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(Daily Mail)   One in five men has a secret email account they use to hide correspondence from their partner. In other news, have you checked your ultrafark account lately?   (dailymail.co.uk) divider line 146
    More: Stupid, phishing scam, online banking, e-mails  
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3483 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 Nov 2012 at 11:25 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-11-20 12:02:16 PM
We all know there are no women on the internet
Because I've experienced it

Even I am proud enough not to beg
 
2012-11-20 12:05:44 PM

jst3p: Dimensio: I am too technically inclined and security-conscious to consider giving anyone, even a significant other, access to my email accounts. I cannot comprehend needing a "secret" email account to hide correspondence from a significant other, because any significant other that I would have would have no reason to access my standard email accounts.

This.

I don't have hers and she doesn't have mine. If "trust" requires that you read each others email, well that isn't what I think "trust" looks like.


What if you get hit by a car? Or otherwise not able to make decisions on your own? Can she manage everything without access to those accounts?

/my partner doesn't have any of my accounts either - but I have all userids/passwords/accounts in my safety deposit box which he does have access to in case of emergency
 
2012-11-20 12:10:33 PM
My x-girlfriend seemed to be a little jumpy when I would approach her while she was reading her emails. I asked her about it and we got into an argument. I told her "That's my computer, you seriously think that I don't have you email password?" She flipped out and started trying to explain some rather uncool emails.

/I never had her password or checked her email
/notice I said "x-girlfriend"
 
2012-11-20 12:10:44 PM
Well, I checked. No BIE there....

// cries...
 
2012-11-20 12:11:56 PM

jfivealive: That careful planning, covering your ass, and stress probably cost you more than it was worth.


Pretty much this. Plus, I'm a recovering catholic who has moved well away from the church, BUT with enough vestigial guilt left over that I can honestly say I don't think I would ever consider cheating on my wife. A.) She's awesome and my best friend so I can't see myself ever wanting to and B.) If I actually DID, the stress and guilt of trying to keep it a secret would literally be too much for me to bear.

I don't judge anyone else because consenting adults are going to do whatever consulting adults do. But for ME personally, if I wanted to cheat on my wife, I'd have to seriously look at my reasons for being married in the first place.
 
2012-11-20 12:12:06 PM
hell I bet 1/5 have an email account that they dont know of themselves.
 
2012-11-20 12:13:29 PM

Pontious Pilates: consulting adults


LOL, consulting? CONSENTING, I of course meant.
 
2012-11-20 12:16:13 PM

I May Be Crazy But...: jst3p: If "trust" requires that you read each others email, well that isn't what I think "trust" looks like.

True, dat.


Yep. Never asked for access to an email account of an SO. Never would. It's a slippery slope.
 
2012-11-20 12:25:59 PM
It's never even occurred to me to ask my husband for email passwords or vice versa. I have 2 accounts (I keep one for spam). I assume he has a couple as well, but why would I need access to them?

If you're an adult, in a relationship with an adult, you should make sure to share important information with your partner but, for the rest, respect each other's privacy
 
2012-11-20 12:26:12 PM
There is no reason to share your passwords with anyone while you're still able to log in yourself.

Dead Man's Switch is one way to send an email containing such info to people who need it after you're dead, incapacitated, or incarcerated. 

Digital estate planning is a good idea.
 
2012-11-20 12:27:15 PM
BIE actually exists? I don't know if I believe it.
 
2012-11-20 12:36:43 PM
i758.photobucket.com 

/I can haz BIE plz??
//EIP
 
2012-11-20 12:37:38 PM

Phony_Soldier: I'm fairly certain that ratio is higher for women.


I agree.
 
2012-11-20 12:41:05 PM

thebpem: We all know there are no women on the internet
Because I've experienced it

Even I am proud enough not to beg


Some of us aren't that proud.

www.furrytalk.com
 
2012-11-20 12:49:38 PM

gingerjet: jst3p: Dimensio: I am too technically inclined and security-conscious to consider giving anyone, even a significant other, access to my email accounts. I cannot comprehend needing a "secret" email account to hide correspondence from a significant other, because any significant other that I would have would have no reason to access my standard email accounts.

