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(ESPN)   The Bears are who we thought they were, the Colts may want to reconsider playoffs, and the Jets play to win the game. This is your OFFICIAL Week 12 Power Rankings Thread   ( divider line
    More: Asinine, Jets, playoffs, NFL, bye week, Jamison Hensley, Ryan Tannehill, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Denver Broncos  
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3178 clicks; posted to Sports » on 20 Nov 2012 at 3:05 PM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2012-11-20 04:23:52 PM  
4 votes:

We are gathered here today to celebrate an incredible achievement. A remarkable achievement. A practically implausible achievement, considering no objective observer could have possibly foreseen it taking place in today's NFL. Indeed, a truly stunning one, in which it can hardly be imagined that any team in the NFL would lose to a farking quarterback who threw five Goddamned interceptions and not a single farking touchdown.

But sadly, I digress.

The achievement in question today is one recorded by an incredibly hyped rookie quarterback, not a QB who merely played like one. Today's pigskin hero came into the league as the "best prospect since John Elway," someone who broke all of said horsetoothed gunslinger's collegiate records, a perennial Heisman candidate, made 3 bowls - the Fiesta, Sun, and Orange - and was named the MVP of the latter. Clearly these are all much more sterling stamps of approval than "he won something called the MPC Computers Bowl" and "at least he always managed to beat Notre Dame."

Riding this wave of praise as high as possible into his inaugural season, this week's winner had nonetheless been surrounded by whispers of discontent and the disgruntled suggestions of a fanbase that has at times this year looked with jealousy on another team's freshman selection. Heading into the draft, there was a certain segment of sentiment that perhaps his team shouldn't go with the 2011 Heisman candidate and should instead cast their lot with the 2011 Heisman winner. Ignoring these concerns, the number one pick remained set in stone, much like the ignominy achieved by an offense so farking bad it couldn't cash in on six total turnovers for at least twenty piddling points on Sunday.

However, in fairness, it's not as though that pick has caused serious agita for his team. There have been ebbs and flows in his play, surely, certain weeks have shown him paling in comparison to the sensation known as RG3, but others have showcased a quarterback living up to the promise and potential spoken of in glowing terms during his collegiate career. He hasn't displayed any headcase tendencies to turn into the next Todd Marinovich. It's not as if he dove headfirst into a rapidly dwindling supply of Hostess products and JaMarcus'd himself. Like every quarterback with a surplus of talent who's still finding his footing in a league with an immense learning curve, he's been solid on some weeks, and something less than solid in others. After all, it's not as if he's a veteran with a handful of seasons under his belt who spent the week matching interceptions with years he's been in the NFL.

This week, though, it was a far different story. At least, it was supposed to be. If the previous weeks had been mere study sessions, Week 11 was to be the final exam.

...yeah, logically there's six more weeks to the season after the 11th, but stay with me here.

Stepping onto the frozen field at Foxboro is a daunting challenge for any gunslinger, let alone a rookie, no matter how much raw skill and dazzling possibility they possess. Facing down the fearsome combination of Tom Brady and Bill Belichick on the road is enough to give anyone nightmares, but with the fate of a franchise on your back and wild card playoff hopes hanging in the balance, it's enough to make even massively overrated ACC quarterbacks cry for their mothers.

Nevertheless, starting off it seemed as though the job might be handled relatively well. True, New England had deferred the toss, leaving their prolific offense with a precious possession in their pocket for later, but that was okay. As long as their longtime rivals took care of business, it wouldn't matter. And in fact, things started out sparklingly, with a quick touchdown drive to open the festivities. The rookie was, for the moment, ahead of the decorated legend. A grin quickly spreading across his face, our man thought to himself, "Things might just work out after all. RG3 can eat my Ivy League balls. Matter of fact, on the subject of ridiculously douchetastic nicknames - "

His inner monologue interrupted by the tragically familiar sight of Tom Brady throwing a TD strike straight to Gronk, he took a steady deep breath and grabbed his helmet from the bench. "A shootout it is, then. Let's do this shiat, you buttchinned biatch" was the mindset as he retook the field and confidently sat under center, the ball on a string and 7 more points quickly followed. A 14 to 7 margin in favor of the visitors shone brightly from the scoreboard lights as the first quarter drew to a close, and the airshow promised by the preshow seemed as though it were fully underway. True, his efforts had started getting stymied before the quarter drew to a close and continued into the opening moments of the second frame, but it was fine. "A 3 and out here and there didn't hurt anyone that badly," he figured. "It's not as if this punt is gonna result in the lead being gone quicker than a hype balloon with a first round playoff bye or anything."

The game tied after a 68-yard punt return, this week's winner let out a long sigh and quickly came around to the idea that he'd have to do the job himself. "If the special teams is going to play that poorly," he pondered, "my teammates will need all the Luck they could get. Heh heh I should write that down for later." The search for a pen and paper would have to wait, as a mere 60 seconds were taken off the clock before a stunning pick 6 was flung from the rookie's grasp and taken straight to the house. The lead turned into a deficit, and after an exchange of field goals, halftime came. On the bright side, though, much like a Cardinals team with a fourth quarter lead, the outcome of this game was still very much in doubt.

