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(Some Manly Guy)   Introducing "Alpha Nail," nail polish for men that's 100% heterosexual   (alphanail.com ) divider line
    More: Amusing, alpha  
•       •       •

10618 clicks; posted to Main » on 18 Nov 2012 at 5:29 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



226 Comments     (+0 »)
 
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2012-11-18 05:52:20 PM  
or gaytway
 
2012-11-18 05:53:05 PM  
As a straight lady typed person, I find painted nails on a man very sexy. But maybe it's just me. My first crushes were Prince and Robert Smith, so...
 
2012-11-18 05:53:24 PM  
i.qkme.me

Yep. Pretty much this. No matter how many MMA fighters endorse your product, it's still farking nail polish.
 
2012-11-18 05:53:25 PM  
From a womans point of view, I just can't picture a guy who uses nail polish as being that being very useful-- i.e. knowing how to build a barn, run equipment, taking care of livestock, etc.

Each to her own I guess though.
 
2012-11-18 05:53:36 PM  

rappy: andrewagill: Diet changes cured that nail issue, though.

[ct.fra.bz image 544x479]


Sometimes that actually works. If you notice that your fingernails have white spots on them, try eating more vegetables and less bacon for a few weeks. Then see if you still have spots.

And if eating more vegetables offends your delicate masculine sensibilities, you could top them with jalapeño ranch and/or bacon grease.
 
2012-11-18 05:54:07 PM  

swingerofbirches: It starts at birth with blue and pink baby rooms and clothes. Then boy dolls and girl dolls. Then lunch boxes with cars and some with princesses.

I can get all of that kind of.

But why do we have skincare for men and women, shampoos for men and women, razors for men and women, and now different nail polish for men? I've heard of men who won't use a skincare product if it doesn't specifically say it's for a man on it.

Virginia Slims even capitalized on the women's movement with "You've come a long way, baby."

Men end up paying a fortune for specialized skincare and now makeup and nail polish. It's all the same stuff.

I don't really find it interesting or scandalizing at all that men wear make-up or nail polish. You see it in rock and roll all the time. It's the making-it-OK marketing that is so fascinating to me.


Not all guys are that hung up on it. I know plenty of dudes who use Origins or Kiehl's, and they're not really marketed towards men.
 
2012-11-18 05:55:01 PM  
nope
lh3.googleusercontent.com
 
2012-11-18 05:55:10 PM  

Todashy: As a straight lady typed person, I find painted nails on a man very sexy. But maybe it's just me. My first crushes were Prince and Robert Smith, so...


I personally don't find it sexy. But I like tall hairy men and I know plenty of chicks who hair guys with chest hair.
 
2012-11-18 05:55:23 PM  
perfect for men who are into My Little Ponies
 
2012-11-18 05:55:25 PM  

anfrind: rappy: andrewagill: Diet changes cured that nail issue, though.

[ct.fra.bz image 544x479]

Sometimes that actually works. If you notice that your fingernails have white spots on them, try eating more vegetables and less bacon for a few weeks. Then see if you still have spots.

And if eating more vegetables offends your delicate masculine sensibilities, you could top them with jalapeño ranch and/or bacon grease.


I don't need for my nails to start rotting to know that I should take care of my body
 
2012-11-18 05:55:26 PM  

anfrind: rappy: andrewagill: Diet changes cured that nail issue, though.

[ct.fra.bz image 544x479]

Sometimes that actually works. If you notice that your fingernails have white spots on them, try eating more vegetables and less bacon for a few weeks. Then see if you still have spots.

And if eating more vegetables offends your delicate masculine sensibilities, you could top them with jalapeño ranch and/or bacon grease.


Naw. I think it was the biotin supplements, honestly.  Though I did have some other major dietary changes around the same time.
 
2012-11-18 05:55:31 PM  
so instead of linking to cracked we're linking to 1 of the items listed in their articles
 
2012-11-18 05:55:42 PM  
graphics8.nytimes.com
 
2012-11-18 05:55:46 PM  
How about NO
 
2012-11-18 05:56:49 PM  
I started wearing polish to stop biting my nails, now I just like having tidy nails after years of looking like they'd been savaged.