This.

I don't have hers and she doesn't have mine. If "trust" requires that you read each others email, well that isn't what I think "trust" looks like.

What if you get hit by a car? Or otherwise not able to make decisions on your own? Can she manage everything without access to those accounts?


There is nothing in my personal email she would need.
 
2012-11-20 12:49:48 PM
Me and Mrs Secret have been through multiple fights over passwords and personal accounts. I don't think that it is necessary that she has my passwords to everything (she believes it is) and I don't think that she needs to have my login info for everything (also believes this). There is nothing in my email or Facebook that she needs to fark with, all of the bills and credit stuff go to her account, so why does she need it? Because she is a control freak, like most women.

Hell, we got in a big old brouhaha once when I changed my password (which EVERYONE should do a couple times a year) and didn't let her know right away.

/ I have nothing to hide, I just like to have my own things.
//With 3 kids it is hard to lay claim to anything but bills...
///yeah I know she is kind-of a biotch...
 
2012-11-20 12:54:04 PM

Mrs.Sharpier: ha! as if anyone with an ultrafark account is attractive enough to score some side slaw


Speak for yourself.

I have three- one professional that goes on my resume, one hotmail for my Itunes and Amazon and spam, and everything else goes to my gmail.
 
2012-11-20 12:56:25 PM

kiwimoogle84: Mrs.Sharpier: ha! as if anyone with an ultrafark account is attractive enough to score some side slaw

Speak for yourself.

I have three- one professional that goes on my resume, one hotmail for my Itunes and Amazon and spam, and everything else goes to my gmail.


And if I wanted to be your guy on the side, which on should I send an e-mail to?
 
2012-11-20 01:04:15 PM

I May Be Crazy But...: kiwimoogle84: Mrs.Sharpier: ha! as if anyone with an ultrafark account is attractive enough to score some side slaw

Speak for yourself.

I have three- one professional that goes on my resume, one hotmail for my Itunes and Amazon and spam, and everything else goes to my gmail.

And if I wanted to be your guy on the side, which on should I send an e-mail to?


HA! Gmail. :P

I dated a cop that'd go through my email regularly. I didn't know. We broke up because he printed out six emails, four of which were before we even started dating, and demanded to know who these people were. One time I let him log on my computer and my email was auto signed in. He'd been rifling through my laptop ever since.

Yeah, I'm of the opinion that when you go looking for trouble, it's exactly what you'll find. So I don't do that.
 
2012-11-20 01:06:07 PM
Those who share email passwords, do you also pick up the other phone extension and listen in on your partners' conversations?

Theoretically of course. I don't think I know anyone with a household landline anymore either.

/Or read their text messages?
 
2012-11-20 01:08:56 PM
Oh by the way, in case this thread gets crazy, does anyone have the rules handy?
 
2012-11-20 01:10:30 PM

Trade Secret: Me and Mrs Secret have been through multiple fights over passwords and personal accounts. I don't think that it is necessary that she has my passwords to everything (she believes it is) and I don't think that she needs to have my login info for everything (also believes this). There is nothing in my email or Facebook that she needs to fark with, all of the bills and credit stuff go to her account, so why does she need it? Because she is a control freak, like most women.

Hell, we got in a big old brouhaha once when I changed my password (which EVERYONE should do a couple times a year) and didn't let her know right away.

/ I have nothing to hide, I just like to have my own things.
//With 3 kids it is hard to lay claim to anything but bills...
///yeah I know she is kind-of a biotch...


Marriage therapists agree with your wife. Sorry, but they see everyday what comes of partners opening secret email and other communications accounts. Why do you feel that you have some sort of right to a private email account that your wife cannot see? Marriage isn't about mine and yours, but ours. If you aren't hiding anything, it shouldn't make any difference. All you are accomplishing is to engender distrust in your wife. Sounds like she already has it and you are feeding it. That never leads anything good. If you think you wife is "kind-of a biotch", your marriage isn't going in the right direction and you are vulnerable to an extra-marital affair already. If you love your wife, you need to rethink your position on this. It's only going to be a growing problem if you don't.
 
