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(Slate)   "I curse all the f*cking time. Can I stop cursing all the goddamned time before my son-of-a-biatching baby is born?"   (slate.com ) divider line
    More: Silly, developmental psychologies  
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8446 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Nov 2012 at 3:30 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2012-11-19 04:09:03 PM  
4 votes:
i.chzbgr.com
2012-11-19 03:42:39 PM  
4 votes:
When my son way very young, I used to swear in front of him, thinking it would do no harm.

Then one day, when he was about 18 months (with a limited vocabulary), I heard him say, "f**k this s**t!".
There's nothing quite as humbling as knowing that you've taught a baby to swear. I don't think I've sworn since that day.
2012-11-19 02:12:19 PM  
4 votes:
i.ytimg.com

If I can't swear or smoke, I'm farked!
2012-11-20 12:25:47 PM  
2 votes:
CSB time...

My first words were, and I quote "Son of a biatch."

Not "mama" or "dada", or any one syllable babble. I couldn't believe it myself, it's four words. My guess was it sounded more like "sonnabiatch", but I asked my grandmother and oldest sister who thought it was the funniest thing in in the world, and they said it was clear as day... "Son of a biatch".

Fast forward 20 years or so later, my sister had a bad habit of using "shiat" in front of her newborn... I warned her about it... his third word was "shiat".

I'm certain I'll hear people not believing me here, I didn't believe it myself. I verified after my sister told me by asking my Grandmother (and she never lied to me) and it was true. Apparently my dad had a bad habit of saying that word all of the time in front of me.
2012-11-19 06:17:01 PM  
2 votes:

Sin_City_Superhero: Parthenogenetic: I swear like the proverbial sailor at work.

The proverbial sailor? Which proverb refrences sailors?


"Loose lips sink ships"?
2012-11-19 05:21:57 PM  
2 votes:
I don't watch my language around any kids, if the parents don't want their precious snowflakes to hear a fark, shiat, coont, or motherfarker then they should not bring them out in public. Oh and if they feel the need to try and correct my behavior, well I tell them in no uncertain terms that they and their useless coont droppings can go fark themselves and the biatch whore they were shiat from.
2012-11-19 05:19:24 PM  
2 votes:

ace in your face: We pretty much cut it out but forgot "damnit". My daughter started saying it around 14 months all the time. When she did we would always be like "Diamond!? I don't see a diamond anywhere!?" But when she got stuck in her high hair and said "damnit" I did feel a little proud she used it in the right context lol.

/Diamondsomuch!


Saw a cute little girl about 2 drop some of her toys in the library the other day. She stood with hands on hips looking down at them and said "oh shiat" - perfect context perfect tone, was absolutely beautiful :)
2012-11-19 04:54:00 PM  
2 votes:

Bumblefark: BadAdviceGuy: You could stop cursing all the time, however there is absolutely no reason to. Language is language, and you should never intentionally limit the vocabulary of your child.

Fitting handle.


One child says to another on the playground
"You're ugly, doodypants."
the other child responds
"Shut up you motherfarking cocksucking son of a biatch."

Which child would you rather be the parent of? All parents of the responsibility to make sure their children are well armed with the right vocabulary for the right situation. Anything less is bad parenting.
2012-11-19 04:01:07 PM  
2 votes:
todaysmama.com
2012-11-19 03:54:11 PM  
2 votes:
I was chattering away with my Finnish friends one day after getting myself a snootful for some celebratory or infuriating reason and one of them asked me "Are you drunk? You're cussing almost like a Finn."

I was inordinately proud of myself for the rest of the week.
2012-11-19 03:36:12 PM  
2 votes:

ToxicMunkee: Dear everyone. Your baby can't understand words in the womb.


Hell, they can't understand words the first year out of the womb as well (more like first 18 months).