That and it's a great conversation starter :)

/ 38 year old straight male
// Currently glitter on black
 
2012-11-18 05:57:50 PM  

lazd: I started wearing polish to stop biting my nails, now I just like having tidy nails after years of looking like they'd been savaged.

That and it's a great conversation starter :)

/ 38 year old straight male
// Currently glitter on black


This is why you're single
 
2012-11-18 06:00:21 PM  

lordjupiter: Don't care about the gay/manly thing. If there's a market for it, fine, whatever. But it seems like someone's always trying to sell men on women's products by reframing it as masculine (body wash, body scrubs, nail polish, shampoo, creams, anal lube, etc)


I can see the powerpoint with the pie chart showing that heterosexual males are only 2% of the nail polish market and the marketing executives coming up with advertising campaigns to try to tap this untapped market.

/Do not approve
 
2012-11-18 06:00:39 PM  
Declaring something not gay pretty much makes it gay, eh?

/even if it wasn't gay in the first place
 
2012-11-18 06:00:50 PM  

lazd: I started wearing polish to stop biting my nails, now I just like having tidy nails after years of looking like they'd been savaged.

That and it's a great conversation starter :)

/ 38 year old straight male
// Currently glitter on black


8/10
 
2012-11-18 06:01:23 PM  
It's funny watching people get worked up over what is and what is not gender appropriate. There was a time when people freaked out even harder over women wearing bloomers, and then pants.

Of course, back in the bloomer days it was also considered perfectly normal to dress little boys and girls the same way, in dresses with long hair.

But now we've cracked the code for sure! Nail polish on men is gay!
 
2012-11-18 06:01:51 PM  

Sail The Wide Accountancy: Yeah. I wore nail polish in college during my, "I think I'm David Bowie" phase. I have NEVER done as well with the ladies as I did during that phase of my life. (Of course that's half to do with just being ON a stage and playing Any type of music than the nail polish.)

The point is that I just called it nail polish and eyeliner. I knew what I was putting on.


Huh, Apparently I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

swingerofbirches: It starts at birth with blue and pink baby rooms and clothes. Then boy dolls and girl dolls. Then lunch boxes with cars and some with princesses.

I can get all of that kind of.

But why do we have skincare for men and women, shampoos for men and women, razors for men and women, and now different nail polish for men? I've heard of men who won't use a skincare product if it doesn't specifically say it's for a man on it.


That's me. I only use shampoo because I don't want to walk around with a greasy rat's nest on my head. I have a hell of a time finding a shampoo I deem "manly", since my definition eliminates pretty much every product on the market. I don't need it to moisturise, condition, demoisturise, detangle, remoisturise, volumise, or do anything else fancy. I just need it to remove the excess dirt and oil from my hair so I can be respectably clean. I really don't need it to smell like Carmen Miranda's hat in a blender or be stuffed full of unpronounceable tropical foliage. I've ended up resorting to generic knock-off Irish Spring (I'm Irish(ish) and it smells like dirt) body wash (which I tell myself is just soap in a squeeze bottle). Back in the day I found a giant 1L bottle of bright industrial orange dollar store shampoo labelled "NORMAL" and nothing else. Oh how I miss that.

The first step may be admitting I have a problem.
 
2012-11-18 06:02:11 PM  
Gayer than 7 dudes sucking off 8 dudes.
 
2012-11-18 06:04:03 PM  
I spent a good chunk of the day working on the car, and yesterday on the tractor. My nails would be ruined if I used polish. What I'm saying is they need men's press on nails.
 
2012-11-18 06:04:18 PM  
i bet edward and jacob would use something like this
so basically NOT GAY

/twilight rulez
 
2012-11-18 06:04:40 PM  

Bondith:

Irish Spring (I'm Irish(ish) and it smells like dirt) body wash (which I tell myself is just soap in a squeeze bottle). Back in the day I found a giant 1L bottle of bright industrial orange dollar store shampoo labelled "NORMAL" and nothing else. Oh how I miss that.

