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(Fark)   How about a little pre-Thanksgiving fun? DIT   (fark.com) divider line 369
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4864 clicks; posted to Main » on 21 Nov 2012 at 2:00 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-11-21 02:39:20 PM  
I like that kwame can't record it because he's making the calls from work.
 
2012-11-21 02:39:26 PM  

Spoon over Marin: Is is safe to put one on your head like Mr. Bean?


Along these lines: *MMgggmmmppp Nmmmpppoo Uhg Gggmmmm rrmmmm phmmmmng FFFFF MMM HNNNDD!


*How Do I Get this thing OFF MY HEAD!
 
2012-11-21 02:39:54 PM  
Oh god this thread is hysterical. Makes me consider signing back up for TF, just for the holiday hijinks(tm).
 
2012-11-21 02:39:59 PM  
how long before i get sick from eating your product?
 
2012-11-21 02:40:05 PM  

Sofa King Smart: I'm new to this 'vegetarian' lifestyle... is there any part of the turkey that is acceptable for vegetarians?



*Applause*
 
2012-11-21 02:41:35 PM  

myschief: Is it true that you can use a tazer to dethaw a turkey? How many shocks before it starts cooking it?


If your turkey is still in the freezer while you taze it, it will never thaw out.
 
2012-11-21 02:42:20 PM  
True story:
My mom broke her toe one Thanksgiving getting the turkey out of the freezer and dropped it on said toe. That same year, as she's carving the turkey, she sliced her finger open and had to get stitches.
 
2012-11-21 02:42:29 PM  
Is the bathtub a good place to deep fry my turkey.?
 
2012-11-21 02:43:12 PM  
i277.photobucket.com 
How does one stuff the......?

i277.photobucket.com 

pffffff!
 
2012-11-21 02:43:16 PM  

DVDave: kwame: DVDave: "My ring came off inside the bird and I didn't realize it until it was in the oven. Should I take it out now and dig for the ring, or will that mess up the timing?"

That's actually pretty hilarious.

Sorry I was late to the party. I got stuck doing actual work for 45 minutes.


Working on the day before Thanksgiving? THat's un-American!
 
2012-11-21 02:43:19 PM  
Have you considered changing your name to Margerineball to market yourself to the more health-conscious?
 
2012-11-21 02:43:52 PM  
Is glitter edible?
 
2012-11-21 02:44:15 PM  
My doctor has put me on an all liquid diet. What is the most effective way to liquidate my turkey so that I too can enjoy the holidays with my family. Will doing so cut the cholesterol in it so that Uncle Jerry can also partake?
 
2012-11-21 02:44:18 PM  
I'm not much of a drinker, and I'm allergic to grapes.
Can you recommend a nice gourmet soda to go with my feast?
I'd prefer it to be one of the Big K or Sam's Choice type brands, since I don't like supporting giant companies like Coke. However, it can't be Shasta, That whole "I want a pop, pop, pop" incesty jingle thing still creeps me out.
 
2012-11-21 02:44:26 PM  
I tried breeding a turkey and a duck to make a turducken, but all I have is lots of poultry semen and awkward silence. What am I doing wrong?
 
2012-11-21 02:45:51 PM  

Balchinian: Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.


If you don't get it, you don't get it.

That said, do you know where you are?
 
2012-11-21 02:46:49 PM  
"What cup size are your turkey's breasts? I can't find a bra that will fit."
 
2012-11-21 02:46:51 PM  
I managed to breed a rooster with a turkey, but the offspring are all male.
Would your company be interested in marketing these little cock gobblers?
 
2012-11-21 02:47:21 PM  
My turkey has really really long legs. Do you ever get an Ostrich mixed in by accident?
 
2012-11-21 02:47:41 PM  
I'd like to make my own turkey dogs for the holidays. I cant get the lips and a**holes at my local grocer. Can I get them strait from you for next year? You must have mountains of them.
 
2012-11-21 02:47:52 PM  

Tziva: I like that kwame can't record it because he's making the calls from work.



plus recording phone calls, depending on what state you're in versus the law of the state the unwitting person is in, may violate state or federal laws, if the person isn't told they are being recorded. this is why businesses have the "this call may be recorded for [quality assurance / training / security / insert excuse] purposes", so that you are put on notice you are being recorded.

some states say only one person has to know they're being recorded, others say both persons have to know.

if you don't believe me, go ask Linda Tripp.
 
2012-11-21 02:48:00 PM  
Someone broke into my house and stole my turkey. I bought a Turkey Insurance policy from State Farm, and I would like to know how to cash that in. The approximate value of the turkey was $1,765.00. Why so much? Oh, I had it bedazzled to match my centerpiece.
 
2012-11-21 02:48:09 PM  
My Turkey is talking jive, do you have an interpreter?
 
2012-11-21 02:48:26 PM  
How does the wishbone work?
 
2012-11-21 02:48:39 PM  
Thank you for your time Mr Esch,
It appears that your move to include mixed martial arts initially had bad effects on your fighting and then your overall fighting improved, would you agree with that statement?
 
2012-11-21 02:51:29 PM  
If I brine my turkey in 5-hr energy will it still make me sleepy when I eat it?
 
2012-11-21 02:51:32 PM  

whizbang: Ras-Algethi: If you drop a 20 pound turkey from 500 feet up, barring any weather effects and given that terminal velocity is a constant, how long before it would hit the ground

That's terrible. THERE MIGHT BE A SMALL CHILD OR BABBY THERE !


