkey's have sex? What does a turkey penis look like?

Do I freeze the giblets before stuffing them up my ass?

I accidentally cooked the bag of giblets still inside the bird. Is the bird safe to eat? Can I make gravy from the now-cooked giblets?

I'm about to drop my frozen turkey into the oil on my stove but I can't find the directions on the package for for how long it takes to deep fry a frozen turkey. Wait hold on.

HEY HONEY I'VE GOT THEM ON THE PHONE NOW DON'T DROP THAT IN JUST YET. NO I SAID DON'T.

OK so how long should we cook it?

option: begin screaming then hang up

Would taking the turkey out of the oven and massaging it a few times as it cooked make the meat softer?

What is the minimum oven temperature required to reanimate the bird within 4 hours?

Do I have to cook the turkey twice as long if I forgot to defrost it?

Is is safe to put one on your head like Mr. Bean?

Turkey Expert (an older sounding lady - didn't give her name): "Hi, what's your question?"

Me: "I caught my teenage son doing something inappropriate with the turkey after I thawed it out. I've rinsed out the cavity..."

TE: "You're not calling with a serious turkey question, are you?"

Me: "Well I just wanted to know if..."

TE (in mom voice): "What state are you calling from?"

Me: "uh. tennessee"

TE: OK, well you have a nice holiday.

...that was a total letdown

Has Butterball ever been contacted about a turkey neck stuck up someones butt? I have a few questions.

My turkey has bruises on it. Tell me the truth: Is there a turkey fight club?

Will you be my new mommy?

My turkey kept gobbling and trying to get away so I filled its cavity up with concrete to weigh it down. Should I buy a dead turkey next time?

If one train leaves Pittsburgh heading toward New York at 10:30 am travelling at 75 miles per hour and another train leaves New York towards Pittsburgh 15-minutes later travelling at 80 miles per hour, when will the trains meet? Oh, these have to be turkey questions? OK, If one train leaves Pittsburgh carrying a turkey heading toward New York at 10:30 am travelling at 75 miles per hour and another train leaves New York towards Pittsburgh also carrying a turkey 15-minutes later travelling at 80 miles per hour, when will the trains meet?

Isn't turkey really the other white meat? Why is Butterball letting those pork guys get away with their scam?

Why can't I just eat it raw? My kitchen is clean.

Turkey make me sleepy & flatulent. If I put coffee grinds in the stuffing will it keep me awake so I won't fart my wife out of the living room?

Does cooking it get rid of the semen?

For the next hour, give me any questions you'd like about preparing turkey. After the hour is up, I will call the 1-800-Butterball hotline and ask the top five questions. Top questions will be selected by voting using the "Funny" button.

I'll take notes and report their answers back as soon as I finish the call.

My turkey has really really long legs. Do you ever get an Ostrich mixed in by accident?

I won a bet, but now my foot is stuck in the turkey. Should I try to kick it off or lube up my foot?

How do I know this isn't actually a really big chicken or a really small emu?
I don't want to eat an emu, because I think all the other emus would know. You know?
And might want revenge.
I ate goose when I was small, and when I was in college the goose used to chase me all the way to class if I so much as walked near the pond. I ended up having to park at the stadium and take the bus after that.

I'm already in bad with the chickens for various reasons.

Where can I find my turkey's serial number?

Is it like cooking a racoon?

Do you deliver? I'd like one turkey for tomorrow around noon. They come cooked right?

Years ago when we were really into bad drugs, we kicked around the idea of injecting the turkey with morphine.

Ask them how many cc's of morphine per pound.

I sleepwalk sometimes, and last night I accidentally threw the Thanksgiving turkey into the dumpster out back. I got up early this morning and killed and skinned a couple of raccoons. If I cook them right and carve when no one's looking, can I save this holiday?

Can I put the stuffing in the side-hole?

The chicken goes inside the duck, which then goes in the turkey, right?

That leg looks pretty phallic. Do I need the company's permission to use its product while filming an adult movie?

Is it legal to put a fez on a turkey?

Well, I've coated the turkey in astro glide just like instructions said. What's the best way to tie the legs up to properly prepare for insertion?

Can I feed turkey to my dog or will he start chasing birds?

The cate ate some of the turkey while it was sitting out de-thawing last night, is it still good to cook?

