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(Fark)   How about a little pre-Thanksgiving fun? DIT   (fark.com) divider line 369
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4861 clicks; posted to Main » on 21 Nov 2012 at 2:00 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-11-21 11:56:22 AM
For the next hour, give me any questions you'd like about preparing turkey. After the hour is up, I will call the 1-800-Butterball hotline and ask the top five questions. Top questions will be selected by voting using the "Funny" button.

I'll take notes and report their answers back as soon as I finish the call.
 
2012-11-21 11:57:29 AM
When I put my penis in the bird, it's unsatisfactory.... Is there a way to tighten up the opening for greater pleasure?
 
2012-11-21 11:57:32 AM
I caught my teenage son doing something inappropriate with the turkey after I thawed it out. I've rinsed out the cavity and gave him a stern talking to but is it still safe to eat?
 
2012-11-21 11:57:46 AM
I am doing legs. Can I boil the roasted bones for stock after the meat is eaten?
 
2012-11-21 11:58:13 AM
Is the turkey penis safe to eat?
 
2012-11-21 11:58:22 AM
Does cooking it get rid of the semen?
 
2012-11-21 11:58:40 AM
I should probably say now that I think it would be smart to not use crude or profane questions. These folks are actually on the job right now.
 
2012-11-21 11:58:41 AM
I accidentally cooked the bag of giblets still inside the bird. Is the bird safe to eat? Can I make gravy from the now-cooked giblets?
 
2012-11-21 11:58:53 AM
Oh sweet Jesus, here we go.
 
2012-11-21 11:58:56 AM
How do I firm up the turkey next for later use?
 
2012-11-21 11:59:31 AM
Turkey NECK damn it.
 
2012-11-21 11:59:36 AM
Let's say I kill a bigfoot in my backyard. What would the cooking/preparation time be in comparison with your delicious Butterball turkeys?

Has anybody ever died eating your product? Do you feel any remorse?

Can I fix the spring in the thermometer in this turkey and reuse it? Is it safe for oral/other insertion?

This turkey was labeled as a 12 lb turkey. I got it home and weighed it and it's closer to thirteen. Where do I send you a check for the difference?
 
2012-11-21 11:59:37 AM
Do I have to pull ALL the feather off? It just seems like a lot of work, could I just shave it instead?
 
2012-11-21 11:59:43 AM

CommieTaoist: I caught my teenage son doing something inappropriate with the turkey after I thawed it out. I've rinsed out the cavity and gave him a stern talking to but is it still safe to eat?


that said, this sh*t is funny
 
2012-11-21 11:59:52 AM

kwame: For the next hour, give me any questions you'd like about preparing turkey. After the hour is up, I will call the 1-800-Butterball hotline and ask the top five questions. Top questions will be selected by voting using the "Funny" button.

I'll take notes and report their answers back as soon as I finish the call.


Can you record it on google voice or something? Awesome idea just trying to kick it up a notch.
 
2012-11-21 12:00:09 PM
Is is safe to put one on your head like Mr. Bean?
 
2012-11-21 12:00:19 PM
Are turkeys prone to use birth control, or should one wear a contraceptive when penetration occurs?
 
2012-11-21 12:00:30 PM
I have decided to cook my turkey in the microwave this year to save time. Is there a way to ensure its moistness?
 
2012-11-21 12:00:32 PM
Was this turkey killed humanely? I hear fear makes the meat taste better. Do you offer a line of turkeys that died violent deaths?
 
2012-11-21 12:00:36 PM
i.chzbgr.com
 
2012-11-21 12:01:00 PM
I'm pretty good at eyeballing when the turkey is done.  Can I remove the pop-up button for use on other cakes, meats, and root vegetables?
 
2012-11-21 12:01:05 PM
Can turkeys fly?
 
2012-11-21 12:01:11 PM
Every year, per tradition, I unzip my pants, put the turkey neck there, and greet our guests. My wife says that the joke has gotten old. Is she right?
 
2012-11-21 12:01:27 PM
Something about the most appropriate number of turkey (mommy) stiches
 
2012-11-21 12:01:33 PM
I bought this turkey and got home and just now noticed the packaging says Butterboll instead of Butterball. Is this a chinese ripoff turkey? Can I still eat it?
 
2012-11-21 12:02:04 PM
How can I get the turkey to taste like ham? Everybody in my house likes ham better.
 
2012-11-21 12:02:05 PM
Turkeys CAN fly.
 
2012-11-21 12:02:14 PM
Do I freeze the giblets before stuffing them up my ass?
 
2012-11-21 12:02:19 PM
How often do I need to let it sit between 5minute intervals in the microwave?
 
2012-11-21 12:02:29 PM
Why did you change it from Constantinople?
 
2012-11-21 12:02:33 PM
Do I have to cook the turkey twice as long if I forgot to defrost it?
 
2012-11-21 12:02:39 PM
Not a question but could you do one call and act like a PETA member Kwame? I bet you could pull it off LIKE A BOSS!
 
2012-11-21 12:02:39 PM
I have a deep-rooted phobia about touching raw meat. I don't have a question as much as I just need you here with me while I put it in the oven. Can you be my rock?
 
2012-11-21 12:02:39 PM
Goddammit, ABW, I'm at work. People are staring.

/farking lol
 
2012-11-21 12:02:49 PM
My turkey has a bag with the liver, heart, and gizzard in it.

What do you do with the snoods?  I could really go for some tasteful snoodity.
 
2012-11-21 12:02:52 PM
My turkey has an extra large hole. Was it a slut? Can turkeys get STDs? How often do turkey's have sex? What does a turkey penis look like?
 
2012-11-21 12:03:07 PM
The cate ate some of the turkey while it was sitting out de-thawing last night, is it still good to cook?
 
2012-11-21 12:03:09 PM
Who cares? I sure don't.
 
MBK [TotalFark]
2012-11-21 12:03:10 PM
"Can I stuff the turkey with a smaller turkey so I can enjoy turkey while I'm enjoying turkey?"
 
2012-11-21 12:03:14 PM
idiotflashback.files.wordpress.com
 
2012-11-21 12:03:35 PM
Fyi do this as 5 calls or the first question will be the only one that counts
 
2012-11-21 12:03:38 PM
Who grants the wishes made when breaking the wishbone?
 
2012-11-21 12:03:45 PM
Can I feed turkey to my dog or will he start chasing birds?
 
2012-11-21 12:03:55 PM
There was a hole in the bottom of the aluminum pan I used to roast the turkey, so I've lost a lot of the juice. Can I use a bottle of wine, or some apple cider to baste the turkey? Is there some other fluid you recommend?
 
2012-11-21 12:04:01 PM

generalDisdain: Do I freeze the giblets before stuffing them up my ass?


Tildo?
 
2012-11-21 12:04:07 PM
Can I brine my turkey in the washing machine?
 
2012-11-21 12:04:13 PM
My wishbone was pre-broken. Can I get a refund?
 
2012-11-21 12:04:19 PM

imapirate: Goddammit, ABW, I'm at work. People are staring.

/farking lol


I was just going to post something to the same effect. So far this nilla ABW gots the best ones~!
 
2012-11-21 12:04:21 PM
Just call up and say "goble goble" over and over again.
 
2012-11-21 12:04:25 PM
What is the minimum oven temperature required to reanimate the bird within 4 hours?
 
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