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(Maxim Magazine)   Maxim sent a bitter, angry drunk to watch all five "Twilight" movies back to back in a crowded theater of Twi-Hards. The result is way more entertaining than the movies could ever hope to be   (maxim.com) divider line 111
    More: Amusing, Taylor Lautner, Dodge Avenger, twilight books, Robert Pattinson, movie theaters, jacob, Kristen Stewart, theaters  
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12523 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 20 Nov 2012 at 7:36 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-11-20 04:46:13 PM  
"The kids in this high school are the whitest people I've ever seen ..."
 
 
Does this dude own a mirror?  Did he think that typing that would somehow magically transform him into Shaft?
 
2012-11-20 05:08:32 PM  

brap: "The kids in this high school are the whitest people I've ever seen ..."


Does this dude own a mirror? Did he think that typing that would somehow magically transform him into Shaft?



"The soundtrack should be called "Songs For Privileged White Teens To Try And Get Their School Counselor's Attention With."

So edgy. I'm willing to bet that some of his best friends are black.
 
2012-11-20 06:28:40 PM  
That was funnier than I expected (seriously, making fun of the Twilight movies has to be the easiest writing assignment ever given) and I particularly liked this part:
The Twilight series seems to have nothing to do with actual vampires. They rarely suck blood, they can appear in sunlight without dying (instead, they sparkle. Farking sparkle!), have a reflection in mirrors and probably are immune to crosses and wooden stakes through the heart. If the Twilight books were about zombies, the undead would be vegans that can run marathons and deliver heartfelt addresses to the U.N.
 
2012-11-20 06:49:29 PM  
Bitter angry drunks are some of my favorite people. Can't wait to read his analysis.

/assumes its a he
 
2012-11-20 06:53:24 PM  
If the Twilight books were about zombies, the undead would be vegans that can run marathons and deliver heartfelt addresses to the U.N.

ok, that's funny
 
2012-11-20 06:56:00 PM  
After dashing off to my car to charge my phone (and scream "fark" at the top of my lungs)...

Hahahahahaha!

I'm with ya, article guy. Although I probably wouldn't mind shirtless Taylor Lautner.
 
2012-11-20 07:05:45 PM  

brap: "The kids in this high school are the whitest people I've ever seen ..."
 
 
Does this dude own a mirror?  Did he think that typing that would somehow magically transform him into Shaft?


Are you referring to the half-Asian guy who wrote this? I doubt he thought he'd transform into a black private dick who's a sex machine for all the chicks. He seems pretty up front about that.
 
2012-11-20 07:18:29 PM  
The one great thing?

It's. Farking. Over! No more movies. No more crap about them or the series. It'll just fade into obscurity like every other fad.
 
2012-11-20 07:19:36 PM  
A writer for Maxim vs Twilight, I'd invest in foam helmets.
 
2012-11-20 07:23:14 PM  
This movie teaches dangerous lessons about what men want in a relationship to impressionable teenage girls, and should be banned immediately.

...says a writer for maxim, without a hint of irony.
 
2012-11-20 07:30:23 PM  
 
2012-11-20 07:34:57 PM  

Ryan2065: scottydoesntknow: The one great thing?

It's. Farking. Over! No more movies. No more crap about them or the series. It'll just fade into obscurity like every other fad.

It's cute that you think that....

"I planned out where it would go for a couple more books," she said. "So, I knew exactly what would happen," of the storyline that involves Jake, played by Taylor Lautner in the films, and Renesmee, played by Mackenzie Foy, following the end of Breaking Dawn.


images.wikia.com
 
2012-11-20 07:39:35 PM  

thomps: This movie teaches dangerous lessons about what men want in a relationship to impressionable teenage girls, and should be banned immediately.

...says a writer for maxim, without a hint of irony.


Good point, but ... while he did write this article for Maxim, he's a freelance writer with several other gigs.

See, I read the tagline.
 