Now, my three year old who repeated "asshole" when I cussed at somebody who cut me off, is another story.
2012-11-19 02:56:08 PM  
2 votes:
i1079.photobucket.com
2012-11-19 02:07:49 PM  
2 votes:
My wife was hanging with a bunch of grad students at CU and some of the people there (not my wife) were doing lines on the coffee table while someone's 2 year old daughter was playing on the floor. My wife told some one to "shut up" and the mother turns to her and says in a nasty tone, "Don't say 'shut up' in front of my kid!"
2012-11-19 01:21:00 PM  
2 votes:
I used to curse like a stevedore before I had kids. I just stopped doing it in front of the kids. It's not f*cking hard.
2012-11-20 01:26:11 PM  
1 vote:
25.media.tumblr.com
2012-11-19 11:50:30 PM  
1 vote:

jaylectricity: W.C.fields forever: First time I heard an adult curse(I don't know if dick qualifies as a curse)
My Uncle Joe says to my Pop" You'd lose your dick if it wasn't tied to ya"

So if that's the first time you heard the word "dick" you could not possibly comprehend what this sentence meant, so I find it hard to believe you remember that whole sentence. But maybe when you heard that phrase you sought out the meaning of the word "dick" and it ended up being a major childhood impression.

So I guess you could be telling the truth, or you could be lying. And I could probably say that last sentence as a response to everything everybody ever says and never be wrong.


I remember I was picking my nose when I was like 8.Uncle Joe said I needed a drivers' license
to pick my nose.I don't know,20 yrs later? I was in traffic.saw some dude pickin' his nose..and
laughed..
//maybe im slow.
//I can't lie.to much work
KIA
2012-11-19 10:40:37 PM  
1 vote:
If people are going to curse (and I know they are!) then they at least ought to spend the time to learn to do it properly.

There was actually a journal back in the day called Maledicta - The International Journal of Verbal Aggression. It chronicled any number of ways to curse and abuse people in multiple languages and incredibly hysterical ways. Man, I miss that rag.

I gotta tell you, the Italians have some very inventive curses but the Texans are right behind them... so to speak.

You can find some of the quotes yourself with minimal searching. I've personally always enjoyed the Texan "The kid is too stupid to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel" but the best were completely unprintable here.
2012-11-19 10:19:47 PM  
1 vote:

Bumblefark: If making sure your kid can out-curse the other kids on the playground is genuinely an organizing concern for you as a parent, so much so that you're willing to sacrifice their normal language development toward that end...more power to you, I guess. The world needs ditch diggers too.


Holy shiat, I mean I intentionally give out bad advice in threads, but now I actually think it might be a good idea to teach a kid to swear just to make sure that don't turn into a stick-up-their-ass douchebag prick that says things like 'word salad' and makes weird superficial judgements on the fictional children of other people.

farking hilarious though. Without people who get their panties in a twist over words, there wouldn't be any point to them, so thank you Bumblefark.
2012-11-19 09:46:06 PM  
1 vote:
"What is the complaint of a VERY pregnant Lisa Lampanelli, Alex?"

/flees thread
2012-11-19 07:56:17 PM  
1 vote:
I've always enjoyed a well placed curse word or string of curse words, but I didn't become a master at profanity until I discovered Fark. Oh, you have taught me some gems.
2012-11-19 07:01:05 PM  
1 vote:

GreatGlavinsGhost: Babwa Wawa: I used to curse like a stevedore before I had kids. I just stopped doing it in front of the kids. It's not f*cking hard.

I've always wondered who swears more, a sailor or a truck driver?


Neither. This guy does.

/ oblig
// NSFW language, of course
2012-11-19 06:59:40 PM  
1 vote:

Mija: Some people do not swear. It makes you sound like an uneducated redneck who lacks self control.


Not swearing makes you sound uneducated? I'd better start farking swearing right the fark now so all those assholes don't farking judge me by the words I choose to motherfarking use in this coontilicious language
2012-11-19 06:16:21 PM  
1 vote:

Bumblefark: BadAdviceGuy: Bumblefark: Easy: the former. One child produced a grammatical statement. The other did not.