2012-11-20 01:11:47 PM

kiwimoogle84: Oh by the way, in case this thread gets crazy, does anyone have the rules handy?


Did someone say crazy?

farkbie.com
 
2012-11-20 01:16:06 PM

kiwimoogle84: I May Be Crazy But...: kiwimoogle84: Mrs.Sharpier: ha! as if anyone with an ultrafark account is attractive enough to score some side slaw

Speak for yourself.

I have three- one professional that goes on my resume, one hotmail for my Itunes and Amazon and spam, and everything else goes to my gmail.

And if I wanted to be your guy on the side, which on should I send an e-mail to?

HA! Gmail. :P

I dated a cop that'd go through my email regularly. I didn't know. We broke up because he printed out six emails, four of which were before we even started dating, and demanded to know who these people were. One time I let him log on my computer and my email was auto signed in. He'd been rifling through my laptop ever since.

Yeah, I'm of the opinion that when you go looking for trouble, it's exactly what you'll find. So I don't do that.


I can see how that would lead to a break up. What sort of moron prints out electronic communication? The whole point is that you're not using paper! I guess being overbearing and suspicious and all would be a problem, too.
 
2012-11-20 01:19:10 PM

I May Be Crazy But...: kiwimoogle84: Oh by the way, in case this thread gets crazy, does anyone have the rules handy?

Did someone say crazy?

[farkbie.com image 520x519]


Go crazy? Don't mind if I do!

/not crazy
//mostly
 
2012-11-20 01:20:09 PM

JackieRabbit: Trade Secret: Me and Mrs Secret have been through multiple fights over passwords and personal accounts. I don't think that it is necessary that she has my passwords to everything (she believes it is) and I don't think that she needs to have my login info for everything (also believes this). There is nothing in my email or Facebook that she needs to fark with, all of the bills and credit stuff go to her account, so why does she need it? Because she is a control freak, like most women.

Hell, we got in a big old brouhaha once when I changed my password (which EVERYONE should do a couple times a year) and didn't let her know right away.

/ I have nothing to hide, I just like to have my own things.
//With 3 kids it is hard to lay claim to anything but bills...
///yeah I know she is kind-of a biotch...

Marriage therapists agree with your wife. Sorry, but they see everyday what comes of partners opening secret email and other communications accounts. Why do you feel that you have some sort of right to a private email account that your wife cannot see? Marriage isn't about mine and yours, but ours. If you aren't hiding anything, it shouldn't make any difference. All you are accomplishing is to engender distrust in your wife. Sounds like she already has it and you are feeding it. That never leads anything good. If you think you wife is "kind-of a biotch", your marriage isn't going in the right direction and you are vulnerable to an extra-marital affair already. If you love your wife, you need to rethink your position on this. It's only going to be a growing problem if you don't.


Ehhh, I actually agree with Trade Secret. My late husband and I wrote our passwords and PIN numbers and everything into death letters. We knew where each other's was in case something happened. We didn't have each other's info before that. We had the PIN to our shared checking account but not the personal ones. That was our fun money.

Sometimes there's emails or conversations that won't hurt her. I got an email from a cousin needing help with something very sensitive that she would have been embarassed to have anyone else know about. Plus, we can delete emails, so what's the big deal about having our passwords in the first place?

Here's my thing- if a guy is going to cheat he'll find a way, passwords or no. He'll be more likely to if you're an overbearing slag who wants to know exactly why you took 25 minutes to get home from someplace 10 minutes away.
 
2012-11-20 01:28:00 PM

Trade Secret: Me and Mrs Secret have been through multiple fights over passwords and personal accounts. I don't think that it is necessary that she has my passwords to everything (she believes it is) and I don't think that she needs to have my login info for everything (also believes this). There is nothing in my email or Facebook that she needs to fark with, all of the bills and credit stuff go to her account, so why does she need it? Because she is a control freak, like most women.

Hell, we got in a big old brouhaha once when I changed my password (which EVERYONE should do a couple times a year) and didn't let her know right away.