The first step may be admitting I have a problem.


I'm pretty sure the radiologist I'm working with right now used Irish Spring when he showered before work and f*ck he smells good. It's distracting.

Keep on keepin' on
 
2012-11-18 06:05:12 PM  

Rozinante: I spent a good chunk of the day working on the car, and yesterday on the tractor. My nails would be ruined if I used polish. What I'm saying is they need men's press on nails.


Or gloves.
 
2012-11-18 06:06:31 PM  
"And while putting it on won't make you Alpha, chances are that if you do it, you already are."

This is mocking itself!
 
2012-11-18 06:07:07 PM  
i.chzbgr.com
 
2012-11-18 06:07:12 PM  
Didn't they try this before? I think there was a brand called Hard Candy or something.

Anyway, as a dude who wears nail polish, I couldn't care less to whom it is marketed.
 
2012-11-18 06:07:42 PM  
www.gtawebgalerie.net
 
2012-11-18 06:08:56 PM  

Rozinante: I spent a good chunk of the day working on the car, and yesterday on the tractor. My nails would be ruined if I used polish. What I'm saying is they need men's press on nails.


You're doing it wrong.
 
2012-11-18 06:09:22 PM  
"For those of you with a flair for style, our colors are so sick Dr. House can't fix them."

....
 
2012-11-18 06:10:26 PM  

rappy: Bondith:

Irish Spring (I'm Irish(ish) and it smells like dirt) body wash (which I tell myself is just soap in a squeeze bottle). Back in the day I found a giant 1L bottle of bright industrial orange dollar store shampoo labelled "NORMAL" and nothing else. Oh how I miss that.

The first step may be admitting I have a problem.

I'm pretty sure the radiologist I'm working with right now used Irish Spring when he showered before work and f*ck he smells good. It's distracting.

Keep on keepin' on


My girlfriend likes the smell too. In fact, she picked a bottle for me when I ran out. She's awesome.

ambercat: It's funny watching people get worked up over what is and what is not gender appropriate. There was a time when people freaked out even harder over women wearing bloomers, and then pants.

Of course, back in the bloomer days it was also considered perfectly normal to dress little boys and girls the same way, in dresses with long hair.

But now we've cracked the code for sure! Nail polish on men is gay!


It's bizarre. I'm 100% supportive of gay marriage, but straight men wearing a little big of pigment weirds me out. I'm too young to be a relic, dammit!
 
2012-11-18 06:11:00 PM  
And hell, sometimes I'll use my gf's deodorant. fark that nonsensical marketing.

/It smells good, dammit!
 
2012-11-18 06:11:52 PM  
I have no issue with dudes who wear nail polish. If you want to wear it and can pull it off, more power to you. I've known plenty of straight men who wear nail polish and I've never made the assumption that they were gay (in fact I think most of the polish-wearing men I've known were straight).

Though personally, I think dudes who insist they need nail polish (or any other beauty/skincare product) made just for men with manly color names and "hard core" packaging asserting how alpha they are doth protest a bit too much...
 
2012-11-18 06:12:48 PM  
No it's not
 
2012-11-18 06:13:41 PM  

Fista-Phobia: Rozinante: I spent a good chunk of the day working on the car, and yesterday on the tractor. My nails would be ruined if I used polish. What I'm saying is they need men's press on nails.

Or gloves.


Do you know how hard it is to accessorize shop clothes? I never know whether gloves should match your coveralls or your boots. And you just can't find them in New Holland blue.
 
2012-11-18 06:14:00 PM  

Bondith: It's bizarre. I'm 100% supportive of gay marriage, but straight men wearing a little big of pigment weirds me out. I'm too young to be a relic, dammit!


It's OK to admit that you have that reaction. Obviously you are introspective enough to engage in a little self-assessment.
 