Sadly, said outcome started being less in doubt immediately after the second half kickoff. A possession in hand for the Brady Bunch is poison for the opposition, and it quickly took effect in the form of a two-TD hole for our protagonist. On the other hand, being at his skill level, it's not as if being down two scores early in the third quarter was some insurmountable hill to climb. They could certainly march all the way back, road game or no road game, QB with an all access pass to Canton already stamped or no. With resolve in his heart, this quarterback figured, "As long as I keep calm and find my open receivers, there's still time to - "

The wind crushed from his lungs, this week's icon rolled helplessly on the ground directly after the ball had fallen on it. A fumble recovered by the opponent and turned into six points in short order, now the lead was 3 touchdowns, 14 of which directly provided by his failures. "Maybe it IS too hard," he darkly ruminated, "maybe I AM not good enough yet." Pushing those black thoughts out of his mind, he ignored the questioning looks of his teammates, refused to acknowledge the dreadlocked wonderboy they were thinking about, gathered them around himself, and took charge of that sideline.

"15 minutes are left on the clock, you know! Stranger things have happened. Hell, earlier this month a black man had been reelected to the White House! It's not as if that means an 0-4 playoff record isn't upcoming for the #1 seed of the NFC this year - some things are just too crazy to imagine - but if that could happen, 3 TDs on an awful Patriot defense are a piece of cake! Let's go win this ballgame!" With new inspiration and the ball firmly in hand, nothing was going to stop him from making his mark this week.

And indeed he did, as it took only one pass attempt to serve his own team a juicy fortyburger. Sitting glumly on the bench, he could only watch as Chef Brady fed him a fiftyburger soon thereafter. 21 Patriot points had come from his bumbling hand, outmatching the 14 points he had provided through the air for his own team. The shootout had turned into a blowout, and on the same week as a perfect game was posted by a certain other QB, no less.

There was no bottom.

With a shrug, he smiled and thought to himself, "Oh well, it could be worse. I could've lead an offense that was outscored by a safety in the playoffs. Time to get ready for the Bills."

For being the first of the 2012 hype twins to reach for this glory, for posting a 66.7 whereas someone else recorded a 158.3, for stepping up admirably where the Arizona Cardinals had so disgustingly failed (and not in the good way, either), I am proud to present The Jake for Week 11 of the 2012 NFL season to Andrew Luck of the Indianapolis Colts.

i63.photobucket.comView Full Size

Andrew, any words?

fantasyfootballsportal.comView Full Size

"I'm just happy I wasn't outscored by Chase Daniel in fantasy football this week!"

Good for you!

2012-11-20 04:07:19 PM  
3 votes:
i.imgur.comView Full Size

2012-11-20 04:23:20 PM  
2 votes:

Treygreen13: Answer key goes up in 10 minutes.


media.tumblr.comView Full Size
2012-11-20 03:39:02 PM  
2 votes:

thecpt: DeltaPunch: kronicfeld: Their blowout loss to the Patriots showed how out of place the Colts look in the playoff picture. (Clayton)

Except that they would get the 6th seed if the playoffs started today, and they have a cake remaining schedule with the exception of Houston.

They're not saying they can't make the playoffs. They're saying they'll get their asses reamed wide open by the first playoff team they see.

So they're the falcons?

profootballmock.comView Full Size
2012-11-20 12:19:41 PM  
2 votes:

i1182.photobucket.comView Full Size

2012-11-20 11:25:13 PM  
1 vote:

neuroflare: RminusQ: ***snip***

Awesome, let's ditch Di's graf Full Size

2012-11-20 05:45:14 PM  
1 vote:
Cardinals and Eagles are on the same trajectory. Which will hit the ground and explode, first?
2012-11-20 05:07:30 PM  
1 vote:

1. "Guess what I have behind my back!"
2. "You guys keep playing; I'm just going to chill here for awhile"
3. "Looks like we've got a badass over here"
2012-11-20 05:06:30 PM  
1 vote:

roc6783: The Bears are a mess, and i love it.

: cries

dletter: The Bears are not that much better than last years edition, especially without Cutler.

: cries more

roc6783: 5 in a row, #1 in the NFC NORTH BIATCHES!!!!11!1!!1!!! Bears and Quitler fans can EABOD

: gives roc the finger

Electromax: I wouldn't put much weight on beating the rapidly fading Bears.

: sobs uncontrollably
2012-11-20 03:34:32 PM  
1 vote:
i280.photobucket.comView Full Size
2012-11-20 03:08:22 PM  
1 vote:
Thanks for moving the green time up, modmins. I take back most of the terrible things I said about you.
2012-11-20 02:45:25 PM  
1 vote:
How, exactly, do they justify spending the entire introduction fellating the Broncos while keeping them at 7?
2012-11-20 02:42:52 PM  
1 vote:
We're a top 15 team, w00t!
2012-11-20 02:13:00 PM  
1 vote:

GAT_00: roc6783: 1 through 16, sure the NFC is better, but not overwhelmingly.

Let's look at it this way: 1 vs 1 matchups, and on playoff standings, not subjective power rankings.

Atlanta vs. Houston
SF vs. Baltimore
GB vs. New England
NY Giants vs. Denver
Chicago vs. Indianapolis
Seattle vs. Pittsburgh
Tampa Bay vs. Cincinnati
Minnesota vs. San Diego
New Orleans vs. Tennessee
Dallas vs. NY Jets
Washington vs. Buffalo
Detroit vs. Miami
Arizona vs. Oakland
St. Louis vs. Cleveland
Philadelphia vs. Jacksonville
Carolina vs. Kansas City

My winners are bolded.

Your picks just reinforce my point that the bottom half of the NFC is better than the bottom half of the AFC, but the playoff caliber teams are pretty equal. Yes, the NFC is better, but not where it matters.

//Also, it kills me that I have no way to argue against GB losing to NE.
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