/ I have nothing to hide, I just like to have my own things.
//With 3 kids it is hard to lay claim to anything but bills...
///yeah I know she is kind-of a biotch...


That sucks. Yeah, I think it would be a totally different matter for me if my wife was *demanding* access to my email. I just couldn't fathom her doing that...any more than I could fathom making any effort at all to keep my password from her. It's just not a "thing" for us, probably because we were never the sort to snoop or pry into each others' stuff. I'm perfectly ok with her having my email, because I know she isn't going to read anything in there that's plainly none of her business...and, if she does, and gets angry...well, that's her problem for being a snoop.

"Peek not through a keyhole, lest ye be vexed" has sort of been our operating principle...
 
2012-11-20 01:30:51 PM

kiwimoogle84: Here's my thing- if a guy is going to cheat he'll find a way, passwords or no. He'll be more likely to if you're an overbearing slag who wants to know exactly why you took 25 minutes to get home from someplace 10 minutes away


If it only takes him 15 minutes to cheat, odds are the relationship is going to be disappointing anyway ;}
 
2012-11-20 01:32:23 PM
I'm going to make everyone in here a little more wealthy by giving out my two cents.

The question about whether to have private email accounts is hard. My fiancee and I have email accounts that are private and it doesn't seem to be a problem because we both are completely devoted to each other. On the other hand, if your SO is suspicious and wants to look at your email, telling them no will probably only make it worse. But, depending on the person, handing over the password might not improve anything. But everyone, even a married person, is entitled to some privacy.

/She leaves her email open on our main computer, so I guess I could read it if I wanted to.
//And it's in a foreign language, so I had to learn where the logout button was without knowing the word.
///My life is so difficult.
 
2012-11-20 01:32:46 PM
I'm not too proud to beg!

EIP - BIE!

/knows & respects the rules
 
2012-11-20 01:39:04 PM
It really comes down to the contrasting relational dialectics autonomy vs. connectedness.

Find someone with similar thoughts on these values and the email password wont be a problem.

According to a dialectical viewpoint, relational partners are said to experience three central contradictions: autonomy/connectedness, openness/closedness, and predictability/novelty (Baxter 1988). Autonomy/connectedness refers to the tension experienced due to the pull between wanting to connect as a partner and wanting to preserve an independent identity.

Link 


/my Interpersonal Communications prof would be proud of this post.
 
2012-11-20 01:43:58 PM

I May Be Crazy But...: On the other hand, if your SO is suspicious and wants to look at your email, telling them no will probably only make it worse. But, depending on the person, handing over the password might not improve anything


I was suspicious of my ex (turned out for good reason, she was whoring around with half her WoW guild). When it was only suspicion I demanded her email password. She deleted just about everything. I installed spyware which led me to her secret email accounts. It was ugly.

I didn't like the person I became so I now have a "I don't need to see your shiat" policy. Either I trust or I don't.

I am not saying it is for everyone, but it works for me. The problem wasn't my cheating wife, nor the secret email accounts. The problem was my lack of vetting her as a spouse and reading her email's wouldn't have fixed that.
 
2012-11-20 01:48:16 PM

jst3p: I May Be Crazy But...: On the other hand, if your SO is suspicious and wants to look at your email, telling them no will probably only make it worse. But, depending on the person, handing over the password might not improve anything

I was suspicious of my ex (turned out for good reason, she was whoring around with half her WoW guild). When it was only suspicion I demanded her email password. She deleted just about everything. I installed spyware which led me to her secret email accounts. It was ugly.

I didn't like the person I became so I now have a "I don't need to see your shiat" policy. Either I trust or I don't.

I am not saying it is for everyone, but it works for me. The problem wasn't my cheating wife, nor the secret email accounts. The problem was my lack of vetting her as a spouse and reading her email's wouldn't have fixed that.


That's rough, man.

I guess it's obvious that my post is written from the point of view of someone who isn't suspicious and who isn't cheating on their SO. I honestly have no idea what either of those is like, so... yeah. No idea.
 
