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(Fark)   How about a little pre-Thanksgiving fun? DIT   (fark.com) divider line 60
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4866 clicks; posted to Main » on 21 Nov 2012 at 2:00 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Smartest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2012-11-21 11:56:22 AM  
4 votes:
For the next hour, give me any questions you'd like about preparing turkey. After the hour is up, I will call the 1-800-Butterball hotline and ask the top five questions. Top questions will be selected by voting using the "Funny" button.

I'll take notes and report their answers back as soon as I finish the call.
2012-11-21 03:29:32 PM  
2 votes:
I recently saved a lot of money to buy a Real Doll, how should I clean her off after rubbing the raw turkey on her?
2012-11-21 02:30:09 PM  
2 votes:
"Do you know where I can get a RealTurkey doll?"
2012-11-21 12:15:47 PM  
2 votes:
I think this should be greened so we can see tons of ridiculous suggestions.
2012-11-21 12:15:37 PM  
2 votes:
Do you give out free Butterball tshirts? I want to get one for my wife for christmas.
2012-11-21 12:07:11 PM  
2 votes:
I think Adjective Bird Whiskey's pretty much got this.
2012-11-21 12:05:40 PM  
2 votes:
When drying the wishbone on the window sill, what is the recommended time to allow for maximum wish-granting potential? Should it be left overnight to absorb some of the cosmic magic of the moon?
2012-11-21 12:02:29 PM  
2 votes:
Why did you change it from Constantinople?
2012-11-21 09:48:00 PM  
1 votes:
Kwame, funny stuff. Thank you, after 9 hours of holiday driving I needed this.

Frankly, the fact that you were busted by the experienced butterball lady is the funniest possible outcome. :)
2012-11-21 05:51:34 PM  
1 votes:

kwame: For the next hour, give me any questions you'd like about preparing turkey. After the hour is up, I will call the 1-800-Butterball hotline and ask the top five questions. Top questions will be selected by voting using the "Funny" button.

I'll take notes and report their answers back as soon as I finish the call.


Hey, when did President Bartlett sign up for Fark? ;)
2012-11-21 04:56:07 PM  
1 votes:

myschief: There is a welcome thread in TF Discussion for anyone that was just sponsored.


 
This is a masterful bit of ballot stuffing. 
 
I would lodge a formal complaint if it weren't my plan to steal this ruse for the next votable gag thread.
 
Until next time myschief, until next time.
 
- Impotently shakes fist in the air.
2012-11-21 04:33:34 PM  
1 votes:
That was a great smackdown from the Turkey Expert
2012-11-21 04:11:26 PM  
1 votes:
I sponsored a few people that I thought were funny. Enjoy.

Maybe I'll come back later and do a few more.
2012-11-21 03:51:53 PM  
1 votes:
Next time you call, use a British accent.
2012-11-21 03:37:48 PM  
1 votes:

jadeblue: kwame: Turkey Expert (an older sounding lady - didn't give her name): "Hi, what's your question?"

Me: "I caught my teenage son doing something inappropriate with the turkey after I thawed it out. I've rinsed out the cavity..."

TE: "You're not calling with a serious turkey question, are you?"

Me: "Well I just wanted to know if..."

TE (in mom voice): "What state are you calling from?"

Me: "uh. tennessee"

TE: OK, well you have a nice holiday.

...that was a total letdown

I wonder what state would have made that more plausible for her.


Florida.
2012-11-21 03:32:53 PM  
1 votes:
Turkey Expert (an older sounding lady - didn't give her name): "Hi, what's your question?"

Me: "I caught my teenage son doing something inappropriate with the turkey after I thawed it out. I've rinsed out the cavity..."

TE: "You're not calling with a serious turkey question, are you?"

Me: "Well I just wanted to know if..."

TE (in mom voice): "What state are you calling from?"

Me: "uh. tennessee"

TE: OK, well you have a nice holiday.

...that was a total letdown
2012-11-21 03:19:49 PM  
1 votes:

Texas Gabe: What is the best not-expensive wine to serve with a turkey dinner.



Opus One.
2012-11-21 03:06:28 PM  
1 votes:
Is there a safer way to eat a turkey? I keep getting drumstick burns behind my ears.
2012-11-21 02:48:09 PM  
1 votes:
My Turkey is talking jive, do you have an interpreter?
2012-11-21 02:35:09 PM  
1 votes:
If you drop a 20 pound turkey from 500 feet up, barring any weather effects and given that terminal velocity is a constant, how long before it would hit the ground like a sack of wet cement? Please show your work.
2012-11-21 02:33:09 PM  
1 votes:

Balchinian: Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.


How does it feel to be a boring funsucker? :(
2012-11-21 02:32:08 PM  
1 votes:

Balchinian: Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.


www.sitcomsonline.com
2012-11-21 02:26:00 PM  
1 votes:
"You mean I have to *bake* this thing? As god is my witness... I thought turkeys could fry."
2012-11-21 02:19:28 PM  
1 votes:
The deep fryer instructions say to use 3 gallons of oil for my sized turkey, but should I use 10W40 or 10W30?
2012-11-21 02:13:39 PM  
1 votes:
"If I cook it too slow to kill, will the maggots get the hint and crawl out by themselves? I don't think I have time to pick them out one by one."
2012-11-21 01:30:57 PM  
1 votes:

MBK: "Can I stuff the turkey with a smaller turkey so I can enjoy turkey while I'm enjoying turkey?"


You inspired me to make this. Thank you.
i1325.photobucket.com
2012-11-21 01:24:50 PM  
1 votes:

kwame: DVDave: "My ring came off inside the bird and I didn't realize it until it was in the oven. Should I take it out now and dig for the ring, or will that mess up the timing?"

