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(Fark)   How about a little pre-Thanksgiving fun? DIT   (fark.com) divider line 369
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4863 clicks; posted to Main » on 21 Nov 2012 at 2:00 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-11-21 11:56:22 AM
For the next hour, give me any questions you'd like about preparing turkey. After the hour is up, I will call the 1-800-Butterball hotline and ask the top five questions. Top questions will be selected by voting using the "Funny" button.

I'll take notes and report their answers back as soon as I finish the call.
 
2012-11-21 11:57:29 AM
When I put my penis in the bird, it's unsatisfactory.... Is there a way to tighten up the opening for greater pleasure?
 
2012-11-21 11:57:32 AM
I caught my teenage son doing something inappropriate with the turkey after I thawed it out. I've rinsed out the cavity and gave him a stern talking to but is it still safe to eat?
 
2012-11-21 11:57:46 AM
I am doing legs. Can I boil the roasted bones for stock after the meat is eaten?
 
2012-11-21 11:58:13 AM
Is the turkey penis safe to eat?
 
2012-11-21 11:58:22 AM
Does cooking it get rid of the semen?
 
2012-11-21 11:58:40 AM
I should probably say now that I think it would be smart to not use crude or profane questions. These folks are actually on the job right now.
 
2012-11-21 11:58:41 AM
I accidentally cooked the bag of giblets still inside the bird. Is the bird safe to eat? Can I make gravy from the now-cooked giblets?
 
2012-11-21 11:58:53 AM
Oh sweet Jesus, here we go.
 
2012-11-21 11:58:56 AM
How do I firm up the turkey next for later use?
 
2012-11-21 11:59:31 AM
Turkey NECK damn it.
 
2012-11-21 11:59:36 AM
Let's say I kill a bigfoot in my backyard. What would the cooking/preparation time be in comparison with your delicious Butterball turkeys?

Has anybody ever died eating your product? Do you feel any remorse?

Can I fix the spring in the thermometer in this turkey and reuse it? Is it safe for oral/other insertion?

This turkey was labeled as a 12 lb turkey. I got it home and weighed it and it's closer to thirteen. Where do I send you a check for the difference?
 
2012-11-21 11:59:37 AM
Do I have to pull ALL the feather off? It just seems like a lot of work, could I just shave it instead?
 
2012-11-21 11:59:43 AM

CommieTaoist: I caught my teenage son doing something inappropriate with the turkey after I thawed it out. I've rinsed out the cavity and gave him a stern talking to but is it still safe to eat?


that said, this sh*t is funny
 
2012-11-21 11:59:52 AM

kwame: For the next hour, give me any questions you'd like about preparing turkey. After the hour is up, I will call the 1-800-Butterball hotline and ask the top five questions. Top questions will be selected by voting using the "Funny" button.

I'll take notes and report their answers back as soon as I finish the call.


Can you record it on google voice or something? Awesome idea just trying to kick it up a notch.
 
2012-11-21 12:00:09 PM
Is is safe to put one on your head like Mr. Bean?
 
2012-11-21 12:00:19 PM
Are turkeys prone to use birth control, or should one wear a contraceptive when penetration occurs?
 
2012-11-21 12:00:30 PM
I have decided to cook my turkey in the microwave this year to save time. Is there a way to ensure its moistness?
 
2012-11-21 12:00:32 PM
Was this turkey killed humanely? I hear fear makes the meat taste better. Do you offer a line of turkeys that died violent deaths?
 
2012-11-21 12:00:36 PM
i.chzbgr.com
 
2012-11-21 12:01:00 PM
I'm pretty good at eyeballing when the turkey is done.  Can I remove the pop-up button for use on other cakes, meats, and root vegetables?
 
2012-11-21 12:01:05 PM
Can turkeys fly?
 
2012-11-21 12:01:11 PM
Every year, per tradition, I unzip my pants, put the turkey neck there, and greet our guests. My wife says that the joke has gotten old. Is she right?
 
2012-11-21 12:01:27 PM
Something about the most appropriate number of turkey (mommy) stiches
 
2012-11-21 12:01:33 PM
I bought this turkey and got home and just now noticed the packaging says Butterboll instead of Butterball. Is this a chinese ripoff turkey? Can I still eat it?
 
2012-11-21 12:02:04 PM
How can I get the turkey to taste like ham? Everybody in my house likes ham better.
 
2012-11-21 12:02:05 PM
Turkeys CAN fly.
 
2012-11-21 12:02:14 PM
Do I freeze the giblets before stuffing them up my ass?
 
2012-11-21 12:02:19 PM
How often do I need to let it sit between 5minute intervals in the microwave?
 
2012-11-21 12:02:29 PM
Why did you change it from Constantinople?
 
2012-11-21 12:02:33 PM
Do I have to cook the turkey twice as long if I forgot to defrost it?
 
2012-11-21 12:02:39 PM
Not a question but could you do one call and act like a PETA member Kwame? I bet you could pull it off LIKE A BOSS!
 
2012-11-21 12:02:39 PM
I have a deep-rooted phobia about touching raw meat. I don't have a question as much as I just need you here with me while I put it in the oven. Can you be my rock?
 
2012-11-21 12:02:39 PM
Goddammit, ABW, I'm at work. People are staring.

/farking lol
 
2012-11-21 12:02:49 PM
My turkey has a bag with the liver, heart, and gizzard in it.

What do you do with the snoods?  I could really go for some tasteful snoodity.
 
2012-11-21 12:02:52 PM
My turkey has an extra large hole. Was it a slut? Can turkeys get STDs? How often do turkey's have sex? What does a turkey penis look like?
 
2012-11-21 12:03:07 PM
The cate ate some of the turkey while it was sitting out de-thawing last night, is it still good to cook?
 
2012-11-21 12:03:09 PM
Who cares? I sure don't.
 
MBK [TotalFark]
2012-11-21 12:03:10 PM
"Can I stuff the turkey with a smaller turkey so I can enjoy turkey while I'm enjoying turkey?"
 
2012-11-21 12:03:14 PM
idiotflashback.files.wordpress.com
 
2012-11-21 12:03:35 PM
Fyi do this as 5 calls or the first question will be the only one that counts
 
2012-11-21 12:03:38 PM
Who grants the wishes made when breaking the wishbone?
 
2012-11-21 12:03:45 PM
Can I feed turkey to my dog or will he start chasing birds?
 
2012-11-21 12:03:55 PM
There was a hole in the bottom of the aluminum pan I used to roast the turkey, so I've lost a lot of the juice. Can I use a bottle of wine, or some apple cider to baste the turkey? Is there some other fluid you recommend?
 
2012-11-21 12:04:01 PM

generalDisdain: Do I freeze the giblets before stuffing them up my ass?


Tildo?
 
2012-11-21 12:04:07 PM
Can I brine my turkey in the washing machine?
 
2012-11-21 12:04:13 PM
My wishbone was pre-broken. Can I get a refund?
 
2012-11-21 12:04:19 PM

imapirate: Goddammit, ABW, I'm at work. People are staring.

/farking lol


I was just going to post something to the same effect. So far this nilla ABW gots the best ones~!
 
2012-11-21 12:04:21 PM
Just call up and say "goble goble" over and over again.
 
2012-11-21 12:04:25 PM
What is the minimum oven temperature required to reanimate the bird within 4 hours?
 
2012-11-21 12:04:31 PM
I've watched a lot of CSI and while stuffing the turkey, I noticed this turkey very likely died of blunt force trauma to the chest. I'd like to report a turkey murder.
 
2012-11-21 12:04:31 PM
I have a lot of people coming over for dinner, and figure I need a 30lb bird. Do you have a database or something of stores that still have big birds left?
 
2012-11-21 12:04:39 PM
Whats the easiest way to make a bong out of a turkey?
 
2012-11-21 12:05:12 PM

EviLincoln: The cate ate some of the turkey while it was sitting out de-thawing last night, is it still good to cook?


De thawing I love that more than you know
 
2012-11-21 12:05:25 PM
Well, I've coated the turkey in astro glide just like instructions said. What's the best way to tie the legs up to properly prepare for insertion?
 
2012-11-21 12:05:37 PM

NickelP: Can you record it on google voice or something? Awesome idea just trying to kick it up a notch.


I'm not sure I know how to do that. I'll have to call on my mobile since I'm at work. Is that something I can do via iphone?
 
2012-11-21 12:05:40 PM
When drying the wishbone on the window sill, what is the recommended time to allow for maximum wish-granting potential? Should it be left overnight to absorb some of the cosmic magic of the moon?
 
2012-11-21 12:05:47 PM
Is this turkey loaded with growth hormones? Is the light or dark meat higher in hormones?
 
2012-11-21 12:05:49 PM
The bag melted around my turkey when I made it in the microwave oven. Can I eat the plastic? If not, what's the best way to get the plastic off the bird? It looks laminated.
 
2012-11-21 12:05:54 PM
Are turkeys antisemitic? Why do they walk around shouting Goebble Goebbles?
 