2012-11-18 06:14:42 PM  
 
2012-11-18 06:14:56 PM  

encyclopediaplushuman: Wears Nail Polish
I'm A Guy

/currently glitter-blue
/no, i'm not gay



Yeahhhh, about that. 

www.deanmorriscards.co.uk
 
2012-11-18 06:15:33 PM  

LiberalEastCoastElitist: lordjupiter: Don't care about the gay/manly thing. If there's a market for it, fine, whatever. But it seems like someone's always trying to sell men on women's products by reframing it as masculine (body wash, body scrubs, nail polish, shampoo, creams, anal lube, etc)

I can see the powerpoint with the pie chart showing that heterosexual males are only 2% of the nail polish market and the marketing executives coming up with advertising campaigns to try to tap this untapped market.

/Do not approve


No, that's now how that marketing meeting went! It was more like "Half the population isn't wearing nail polish. So lets change the packaging, pay some bad-ass dudes with tattoos to endorse it, and slap babes in bikinis all over the website!"

When you tell me this is something I should buy, because I didn't know yet that I needed it? That's when I get all "not no way, not no how" about a product.
 
2012-11-18 06:16:59 PM  
$9.99 for black "mens" nail polish, or pay $4 for a bottle of Revlon.

Alpha Nail won't make you 100% heterosexual but will make you 100% stupid.
 
2012-11-18 06:17:13 PM  

Rozinante: Fista-Phobia: Rozinante: I spent a good chunk of the day working on the car, and yesterday on the tractor. My nails would be ruined if I used polish. What I'm saying is they need men's press on nails.

Or gloves.

Do you know how hard it is to accessorize shop clothes? I never know whether gloves should match your coveralls or your boots. And you just can't find them in New Holland blue.


Wait. Are you a mechanic or a member of a popin'-n-lockin' flash mob? Boing. Boom. Tschak. PING!
 
2012-11-18 06:18:34 PM  

jmr61: Yeahhhh, about that. 

[www.deanmorriscards.co.uk image 200x283]


That word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

/too lazy to post the image
 
2012-11-18 06:20:20 PM  
Ok, maybe 60% heterosexual.
 
2012-11-18 06:20:40 PM  
Look, the current National League Batting Champ and MVP wears nail polish to work every day. How much more manly can you be than batting champ and MVP? And have "Buster" as a first name?
 
2012-11-18 06:21:12 PM  

Fista-Phobia: 8/10


rappy:This is why you're single

Sorry, not a troll and been married for nearly nine years :)
 
2012-11-18 06:21:20 PM  

Sail The Wide Accountancy: Yeah. I wore nail polish in college during my, "I think I'm David Bowie" phase. I have NEVER done as well with the ladies as I did during that phase of my life. (Of course that's half to do with just being ON a stage and playing Any type of music than the nail polish.)


That's because college-aged men and woman are:

a) stupid
b) horny

I did great with the ladies in college, and I looked like something that fell out of the Sears catalog interspersed with a severely mistaken love of Miami Vice neon. It didn't matter.
 
2012-11-18 06:21:41 PM  

encyclopediaplushuman: Wears Nail Polish
I'm A Guy

/currently glitter-blue
/no, i'm not gay


Wasn't going to admit to this but now that you've posted, so do I.

It's only on my left pinky, though. I teach at an all girls school and years ago, a student asked if she could paint my left pinky nail, just for shiats and giggles. She did and I thought it was actually kind of cool.

Six years later, and I now own 25 bottles of OPI, and I change the shade every day to match my shirt or tie. The kids like it, and we talk nail polish quite a bit. Why, the other day for my birthday, a student gave me "Monsooner or Later" and "Pamplona Purple." It was thoughtful and much appreciated.

And I smirk at all of you who are about to besmirch my character. Smirk, I tell you!!1!

/straight
//I tell women I date about it
///they think it's weird but funny
 
2012-11-18 06:22:05 PM  
The device is actually a pretty clever way to deliver nail polish. Have normal nail polishes picked up on something like that?
 
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