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(Fark)   How about a little pre-Thanksgiving fun? DIT   (fark.com) divider line 369
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4868 clicks; posted to Main » on 21 Nov 2012 at 2:00 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-11-21 12:04:31 PM  
I've watched a lot of CSI and while stuffing the turkey, I noticed this turkey very likely died of blunt force trauma to the chest. I'd like to report a turkey murder.
 
2012-11-21 12:04:31 PM  
I have a lot of people coming over for dinner, and figure I need a 30lb bird. Do you have a database or something of stores that still have big birds left?
 
2012-11-21 12:04:39 PM  
Whats the easiest way to make a bong out of a turkey?
 
2012-11-21 12:05:12 PM  

EviLincoln: The cate ate some of the turkey while it was sitting out de-thawing last night, is it still good to cook?


De thawing I love that more than you know
 
2012-11-21 12:05:25 PM  
Well, I've coated the turkey in astro glide just like instructions said. What's the best way to tie the legs up to properly prepare for insertion?
 
2012-11-21 12:05:37 PM  

NickelP: Can you record it on google voice or something? Awesome idea just trying to kick it up a notch.


I'm not sure I know how to do that. I'll have to call on my mobile since I'm at work. Is that something I can do via iphone?
 
2012-11-21 12:05:40 PM  
When drying the wishbone on the window sill, what is the recommended time to allow for maximum wish-granting potential? Should it be left overnight to absorb some of the cosmic magic of the moon?
 
2012-11-21 12:05:47 PM  
Is this turkey loaded with growth hormones? Is the light or dark meat higher in hormones?
 
2012-11-21 12:05:49 PM  
The bag melted around my turkey when I made it in the microwave oven. Can I eat the plastic? If not, what's the best way to get the plastic off the bird? It looks laminated.
 
2012-11-21 12:05:54 PM  
Are turkeys antisemitic? Why do they walk around shouting Goebble Goebbles?
 
2012-11-21 12:05:55 PM  

dhambrick: I have a lot of people coming over for dinner, and figure I need a 30lb bird. Do you have a database or something of stores that still have big birds left?


Try Sesame Street.
 
2012-11-21 12:06:09 PM  
My wife is a vegetarian and I want to trick her into eating this turkey. Could I dye the whole thing green and pass it off as a salad? Would that much food coloring be safe to eat?
 
MBK [TotalFark]
2012-11-21 12:06:28 PM  

vegaswench: Can I brine my turkey in the washing machine?


Not gonna lie, I thought about this last year when I had a 24 lb turkey.

What? I was gonna double bag it so nothing leaks.
 
2012-11-21 12:06:34 PM  
What part of the turkey do I use to make bacon with? I want to make turkey bacon BLT's for Thanksgiving.
 
2012-11-21 12:06:47 PM  
Do you have kids? Write out like 30 escalating questions and have them call. Ie the 'but why' thing
 
2012-11-21 12:06:52 PM  
Turkey make me sleepy & flatulent. If I put coffee grinds in the stuffing will it keep me awake so I won't fart my wife out of the living room?
 
2012-11-21 12:06:55 PM  
I may have to make multiple calls. I'm not sure I could make it to question #3 without laughing.
 
2012-11-21 12:07:00 PM  
I'm a shortstop for the New York Mets. I was wondering if the level of hormones in this turkey might show up in any drug tests I have to take.
 
2012-11-21 12:07:11 PM  
I think Adjective Bird Whiskey's pretty much got this.
 
2012-11-21 12:08:06 PM  
Do I actually have to cook it? It looks pretty good to me as-is.
 
2012-11-21 12:08:15 PM  

NickelP: Do you have kids? Write out like 30 escalating questions and have them call. Ie the 'but why' thing


I have no kids, but I do have some ideas for a few adjustments to the questions:

Adjective Bird Whiskey: My wife is a vegetarian and I want to trick her into eating this turkey.

Is there a way I can make your turkey look like tofurkey?
 
2012-11-21 12:08:21 PM  
Is it legal to put a fez on a turkey?
 
2012-11-21 12:08:40 PM  
Do you know of anybody's wishbone wishes coming true? What if somebody's wish reshaped reality?
 
2012-11-21 12:08:44 PM  

coco ebert: I think Adjective Bird Whiskey's pretty much got this.


hahaha, no question
 
2012-11-21 12:09:41 PM  
Which lube is the best lube for turkey relations?
 
2012-11-21 12:10:11 PM  
That leg looks pretty phallic. Do I need the company's permission to use its product while filming an adult movie?
 