2012-11-21 12:05:55 PM

dhambrick: I have a lot of people coming over for dinner, and figure I need a 30lb bird. Do you have a database or something of stores that still have big birds left?


Try Sesame Street.
 
2012-11-21 12:06:09 PM
My wife is a vegetarian and I want to trick her into eating this turkey. Could I dye the whole thing green and pass it off as a salad? Would that much food coloring be safe to eat?
 
MBK [TotalFark]
2012-11-21 12:06:28 PM

vegaswench: Can I brine my turkey in the washing machine?


Not gonna lie, I thought about this last year when I had a 24 lb turkey.

What? I was gonna double bag it so nothing leaks.
 
2012-11-21 12:06:34 PM
What part of the turkey do I use to make bacon with? I want to make turkey bacon BLT's for Thanksgiving.
 
2012-11-21 12:06:47 PM
Do you have kids? Write out like 30 escalating questions and have them call. Ie the 'but why' thing
 
2012-11-21 12:06:52 PM
Turkey make me sleepy & flatulent. If I put coffee grinds in the stuffing will it keep me awake so I won't fart my wife out of the living room?
 
2012-11-21 12:06:55 PM
I may have to make multiple calls. I'm not sure I could make it to question #3 without laughing.
 
2012-11-21 12:07:00 PM
I'm a shortstop for the New York Mets. I was wondering if the level of hormones in this turkey might show up in any drug tests I have to take.
 
2012-11-21 12:07:11 PM
I think Adjective Bird Whiskey's pretty much got this.
 
2012-11-21 12:08:06 PM
Do I actually have to cook it? It looks pretty good to me as-is.
 
2012-11-21 12:08:15 PM

NickelP: Do you have kids? Write out like 30 escalating questions and have them call. Ie the 'but why' thing


I have no kids, but I do have some ideas for a few adjustments to the questions:

Adjective Bird Whiskey: My wife is a vegetarian and I want to trick her into eating this turkey.

Is there a way I can make your turkey look like tofurkey?
 
2012-11-21 12:08:21 PM
Is it legal to put a fez on a turkey?
 
2012-11-21 12:08:40 PM
Do you know of anybody's wishbone wishes coming true? What if somebody's wish reshaped reality?
 
2012-11-21 12:08:44 PM

coco ebert: I think Adjective Bird Whiskey's pretty much got this.


hahaha, no question
 
2012-11-21 12:09:41 PM
Which lube is the best lube for turkey relations?
 
2012-11-21 12:10:11 PM
That leg looks pretty phallic. Do I need the company's permission to use its product while filming an adult movie?
 
2012-11-21 12:10:13 PM

kwame: NickelP: Can you record it on google voice or something? Awesome idea just trying to kick it up a notch.

I'm not sure I know how to do that. I'll have to call on my mobile since I'm at work. Is that something I can do via iphone?


It is on android. Can you download google voice for iphone? I think you can actually do this without the app to. Not on a computer but google'google voice record' and i think it is pretty simple. If you havnt done this yet when i get back i will figure it out.
 
2012-11-21 12:10:22 PM
The chicken goes inside the duck, which then goes in the turkey, right?
 
2012-11-21 12:10:43 PM
Why can't I just eat it raw? My kitchen is clean.
 
2012-11-21 12:11:16 PM
Isn't turkey really the other white meat? Why is Butterball letting those pork guys get away with their scam?
 
2012-11-21 12:11:21 PM
Did turkeys evolve from dinosaurs? My six year old son heard this at school and is terrified that we're forcing him to eat Barney.
 
2012-11-21 12:12:22 PM
If one train leaves Pittsburgh heading toward New York at 10:30 am travelling at 75 miles per hour and another train leaves New York towards Pittsburgh 15-minutes later travelling at 80 miles per hour, when will the trains meet? Oh, these have to be turkey questions? OK, If one train leaves Pittsburgh carrying a turkey heading toward New York at 10:30 am travelling at 75 miles per hour and another train leaves New York towards Pittsburgh also carrying a turkey 15-minutes later travelling at 80 miles per hour, when will the trains meet?
 
2012-11-21 12:12:32 PM
Can I put the stuffing in the side-hole?
 
2012-11-21 12:12:51 PM
I thought Wednesdays were "kwame no work but get blasted on bourbon" days?
 
2012-11-21 12:13:10 PM

kwame: I may have to make multiple calls. I'm not sure I could make it to question #3 without laughing.


I wouldn't be able to get through any of ABWs questions without losing it.
 
2012-11-21 12:13:14 PM

themeaningoflifeisnot: Isn't turkey really the other white meat? Why is Butterball letting those pork guys get away with their scam?


Possum is the other white meat....
 
2012-11-21 12:13:36 PM
How much turkey skin can an average male ingest? Is there a daily limit?
 
2012-11-21 12:13:45 PM
How do I get the cranberry jello to congeal in the cavity?
 
2012-11-21 12:14:08 PM
I want to cook my turkey on my car's exhaust manifold. I have to drive 4 hrs to get to grandmas. Will the turkey be done when I get there or should I plan on finishing in the oven?
 
2012-11-21 12:14:17 PM
Do you think this turkey would make a suitable sacrifice to appease the creature that lives in the lake by my house? If not, how many would you recommend?
 
2012-11-21 12:14:18 PM

firemanbuck: Can I put the stuffing in the side-hole?


Hahahahahahaaa.
 
2012-11-21 12:15:34 PM
My turkey kept gobbling and trying to get away so I filled its cavity up with concrete to weigh it down. Should I buy a dead turkey next time?
 
2012-11-21 12:15:37 PM
Do you give out free Butterball tshirts? I want to get one for my wife for christmas.
 
2012-11-21 12:15:47 PM
I think this should be greened so we can see tons of ridiculous suggestions.
 
2012-11-21 12:16:22 PM
I'm making a horror movie and I've noticed hitting one of your turkeys with an axe makes the best "axe to the head" noise. I was just wondering if you guys would be interested in a produce placement deal.
 
2012-11-21 12:16:46 PM

myschief: I think this should be greened so we can see tons of ridiculous suggestions.


I upvoted.
 
2012-11-21 12:17:10 PM

Adjective Bird Whiskey: Do you think this turkey would make a suitable sacrifice to appease the creature that lives in the lake by my house? If not, how many would you recommend?


Well, f*ck. My boss wanted to know what I was laughing at.
 
2012-11-21 12:17:23 PM

Adjective Bird Whiskey: Do you think this turkey would make a suitable sacrifice to appease the creature that lives in the lake by my house? If not, how many would you recommend?


You have one of those too?
 
2012-11-21 12:17:48 PM
I'm calling to file a complaint. My turkey came with legs, but no feet.
 
2012-11-21 12:18:03 PM
Really? Some of you used the "smartest" option, and one of you voted for a comment that wasn't even a suggested question? Man, some of you people are dumb.
 
2012-11-21 12:18:03 PM

mryoop789: Adjective Bird Whiskey: Do you think this turkey would make a suitable sacrifice to appease the creature that lives in the lake by my house? If not, how many would you recommend?

Well, f*ck. My boss wanted to know what I was laughing at.


"Just laughing at kids with Down's Syndrome boss, nothing new."
 
2012-11-21 12:18:04 PM
If I stuff one of your delicious Butterball® turkeys with a duck, how can I best measure the internal temperature to ensure I don't kill anyone?
 
2012-11-21 12:18:18 PM

EviLincoln: Adjective Bird Whiskey: Do you think this turkey would make a suitable sacrifice to appease the creature that lives in the lake by my house? If not, how many would you recommend?

You have one of those too?


From the hissing and the glowing eyes I hear, I assume so. Either that or a really big unfriendly cat.
 
2012-11-21 12:18:23 PM

Spoon over Marin: myschief: I think this should be greened so we can see tons of ridiculous suggestions.

I upvoted.


YES!
 
2012-11-21 12:19:17 PM
Do you speak jive, turkey?
 
2012-11-21 12:19:59 PM

EviLincoln: Spoon over Marin: myschief: I think this should be greened so we can see tons of ridiculous suggestions.

I upvoted.

YES!


This. Green this thing.
 
2012-11-21 12:20:10 PM

themeaningoflifeisnot: I'm calling to file a complaint. My turkey came with legs, but no feet.


Go down to the carniceria, buy some chicken feet and tie them on....
 
2012-11-21 12:20:23 PM
I also upvoted.
 
2012-11-21 12:20:48 PM
Do you think that, in some alternate dimension, there are turkeys taking calls on how to best cook people?
 
2012-11-21 12:20:53 PM
From their site:

Over the years, the Butterball® Turkey Talk-Line experts have solved some puzzling turkey situations, like which pan to use, what to do when the turkey is on fire, and when to start roasting the turkey so it's ready by halftime.

???????
 
2012-11-21 12:20:54 PM

imapirate: EviLincoln: Spoon over Marin: myschief: I think this should be greened so we can see tons of ridiculous suggestions.