I ONCE SAW A BABBY CRUSHED BECAUSE A 20 LB TURKEY WAS DROPPED FROM 500 FEET UP, ON A PERFECTLY CALM DAY AND WITHOUT ANYTHING TO STOP ITS EVER INCREASING TERMINAL VELOCITY!!

~Reported~
 
2012-11-21 02:52:23 PM  

whizbang: Ras-Algethi: If you drop a 20 pound turkey from 500 feet up, barring any weather effects and given that terminal velocity is a constant, how long before it would hit the ground

That's terrible. THERE MIGHT BE A SMALL CHILD OR BABBY THERE !



It's ok, Turkeys are kinda squishy, If a man can go over the falls and sometimes be ok, I'm sure a child could ride a turkey the same way.

and if they get hurt... well they were inside a turkey... what did they expect?
 
2012-11-21 02:53:49 PM  
I have to make yams & cranberry salad for 16 people tomorrow. I am not one to cook much but here's to hoping for the best.
 
2012-11-21 02:54:38 PM  

ConConHead: Have you considered changing your name to Margerineball to market yourself to the more health-conscious?


I Can't Believe
It's Not
Butterball!
 
2012-11-21 02:54:39 PM  
I have a 20 lb turkey that is 17.5 inches long. My roasting pan is only 17 inches long. Which end should I shave the 1/2 inch from, and would it be better if I did so thawed or frozen?  What can I do with the removed portion?
 
2012-11-21 02:56:18 PM  
If I cook a turkey in an orifice that is 98.6 degrees, how long per pound will it take to cook?
 
2012-11-21 02:58:40 PM  
What are you wearing? You'll have to speak up too, I'm wearing a towel.
 
2012-11-21 03:01:15 PM  
I'm a horrible cook, and I know no one will like my turkey, so I'm going to mix ground up cannibus into my stuffing so my guests will have the munchies, and not know how bad my turkey is. How much should I mix into my dressing to make a 20Lb turkey taste good?
 
2012-11-21 03:01:35 PM  
I'm about to drop my frozen turkey into the oil on my stove but I can't find the directions on the package for for how long it takes to deep fry a frozen turkey. Wait hold on.

HEY HONEY I'VE GOT THEM ON THE PHONE NOW DON'T DROP THAT IN JUST YET. NO I SAID DON'T.

OK so how long should we cook it?

option: begin screaming then hang up
 
2012-11-21 03:03:13 PM  

Ras-Algethi: "My son hid his marijuana stash inside the turkey. I think I got it all. How much weed do you have to ingest before it starts to affect you?whoa... my hands..."

 
2012-11-21 03:04:49 PM  
I bought two turkeys for the festival.
One of your Butterbean brand turkeys and one from Tyson.
I'm worried that the oven won't be big enough for the both of them.
but If I pull this off they should come out super tender right?
 
2012-11-21 03:06:28 PM  
Is there a safer way to eat a turkey? I keep getting drumstick burns behind my ears.
 
2012-11-21 03:07:08 PM  

deansnose: Is there a safer way to eat a turkey? I keep getting drumstick burns behind my ears.


lol
 
2012-11-21 03:07:58 PM  
What is the best not-expensive wine to serve with a turkey dinner.
 
2012-11-21 03:10:02 PM  
Why do you have to harass the call center workers on their second busiest day of the year? They don't come to your work and slap the dick out of your mouth, to use an overused phrase.
 
2012-11-21 03:12:43 PM  

ubermensch: Why do you have to harass the call center workers on their second busiest day of the year? They don't come to your work and slap the dick out of your mouth, to use an overused phrase.


It wouldn't be over used if it weren't true! ;)
 
2012-11-21 03:14:27 PM  

ubermensch: Why do you have to harass the call center workers on their second busiest day of the year? They don't come to your work and slap the dick out of your mouth, to use an overused phrase.


They should. I'm very bad at my job.
 
2012-11-21 03:17:20 PM  

EviLincoln: Adjective Bird Whiskey: Do you think this turkey would make a suitable sacrifice to appease the creature that lives in the lake by my house? If not, how many would you recommend?

You have one of those too?


Was thinking the same thing. Still not sure what to offer it. Turkey just seems a little bland for such a creature.

And I'd really like to know the answer to this questions.
 
2012-11-21 03:18:03 PM  

Tziva: I like that kwame can't record it because he's making the calls from work.


I'm at a university the day before Thanksgiving, so it's dead in here.

Has everyone sufficiently beat up on the moron who doesn't think this is fun?
 
2012-11-21 03:19:49 PM  

Texas Gabe: What is the best not-expensive wine to serve with a turkey dinner.



Opus One.
 
2012-11-21 03:22:21 PM  

kwame: Has everyone sufficiently beat up on the moron who doesn't think this is fun?


No. Nothing is sufficient.
 
2012-11-21 03:23:54 PM  

kwame: Tziva: I like that kwame can't record it because he's making the calls from work.

I'm at a university the day before Thanksgiving, so it's dead in here.

Has everyone sufficiently beat up on the moron who doesn't think this is fun?


No, not nearly enough yet.

Also, the dick-slapper comment from ubermunch-
how do you know this wouldn't be a welcome repose?
 
2012-11-21 03:23:54 PM  
Made it to a wait for the next expert. Estimated wait: five minutes
 
2012-11-21 03:24:09 PM  
How many minutes on HIGH do I have to cook it? My microwave is 1300 Watts.
 
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