2012-11-20 07:45:36 PM  

timujin: That was funnier than I expected (seriously, making fun of the Twilight movies has to be the easiest writing assignment ever given) and I particularly liked this part:
The Twilight series seems to have nothing to do with actual vampires. They rarely suck blood, they can appear in sunlight without dying (instead, they sparkle. Farking sparkle!), have a reflection in mirrors and probably are immune to crosses and wooden stakes through the heart. If the Twilight books were about zombies, the undead would be vegans that can run marathons and deliver heartfelt addresses to the U.N.


The undead in "Twilight" are better described as Ghouls then anything else.
 
2012-11-20 07:46:06 PM  
I don't get the Twilight hate? I have never read a Twilight book or watched a Twilight movie and I didn't even have to try.
 
2012-11-20 07:46:13 PM  

MadAzza: thomps: This movie teaches dangerous lessons about what men want in a relationship to impressionable teenage girls, and should be banned immediately.

...says a writer for maxim, without a hint of irony.

Good point, but ... while he did write this article for Maxim, he's a freelance writer with several other gigs.

See, I read the tagline.


i'm not sure what that has to do with anything, but if you want something more substantive he also chose the absolute laziest way possible to approach that writing assignment.

do you have a personal relationship with this dude because you are really working hard to defend him?
 
2012-11-20 07:46:19 PM  

Ryan2065: scottydoesntknow: The one great thing?

It's. Farking. Over! No more movies. No more crap about them or the series. It'll just fade into obscurity like every other fad.

It's cute that you think that....

"I planned out where it would go for a couple more books," she said. "So, I knew exactly what would happen," of the storyline that involves Jake, played by Taylor Lautner in the films, and Renesmee, played by Mackenzie Foy, following the end of Breaking Dawn.


You just ruined both Thanksgiving and Christmas. For the rest of our lives.
 
2012-11-20 07:51:38 PM  

Ryan2065: scottydoesntknow: The one great thing?

It's. Farking. Over! No more movies. No more crap about them or the series. It'll just fade into obscurity like every other fad.

It's cute that you think that....

"I planned out where it would go for a couple more books," she said. "So, I knew exactly what would happen," of the storyline that involves Jake, played by Taylor Lautner in the films, and Renesmee, played by Mackenzie Foy, following the end of Breaking Dawn.


Where's Agent 47 when you need him?
 
2012-11-20 07:56:01 PM  
"I realize we didn't get to see Edward's bachelor party. It's just as well - it was probably just him standing in some stripper's bedroom, watching her sleep."

/My chuckle for the day...
 
2012-11-20 07:57:13 PM  

Ryan2065: scottydoesntknow: The one great thing?

It's. Farking. Over! No more movies. No more crap about them or the series. It'll just fade into obscurity like every other fad.

It's cute that you think that....

"I planned out where it would go for a couple more books," she said. "So, I knew exactly what would happen," of the storyline that involves Jake, played by Taylor Lautner in the films, and Renesmee, played by Mackenzie Foy, following the end of Breaking Dawn.


lh6.googleusercontent.com
 
2012-11-20 07:58:27 PM  

brap: "The kids in this high school are the whitest people I've ever seen ..."
 
 
Does this dude own a mirror?  Did he think that typing that would somehow magically transform him into Shaft?


It always strikes me as odd when my fellow caucasians use the phrase "white people" as though they aren't part of that group. Happens on my FB from time to time, and almost daily on Fark.
 
2012-11-20 07:58:52 PM  
I'm pretty over people trying to be cool and edgy by making fun of shiatty teen romance.
 
2012-11-20 08:02:46 PM  
Wow. Edgy.
Look, If I paid $12 for my 14 year old daughter to go see that movie, I will punch you in the farking throat if you're just there to ruin it. If people are into something that doesn't hurt anyone else, live 'em the hell alone.
I don't go down to the pier and slap the dicks out of this guys mouth, so.....
 
2012-11-20 08:02:54 PM  
humorous review, I suppose. I would have used my in between time in less self-hate and more interviewing the twi-hards to find the ones who were 'of age'.

but that's just me.
 