I upvoted.

YES!

This. Green this thing.


Doooooo IT!
 
2012-11-21 12:20:58 PM
Upvoted
 
2012-11-21 12:21:34 PM
Would taking the turkey out of the oven and massaging it a few times as it cooked make the meat softer?
 
2012-11-21 12:21:43 PM
Is turkey kosher? Is there some sort of ritual I could perform to make it clean?
 
2012-11-21 12:21:49 PM

imapirate: This. Green this thing.


I can always wait and let voting go on for the rest of the afternoon if they choose to. This was meant to be internal fun, but if the doors are thrown open, so be it.
 
2012-11-21 12:21:51 PM
i heard there was gonna be a statement.
 
2012-11-21 12:21:52 PM
I want to cook my turkey in an easy bake oven. What watt bulbs should I use and how long will it take?
 
2012-11-21 12:22:01 PM

kwame: From their site:

Over the years, the Butterball® Turkey Talk-Line experts have solved some puzzling turkey situations, like which pan to use, what to do when the turkey is on fire, and when to start roasting the turkey so it's ready by halftime.

???????


lol
 
2012-11-21 12:22:02 PM

EviLincoln: Would taking the turkey out of the oven and massaging it a few times as it cooked make the meat softer?


I think it would make the meat harder....
 
2012-11-21 12:22:31 PM

kwame: Really? Some of you used the "smartest" option, and one of you voted for a comment that wasn't even a suggested question? Man, some of you people are dumb.


If it wins, you still gotta ask it-

"One more thing, I think this should be greened so we can see tons of ridiculous suggestions?"

Them's the rules.
 
2012-11-21 12:22:36 PM

EviLincoln: Would taking the turkey out of the oven and massaging it a few times as it cooked make the meat softer?


hahahaha
 
2012-11-21 12:23:20 PM
I was using one of the turkey wings to touch things on my iPad just to see if it would think it was a human finger. Now I have grease all over my iPad screen. What's the best way to wash this off?
 
2012-11-21 12:23:53 PM
Is turkey a word for a really big chicken or is it a different animal?
 
2012-11-21 12:24:03 PM
When I dress the turkey, how do I know if it's a boy or a girl?
 
2012-11-21 12:24:38 PM
I dropped my turkey in the cat's litterbox, but I rinsed it off real good. It's okay, right? I put a lot of work into cooking this bird, and I don't want to disappoint my family by throwing it out.
 
2012-11-21 12:24:59 PM

mryoop789: When I dress the turkey, how do I know if it's a boy or a girl?


And how to you get the f*cking hat to stay on?
 
2012-11-21 12:25:12 PM

kwame: From their site:

Over the years, the Butterball® Turkey Talk-Line experts have solved some puzzling turkey situations, like which pan to use, what to do when the turkey is on fire, and when to start roasting the turkey so it's ready by halftime.

???????


That seems like a question firemanbuck would best address.
 
2012-11-21 12:25:45 PM
Will you be my new mommy?
 
2012-11-21 12:25:55 PM
I sleepwalk sometimes, and last night I accidentally threw the Thanksgiving turkey into the dumpster out back. I got up early this morning and killed and skinned a couple of raccoons. If I cook them right and carve when no one's looking, can I save this holiday?
 
2012-11-21 12:26:28 PM
My turkey has bruises on it. Tell me the truth: Is there a turkey fight club?
 
2012-11-21 12:26:29 PM

rostit: i heard there was gonna be a statement.


Unlikely tag
 
2012-11-21 12:26:35 PM
I already had my question answered
 
2012-11-21 12:26:56 PM
Has Butterball ever been contacted about a turkey neck stuck up someones butt? I have a few questions.
 
2012-11-21 12:27:12 PM

mryoop789: When I dress the turkey, how do I know if it's a boy or a girl?


I disabled the Smart and Funny buttons.
Please add a vote for this one, kwame.
 
2012-11-21 12:28:32 PM
How many questions do you get regarding dry testicles?
 
2012-11-21 12:28:47 PM

generalDisdain: Please add a vote for this one, kwame.


Will do.
 
2012-11-21 12:29:00 PM
Remember that scene from A Christmas Story where Ralphie's mom was making a turkey but left the room for a second and then the neighbor's dogs ran through the house and destroyed the turkey before the dad was able to shoo them away so the family had to go to a Chinese restaurant and ordered duck and the Chinese staff tried to sing Deck the Halls. That was hilarious, wasn't it?
 
2012-11-21 12:29:19 PM
Years ago when we were really into bad drugs, we kicked around the idea of injecting the turkey with morphine.

Ask them how many cc's of morphine per pound.
 
2012-11-21 12:29:23 PM

Ponzholio: mryoop789: When I dress the turkey, how do I know if it's a boy or a girl?

And how to you get the f*cking hat to stay on?


Staples, dude.
 
2012-11-21 12:30:05 PM
Upvoted.
 
2012-11-21 12:30:16 PM
Can you see me? I can see you.
 
2012-11-21 12:30:17 PM

Ponzholio: Remember that scene from A Christmas Story where Ralphie's mom was making a turkey but left the room for a second and then the neighbor's dogs ran through the house and destroyed the turkey before the dad was able to shoo them away so the family had to go to a Chinese restaurant and ordered duck and the Chinese staff tried to sing Deck the Halls. That was hilarious, wasn't it?


lol
 
2012-11-21 12:31:31 PM
Benjamin Franklin wanted our national bird to be the turkey. Will my local tea party think I'm a communist for eating this turkey and thereby dismissing our founding fathers?
 
2012-11-21 12:31:35 PM

Ponzholio: Remember that scene from A Christmas Story where Ralphie's mom was making a turkey but left the room for a second and then the neighbor's dogs ran through the house and destroyed the turkey before the dad was able to shoo them away so the family had to go to a Chinese restaurant and ordered duck and the Chinese staff tried to sing Deck the Halls. That was hilarious, wasn't it?


okay, that got a vote from me
 
2012-11-21 12:32:33 PM

EviLincoln: kwame: From their site:

Over the years, the Butterball® Turkey Talk-Line experts have solved some puzzling turkey situations, like which pan to use, what to do when the turkey is on fire, and when to start roasting the turkey so it's ready by halftime.

???????

That seems like a question firemanbuck would best address.


Wait until the proper amount of doneness is achieved and then blow it out....just like a marshmellow
 
2012-11-21 12:32:41 PM
I heard you secretly make tofurkey. Is it make from turkey?
 
2012-11-21 12:34:26 PM
And, red.
 
2012-11-21 12:34:38 PM
Is there a more politically correct name for them than "turkeys?" My cousin is bringing over her Muslim boyfriend and I don't want to offend him.
 
2012-11-21 12:34:43 PM
I can only laugh so much through my nose before snot comes out.
 
2012-11-21 12:34:52 PM
Say you just picked up a turkey and then ask the best way to kill it. Then squawk.
 
2012-11-21 12:35:09 PM

Spoon over Marin: And, red.


Dammit fark. You're no fun.
 
2012-11-21 12:35:18 PM
How do I burn a turkey to ensure that only female firefighters respond?
 
2012-11-21 12:35:52 PM
Are the turkeys I see in the woods now and then butterball turkey's? How do you wrangle them?
 
2012-11-21 12:37:10 PM
Can you eat 50 hard boiled eggs in an hour?
 
2012-11-21 12:37:32 PM
Boo. This should have gone green.

Totes greensies.
 
2012-11-21 12:38:41 PM
Do you deliver? I'd like one turkey for tomorrow around noon. They come cooked right?
 
2012-11-21 12:38:49 PM
I don't have enough money to buy a turkey. So if I go outside with my pellet gun and kill about 15 robins, pluck them and mush them all together, would the same cooking rules apply?
 
2012-11-21 12:39:06 PM

mryoop789: Boo. This should have gone green.

Totes greensies.


inorite?
 
2012-11-21 12:39:14 PM
Do you guys hate the nice mennonite guy who sold us our sustainably raised free range organic turkey?
 
2012-11-21 12:41:15 PM

generalDisdain: How do I burn a turkey to ensure that only female firefighters respond?


We actually have a tool called a "hose strap".....my brain is hurting trying to work that into a funny response...

/fail
 
2012-11-21 12:41:38 PM
Kwame- sign up for google voice and enable recording in settings. Then you just hit 4 on your phone during the call and it will record. You can download it as a mp3.
 
2012-11-21 12:44:15 PM
I want to feed the neighborhood so I am boiling turkeys in my hot tub. What's the ideal temp for this? Can you estimate how much salt and butter I should add to the water?
 
2012-11-21 12:45:04 PM

firemanbuck: generalDisdain: How do I burn a turkey to ensure that only female firefighters respond?

We actually have a tool called a "hose strap".....my brain is hurting trying to work that into a funny response...