2012-11-21 12:10:13 PM  

kwame: NickelP: Can you record it on google voice or something? Awesome idea just trying to kick it up a notch.

I'm not sure I know how to do that. I'll have to call on my mobile since I'm at work. Is that something I can do via iphone?


It is on android. Can you download google voice for iphone? I think you can actually do this without the app to. Not on a computer but google'google voice record' and i think it is pretty simple. If you havnt done this yet when i get back i will figure it out.
 
2012-11-21 12:10:22 PM  
The chicken goes inside the duck, which then goes in the turkey, right?
 
2012-11-21 12:10:43 PM  
Why can't I just eat it raw? My kitchen is clean.
 
2012-11-21 12:11:16 PM  
Isn't turkey really the other white meat? Why is Butterball letting those pork guys get away with their scam?
 
2012-11-21 12:11:21 PM  
Did turkeys evolve from dinosaurs? My six year old son heard this at school and is terrified that we're forcing him to eat Barney.
 
2012-11-21 12:12:22 PM  
If one train leaves Pittsburgh heading toward New York at 10:30 am travelling at 75 miles per hour and another train leaves New York towards Pittsburgh 15-minutes later travelling at 80 miles per hour, when will the trains meet? Oh, these have to be turkey questions? OK, If one train leaves Pittsburgh carrying a turkey heading toward New York at 10:30 am travelling at 75 miles per hour and another train leaves New York towards Pittsburgh also carrying a turkey 15-minutes later travelling at 80 miles per hour, when will the trains meet?
 
2012-11-21 12:12:32 PM  
Can I put the stuffing in the side-hole?
 
2012-11-21 12:12:51 PM  
I thought Wednesdays were "kwame no work but get blasted on bourbon" days?
 
2012-11-21 12:13:10 PM  

kwame: I may have to make multiple calls. I'm not sure I could make it to question #3 without laughing.


I wouldn't be able to get through any of ABWs questions without losing it.
 
2012-11-21 12:13:14 PM  

themeaningoflifeisnot: Isn't turkey really the other white meat? Why is Butterball letting those pork guys get away with their scam?


Possum is the other white meat....
 
2012-11-21 12:13:36 PM  
How much turkey skin can an average male ingest? Is there a daily limit?
 
2012-11-21 12:13:45 PM  
How do I get the cranberry jello to congeal in the cavity?
 
2012-11-21 12:14:08 PM  
I want to cook my turkey on my car's exhaust manifold. I have to drive 4 hrs to get to grandmas. Will the turkey be done when I get there or should I plan on finishing in the oven?
 
2012-11-21 12:14:17 PM  
Do you think this turkey would make a suitable sacrifice to appease the creature that lives in the lake by my house? If not, how many would you recommend?
 
2012-11-21 12:14:18 PM  

firemanbuck: Can I put the stuffing in the side-hole?


Hahahahahahaaa.
 
2012-11-21 12:15:34 PM  
My turkey kept gobbling and trying to get away so I filled its cavity up with concrete to weigh it down. Should I buy a dead turkey next time?
 
2012-11-21 12:15:37 PM  
Do you give out free Butterball tshirts? I want to get one for my wife for christmas.
 
2012-11-21 12:15:47 PM  
I think this should be greened so we can see tons of ridiculous suggestions.
 
2012-11-21 12:16:22 PM  
I'm making a horror movie and I've noticed hitting one of your turkeys with an axe makes the best "axe to the head" noise. I was just wondering if you guys would be interested in a produce placement deal.
 
2012-11-21 12:16:46 PM  

myschief: I think this should be greened so we can see tons of ridiculous suggestions.


I upvoted.
 
2012-11-21 12:17:10 PM  

Adjective Bird Whiskey: Do you think this turkey would make a suitable sacrifice to appease the creature that lives in the lake by my house? If not, how many would you recommend?


Well, f*ck. My boss wanted to know what I was laughing at.
 
2012-11-21 12:17:23 PM  

Adjective Bird Whiskey: Do you think this turkey would make a suitable sacrifice to appease the creature that lives in the lake by my house? If not, how many would you recommend?


You have one of those too?
 
2012-11-21 12:17:48 PM  
I'm calling to file a complaint. My turkey came with legs, but no feet.
 
2012-11-21 12:18:03 PM  
Really? Some of you used the "smartest" option, and one of you voted for a comment that wasn't even a suggested question? Man, some of you people are dumb.
 
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