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(Fark)   How about a little pre-Thanksgiving fun? DIT   (fark.com) divider line 369
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4864 clicks; posted to Main » on 21 Nov 2012 at 2:00 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-11-21 05:51:34 PM

kwame: For the next hour, give me any questions you'd like about preparing turkey. After the hour is up, I will call the 1-800-Butterball hotline and ask the top five questions. Top questions will be selected by voting using the "Funny" button.

I'll take notes and report their answers back as soon as I finish the call.


Hey, when did President Bartlett sign up for Fark? ;)
 
2012-11-21 06:03:37 PM
My oven must have been open for a while before I put the bird in. When it had been about an hour, a horrible burning hair smell started emanating from the oven. I opened it and found a dead mouse roasted in the bottom. So, is a mouse smoked turkey safe to eat, and how do i get my cat to forgive me for ruining the dinner she was making for HER family?
 
2012-11-21 06:09:53 PM

myschief: How can I get the turkey to taste like ham? Everybody in my house likes ham better.


Use a ham brine. The brine i use makes the turkey taste a little hammy, but in a good way, but im sure the spices could be adjusted to make it taste like ham flavored turkey.
 
2012-11-21 06:50:11 PM

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: I tried breeding a turkey and a duck to make a turducken, but all I have is lots of poultry semen and awkward silence. What am I doing wrong?


I think I worked in that lab once...
 
2012-11-21 07:45:35 PM
Can babby et' turn'key?
 
2012-11-21 08:33:48 PM

Boeheimian Rhapsody: Is there a way I can prepare to turkey to make sure that only white meat comes out of the oven?


Depends, how do you prepare to turkey usually? Like this?

The Turkey Shot Out of the Oven
by Jack Prelutsky

The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air.
It knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows.
It totally coated the floor.
There was turkey attached to the ceiling
where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance.
It smeared every saucer and bowl.
There wasn't a way I could stop it.
That turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure
and thought with chagrin as I mopped
that I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.
 
2012-11-21 08:40:46 PM

Delay: Boeheimian Rhapsody: Is there a way I can prepare to turkey to make sure that only white meat comes out of the oven?

Depends, how do you prepare to turkey usually? Like this?

The Turkey Shot Out of the Oven
by Jack Prelutsky

The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air.
It knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows.
It totally coated the floor.
There was turkey attached to the ceiling
where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance.
It smeared every saucer and bowl.
There wasn't a way I could stop it.
That turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure
and thought with chagrin as I mopped
that I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.


I'm stealing this for tomorrow.
My husbands 13 year old nephew is cooking the turkey this year (Yes,he's a total spoiled brat) and I'm nervous about eating it.
Who knows, it may be the best turkey ever.
It was in the oven about an hour ago. I hope we don't end up eating ashes tomorrow.
Happy Thanksgiving! 
Pray for me please.
 
2012-11-21 08:42:06 PM

SuperChuck: That was a great smackdown from the Turkey Expert


Truly was!
 
2012-11-21 09:48:00 PM
Kwame, funny stuff. Thank you, after 9 hours of holiday driving I needed this.

Frankly, the fact that you were busted by the experienced butterball lady is the funniest possible outcome. :)
 
2012-11-21 09:55:01 PM

kwame: CommieTaoist: I caught my teenage son doing something inappropriate with the turkey after I thawed it out. I've rinsed out the cavity and gave him a stern talking to but is it still safe to eat?

that said, this sh*t is funny


Oh dude, ditto. I'm in tears after reading this.
 
2012-11-21 11:47:50 PM
Do you prefer launching turkeys with compressed air, or giant slingshot?
 
2012-11-22 02:03:25 AM

buckler: I live in Hawaii. How long does it take to cook a 14-lb. turkey in lava?


This guy I work with probably knows...
 
2012-11-22 02:24:24 AM
If im smuggling hashish out of your 'country' , (just a little for personal use...and maybe some to sell to friends), do I have to tape brick after brick of it to my rather hirsute chest?
If I then get caught and sentenced to a lengthy prison stay as a result of diplomatic tensions between your 'country' and the USA ,will my ass be passed around the prison yard like a box of Baklava? What if I said please?
 
2012-11-22 03:38:27 AM
As I sat in my bed with stomach flu, I had little joy at the thought of missing thanksgiving dinner... However, this thread has brought such joy to my pathetic existance. Thank you
 
2012-11-22 04:04:05 AM

Bad Man: kwame: TE (in mom voice): "What state are you calling from?"

Lol, I can hear it now.


When I have obvious idiots calling for job interviews... I imagine I have the *exact same* tone in my voice when I ask "so we'd like you to send us a resume..." knowing that is never actually going to happen.

*That* said, when someone's entertaining, I talk to them for the f--k of it (as long as my boss is busy in her office). A few folks have had a sense of humor enough to convince me to schedule an interview... not many, but some.

Also, what the f--k, never thought I'd say this sincerely, but thanks, Kwame.

Granted I just had an hour + argument with the SO about Dr Who continuity so my night could only go up from there.

/YEAH FOUR DAY WEEKEND BIATCHES
//I can HAVE a hour + argument about Dr Who continuity (logical leaps of faith != continuity errors unless that leap of faith requires a complete violation of continutiy godDAMMIT... (you can argue that it's stupid and illogical but continuity breaking, no, as long as they actually give at least a half-assed attempt to address the new continuity) anyway, go vacation
///and SO is asleep so I win!
 
2012-11-22 10:49:48 AM
When I worked at KFC during high school, more than once I got a call from some kid asking "how large are your breasts?" I just went along with it and said "38D."
 
2012-11-22 10:55:47 AM
"Can I use the same cooking directions for a 20lb turkey as I would say... a small toddler?"
 
2012-11-22 02:38:12 PM

Super Chronic: When I worked at KFC during high school, more than once I got a call from some kid asking "how large are your breasts?" I just went along with it and said "38D."


Pics or it didn't....well, you know.
 
2012-11-22 09:26:55 PM

not_an_indigo: Super Chronic: When I worked at KFC during high school, more than once I got a call from some kid asking "how large are your breasts?" I just went along with it and said "38D."

Pics or it didn't....well, you know.


I'm a dude. But I'm inching closer and closer to actual 38D territory now that I'm in my 40s.
 
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