2012-11-20 01:48:28 PM

Marriage therapists agree with your wife. Sorry, but they see everyday what comes of partners opening secret email and other communications accounts. Why do you feel that you have some sort of right to a private email account that your wife cannot see? Marriage isn't about mine and yours, but ours. If you aren't hiding anything, it shouldn't make any difference.


If that's how it's supposed to be I'm never getting married. Just reading this and thinking about it makes me feel suffocated. People who write diaries aren't hiding anything usually, but they wouldn't want somebody else reading their personal thoughts there either. If I wanted to fuse into one person I'd become a mad scientist. I think it's also disrespectful to people who are writing to you and expecting YOU only to be reading the mail. I don't think I'd want to write to friends anymore if I knew they were sharing my mails. And I've got nothing to hide and don't write anything weird.... but I'm writing to them, not them and somebody else.
 
2012-11-20 01:50:28 PM

AutumnWind: Marriage therapists agree with your wife. Sorry, but they see everyday what comes of partners opening secret email and other communications accounts. Why do you feel that you have some sort of right to a private email account that your wife cannot see? Marriage isn't about mine and yours, but ours. If you aren't hiding anything, it shouldn't make any difference.

If that's how it's supposed to be I'm never getting married. Just reading this and thinking about it makes me feel suffocated. People who write diaries aren't hiding anything usually, but they wouldn't want somebody else reading their personal thoughts there either. If I wanted to fuse into one person I'd become a mad scientist. I think it's also disrespectful to people who are writing to you and expecting YOU only to be reading the mail. I don't think I'd want to write to friends anymore if I knew they were sharing my mails. And I've got nothing to hide and don't write anything weird.... but I'm writing to them, not them and somebody else.


I truly think marriage therapists highly favor irrational women. Most people are not that way.
 
2012-11-20 01:54:55 PM

jst3p: I May Be Crazy But...: On the other hand, if your SO is suspicious and wants to look at your email, telling them no will probably only make it worse. But, depending on the person, handing over the password might not improve anything

I was suspicious of my ex (turned out for good reason, she was whoring around with half her WoW guild). When it was only suspicion I demanded her email password. She deleted just about everything. I installed spyware which led me to her secret email accounts. It was ugly.

I didn't like the person I became so I now have a "I don't need to see your shiat" policy. Either I trust or I don't.

I am not saying it is for everyone, but it works for me. The problem wasn't my cheating wife, nor the secret email accounts. The problem was my lack of vetting her as a spouse and reading her email's wouldn't have fixed that.


Same here ... it was only after the keylogger on my computer picked up her passwords that the full picture of her cheating came into view. For me, it was a few years ago in college. She started acting different in a way that should've set off warning lights, but I ignored them, thought she still loved me and went on with my life.

Then came the text from nowhere ... the accidental text to her lover. She tried to dismiss it as just joking, but I knew something was up. Got access to her Facebook and email and yep, a 6 month affair with a guy she had me be-friend after hooking up with. The biatch actually introduced us, we got to be decent friends, and holy hell, that was a punch in the groin.

But, I'm like this guy, I now either trust or I don't. I hope nothing leads me back down that path of second guessing phone calls and texts or having to demand what the other is doing, but so far, after 18 months now with truly the love of my life, and a soon to be co-habitator, I think I found the right one.

It just sucks when every once in a while those mindfarks pop in to your mind recalling something said years ago by a different person. Trust issues are a biatch - I don't know how some people can deal with them to lightly.
 
2012-11-20 01:55:13 PM
kiwimoogle84, I hope it's like that. Thank you!
 
2012-11-20 01:55:49 PM
Before you mark someone's post here as "smart", it would be best to know who's divorced in this thread.

-Here's a hint, those who don't want their wife to know their passwords...
 
2012-11-20 02:02:30 PM

Gabrielmot: Before you mark someone's post here as "smart", it would be best to know who's divorced in this thread.

-Here's a hint, those who don't want their wife to know their passwords...


It also seems to be the ones who've gotten hold of their wife's passwords.
 
2012-11-20 02:06:03 PM

I May Be Crazy But...: Gabrielmot: Before you mark someone's post here as "smart", it would be best to know who's divorced in this thread.

-Here's a hint, those who don't want their wife to know their passwords...