/fail


I don't have the balls to search fetish sites for a female firefighter dominatrix. At least not yet... ;)
 
2012-11-21 12:45:27 PM
Also ask them how you should cook your turkey if you want your so to watch katy pervy with you while giving you an handrew jackson during the elmo scene, a blowie during the rhianna scene and to bang you while calling you daddy during the lady gaga scene.
 
2012-11-21 12:47:30 PM
Well, Kwame, that was fun. I look forward to the followup.
 
2012-11-21 12:47:32 PM

kwame: imapirate: This. Green this thing.

I can always wait and let voting go on for the rest of the afternoon if they choose to. This was meant to be internal fun, but if the doors are thrown open, so be it.


If it does get greened, just take the best 5 every hour and call
 
2012-11-21 12:49:31 PM

NickelP: Kwame- sign up for google voice and enable recording in settings. Then you just hit 4 on your phone during the call and it will record. You can download it as a mp3.


Ugh, I have to set up a Google Voice account and allow it access to my contacts on my phone. I think I'll just have to take notes and report back in text.
 
2012-11-21 12:51:05 PM

kwame: NickelP: Kwame- sign up for google voice and enable recording in settings. Then you just hit 4 on your phone during the call and it will record. You can download it as a mp3.

Ugh, I have to set up a Google Voice account and allow it access to my contacts on my phone. I think I'll just have to take notes and report back in text.


Just register on the computer and add your cell number. Initiate the call on the computer and it will ring your phone i think.
 
2012-11-21 12:55:27 PM

NickelP: Just register on the computer and add your cell number. Initiate the call on the computer and it will ring your phone i think.


Yes, but that then registers my number with Google, and I don't see any assurance that the number won't end up being shared. Not to be difficult, but I hate sharing my personal line when I don't have to.
 
2012-11-21 12:56:23 PM
My great aunt Irene insists that Butterball turkeys were named after a scene from Last Tango In Paris.
 
I have no reason to doubt her outside the fact that she is a raging alcoholic biatch, hellbent on mythos.
 
Can you set the record straight for me nice turkey lady?
 
2012-11-21 12:56:44 PM
I love this thread.
 
2012-11-21 12:58:48 PM

brap: My great aunt Irene insists that Butterball turkeys were named after a scene from Last Tango In Paris.
 
I have no reason to doubt her outside the fact that she is a raging alcoholic biatch, hellbent on mythos.
 
Can you set the record straight for me nice turkey lady?


UN RED THIS THREAD! YOU CAN DO IT! MAKE IT GREEN!
 
2012-11-21 01:02:04 PM
Remember when people used to call each other "Turkey" or "Jive Turkey" as the ultimate insult?
 
Did your P.R. firm turn that around?  Kudos to you and your crack team of "turkey boosters."  Did you know that Benjamin Franklin wanted the wild turkey to be the national symbol rather than the bald eagle?
 
Let's start a petition to make the Butterball Turkey (TM) the national symbol.
 
Now there's a bird I could salute!
 
 
I have written a new national anthem, feel free to use it in your promotions.
 
Hail hail Butterball
Best and juiciest turkey of them all
Under thy waving snood
Freedom is the prominant mood
When thine enemies see the fearsome bird popping its pop-up thermometer
Who will deny the predmominanter
of moods
Hail thy waving snooooooood.
 
Butterball to thine be true
dry or brined and deep fried too
Thank you Jesus for this food
Thank you to those who are not rude
Pass the biscuits for I must sop
The succulent gravy of freedom, every drop.
 
2012-11-21 01:02:34 PM
"My ring came off inside the bird and I didn't realize it until it was in the oven. Should I take it out now and dig for the ring, or will that mess up the timing?"
 
2012-11-21 01:03:56 PM

kwame: NickelP: Just register on the computer and add your cell number. Initiate the call on the computer and it will ring your phone i think.

Yes, but that then registers my number with Google, and I don't see any assurance that the number won't end up being shared. Not to be difficult, but I hate sharing my personal line when I don't have to.


NM that only works for incoming calls anyway. Figure out a way to do this for around $10 and I will pay for it.
 
2012-11-21 01:06:25 PM
I love you guys
 
2012-11-21 01:12:35 PM

whizbang: KingKauff: UN RED THIS THREAD! YOU CAN DO IT! MAKE IT GREEN!

OK who do I have to fark


Yourself
 
2012-11-21 01:12:40 PM

DVDave: "My ring came off inside the bird and I didn't realize it until it was in the oven. Should I take it out now and dig for the ring, or will that mess up the timing?"


That's actually pretty hilarious.
 
2012-11-21 01:20:48 PM

kwame: DVDave: "My ring came off inside the bird and I didn't realize it until it was in the oven. Should I take it out now and dig for the ring, or will that mess up the timing?"

That's actually pretty hilarious.


Sorry I was late to the party. I got stuck doing actual work for 45 minutes.
 
2012-11-21 01:24:50 PM

kwame: DVDave: "My ring came off inside the bird and I didn't realize it until it was in the oven. Should I take it out now and dig for the ring, or will that mess up the timing?"

That's actually pretty hilarious.


Change it to an engagement ring for the caller's GF for added hilarity.
 
2012-11-21 01:30:57 PM

MBK: "Can I stuff the turkey with a smaller turkey so I can enjoy turkey while I'm enjoying turkey?"


You inspired me to make this. Thank you.
i1325.photobucket.com
 
2012-11-21 01:39:15 PM
son of a b*tch.

They don't give you the option to wait for a "home economist." Just bump you to a pre-recorded selection of FAQs and tell you to try again another time.

I'll keep trying later. Will post a followup thread if it goes through.
 
2012-11-21 01:46:34 PM

kwame: son of a b*tch.

They don't give you the option to wait for a "home economist." Just bump you to a pre-recorded selection of FAQs and tell you to try again another time.

I'll keep trying later. Will post a followup thread if it goes through.


Want this to stay TFD, or would it be cool if it went green?
 
2012-11-21 01:47:27 PM

Moderator: kwame: son of a b*tch.

They don't give you the option to wait for a "home economist." Just bump you to a pre-recorded selection of FAQs and tell you to try again another time.

I'll keep trying later. Will post a followup thread if it goes through.

Want this to stay TFD, or would it be cool if it went green?


GREEN!
 
2012-11-21 01:48:57 PM

Moderator: kwame: son of a b*tch.

They don't give you the option to wait for a "home economist." Just bump you to a pre-recorded selection of FAQs and tell you to try again another time.

I'll keep trying later. Will post a followup thread if it goes through.

Want this to stay TFD, or would it be cool if it went green?


Green!
 
2012-11-21 01:51:29 PM

Moderator: Want this to stay TFD, or would it be cool if it went green?


Green is fun. Since the call line is overloaded right now, more time for funny submissions would be a good way to kill time. Thanks!
 
2012-11-21 01:51:57 PM
Thanks Moderator/Admins!
 
2012-11-21 01:53:08 PM
kwame has a gift for greens.
 
MBK [TotalFark]
2012-11-21 01:57:15 PM
Kinda sucks that we can't vote until the thread goes green.
 
2012-11-21 01:58:05 PM

MBK: Kinda sucks that we can't vote until the thread goes green.


A whole two more minutes.
 
2012-11-21 02:00:27 PM
So, I had an unfortunate traffic incident on the way home from the store and wasn't able to get all of the gravel and glass shards from the windshield out of the turkey, but I don't want my wife to know about this or she'll leave me again. I can't afford to buy another turkey, but I was able to mold one out of instant mashed potatoes and cardboard. Is there some kind of turkey seasoning I can use to make it taste right?

Also, we're planning on deep frying the fake potato turkey this year, and it's never gone well. Can gravy be used for a burn salve before the ambulances arrive?
 
2012-11-21 02:01:30 PM
I want to support Sir Paul McCartney in his 'No Turkey' campaign. Do you sell Tofurkey I could prepare for my family? And is it okay to lie and tell them it's really a turkey?
 
2012-11-21 02:03:38 PM
"We cooked and started to eat a Pregnant Turkey. Are we going to DIE?!?!?!


cdn.ebaumsworld.com
Pregnant Turkey.....

/pops
 
2012-11-21 02:05:51 PM
Let me understand, you've got the turkey, the hen and the tom. The tom goes with the hen. Who's having sex with the turkey?!
 
2012-11-21 02:06:12 PM

Ceteris Paribus says: Turkeys CAN fly.


As God as my witness, I believe that to be true
 
2012-11-21 02:08:56 PM

ChipNASA: "We cooked and started to eat a Pregnant Turkey. Are we going to DIE?!?!?!


[cdn.ebaumsworld.com image 160x120]
Pregnant Turkey.....
/pops


That was pretty funny, but that turkey was burned to sh*t.....
 
2012-11-21 02:08:58 PM
I accidentally cooked the turkey inside the wrapper. It's all melted and stuck to the turkey now, but I wasn't planning on eating the skin anyway, so is it safe to eat?
 
