Do you have adblock enabled?
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Bloomberg)   America finds vast reserves of Twinkies and Wonder Bread hidden in its hat   ( divider line
    More: Followup, twinkies, baked goods  
•       •       •

9676 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 Nov 2012 at 7:59 AM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Smartest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2012-11-20 12:10:33 AM  
4 votes:
I think that Canadians actually enjoy how silly we Americans look sometimes.
2012-11-20 10:06:38 AM  
3 votes:

ox45tallboy: I think that Canadians actually enjoy how silly we Americans look sometimes.

You think?

But seriously, is there anybody who enjoys mocking Dumb Yankees more than other Americans?
The English-speaking peoples rejoice in their dumbness and eccentricty. What would be a matter for shame in some countries is a matter of national pride and joy for us.

And that's not counting the Yiddish brand of self-deprecation, which has had a tremendous cultural influence whereever large Jewish populations assemble to do business or escape persecution.

But Canadians do love laughing at Americans heartily. For example, shows about Dumb White American families, such as The Simpsons and Married With Children are extra-popular with Canadians, and for some reason, African Americans.

Shows like The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and Late Night with Conan O'Brien know that their Canadian audiences are large, loyal, good-natured and hungry for Canadian references, so they play to us (even Colbert's claim that Windsor may be the arse-hole of North America is part of this game--it's not the first time Colbert has had a friendly run-in with a Canadian town). Wait, that doesn't sound right.

Canadians are insider-outsiders. We get a slightly different, outsider's view of American media and culture while being immersed in it to the point of often knowing it better than our own. Thus we are well placed to play the class clown or be stand-up comedians. In addition to comedians, we produce a lot of con-artists and mimics--people who can play Americans with uncanny skill.

Hence the importance of America's Sweetheart (Mary Pickford), America's Starship Captain (William Shatner) and America's Cowboy (Lorne Green). We have also produced America's Indian Chief (Chief Dan George) and America's President (Barrack H. Obama). Wait, forget that last one.
2012-11-20 11:06:05 AM  
1 vote:

Loaf's Tray: I find the fact that they refer to the US as "South of the Border" to be humbling, somehow...

Or as Bobby Vinton used to croon:

South of the border, down Michigan way.
That's where I fell in love where stars above, came out to play.
And now as I wonder, my thoughts ever stray.
South of the border, down Michigan way.

She was a picture, in Old Michigan ways.
Just for a tender while I kissed the smile, upon her face.
For it was Black Friday, and love had it's day.
South of the border, down Michigan way.

Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay (Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay)
Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay (Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay)

But isn't it cool to think that for some people, the Deep South means Pennsylvania?

For one thing, it means that highway cops in Maine get to play Southern Sheriff, strolling to a Quebequer's Hundai like a man who has spent too much time on horseback or who is wearing his daughter's stove pipe leg, short arse jeans.

Ma'am are you aware you were going 300 kilometers per hour in an 80 kilometer per hour zone?

Quaint how the Southerners try to adapt to our ways by putting kilometers on their highway signs. (Note: they really do. They figure that Canadians speed because they can't read signs posted in miles. Ha! Ha! So cute! So naive!)

Quebecois don't speed because they can't tell kilometers from mile. They speed because they are French and believe that they are in control of the car as long as the brakes still work.

Next song up: She's a Maniac.
2012-11-20 10:50:15 AM  
1 vote:

SmackLT: God Is My Co-Pirate: ox45tallboy: MaudlinMutantMollusk: Well, there goes another goddamned retirement plan

No, I would think there is going to be a huge market in smuggling Twinkies across the border.

Pretty soon the Kinderegg gangs will take over. It's a gateway snack.

I totally want a business card that says "Twinkie smuggler" on it, but I'm too terrified it has some double meaning in the gay community.

Cool idea, bro. But you are right. There is no way any phrase containing the word "Twinkie" can NOT have a double meaning. In fact, it is hard to talk to Queens because EVERY word has a double entendre in it, if you are determined enough to be lewd at all times.

If I understand gay American argot, a "Twinkie smuggler" would be a passive male who prefers to be be laid by Twinkies--for example, the coach of the high school football team who lusts after the captain of the high school football team (well, the whole team, most likely).

In other words, a male cougar.

This is a recognized sub-group of sugar daddies and Johns. It must be an ancient proclivity because the Ancient Romans and Greeks were up to their tits in Twinkie smugglers if the satires of Martial and Juvenal are to be believed, and the graffiti on the walls of Pompei and Rome suggest that they are. The word pederaste meant a Twinkie Smuggler before it had anything to do with children of both sexes.