And, that's the problem: not the words themselves, but that it doesn't require much language mastery to deploy them. When they make up a disproportionate amount of one's vocabulary early on, they become a crutch. And then, fast forward 20 years, and Child #2 is still speaking that way in a mostly context-independent way whereas Child #1 has slowly acquired the skills to use profanity in a more artful and socially effective way.

The correct answer is that one of them said doodypants and should be severly beaten. Nobody who uses that term at any point in their life becomes an artful master of profanity later. If you want your child to when an insult fight, you've got to teach them to be a pro in profanity at an early age. Don't let your children bring a 'gosh darnit' to an F-bomb fight.

If making sure your kid can out-curse the other kids on the playground is genuinely an organizing concern for you as a parent, so much so that you're willing to sacrifice their normal language development toward that end...more power to you, I guess. The world needs ditch diggers too.

But, I just don't see genuinely foul-mouthed little kids growing up to be "masterful" at much of anything, even cursing. That's sort of my point. When my kid is in the role of Child #2, I want him to be the one with the retort: "You know who else has doodypants? You're mom, ever since I gaped her ass with a tire iron while your dad watched."

But to pull that off, rather than just aimlessly emote with word-salads like "Shut up you motherfarking cocksucking son of a biatch", you actually have to tend to basics of language learning first...which means putting words with little grammatical content on the periphery of everyday speech.


That's odd--this foul-mouthed kid is getting a PhD in English from a top 30 university. (And I teach composition!) But who knows, maybe if I hadn't stunted my intellect by using silly magic words as interjections and exclamations I would be some kind of farking rocket surgeon or something.

/At a top 10 school!
2012-11-19 05:46:18 PM  
1 vote:
Everyone in my family swears all the time, but my parents actually taught me from the young age when it was ok and when it was not.

/Remember's asking at what age i could swear when i wanted
//it was 13
///First thing I said on my 13th birthday was "god damn I'm farking glad I'm 13 now"
2012-11-19 05:32:24 PM  
1 vote:
Just read TFA by Jessica Grose (more like Gross!) and all I can say is, "Who the fark cares, you ugly-ass biatch! With a face that eerily resembles a cross between Mr. Ed & Shelly Duvall, you should consider yourself farking lucky you found ANYONE desperate enough to put a baby up in ya!"

Exhibit A
horseandman.com

Exhibit B
3.bp.blogspot.com

Exhibit C
www.slate.com 

Just sayin'.
2012-11-19 05:25:04 PM  
1 vote:
came here for this, so here :P
-------------
There are times when you get suckered in,
By drugs and alcohol and sex with women, mm'kay.
But it's when you do these things too much,
That you've become an addict and must get back in touch...

You can do it, it's all up to you, mm'kay,
With a little plan you can change your life today!
You don't have to spend your life addicted to smack,
Homeless on the streets giving handjobs for crack,
Follow my plan and very soon you will say, it's easy m'kay!

Step 1: Instead of ass say buns, like "kiss my buns" or "you're a buns hole"!
Step 2: Instead of shiat say poo, as in "bull poo", "poo head" and this "poo is cold".
Step 3: With biatch drop the 't' because bich is Latin for generosity!
Step 4: Don't say fark anymore 'cause fark is the worst word that you can say, so just use the word mm'kay!
2012-11-19 05:18:57 PM  
1 vote:
My parents have sworn around me my whole life. The first "swear incident" I had at school was reasoning that if you're allowed to say "hell" at church, I didn't see why you couldn't say it at school, and I said "What the hell?" at something when I was about seven. The teacher made me write a letter to my parents about how I said a bad word. It ended up being some tear-stained defensive letter along the lines of "I HEARD SOMEONE SAY IT ON TV AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN BLEEP IT AND THAT ISN'T A SWEAR." I think my mom almost laughed herself to death.
2012-11-19 05:08:46 PM  
1 vote:
We pretty much cut it out but forgot "damnit". My daughter started saying it around 14 months all the time. When she did we would always be like "Diamond!? I don't see a diamond anywhere!?" But when she got stuck in her high hair and said "damnit" I did feel a little proud she used it in the right context lol.