2012-11-21 02:09:23 PM
"What size beer can should I use for making Beer Can Turkey? Two ounces per pound is what my alcoholic uncle has suggested."
 
2012-11-21 02:10:29 PM
I'm sure you get this question all the time but, who is your favorite Doobie Brother?
 
2012-11-21 02:10:57 PM
"Just how many people who've called you today have referenced The West Wing?"
 
2012-11-21 02:11:15 PM
How much bacon should be used to envelope the turkey?
 
2012-11-21 02:11:16 PM
I bought a Budderball turkey from the back of a pickup truck. Do you occasionally make typos on your packaging? Also, why are the cooking directions in Chinese?
 
2012-11-21 02:12:00 PM

whizbang: [imageshack.us image 850x1241]


Are you just a fan of Pig Destroyer, or are you in one of these bands. If its the latter, can I throw fake vomit and blood on you, or perhaps pelt you with severed baby doll limbs.
 
2012-11-21 02:12:12 PM
Should I pack summer or winter clothes, and is it Istanbul or Constantinople now?
 
2012-11-21 02:13:39 PM
"If I cook it too slow to kill, will the maggots get the hint and crawl out by themselves? I don't think I have time to pick them out one by one."
 
2012-11-21 02:13:49 PM
"My family is hosting a Hawaiian Thanksgiving this year. How deep should I dig the pit in my yard and how much diesel fuel should I pour in the pit before burying my turkey?"
 
2012-11-21 02:14:20 PM
Woo! Way to go Kwamster!
 
2012-11-21 02:14:51 PM
I noticed that another company makes a one whole chicken in a can.
Do you offer anything similar? I think I'd like that.
 
2012-11-21 02:15:25 PM
"My son hid his marijuana stash inside the turkey. I think I got it all. How much weed do you have to ingest before it starts to affect you?"
 
2012-11-21 02:15:40 PM
I think my turkey's faulty. I clearly got the bigger half of the wishbone, but my sister's wish came true instead of mine. Am I eligible for a refund?
 
2012-11-21 02:16:09 PM
Has your company ever considered using bald eagles? It could be labeled as 'a limited edition ultra american thanksgiving' campaign. This could be a huge money maker.
 
2012-11-21 02:17:36 PM
"My brother-in-law is quite the outdoorsman! He's taken a turkey, stuffed it into a deer, and stuffed that deer into a black bear. How many tons of charcoal do you believe I'll need for the beardeerkey to reach proper temperature?"
 
2012-11-21 02:17:55 PM
"Is your company Armenians? Why did the Turkeys do that to you? Does Turkeycide make up for it or are you still bitter?"
 
2012-11-21 02:18:29 PM
I'm Armenian. "Turkey" is not a very nice word in my experience.

Can we please change the name of this bird to something else?
 
2012-11-21 02:18:38 PM
Where can I find my turkey's serial number?

Is it like cooking a racoon?
 
2012-11-21 02:19:02 PM
I set out my turkey to defrost last night. Now my parrot is huddled in the corner of his cage, staring at the turkey, not saying anything. I think he has gone catatonic.. Can you recommend a good bird therapist?
 
2012-11-21 02:19:28 PM
The deep fryer instructions say to use 3 gallons of oil for my sized turkey, but should I use 10W40 or 10W30?
 
2012-11-21 02:20:08 PM
Okay I've prepared the THC butter and stuffed my turkey with delicious nuggets, what is the optimum temperature at which to cook the bird to make sure I get really freaking high while I'm eating it?
 
2012-11-21 02:20:45 PM
"I don't like cooking. Do you offer any kind of turnkey turkey solutions? Hey, you could just call it a TurnKey! Do I get royalties for coming up with that? Hello?"
 
2012-11-21 02:21:08 PM
If you were a hot dog turkey, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?

Would you eat the moon if it were made of ribs turkey?
 
2012-11-21 02:21:28 PM
How long does it take to broil a 14lb turkey?
 
2012-11-21 02:23:20 PM
The turkey won't stop struggling long enough for me to get it in the pot. Would you recommend stabbing it in the neck or somewhere else? I don't want to damage the good meat.
 
2012-11-21 02:24:19 PM
My in-laws dropped the turkey in the dog's water bowl. I said I'd have the ham. My sister-in-law said I'd eat the turkey and like it.
1. Do I have to eat the turkey?
2. Will I like it?

/This actually happened--the first time I met them (when I was still dating my now wife).
 
2012-11-21 02:26:00 PM
"You mean I have to *bake* this thing? As god is my witness... I thought turkeys could fry."
 
2012-11-21 02:27:02 PM
"May I speak to Doctor Kevorkian please?"
 
2012-11-21 02:27:38 PM
What's the secret to picking up a 7-10 split when turkey bowling?
 
2012-11-21 02:27:41 PM
How do I know this isn't actually a really big chicken or a really small emu?
I don't want to eat an emu, because I think all the other emus would know. You know?
And might want revenge.
I ate goose when I was small, and when I was in college the goose used to chase me all the way to class if I so much as walked near the pond. I ended up having to park at the stadium and take the bus after that.

I'm already in bad with the chickens for various reasons.
 
2012-11-21 02:28:49 PM
Do turkeys have souls?
 
2012-11-21 02:29:25 PM
Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.
 
2012-11-21 02:30:04 PM
What is the best way to remove the raw turkey from a small child's head?
 
2012-11-21 02:30:09 PM
"Do you know where I can get a RealTurkey doll?"
 
2012-11-21 02:30:43 PM
Do they eat turkey in Turkey?
 
2012-11-21 02:31:47 PM
I misread the defrost time and am trying to speed it up with a coat of Icyhot. How much do I need to apply for a 13lb bird?
 
2012-11-21 02:31:49 PM

Balchinian: Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.



*totalfark dot jpeg*
 
2012-11-21 02:32:08 PM

Balchinian: Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.


www.sitcomsonline.com
 
2012-11-21 02:33:09 PM
What's a turkey?
 
2012-11-21 02:33:09 PM

Balchinian: Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.


How does it feel to be a boring funsucker? :(
 
2012-11-21 02:33:42 PM
"I'm calling about the job? You see, I'm not the Turkey Plucker, I'm the Turkey Plucker's son, but my daddy told me to Pluck your Turkey's until the day is done. If you've got some Turkeys, then I'm the Pluckin' One, man cause I'm not the Turkey Plucker, but its time I Plucked at least one."
 
2012-11-21 02:34:21 PM

Balchinian: Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.


Apparently you've never called a GameStop and asked for BattleToads with everyone else....
 
2012-11-21 02:34:27 PM
I won a bet, but now my foot is stuck in the turkey. Should I try to kick it off or lube up my foot?
 
2012-11-21 02:34:50 PM

Balchinian: Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.


And this is why we don't normally give you TFD threads to play with.
 
2012-11-21 02:35:09 PM
If you drop a 20 pound turkey from 500 feet up, barring any weather effects and given that terminal velocity is a constant, how long before it would hit the ground like a sack of wet cement? Please show your work.
 
2012-11-21 02:35:11 PM
I attempted to take my frozen bird on a flight recently and was detained by the TSA, as I refused to allow the bird to go through the "naked screen image" scanner. Should I have continued to ask the TSA to pat down the bird, or can i pass it through the scanner multiple times and thereby cook the bird in the security line?
 
2012-11-21 02:35:19 PM

Balchinian: Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.


i279.photobucket.com
 
2012-11-21 02:36:09 PM

Ponzholio: Why did you change it from Constantinople?


Winner.
 
2012-11-21 02:36:18 PM
Will Butterball sponsor my band?
 
2012-11-21 02:37:09 PM
Is it true that you can use a tazer to dethaw a turkey? How many shocks before it starts cooking it?
 
2012-11-21 02:37:44 PM
I'm new to this 'vegetarian' lifestyle... is there any part of the turkey that is acceptable for vegetarians?
 
2012-11-21 02:38:09 PM

Balchinian: Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.


I think we should ask the Butterball person this very serious question.

/ in a deadpan voice.
 
2012-11-21 02:38:36 PM

imapirate: Benjamin Franklin wanted our national bird to be the turkey. Will my local tea party think I'm a communist for eating this turkey and thereby dismissing our founding fathers?


The turkey you will be eating is a farm raised, chemical infested white turkey. Not the wild turkey dear Ben wanted. So, you should be safe.
 
2012-11-21 02:39:20 PM
I like that kwame can't record it because he's making the calls from work.
 
2012-11-21 02:39:26 PM

Spoon over Marin: Is is safe to put one on your head like Mr. Bean?


Along these lines: *MMgggmmmppp Nmmmpppoo Uhg Gggmmmm rrmmmm phmmmmng FFFFF MMM HNNNDD!


*How Do I Get this thing OFF MY HEAD!
 
2012-11-21 02:39:54 PM
Oh god this thread is hysterical. Makes me consider signing back up for TF, just for the holiday hijinks(tm).
 
2012-11-21 02:39:59 PM
how long before i get sick from eating your product?
 