Not a question but could you do one call and act like a PETA member Kwame? I bet you could pull it off LIKE A BOSS!

Are turkeys prone to use birth control, or should one wear a contraceptive when penetration occurs?

deansnose: Is there a safer way to eat a turkey? I keep getting drumstick burns behind my ears.

lol

"What cup size are your turkey's breasts? I can't find a bra that will fit."

"I'm calling about the job? You see, I'm not the Turkey Plucker, I'm the Turkey Plucker's son, but my daddy told me to Pluck your Turkey's until the day is done. If you've got some Turkeys, then I'm the Pluckin' One, man cause I'm not the Turkey Plucker, but its time I Plucked at least one."

I misread the defrost time and am trying to speed it up with a coat of Icyhot. How much do I need to apply for a 13lb bird?

What's the secret to picking up a 7-10 split when turkey bowling?

Is there a more politically correct name for them than "turkeys?" My cousin is bringing over her Muslim boyfriend and I don't want to offend him.

Do you speak jive, turkey?

Do you know of anybody's wishbone wishes coming true? What if somebody's wish reshaped reality?

Is this turkey loaded with growth hormones? Is the light or dark meat higher in hormones?

My turkey has a bag with the liver, heart, and gizzard in it.

What do you do with the snoods?  I could really go for some tasteful snoodity.

How do I firm up the turkey next for later use?

I've heard that the best Thanksgiving turkey is Cayman. How does one best prepare turkey that's been Cayman?

jadeblue: kwame: Turkey Expert (an older sounding lady - didn't give her name): "Hi, what's your question?"

Me: "I caught my teenage son doing something inappropriate with the turkey after I thawed it out. I've rinsed out the cavity..."

TE: "You're not calling with a serious turkey question, are you?"

Me: "Well I just wanted to know if..."

TE (in mom voice): "What state are you calling from?"

Me: "uh. tennessee"

TE: OK, well you have a nice holiday.

...that was a total letdown

I wonder what state would have made that more plausible for her.

Florida.

"You mean I have to *bake* this thing? As god is my witness... I thought turkeys could fry."

I noticed that another company makes a one whole chicken in a can.
Do you offer anything similar? I think I'd like that.

Remember when people used to call each other "Turkey" or "Jive Turkey" as the ultimate insult?
 
Did your P.R. firm turn that around?  Kudos to you and your crack team of "turkey boosters."  Did you know that Benjamin Franklin wanted the wild turkey to be the national symbol rather than the bald eagle?
 
Let's start a petition to make the Butterball Turkey (TM) the national symbol.
 
Now there's a bird I could salute!
 
 
I have written a new national anthem, feel free to use it in your promotions.
 
Hail hail Butterball
Best and juiciest turkey of them all
Under thy waving snood
Freedom is the prominant mood
When thine enemies see the fearsome bird popping its pop-up thermometer
Who will deny the predmominanter
of moods
Hail thy waving snooooooood.
 
Butterball to thine be true
dry or brined and deep fried too
Thank you Jesus for this food
Thank you to those who are not rude
Pass the biscuits for I must sop
The succulent gravy of freedom, every drop.

Do you guys hate the nice mennonite guy who sold us our sustainably raised free range organic turkey?

I don't have enough money to buy a turkey. So if I go outside with my pellet gun and kill about 15 robins, pluck them and mush them all together, would the same cooking rules apply?

Are the turkeys I see in the woods now and then butterball turkey's? How do you wrangle them?

Say you just picked up a turkey and then ask the best way to kill it. Then squawk.

I heard you secretly make tofurkey. Is it make from turkey?

I dropped my turkey in the cat's litterbox, but I rinsed it off real good. It's okay, right? I put a lot of work into cooking this bird, and I don't want to disappoint my family by throwing it out.

Adjective Bird Whiskey: Do you think this turkey would make a suitable sacrifice to appease the creature that lives in the lake by my house? If not, how many would you recommend?

Well, f*ck. My boss wanted to know what I was laughing at.

How much turkey skin can an average male ingest? Is there a daily limit?