That's actually pretty hilarious.


Change it to an engagement ring for the caller's GF for added hilarity.
2012-11-21 01:12:35 PM  
1 votes:

whizbang: KingKauff: UN RED THIS THREAD! YOU CAN DO IT! MAKE IT GREEN!

OK who do I have to fark


Yourself
2012-11-21 12:55:27 PM  
1 votes:

NickelP: Just register on the computer and add your cell number. Initiate the call on the computer and it will ring your phone i think.


Yes, but that then registers my number with Google, and I don't see any assurance that the number won't end up being shared. Not to be difficult, but I hate sharing my personal line when I don't have to.
2012-11-21 12:44:15 PM  
1 votes:
I want to feed the neighborhood so I am boiling turkeys in my hot tub. What's the ideal temp for this? Can you estimate how much salt and butter I should add to the water?
2012-11-21 12:32:33 PM  
1 votes:

EviLincoln: kwame: From their site:

Over the years, the Butterball® Turkey Talk-Line experts have solved some puzzling turkey situations, like which pan to use, what to do when the turkey is on fire, and when to start roasting the turkey so it's ready by halftime.

???????

That seems like a question firemanbuck would best address.


Wait until the proper amount of doneness is achieved and then blow it out....just like a marshmellow
2012-11-21 12:31:31 PM  
1 votes:
Benjamin Franklin wanted our national bird to be the turkey. Will my local tea party think I'm a communist for eating this turkey and thereby dismissing our founding fathers?
2012-11-21 12:23:20 PM  
1 votes:
I was using one of the turkey wings to touch things on my iPad just to see if it would think it was a human finger. Now I have grease all over my iPad screen. What's the best way to wash this off?
2012-11-21 12:21:51 PM  
1 votes:
i heard there was gonna be a statement.
2012-11-21 12:20:48 PM  
1 votes:
Do you think that, in some alternate dimension, there are turkeys taking calls on how to best cook people?
2012-11-21 12:18:04 PM  
1 votes:
If I stuff one of your delicious Butterball® turkeys with a duck, how can I best measure the internal temperature to ensure I don't kill anyone?
2012-11-21 12:18:03 PM  
1 votes:
Really? Some of you used the "smartest" option, and one of you voted for a comment that wasn't even a suggested question? Man, some of you people are dumb.
2012-11-21 12:14:17 PM  
1 votes:
Do you think this turkey would make a suitable sacrifice to appease the creature that lives in the lake by my house? If not, how many would you recommend?
2012-11-21 12:10:13 PM  
1 votes:

kwame: NickelP: Can you record it on google voice or something? Awesome idea just trying to kick it up a notch.

I'm not sure I know how to do that. I'll have to call on my mobile since I'm at work. Is that something I can do via iphone?


It is on android. Can you download google voice for iphone? I think you can actually do this without the app to. Not on a computer but google'google voice record' and i think it is pretty simple. If you havnt done this yet when i get back i will figure it out.
2012-11-21 12:10:11 PM  
1 votes:
That leg looks pretty phallic. Do I need the company's permission to use its product while filming an adult movie?
2012-11-21 12:09:41 PM  
1 votes:
Which lube is the best lube for turkey relations?
2012-11-21 12:08:21 PM  
1 votes:
Is it legal to put a fez on a turkey?
2012-11-21 12:07:00 PM  
1 votes:
I'm a shortstop for the New York Mets. I was wondering if the level of hormones in this turkey might show up in any drug tests I have to take.
2012-11-21 12:06:55 PM  
1 votes:
I may have to make multiple calls. I'm not sure I could make it to question #3 without laughing.
2012-11-21 12:05:54 PM  
1 votes:
Are turkeys antisemitic? Why do they walk around shouting Goebble Goebbles?
2012-11-21 12:04:39 PM  
1 votes:
Whats the easiest way to make a bong out of a turkey?
2012-11-21 12:04:01 PM  
1 votes:

generalDisdain: Do I freeze the giblets before stuffing them up my ass?


Tildo?
2012-11-21 12:03:38 PM  
1 votes:
Who grants the wishes made when breaking the wishbone?
2012-11-21 12:03:35 PM  
1 votes:
Fyi do this as 5 calls or the first question will be the only one that counts
2012-11-21 12:03:14 PM  
1 votes:
idiotflashback.files.wordpress.com
2012-11-21 12:02:39 PM  
1 votes:
I have a deep-rooted phobia about touching raw meat. I don't have a question as much as I just need you here with me while I put it in the oven. Can you be my rock?
2012-11-21 12:02:39 PM  
1 votes:
Not a question but could you do one call and act like a PETA member Kwame? I bet you could pull it off LIKE A BOSS!
2012-11-21 12:02:19 PM  
1 votes:
How often do I need to let it sit between 5minute intervals in the microwave?
2012-11-21 12:02:14 PM  
1 votes:
Do I freeze the giblets before stuffing them up my ass?
2012-11-21 12:02:05 PM  
1 votes:
Turkeys CAN fly.
2012-11-21 12:00:36 PM  
1 votes:
i.chzbgr.com
2012-11-21 11:58:40 AM  
1 votes:
I should probably say now that I think it would be smart to not use crude or profane questions. These folks are actually on the job right now.
2012-11-21 11:58:22 AM  
1 votes:
Does cooking it get rid of the semen?
2012-11-21 11:58:13 AM  
1 votes:
Is the turkey penis safe to eat?
2012-11-21 11:57:29 AM  
1 votes:
When I put my penis in the bird, it's unsatisfactory.... Is there a way to tighten up the opening for greater pleasure?
 
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