2012-11-21 02:40:05 PM

Sofa King Smart: I'm new to this 'vegetarian' lifestyle... is there any part of the turkey that is acceptable for vegetarians?



*Applause*
 
2012-11-21 02:41:35 PM

myschief: Is it true that you can use a tazer to dethaw a turkey? How many shocks before it starts cooking it?


If your turkey is still in the freezer while you taze it, it will never thaw out.
 
2012-11-21 02:42:20 PM
True story:
My mom broke her toe one Thanksgiving getting the turkey out of the freezer and dropped it on said toe. That same year, as she's carving the turkey, she sliced her finger open and had to get stitches.
 
2012-11-21 02:42:29 PM
Is the bathtub a good place to deep fry my turkey.?
 
2012-11-21 02:43:12 PM
i277.photobucket.com 
How does one stuff the......?

i277.photobucket.com 

pffffff!
 
2012-11-21 02:43:16 PM

DVDave: kwame: DVDave: "My ring came off inside the bird and I didn't realize it until it was in the oven. Should I take it out now and dig for the ring, or will that mess up the timing?"

That's actually pretty hilarious.

Sorry I was late to the party. I got stuck doing actual work for 45 minutes.


Working on the day before Thanksgiving? THat's un-American!
 
2012-11-21 02:43:19 PM
Have you considered changing your name to Margerineball to market yourself to the more health-conscious?
 
2012-11-21 02:43:52 PM
Is glitter edible?
 
2012-11-21 02:44:15 PM
My doctor has put me on an all liquid diet. What is the most effective way to liquidate my turkey so that I too can enjoy the holidays with my family. Will doing so cut the cholesterol in it so that Uncle Jerry can also partake?
 
2012-11-21 02:44:18 PM
I'm not much of a drinker, and I'm allergic to grapes.
Can you recommend a nice gourmet soda to go with my feast?
I'd prefer it to be one of the Big K or Sam's Choice type brands, since I don't like supporting giant companies like Coke. However, it can't be Shasta, That whole "I want a pop, pop, pop" incesty jingle thing still creeps me out.
 
2012-11-21 02:44:26 PM
I tried breeding a turkey and a duck to make a turducken, but all I have is lots of poultry semen and awkward silence. What am I doing wrong?
 
2012-11-21 02:45:51 PM

Balchinian: Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.


If you don't get it, you don't get it.

That said, do you know where you are?
 
2012-11-21 02:46:49 PM
"What cup size are your turkey's breasts? I can't find a bra that will fit."
 
2012-11-21 02:46:51 PM
I managed to breed a rooster with a turkey, but the offspring are all male.
Would your company be interested in marketing these little cock gobblers?
 
2012-11-21 02:47:21 PM
My turkey has really really long legs. Do you ever get an Ostrich mixed in by accident?
 
2012-11-21 02:47:41 PM
I'd like to make my own turkey dogs for the holidays. I cant get the lips and a**holes at my local grocer. Can I get them strait from you for next year? You must have mountains of them.
 
2012-11-21 02:47:52 PM

Tziva: I like that kwame can't record it because he's making the calls from work.



plus recording phone calls, depending on what state you're in versus the law of the state the unwitting person is in, may violate state or federal laws, if the person isn't told they are being recorded. this is why businesses have the "this call may be recorded for [quality assurance / training / security / insert excuse] purposes", so that you are put on notice you are being recorded.

some states say only one person has to know they're being recorded, others say both persons have to know.

if you don't believe me, go ask Linda Tripp.
 
2012-11-21 02:48:00 PM
Someone broke into my house and stole my turkey. I bought a Turkey Insurance policy from State Farm, and I would like to know how to cash that in. The approximate value of the turkey was $1,765.00. Why so much? Oh, I had it bedazzled to match my centerpiece.
 
2012-11-21 02:48:09 PM
My Turkey is talking jive, do you have an interpreter?
 
2012-11-21 02:48:26 PM
How does the wishbone work?
 
2012-11-21 02:48:39 PM
Thank you for your time Mr Esch,
It appears that your move to include mixed martial arts initially had bad effects on your fighting and then your overall fighting improved, would you agree with that statement?
 
2012-11-21 02:51:29 PM
If I brine my turkey in 5-hr energy will it still make me sleepy when I eat it?
 
2012-11-21 02:51:32 PM

whizbang: Ras-Algethi: If you drop a 20 pound turkey from 500 feet up, barring any weather effects and given that terminal velocity is a constant, how long before it would hit the ground

That's terrible. THERE MIGHT BE A SMALL CHILD OR BABBY THERE !


I ONCE SAW A BABBY CRUSHED BECAUSE A 20 LB TURKEY WAS DROPPED FROM 500 FEET UP, ON A PERFECTLY CALM DAY AND WITHOUT ANYTHING TO STOP ITS EVER INCREASING TERMINAL VELOCITY!!

~Reported~
 
2012-11-21 02:52:23 PM

whizbang: Ras-Algethi: If you drop a 20 pound turkey from 500 feet up, barring any weather effects and given that terminal velocity is a constant, how long before it would hit the ground

That's terrible. THERE MIGHT BE A SMALL CHILD OR BABBY THERE !



It's ok, Turkeys are kinda squishy, If a man can go over the falls and sometimes be ok, I'm sure a child could ride a turkey the same way.

and if they get hurt... well they were inside a turkey... what did they expect?
 
2012-11-21 02:53:49 PM
I have to make yams & cranberry salad for 16 people tomorrow. I am not one to cook much but here's to hoping for the best.
 
2012-11-21 02:54:38 PM

ConConHead: Have you considered changing your name to Margerineball to market yourself to the more health-conscious?


I Can't Believe
It's Not
Butterball!
 
2012-11-21 02:54:39 PM
I have a 20 lb turkey that is 17.5 inches long. My roasting pan is only 17 inches long. Which end should I shave the 1/2 inch from, and would it be better if I did so thawed or frozen?  What can I do with the removed portion?
 
2012-11-21 02:56:18 PM
If I cook a turkey in an orifice that is 98.6 degrees, how long per pound will it take to cook?
 
2012-11-21 02:58:40 PM
What are you wearing? You'll have to speak up too, I'm wearing a towel.
 
2012-11-21 03:01:15 PM
I'm a horrible cook, and I know no one will like my turkey, so I'm going to mix ground up cannibus into my stuffing so my guests will have the munchies, and not know how bad my turkey is. How much should I mix into my dressing to make a 20Lb turkey taste good?
 
2012-11-21 03:01:35 PM
I'm about to drop my frozen turkey into the oil on my stove but I can't find the directions on the package for for how long it takes to deep fry a frozen turkey. Wait hold on.

HEY HONEY I'VE GOT THEM ON THE PHONE NOW DON'T DROP THAT IN JUST YET. NO I SAID DON'T.

OK so how long should we cook it?

option: begin screaming then hang up
 
2012-11-21 03:03:13 PM

Ras-Algethi: "My son hid his marijuana stash inside the turkey. I think I got it all. How much weed do you have to ingest before it starts to affect you?whoa... my hands..."

 
2012-11-21 03:04:49 PM
I bought two turkeys for the festival.
One of your Butterbean brand turkeys and one from Tyson.
I'm worried that the oven won't be big enough for the both of them.
but If I pull this off they should come out super tender right?
 
2012-11-21 03:06:28 PM
Is there a safer way to eat a turkey? I keep getting drumstick burns behind my ears.
 
2012-11-21 03:07:08 PM

deansnose: Is there a safer way to eat a turkey? I keep getting drumstick burns behind my ears.


lol
 
2012-11-21 03:07:58 PM
What is the best not-expensive wine to serve with a turkey dinner.
 
2012-11-21 03:10:02 PM
Why do you have to harass the call center workers on their second busiest day of the year? They don't come to your work and slap the dick out of your mouth, to use an overused phrase.
 
2012-11-21 03:12:43 PM

ubermensch: Why do you have to harass the call center workers on their second busiest day of the year? They don't come to your work and slap the dick out of your mouth, to use an overused phrase.


It wouldn't be over used if it weren't true! ;)
 
2012-11-21 03:14:27 PM

ubermensch: Why do you have to harass the call center workers on their second busiest day of the year? They don't come to your work and slap the dick out of your mouth, to use an overused phrase.


They should. I'm very bad at my job.
 
2012-11-21 03:17:20 PM

EviLincoln: Adjective Bird Whiskey: Do you think this turkey would make a suitable sacrifice to appease the creature that lives in the lake by my house? If not, how many would you recommend?

You have one of those too?


Was thinking the same thing. Still not sure what to offer it. Turkey just seems a little bland for such a creature.

And I'd really like to know the answer to this questions.
 
2012-11-21 03:18:03 PM

Tziva: I like that kwame can't record it because he's making the calls from work.


I'm at a university the day before Thanksgiving, so it's dead in here.

Has everyone sufficiently beat up on the moron who doesn't think this is fun?
 