2012-11-20 08:04:25 PM  
And really? Maxim?
I remember reading it when I was 18, but I recently found a copy and felt embarrassed for all the times I quoted something from it back then.
It's just.....it's just awful. The jokes aren't funny and the chicks aren't nude, so why pick it up at all?
 
2012-11-20 08:04:47 PM  
Also, it's Twilight. It has done more to embarrass itself than any pop culture writer ever could. It's trash, and it knows it's trash. Save your faux-angst for something that takes itself seriously, like the next Malick film.
 
2012-11-20 08:05:33 PM  
I larfed out loud a number of times reading that.
 
2012-11-20 08:07:59 PM  
I used to be on Team Edward....until I took an arrow to the knee.
 
2012-11-20 08:09:15 PM  
"The level of estrogen is rising so high that a passing uterus sticks its head in the door to tell the audience to man up. "

Awesome.
 
2012-11-20 08:09:28 PM  
Went to site. Video started that I could not turn off. Buh bye.
 
2012-11-20 08:11:45 PM  

thomps: MadAzza: thomps: This movie teaches dangerous lessons about what men want in a relationship to impressionable teenage girls, and should be banned immediately.

...says a writer for maxim, without a hint of irony.

Good point, but ... while he did write this article for Maxim, he's a freelance writer with several other gigs.

See, I read the tagline.

i'm not sure what that has to do with anything, but if you want something more substantive he also chose the absolute laziest way possible to approach that writing assignment.

do you have a personal relationship with this dude because you are really working hard to defend him?


Nah, just killing time. I have a thing about accuracy, which I admit is pointless around here. And the article was just a light, humorous piece.

I've never seen or read any of the vampire stuff. I find it dull as toast. All of it. But if others are entertained, it doesn't bother me.

I'm done.
 
2012-11-20 08:13:30 PM  

flyinghouse99: I don't get the Twilight hate? I have never read a Twilight book or watched a Twilight movie and I didn't even have to try.


Eh... I think a lot of men don't understand the swooning for Edward / Rpatz and Jacob / TayLautz (I just made that one up but I find it amusing), or they get it and are overwhelmed with insecurity and jealousy that manifests itself as rage.

I've read the books and seen the movies. My "rage," as a woman, stems from fans claiming this is "literature" and a "great love story" when it is neither. It's junk fiction that's horribly written, and it is pure escapist fantasy. The behavior of the lead male and female is odd and borders on emotionally abusive. If I were a mom of a girl reading these books, I'd want to make sure that my daughter understood what a healthy relationship was.

But bottom line, it does a fairly good job of conveying the all-consuming love that I think a lot of women hoped for but didn't get. Kind of. Eh.
 
2012-11-20 08:20:56 PM  

Zombie DJ: Wow. Edgy.
Look, If I paid $12 for my 14 year old daughter to go see that movie, I will punch you in the farking throat if you're just there to ruin it.


If you let your 14 year old daughter miss a day of school for a farking movie marathon, you'd also be a pretty shiatty parent.
 
2012-11-20 08:25:36 PM  

thomps: This movie teaches dangerous lessons about what men want in a relationship to impressionable teenage girls, and should be banned immediately.

...says a writer for maxim, without a hint of irony.


I've read Maxim at my barber's office. I think the formula is to copy Esquire's 40 pages of ads as content but replace Esquire's occasional decent writing with PG-13 photos of women. The rest is nothing but AXE body spray perfume ads.
 
2012-11-20 08:27:29 PM  
I realize we didn't get to see Edward's bachelor party. It's just as well - it was probably just him standing in some stripper's bedroom, watching her sleep.

*snert*
 
2012-11-20 08:27:31 PM  
The level of estrogen is rising so high that a passing uterus sticks its head in the door to tell the audience to man up.

I laughed with delight. But the rest of the review wasn't very funny.
 
2012-11-20 08:29:46 PM  
That pasty fat fark works for Maxim?

Bullshiat.
 
2012-11-20 08:30:50 PM  

Ryan2065: scottydoesntknow: The one great thing?

It's. Farking. Over! No more movies. No more crap about them or the series. It'll just fade into obscurity like every other fad.