NickelP: Do you have kids? Write out like 30 escalating questions and have them call. Ie the 'but why' thing

I have no kids, but I do have some ideas for a few adjustments to the questions:

Adjective Bird Whiskey: My wife is a vegetarian and I want to trick her into eating this turkey. Is there a way I can make your turkey look like tofurkey?

Do you have kids? Write out like 30 escalating questions and have them call. Ie the 'but why' thing

How often do I need to let it sit between 5minute intervals in the microwave?

Oh sweet Jesus, here we go.

My oven must have been open for a while before I put the bird in. When it had been about an hour, a horrible burning hair smell started emanating from the oven. I opened it and found a dead mouse roasted in the bottom. So, is a mouse smoked turkey safe to eat, and how do i get my cat to forgive me for ruining the dinner she was making for HER family?

I sponsored a few people that I thought were funny. Enjoy.

Maybe I'll come back later and do a few more.

Made it to a wait for the next expert. Estimated wait: five minutes

I'm not much of a drinker, and I'm allergic to grapes.
Can you recommend a nice gourmet soda to go with my feast?
I'd prefer it to be one of the Big K or Sam's Choice type brands, since I don't like supporting giant companies like Coke. However, it can't be Shasta, That whole "I want a pop, pop, pop" incesty jingle thing still creeps me out.

Is glitter edible?

Sofa King Smart: I'm new to this 'vegetarian' lifestyle... is there any part of the turkey that is acceptable for vegetarians?


*Applause*

Is it true that you can use a tazer to dethaw a turkey? How many shocks before it starts cooking it?

If you drop a 20 pound turkey from 500 feet up, barring any weather effects and given that terminal velocity is a constant, how long before it would hit the ground like a sack of wet cement? Please show your work.

Do turkeys have souls?

whizbang: KingKauff: UN RED THIS THREAD! YOU CAN DO IT! MAKE IT GREEN!

OK who do I have to fark

Yourself

Also ask them how you should cook your turkey if you want your so to watch katy pervy with you while giving you an handrew jackson during the elmo scene, a blowie during the rhianna scene and to bang you while calling you daddy during the lady gaga scene.

How do I burn a turkey to ensure that only female firefighters respond?

EviLincoln: kwame: From their site:

Over the years, the Butterball® Turkey Talk-Line experts have solved some puzzling turkey situations, like which pan to use, what to do when the turkey is on fire, and when to start roasting the turkey so it's ready by halftime.

???????

That seems like a question firemanbuck would best address.

Wait until the proper amount of doneness is achieved and then blow it out....just like a marshmellow

Can you see me? I can see you.

mryoop789: When I dress the turkey, how do I know if it's a boy or a girl?

I disabled the Smart and Funny buttons.
Please add a vote for this one, kwame.

mryoop789: When I dress the turkey, how do I know if it's a boy or a girl?

And how to you get the f*cking hat to stay on?

EviLincoln: Would taking the turkey out of the oven and massaging it a few times as it cooked make the meat softer?

I think it would make the meat harder....

i heard there was gonna be a statement.

EviLincoln: Adjective Bird Whiskey: Do you think this turkey would make a suitable sacrifice to appease the creature that lives in the lake by my house? If not, how many would you recommend?

You have one of those too?

From the hissing and the glowing eyes I hear, I assume so. Either that or a really big unfriendly cat.

mryoop789: Adjective Bird Whiskey: Do you think this turkey would make a suitable sacrifice to appease the creature that lives in the lake by my house? If not, how many would you recommend?

Well, f*ck. My boss wanted to know what I was laughing at.

"Just laughing at kids with Down's Syndrome boss, nothing new."

How do I get the cranberry jello to congeal in the cavity?

Do I actually have to cook it? It looks pretty good to me as-is.

generalDisdain: Do I freeze the giblets before stuffing them up my ass?

Tildo?

Goddammit, ABW, I'm at work. People are staring.

/farking lol

Turkeys CAN fly.

kwame: For the next hour, give me any questions you'd like about preparing turkey. After the hour is up, I will call the 1-800-Butterball hotline and ask the top five questions. Top questions will be selected by voting using the "Funny" button.

I'll take notes and report their answers back as soon as I finish the call.

Can you record it on google voice or something? Awesome idea just trying to kick it up a notch.

Turkey NECK damn it.

I am doing legs. Can I boil the roasted bones for stock after the meat is eaten?