2012-11-21 03:19:49 PM

Texas Gabe: What is the best not-expensive wine to serve with a turkey dinner.



Opus One.
 
2012-11-21 03:22:21 PM

kwame: Has everyone sufficiently beat up on the moron who doesn't think this is fun?


No. Nothing is sufficient.
 
2012-11-21 03:23:54 PM

kwame: Tziva: I like that kwame can't record it because he's making the calls from work.

I'm at a university the day before Thanksgiving, so it's dead in here.

Has everyone sufficiently beat up on the moron who doesn't think this is fun?


No, not nearly enough yet.

Also, the dick-slapper comment from ubermunch-
how do you know this wouldn't be a welcome repose?
 
2012-11-21 03:23:54 PM
Made it to a wait for the next expert. Estimated wait: five minutes
 
2012-11-21 03:24:09 PM
How many minutes on HIGH do I have to cook it? My microwave is 1300 Watts.
 
2012-11-21 03:29:27 PM

kwame: Made it to a wait for the next expert. Estimated wait: five minutes


*pee anxious dance*
 
2012-11-21 03:29:32 PM
I recently saved a lot of money to buy a Real Doll, how should I clean her off after rubbing the raw turkey on her?
 
2012-11-21 03:31:23 PM

Balchinian: Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.


matthewscottbaker.com
 
2012-11-21 03:32:53 PM
Turkey Expert (an older sounding lady - didn't give her name): "Hi, what's your question?"

Me: "I caught my teenage son doing something inappropriate with the turkey after I thawed it out. I've rinsed out the cavity..."

TE: "You're not calling with a serious turkey question, are you?"

Me: "Well I just wanted to know if..."

TE (in mom voice): "What state are you calling from?"

Me: "uh. tennessee"

TE: OK, well you have a nice holiday.

...that was a total letdown
 
2012-11-21 03:34:04 PM

kwame: Turkey Expert (an older sounding lady - didn't give her name): "Hi, what's your question?"

Me: "I caught my teenage son doing something inappropriate with the turkey after I thawed it out. I've rinsed out the cavity..."

TE: "You're not calling with a serious turkey question, are you?"

Me: "Well I just wanted to know if..."

TE (in mom voice): "What state are you calling from?"

Me: "uh. tennessee"

TE: OK, well you have a nice holiday.

...that was a total letdown


I wonder what state would have made that more plausible for her.
 
2012-11-21 03:34:33 PM
*sad trombone*
 
2012-11-21 03:35:12 PM

kwame: Turkey Expert (an older sounding lady - didn't give her name): "Hi, what's your question?"

Me: "I caught my teenage son doing something inappropriate with the turkey after I thawed it out. I've rinsed out the cavity..."

TE: "You're not calling with a serious turkey question, are you?"

Me: "Well I just wanted to know if..."

TE (in mom voice): "What state are you calling from?"

Me: "uh. tennessee"

TE: OK, well you have a nice holiday.

...that was a total letdown


I would just like to say that I appreciate your idea and effort, good sir. This thread has been quite amusing on a very boring day.
 
2012-11-21 03:37:48 PM

jadeblue: kwame: Turkey Expert (an older sounding lady - didn't give her name): "Hi, what's your question?"

Me: "I caught my teenage son doing something inappropriate with the turkey after I thawed it out. I've rinsed out the cavity..."

TE: "You're not calling with a serious turkey question, are you?"

Me: "Well I just wanted to know if..."

TE (in mom voice): "What state are you calling from?"

Me: "uh. tennessee"

TE: OK, well you have a nice holiday.

...that was a total letdown

I wonder what state would have made that more plausible for her.


Florida.
 
2012-11-21 03:38:55 PM

kwame: ...that was a total letdown


Only 4 more calls to make!
 
2012-11-21 03:40:50 PM

kwame: TE (in mom voice): "What state are you calling from?"


Lol, I can hear it now.
 
2012-11-21 03:42:35 PM
Is there anyway to tan the turkey skin?

I want a turkey skin wallet.
 
2012-11-21 03:43:30 PM

The Angry Hand of God: I would just like to say that I appreciate your idea and effort, good sir. This thread has been quite amusing on a very boring day.


Honestly, I think coming up with the questions was always going to be the most entertaining part of this. And I really should have known they're probably used to getting prank calls.
 
2012-11-21 03:44:09 PM
Is there a way I can prepare to turkey to make sure that only white meat comes out?
 
2012-11-21 03:48:46 PM
So what happens when the same woman answers the phone for the next question?
 
2012-11-21 03:48:51 PM
Never let them know you're from Tennessee, it destroys any shred of credibility.
 
2012-11-21 03:51:53 PM
Next time you call, use a British accent.
 
2012-11-21 03:53:39 PM

CatherineM: Do I have to cook the turkey twice as long if I forgot to defrost it?


The crazy thing is that you can cook a turkey from frozen. Takes alot longer to do, but supposedly it does ok. I would think that it would come out pretty dry, but who knows. We deep fry ours and for a 14lb bird it takes about 45mins. Can't beat that.
 
2012-11-21 03:54:22 PM
I have a stainless steel sink but the turkey I bought only uses about a quarter of that volume. Should I still use the sink to deep fry it or is that a waste of oil?
 
2012-11-21 03:56:19 PM

kwame: The Angry Hand of God: I would just like to say that I appreciate your idea and effort, good sir. This thread has been quite amusing on a very boring day.

Honestly, I think coming up with the questions was always going to be the most entertaining part of this. And I really should have known they're probably used to getting prank calls.


Yeah, hearing everyone's ideas is really the best part.
 
2012-11-21 03:57:48 PM
Aw mom....

Regardless, thanks for the great holiday thread, it's made my afternoon.
 
2012-11-21 03:59:32 PM

Balchinian: Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.


It's similar to how you've been trolling fark for years now, so you should not have a problem relating.
 
2012-11-21 04:01:00 PM
*shakes tiny fist at whizbang*

Whelp there goes my productivity for the month... ha.
 
2012-11-21 04:01:16 PM

kwame: Turkey Expert (an older sounding lady - didn't give her name): "Hi, what's your question?"

Me: "I caught my teenage son doing something inappropriate with the turkey after I thawed it out. I've rinsed out the cavity..."

TE: "You're not calling with a serious turkey question, are you?"

Me: "Well I just wanted to know if..."

TE (in mom voice): "What state are you calling from?"

Me: "uh. tennessee"

TE: OK, well you have a nice holiday.

...that was a total letdown


I just want you to know that I'm in line at sam's club, and now people are trying to look at my phone to see what's so funny. Bravo, sir.
 
2012-11-21 04:04:35 PM
I've heard that the best Thanksgiving turkey is Cayman. How does one best prepare turkey that's been Cayman?
 
2012-11-21 04:04:54 PM

whizbang: Thelyphthoric: Aw mom....

Regardless, thanks for the great holiday thread, it's made my afternoon.

Also, now you're sponsored.


How the heck did I manage to thank you before you said that? Weird. Holiday miracle I guess. Thanks again.
 
2012-11-21 04:05:48 PM

imapirate: I just want you to know that I'm in line at sam's club, and now people are trying to look at my phone to see what's so funny. Bravo, sir.


Haha that's great.
 
2012-11-21 04:09:06 PM
"...How do I, How do I, How.d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-do I cook him...(slight pause) Gangnam Style?" (kicking into the full break down of the hook and playing as much of the song as they can tollerate from there).

Hehe, I love overly referenced pop-culture. My only second would be legitmate questions to the backing track of "Ice Ice Baby" (as covereed by Queen).
 
2012-11-21 04:10:36 PM

imapirate: I just want you to know that I'm in line at sam's club, and now people are trying to look at my phone to see what's so funny. Bravo, sir.


Ew, Sam's Club?

*flashes Costco card*

*flies away*
 
2012-11-21 04:11:10 PM
True story: I just realized that my Butterball doesn't have a thermometer in it's breast.

So...where is it?
 
2012-11-21 04:11:26 PM
I sponsored a few people that I thought were funny. Enjoy.

Maybe I'll come back later and do a few more.
 
2012-11-21 04:13:10 PM

RockSquirrel: So...where is it?


the butt
 
2012-11-21 04:13:39 PM

myschief: I sponsored a few people that I thought were funny. Enjoy.

Maybe I'll come back later and do a few more.



ooh! oooh! oooooh! pick me! pick me! pick me pick me pick me pick me!
 
2012-11-21 04:16:05 PM
How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if I put my 14 pound bird in the oven at 400?
 
2012-11-21 04:17:17 PM
Is there a reason the thermometer y'all include is like my girlfriend's nipple? When it pops up, it's time to eat.
 
2012-11-21 04:23:10 PM

kwame: RockSquirrel: So...where is it?

How about in the butt, Bob?


FTFY
 
2012-11-21 04:25:23 PM
I think I just shot one of the presidential pardoned turkeys, am I going to jail?
 