It's cute that you think that....

"I planned out where it would go for a couple more books," she said. "So, I knew exactly what would happen," of the storyline that involves Jake, played by Taylor Lautner in the films, and Renesmee, played by Mackenzie Foy, following the end of Breaking Dawn.


Good thing Jim Butcher also writes, at least there's room for comfort.
 
2012-11-20 08:31:16 PM  
I just watched the last one on Graboid. I'm ashamed of this so just shut-up. I read the books (shut-up) and watched the other movies (shut-up). This one wasn't as awful as the others but it wasn't great. Not that I was expecting great. In my defense, I've never seen any of the movies in the theater and thought the last book sucked balls.

I'm so sorry:(

/does it help if I say I'm reading Scott Sigler right now?
 
2012-11-20 08:33:55 PM  

scottydoesntknow: The one great thing?

It's. Farking. Over! No more movies. No more crap about them or the series. It'll just fade into obscurity like every other fad.


Oh, it's not over. Twilight: BSDM For House Fraus Edition will almost certainly get its own movies.
 
2012-11-20 08:34:40 PM  

Canton: scottydoesntknow: The one great thing?

It's. Farking. Over! No more movies. No more crap about them or the series. It'll just fade into obscurity like every other fad.

Oh, it's not over. Twilight: BSDM For House Fraus Edition will almost certainly get its own movies.


Fifty Shades of Sasha Grey?
 
2012-11-20 08:36:26 PM  

Zombie DJ: Wow. Edgy.
Look, If I paid $12 for my 14 year old daughter to go see that movie, I will punch you in the farking throat if you're just there to ruin it. If people are into something that doesn't hurt anyone else, live 'em the hell alone.
I don't go down to the pier and slap the dicks out of this guys mouth, so.....


My rebuttal
 
2012-11-20 08:37:22 PM  

CygnusDarius: Canton: scottydoesntknow: The one great thing?

It's. Farking. Over! No more movies. No more crap about them or the series. It'll just fade into obscurity like every other fad.

Oh, it's not over. Twilight: BSDM For House Fraus Edition will almost certainly get its own movies.

Fifty Shades of Sasha Grey?


Is that her name? I've only read Barnes & Noble sample, so...
 
2012-11-20 08:37:26 PM  
If the Twilight books were about zombies, the undead would be vegans that can run marathons and deliver heartfelt addresses to the U.N.

Something like this then - Zombie Corpse Speaks Out Against Telemarketing Scams
 
2012-11-20 08:37:32 PM  

mialynneb: I just watched the last one on Graboid. I'm ashamed of this so just shut-up. I read the books (shut-up) and watched the other movies (shut-up). This one wasn't as awful as the others but it wasn't great. Not that I was expecting great. In my defense, I've never seen any of the movies in the theater and thought the last book sucked balls.

I'm so sorry:(

/does it help if I say I'm reading Scott Sigler right now?


I... *eye twitch* Forgive you *eye twitch, plus some vein in the forehead*
 
2012-11-20 08:46:53 PM  
And I have been doing it for free this whole time?! FML
 
2012-11-20 08:47:17 PM  
Bitter, angry drunk should stay home and play with his cock and not ruin other people's fun.
 
2012-11-20 08:55:26 PM  
The wedding! Ugh. No one here knows how to party. I want to drag a hemophiliac into the reception and have Edward bite him while everyone chants, "Chug! Chug! Chug!"

Sounds like a vampiric frat party...
 
2012-11-20 08:56:39 PM  

flyinghouse99: I don't get the Twilight hate? I have never read a Twilight book or watched a Twilight movie and I didn't even have to try.


Neither have I but I happen to drive a Volvo similar to one of the ones in the earlier movies. I pulled up to a 7-11 one day and a young girl said "look, he has a twilight car!" That biatch almost got runover. Since that moment I have hated everything that has to do with this farking series (except my car).
 
2012-11-20 09:02:23 PM  
12:35 p.m.
I laugh out loud when Edward calls Bella "my own personal heroin."


it's "Heroine", dumbass.
 
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