It also seems to be the ones who've gotten hold of their wife's passwords.


It also is likely ~50% of people posting with no correlation to password knowledge or ignorance.
 
2012-11-20 02:10:05 PM

jst3p: I May Be Crazy But...: Gabrielmot: Before you mark someone's post here as "smart", it would be best to know who's divorced in this thread.

-Here's a hint, those who don't want their wife to know their passwords...

It also seems to be the ones who've gotten hold of their wife's passwords.

It also is likely ~50% of people posting with no correlation to password knowledge or ignorance.


No! There is order in the universe. No such thing as randomness and 'shiat happens'!
 
2012-11-20 02:15:28 PM
I have an email account for every messenger I have ever used, plus my personal and business accounts... so I have like 8 or 9 email accounts, but only use 2
 
2012-11-20 02:17:52 PM

Gabrielmot: Before you mark someone's post here as "smart", it would be best to know who's divorced in this thread.

-Here's a hint, those who don't want their wife to know their passwords...


I'm not divorced, I'm female, and I still think passwords should be private. Your move.
 
2012-11-20 02:19:23 PM

kiwimoogle84: Gabrielmot: Before you mark someone's post here as "smart", it would be best to know who's divorced in this thread.

-Here's a hint, those who don't want their wife to know their passwords...

I'm not divorced, I'm female, and I still think passwords should be private. Your move.


This is why you're full of awesome!
 
2012-11-20 02:20:21 PM

kiwimoogle84: Gabrielmot: Before you mark someone's post here as "smart", it would be best to know who's divorced in this thread.

-Here's a hint, those who don't want their wife to know their passwords...

I'm not divorced, I'm female, and I still think passwords should be private. Your move.


Bazinga!
 
2012-11-20 02:28:25 PM

jst3p: kiwimoogle84: Gabrielmot: Before you mark someone's post here as "smart", it would be best to know who's divorced in this thread.

-Here's a hint, those who don't want their wife to know their passwords...

I'm not divorced, I'm female, and I still think passwords should be private. Your move.

Bazinga!


Having just watched the episode in which Penny gives Sheldon a napkin with Leonard Nimoy's DNA, I'm getting a kick...
 
2012-11-20 02:34:50 PM

AutumnWind: Marriage therapists agree with your wife. Sorry, but they see everyday what comes of partners opening secret email and other communications accounts. Why do you feel that you have some sort of right to a private email account that your wife cannot see? Marriage isn't about mine and yours, but ours. If you aren't hiding anything, it shouldn't make any difference.

If that's how it's supposed to be I'm never getting married. Just reading this and thinking about it makes me feel suffocated. People who write diaries aren't hiding anything usually, but they wouldn't want somebody else reading their personal thoughts there either. If I wanted to fuse into one person I'd become a mad scientist. I think it's also disrespectful to people who are writing to you and expecting YOU only to be reading the mail. I don't think I'd want to write to friends anymore if I knew they were sharing my mails. And I've got nothing to hide and don't write anything weird.... but I'm writing to them, not them and somebody else.


No, you should not marry. At least not until you come to understand two things: 1) to marry is to voluntarily surrender autonomy for the sake of the relationship, so that the two of you can build a life together; and 2) that no one's diary has ever talked them into trysting at the local motel during lunch.

There is a HUGE difference between a diary or journal and a secret email account, of which your spouse has no knowledge or, if he/she knows about it, is refused all access. A diary is used to record one's experiences and feelings for purely personal reasons; it must remain sacrosanct private or it is useless. An email account is about communicating with others - dialog, not monolog. You should not expect that your electronic communications (which really aren't private at all) rise to the standard of a diary/journal. We used to have a saying in the early days of the internet: never put anything into an email you wouldn't want your mother to read. If something is so private that you don't want some one else to read it, you don't send it in an email. Ever. Emails are forever and you completely lose control over them after you press send, as Gen. David Petraeus was recently reminded.