2012-11-21 04:25:33 PM
Good job, kwame. Kudos.
 
2012-11-21 04:26:28 PM
I live in Hawaii. How long does it take to cook a 14-lb. turkey in lava?
 
2012-11-21 04:26:31 PM

ConConHead: Next time you call, use a British accent.


Back in my days of tech support, we had a guy who would answer calls periodically with an English accent. He actually got caught once, when he came back from putting a guy on hold and resumed speaking normally.

"Um, didn't you have a British accent a minute ago?"
 
2012-11-21 04:27:36 PM

kwame: RockSquirrel: So...where is it?

the butt


Mine or your's?!
 
2012-11-21 04:30:52 PM

kwame: Turkey Expert (an older sounding lady - didn't give her name): "Hi, what's your question?"

Me: "I caught my teenage son doing something inappropriate with the turkey after I thawed it out. I've rinsed out the cavity..."

TE: "You're not calling with a serious turkey question, are you?"

Me: "Well I just wanted to know if..."

TE (in mom voice): "What state are you calling from?"

Me: "uh. tennessee"

TE: OK, well you have a nice holiday.

...that was a total letdown


Try again with the next best suggestion.... or the next best 'plausible' suggestion...
 
2012-11-21 04:33:34 PM
That was a great smackdown from the Turkey Expert
 
2012-11-21 04:40:37 PM

myschief: I sponsored a few people that I thought were funny. Enjoy.

Maybe I'll come back later and do a few more.


If I was one of those, thank you so very much, you made my whole day!
 
2012-11-21 04:50:48 PM
There is a welcome thread in TF Discussion for anyone that was just sponsored.
 
2012-11-21 04:54:17 PM
Do you like movies about gladiators?
 
2012-11-21 04:56:07 PM

myschief: There is a welcome thread in TF Discussion for anyone that was just sponsored.


 
This is a masterful bit of ballot stuffing. 
 
I would lodge a formal complaint if it weren't my plan to steal this ruse for the next votable gag thread.
 
Until next time myschief, until next time.
 
- Impotently shakes fist in the air.
 
2012-11-21 05:03:37 PM

I May Be Crazy But...: Do you like movies about gladiators?


2.bp.blogspot.com

Nice Turkey!

Thanks, I just had it stuffed!
 
2012-11-21 05:07:29 PM

Balchinian: Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.


+1
 
2012-11-21 05:09:35 PM

myschief: I sponsored a few people that I thought were funny. Enjoy.

Maybe I'll come back later and do a few more.


If that was you Thanks! Have a great holiday!
 
2012-11-21 05:26:50 PM

rickythepenguin: myschief: I sponsored a few people that I thought were funny. Enjoy.

Maybe I'll come back later and do a few more.


ooh! oooh! oooooh! pick me! pick me! pick me pick me pick me pick me!


I TRIED THAT BEFORE YOU HUSSY.

i dont know why you're a hussy you just are okay
 
2012-11-21 05:51:34 PM

kwame: For the next hour, give me any questions you'd like about preparing turkey. After the hour is up, I will call the 1-800-Butterball hotline and ask the top five questions. Top questions will be selected by voting using the "Funny" button.

I'll take notes and report their answers back as soon as I finish the call.


Hey, when did President Bartlett sign up for Fark? ;)
 
2012-11-21 06:03:37 PM
My oven must have been open for a while before I put the bird in. When it had been about an hour, a horrible burning hair smell started emanating from the oven. I opened it and found a dead mouse roasted in the bottom. So, is a mouse smoked turkey safe to eat, and how do i get my cat to forgive me for ruining the dinner she was making for HER family?
 
2012-11-21 06:09:53 PM

myschief: How can I get the turkey to taste like ham? Everybody in my house likes ham better.


Use a ham brine. The brine i use makes the turkey taste a little hammy, but in a good way, but im sure the spices could be adjusted to make it taste like ham flavored turkey.
 
2012-11-21 06:50:11 PM

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: I tried breeding a turkey and a duck to make a turducken, but all I have is lots of poultry semen and awkward silence. What am I doing wrong?


I think I worked in that lab once...
 
2012-11-21 07:45:35 PM
Can babby et' turn'key?
 
2012-11-21 08:33:48 PM

Boeheimian Rhapsody: Is there a way I can prepare to turkey to make sure that only white meat comes out of the oven?


Depends, how do you prepare to turkey usually? Like this?

The Turkey Shot Out of the Oven
by Jack Prelutsky

The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air.
It knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows.
It totally coated the floor.
There was turkey attached to the ceiling
where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance.
It smeared every saucer and bowl.
There wasn't a way I could stop it.
That turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure
and thought with chagrin as I mopped
that I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.
 
2012-11-21 08:40:46 PM

Delay: Boeheimian Rhapsody: Is there a way I can prepare to turkey to make sure that only white meat comes out of the oven?

Depends, how do you prepare to turkey usually? Like this?

The Turkey Shot Out of the Oven
by Jack Prelutsky

The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air.
It knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows.
It totally coated the floor.
There was turkey attached to the ceiling
where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance.
It smeared every saucer and bowl.
There wasn't a way I could stop it.
That turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure
and thought with chagrin as I mopped
that I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.


I'm stealing this for tomorrow.
My husbands 13 year old nephew is cooking the turkey this year (Yes,he's a total spoiled brat) and I'm nervous about eating it.
Who knows, it may be the best turkey ever.
It was in the oven about an hour ago. I hope we don't end up eating ashes tomorrow.
Happy Thanksgiving! 
Pray for me please.
 
2012-11-21 08:42:06 PM

SuperChuck: That was a great smackdown from the Turkey Expert


Truly was!
 
2012-11-21 09:48:00 PM
Kwame, funny stuff. Thank you, after 9 hours of holiday driving I needed this.

Frankly, the fact that you were busted by the experienced butterball lady is the funniest possible outcome. :)
 
2012-11-21 09:55:01 PM

kwame: CommieTaoist: I caught my teenage son doing something inappropriate with the turkey after I thawed it out. I've rinsed out the cavity and gave him a stern talking to but is it still safe to eat?

that said, this sh*t is funny


Oh dude, ditto. I'm in tears after reading this.
 
2012-11-21 11:47:50 PM
Do you prefer launching turkeys with compressed air, or giant slingshot?
 
2012-11-22 02:03:25 AM

buckler: I live in Hawaii. How long does it take to cook a 14-lb. turkey in lava?


This guy I work with probably knows...
 
2012-11-22 02:24:24 AM
If im smuggling hashish out of your 'country' , (just a little for personal use...and maybe some to sell to friends), do I have to tape brick after brick of it to my rather hirsute chest?
If I then get caught and sentenced to a lengthy prison stay as a result of diplomatic tensions between your 'country' and the USA ,will my ass be passed around the prison yard like a box of Baklava? What if I said please?
 
2012-11-22 03:38:27 AM
As I sat in my bed with stomach flu, I had little joy at the thought of missing thanksgiving dinner... However, this thread has brought such joy to my pathetic existance. Thank you
 
2012-11-22 04:04:05 AM

Bad Man: kwame: TE (in mom voice): "What state are you calling from?"

Lol, I can hear it now.


When I have obvious idiots calling for job interviews... I imagine I have the *exact same* tone in my voice when I ask "so we'd like you to send us a resume..." knowing that is never actually going to happen.

*That* said, when someone's entertaining, I talk to them for the f--k of it (as long as my boss is busy in her office). A few folks have had a sense of humor enough to convince me to schedule an interview... not many, but some.

Also, what the f--k, never thought I'd say this sincerely, but thanks, Kwame.

Granted I just had an hour + argument with the SO about Dr Who continuity so my night could only go up from there.

/YEAH FOUR DAY WEEKEND BIATCHES
//I can HAVE a hour + argument about Dr Who continuity (logical leaps of faith != continuity errors unless that leap of faith requires a complete violation of continutiy godDAMMIT... (you can argue that it's stupid and illogical but continuity breaking, no, as long as they actually give at least a half-assed attempt to address the new continuity) anyway, go vacation
///and SO is asleep so I win!
 
2012-11-22 10:49:48 AM
When I worked at KFC during high school, more than once I got a call from some kid asking "how large are your breasts?" I just went along with it and said "38D."
 
2012-11-22 10:55:47 AM
"Can I use the same cooking directions for a 20lb turkey as I would say... a small toddler?"
 
2012-11-22 02:38:12 PM

Super Chronic: When I worked at KFC during high school, more than once I got a call from some kid asking "how large are your breasts?" I just went along with it and said "38D."


Pics or it didn't....well, you know.
 
2012-11-22 09:26:55 PM

not_an_indigo: Super Chronic: When I worked at KFC during high school, more than once I got a call from some kid asking "how large are your breasts?" I just went along with it and said "38D."

Pics or it didn't....well, you know.


I'm a dude. But I'm inching closer and closer to actual 38D territory now that I'm in my 40s.
 
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