/Diamondsomuch!
2012-11-19 05:06:45 PM  
1 vote:
Stephen Fry on the Joys of Swearing - YouTube  I'm going with NSFW for the motherfarking pansies.
2012-11-19 04:53:20 PM  
1 vote:
2012-11-19 04:47:07 PM  
1 vote:
2012-11-19 04:42:48 PM  
1 vote:

BadAdviceGuy: You could stop cursing all the time, however there is absolutely no reason to. Language is language, and you should never intentionally limit the vocabulary of your child.


Fitting handle.
2012-11-19 04:36:05 PM  
1 vote:
had a boss that spent too many years working underground for NY Bell. when he became suit & tie branch manager for ITT-BCC in NJ the poor schlub just couldn't curb the mouth. he would drop the 'F' bomb in front of anyone anywhere twice in every sentence he uttered, all day long every day. spent the other half of his time apologizing profusely. nice guy, intelligent, handsome, well dressed, absolutely no filter. you could see he really didn't mean to offend anyone. what a trip.


--- ITT-BCC= International Telephone & Telegraph Business Communications Corporation, long defunct
2012-11-19 04:09:41 PM  
1 vote:

Campanula: Being a teacher is another great way to either curb your cursing or find benign ways to getting your point across. I became fond of the phrase "son of a monkey" when I needed something expletive-y. One 18 month-old may not catch a swear you say accidentally. Thirty-five 15 year-olds most certainly will, and "but they say far worse to each other in the hallway" is not a valid excuse when a snowflake's mother complains to the principal about your language (or so I hear...).


Come to our seance; the spirit of Howard Cosell would like a word with you.
2012-11-19 04:09:07 PM  
1 vote:
I'm from a long line of cursers. My father was the most amazing curser I've ever known. He could string together cuss words in amazing combinations. I'm not even in his league.

When my kids were young and impressionable I watched my mouth. Nothing worse than your two year old screaming "F*CK" at the top of his lungs in the grocery store. Now that my kids are grown, they chuckle in amusement when I go into a good cuss rant.
2012-11-19 04:04:33 PM  
1 vote:
You could stop cursing all the time, however there is absolutely no reason to. Language is language, and you should never intentionally limit the vocabulary of your child.
2012-11-19 03:52:47 PM  
1 vote:
A friends daughters first word was "f*ck".

Why yes, she did have a child outside of marriage 17 years later and gets no support from the pizza-guy father.
2012-11-19 03:48:23 PM  
1 vote:
Your mom's Tourette's gets really nasty when she orgasms.
2012-11-19 03:47:48 PM  
1 vote:
I was at breakfast with my uncle the other day. When he's with his wife (who is also my aunt, what are the odds on that) or around his grandchildren he never curses. A young couple with 3 kids sat down directly behind me and he proceeds to tell a story and quote somebody that said "bullshiat", and he made sure to emphasize the "shiat" part so it seemed to echo across the restaurant. Everything got really quiet and I could feel the daggers being stared, but they had the class and presence of mind to not make a big deal out of it.

I don't really have a point, except that my uncle is a trip who has no sense of decency if his wife isn't there to tell him what's what. Old men are funny like that.

He also gave me his farking cold, god dammit. And now everybody is like "Oh you should take x!". I don't want to take x, fark off!

/Here x is a variable
//People aren't telling me to take X
///Though that might not be a bad way to get through a cold
2012-11-19 03:45:00 PM  
1 vote:
The powerful seek a moderation in language. They search for terms such as 'liquidate.'
2012-11-19 03:41:46 PM  
1 vote:

cutelypoisoned.files.wordpress.com

GTFO!

2012-11-19 03:37:40 PM  
1 vote:
"bullshiat, dad. bullshiat," the three year old told me yesterday when I asked the 13 year old to to quit doing something

we are a foul mouthed people here
 
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