I can think of no rational justification for keeping an email account secret from your spouse - the one person you are supposed to trust and honor above all others. There can be only one reason for doing so: one is either up to no good or is planning on it in the future. If this weren't the case, one would not feel the need for secrecy. Rather, they would just do as my wife does and say "if you really want to read that boring crap, you know the password. Just don't look in the folder called 'orders'; I don't want you finding out what I ordered for your birthday."
 
2012-11-20 02:38:03 PM

jst3p: I May Be Crazy But...: On the other hand, if your SO is suspicious and wants to look at your email, telling them no will probably only make it worse. But, depending on the person, handing over the password might not improve anything


Exactly. Something that's perfectly innocent will look to her like evidence of full blown cheating just because the email's got a female name on it.

Psycho Ex (after finding picture of another girl on my computer): Who's this?!
Me: My sister.

I was suspicious of my ex (turned out for good reason, she was whoring around with half her WoW guild). When it was only suspicion I demanded her email password. She deleted just about everything. I installed spyware which led me to her secret email accounts. It was ugly.

I didn't like the person I became so I now have a "I don't need to see your shiat" policy. Either I trust or I don't.


Kudos to you for stepping back from the brink. I once found myself at the edge of that abyss and decided that way lay only madness.

Turns out all my assumptions were unfounded, and I had a friend to talk me back into rationality.
 
2012-11-20 02:38:12 PM

JackieRabbit: AutumnWind: Marriage therapists agree with your wife. Sorry, but they see everyday what comes of partners opening secret email and other communications accounts. Why do you feel that you have some sort of right to a private email account that your wife cannot see? Marriage isn't about mine and yours, but ours. If you aren't hiding anything, it shouldn't make any difference.

If that's how it's supposed to be I'm never getting married. Just reading this and thinking about it makes me feel suffocated. People who write diaries aren't hiding anything usually, but they wouldn't want somebody else reading their personal thoughts there either. If I wanted to fuse into one person I'd become a mad scientist. I think it's also disrespectful to people who are writing to you and expecting YOU only to be reading the mail. I don't think I'd want to write to friends anymore if I knew they were sharing my mails. And I've got nothing to hide and don't write anything weird.... but I'm writing to them, not them and somebody else.

No, you should not marry. At least not until you come to understand two things: 1) to marry is to voluntarily surrender autonomy for the sake of the relationship, so that the two of you can build a life together; and 2) that no one's diary has ever talked them into trysting at the local motel during lunch.

There is a HUGE difference between a diary or journal and a secret email account, of which your spouse has no knowledge or, if he/she knows about it, is refused all access. A diary is used to record one's experiences and feelings for purely personal reasons; it must remain sacrosanct private or it is useless. An email account is about communicating with others - dialog, not monolog. You should not expect that your electronic communications (which really aren't private at all) rise to the standard of a diary/journal. We used to have a saying in the early days of the internet: never put anything into an email you wouldn't want your mother to read. ...


This ... so. much. this.
 
2012-11-20 02:47:10 PM
Jackie Rabbit-

"No, you should not marry...to marry is to voluntarily surrender autonomy for the sake of the relationship, so that the two of you can build a life together"

WHAT?!?

Ok. Fun story time. I have a friend. He's been married for ten years. Over the course of those ten years all the things he loved before they got together (anime, video games, pinup girls, roller derby, smoking a pipe, magic the gathering, comic books, etc) eventually got all packed into boxes in the garage. He has no hobbies. He has no friends because his wife disapproves of them. He exists to drive his wife and her mother around. He is a slave to her whims and can't even leave the house for an hour without explaining himself fully, and even then it always leads to an argument.

By your definition, this is a normal, healthy, functional marriage.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

A functioning marriage is about compromise and maintaining a sense of self even though you are half of a whole. Being fine with spending an evening by yourself or out with your people while they are at their DnD group. A wife happy to make lots of little sandwiches and spinach dip for the guys then excusing herself to a pedicure while they watch the Super Bowl. A husband happy to spend a night at his buddy's house so they can have a Molly Ringwald marathon and makeovers sleepover party.

There is something very VERY wrong with your brain if you think for ONE INSTANT that becoming a blob of two people where you can't tell where one ends and the other begins is a healthy marriage.

/endrant
 
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