Teenage boys and Twinkie Smugglers have one thing in common: they are absolutely insatiable. They are best left to their own devices, which is apparently not all that hard to do, because they are envied, feared and despised by much of the rest of the alternative sex communities as loose cannons on the deck. Remember the old maxim: a slut is anybody getting more than you are. These guys are often Uber-sluts or else totally gormless.

The pursuit of Twinkies by Twinkie Smugglers might have been described by Oscar Wilde as he described fox hunting: the unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable.

And that is all that anybody needs to know about that.
2012-11-20 10:25:37 AM  
1 vote:

ox45tallboy: MaudlinMutantMollusk: Well, there goes another goddamned retirement plan

No, I would think there is going to be a huge market in smuggling Twinkies across the border.

I'm sure that if the products and brands are not back in circulation soon, there will be a Prohibition Era sized smuggling operation to give the American people what they want and can't have.

But that's not the half of it. Americans and Canadians will be smuggling dangerous Kinder Toys into America hidden in hollowed out loaves of Wonder Bread. The White Stuff ini Twinkies will be sucked out and replaced with cocaine. Twinkies will be pushed up the rectums of illegal Mexican immigrants as a condition of crossing the border through Indian reserves (reservations) (the good news is they can survive anything as long as the packaging is not damaged, so being up a Mexican bum will not harm them--you can hose them down with a high power hose and hang them to dry on a clothsline and they'll be as good as new).

Americans have never been shy about smuggling. It's a victimless crime except for the taxpayers, of course, and every American believes the taxpayers get what they deserve as long as they're not among them.

That's one of the main reasons for the American Revolution: the British did not allow the Colonies to trade with the Enemy (France, Spain, etc.). In fact, all trade for finished goods or luxuries had to be through the Metropolis, and the Americans had to sell their tobacco and other obnoxious exports (dried fish, whale oil, knotty pine) to the British so they could sell it on to the Europeans. Americans resented the role of British merchants in the colonies (in the South, for example, they controlled the tobacco and later the cotton trade) and in playing the middle man with the rest of the world. So they were happy to foreswear their oaths of allegeance to God, King and Country in favour of the Almighty Spanish Dollar.

You damn right there'll be smuggling.

Just wait until Republicans realize they can show their defiance of the Obamacracy by eating Twinkies. People who wouldn't touch a Moon Pie with a ten metre pole will snarf down Twinkies and Ding Dongs just to stick it to the Black Man.

And remember, you are what you eat, so a lot of Republicans already by Twinkies and Ding Dongs by the crate, not to mention White Bread and fake mayonaise* to make pastrami sandwiches.

*I'm not saying it is Cool Whip(TM), but it is Cool Whip(TM) or else they would call it by its proper name.

There's not much I agree with Southerners on, but that one thing is Hellman's Real Mayonnaise. Hellman's or fight. Or better yet, real French mayonnaise made by hand, but I'm too lazy to do that and I don't use a lot of mayo, so I waste a lot even if I buy the tiny expensive bottles of HRM.
2012-11-20 09:19:59 AM  
1 vote:

Danger Mouse: Over the past few days no one, NO ONE has mentioned any sadness over losing Snoballs...where's the love for Sno Balls?

I'm not seeing any love either for the best thing Hostess made: Suzy-Q's
2012-11-20 08:26:52 AM  
1 vote:

Now is the time to launch the invasion of Canada. For too long, the polite Canadian menace has scourged America. First they gave us Canadian Bacon, so we could pay a dollar EXTRA for what is sliced ham. Now they rub the twinkies in our face? No more, America! No more!

We shall fight them on the beaches.
We shall fight them in the air.
We shall fight them in the streets.

Pictured above: Bloodthirsty Canadians ready to steal your Twinkies.

We shall fight them until every last Canookistani man and woman are free of the Monarchy. Free to exercise the rights due every free man. And free to give us our God Damn Twinkies.

God Bless America. And God Bless our GODDAMN TWINKIES.
2012-11-20 08:24:15 AM  
1 vote:
Honestly cannot tell you the last time I had a twinkie. Why are people losing their freaking minds over this?
2012-11-20 08:19:01 AM  
1 vote:
I find the fact that they refer to the US as "South of the Border" to be humbling, somehow...
2012-11-20 08:10:10 AM  
1 vote:
I sell Entenmanns on long island we used to owned by George Weston now we are part of the Groupo Bimbo. Thomas,Arnold, Stroehmann, Boboli, Sara Lee, are also held by my parent company. Arnold Bread is owner operated, the rest are cooperation owned routes
2012-11-20 08:05:02 AM  
1 vote:
Displayed 11 of 11 comments

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking

On Twitter

Top Commented
Javascript is required to view headlines in widget.
  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.